Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker? Science may have just found the way.
New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup.
An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.
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Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.
This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.
A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.
[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]
Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.
So, to get you back to strong, based on science …
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Talk. Go on. Go for it.
There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.
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Find your story.
Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …
If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.
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An emotional release – journalling.
Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing.
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Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.
Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.
[irp posts=”150″ name=”Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart”]
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Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?
Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them.
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And expand them.
Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.
A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.
Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.
Last night my boyfriend of nine months broke it off with me. We are both older adults. He had a lot of crises through the holidays, health issues, stress about his job, money, etc….then we had some stressful natural disasters in our area along with a few friends dying.
Throughout the past few months my boyfriend had become distant. Stopped having any intimacy completely. Throughout this he has turned to his adult daughter instead of me for comfort and support. talking and texting her multiple times a day every day. When I say multiple, I mean sometimes many many texts, calls and sometimes visits. He has also involved himself in his grandchildren’s lives as though he is their father.
This has put a huge strain on the daughter’s relationship with the father of her children as she always turns to daddy instead of her partner. She hasn’t married her partner it seems because daddy disapproves. She and her dad often bond over what “stupid thing” her partner has done.
As a result, the partner is moving the daughter and their family 2000 miles away from dad. Dad, my now former boyfriend is distraught and completely devastated.
I had planned on breaking it off myself because I realized what was happening was that my boyfriend was having an emotional/covert incestuous relationship with his daughter …this did not involve anything at all sexual between them BTW, just putting her in the position of a wife or girlfriend… in the same way his alcoholic mother had done with him when he was growing up. So why does the breakup still hurt so much? I see that the end of this is the healthiest thing for me, none the less I am very stressed and didn’t sleep last night.
i just dont know where to start im in love with a person madly for an year he was my colleague i had crush on him in the first sight and we both got along well. he loved me with all his possibilities(at least i thought he did). he cooked for me took care of me like a mother . there was a small misunderstanding that made us apart he walked out of my room and my heart leaving me in pieces . we always fight over petty things n then get back together. so i was waiting for him from past 2 months thinking he will come back to me and still waiting. Couldn’t bare the pain he left in my heart seeing him daily infront me not able to hug him not able to touch him not able to talk to him . m really not sure what was the reason may be he got better person in his life or i just dont get it y he left me.If he really loved me y did he leave .Couldn’t sleep or eat. how much ever i try to deviate some or other way i end up with his thoughts. all those things v did together i feel so lonely and some unbearable weight on my heart
I just recently got dumped by the love of my life, he told me he was depressed throughout the relationship. I blamed myself for a few days afterwards but now that I have read this article, I feel better! I might have been with him for nearly a year but I did not waste anything, I did what I wanted but restricted what I said and always agreed with him on everything. Now I’m not restricted and I have no idea to do with the added time! I think I’ll take up some new sports and try to make my grades even higher!
My Boyfriend whom I love most seems to behave that I am invisible to him. He has blocked me in all social networking sites including Facebook and whats app so that I can’t reach to him. Infact I can’t reach to him through phone call. It is so sad for me. I can’t make my day without him. I am actually very much dependent on him. How can I live now?? He seems to me so cold and distant in our relationship. I told him to keep our friendship intact but he doesn’t wish to bother it also. We were very good friends. He helped me in all my project works where I need his support. How can I recover now??? I can’t forget him. I am shedding tears for him but everything is going to vain. I don’t know what will I do?? Please suggest me. Please
Sorry you are going through tough times. Men need to retrieve and collect themselves sometimes. When you are close to someone and it is intense taking a break to recover is something men do.
I suggest to leave him alone, let him be. If he misses you he will come back.
In the meantime focus on things you enjoy, spend time with friends and family.
Meditate and remind yourself how lucky you are to be here at this moment and time. Appreciate little thing. Good luck!
I love you for writing this?
Thank you. I hope it helps to heal your heart.
