Anxiety in Children – 10 Practical Strategies to Help Kids Manage Perfectionism

Anxiety in Children - 10 Practical Strategies to Help Kids Manage Perfectionism

An anxious mind is also a beautifully creative, imaginative mind. This is a great thing, except for when that imagination and creativity is being used to imagine outcomes that feel unbearable, however unlikely they may be. These thoughts of what ‘could’ happen, drive self-talk, which in turn directs behaviour towards doing whatever is necessary to avoid a bad outcome. Hello perfectionism.

When perfectionism takes hold, it’s not so much with a gentle, ‘I’ll be over here in case you need me’, kind of way, but more in a, ‘oooohhh let me stay with you and protect you and never let you go’, kind of way. Perfectionism can be relentless, and although it can be helpful, it can also be suffocating – and so exhausting!

Just to be sure … What does perfectionism look like?

As with everything our children do, something is only a problem if it’s causing a problem. The behaviours that drive perfectionism might be different depending on the child, but here are some of the common ones;

  • Refusing to try anything new or unfamiliar (to avoid failing or making a mistake).
  • Difficulty completing work, or being slow to finish (because of constant checking or repeating to make sure there are no mistakes).
  • Procrastination – because it’s easier sometimes not to start than to face the possibility of failure.
  • More likely to ask for help rather than try it themselves first. Asking for help is a strength, and we don’t want to discourage that, but if the request for help is driven by a fear of getting it wrong, it can be stifling and get in the way of being brave and taking life-giving risks.
  • Giving up or becoming distressed, angry, irritable or upset if they make a mistake, or if they believe that whatever they are working on might be less than perfect.
  • Tendency to think in all or nothing terms – if it isn’t perfect, it’s bad/wrong/stupid.
  • Tendency to be self-critical.

There’s something about perfection that doesn’t feel that perfect. Actually, it can feel kind of … awful.

There will always be parts of us that shimmer and parts that feel creased and imperfect. We need all of them. Failing and falling are a part of being human so the avoidance of them is an impossible task. It’s also a potentially damaging one. The chase for perfection quite often comes with self-criticism, fear of negative evaluation, and a propensity to feel shame when things don’t work out as planned. In short, perfectionism tramples over whole-hearted living, it suffocates healthy risk-taking, it halts progress so wrinkles can be smoothed out (and out and out), it limits discovery and it stunts growth. 

Not only is the chase for perfection a hopeless, tiresome one, it’s also vastly unnecessary. If only our kids could know how beautifully ‘everything’ they are because of their imperfections, not despite them.

But everything has a flipside.

Perfectionism can hold children back, but beneath perfectionistic tendencies will be the makings of great grit, determination, and a fearless chase for the things that feel important. The key is to nurture these traits, while at the same time turning down the behaviours that stifle them. That’s where you come in.

  1. Let it be about being brave, rather than being right/ brilliant/ excellent (because brave is all of those things).

    Courage is a rich, luminescent quality that will help move our children through the tough stuff that comes their way. Failure or mistakes can steal any of us for a while, but it takes courage to dust off and try again, or to let go and move forward with grace and readiness for the next opportunity.

  2. Provide opportunities for failure.

    Hard things take time to learn and to master. Even when the lessons are learned and the skills are sorted, the polish can take even longer still. No wonder being a kid is so busy! Gentle comments about their effort and the difficulty of the task can help to strip any fear or shame that can come with failure or unexpected endings. Try something like, ‘Being a goalie can be tricky some days can’t it. I love how hard you worked to at it today.’ This will also strengthen their connection with you, which in turn will increase their feelings of warmth and safety and the likelihood of brave behaviour and healthy risks. Some children will feel that failure is unsafe regardless of how open and generous parents are in the face of failure. Whatever we can do to give our children the opportunity to learn that failure and mistakes are a part of growth, not the end of it, will make failure less likely to end in feelings of inadequacy. When failure or mistakes become a source of shame, their curiosity will be stifled, their emotional resources will be taxed, and they will be more likely to avoid challenge. Offering kids the opportunity to feel safe in the thick of failure will give them the precious opportunities they need to learn how to get back up again, stronger and braver than before. 

