When Positive Parenting Becomes Desperate Doctoring

When Positive Parenting Becomes Desperate Doctoring

As I sat in the pediatrician’s office, teary-eyed and defeated, I thought back to the first day I brought my son here.  He was such a happy baby and I was in love with him.  Regardless of his restless energy and frequent squirming, I knew he was going to surpass all fears I had of being a mother.  Fast forward eight years, and we were back to discuss yet another medication for his ADHD.  There was no chocolate, drink, drug or amount of sleep that could relieve this weight on my shoulders. 

In the beginning, I had seen myself as a positive and educated woman.  However, at some point within this journey, I found myself without answers, feeling helpless and frightened.  My “Mom of the Year” award had officially been revoked.

Through my studies of psychology, I began understanding the neurological development processes that do make sense — and have nothing to do with my parenting abilities.  What a relief!  That said, I also found several opportunities I had missed that would have helped my child’s confidence and self-acceptance.  Ironically, it was him who pointed that out, and not in a way I expected.

During childcare and his early years in elementary school, the teachers provided consistent feedback on my son’s behavior – too busy, won’t sit still, social butterfly, blurts out, can’t control himself, and so on.  At the time, I became consumed in my mission to “get him fixed”.  This became the reason for one of many opportunities I missed as a new parent. 

Love your children for who they are.  

At the time, it seemed I was being the best parent by finding the right person to help him.  As a result, my son tried one thing after another and nothing fit.  He was taken to the pediatrician, the psychologist, a few counselors, several kinds of therapy groups, and back full circle, while also being fed 13 various medications that would magically help him focus and stop talking too much.

I became so focused on finding a way to change this negative feedback about my son that I forgot to let him know I loved him for all of those energetic, happy and spontaneous behaviors that made him unique and lovable.  How did I miss that?  Think of a shopping day when you tried on one pair of pants after another, finally resigning yourself to the fact that something was just wrong with how you were made.  After repeated failures, human beings become what they know to be real, and begin fulfilling their new role of existing as The Issue or The Failure.

On that particular day, as we left the pediatrician’s office and got back into the car, I got in the driver’s seat and did not move. After all of the effort his father and I were putting forth, and all of the discipline changes we had tried, nothing had worked.  As I leaned forward to put the key in the ignition, I heard a small voice from the back seat calmly ask, “Mommy, do they know what’s wrong with me yet?”, and I turned to see big blue eyes looking hopefully at me.  I am not sure how, but I somehow managed to climb into the backseat and hold my baby boy close.  My sunshine.  My life.  My heartbeat.

Sometimes, and even with the best intentions, we forget to enjoy our children because we are so busy responding to the problems we have been focused on.  In her research, Dr. Gwen Dewar explained that parental stress is natural because of our cognitive reflex to search for patterns that could be threatening to or for our children.  As we see or hear something negative, we automatically begin looking for it to happen again and our role shifts from nurturer to fixer.

My grandmother, who, by all accounts, was the inspiration that molded me into the woman I am, never seemed frustrated or intolerant of my brother and I.  I believed I would maintain the same temperament as a mother one day, yet found that it was much harder than I had realized.  I have since learned that positive parenting is not about faking a smile all the time or gritting your teeth to avoid slamming your fist on the table or yelling.  No, no, no!  It’s about looking at the little person you have before you, knowing he or she is adapting to this big world and needing your help to navigate through it.  When people tell you that opportunities only come once, they aren’t joking.

The three things that help me most are also the things that have improved my relationships with others who are important to me.

Listen. 

No, really.  Stop talking!  And stop thinking of that one thing you have to say in order to make your point in the conversation.  Children are not born to know and understand their feelings.  Let them voice what is important in their little minds and hearts.  They need to learn how to express themselves, and see the importance of listening to the thoughts of others.  Do you really want to teach them to be the loudest or get the last word in a discussion?  If so, don’t be upset with them when they begin showing disrespect and become argumentative.

Smile. 

In the brain’s process of storing memories, remember the right things your children do, too.  The science proves we are apt to hold on to the negative far more tightly than the positive, so take the time to focus on the good.  Make a list of what he or she does that meets your expectations each day.  Celebrate the number of times the toilet seat is put down or the toys end up in the right bin.  Don’t fake it, shake it.  Lose those bad vibes, or you will find yourself being down and irritated. 

Touch.  

Be affectionate.  And no, that does not always mean physical interaction.  If your child’s diagnosis makes physical touch difficult, find another way!  Make a box and draw a heart to put in your child’s box each day.  When it’s a down day, open it and remind this special little one of all the ways he or she is so lovable.  Give a fist bump or slap flip-flops to give them a tangible confirmation of how much they are appreciated.  Put your pride aside, this is a life-changer!


In all of the overwhelming moments, keep this in mind.  Your child is yours.  He or she is looking to you for directions on how to navigate these curious waters.  Opportunities should be seized to teach them how to view situations and respond to life’s many changes.  Instead of searching for the next dreadful day of uncontrollable actions, show them the actions you expect to see. 