I was in a relationship for 5 years and in those 5 years I was treated the best I have ever in any relationship I have been in. Unfortunately aside from our own personal issues the biggest issue that broke our relationship was my insecurity and my daughters father. Holding on to my daughters father to keep the peace between us, although the peace was knock down every chance given. Fights after fights with my daughters father and crying to my boyfriend about it was an ongoing thing for the past 5 years. At one point my daughters father was living with me because he had no family to go live with, nights and days I went without speaking to my boyfriend over the phone, just through text. Progressively I thought things were getting better my daughters father started dating a girl secretly I kicked him out and eventually he got his own apartment. I thought PERFECT, now my boyfriend can make this work. Well that lastly very short, my daughters father still had the upper hand because I was tired of arguing and fighting. Our fights became physical with us tussling and things being broken. Holidays were spent with my daughters father and his disabled mother because I honestly felt pity for the both of them and my girls are young. But as the years passed I became miserable, listening to my boyfriend telling me how exciting Thanksgiving and Christmas were and how he wished I was there. I was wishing the same but I was afraid to break from this responsibility I was chained to in fear of insults and fights with my daughters father. I was exhausted of arguing and fighting and fearful. After 5 years I became insecure, I questioned everything my boyfriend did and every argument I called quits. Well after months of it he finally said F*** me and at the end of the week of me breaking up with him I tried calling him to figure it out I tried explaining to him I was upset and insecure and fearful but he was tried of my mess. The following day we had spoke about meeting to talk and he never reached out finally after speaking to a relative who told me to fight for him, I call him and he told me he had slept with a girl from work. Long story short for the past 4 months we’ve been battling emotions and even gave it another try but this time around he was carless. After I continued to call him out on it he told me he loved me so much and felt I was the one for him but he resented me and was full of hurt and anger towards everything he put up with. I have never been this depressed. I finally back 4 months ago broke the chain with my daughter’s father. Did Halloween and thanksgiving without him or his mother and plan to keep it this way, we also cut our communication to my daughter alone, because that’s another things I was keeping a friendship with him. So for the past 4 months the friendship has faded, when he comes around I do my best to keep it casual. But with my boyfriend, now ex Im hurting badly. A few weeks ago I told him we couldn’t continue to communicate because he is in a limbo of emotions. One day he loves and doesn’t want to loose me and other he says he doesn’t know if he can get pass this and if we get back together he wants to be 100% because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Unfortunately I cant stop thinking about the girl he slept with that I mentioned in the beginning over my break up rant. Im so torn I cant believe I ruin this relationship. He did invite me for Thanksgiving but I couldn’t go I told him if the goal isn’t for us to work on us and get back together what was the point he said we could still hang. He texted me last night because he was sad about his grandmother, who he lost last year. We spoke for a little and he told me he was sorry he reached out but he feels like im the only one who understands him. I don’t know what to do anymore part of me feels like I lost him but I haven’t been able to let him go 🙁 hope this all makes sense… after many failed relationships I finally get a guy who did everything I wanted from surprises to laughs to affection to deep long conversations. I felt like I found my best friend… and I messed it all up
I met a girl 2 years ago and she was in an unhappy 7 year marriage. We fell in love and dated for a year while she was still married, he husband knew everything and she ended up divorcing him. We continued to date, go on vacations, and it was great. She would begin to withdraw emotionally from time to time and before long the intervals began to increase in frequency until she was completely emotionally unavailable. 1 month ago she broke up with me and said that it wasnt fair for me to be completely invested, that she was giving everything she had, but needed time to morn her failed marriage. Instead of leaving me when she divorced him and taking time to heal, she said I was a distraction and kept her mind off of the pain. When things were good, they were great. We both agree that there is possibility for a beautiful future together but she needs to not be in a relationship right now. This first month has been brutal, we tried to hang out a couple times, it wasnt the same. I was usually the one to initiate contact, but tonight I realized that I have been doing it all wrong. I need to competely leave her alone so that she has time to heal, time to miss me, and hopefully come back once she feels ready to give 100% of herself. I just told her tonight that it was wrong of my to think I could still be a part of her life, that I was going to let her go, and that I hope she finds what she is looking for. With my extra time I have been going to the gym daily, have been doiong all of my own meal prep and have a perfectly balanced diet, Ive been studying various investment opportunitys, taking weekly violin lessons, and focussing completely on myself. It really helps to stay busy. I really hope that she finds her way back to me, I have never felt for anyone like I do for her. Does anyone have any advice for me???
You are really doing great, I hope by this she made her decesion.
Hello,
I hope you can give me some advice for my case.
My boyfriend and I have been in long distance relationshio for five months. We met at my country and he was on his vacation. He planned to move to my country too cause his dad is living here. Then he was back home and 2 months after that i visited him. We talked on video call everyday since then. We were so eager to the day he moves here. But when the day comes near, he suddenly stopped talking to me. I tried to reach him but he sais his phone was broken and he was having problem with his mom, he doesnt know when he can move and he is sad. Then he blocked me on whatsapp, messenger.
