Recovering from a Breakup: Proven Ways to Heal (From Science)

Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker?  Science may have just found the way. 

New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup. 

An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.

[bctt tweet=”What if your healing from a breakup could be stronger and quicker? Science may have found the secret … http://wp.me/p5hkQx-lk”]

Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.

This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.

A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.

[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]

 

Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.

So, to get you back to strong, based on science …

  1. Talk. Go on. Go for it.

    There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.

  2. Find your story.

    Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …

    If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.

  3. An emotional release – journalling.

    Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing. 

  4. Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.

    Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.

    [irp posts=”150″ name=”Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart”]

  5. Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?

    Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them. 

  6. And expand them.

    Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.

A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.

Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.

306 Comments

struggler of the year

same thing happened with me but with different reason however pain is fresh. our journey started with as asking about each other, I still remembered every thing , her smile gives me reason to smile………
But I don’t have much property like her sister’s husband. She used to talking big house , flat , car……..
I told her that i will try but can’t say yes to this thing…………. slowly she was ignoring my calls and message. After few weeks, I was admitted to hospital because of internal injury. I tried to tell about all this things and finally she blocked me. 6 month relationship broken because of money. Thanks god I am safe. If i will marry with her, definitely i will died thanks . I had pain of losing worst person.

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Alexia

I met the guy in London and we connected instantly. We met two or three times in London over weekends and then he left for india and our conversations reduced and he started seeing someone in india. 3 months later he moved to the US and I moved from Uk to us in July and we met again. Then we kept on traveling to each other’s state every fortnight. He broke up with the other girl as it became long distance and we started dating. We had great memories and we enjoy holidays together and each other’s company. Jan 2021 I moved to Singapore and he stayed in US and we were in long distance relationship. We broke up in July 2020 and I am still stuck. Though the breakup was mutual but I am not able to recover from it. There isn’t a single day I cry and mail him. He has blocked me everywhere and says he’s moved on. Why is it so hard to find someone so perfect and even harder to forget them. Why is it easy for one to move on and difficult for the other.

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Victoria

My boyfriend left me yesterday after 6 years together. Two days before everything was fine, we went to the forest, made dinner, but at night he said that he is in love with someone else and she is his soulmate and he never felt like this before. That he feels like he is going from dark to light. The next day he just packed all his stuff and left. He said that he doesn’t want to see me for a year. And that we will never be together. He left me for the woman he met online, and they have never seen each other in real life. We had a very strong connection, he was my best friend, more than a family. I have never felt anything like this for anyone. And I sit at home, which feels dark and empty broked and in both physical and emotional pain. I can’t imagine myself living without him. And we are not teenagers or in 20s, he is 30 and I am 34 years old. I want the pain to leave me….

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Ankita

Hi Victoria,

I know what it must feel like and I’m struggling too with the idea of everything being different ahead . I am sorry you are in pain. I hope you can find the strength to dream for the future. I know exactly what it means to love someone madly, to trust them and to pour your soul into that love.
I am still healing and there is a long way to go.

Let me tell you – 34 is just a number. You are still you. Work on the relationship you’ve had with yourself for 34 years! As for the guy, he lost someone who would have never given up on him.
People find love at all ages. You will too.

Take care of your body, mind, soul and spirit.
The first step to healing is looking at the reality just the way it is and accepting it. We accept the love we think we deserve but I think it’s time we think what kind of men we deserve. We got to stop settling .

I’ve loved only one guy for 10 years, since I was 15..I am scared I won’t be able to love anyone else like this again in life. My mother said, “You will love again. It may not feel the same. Why do you want it to when you know how it had
ended?”

Love better. Be open to heal, to grow. Your future self is counting on you. Look beyond yourself. Become a part of a community. We look for a home, a sense of belonging in a person but there are so many people and places we are yet to find out.

It won’t be easy. But if you find yourself in the way ,it will be worth it! Go out there and shine that bright light of yours onto the world…

Love
– Ankita D.

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Irene

Just give it a time…only time heals!!! I am heartbroken also. It is hard, but we can overcome it.
My best wishes to you!

God bless everyone here!

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Eddie

1 – do not resume your life in drinking or doing anything that is depressive.
2- go to the gym, go running, go swimming, do something physical to stay fit and looking amazing.
3- all those memories of your ex will linger for a while. Embrace them, honor them and say to yourself, you gave your best and your love was deep.
4. Move forward with someone new. Spin the wheel of fortune. Only this time you will be stronger.
5. Do not call or text or watch your ex’s social media. This is the hardest part in today’s world. You can do this and be brave.

I’m into 6 months after my break up and I am stronger than that narcissist woman.

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Bruce

I left my husband of 8 years because one day he told me he fell in love with someone he just met for 3 months – he wanted a “break”.

This break started in Dec 2019… extended throughout covid and turns out he has completely lost me.

It’s a struggle to live through this narrative, especially with all these covid lockdowns…alone. I’m glad I survived but still recovering from it.

