Anger – How to Stop it Getting in Your Way

Anger is part of being human and it has a very good reason for being there. When it’s managed well, anger can work hard for you. Let it own you though, and there’ll often be bucketloads of trouble. Here’s what you need to know to make it work for you.

The Take-Aways

  • Anger is a really important emotion. It has a really good reason for being there, but it can make us do stupid things that land us in bucket loads of trouble or that break relationships.
  • We don’t want to get rid of anger, but to learn to manage it in ways that are really effective and more likely to get you what you need.
  • Anger has a few good reasons for being there.
  • The first is to let you now that there is something in the way of something really important to you.
  • The second is to energise us and activate us to get our needs met, or to get is in our way, out of our way.
  • The third reason anger shows up is to stop more difficult and more intense emotions from finding their way to the surface. Anger is the only emotion that doesn’t exist on its own. There’s always another feeling driving anger. It might be jealousy, disappointment, fear, disgust, anxiety, sadness – it could be anything. Often, anger is an easier one to feel, or an easier one to deal with than these other feelings.
  • It’s been suggested that when you’re angry, lose 30% of your intelligence. Anger is driven by the part of the brain that is responsible for instinctive, impulsive behaviour. During anger, the body is surged with a neurochenical fuel to get you energised and activated and able to physically respond to whatever is in your way. Here’s the problem. When those neurochemicals are surging through you, they it actually send the thinking part of your brain offline. This is an instinctive response designed to make sure we get ourselves safe before we think too hard and too long about how to respond to a situation. This is a fine piece of design if there’s actually a threat that we need to fight or flee, but often the reason we’re angry is because we’ve been let down, or because an important need has been thwarted.
  • During high emotion, especially anger, you need your smarts. Breathing is a powerful way to bring the thinking brain back online. Breathing neutralises the neurochemical surge that has sent the thinking part of your brain offline.
  • Breathe in for 3, hold for 1, out for three. Do this a few times. The sooner you can do this before you feel your anger rising, the more effective it will be in helping you feel calm again.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly feel better, and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel angry anymore. What it means is you’re going to be able to act in a way which is more considerate, more thoughtful, less likely to end in trouble.
  • The other thing to do when you’re feeling angry is to do something physical to burn off the angry energy created by the neurochemical surge to get you ready to deal with the threat. This might be going for a brisk walk, a run, kicking a ball – anything that helps to burn up that excess energy will help you to feel calmer.
  • Something else to try when you’re angry is to to sit with your anger for long enough to figure out what the feeling is behind it. This will help you to find more clarity around what you need. This might look like finding a quiet place to think, going for a walk, writing or journaling. When you’re clearer about what you need, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that is more effective in getting you what you need. 

 


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One of our rituals was in the week before Christmas, we’d go shopping and each kiddo would choose a keepsake decoration for the tree. This would forever be their decoration. To make sure we’d remember who owned what (a year is a long time!) I wrote their name and year on the box. The idea is that when they leave home, they’ll have a collection of special decorations for their own tree, plump with throwbacks (‘Oh I remember when we bought this!).

Then of course there was Christmas morning. Santa would leave a note on the table and bootprints on the front path, which smelled remarkably like talcum powder. So magical the way the snow was under the boot and never melted, even in an Australian summer! But that’s the magic of Christmas, right?!

We often put so much pressure on ourselves to make Christmas magical. Rituals can make this easier. They get the special memories, you get to make the ‘magic’ without having to come up with something new and different each year.

It’s very likely that there will already be Christmas rituals happening in your family, even if you don’t realise it. Ask them what they remember most, or what they loved most about last Christmas, aside from the presents.

They might surprise you with things you’d completely forgotten about, or which at the time didn’t seem to be a biggie. It can be the simplest things. Maybe they loved the way they were allowed to have ice-cream with pancakes at breakfast last Christmas. (Ice-cream at breakfast?! Told you Christmas was magical!!). 

If it’s what they remember, and if it lights them up, let it become a ‘thing’. Maybe they loved the magic ‘neverending carrot’ sprinkles you put on the scrawny carrot you found in the vege drawer (remembering reindeer groceries can be so hard sometimes!)

You’d be surprised what they find special. It doesn’t have to be big to feel magical.

What are your Christmas rituals? Let’s share ideas in the comments.♥️
We're having a sale! For a limited time, books and plushies are 25% off. 

Because sales are the best, and Christmas is the best, and helping kiddos find their brave is the very best of all! So, to celebrate the end of the year (because truly, it's been a year hasn't it), and to help you settle brave hearts for next year, or night times, or separations, or, you know, all the things, we're taking 25% off books and plushies in the Hey Sigmund shop.

There's no need to enter a code. The books and bundles are already marked with their special sale prices. You'll find them all there - plushies, books, bundles - doing shopping cartwheels, beside themselves excited about helping your young ones feel bigger than anxiety, and shimmy on to brave. 
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It can feel as though the only way to strengthen them against their anxiety is to make sure they have nothing to worry about, but when their worries are real this might not happen quickly. 

Instead, we need to focus on helping them know that even though those worries are there, they will be okay. ‘Not worrying’ isn’t the antidote to anxiety, trust is. This will start with trust in you and your belief that they will be okay, and trust in your reaction if things don’t go to plan. Eventually, as they grow this will expand into trust in themselves and their own capacity to find their way through challenges to a place of hope and strength. 
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Strong steady breathing will reverse the fight or flight physiology that causes nausea, butterflies, or sick or sore tummies during anxiety. BUT telling an anxious brain to take a strong steady breath will potentially make anxiety worse unless strong steady breathing feels familiar. Practising during calm times will make it familiar. 

During anxiety we’re dealing with their amygdala, and it wants short shallow breathing to conserve oxygen. It doesn’t want strong steady breathing and will work hard to resist this. 

An anxious brain is a busy brain and it will be less able to do anything unfamiliar. A few minutes of strong steady breathing each day will set up a strong neural pathway to make strong breathing more automatic and accessible during anxiety. 

In the meantime though, you can do it for them. This is the magic of co-regulation. When you do strong steady breathing during their anxiety, it will calm your nervous system which will eventually calm theirs. You will catch their anxiety, and this will feed into their anxiety. Your strong steady breathing is the circuit breaker. They will catch your anxiety, but they will also catch your calm. Don’t worry if this takes a few minutes (and maybe a few more after that). Anxious brains are strong, powerful, beautiful brains working hard to protect. Breathe and be with. This will open the way for that distressed young nervous system to find its way home. And you don’t need to do more than that.♥️
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Needs and behaviour can get tangled up and treated as one. When you can, separate the need from the behaviour. Give voice to the need - let it find a way to breathe - and redirect the behaviour. 

The need might always be clear, especially if it’s being smothered by angry shouting words. If we stifle the behaviour without acknowledging the need, the need stays hungry. Help usher it into the light by making it clear that you’re ready to receive it. Then wait. Wait for the big behaviour to ease, for bodies to calm, and angry voices to soften - but keep the way to you open. ‘You’re a great kid and I know you know that behaviour wasn’t okay. Talk to me about what’s happening for you.’

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