I was hurt so much and did not know what is going on. I want to talk to him but i am afraid that would push him away. I also feel he is hiding something from me. And when i asked him that, he said i dont believe him and we cannot have a safe relationship, lets give us time.
From your perspective, can i know what you think. Do you think he just plays with me and never planned to move here? Or he actually is having problem? This is driving me crazy and hurt me so much.
Thank you
H
You didn’t mention how your relationship was. Were you both transparent regarding issues or used to sort it out all alone. If former is the case then there’s nothing that he couldn’t talk it out. N if it’s later one then wait for some time. Have a faith on him. He’ll come. But don’t make yourself just a waiting clock. Try to arrange your life blocks on your own.
My girlfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were together for about 6 months. Things were perfect for the first 4 months and I was starting to feel convinced she could be the one. Unfortunately things started happening in her life with her apartment, health, and family. She started to become depressed. I continued to try and lift her up and help her get through this (what I thought at the time to be a bump in the road). But her mental state started to get the best of her and our relationship. Things were starting to get really one sided and I felt as if I couldn’t come to her to vent about anything because I didn’t want to add to her grievances. The day before my college graduation (she has one more semester) I sat her down and we talked. She broke down and apologized for the way things have been. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lose me and I meant the world to her. A week later she hits me this the “I’ve been thinking text”. As I was now in my home town about an hour away from her I convinced her we should talk in person instead of over the phone. We met in person and talked for a few hours and all though things still didn’t make sense I made sure to make it a good goodbye. I told her I wished her the best and hope she finds happiness etc. We both ended with an love you. Two days later she contacts me saying she didn’t make the right decision she just doesn’t want to keep hurting me. About a week later we are I guess back together and she wanted me to drive down for her birthday. I had previously had this whole extravagant plan but because of the on and off events I never finished them. I ended up just getting her some fruit… anyway the day was kind of awkward despite my best effort to keep her spirits up. Fast forward to a week after this (and little communication) she said she wasn’t happy with anything in life and thinks we should break up for real. I said if that’s what she wanted then ok.
I’ve been in this crazy self destructive state of mind ever since and I’ve thought about her every day. However she has unfollowed me on all social media and seems to have just erased me out of her life completely. I’m just so confused and left without real answers. She meant everything to me and I tried to always be the best friend and boyfriend possible to her. I’m only 23 and know life will go on, but I feel terrible and am stuck with confusion and “what if” thoughts.
I know exactly how you feel . This is exactly what I went through. You need to talk to someone who has been through the same things as you. Its horrible, a horrible feeling. This just happend to me 2 weeks ago. I cant understand and will never understand. He left me for his EX wife. After me and my two daughters were living w him. I gave up my home to move in with him and then he tell me he needs time to himself , for him amd his two boys. Only to find out in his phone that he was planning on getting back w her. It has been so hard. I feel like i cant breathe. I don’t even know what to do with myself. My routine I had is gone, my happiness and the good life i had with him is gone. I feel like someone has hit me head on with a semi truck.
I totally undrestand you, I hope you get better now,
I just broke up from a physically and verbally abusive marriage, we dated for 2 and a half years and married for 1year and some months, we had a daughter together who is 8mokths old now. He used to beat me up, even while I was pregnant then he did beat me up too, not once , not twice many times. He was also very verbally abusive , he would lash out very strong abusive words at me, he was possessive too and lied a lot too. After I gave birth I thought the presence of d baby in our lives would make him change but he still beat me up twice again and I could not take it any longer I had to be strong for me and my baby girl and I left him. He begged and begged and said he had changed but I don’t believe him and besides I have had a enough. I am so disappointed in him.