Hopefully one day I will recover and find my purpose in life again. Not sure when will this happen but everyday waking up is a drag.

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Hazel

A week ago my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. Our relationship started off as long distance and over time it naturally became a situation of me going to his city to stay with him for weeks and him eventually coming to see me weeks on end. After about 4 months in we hit a rough patch of just stress and not seeing eye to eye, but we always talked about it as actually found a resolution to our spats. Until last week, we had a small argument and that triggered a week of breaking up, begging, pleading, being blocked. We both had some major growths in our relationship as individuals, both spiritual, but now I feel as though he’s using his newfound spirituality as justification or as a way to prove to himself that he’s right. It doesn’t feel fair that I’m finally in a different place, as a better me and he won’t allow me to share that with him the same way he got to share some of his growth with me.

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Mona

Our relationship started during covid-19 lockdown. Initially I resisted myself from saying yes to him because of multiple reasons such as religion, long distance, insecurity etc. Though we are classmates, we didn’t talk that much in class. We got close only during a study trip. However, I ended up saying yes to him because I also fell in love with him. Though he was one of the most caring, mature and understanding bf I ever had, I used to get angry easily when he didn’t share with me what’s bothering him. I always get to know about him from our other classmates. And sometimes he didn’t text me for hours even though he remained online and replied to others. So three days back I got angry over one of such issues and few hours later he broke up with me saying he don’t want to be in this kind of relationship. I was angry only because during hard times he never reached to me first. I was mostly the last person to know about certain things. Though I know I’ll move on sooner or later but what’s bothering me is that how would I face him in class when our university will reopen. He is really close with most of our classmates (and 95% of our classmates are girls). I feel he’ll try to ignore me before everybody and make me jealous. We are again back to the first phase when we’re strangers to each other.

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Faith

If u can, change classes. My first heartbreak was with a guy with whom I was doing the same course, we were both on the evening session. So wen he broke up with me, at first it was so hard being that I had to c him every night during classes and in the library…,so I changed to day sessions so that I cud c less of him. And the less I saw him, the less I thout abt him.

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Travis b

Its been a little over 2 years since my soulmate and I broke up. I was going through my divorce from my ex wife and she was hell bent on proving me to look like a bad parent. My kids finally got to see a healthy relationship and what it was truly like to see 2 people love one another. After she made up a lie to get the kids taken from me I had all kinds of crazy “accidents” happen to me including almost dying from one of them. I knew I couldn’t tell her what was going on, later found out my ex wife was arranging these. I did what I thought was the best thing and changed how I acted, started being mean so she would hate me because I knew I couldn’t tell her what was really going on. She was going through a custody thing with her ex and if something happened I couldn’t live with myself if he would have got them back due to me or if something would have happened to one of them. There is so much more to this than the few details I listed but there hasn’t been one day I don’t miss her and I would give the world just to tell her I’m sorry and that I loved her more than she knew. I killed me the day we broke up and she rolled the window up and drove away knowing that wasn’t the real me and I only did it to keep her and her kids safe so I thought. As bad as the pain with the break up is id absolutely do it all over again. Just to keep her safe even though I know I’d be miserable. I’m trying to finally put it behind me and let go because I found out she is married and her sister posted she found her soul mate. It sucks and it kills me but knowing she is happy matters more to me than anything. I’ll always have the memories that ill absolutely cherish for the rest of my life. I just hope future relationships are not affected by it because she set the bar to an almost unreachable point.

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SupLada_

i broke up with him last night after 1 year and 2 months. He was loving, caring thoughtful, patient an he sacrificed a lot for me and I got scared I might not be able to return those since I’m lying to him. Lying to him of who I am and what I am. I can’t tell him the reason because he will be shattered. I love him to a degree I can’t even comprehend. He was the only person I ever fell in love with. He was my first love and the one person who made me feel home. He begged me to stay, begged for the reason why I’m leaving. I gave him a different reason and ended it right there. I feel like I’m going crazy and last night I literally felt my heart hurt. I don’t want to break up but it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know what else to do now. I am miserable I miss him so so much and I want to go back but I can’t. I keep telling myself this is for the best that prolonging it will hurt even more.

I don’t know how i’ll be able to move forward and I feel like he won’t too. For a long time. I want him to be happy. I want him to find someone else and forget about me. I just want everything good for him. I love him so much corny as it may sound but i really do and I feel like I would be empty for the rest of my life without him.

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Dean

I feel like you’re my ex lol,
she left me on October 31st,
but we were on for 7 months,
I did the same thing to her, but idk why she left me, she didnt give me a reason,
she just said she didnt have any feelings for me and left me,
broke my heart,
can’t move on at all, never will maybe.

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Jamie

This is perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever read. I hope you find the courage to openly meet someone new someday. Any woman would give anything to have a man fall in love with her like that. Don’t cheat yourself out of what could be, just because of someone from the past. You are only punishing yourself, year after year. You deserve more. Best of luck!

