Whenever there is something important, brave, new, or hard, there will always be anxiety. Think about the last thing you did that was hard, or new, or important to you. How did you feel before it? Nervous? Stressed? Terrified? Overwhelmed? All of these are different versions of anxiety – because whenever there is something brave, new, or hard we need to do, anxiety will be right behind it, coming in hot. It’s the anxiety that makes it brave. Courage is never about ‘no anxiety’. It’s about handling the discomfort of anxiety.

We’ll never ‘get rid’ of anxiety, and we don’t need to. Our job as their important adults isn’t to protect kids from the discomfort of anxiety. Our job is giving them the experiences, as gently as we can, to show them that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. What’s important is helping them feel as safe and as cared for as we can while they move through anxiety.

Anxiety is like a wave. It will come and then it will go. When our kids are on that wave it can be scary, but we don’t need to lift them off. In fact, if we lift them off the waves that come their way, they’ll never have the experience they need to be able to ride those waves themselves – and they will need to ride plenty. 

If we can ride the wave with them, with stillness and presence, rather than needing to change it, they will feel the safety of our calm, rather than our anxiety about their anxiety.

The problem with avoidance.

The temptation to lift our kiddos out of the way of anxiety can be spectacular. Here’s the rub though – avoidance has a powerful way of teaching them that the only way to feel safe is to avoid. This makes sense, but it can shrink their world.

We also don’t want to go the other way, and meet their anxiety by telling them there’s nothing to worry about. They won’t believe it anyway.

The option is to ride the wave with them. As long as they are safe, breathe, be still, and stay in the moment so they can find their way there too. This is hard – an anxious brain will haul them into the future and try to buddy them up with plenty of ‘what-ifs’ – the raging fuel for anxiety. Let them know you get it, that you see them, and that you know they can do this. They won’t buy it straight away, and that’s okay. The brain learns from experience, so the more they are brave, the more they are brave – and we know they are brave.

The wave won’t break them. When we believe it, they can start to believe it too.

3 ways to help them feel safer while they’re ‘riding the wave’

New, hard, important, brave things will always come with anxiety. It’s the anxiety that makes these things brave.

The only way for kids to never experience anxiety is for us to never put them in front of anything growthful, new, hard, brave. They’ll never feel the discomfort of anxiety, but they also won’t grow and strengthen against it.

We’ll never get rid of anxiety and we don’t need to. Our job as their important adults isn’t to lift them out of the way of the discomfort of anxiety. It’s to give them the experiences they need to show them that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. The key to strengthening young people against anxiety lies in helping them feel safer with it.

Here are 3 ways to do that. First though, and most importantly, establish that they are actually safe. Felt safety happens on two fronts – relational safety (feeling safe, seen, and cared for), and that they feel safe in their bodies (free from threat, hunger, pain, exhaustion, sensory overload or underload, feeling confined).

1. Take avoidance off the table.

Avoidance makes anxiety worse by teaching the brain that the only way to stay safe is to avoid. Little steps matter – any step, even the tiniest, is better than none.

If they aren’t able to make the first brave step, that’s okay. Stay with them on the edge of it – in that space that’s just beyond comfortable. This in itself is building their brave. Strengthening against anxiety is about handling the discomfort of anxiety. It doesn’t matter how much or for how long – any time they spend in the discomfort that comes with the handling of anxiety counts. It all matters.

What might this look like practically? If they are in the car and not able to get out, wait in that space with them. You don’t need to lift them out of it. This might sound like:

‘I can see it’s tricky for you to get out of the car. That’s okay. I’m going to wait here with you until you’re ready. Take your time. Your not in trouble. And we’re not going home.’

In this statement you’ve done a few things:

• You’ve held you’re boundary – ‘we’re not leaving’. A boundary is something we do to hold relational and physical safety, and to hold steady where we are. It’s about what we do, not about what we want them to do. With a boundary, we don’t really need them to do anything at all. We recognise that right now, they don’t have the resources to give us what we’re asking, so we wait, while we hold them in that brave space – the space where the building of brave happens.
• You’ve attended to the relationship – ‘I’m here with you. You’re not in trouble.’
• You’ve created the experience they need to show them they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. This is the work. This is the strengthening against anxiety. Next time it might be harder, and next time harder still. That’s how anxiety works. It tends to get worse before it gets better. But it will always get better.
  
  If you knew it would take 100 of these uncomfortable (sometimes truly awful – I hear you) times and then their world will open up, they’ll see how amazing they are, and they’ll be able to do this hard, new, important thing – wouldn’t you go through this for them, and with them? Wouldn’t you be the one to say, ‘Leave it to me. I can hold you in this space. I’m going to show you that you can do this, and that you have so much brave in you. You won’t believe me when I tell you, and that’s okay. Because I’m going to show you.’
  
  Trust that they’ll get there, because they will. And unless you trust they are capable, there’s no way they’ll believe it. It’s not enough to tell them we believe in them, we have to show them. By staying there with them, you’re showing them. What’s important is that they’re safe and they don’t feel alone and unseen in it. 

2. Show them you can handle their anxiety and the big feels that come with it.

This might sound like:

‘Of course you feel anxious. You’re doing something big. How can I help you feel brave?’

Or, ‘I know this feels big, and it feels like you can’t. I know you are safe and I know you can. You don’t need to believe it because I know it enough for both of us. I know you won’t believe it until you see it for yourself. That’s okay, that’s what I’m here for – to show you how amazing you are and that you can do hard things. I can take care of you through the ‘big’ of it all. What’s one little step you can take? Let’s take it together. And don’t say ‘no steps’ because that’s not an option.’

3. Help them understand why they feel the way they do when they are anxious.

The symptoms of anxiety will continue to drive anxiety until we make sense of them. Sick tummies, sore tummies, racy heart, clammy skin, big feelings – these are all a sign of anxiety. If we don’t explain this, it’s normal and understandable that these symptoms will be interpreted as a sign of deficiency or potential disaster. It isn’t. It’s a sign of a brain and body trying to protect them, at a time they don’t need protecting.

As long as they are safe, the need to avoid is often more about needing to avoid the thoughts, feelings, and physiology of anxiety, rather than avoiding the thing itself. This is why the physiology of anxiety will continue to drive anxiety until we make sense of it. (If you’re wanting a hand to help them understand their symptoms,  ‘Hey Warrior’ will help you do this.)