I am now going through the same (a guy here) – with complete disbelief about the turn of events – a turnup only to be told that she was with another man (for 2 months) and all the while we were still communicating daily and tenderly. We are in an LDR for 3 years but I have taken the efforts to fly over every 2 months to keep it alive. Talked every day and have plans to really be together. She was all I wanted – and we connect at all levels – but I was totally shattered when a decision to leave was not even communicated. If she told me that she had fallen for another man (the guy that ditched her 8 years back to marry another only to come back when he thought the marriage is failing, and not divorced), I would have respected the end and let go. But to tell me in the face when the man prodded her to break up was cruel and callous. One month on, I am still in this cycle of pain and disappointment. I don’t blame her and I know she won’t come back again. But this has broken all the trust, the compassion and all the good things I believe in life and in other individuals. I am hardening up as a cynic. Any help or advice to relieve the pain, in anyway, appreciated.
stan i hope your doing better…i was in a ldr for 13 years, this past year i was getting brushed off from visiting, she was distant, and refused to let on she wrote off the relationship… 3 weeks agon when i asked her what was going on she said she checked out a year earlier and she didn’t tell me….i thought i had a gf, she said to her friends and co-workers she was single, while still talking to me weekly like nothing was wrong…i told her i wanted to move down with her, she said too late…she can’t trust me to do that…my major issue was her parents were rich and they hated me….and i’m no kid, i’m older than 40….
We broke up after almost 2 years together. We spent most of the time together everyday and we have alot of similar interest and activities together. I was devastating when he left me suddenly over 1 phone call and hardly could reach for him after. My life was completely changed over night.
Very soon, I found out he was seeing a girl and now she is his girl friend. I always think it was a cheat but he denied. 7 months, I still couldnt live like normal as I unable to sleep at night and I will still crying and thinking about him and our time spent together. Self blame, self guilt repeatedly in my mind that I’m not good enough. My self confidence is completely gone.
I’m struggling everyday to not feel sad.
OMG, I undrestand , horibel thing is that, they are going without explanation I can not sleep at night as well, Three Months passed I still can not stand up.
I am sorry to hear your pain. Just because one guy left you does not mean it’s your fault and you aren’t worth it. Self blame is the worst blame. It stops you from growing. Whether he cheated on you or he did not cheat on you, that shouldn’t make a difference to you cos he left you. People leave people for a reason but the reason isn’t always you. Probably he wasn’t worth your time and energy. He wasn’t meant to be with you, he belongs somewhere else. They say when you truly love someone set them free, and after that set yourself free. Life is beautiful and we are lucky to see each passing day. To feel the air the taste the food. No one has said don’t be sad. Happiness and sadness are two of the most strongest emotions, this is a cycle if we have felt happiness at one point of time we shall experience sadness as well. And in this course why blame yourself. You should embrace yourself and have pride. That you did not go wrong anywhere. You gave it your best shot. Atleast you can look at yourself in the Mirror everyday and tell yourself that you don’t have any guilt cos you were truthfully. In this world where we have all fake things and relations you Weren’t fake. And that is a super power in itself. You are strong and truthful, u know how many people would want that superpower. But you are already blessed with it. You aren’t so weak that a man decides your worth. Stop being in denial and tell yourself that you are no longer with him, probably cos someone better is meant to be with you. Someone who has the guts to call you back from his trip. You are a hero, you have been truthful and waited for him. I salute you for being so strong.
I was dating a married man that left his wife for me and had multiple women besides me we also had a threesome together me him and the wife. During this relationship he abused me physically and emotionally. It’s now over after all the abuse n me aborting my baby because of him I don’t know how to gain my strength back n start to love me again.
Dear Omeekaah – There is always hope. The reply Karen Young made to Berenice is very good advise too, (its above yours.) Omeekaah, You will heal. As difficult as it sounds, this person gave you a wonderful gift — You will never choose to be in a relationship like this again. You will be amazed at how strong you become. Quite likely you are very loving, and loyal. It is some other pain that needs healing, and there is hope for that too. You will forgive yourself, and God will forgive you, all you need to do is ask. Don’t let shame overtake you. We all need a Saviour. He helps us become like Him and that is the funnest way to live! The book “Safe People” is a great book and a great help. ‘How to recognize safe people and how we all can become safer.’ by Cloud and Townsend. Happiness is yours. Find a loving church, maybe Assembly of God in your area. Try a few and see where the people really will connect with you, then learn from them. You don’t have to be a certain faith to go, you can just go and be cared about. Not all churches are the same, because they are all made of people : ) . Find some learners. Thank you for sharing. These are multifaceted loses, but you really can heal! And that’s good news!! “He binds up the brokenhearted and heals all their wounds” Also, there is probably a women’s abuse network or organization in your area you can go to. Most have special classes to help women understand how to heal from abuse. We are all learning, and as painful as it is, this season of your life did you a favor. You can embrace that. You are probably going to write a great book one day and help a lot of people. Either way, your large loses are not in vain, and Jesus is very near to you wherever you are. I hope you feel His kindness today. You have great value and worth. At some point, most people hurt, really hurt inside, its what we do with it that matters. Learn the ways to prevent future pain, wisdom and discretion will be there. Thanks for sharing today. You just helped me put my things in perspective and reach to you. And that’s good medicine. Bless you! Speedy recovery, L
Dear Omeekha sorry to hear all the pain you went through s but remember not every loss is a loss. To gain something better and meaningful we have to make a lot of sacrifices and wrong decisions. This is the most difficult time one faces, when everything feels incomplete, there is a ache in the heart which is indescribable. This is the time where we flourish. Remember if you can over come this feeling, the future is always going to be beautiful. Life itself is a beautiful thing, and we are the lucky ones to be born as humans. Cos we have feelings and can express our emotions. We can feel things like no other living being. This is a god’s Gift and we should always be grateful that we are alive and still breathing. Also until and unless we don’t go through hardships and bad times we shall never appreciate the good. This is a cycle, and life itself is a journey and learning process. Now you know exactly what you don’t need in your relationship. All I can say is I pray to god that whatever you are going through ends soon. And you find your happiness. Develop your strength’s and you shall realize what a beautiful person you are. Self love is the best love. Like it’s said even god dosent help the people who don’t help themselves.
