Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

Recovering from a Breakup: Proven Ways to Heal (From Science)


Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker?  Science may have just found the way. 

New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup. 

An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.

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Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.

This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.

A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.


Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.

So, to get you back to strong, based on science …

  1. Talk. Go on. Go for it.

    There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.

  2. Find your story.

    Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …

    If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.

  3. An emotional release – journalling.

    Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing. 

  4. Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.

    Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.

  5. Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?

    Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them. 

  6. And expand them.

    Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.

A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.

Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.

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exactly similar cases for me as well, i was with my girl for almost 4 years, i met her through her sister and her sister was my best friend girlfriend. we were get to know each other for over 1 year and finally when she was at abroad i called her and fly as i could think i could be with her forever, so i flied to the abroad and finally i proposed her, she was studying at abroad at the time, we had kinda long distance relationship for 1 year, and finally she changed to my home town.and we get back to normal as, as people comes and go through our life and try to ruin everything, btw our strings kept together, as i had to work out of town we were again long distance relationshp, btw i can barely see her every month for 2 days. time passes and thing started getting crazy, there was 1 guy 10 years older then her, he was a rich guy and he had a huge crush on her, he started taking her dinner and get her expensive stuffs which i couldnt get her, things get worse and worse, mean time i even dont know whats going on. one time i get to her i found smthng weired. and she started saying to me he was abusing her, and shee gets depressed. so she went to a psychiatrist and started counselling. through the times i try to help her as much as i can i gave all of my best effort. finally she was recoverd. and she had a guy as a best friend after some months, they started to hangout and get together when im not in home town.as she always says that im not financially settled, and show wont be able to have a good life with me. i tried my best to make the life she wants and show her all the happiness. after some days her birthday came. we celeberate her birthday with her family. and next day i had to leave to work again and before i left one of her sister called me and says that her best friend is going to give her surprise when i left. i was suspecting somting wrong past months. so i decide to see whts goin on .so waited and unfortunately i found she was sleeping with her best friend. i caught them together and still she denied when i saw all on my eyes. it was a time my life was like set on a fire. btw also i realized that she is not worth having in my life, btw my question is always, why SHE WASTED 4 years with me, so i decide to end up with her and i end up. after all i blockedher on social media and all, and she started calling my friends and family and started making rumors. btw still i didnt cared because i loved her, i loved a wrong women. btw everything happnd for a reason. after 4 weeks laterly i found out they werre engaged. and i smile my self and says to my heart ‘ i m happy for her, and its my time to moved on get a better life i deserve better’ im trying to be strong and have self confidence, btw this is the hardest times. i had to deal with it till the tright times comes, in this world everything is temporary. time wil heal./

Sierra Z

I recently got dumped out of no where a few days ago. We had a perfect relationship and barely any problems or arguments. He was so good to me and my family, friends and I would have never saw this coming. The reason he said we should break up, was because he didn’t feel ready for a relationship. Like I said this happened out of no where. Im so hurt and confused on why he would completely shut me out and become so cold to me. He acts like as if he doesn’t even know me and didn’t just spend many months saying how much he loves me and how im such a great girl. It feels like he wont come back, and what hurts the most is that i still love him so much and he acts as if im just a stranger.


The same story happen to me and what I believe is guys fall out of love easily, we have to be strong and wait for the right guy to come along. We can do this 💪 unfortunately when you show a guy you care for them and you love them, they get scared and run away. Irony of life 🤷🏽‍♀️


Oooh my gosh sooo true! Every damn time I dont want a guy, they leech on and be so wonderful to win me over. I finally say yaay okay lets do this. Nope. Mine just left me at my friends wedding last weekend, after 2 years.

Jenny B

24 years…and I still cry over the loss. Maybe it’s more about the pain of shocking rejection from the most important person in the world to me..at the time. I feel guilt for allowing myself to be held captive by this man who had our home and life ready! There was no closure, explanation or ability to apologize.


I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

Harvetta W

I cant even imagine being with her it hurts so bad when didn’t have nothing I was there she I accurse of people this my assumption was right she always put other people before I’m truly in love with her and if feels though I don’t want no one else I’m in so much pain lord please help me I’m distress yes I’m gay


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