by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

950
VIEWS

How to Talk to People (and Shine) When Anxiety Gets in the Way

How to move through anxiety to make a stunning first impression, without changing who you are (because who you are is amazing).

Transcript:

Shyness or introversion come with so many strengths. They definitely aren’t things that need to be changed, but they can make talking to people difficult. Something that can make this easier is to let them do the taking. To do this, show interest, ask questions, follow your curiosity on similarities or differences. Interesting people aren’t necessarily the ones with lots of stories to tell, or the ones who appear to be the life of the party. They’re the people who will show interest in other people, and who will give them the space to talk about themselves or what’s important to them. Often, shy or introverted people are really great at doing that. People won’t always remember the things you say, but they will always remember how they felt around you. If you are someone who asks questions and follows your curiosity about people, you will be someone who is really interesting to spend time with. A lot of that is about exploring the differences between you and other people. There’s so much to learn from other people – even if it’s how not to be, or how not to do things. So, even if you are someone who is shy or even if you are a little bit anxious about talking to people, don’t ever think that you aren’t somebody who isn’t really fascinating and wonderful to be with. In fact, if you asked the people around you who you spend time with, they would probably say that you are one of the best people to be with because you are sensitive to things and you let people be who they are. So whenever you can, show curiosity in people and ask questions. Everything you discover becomes an important part of your wisdom that will really open up the world for you.

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karenyoung_heysigmund

Remember the power of ‘AND’.

As long as they are actually safe:

They can feel anxious AND do brave.

They can feel like they aren’t ready for brave, AND be ready brave.

They can wish to avoid AND they can stay (or not be taken home).

They can be angry, anxious, and push us away AND we can look after them through the feelings without avoiding the brave/ new, hard/ important.

We can wish for their anxiety, anger, sadness to be gone AND we can be with them without needing them to be different.

We can believe them (that they are anxious, scared, angry) AND believe in them (that they are capable).

When we hold their anxiety AND their capacity for brave, in equal measure and with compassion, we can show them that their anxiety doesn’t cancel their brave.♥️

Oct 7

Remember the power of ‘AND’.

As long as they are actually safe:

They can feel anxious AND do brave.

They can feel like they aren’t ready for brave, AND be ready brave.

They can wish to avoid AND they can stay (or not be taken home).

They can be angry, anxious, and push us away AND we can look after them through the feelings without avoiding the brave/ new, hard/ important.

We can wish for their anxiety, anger, sadness to be gone AND we can be with them without needing them to be different.

We can believe them (that they are anxious, scared, angry) AND believe in them (that they are capable).

When we hold their anxiety AND their capacity for brave, in equal measure and with compassion, we can show them that their anxiety doesn’t cancel their brave.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

These stickers or temporary tattoos are go anywhere cheerleaders for their brave - because being brave is hard sometimes! Available as packs of 12 individual tattoos or stickers.

Of course, tattoos and stickers are much handier if there is something special to hold them in. Oh, I hear you - and I’ve got you … enter the Hey Warrior tin to store them in (or treasure, or wishes, or snacks, or promises that they’ll clean their room - for especially big negotiations). Because truly - is there even such a thing as too much storage? No. Pffft. Of course not.

Now, of course, they’re all my favourites for equal amounts of time, but let me tell you about the hug tattoo and the hug sticker ...

These little stunners are for hugs on demand. If you’ve ever heard me speak about separation anxiety, you’ll know that one way we can ease it is to bring the idea of a child’s loved person closer. But how? Hug tattoos and hug stickers is how!

The idea is to load the hug tattoo or sticker with hugs - as many as they need to last all day, or lots of days, or until breakfast. Whenever they miss you, they can give their tattoo or sticker a squeeze and wrap themselves in one or forty of those hugs you’ve put in there.

They can also put their hugs in a tattoo or a sticker for you (or your phone, your water bottle - you get the idea). Remind them that whenever they think of you during the day, it’s because you’re using one of the hugs they’ve loaded up for you.

The hug tattoos and stickers have been tested and re-tested for ‘volume holdability’, and the conclusion, established through rigorous testing, (because non-rigorous testing would kind of make it a ‘guess’ which would be pointless), is that they can hold heaps of hugs, times a thousand, plus one - because when we’re talking about hugs there’s always room for one more, but I know you know that.

Available separately (12 pack of individual stickers; 12 pack of temporary tattoos; or the Hey Warrior tin) or save 20% with a bundle.♥️

Click on the link in the bio or here to buy or for more info https://www.heysigmund.com/shop/

Oct 7

These stickers or temporary tattoos are go anywhere cheerleaders for their brave - because being brave is hard sometimes! Available as packs of 12 individual tattoos or stickers.