Just a couple of days ago I lost the love of my life. Almost a year into the relationship but it felt like forever. He decided to part ways because under the “circumstances” it was impossible for us to be together. In the beginning of the year he had left the state we lived in and stayed in a different state for months and months. I stood by him, I answered all of his phone calls, answered to all of his letters and believed that after he comes home we will never go part again. That we would be stronger than ever. The day came when he finally came home but he didn’t call. I found out by somebody else that he was in town. I thought he was going to surprise me but that didn’t happen. We finally got in touch but he was so cold and distant over the phone. That’s when I knew that the man I fell in love with was gone. I was in denial. I couldn’t lose him but he said it was for the best that I should move on that I deserve better. He said that things will always be the same between us. He told me so many times that he loved me but now it feels like he never meant it because he left. My heart is aching and I feel like I can’t breathe without him. I put so much time and effort into him and I was left with nothing.
Berenice we don’t leave any experience with nothing. I understand it feels that way, but in leaving this relationship you are one step closer to the one that is right for you. In time, things will make sense and you will learn what’s right for you, what’s wrong for you, and what you want in a relationship – starting with somebody who will build a relationship with you that feels safe, loving and communicative. People change, and when it’s the person we love who has changed it can feel breathtakingly painful, but as hard as it is, don’t take this personally. The combination of the two of you stopped working. In time you will find your strength and clarity around this, and you will be grateful for the wisdom that has come from the mess. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.
Your situation is like me now, Just god knows how I am suffering but he left me because he make other girl Pregnant , actually he cheated on me and now he has too much responsibility and loyality
For other girl
I’ve recently gone through a break up because of a misunderstanding early in the relationship, we had just met and I wasn’t sure where we stood and I had a one night stand with an ex and because parameters of the relationship hadn’t been set at the time I wasn’t sure if he’d care or not, because we had only met 3 days prior but it came up a month later and he ended it out right and I’m devastated at the moment and I really am looking for a healthy way to heal
Sorry to hear about your breakup. But love is difficult. You should consider yourself lucky that you have had the experience of love in your life. I won’t say that since you have only been together for sometime the hurt is less. But you are lucky to understand the mental strength of your partner at a very early stage. Sit down and write where all you went wrong and what did you learn from your relationship. I am not saying that you might get your ex back. But this will help you to analyze yourself as a person and you will eventually work on yourself to become a better person.
I was very happily married for 15 years, she passed away suddenly from brain aneurysm. I was devastated I thru myself into work and about a year later met Robin.
She was extremely caring, loving and passionate. I reeled for about 4 to 5 years while dating Robin. She knew I had baggage but felt I was worth working with to heal and to love. about 8 years into it, I asked her to move in with me. She did, and the next 3 years were a living hell.
She was very unhappy and blamed me for every discomfort and insufficiency in her life. All I ever wanted to do was build a sold life for us where she would feel safe and loved forever. She had a traumatic past that haunts her to this day. I have nothing but love and compassion for her hurts. It wasn’t enough.
she packed and left 2 days ago while I was at work.
