by Karen Young

1,092
VIEWS

Facebook Live (During Isolation) – Anxiety, Big Feelings, Tantrums, Sibling Fights … and more.

Facebook Live

We covered a lot of ground in our Facebook Live. Here is the link to the replay on Facebook in case you missed it, with time notes so you can skip to the bits you want.

     

    Just in case you want to skip a bit …

    01:10   The ‘fight’ part of anxiety – tantrums, aggression, big feelings – why it happens and what to do.

    04:20  Big feelings are a call for us to come closer (even when they don’t feel that way).

    06:00  Why ‘little’ things can tip them over the edge, and how to respond.

    09:25  When their anxiety triggers ours – when we fight with them instead of for them – why, and what to do.

    10:50  The good news about self-regulation.

    16:05  How to manage transitions.

    18:10  Squabbling with your teen? This might help.

    18:50  The opportunities that sit inside anxiety/anger/big feelings.

    20:04  Adolescents, big feelings, regulation – what they need from us.

    22:50  When big anxiety looks like big fight.

    24:54  How it helps to ‘meet the energy with similar energy, but not similar anger’.

    29:10  How mindfulness supports a long term strengthening of the brain against anxiety.

    32:00  Dealing with other stressors on top of social isolation.

    33:35  How to expand the capacity to cope with anxiety and stress.

    35:15  When kids won’t talk about it.

    35:25  Why some kids might be regressing at the moment (clinginess, asking for help when they haven’t needed it before).

    40:00  Routines – how they help (and it’s okay if some slip).

    42:17  Why does my teen hear me as ‘angry’ when I’m not?

    46:37  How do we role model strength and calm when we’re feeling anxious ourselves?

    49:50  Sleep – strategies to help with peaceful pillow time.

    1:03:02  ‘Only children’ in social isolation.

    1:05:31  Dealing with sibling squabbles

    1:08:28  Social media and screen time.

     

    6 Comments

    gosia

    Only today I have found this wonderful video! Thank you so very, very much! I have been following you for a few years now (newsletter) and I have to say, that you are really looking after me! Both my husband and daughter have anxiety (ADHD spectrum) and so often I am so tired of arguments, shouting, and fragile egos… However, reading your letters always brings me a perspective, explanation, and compassion. Thank you very much for doing that, for all your work and connection.

    Reply

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    Lead with warmth and confidence: ‘Yes I know this feels big, and yes I know you can handle it.’

    We’re not saying they’ll handle it well, and we’re not dismissing their anxiety. What we’re saying is ‘I know you can handle the discomfort of anxiety.’

    It’s not our job to relive this discomfort. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to. Our job is to give them the experiences they need (when it’s safe) to let them see that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety.

    This is important, because there will always be anxiety when they do something brave, new, important, growthful.

    They can feel anxious and do brave. Leading with warmth and confidence is about, ‘Yes, I believe you that this feels bad, and yes, I believe in you.’ When we believe in them, they will follow. So often though, it will start with us.♥️

    View

    Sep 11

    Open
    Lead with warmth and confidence: ‘Yes I know this feels big, and yes I know you can handle it.’ We’re not saying they’ll handle it well, and we’re not dismissing their anxiety. What we’re saying is ‘I know you can handle the discomfort of anxiety.’ It’s not our job to relive this discomfort. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to. Our job is to give them the experiences they need (when it’s safe) to let them see that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. This is important, because there will always be anxiety when they do something brave, new, important, growthful. They can feel anxious and do brave. Leading with warmth and confidence is about, ‘Yes, I believe you that this feels bad, and yes, I believe in you.’ When we believe in them, they will follow. So often though, it will start with us.♥️

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    There are things we do because we love them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel loved because of those things.

    Of course our kids know we love them, and we know they love us. But sometimes, they might feel disconnected from that feeling of being ‘loved by’. As parents, we might feel disconnected from the feeling of being ‘appreciated by’.

    It’s no coincidence that sometimes their need to feel loved, and our need to feel appreciated collide. This collision won’t sound like crashing metal or breaking concrete. It will sound like anger, frustration, demanding, nagging.

    It will feel like not mattering, resentment, disconnection. It can burst through us like meteors of anger, frustration, irritation, defiance. It can be this way for us and our young ones. (And our adult relationships too.)

    We humans have funny ways of saying, ‘I miss you.’