Of course, tattoos and stickers are much handier if there is something special to hold them in. Oh, I hear you - and I’ve got you … enter the Hey Warrior tin to store them in (or treasure, or wishes, or snacks, or promises that they’ll clean their room - for especially big negotiations). Because truly - is there even such a thing as too much storage? No. Pffft. Of course not.

Now, of course, they’re all my favourites for equal amounts of time, but let me tell you about the hug tattoo and the hug sticker ...

These little stunners are for hugs on demand. If you’ve ever heard me speak about separation anxiety, you’ll know that one way we can ease it is to bring the idea of a child’s loved person closer. But how? Hug tattoos and hug stickers is how!

The idea is to load the hug tattoo or sticker with hugs - as many as they need to last all day, or lots of days, or until breakfast. Whenever they miss you, they can give their tattoo or sticker a squeeze and wrap themselves in one or forty of those hugs you’ve put in there.

They can also put their hugs in a tattoo or a sticker for you (or your phone, your water bottle - you get the idea). Remind them that whenever they think of you during the day, it’s because you’re using one of the hugs they’ve loaded up for you.

The hug tattoos and stickers have been tested and re-tested for ‘volume holdability’, and the conclusion, established through rigorous testing, (because non-rigorous testing would kind of make it a ‘guess’ which would be pointless), is that they can hold heaps of hugs, times a thousand, plus one - because when we’re talking about hugs there’s always room for one more, but I know you know that.

Available separately (12 pack of individual stickers; 12 pack of temporary tattoos; or the Hey Warrior tin) or save 20% with a bundle.♥️

Click on the link in the bio or here to buy or for more info https://www.heysigmund.com/shop/

karenyoung_heysigmund

Validation is a presence, not a speech.

It doesn’t mean you’re being permissive, or rewarding ‘bad’ behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’re saying the storm is okay. It’s a way of handling the storm and offering a safe passage through it, without judgement, shame, isolation.

Think about the times your big feels have taken over. Has it ever worked ever, in the history of forever, for someone to tell you to calm down, or shut you down, or manage you. Nope. Not for me either.

Because when we’re in big feels, we don’t need to be managed, we need to be seen. We don’t do or say the rubbish things we do because we don’t know the rules of social engagement, or because we haven’t had enough consequences, or because we think these things are okay. In fact, we’re not thinking at all. We do these things because in that moment, we don’t have the resources to do differently.

Validation is a way of adding resources, through relationship. It’s a strong, loving presence that sends the message, ‘Bring your feelings to me. I can take care of you through this. And I can keep you and everyone including you safe along the way.’

Of course even during a storm we need to hold boundaries to keep everyone safe (them, you, others), but let these be loving - hold the boundary, add warmth. ‘Yes, this is big. I want to hear you. (Relationship) No I won’t listen when you speak like that. When you can speak in a way I can hear, then we can talk (boundary). You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship)

The might be a need for repair, learning, or talking about what’s happened, but during the storm isn’t that time.

We can’t reason with someone in big feels because the thinking brain, the part than can think rationally, logically, plan, think through consequences, make deliberate decisions, is locked out for a bit. This happens to all of us. It’s why we all do or say things that aren’t great when we’re in big feelings.

We can’t stop a storm once it’s storming, but we can offer a safe passage through it. This is what validation does. It a safe passage to a place of calm and connection, where you can have the influence and the conversations that will be growthful.♥️

Sep 26

Validation is a presence, not a speech.

It doesn’t mean you’re being permissive, or rewarding ‘bad’ behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’re saying the storm is okay. It’s a way of handling the storm and offering a safe passage through it, without judgement, shame, isolation.

Think about the times your big feels have taken over. Has it ever worked ever, in the history of forever, for someone to tell you to calm down, or shut you down, or manage you. Nope. Not for me either.

Because when we’re in big feels, we don’t need to be managed, we need to be seen. We don’t do or say the rubbish things we do because we don’t know the rules of social engagement, or because we haven’t had enough consequences, or because we think these things are okay. In fact, we’re not thinking at all. We do these things because in that moment, we don’t have the resources to do differently.

Validation is a way of adding resources, through relationship. It’s a strong, loving presence that sends the message, ‘Bring your feelings to me. I can take care of you through this. And I can keep you and everyone including you safe along the way.’

Of course even during a storm we need to hold boundaries to keep everyone safe (them, you, others), but let these be loving - hold the boundary, add warmth. ‘Yes, this is big. I want to hear you. (Relationship) No I won’t listen when you speak like that. When you can speak in a way I can hear, then we can talk (boundary). You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship)

The might be a need for repair, learning, or talking about what’s happened, but during the storm isn’t that time.

