Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.
Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.
If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.
In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.
Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.
They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.
If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.
It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.
But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
JoAnn (verified owner) –
Absolutely wonderful I’m so many ways. From presentation to content to illustrations, I couldn’t be more pleased. I work with tweens and teens in my practice and was not sure off this would be geared for younger children, but I truly believe it’s a great resource to introduce anxiety to many ages. So pleased with this book!!!
Alison C (verified owner) –
This book was perfect for my 8 year old granddaughter is starting to struggle with Anxiety. It was written for all ages to understand. Absolutely Loved this book.
Michelle (verified owner) –
This book is awesome. A great resource for our Early Learning Clinic.
Betsy (verified owner) –
This book is perfectly written so that a child can understand what is happening in their body when anxiety hits! My 8 year old refers to it as a tool whenever he feels anxious!
Allison Hamff –
Truly one of the best books, if not the best, for helping children understand and learn to deal with anxiety effectively.
Sally (verified owner) –
Love this book! Ordered it, even though my kids are teens. They were reluctant at first, but stayed through the entire book and had a good discussion with me. Easy to understand language that helps take away the “feeling bad about yourself for reacting” when your Warrior is watching out for you.
Laura (verified owner) –
What a wonderful book. I think it’s an absolute masterpiece. I’ll be using this as a mother, an educator, and a human being forever! But I’ll start by using for myself first. Thank you!
Such a great way to explain anxiety to kids and making them feel brave and proud of themselves. It inspires them to continue showing their strength in ways that they can understand.
Katie Mc (verified owner) –
Got so much out of this book for my 11yr old daughter. It simplified what I used to try to explain to her and put it in a way easy for her to understand.
Jennifer (verified owner) –
Beautiful book that describes anxiety clearly and shines a positive light on it.
Kimi (verified owner) –
Love it! The book does a great job of presenting anxiety in a really positive way. A great book for kids AND their parents!
Abby (verified owner) –
I just love how the book describes the physical symptoms of anxiety as strengths. I’ve used it in therapy sessions numerous times and it’s gone over well. For younger kids I’ve skipped around, but my middle schoolers get really engaged for the entire thing.
Ashley S (verified owner) –
A beautifully illustrated and very well written book that explains how anxiety works in an age appropriate way. This book will always have a place in my counseling office. Thank you!
maggi (verified owner) –
Well worth the wait. It will be a great tool for our whole family to use. The break down of how anxiety so you can understand what is happening to your body and the illustrations a beautiful.
Martin T (verified owner) –
Great book, really well written and explains anxiety perfectly for kids that need it and for adults to learn from. Well done.
Naomi (verified owner) –
Beautifully done! My son really loves this book.
Helen (verified owner) –
I bought this when my 11 year old had her first experience of anxiety and stopped eating. She didn’t know what was happening to her. The book (along with the letting which she calls Ammy) has helped to explain what is happening in her brain, what it is doing to her body as a reaction and what she can do to take back control of Ammy. It’s really worth investing in! Also recommended it to the psychologist working with my daughter.
Lauren (verified owner) –
This book is amazing and has been super helpful with talking about anxiety with my 6 year old.
Kaari E (verified owner) –
With a little assistance, my three year old understands and loves this book! My child has been sleeping through the night and does not fight bedtime! It also is a great way to teach adults who are skeptical about mental health issues in children or themselves! I highly recommend for any school teacher, counselor, or interested parent!
Sarah L (verified owner) –
Beautiful well written book
Karen (verified owner) –
I am an elementary educator and a lover of beautiful picture books. This one has stunning, artful illustrations that capture the richness of emotions with exquisite detail.
The text is emotionally accessible for young children, and yet rich enough in content that my 12 year old enjoyed listening when I read it out loud.
We talk a lot about feelings in our house, but the whole family learned something new when reading this book. I’m so glad that I discovered it, and highly recommend to any grown up with children they love in their lives.
I will certainly be sharing this book with other parents and teachers in my life!
Joanne (verified owner) –
The book is sensitively written. I haven’t yet given it to my grandson, but I am sure he will like it and be able to connect with the story. Thanks to both the author and the illustrator for creating a beautiful and comforting book.
Amanda (verified owner) –
My 5 year old is an over thinker and worries about everything. We got the book. Beautifully presented and illustrated and read it that morning before school. She loved the character and I could see she was understanding the message. Went to a nurses appointment the day after and she was much calmer. She told her amygdala ( won’t call it another name -she’s so literal) that she got this and mommy got this so no need to be feeling anxious. Great result already!
Michelle Ruth A (verified owner) –
Beautifully written and illustrated. Excellent explanations and coping strategies.
Lynda (verified owner) –
Well written with beautiful illustrations.