How to Get What You Need From a Tough Conversation

Tough conversations can wear the strongest of warriors down – but they don’t have to. Here’s how to get want you want from a tough conversation, without damage or argument. (This skill is like a little bit of magic!)


The Take-Aways

  • In any relationship, there comes a point, probably many points, when you have to have tough conversations about something you need.
  • It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the only way to respond to this is in one of two ways – say nothing and keep going as though nothing has happened, or ask aggressively for what you need. The problem with keeping quiet is that  it might be looking after the other person, but it can be really unhealthy for you. It’s also likely to be unhealthy for the relationship because eventually, that need that you have will keep pushing for attention. That can end with an explosion, a huge argument, or someone just walking away from the relationship. The problem with being aggressive and screaming for what you need this is that it puts the other person into the position where they have to defend themselves or shut down to protect themselves. That makes it less likely you’ll be heard.
  • In any relationship, the more you push against someone, the more likely it is that they’ll push back. This is because we humans always need balance, to keep ourselves from toppling over in any relationship. 
  • A powerful way to maximise your chances of getting what you want is to yield a little. This doesn’t mean agreeing or giving in. It means is giving the other person a little bit of what they need, so they are more open to giving you what you need. It means acknowledging, validating and compromising, and letting the other person know that you want to find a resolution that will work for both of you.
  • This can be really difficult, especially if they’ve done something that’s upset you, but remember, this is about getting you what you need.
  • For example, if you’re wanting to talk to your parents about a party you’d like to go to, try to start the conversation by acknowledging what they might need. More than likely, with parents, whatever they do is done from love and the need to keep you safe. Start by acknowledging this with something like, “I get that you don’t want me to go to the party because you’re worried I won’t be safe, I really get that.” Then you come in with something to show you’re open to compromise, “What if I promised to be home by a certain time?”
  • This doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, but by yielding you’re more likely to get more of what you want more of the time. 
  • The more open you can be to the other person’s view, – and remember, that doesn’t mean agreeing with it, it means being open to it, listening to it, acknowledging it – the more likely it is that you will get more of what you want.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Join our newsletter

We would love you to follow us on Social Media to stay up to date with the latest Hey Sigmund news and upcoming events.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

The point of any ‘discipline’ is to teach, not to punish. (‘Disciple’ means student, follower, learner.)

Children don’t learn through punishment. They comply through punishment, but the mechanism is control and fear. 

The problem with this, is that the goal becomes avoiding us when things go wrong, rather than seeking us out. We can’t influence them if we’ve taught them to keep their messes hidden from us. 

We can’t guide our kiddos if they aren’t open to us, and they won’t be open to us if they are scared of what we will do. 

We all have an instinctive need to stay relationally safe. This means feeling free from rejection, shame, humiliation. The problem with traditional discipline is that it rejects and judges the child, rather than the behaviour. 

Hold them close, reject their behaviour. 

This makes it more likely that they will turn toward us instead of away from us. It opens the way for us to guide, lead, teach. It makes it safe for them to turn and face what’s happened so they can learn what they might do differently in the future.

Rather than, ‘How do I scare them out of bad behaviour?’ try, ‘How do I help them to do better next time?’ 

Is the way you respond to their messy decisions or behaviour more likely to drive them away from you in critical times or towards you? Let it be towards you.

This doesn’t mean giving a free pass on big behaviour. It means rather than leading through fear and shame, we lead through connection, conversation and education. 

The ‘consequence’ for big behaviour shouldn’t be punishment to make them feel bad, but the repairing of any damage so they can feel the good in who they are. It’s the conversation with you where they turn and face their behaviour. This will always be easier when they feel you loving them, and embracing who they are, even when you reject what they do.♥️
.
#parent #parents #mindfulparenting #gentleparenting
Kununurra I’m so excited to be with you tonight. I’ll be giving you super practical ways to strengthen your kiddos and teens against all sorts and all levels of anxiety - big anxiety, little anxiety, anxiety about school, separation, trying new things - all of it. You’ll walk away with things you can do tonight - and I can’t wait! Afterwards we’ll have time for a chat where we can dive into your questions (my favourite part). This is a free event organised by the Parenting Connection WA (I love this organisation so much!). The link for tickets is in my story♥️
Hello Broome! Can’t wait to see you tonight. Tickets still available. The link is in my story. 

Thank you Parenting Connection WA for bringing me here and for the incredible work you do to support and strengthen families.♥️
What a weekend! Thank you Sydney for your open hearts, minds and arms this weekend at @resilientkidsconference. Your energy and warmth were everything.♥️
I LOVE being able to work with early childhood centres and schools. The most meaningful, enduring moments of growth and healing happen on those everyday moments kids have with their everyday adults - parents, carers, teachers. It takes a village doesn’t it.♥️

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This