About the Author: Shannon Jones

Shannon writes to encourage others through the journeys of parenthood, marriage, and other life stages, while offering insight into the sources of behavioral and communicative issues. She and her husband are founders of The GRACE Project, a non-profit organization that focuses on awareness and prevention of human trafficking, which provides free services to victims of abuse and single mothers.  Grounded in her faith, Shannon sings and reads, smiling through life’s lessons and embracing each day with enthusiasm.

In her goal to educate others, she studies published journals and medical reviews that offer evidence-based solutions through experimental research and case studies. Shannon is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in the field of psychology, with specializations in behavior and neuroscience.

3 Comments

SL

Thanks for the article.

I do not know where to start. This is going to be a long one as I am really at my wit’s end with my toddler and things are so bad that I have started anxiety medications because of her behaviour.

I am a mother to a super strong-willed, not-at-all-easy toddler- she is 2.5 years old. From the age of 15 months to around 2 years, she was extremely clingy to me, did not play on her own at all and was overall not well adjusted in social gatherings such as a wedding ceremony where she made me cry with her clingy and stubborn behaviour. But by the time her second birthday came, she showed remarkable change, her clinginess subsided and she started playing on her own. Also she became easy to handle as she would listen to us, cooperate and was becoming a thriving kid.

Since last one month she has gone back to square one. I first took it as just a phase but now its driving me crazy. Its like I am going through the same torturous experience once again and for what! Her day starts with whining. It takes all of my patience to get her out of bed. Then breakfast has become a joke as she throws her food, cries, demands for things she cannot have like icecreams and cookies and cries some more. She was doing okay at school but after a 15 day vacation, she is resisting like anything and cries that she doesnt want to go to school at all. My major concern is that she has COMPLETELY LOST her ability to play alone. She keeps on saying I cannot do this, I cannot do that, mummaaaaa my toys fell, mammmma my balloon is not going high up enough! Trust me I am not exaggerating when I say that she cries every 5 minutes for something or the other. NOTHING pleases her. Also, lately she has started asking for things she cannot have- ice cubes to play with, real food to cook, tea to drink (which she knows is not allowed), bucket full of water with soap and all that hoopla for her dolls to take bath, real knives to cut food, real burning candles to that she can pretend to pray. Basically she does not want to do pretend play at all. And whatever toy she plays with, she will find a way to get frustrated with it in mere 5 minutes (or less). Also she has become super clingy just like her earlier self. No matter how calmly and firmly I tell her that I need to do xyz (go to washroom, cook dinner, chat with friend on phone), she howls and follows me. If I am out of her sight even for 2 seconds, she screams for me.

She has also started opposing me and her dad for almost everything- we say get dressed, she says no. We say wear pink, she says she wants yellow. We give her two options, she goes for the third one. We ask her to eat, she spits her food. We tell her its bedtime, she goes crying on floor hitting her head. We tell her pick her toys, she throws them even further, then spits on them and laughs. Her public tantrums have become epic. Almost every time there is a guest at home (and we have lots), she creates a scene by yanking their stuff, asking them for sweets, crying on the floor for no reason, biting us in front of them!
I am not able to identify with this girl!

I am trying to be really patient, firmly setting boundaries. Trust me I really am! But when it happens every second of every day, it becomes impossible to deal with her. My blood pressure shoots up by the end of the day and as I said, I have started taking anxiety meds. NONE of the practiced calm techniques are helping. We set boundaries, sometime it works but most of the time it doesnt! WHAT DO I DO?! I feel like a big failure. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reply. PLEASE. I am very desperate.

P.S. I work fulltime and she goes to school at 12 pm to 6 pm (including daycare). Recently for her vacation, she was at her granparent’s fro 15 days (she has been staying with them in the past for a week or so and it helped her be more independent from me). But this time it has seems to have backfired. She showed signs of regression before her vacation and now after coming back, it has grown into full-fledged clinginess and other problems I discussed earlier. I know my self-dependent, thriving girl is down there somewhere, but I am uanble to get her back. Need help.

Reply
Karen Young

Nothing you are describing about your daughter sounds out of the ordinary. Tantrums are very normal at this age as she is struggling with wanting to feel independent, but not feeling ready. She is experimenting with where the line is, and although that can be difficult to deal with, it’s a normal, healthy part of her discovering who she is in the world when she is not attached to you. As to the other behaviour you describe, if she is wanting to do everything with you, it’s because she wants to feel connected to you. Independence and resilience NEED relationship. As parents we need to support their reach into the world, and encourage brave behaviour, but at 2.5, she is still getting used to how the world works and who she is when she isn’t with you. It’s confusing time – she will oppose you because she is experimenting with her independence, but she is still looking for the security and safety of being close and connected to you. It’s a balancing act and it isn’t easy. She is young and still learning how to use her words to effectively get her needs met. Be patient – learning how to navigate the world takes time. Here are some articles that might help:
https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-build-influence-with-kids-and-teens/; and
https://www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/

Reply
Ann

Amazing article! All parents should be made to read this!!
Love what you are doing for others Shannon.

Reply

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Lead with warmth and confidence: ‘Yes I know this feels big, and yes I know you can handle it.’ 