    Our ‘I miss you’ might sound like nagging, annoyance, anger. It might feel like resentment, rage, being taken for granted, sadness, loneliness. It might look like being less playful, less delighting in their presence.

    Their ‘I miss you’ might look like tantrums, aggression, tears, ignoring, defiant indifference, attention-seeking (attention-needing). It might sound like demands, anger, frustration.

    The point is, there are things we do because we love them - cleaning, the laundry, the groceries, cooking. And yes, we want them to be grateful, but feeling grateful and feeling loved are different things.

    Sometimes the things that make them feel loved are so surprising and simple and unexpected - seeking them out for play, micro-connections, the way you touch their hair at bedtime, the sound of your laugh at their jokes, when you delight in their presence (‘Gosh I’ve missed you today!’ Or, ‘I love being your mum so much. I love it better than everything. Even chips. If someone said you can be queen of the universe or Molly’s mum, I’d say ‘Pfft don’t annoy me with your offers of a crown. I’m Molly’s mum and I’ll never love being anything more.’’)

    So ask them, ‘What do I do that makes you feel loved?’ If they say ‘When you buy me Lego’, gently guide them away from bought things, and towards what you do for them or with them.♥️

    View

    Sep 4

    Open
    There are things we do because we love them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel loved because of those things. Of course our kids know we love them, and we know they love us. But sometimes, they might feel disconnected from that feeling of being ‘loved by’. As parents, we might feel disconnected from the feeling of being ‘appreciated by’. It’s no coincidence that sometimes their need to feel loved, and our need to feel appreciated collide. This collision won’t sound like crashing metal or breaking concrete. It will sound like anger, frustration, demanding, nagging. It will feel like not mattering, resentment, disconnection. It can burst through us like meteors of anger, frustration, irritation, defiance. It can be this way for us and our young ones. (And our adult relationships too.) We humans have funny ways of saying, ‘I miss you.’ Our ‘I miss you’ might sound like nagging, annoyance, anger. It might feel like resentment, rage, being taken for granted, sadness, loneliness. It might look like being less playful, less delighting in their presence. Their ‘I miss you’ might look like tantrums, aggression, tears, ignoring, defiant indifference, attention-seeking (attention-needing). It might sound like demands, anger, frustration. The point is, there are things we do because we love them - cleaning, the laundry, the groceries, cooking. And yes, we want them to be grateful, but feeling grateful and feeling loved are different things. Sometimes the things that make them feel loved are so surprising and simple and unexpected - seeking them out for play, micro-connections, the way you touch their hair at bedtime, the sound of your laugh at their jokes, when you delight in their presence (‘Gosh I’ve missed you today!’ Or, ‘I love being your mum so much. I love it better than everything. Even chips. If someone said you can be queen of the universe or Molly’s mum, I’d say ‘Pfft don’t annoy me with your offers of a crown. I’m Molly’s mum and I’ll never love being anything more.’’) So ask them, ‘What do I do that makes you feel loved?’ If they say ‘When you buy me Lego’, gently guide them away from bought things, and towards what you do for them or with them.♥️

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    We don’t have to protect them from the discomfort of anxiety. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to.

    OAnxiety often feels bigger than them, but it isn’t. This is a wisdom that only comes from experience. The more they sit with their anxiety, the more they will see that they can feel anxious and do brave anyway. Sometimes brave means moving forward. Sometimes it means standing still while the feeling washes away.

    It’s about sharing the space, not getting pushed out of it.

    Our job as their adults isn’t to fix the discomfort of anxiety, but to help them recognise that they can handle that discomfort - because it’s going to be there whenever they do something brave, hard , important. When we move them to avoid anxiety, we potentially, inadvertently, also move them to avoid brave, hard, growthful things.

    ‘Brave’ rarely feels brave. It will feel jagged and raw. Sometimes fragile and threadbare. Sometimes it will as though it’s breathing fire. But that’s how brave feels sometimes.