I know she has some unstable emotions and hurts, but she abused me and was always yelling at me for very petty issues like not putting the forks in the correct slot in the drawer. Whenever I tried to bring up issues she had, she would get very defensive and start yelling at the top of her lungs. This got us evicted from two rentals over the years. .very unstable.
Of course there is a up side to her when she is feeling secure. She can be such a sweetheart and very understanding.
anyway, Im crushed and very disappointed.
at age 57, I don’t have much confidence in another relationship…I mean how many more long term relationships do I have left in me?
It seems it takes at least a decade to really know and trust a person. then it’s all subject to change and that growing together could mean growing apart.
the only thing Im sure of is…
life is strange, beautiful and sad.
Really feel for u jack, I just came out of 31 year relationship. We met when we were teenagers and were together for 16years then got married. It was the happiest day of my life a real fairytale wedding. We had been through a lot together good times and bad but things started to go down hill after we got married. My husband became very controlling and defensive if I had a difference of opinion on anything, We had a business together and he wanted to be in control of all the business finances and we had build a lovely big dream house together. I couldn’t have kids but we got a lovely dog. We had just had our 15th year wedding anniversary and he’d got me a huge bouquet of red roses and a week later we had planned to go on holiday to a beach house with the dog. Very romantic u would think. He started to become withdrawn and I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just under a lot of pressure at work and was just looking forward to our holiday together. I thought things were going well. Then one night I came home and he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that he was leaving me. He cancelled the holiday and within 2 weeks had got himself an expensive apartment and moved out.
I felt numb with shock when he told me and devistated. I Felt like my whole world had fell apart. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said no but to this day I still don’t believe him. We’ve been Brocken up for 10 months now and from a woman who was begging him not to leave I wouldn’t take him back even if he offered me the world. The trust has gone and when he left I felt deceived, betrayed, devastated and totally disrespected by his behaviour. He told me ‘ How could u be so blind sided’. I wasn’t he was just a good liar and I wouldn’t have him back if he begged me and offered me the world. I decided to take control of my life got house keys back from him, stopped him walking dog, and he not allowed near house only if invited. 6 weeks ago he lost his job. Now he’s without lovely wife, dog, home and job and only 2 months left on his tenancy agreement. He was laughing at me and taking the p***s but I’m having last laugh now. I’ve gone from being victimised and having suicidal thoughts to victorious and will keep moving onwards and upwards with my life. I’m a different person now a lot stronger and more independent. I lost myself in the relationship because I made him the Center of my world and I’m rebuilding a new life and new and better concept of self now without him. I have good supportive friends who have been amazing and seen me through some very tough times. As far as he is concerned he’s made his bed and he can lie in it although I don’t think it will be long before Mr big shot full of ego ends up on his mum’s sofa and good luck to him. I’ve not reacted in a bitter or revengeful manner and have just learned to stand up for myself and not take any of his sh**t on board. We’ve still got the divorce process to go through yet but will cross that bridge when it comes to it. I feel so relieved and empowered to be standing on my own two feet now so there is hope. I’ve just turned 48 and I’ve not given up on love and believe that the right person comes along at the right time if it’s meant to be. I no longer feel suicidal and believe my life has meaning and purpose today even if it’s to carry a message of hope that life is to be enjoyed not endured and it’s worth living. I write this with the intention that maybe it will help anyone who is going through a breakup that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how hard and painful a process it might be for u right now. Never give up on life as I nearly did there is always hope.
My partner of 3 years broke up with me after 1 year moving across the country together. I guess moving was part trying to save our problems, but I became very bitter, nit-picky, and pushed him away. I have BPD ane he thinks it’s now from narcassism. The job situatiom was bad and I have no friends, everything is leading me to move back after going through all of the savings, but I can’t take it my dad’s in prison for life and it hurts all over again. I’m 24 and just want committment, someone to marry me and tell me i’m important. I feel very hurt that he would lead me on to thinking we could fine stability, I struggled to maintain my life in cali years ago while going to college. I did become bitter from bad job times here, but can’t help feel my anger is remotly valid. I am having a hard time cutting ties. I have a huge fear of flying and hate the drive home. He has a job and a band. I am goint back home to finish school from home because I thought we would both b okay without degrees but we weren’t. I have to give up everything while he benefits from my deciding to move out here.