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Steve

I have been married for 7 year I used to cheat my wife when my marriage was fresh then now I’m done with those thinks but my wife she does’nt want to forgiven me when we fight sometimes she refer to me abut past thinks that I have done to her now she is paying revenge she said she does not have feelings for me she is going out with someone who is staying arround my Area now my heart is broken, please I need advice because I love her very much but now she don’t want me anymore please I need to be heal from this painfully heart broken

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Julia

My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me suddenly yesterday. We had never had a bump that we couldn’t push through and come out stronger. He is balancing college and a fulltime job and he just became so stressed that he mentally couldn’t handle being in a relationship. We decided to just be friends and stay close, and when he gets everything with his life sorted out, he said he’d come to me first. I have hope for the future but thinking back on everything hurts so much because we made so many memories together. He wants to hang out like normal, and despite saying that it’s tough for him, he’s not really seeming sad at all. I’m here crying constantly because I’m scared to wait for him, only for him to find someone else, and I know where I’m at now I couldn’t find someone else. I’m just so broken and I miss him so much and I don’t know what to do except cry and grieve.

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Keala

Hey. Chin up. And if you have fear about you waiting and him not coming back, live you life. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

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Hallie

Girl, no! He wants to f*** you without any commitment. That’s why his ass isn’t sad. Tell him to get bent. Don’t be stupid.

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Faith

He is never coming back dia. That was his way of breaking up with u gently. Of course u r heartbroken en it’s rily going to hurt like hell for a long time but the sooner u accept that he is never coming back, the quicker u will b able to heal. Believe me a guy has ever broken up with me with the same reason as that one gave u en promised me the same thing but it didn’t even take him two months to find someone else, and to add salt to the wound, he is the one wu told me abt her while I was busy waiting for him as he had promised me.

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Max

Hi guys. I’ve been dating my ex for 5 months and all has been well, we never really had a big argument. If we did was just small misunderstanding and we would talk again after like an hour.

On 9 nov 2020, his birthday, I organised him a romantic evening in bnb. After we had few drinks with his friends We had a small argument and we exchanged harsh words. The next day he left very angrily to his place of living in another province, as it’s a long distance relationship. He was suppose to leave next day anyway. I however thought we would be back together now because it wasn’t so big to break up. I bumped into him December at a restaurant and he couldn’t contain his excitement to see me. He however still didn’t unblock me. I miss him so much it hurts I love him so much. I am however still in contact with his family. I pray daily for his return he is my soulmate.

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Jay

My boyfriend broke up with me last night. Well maybe technically since New Year’s Eve, but officially last night. I guess I’m still in shock. I don’t know what to feel.

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Jacks

I feel like I’m in a very similar situation as you. My ex, whom I lived with, suddenly up and left me after a fight. Like grabbed all his things, called his brother to pick him up, and moved out. I was shocked and still am shocked. This happened 17 days ago.

He is extremely stressed with being in a residency program, and he felt as if I didn’t appreciate him/just wanted to dump things into him. Had I KNOWN this and had we talked about this fully, it would have opened my eyes…but we didn’t.

There’s some possibility that we can be together in the future. Once he and I are done with school and less stressed. But I absolutely hate the unknown. I hate waiting to find out what will or won’t happen. What if I don’t get over him but he gets over me? I wish I could walk away and feel perfectly fine but my heart aches every single day.

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Sohail

It has been nearly 8 years now since my break up and after having a bad dream today I really have to let my feelings out otherwise it feels suffocating… I fell in love with some one just as the age of 14… And I was lucky enough to be loved back and the relationship lasted for 8 years till we were 22, it got over as the person who I loved changed so much after moving out of country that it just wasn’t the same and to top it off they broke it up. I am almost 30 now, although I feel strong and independent about myself and accomplished but even now time to time I keep having dreams about her in my sleep, and when I wake up my entire day is ruined… I come from a conservative society we dont have open dating and stuff and I thought I’d learn my lesson so I never indulged in any other female after that… I wish I had never fallen in love ever…. Its the biggest blessing and also the biggest curse. Fortunately for me humans dont live longer than 60-70 years on average, I’ll just keep doing my thing and taking care of my parents until my time comes….

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Irene again

Hey..love does hurt..but don’t be so hard on yourself. To continue living and do good for yourself and others is great, although stay joyful, this life is so beautiful, I know it’s sucks. I think that a lesson of a broken heart is to learn to be happy being just with your own self..and I believe after LOVE comes.

