Anger – How to Stop it Getting in Your Way

Anger is part of being human and it has a very good reason for being there. When it’s managed well, anger can work hard for you. Let it own you though, and there’ll often be bucketloads of trouble. Here’s what you need to know to make it work for you.

The Take-Aways

  • Anger is a really important emotion. It has a really good reason for being there, but it can make us do stupid things that land us in bucket loads of trouble or that break relationships.
  • We don’t want to get rid of anger, but to learn to manage it in ways that are really effective and more likely to get you what you need.
  • Anger has a few good reasons for being there.
  • The first is to let you now that there is something in the way of something really important to you.
  • The second is to energise us and activate us to get our needs met, or to get is in our way, out of our way.
  • The third reason anger shows up is to stop more difficult and more intense emotions from finding their way to the surface. Anger is the only emotion that doesn’t exist on its own. There’s always another feeling driving anger. It might be jealousy, disappointment, fear, disgust, anxiety, sadness – it could be anything. Often, anger is an easier one to feel, or an easier one to deal with than these other feelings.
  • It’s been suggested that when you’re angry, lose 30% of your intelligence. Anger is driven by the part of the brain that is responsible for instinctive, impulsive behaviour. During anger, the body is surged with a neurochenical fuel to get you energised and activated and able to physically respond to whatever is in your way. Here’s the problem. When those neurochemicals are surging through you, they it actually send the thinking part of your brain offline. This is an instinctive response designed to make sure we get ourselves safe before we think too hard and too long about how to respond to a situation. This is a fine piece of design if there’s actually a threat that we need to fight or flee, but often the reason we’re angry is because we’ve been let down, or because an important need has been thwarted.
  • During high emotion, especially anger, you need your smarts. Breathing is a powerful way to bring the thinking brain back online. Breathing neutralises the neurochemical surge that has sent the thinking part of your brain offline.
  • Breathe in for 3, hold for 1, out for three. Do this a few times. The sooner you can do this before you feel your anger rising, the more effective it will be in helping you feel calm again.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly feel better, and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel angry anymore. What it means is you’re going to be able to act in a way which is more considerate, more thoughtful, less likely to end in trouble.
  • The other thing to do when you’re feeling angry is to do something physical to burn off the angry energy created by the neurochemical surge to get you ready to deal with the threat. This might be going for a brisk walk, a run, kicking a ball – anything that helps to burn up that excess energy will help you to feel calmer.
  • Something else to try when you’re angry is to to sit with your anger for long enough to figure out what the feeling is behind it. This will help you to find more clarity around what you need. This might look like finding a quiet place to think, going for a walk, writing or journaling. When you’re clearer about what you need, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that is more effective in getting you what you need. 

 


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For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.
When the world feel sunsettled, the ripple can reach the hearts, minds and spirits of kids and teens whether or not they are directly affected. As the important adult in the life of any child or teen, you have a profound capacity to give them what they need to steady their world again.

When their fears are really big, such as the death of a parent, being alone in the world, being separated from people they love, children might put this into something else. 

This can also happen because they can’t always articulate the fear. Emotional ‘experiences’ don’t lay in the brain as words, they lay down as images and sensory experiences. This is why smells and sounds can trigger anxiety, even if they aren’t connected to a scary experience. The ‘experiences’ also don’t need to be theirs. Hearing ‘about’ is enough.

The content of the fear might seem irrational but the feeling will be valid. Think of it as the feeling being the part that needs you. Their anxiety, sadness, anger (which happens to hold down other more vulnerable emotions) needs to be seen, held, contained and soothed, so they can feel safe again - and you have so much power to make that happen. 

‘I can see how worried you are. There are some big things happening in the world at the moment, but my darling, you are safe. I promise. You are so safe.’ 

If they have been through something big, the truth is that they have been through something frightening AND they are safe, ‘We’re going through some big things and it can be confusing and scary. We’ll get through this. It’s okay to feel scared or sad or angry. Whatever you feel is okay, and I’m here and I love you and we are safe. We can get through anything together.’

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