I really learned so much from you and from jack real life stories. I am an Indian girl. I am 25 years old. But I am in relationship with a man of 34 years old. I really love him very much. Very very much. I don’t have friends at all. Only he is my friend, my love and everything. But from last two days he is not talking to me. I am feeling really bad. Our relationship is of 1year and 6 months. We met with each other on 4th January 2022 in his own gym. And I fell in love. I can never love any other man in my life. But sorry to tell you one more thing that he is married. He has one daughter of 8 years old and one son of 4 years old. He got married in 2013. But I don’t know why I fell in love and he also. He loves me very much. He takes care of me. He makes me happy. He is very very kind to me. I am a teacher and my salary is also good. I am studying also. And preparing and planning to do something good in my life so that I could fulfill my all dreams and I could buy my favourite car. But now he has changed little bit. He has gone out with his wife and children to some hilly areas for 2 days and he blocked me from everywhere and I am not able to contact him. But I am dying to meet him and listen his voice. I am missing him badly. Sometimes I want to forget him and move on because sometimes he hurts me. But he loves me so much. I don’t know we have future or not. But I can’t forget him. I can’t love anyone else. I love him only. And so much. My parents are also forcing me to get married but I don’t want to get arrange marriage and I don’t like any guy except him. How can I move on? How can I forget him,? How can I delete this true love , lots of love feeling for him from my heart ? This is just impossible. I am helpless. I cry a lot. I miss him. I feel depressed. I am very beautiful. Everyone likes me. But I don’t know why I can’t forget him. Why I can’t live without him. I think only god can help me. But he is my first love. I never loved before and never met any guy. He is my first and I think last love. I never talk to any guy not even girls. I go to school to teach and come home. And I study , I do lots of household chores, I do my all work myself and u go to gym and I talk to him. Every Sunday we go out to have dinner or eat snacks , for short drive and enjoy in a car. I am missing him badly. But he blocked me and not talking to me. I don’t know why.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, I have high funktionating autism and extremely hard to make friends lovers relationships, I can’t get out of my glass bubble, it suffocated me.. But he truly hurt me, he sexually harassed a woman it was in the beginning of hour relationship, at first he said it was just something he said to hurt me, I really wanted it to work cause I had been alone for almost a decade after a brutal assault several rape attempt, one gang rape attempt that left me trusting in no one. Left me with broken sense of self and boundaries. I was younger and more naive 5 years ago and didn’t see the gravity of what he actually did to me, and that other woman. The sexuall harassment was just words of sexuall nature she giggled apperently so I guess she felt a sense of ego boost from being wanted. The point is he always gave more sexuall attention to theirs but cept telling me he want and love only me. but it ruined our foundations of trust. Ever since it happened it was a unhappy self destructive union. I rarely wanted sex with him. My condition makes me naive and immature for my age. I would say both mentally and physsichally. Like I never really developed. I’m afraid there is going to be an other decade of loneliness and I think daily of suicide.
Hi Sam
I have been with my husband for 17 years. We have children together. I was very young when we started dating and have been with him my whole adult life. It has been 5 months and I have begged him to come back. I even told him I don’t care if he doesn’t love me anymore, I just want him back. He says he has nobody else but I am very skeptical. We were out on date nights only a few weeks before he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I am in so much emotional pain I feel like I can’t breathe. Your post gives me hope. I don’t feel I will ever be attracted to anyone again as I am still so in love with him. How is this so even though he has been so disrespectful? Please tell me it gets better and it will soon. How long did it take you to get over him? It’s now been 5 months for me.
We’ve been dating for about six months. The relationship has been pretty terbulant from the beginning with us having a fight about a month in. We took a 5 day trip together where there was no closeness. No sex and only on the way back home did he finally start opening up. He wants space and emphasis boundaries. I want something with a deeper connection and someone I can depend on. It hurts ending something and putting myself back out there when I don’t know if I’m right. But he’s turned off notifications on his phone from me. Because I’m overwhelming. He gets mad at me every time we hang out for something wrong I’ve done. It’s breaking me down. Hopefully I’m making the best decision for myself
Hi, Recently my boyfriend broke up with me before I was moving back to my house after finishing the college.We were together for last 2 years and also we have different religions (He is a Muslim and I am Hindu ). I asked him about the reason and he said that it would be hard for him to this relationship as a long distance one (Even though we still love each other ) and he would probably lie to me and eventually we’ll fight. He says that even if it works it would be so hard for us to get along because of the religion thing. So it’s better to get separated and move on to focus on our careers and our future. He is willing to be my friend but for me, this isn’t working, I just want him to be normal again. It’s painful, I just can’t stop thinking about him.