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D

About six months ago my girlfriend decided to leave. She sent me a text while i was at work and said she just wasn’t happy anymore. We were together for almost 5 years. I know i was at fault for somethings, we just weren’t compatible anymore. I later found out she was dating a coworker and they had been talking for awhile. She got pregnant. and i thought i finally got the closure i needed . but to be honest i still think about her all the time and it hurts. I really just want it to stop but it doesn’t. She is the first person I’ve really ever let in like that and actually thought we would spend life together. i Just idk I’ve really never been a big one to comment or reach out. But its come to the point that i dont know what to do to actually move on. Ive changed alotsince then ive been going tot the gym and i thought that was helping alot. but i saw them this am on the way to work and there it was again my heart beating so fast and my heart in my stomach i just need some advice frfr

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kriti

blaming is not a solution . relatioship ends for a reason ,it just dont get finished like that. dont blame and u will finaly get a better person .

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Elle R.

I am not one to comment on public sites, but I can feel your pain. I am sorry you are hurting. My only advice, and one I am having to repeat to myself daily right now after my break up, is that forgiveness for an apology not received will help you heal and move ahead. I hope that helps. Take Care.

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E

Your ex was worthless. Any woman who can walk away like that is definitely not worth your time nor worth your feelings. Her character shows she will eventually betray her new boyfriend as well, she can never be happy in a relationship being that kind of person. In the long term, I’ve found that these people always lose. I advise you to get into another relationship casually but not as a long term investment. That way, you get personal development, the security of a new girlfriend and affirmation of your self-worth to help you heal. Avoid getting too seriously involved with someone though, because you definitely don’t need more commitment in your life. It might sound kinda harsh but science says rebound relationships help a ton when you use them correctly. Give it a shot.

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Nicola M

I’m going through a very tough period from a recent break up. I’m not ready to put down my story yet but if we can all offer each other kind words of support at this time it would be great.

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Temi

As a guy I feel broken it’s her 3rd time to break up after 11 years togThe we did almost everytging together…recently distance has taken a toll on us…i just can’t let go of her every time I tried too….my ego and feeling of rejection is killing me…she is there healing up she tOld me she took up driving class now and I am here missing her …..i feel dead inside

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Racquel M

My boyfriend and I just broke up. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. It started out wonderful but after a year, it started to go downhill little by little.
I have always been independent so relationships are never easy for me. I’ve never lived with anyone or been married. Whenever he or any other boyfriend I had even mentioned moving in or marriage, I panicked. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
We are both to blame for the disagreements, arguments, and things that have gone wrong. But I was worse. The more we were together, the less emotionally available or demonstrative I was. I would get hurt or disappointed by something he did or said and either we fought or I shut down.
I feel that I’ve been a terrible girlfriend. I feel that I should never get into another relationship. What’s wrong with me? In every relationship I had, I always fall out of love. Even though I initiated this breakup, I feel awful. At times, I just want him back. At other times, I feel this is the right decision. I feel like I’m going crazy. Does anyone ever feel like I do? Should I stay broken up or crawl back, ask for forgiveness and try to make it work? Are relationships supposed to feel so difficult?

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Cathy

I think that you’re intuition has been telling you something. You’re body knows the answer before you do and I think you ended things for a reason. It may not make sense right now, but it will.
I was in a 7 year relationship, and moved provinces for this guy; who ended up cheating on me. We have been broken up for almost a year now and not a day goes by where I don’t think about him. I was seeing someone for 7 months and I just ended it because I was kept comparing him to my ex, because I wouldn’t let him in, my fear now is that I won’t love someone as much as I loved my ex. You are no crazy for wanting him back, you’re used to the companion and now you have to get used to being alone again. Think about the lessons learnt and the purpose he served you in the time he was in your life, and take what you learnt and apply it to your next relationship.
Losing someone sucks, but it will all work out in the end. As hard as it is, take this time to do you, be selfish and do whatever the hell you want. And enjoy every moment of it.

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ann b

I think there are lots of subconscious reasons we hesitate to bond with someone and pull away. Maybe there were indications that you couldn’t trust him. Maybe not. Perhaps in childhood you experienced unreliable relationships. We crave to be partnered but a lot of us not sure how.
I recently had to reflect on my own interactions in a relationship. I put up a strong boundary that was necessary. I had to find a way to be clear, absolutely clear about the commitment I could not make even when fear was driving me. It’s not easy to be together if boundaries are invaded by either one of you or if you and the other are on different tracks. I think independence comes from experiencing that you cant rely on someone, but interdependence in based on trust.
Don’t go back at all if you feel you can’t be in it with him. It’s not fair. But if you do trust and feel good about boundaries and the path, and you can put both feet in, then ok. I don’t suggest that be if you have doubts. Move on, find a better fit in that case. I hope the best for you

