karenyoung_heysigmund
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.
Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.
If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.
In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.
Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.
They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.
If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.
It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.
But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
USD $11.62 +
USD $33.00 +
![We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.
Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder.
There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.
This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.
What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.
What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together.
Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.
First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.
Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:
‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.
You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️](https://www.heysigmund.com/wp-content/plugins/instagram-feed-pro/img/placeholder.png)
Krow F (verified owner) –
This is a fun, yet powerful book of magic that I bought for my grandchildren and another copy for a friend’s counselling office! The number of kids today suffering anxiety symptoms is beyond concerning. I will be ordering copies to donate to the school as well so that more kids can access the support it offers.
Crystal M (verified owner) –
My 9 year old daughter loved this book so much, she took it to school and asked her teacher if she could present it to her class because she thought it would help some of her classmates as well (her teacher was very sweet and supportive, and loved the book as well). It explains anxiety in a simple yet beautiful way for children (and adults too) and helped my daughter understand why she feels the way she does. She likes that she has a protector but she’s still in charge, which gave her back some power. The checklists at the end of the book were a big hit. We have tried a few different books to explain anxiety to kids and this is by far the best one we’ve found. Highly recommend if you have children struggling with anxiety.
Emily (verified owner) –
Such an excellent book for helping people understand and ease anxiety. I’ve used this book with my children, recommended it to friends, and colleagues. I work in a pediatric office and we love the book so much and regularly recommend to our patients.
Sharyn C (verified owner) –
Hey Warrior is a wonderful resource to share with children and families. It is written in such a child friendly way and is relevant for children of a wide age range.
Andrea W –
As a therapist working with traumatized children for the last 20 years, this is my all time favorite books. I recommend it over and over and read it to countless families and children. It is also my go to gift for the students that I supervise!!
L Brown (verified owner) –
Bought this book after hearing a recommendation. Grandmother here and my grandchildren are all almost too old for the book. Bought one, ordered 2 more within the next month. On top of a wonderful, easy to understand book the shipping – tracking was phenomenal.
Thank you
Courtney –
This is a fantastic description and breakdown for anxiety for kids. Very helpful to understand, even as an adult
K Smith (verified owner) –
I bought a hardback copy of this book for every teacher, admin, and student support staff in our school!! It is a big hit and it is changing everyone’s approach to our “anxiety” kids. Some adults have told me already that it is helping them and their families as well. Highly recommend!!
Tracey (verified owner) –
Beautifully written and beautifully illustrated! I will get so much use from this book, working with primary aged children!
Jessica (verified owner) –
Excellent book. I will use this book often, as a mental health therapist working with youth in Canada.
Shayna (verified owner) –
I absolutely love this book! My kids Elementary school in Canada is doing a unit on mental health and the principal read this book to every class. My 7 year old with anxiety came home talking about his warrior and how it sometimes makes him have anxiety. The conversation was so good that I had to get the book for myself. (and I bought a couple extra for gifts). I love the conversations we have every time we read this book together and what it has done for my son to help him understand his feelings. I also got the Hey Awesome and We’re not Lions books as well, I would recommend them to everyone!
MrsDavi (verified owner) –
Book and stuffy are very nice quality. Love how anxiety is presented in this book. My 8 & 6 yr old recognized which family members might be struggling with anxiety after reading this. So happy with this purchase!
Krista G –
As a school counselor, this is an AMAZING resource to explore anxiety and the somatization with young children.
Autumn A –
Great book!
Sue (verified owner) –
This book is awesome! I a counselor and I use it all the time with kids.
Jamie K –
This book is amazing! My 11 year old son has really struggled in the last year with fear and anxiety. This book made him feel like someone finally put his feelings into words!
Laura B (verified owner) –
Wonderful book for children and adults alike! I purchased this for my son who struggles with anxiety but it also helped me as well. The schools guidance counselor loved it so much she borrowed my copy until hers arrives so she could use it with the students this fall.
Tina S (verified owner) –
Love this treasureI Not just for kids! I use it with adults who I work with who struggle with anxiety. We all need a good dose of understanding why our body reacts the way it does when it does and that is what this book does. The images are comforting without being too childish.
Karen S (verified owner) –
Absolutely incredible. As a licensed therapist I am thrilled with this book. Parents love it and are interested in buying it as well! 10 stars!
Aleksandra S (verified owner) –
‘Hey Warrior’ is an amazing book to help anxious children. It is empowering, positive and provides kids with practical tools whilst helping parents put words on a complex topic. My 7 year old boy suffers from anxiety and it flared up after we moved interstate and he had to change school. Now he understands how his warrior works and what he can do to keep it in check. More importantly, he feels safe and more confident. I couldn’t recommend it enough!
Brad P –
After sitting in my car with my daughter for over an hour trying to help her overcome her anxiety about school, I realized this was very real and I knew I needed professional help. I searched the internet and found your website. Thank you for sharing your expertise and for giving some insight into anxiety. We read the content of your website together and several times my daughter would shake her head yes and say, “that’s it, I experience all of these symptoms”. We immediately purchased Hey Warrior. We love the book and now my daughter feels like she has coping mechanisms and does not feel alone in her anxiety. We love the book and I am so thankful that you gave us tools. Now my daughter can choose to be brave and overcome her anxiety. It not only helped my daughter; it helped mom & dad. We tried so many things but they did not work!!! Thank you!
Brad P –
After sitting in front of my daughters school for an hour because she was experiencing anxiety. I immediately searched online to find something to relate and give her comfort. I found your website. We read the content of your website together and immediately purchase Hey Warrior. She is 10 and repeatedly shook her head yes and told me “that’s it”. “That is how I feel”. We used a few of the suggestions on your website and we were able to walk her into her class. Thank you for sharing and for giving us some coping mechanisms to allow her to be “brave” and gave her anxiety. So thankful and we love the book.
Nicole F (verified owner) –
As a mother and a licensed counselor this book is one of the best I have read to my daughters. They love the graphics and answered the questions at the end which added insight! Highly recommend!