by Karen Young
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We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.
Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.
Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.
Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.
They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.
First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.
If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.
Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).
If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.
If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.
Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️
May 23
The @resilientkidsconference in Brisbane was a vibrant, energised, extraordinarily beautiful collection of 800 people, all coming together to be the best we can be for our young people.
I’ve been speaking to big audiences for years and this was one of the biggest. Was I anxious? Oh my gosh YES! More than you could imagine. Of course I was, because this mattered so much to me.
This audience was everything - engaged, curious, fabulous - and I wanted to be enough. You know who else wanted me to be enough? My anxiety. But you know what it wanted even more? Safety. So it swaggered in like a rock star, flagging all the things that could go wrong, and geez were there some things.
It pulled out stories of disaster: ‘What if you forget your words?’ ‘What if the power goes out and they make you dance on stage, ON YOUR OWN, in front of everyone to fill the gap? You’re not in your kitchen now. Lady.’ Thanks anxiety, I hadn’t thought of that one. (Like, honestly, I hadn’t thought of it.)
And stories of deficiency: ‘What if you aren’t good enough?’ ‘What if the things you say aren’t worth it?’ Ugh. I’ve heard it all before. (Except the dance one. I hadn’t heard that before.)
Think of anxiety like a fence. Sometimes this fence feels like a brick wall for sure, but whatever it is - a wall, a fence - it has a way through - a door, a gate.
Not all fences are there to keep us away. Some are there to let us know that something important is on the other side. This is why we have to ask, ‘Is this a time to be safe, or brave.’
I get more anxious than you could know, and I love this work more than you could know. I love when you come and tell me your stories. I love sharing mine with you.
Melbourne and Adelaide, you’re next and it’s going to be phenomenal. @michellemitchell.author, @maggiedentauthor, @drjustincoulson, and the whole incredible RKC team would love you to join us.
This conference is incredible. I don’t say this because I’m a part of it, but because the love and importance and effort that everyone involved puts into this makes it that way.♥️
Google ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ or see here for details https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.
May 21
Can’t wait to see you Brisbane! Saturday 20 May had bounded up to us with its arms open - and we’re so ready.
If you don’t have a ticket and would give your very last lamington for one, don’t worry - tickets are still available from ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ (on google). Here are the details:
Date and Time: Sat 20th May
Time: 9.30am – 3:00pm (Doors open at 9.00am for a 9.30am start)
Location: Main Auditorium, iSee Church, 8 Ellen Street, Carina Qld 4152
Parking: Free parking onsite
Cost: $85.00 AUD
We’d love you to join us.♥️
May 19
Our nervous systems are designed to receive their distress. Fight or flight in them raises fight or flight in us - to get our bodies ready to fight for them or flee with them.
When they’re in actual danger, it’s a brilliant response, but ‘danger’ is about what the brain perceives.
Big feelings and behaviour are a sign of a brain that has registered ‘threat’. A felt sense of relational threat and emotional threat all count as ‘threat’.
This can happen any time there is any chance at all of humiliation, judgement, missing out on something important, felt disconnection, not feeling seen, heard, validated, not having the resources for the immediate demands (stress).
Think of this in terms of interruption, transition times, sibling arguments, coming home after a big day at school.
When the threat isn’t a true physical danger, there is nothing to fight with or flee from (except maybe siblings and instructions).
This is when the fight or flight that’s been raised in us can move us to fight with them (we might get irritated, frustrated, angry, annoyed, raise our voices) or flee from them.
These are really valid feelings and signs of things working as they should, but it’s what we do in response that matters.
Think of it this way. Brains don’t care for the difference between actual danger and things that are safe, but annoying or upsetting. They all count as ‘danger’.
Pause for a moment, and see that this is a young person with a brain that doesn’t feel ‘safe’ right now. Whether it’s emotionally safe, relationally safe, physically safe - they all matter.
First, they need to be brought back to safety. We’ll do this most powerfully through relationship - co-regulation, validation, touch.
In practice this looks like breathe (to calm your nervous system so you can recalibrate theirs), be with (validate with or without words - let them feel you believing them and not needing anything from them in that moment), and wait.
If you need to hold a boundary, add that in (‘I won’t let you …’) but don’t take relationship away.
Then, when they are calm, have the chat - ‘What happened?’ ‘What can we do to put things right?’ ‘What might next time look like?’♥️
May 18
Brisbane - not long to go! We’d love you to join us at The Resilient Kids Conference. The feedback from Launceston has been incredible, and we can’t wait to do it again with you Brisbane.
All the details...
Date: Sat 20th May,
Time: 9.30am – 3:30pm
Doors open at 8.30am for a 9.30am start
Location: Main Auditorium, iSee Church, 8 Ellen Street, Carina Qld 4152
Parking: Free parking onsite
Cost: $85.00 AUD
👍 What to Bring: Print your e-ticket or show your ticket on your phone at the main entrance for easy scanning and entry.
👍 Resources: A big aim of RKC is to resource communities. For that reason, we offer a range of stalls filled with helpful resources, and of course the speakers books. Eftpos will be available on the day for all purchases.
👍 Food on the day: We strive to keep our ticket prices low, to make it possible for anyone to experience RKC. To help, the ticket price does not include food or drinks. While a cafe and other food options nearby will be available at each event, we hope this low-price gesture enables you to be with us!
Grab some friends and let`s make this a day to remember. It won`t be complete without you....🧡
May 11
Thanks for this, I will be sharing this with some kinder parents.