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Seth

Just went through a long term breakup. Me and my gf were 2 months away from 5 years and everything still feels very unreal 6 weeks later. I guess the lesson I learned is be ready for the unexpected to happen. We had talked about getting engaged for over 2 years and our 4th year was the best yet with nothing bad in sight. We have definitely had disagreements and fights but we always solved our issues and made sure they didn’t break us. But one thing I had noticed was that her communication wasn’t that good anymore and it seemed like she wasn’t as excited to spend time with me since it went from having one on time with her 3-4 times a week to once a week. She started to hang with her coworkers more and I could tell that she was not feeling 100% towards the relationship. Back in April we had went on a break but 2 weeks in she decided to finally end off everything citing that she wasn’t feeling a relationship at the moment and didn’t want to hurt me anymore even though those felt like excuses. At the end of the day, I’m doing better than I thought I would be six weeks later, and even though she’s apparently already over me I still haven’t moved on yet. I’ve tried so hard but I know it’s going to take longer for myself. I tried so hard to work things out and not have this all end the way it did. For anyone one else that reads this just know that sometimes no matter how happy you are with someone and no matter how much they tell you they love you forever, that might not always be true. I honestly hope that one day I can get another chance with her but I also know that I have to accept that this is most likely it for the both of us. I’ve learned a lot about myself through of all of this but it still hurts knowing that nothing will ever be the same between us. Especially the fact that I had planned on proposing this year. But we can’t always get the happy ending that we want.

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Faith

My boyfriend nw ex broke up with me last week on 28th out of the blue. We had been together for two yrs and 7 weeks. It was so gd during the first yr that I had no choice but fall in love with him. However, this past yr, he had totally changed. He became so insensitive towards my feelings. He started flirting with other women in my presence whom en I confronted him abt them, he blamed me for being insecure. Bse I didn’t want to lose him, I chose to tolerate it. However, there was this one woman,an Og of his, wu came in his life for whom he broke up with me. So wen he told me he was breaking up with me to b with her, I lost it. I went to his place vandalized his hse, soaked all his clothes en even tuk some money of his plus everything I ever bought him. It felt gd at the time of doing it, releasing that anger, but nw, it is jct dawning on me that I hv really lost him forever. He has blocked me everywhere. I have a long list of admirers wu even nw want to b with en I know can even treat me better than he treated me, but the sad part is they r nt the ones I want to b with. Every inch of my hrt still hopes that he misses me en wud call me to ask me to get back together! How sad is that!!! My heart is aching so much, am so in much pain that one one can even realise. Every one is telling me tht am going to b fyn but no one is giving me the medicine to cure the pain in my chest.

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Belinda

Seth – maybe she just wasn’t reafy to settle down and make that long term committment. That doesn’t mean your happy ending won’t be a reality. I’ve found sometimes people (especially those we truly love) are only meant to be in our lives for a season. Why? We don’t always know the answer. This relationship may be a stepping stone and learning experience on the road to your happy ever after. Sending peace and healing in your direction.

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JT

Hi! I might not feel exactly how you have felt but i’m going through a long term break up right now (It has only been less than a month). We had fights but then we always figure out to make things right. But I also noticed the changes in the way he communicates with me and that he was not into our relationship than he was before. We also decided to take a break but after a month, he decided to finally end things between us. He also had similar reasons for breaking up with me and sometimes I still feel that those were just excuses (even though I know how much of an honest man he is). I know that handling break-ups gets easier but it still feels so damn painful. And yeah, hope is still here. Come what may. Well, I hope you are having a great day, Seth!

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Jodi

Racquel, I feel as you do. I feel that I was terrible (at the very end). I want him back and I also know the relationship would have suffered from the same issues. It feels terrible for us, but we will heal. I think when you are ready and the right relationship makes itself known to you, you will feel differently – and not fall out of love.

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k

You need time to work on yourself, honey. Be kind to yourself. Many of us have been here before. Take some time out for you, work through your stuff, breathe deeply and invest in your family and friendships. In any relationship between two people, the relationship is only as strong as the weakest link.

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Vannility

Dear Racquel M,
I am going through exactly the same as you, emotionally. I have left my man because I felt he wasn’t enough for me and I do still think so, but there are moments when I want him back. Especially now when I got to know that he moved on and is dating someone. It makes me think that maybe I made a wrong choice? If that other woman wants him then maybe I have been to harsh in my assessment? I started asking myself why would she want to be with him? And I know the answer. For thr same reasons I have chosen him to be my partner. He took care of me, he loved me the way I never loved anyone, he was there whenever I needed him. But I have left him anyway. Because there was much more negative aspects of him and even the love he had for me wasnt enough to compensate all of that. And I know there is no way back because even if we got back together there would always be something that will not feel right about being with him. We should move on, girl. If you felt it wasnt it – it’s fine. I wish you will end up in a good relationship onr day. We have a tendency to mistske attachment and lust for love, remember only the good memories and moreover our brains work in a way that they always want us to choose an easy way out. Since break up is never an easy option therefore I think you have done what is best for you. I am no psychologist but from my point of view there is nothing wrong with you. You just need to find a person who will accept your flaws or maybe, when you really fall in love with someone, you will feel that you no longer need to be so independent and you can let someone come a little bit closer 🙂 cheer up and enjoy your life. I will do the same 🙂

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Stut

Hi.. It’s long distance relationship. It’s not my recent breakup but in January i broke up with him. But still i try to talk with him in march-april but i feel there’s no use. Things are getting more worse after i approach him. So stopped talking to him n block. But I keep missing him, our talks, intimate moments n mostly whenever I’m alone i feel crying n crying.. I feel changes in me like depression, anger and sad n uninterested in my favorite things i used to like to do… I don’t feel good energy now from inner heart.