    The more they sit with the discomfort of anxiety, the more they will see that anxiety isn’t an enemy. They don’t have to be scared of it. It’s a faithful ally, a protector, and it’s telling them, ‘Brave lives here. Stay with me. Let me show you.’♥️
    .
    .
    #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinkids #teenanxiety

    View

    Aug 31

    Open
    We don’t have to protect them from the discomfort of anxiety. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to. OAnxiety often feels bigger than them, but it isn’t. This is a wisdom that only comes from experience. The more they sit with their anxiety, the more they will see that they can feel anxious and do brave anyway. Sometimes brave means moving forward. Sometimes it means standing still while the feeling washes away. It’s about sharing the space, not getting pushed out of it. Our job as their adults isn’t to fix the discomfort of anxiety, but to help them recognise that they can handle that discomfort - because it’s going to be there whenever they do something brave, hard , important. When we move them to avoid anxiety, we potentially, inadvertently, also move them to avoid brave, hard, growthful things. ‘Brave’ rarely feels brave. It will feel jagged and raw. Sometimes fragile and threadbare. Sometimes it will as though it’s breathing fire. But that’s how brave feels sometimes. The more they sit with the discomfort of anxiety, the more they will see that anxiety isn’t an enemy. They don’t have to be scared of it. It’s a faithful ally, a protector, and it’s telling them, ‘Brave lives here. Stay with me. Let me show you.’♥️ . . #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinkids #teenanxiety

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    We have to stop treating anxiety as a disorder. Even for kids who have seismic levels of anxiety, pathologising anxiety will not serve them at all. All it will do is add to their need to avoid the thing that’s driving anxiety, which will most often be something brave, hard, important. (Of course if they are in front of an actual danger, we help anxiety do its job and get them out of the way of that danger, but that’s not the anxiety we’re talking about here.)

    The key to anxiety isn’t in the ‘getting rid of’ anxiety, but in the ‘moving with’ anxiety.

    The story they (or we) put to their anxiety will determine their response. ‘You have anxiety. We need to fix it or avoid the thing that’s causing it,’ will drive a different response to, ‘Of course you have anxiety. You’re about to do something brave. What’s one little step you can take towards it?’

    This doesn’t mean they will be able to ‘move with’ their anxiety straight away. The point is, the way we talk to them about anxiety matters.

    We don’t want them to be scared of anxiety, because we don’t want them to be scared of the brave, important, new, hard things that drive anxiety. Instead, we want to validate and normalise their anxiety, and attach it to a story that opens the way for brave:

    ‘Yes you feel anxious - that’s because you’re about to do something brave. Sometimes it feels like it happens for no reason at all. That’s because we don’t always know what your brain is thinking. Maybe it’s thinking about doing something brave. Maybe it’s thinking about something that happened last week or last year. We don’t always know, and that’s okay. It can feel scary, and you’re safe. I would never let you do something unsafe, or something I didn’t think you could handle. Yes you feel anxious, and yes you can do this. You mightn’t feel brave, but you can do brave. What can I do to help you be brave right now?’♥️

    View

    Aug 17

    Open
    We have to stop treating anxiety as a disorder. Even for kids who have seismic levels of anxiety, pathologising anxiety will not serve them at all. All it will do is add to their need to avoid the thing that’s driving anxiety, which will most often be something brave, hard, important. (Of course if they are in front of an actual danger, we help anxiety do its job and get them out of the way of that danger, but that’s not the anxiety we’re talking about here.) The key to anxiety isn’t in the ‘getting rid of’ anxiety, but in the ‘moving with’ anxiety. The story they (or we) put to their anxiety will determine their response. ‘You have anxiety. We need to fix it or avoid the thing that’s causing it,’ will drive a different response to, ‘Of course you have anxiety. You’re about to do something brave. What’s one little step you can take towards it?’ This doesn’t mean they will be able to ‘move with’ their anxiety straight away. The point is, the way we talk to them about anxiety matters. We don’t want them to be scared of anxiety, because we don’t want them to be scared of the brave, important, new, hard things that drive anxiety. Instead, we want to validate and normalise their anxiety, and attach it to a story that opens the way for brave: ‘Yes you feel anxious - that’s because you’re about to do something brave. Sometimes it feels like it happens for no reason at all. That’s because we don’t always know what your brain is thinking. Maybe it’s thinking about doing something brave. Maybe it’s thinking about something that happened last week or last year. We don’t always know, and that’s okay. It can feel scary, and you’re safe. I would never let you do something unsafe, or something I didn’t think you could handle. Yes you feel anxious, and yes you can do this. You mightn’t feel brave, but you can do brave. What can I do to help you be brave right now?’♥️

    View Cart Checkout Continue Shopping

    Pin It on Pinterest

    Share This