  3. Strip the power from their shame – and give it back to them.

    Perfection is driven by the need to avoid the shame that might come with missing a beat. Shame is a big beasty thing that can have the toughest of us scrambling for cover. The most powerful way to strip shame is to bring the story that fuels it into the open. Shame thrives on secrecy and on our stories staying hidden. When we talk, we get ‘proof’ that even when we fall, fail or stumble, we’re still doing okay – sometimes even better than okay. Encourage the conversation around imperfect moments, and hold back from judgement, criticism, or helping them to feel better. They’ll feel better when they see it’s no big deal, and that they’re still your heroes. Let them sit with how it feels to own their imperfections in a safe, secure, loving environment – without self-blame, without pity, and without being talked out of how they feel. This will help them learn that imperfections don’t change how great they are, how loved they are, and how capable they are.

  4. Let their imperfect moments connect with yours.

    If you can access your own feelings around your own imperfections, it will help you to connect into your child’s. Try something like, ‘That sounds disappointing for you. That’s happened to me and it’s upsetting for a while isn’t it.’ When the people we adore are struggling, it’s understandable that we would want to ‘fix’ their hurts and polish the sharp edges away, but we don’t need to. Sometimes the greatest thing we can do is keep our own discomfort in check for long enough so they can make the discoveries that will build them.

  5. Encourage self-compassion. It’s not the thought that does damage, it’s the way they respond to it.

    When children have rigid ideas of how things (or they) ‘should’ be, trouble can strut in like a rock star to a stage. The antidote to this is self-compassion. When children (or any of us) respond to setbacks with self-compassion, the way forward is easier. Self-compassion requires courage. It involves acknowledging the parts of ourselves and our story that feel difficult, and moving towards them with acceptance and an open heart. To exercise self-compassion, we first need to avoid the tendency which is wired deeply into many of us, to blame, avoid, and distract. These are completely understandable responses – it’s how we protect ourselves from the pain of disappointment, but they can keep us stuck. Research has found that self-compassion turns down the volume on perfectionism. Kristen Neff, a leader in self-compassion research has identified three parts to self-compassion

    •  self-kindness – as opposed to self-criticism. ‘I made a mistake. That’s okay. I’ll get it next time,’ or, ‘That didn’t turn out the way I thought. What can I learn from this?’;
    •  connection to our common humanity – seeing our experiences as part of being human, rather than a sign of our own deficits or failings. Nurture this by encouraging open, non-judgemental, compassionate conversation about mistakes and setbacks (yours and theirs);
    •  mindfulness – letting painful thoughts and emotions come and go, rather than attaching more meaning to the thought or feeling than it deserves. 

  6. Imperfection – it’s an unexpected buddy.

    Kids need to understand that life will be punctuated with delicious highs and miserable lows. As loving parents, there can be an enormous drive to protect our children from disappointment. Sometimes though, a healthy level of protection can nudge into the zone of ‘over-protecting’. We’re parents and we’re human – it’s going to happen. Healthy living involves being able to learn from the downs as much as celebrating the highs. Whenever you can, give them the space to feel their feelings, even the confusing ones. This might inflame your own anxiety – it’s always difficult seeing someone we love in distress – but if we can hold back from the push to rescue them (or ourselves), we can provide them with opportunities to learn that the uncomfortable feelings that come with failure aren’t always a reason to hold back from being brave. If we can leave the door ajar just a little for these feelings, it makes way for our children to learn that any bad feelings that come with imperfection will never last long. There is no need to ‘fix’ the feelings that are pushing against them. Instead, try a gentle acknowledgement and let time and their own emotional resilience do the rest. Try something like, ‘It sounds as though you’re disappointed. An ‘A’ meant a lot to you didn’t it. It feels pretty miserable when things don’t go to plan – I really get it’.

  7. Here’s how I see you. (And I love what I see.)

    Like the rest of us, kids can take their results as a reflection of themselves. Help that image to be a strong, nourishing one by helping them focus on the process rather than the outcome. ’I love how hard you worked on that. You had some great ideas for your assignment.’ Validate their point of view, ‘You want to do well in this don’t you’, and then offer another one, ‘I can see how hard you’re working.’ By doing this, they can discover that imperfection doesn’t change the good in them. They can make mistakes and be hardworking, determined, brave, and strong. Imperfection is something that happens at one point in time and it doesn’t cancel out how great they are.