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Terranisha C

I’ve been dating my ex for 8 years and if I’m being honest I’m only 22. He’s was my first and everything and although I don’t miss the relationship “because it was toxic” it’s apart of me that’s really sad. I’m not going be his “rock” anymore like he’ll call me. And it’s been two weeks but It still feels like the first day. Our last fight ended in a physical fight and I know I don’t deserve that but why do we love the People that hurts us the most? Its like I’m over the accusing And me not knowing myself but I miss … my friend I guess????.

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Tom h

I had a tense relationship for 6 months only and it wa any decision to end it, still I can’t help but think about her all the time and if things were different. Most of my thinking is her getting intimate with someone else and it is painful…it’s been 2 weeks I think it’s getting easier, it’s the battle between mind and heart, my mind knows and tells me me 100% that she’s not the right person for me l, however, my heart still yearns for her and miss being intimate with her, just have to resist and stay focused on the reasons why it won’t ever work and pray for this pain to pass…

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Raphael R

I was in a relationship for 6 years but it was a long distance one but every 2 months wecwere together and was making plans to marry…I did a lot for this relationship because of love…when you love someone you do everthing for that person….In this period of covid19 I was talking to her and I told her I miss a little more love and attention from her…..she got mad and told me to look for somone else that can be close to you…likevthat and she never text or call me back. I tried to contact her but shevwont answe or text me back…..I am feeling after 3 weeks of this still so sad and it hurts so bad….some days it goes good but for a moment and then you fall back and only tears are rolling down…..it is a pain you can explain…..still fighting to go on……thank you for reading…

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Jorge L

My name is Jorge

I was living the best life but my gf was slowly crumbling inside and i never noticed. When she finally told me i got mad and we fought and she finally made the decision to leave me but then 1 hour passed and she came back. That was the worst hour of my life. She asked for some time… and it all went downhill from here. We din’t talk for a whole day and then she finally realized I was no good to her and dumped me. Its been about two to three weeks and i found out she had sex with her ex. This has been the worst days of my life and it feels like an eternal nightmare. Thing is I still want her back even though thats not a good person for me anymore since she hurt me so much. Thanks for reading.

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Mi

We were living a wonderful life with my boyfriend almost for four months but because my brother threatened him he told me to break up. What’s killing me most is that we’re getting separated not because of our problems but someone else. I have never been sad, vulnerable and so down I can’t eat I feel like I hate my life and my self. Every day I try to make my self busy during the day and at night I sleep when I’m really tired and then at in the middle of the night I find myself thinking about him and all the stories. This is happening everyday I don’t know what to do.

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Paddy

since my children’s mother split i havent been able to eat properly, I am awake all night and sleep and dawn, She has now found someone new and i am dying inside, I think about her every minute of the day now I torture myself with visions of her and her new boyfriend together, its not easy for me to walk away as we have children together, I love her more than ever but I know Ive lost her for good.

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Archit J

Dude you’ll be alright. Things come into perspective in a while. Just gather you courage and do small things, things that don’t require much efforts, that’ll add to you every day. So that you won’t regret that you wasted your time moving on. At the end of the process you’ll be one great person, better than before, a hero in your eyes and your children’s too. ❤️

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Vicky C

I broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years, just on lockdown. There had been cracks for a while, He had wanted us to settle down, marry and have children, all of which, for a reason I can’t explain why, I didn’t give him Cracks appeared 4 years ago and he gradually became distant, overcritical, untrustworthy and very over friendly with another woman, to the point he was being secretive, buying her gifts and visits to get house without my knowledge. We split briefly and rekindled. However, cracks appeared again and it all turned sour on lockdown when we both knew it was over
The pain and torment in my heart has been so severe, 3 months on that pain is stil there. However, more of an ache and longing rather than excruciating pain, distress and pining for ‘the one’. I was told I was an awful girlfriend and I am now deeply regretful for the actions I didn’t take and things we didn’t do. I had a miscarriage 8 years ago and the loss of my boyfriend has brought back the loss of my pregnancy. I wonder if things could have been different, we would have stayed happy and complete There is no path marked with our names on, only instinct. Life is a journey and time and reflection is a healer. I will always love my boyfriend and think about what could have been. Heartache is one of the greatest pains I have ever experienced and hope to overcome with time.