We can’t reason with someone in big feels because the thinking brain, the part than can think rationally, logically, plan, think through consequences, make deliberate decisions, is locked out for a bit. This happens to all of us. It’s why we all do or say things that aren’t great when we’re in big feelings.

We can’t stop a storm once it’s storming, but we can offer a safe passage through it. This is what validation does. It a safe passage to a place of calm and connection, where you can have the influence and the conversations that will be growthful.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

The need for attention is instinctive.

We all need to be seen because that is how we stay safe. Attention is a need - a physiological, relational, instinctive need.

If attention is something we have to work for, or if it only happens when we’re ‘noticeable’ (as in demanding it, yelling for it, disappearing ourselves) our nervous systems will try to find a way back to safety by making ourselves visible. Brains would always rather be seen in a bad way, than not be seen at all - because being unseen is unsafe.

This isn’t a ‘kid’ thing. It’s a ‘human’ thing. Attention needing behaviour happens in our adult relationships too. If there isn’t enough play, joy, affection, we start to make ourselves noticeable. This might look like little verbal ‘swipes’, criticism, arguments, snaps. Ugh. We’ve all been there.

The mistake we’ve been making is tangling the need for attention with the need to be the centre of attention.

If a child’s behaviour is inviting (demanding?) attention, it’s because they are needing attention. The need is valid, even if the behaviour is a little (a lot?!) messy. All of us can struggle with niceties when our needs are screaming at us from the inside of us.

Of course you see them, love them, and would do anything for them. This isn’t about that - it’s about them feeling you enjoying them, seeking them out. It’s about them feeling the abundance of you - so much caring there are leftovers that they can tuck away for rainy days.

Sometimes of course there are just too many rainy days. Even as the most loving, attentive, devoted parents though, we get busy, distracted, stressed. That’s so okay and so normal! But it might mean our kiddos feel start to feel the absence of us a teeny bit. They won’t tell us they miss us. They’ll show us.

Of course we need to hold strong loving boundaries, but what can you add in to let them see that you enjoy them, miss them, like them.

Microconnections matter. Think of the difference it makes to you when someone shows you in teeny ways - a comment, a noticing, a seeking out of you - that they see you, even when they don’t have to. It’s oxygen.♥️

Sep 25

The need for attention is instinctive.

We all need to be seen because that is how we stay safe. Attention is a need - a physiological, relational, instinctive need.

If attention is something we have to work for, or if it only happens when we’re ‘noticeable’ (as in demanding it, yelling for it, disappearing ourselves) our nervous systems will try to find a way back to safety by making ourselves visible. Brains would always rather be seen in a bad way, than not be seen at all - because being unseen is unsafe.

This isn’t a ‘kid’ thing. It’s a ‘human’ thing. Attention needing behaviour happens in our adult relationships too. If there isn’t enough play, joy, affection, we start to make ourselves noticeable. This might look like little verbal ‘swipes’, criticism, arguments, snaps. Ugh. We’ve all been there.

The mistake we’ve been making is tangling the need for attention with the need to be the centre of attention.

If a child’s behaviour is inviting (demanding?) attention, it’s because they are needing attention. The need is valid, even if the behaviour is a little (a lot?!) messy. All of us can struggle with niceties when our needs are screaming at us from the inside of us.

Of course you see them, love them, and would do anything for them. This isn’t about that - it’s about them feeling you enjoying them, seeking them out. It’s about them feeling the abundance of you - so much caring there are leftovers that they can tuck away for rainy days.

Sometimes of course there are just too many rainy days. Even as the most loving, attentive, devoted parents though, we get busy, distracted, stressed. That’s so okay and so normal! But it might mean our kiddos feel start to feel the absence of us a teeny bit. They won’t tell us they miss us. They’ll show us.

Of course we need to hold strong loving boundaries, but what can you add in to let them see that you enjoy them, miss them, like them.

Microconnections matter. Think of the difference it makes to you when someone shows you in teeny ways - a comment, a noticing, a seeking out of you - that they see you, even when they don’t have to. It’s oxygen.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal.

However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way.

Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won’t do this perfectly, because we can’t always know what mountains they’ll need to climb, or what dragons they’ll need to slay. We won’t always know what they’ll need, and we won’t always be able to give it. We don’t need to. But we’ll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won’t. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting.

We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It’s worth every second - every second - but it’s tough.

Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it.

Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don’t need to be perfect, and wont need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us.

Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let’s not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️

Sep 2

I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal.

However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way.

Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won’t do this perfectly, because we can’t always know what mountains they’ll need to climb, or what dragons they’ll need to slay. We won’t always know what they’ll need, and we won’t always be able to give it. We don’t need to. But we’ll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won’t. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting.

We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It’s worth every second - every second - but it’s tough.

Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it.

Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don’t need to be perfect, and wont need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us.

Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let’s not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️

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