  8. How would you treat a little version of you?

    There is a small child in all of us, even adults. It’s the playful, adventurous part – the seeker of love, security and a soft place to fall into when the world feels tough. Even though we might not be aware of this part of us, it’s there and it’s powerful. Our kids won’t always be able to get the compassion or tenderness they need from the world, but they can get it from themselves. This is a skill that will strengthen them from the inside out, and nurturing it will happen through conversation. First, shine a light on the things they say to themselves when they are feeling ‘not good enough’ or when they’re worried about being not good enough. ‘What goes through your mind when you think about not getting an ‘A’?’ These messages are powerful and they’re often automatic and out of our awareness. Bringing them out into the open is a powerful way to stop them being such a heavy influence on behaviour. When your child has a handle on those messages, ask them how they would feel if they saw someone saying that to a small child. How would the small child would feel? Would it make it easier for the little person to do his or her best or would it make it more difficult? What might be a better thing to say? What could you say to help that small child feel more confident, braver, and stronger? 

  9. Accountability for the consequences of perfection.

    Perfection has fallout – stress, snapping, withdrawal, tardiness. We only have so much to give, and when we are giving so much to one thing, other things will feel the strain of this – friendships, relationships in the family, the capacity for fun, discovery, healthy risk-taking, curiosity. Although perfection tends to come with the best intentions, it can also drive rigidity and inflexibility, and it can cause the wrong things to be given priority. 

  10. Remind them that they have the right to get it wrong as many times as it takes.

    They have the right to get it wrong, to discover the edges of what feels comfortable and explore beyond it. As parents, one of the greatest things we can do to help them move forward is to give them the space to own any mistakes they might make. When we criticise, judge, or tell them ‘I told you so’ (and how many times have I wanted to do that!) we make it more difficult for them to explore their mistakes as they will feel even more under pressure to defend them. Nobody wants to feel like an idiot. Not a three-year old, a ten-year old, a forty-year old or an eighty-year old. The less we can make them feel that way, the more likely it is that they will learn and find their way with strength through any mess that gets in their way.

And finally …

As parents, it’s important that we also keep our own tendencies towards perfection in check. Kids will always learn more of what we do than what we say. When we, as parents show our children that we lovingly accept the ebbs and flows that will come with their adventure through childhood, through adolescence and into adulthood, we give them the power to do the same. This freedom is life-giving, and will flourish their capacity to explore their place in the world, learn from their mistakes, and find what lights them up from the inside out.


A Book for Kids About Anxiety …

‘Hey Warrior’ is the book I’ve written for children to help them understand anxiety and to find their ‘brave’. It explains why anxiety feels the way it does, and it will teach them how they can ‘be the boss of their brains’ during anxiety, to feel calm. It’s not always enough to tell kids what to do – they need to understand why it works. Hey Warrior does this, giving explanations in a fun, simple, way that helps things make sense in a, ‘Oh so that’s how that works!’ kind of way, alongside gorgeous illustrations. (See here for the trailer.)

 

 


9 Comments

Michelle

It is humbling and beautiful to gain insight to myself while seeking help for my kids. No wonder they are who they are!
Thank you for writing this article.

Reply
Janice M

Wow! This is such a great article. Very often parents are driven by the need to teach perfection, which results in a child fear of sharing his/her struggles. Most importantly, it negatively impacts his/her assertive communication skills.

Reply
Adriane

thank you so much for writing this. My six year old has always been a perfectionist but Kindergarten has amplified it. He is so disappointed and upset of he misses just one question on a test or won’t build Legos other than exactly by the book. Coloring is even worse! Thank you so much for more insight into this subject.

Reply
Carolyn Stein

Over the years I’ve read so many books and articles about perfectionism, but nothing about how to live with it and support those around you, who are also struggling. Thank you so much for your practical and sensitive suggestions of things to say or do.

Reply
Claudia

Wow! So much insight into my own life as well as my children. Thank you! I’ll be rereading this many times, as I think through my past and present reactions, and move forward with ( hopefully) more grace and understanding.

Reply
Joanne

What a perfect time to read your article, I have a daughter whom is doing her Yr12 VCE at the moment whom is a perfectionist and her anxieties are rearing again. We are seeking professional help, however the system is very slow. At least my daughter recognisers her anxiety patterns and has asked for the support. I allow her to off load her many emotions and try not to always give her the answers. Most of the time she needs acknowledgement and a big momma hug and all is good once agin. What a journey we travel in our lives. Thank you for this I needed a little reminder regarding some good strategies to use.

Reply

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Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us? 

The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us.

We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about. 

We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?!

I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you. 

For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.
We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. 

There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. 

Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. 

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. 

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. 

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. 

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. 

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. 

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: 

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m  going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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