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Mila

I’ve been in a relationship for almost four years. We broke up a few weeks ago. The thing is that all the time when we were in a relationship I was thinking that something is wrong constantly. And finaly I coundn’t stand that. So I encouraged our break up and he didnt say anything against that. He looked happy and releaved. He said that he would have done that earlier but he didn’t want to hurt me. I was dying inside because I love him. After a day, in the night, I wrote him why I love him and that I hope that one day maybe after a few years, we could be together again, life happens, right? But he wrote me that he doesn’t love me for a long time, he just couldn’t let me go. And lying is the biggest thing I hate but because I understand that person I cant be mad. I know why he didnt tell me for so long. And I still hope that one day we could be together, we just need time, because we didnt have a fairytale history. I did a lot of thing psichologicly bad for give, I went to psychologist, and after that I healed but he didnt, he stopped loving me. Actually, I’m very messed up now, I dont know what was true and love, and what was a lie. I dream every night that he comes to me and says that he was wrong and he loves me. I wait him near the door even though I know he would never do such a surprise to me. And even after so much I love him, I am not mad and I want him to be happy. But it hurts. A lot.

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Sheldon

I just broke up with ex one week ago, we had wonderful times througth the year, but our values differ, especialy when it comes to gifts from others, she took them as a habbit and refuse to talk about it when I brought things up. We were engaged, I thought we can discuss whether or which gift you can take, she said it is her own business and it makes no sense talking to me, at that moment, I can not see the future of us. After three days of silence, she wanted to break up and gave back the ring. Even though she told me she does not want a breakup, I feel like I can not trust her anymore, I did not feel the urge to say or do anything, I just accept the outcome in peace. Now I kept thinking about the wonderful time we had and worry whether her next boyfriend would love her as the way I did. I can`t sleep and I am ab out break down…

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Varun

hi. i also brokeup after 2 years of very close relationship and the problem with me is also same like you as i cant concentrate anything else but her only. my appeptite is decreased. i dont know what to do. i just want my mind to stop thinking of her

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Jon

Howdy Gentlemen,
My fiance and I of 3 years have just recently broken up. Thankfully we were able to talk about a lot of things, and I have documented the process pretty well. My world is shattered, my life revolved around her. The habits, the routines, the support, the feeling of being loved. Everything is gone. Every day is like being stabbed through the heart, and every night is like losing my soul.
I feel yall for sure, and here is what I believe we should do.
For one, we need to look at what we are doing and think about why we are doing it. Then we need to determine what the result of it will be.

Not sleeping, not eating, constantly thinking about her. Why are we doing those things?
For me, I could not eat because I was so upset by the situation that it blocked out my other needs. It also brought back memories of us eating together. I could not sleep because I was so used to her being by my side to talk, touch, or just share the space. I still cant stop thinking about her, because I choose to associate every aspect of life with her and the future I fully believed we would have.
The result of these behaviors will dish us out more pain, more loss, and continue to hurt our futures. We will lose energy. We will lose strength. We will break ourselves…
Now I know we cant just stop these behaviors. ( I consider myself very rational, but my mind simply cant defeat my heart ) However, telling yourself every day that not only will this hurt US, but it also hurts EVERYONE ELSE. Your friends, your family, even your ex would never wish this on us.
We need to let go. We need to determine exactly what kind of future we envision for ourselves. Even if that future is ” I want my ex back “. Then, we need to build ourselves into someone who is capable of that future.
DO NOT BREAK
DO NOT GIVE UP
LOVE YOURSELF, SO THAT YOU MAY LOVE OTHERS IN PEACE.
I’m not there yet, but hopefully some of my words ring true to you. We will recover my friends. We will learn from what has happened. We will be grateful for the good times we had. We will not hold resentment in our hearts, because we are smart enough to know that everything happens for a reason. Believe with unwavering conviction that you will succeed, and make it happen. You never know where we will be further down the road.
I wish yall the best, and a speedy recovery.
Regards,
Jon

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Stut

Hi.. It’s long distance relationship. It’s not my recent breakup but in January i broke up with him. But still i try to talk with him in march-april but i feel there’s no use. Things are getting more worse after i approach him. So stopped talking to him n block. But I keep missing him, our talks, intimate moments n mostly whenever I’m alone i feel crying n crying.. I feel changes in me like depression, anger and sad n uninterested in my favorite things i used to like to do… I don’t feel good energy now from inner heart.

Reply
P

Jon I love your post were all suffering here am going through exactly what your going through, I dont eat i dont sleep i cant think of anything but my my ex sometimes i wish I didn’t have kids with her because now i have to remain in her life and i know she doesnt love me anymore ive never been through heartache like this in my life ive been through all emotions even thought about ending it, but i couldn’t do it i have children and a life to live, we all have to stay strong find hobbies take things slow dont rush these painful feelings its ok not to be ok tell ourselves that we our hurting inside and were going to be ok, alls i can say is its not going to be like this forever.