We’re not saying they’ll handle it well, and we’re not dismissing their anxiety. What we’re saying is ‘I know you can handle the discomfort of anxiety.’ 

It’s not our job to relive this discomfort. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to. Our job is to give them the experiences they need (when it’s safe) to let them see that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. 

This is important, because there will  always be anxiety when they do something brave, new, important, growthful. 

They can feel anxious and do brave. Leading with warmth and confidence is about, ‘Yes, I believe you that this feels bad, and yes, I believe in you.’ When we believe in them, they will follow. So often though, it will start with us.♥️
There are things we do because we love them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel loved because of those things.

Of course our kids know we love them, and we know they love us. But sometimes, they might feel disconnected from that feeling of being ‘loved by’. As parents, we might feel disconnected from the feeling of being ‘appreciated by’.

It’s no coincidence that sometimes their need to feel loved, and our need to feel appreciated collide. This collision won’t sound like crashing metal or breaking concrete. It will sound like anger, frustration, demanding, nagging. 

It will feel like not mattering, resentment, disconnection. It can burst through us like meteors of anger, frustration, irritation, defiance. It can be this way for us and our young ones. (And our adult relationships too.)

We humans have funny ways of saying, ‘I miss you.’

Our ‘I miss you’ might sound like nagging, annoyance, anger. It might feel like resentment, rage, being taken for granted, sadness, loneliness. It might look like being less playful, less delighting in their presence.

Their ‘I miss you’ might look like tantrums, aggression, tears, ignoring, defiant indifference, attention-seeking (attention-needing). It might sound like demands, anger, frustration.

The point is, there are things we do because we love them - cleaning, the laundry, the groceries, cooking. And yes, we want them to be grateful, but feeling grateful and feeling loved are different things. 

Sometimes the things that make them feel loved are so surprising and simple and unexpected - seeking them out for play, micro-connections, the way you touch their hair at bedtime, the sound of your laugh at their jokes, when you delight in their presence (‘Gosh I’ve missed you today!’ Or, ‘I love being your mum so much. I love it better than everything. Even chips. If someone said you can be queen of the universe or Molly’s mum, I’d say ‘Pfft don’t annoy me with your offers of a crown. I’m Molly’s mum and I’ll never love being anything more.’’)

So ask them, ‘What do I do that makes you feel loved?’ If they say ‘When you buy me Lego’, gently guide them away from bought things, and towards what you do for them or with them.♥️
We don’t have to protect them from the discomfort of anxiety. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to.

OAnxiety often feels bigger than them, but it isn’t. This is a wisdom that only comes from experience. The more they sit with their anxiety, the more they will see that they can feel anxious and do brave anyway. Sometimes brave means moving forward. Sometimes it means standing still while the feeling washes away. 

It’s about sharing the space, not getting pushed out of it.

Our job as their adults isn’t to fix the discomfort of anxiety, but to help them recognise that they can handle that discomfort - because it’s going to be there whenever they do something brave, hard , important. When we move them to avoid anxiety, we potentially, inadvertently, also move them to avoid brave, hard, growthful things. 

‘Brave’ rarely feels brave. It will feel jagged and raw. Sometimes fragile and threadbare. Sometimes it will as though it’s breathing fire. But that’s how brave feels sometimes. 

The more they sit with the discomfort of anxiety, the more they will see that anxiety isn’t an enemy. They don’t have to be scared of it. It’s a faithful ally, a protector, and it’s telling them, ‘Brave lives here. Stay with me. Let me show you.’♥️
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#parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinkids #teenanxiety
We have to stop treating anxiety as a disorder. Even for kids who have seismic levels of anxiety, pathologising anxiety will not serve them at all. All it will do is add to their need to avoid the thing that’s driving anxiety, which will most often be something brave, hard, important. (Of course if they are in front of an actual danger, we help anxiety do its job and get them out of the way of that danger, but that’s not the anxiety we’re talking about here.)

The key to anxiety isn’t in the ‘getting rid of’ anxiety, but in the ‘moving with’ anxiety. 

The story they (or we) put to their anxiety will determine their response. ‘You have anxiety. We need to fix it or avoid the thing that’s causing it,’ will drive a different response to, ‘Of course you have anxiety. You’re about to do something brave. What’s one little step you can take towards it?’

This doesn’t mean they will be able to ‘move with’ their anxiety straight away. The point is, the way we talk to them about anxiety matters. 

We don’t want them to be scared of anxiety, because we don’t want them to be scared of the brave, important, new, hard things that drive anxiety. Instead, we want to validate and normalise their anxiety, and attach it to a story that opens the way for brave: 

‘Yes you feel anxious - that’s because you’re about to do something brave. Sometimes it feels like it happens for no reason at all. That’s because we don’t always know what your brain is thinking. Maybe it’s thinking about doing something brave. Maybe it’s thinking about something that happened last week or last year. We don’t always know, and that’s okay. It can feel scary, and you’re safe. I would never let you do something unsafe, or something I didn’t think you could handle. Yes you feel anxious, and yes you can do this. You mightn’t feel brave, but you can do brave. What can I do to help you be brave right now?’♥️

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