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Crisis

There are many outlets to release your pain.
Try chatting with a crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line. They literally helped me every night while I was alone and depressed. Breaking up was terrible for me.

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Ro

5 years. I was doing my best being patient. There was something that I saw in her, when I wanted to date her. I knew from the first look, that she had the same feeling about life inside as I did. I was sure of that. But half year ago, I got tired of not being taken for granted. My strength was put in my patience, and I was thriving for celebrations. I always knew that there was more of me inside, still, my patience became a picture of me for her, and she did not believe me of who I was. It was stressful. I wanted to give her something. In the end she told me : I am thankful for the gifts, that you gave me. But there are no more feelings.
for me it is painful. I should not have taken a teachers role here, but what love is ? I taught her, she taught me about things that come from inside. That is lovely. We can not cope together. She picks at me when I express what I am capable of, and after a day we both agree, that we could be together : I pull you on the nose, you pull me on my nerves – she says. we love one another, but we cannot cope with arguments no more. And she got medical issues, when I stopped putting my strength on keeping myself patient. This showed her that she was egoistic.
She got messed over that, and I see her. Still, she does not want to hear anything about that from me. well, sometimes she does. She is pushing that away from her.

I love her. She is a beautiful soul. Good luck for her.
I need to rearrange myself now. Make something for myself.

And I think that if there was a beautiful time – do not delete it after it gets nasty. Remember the beauty you had. Do not put a cross over it.

Reply
Rey

It’s been over a year since my breakup but some days it feel too fresh. My ex and I dated for 3 and a half years and I saw a lifetime with her. And then those plans changed. I spent so much time reminiscing on everything that we had and wishing on the things that we didn’t.

This was a painful chapter of my life, and the recovery has been slow. Some days are better than others, but you know, life still goes on even if its not how we thought it would be. I just wish I came across this article sooner to help me further realize this fact.

Reply
jojie

I had relationship with my EX for almost 6 years. He is very comitted in our relationship in the 3rd year we apart by distance. But he maintaining our closeness by visiting me every 3-4months, we used to have trip together. So we both never feel apart always stay close.
But i decided to broke up after many years i did not seen any future for stability into marriage. There will always excuses since our first year till the 5th years. First he lied me bout his status in the second year that he still processing his divorce. I was shocked that time, i did broke him but him kept coming and promised that everything on track. His genuinely and comitted will do anything for us that was the reasons so i give the second chance for him to proof. But that was the same no changes after 5 years and I only found out he still with his wife. They have problem and he was afraid to loss his son. Thats the main reasons why he never processed anything
Im exhausted for all the promises and love words and the trip few months. I feel terible heart broken and ended our relationship. And now he still begging me to be back and said that he just started the divorce. But i will never trust all his blinded me. He even asked his good friend to contact me to asked forgiveness and kept stay waiting for him till end of the year for his divorce. His friend told me that he is really obssed at me and was confused to take decision. I know this is hard for me since his the first love for me and i was treated like a princess during our relationship. Thoght we are perfect couple as soul mate unfortunately all paid by untrustworthy. This is deeply pain for me to healing and while he is till begging to be back. I had block his contacts but all the memories still running well into my heart. Im praying for everyone who have this situation we all can find our own happiness

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How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.
When things feel hard or the world feels big, children will be looking to their important adults for signs of safety. They will be asking, ‘Do you think I'm safe?' 'Do you think I can do this?' With everything in us, we have to send the message, ‘Yes! Yes love, this is hard and you are safe. You can do hard things.'

Even if we believe they are up to the challenge, it can be difficult to communicate this with absolute confidence. We love them, and when they're distressed, we're going to feel it. Inadvertently, we can align with their fear and send signals of danger, especially through nonverbals. 

What they need is for us to align with their 'brave' - that part of them that wants to do hard things and has the courage to do them. It might be small but it will be there. Like a muscle, courage strengthens with use - little by little, but the potential is always there.

First, let them feel you inside their world, not outside of it. This lets their anxious brain know that support is here - that you see what they see and you get it. This happens through validation. It doesn't mean you agree. It means that you see what they see, and feel what they feel. Meet the intensity of their emotion, so they can feel you with them. It can come off as insincere if your nonverbals are overly calm in the face of their distress. (Think a zen-like low, monotone voice and neutral face - both can be read as threat by an anxious brain). Try:

'This is big for you isn't it!' 
'It's awful having to do things you haven't done before. What you are feeling makes so much sense. I'd feel the same!

Once they really feel you there with them, then they can trust what comes next, which is your felt belief that they will be safe, and that they can do hard things. 

Even if things don't go to plan, you know they will cope. This can be hard, especially because it is so easy to 'catch' their anxiety. When it feels like anxiety is drawing you both in, take a moment, breathe, and ask, 'Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?' Let your answer guide you, because you know your young one was built for big, beautiful things. It's in them. Anxiety is part of their move towards brave, not the end of it.

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