There’s a girl who looked totally perfect for me, she really cared about me and made me feel very important, she was so nice and kind, after a while I started developing feelings for her, and we got really close we talked a lot every day (it was a long distance friendship) , then one weekend she was all busy, then I found it out that she was talking to another guy when she said she was busy, and that totally broke me, then a few days later I told her how I felt for her, and later it turned out that she was dating with that guy but she kept it all secret, then I broke me really much again, I felt so worthless and everything, but then they broke up and she said she loved me too, we got into a long distance relationship, we were talking all day long about how perfect our future will be together, and I was as happy as I’ve never been before, it was the happiest period of my life, I felt like I was worth something and my future looked so safe, but a few months after she started acting weird and I questioned her, I made a new account and added her, then asked her (on the anonymous account) if she had a boyfriend, she said no, and hearing that my whole world turned upside-down, I was crying hours, cutting myself, and I wanted to leave her because she denied me and she would’ve just cheated on me, but she started begging and said she didn’t want to lose me, so I gave her one more chance, now recently she had a time when she was acting all cold, told me that she didn’t care about me, she didn’t care that I was crying, she was avoiding me when I was upset because “she didn’t feel motivated to talk to me”, and the sentence that left the deepest wound in me was after I told her to think about our future and how happy we will be, she asked “what kind of fairy tale is that?” And on that point I was totally done, I said my goodbye to her, but she started begging me more than ever to not leave her, and said she’d change, I said one last chance, and then again, she was ignoring me and not even showing the slightest interest, so I gave her a week when we’re not talking and now even though she’s online she’s ignoring my messages on purpose and doesn’t look like she will ever reply me.
But still, I can’t forget her, it’s been over a year since the breakup but I’m still not feeling any sign of healing, I’m hurting so much and it’s getting really unbearable. It’s totally consuming me.
It’s a war between what the mind knows and how the heart feels. It’s been 2 years since we broke up and I haven’t moved on a day. She cheated on me with her ex, still I got back hoping it won’t happen in the future. But I guess, “loyalty” means nothing in this world. She broke up with me a couple of months later and did not even bother to tell me why. She told me it was my mistake to trust her after she cheated on me. Now, she only talks to me when she needs any help, and then acts like she is doing a favor to me. She tells me how incredibly happy she is with her ex, and how I could never match up. I don’t know if she is hurting me intentionally or she is just that immature. Every time I make up my mind to get out of this, I’m dragged back into this black hole. Time heals everything, they say. In my case, it is just not helping.
i been with my ex for 5 years. 1st year was good because i was able to be myself. i would spend all my with her buy he what ever she wanted take her to dates all the time. theirs time when she and her sister always tell me im to nice i need to say no sometimes and put my foot down. im a nice person i didnt mind doing things that i feel is right thats how we got together because i was myself. she wanted a xbox which i know she dosent play video games so i told her no she kept bagging me so i brought it 3weeks later she told me she sold it because i said it was okay which i never did. so i brought her a necklace 2 or 3weeks later she lost it in a hotel room. we were looking for it but couldn’t find it. so that same year are 1st year she wanted to get are own place together i feel like i was being rushed because she wanted a baby in 1 or 2 years and thats a been step. so i didn’t move in with her. so basically are relationship started to go down. always arguments break ups going back to each other. theres time he would say i can never take you serious. most of the time she doesn’t respect me at all. so basically i started to ask like the was she act towards me she doesn’t like it i said thats ho i feel when you talk to me like that but it never change. i put alot of effort into re relationship but she will always blame me for breaking up. i respect her as a women but she doesn’t respect me as a men. we argue she will tell me im weak for a men i cant handle her. she 24 now im 27. since day one i always gave her my respect. now we will disrespect each other which i dont like. i did everything i can so she can take me serious but it didnt work. she feels like she have to say something so we can argue more. the whole 5 years we broke up like 6 times.. when im hungry she cant afford to by me food or cook because she will always say if we had or own place i would show you the real me. i felt like it was lies. we took space so are relationship could be better month pass by still space but we will hang out all the time. so sh texting with a smile on her face i said who are you texting a friend i said is it a girl or guy she said dont worry about it. 3days latter she told me it was a guy. she love to be on her phone 24/7 everytime we around parties ect. so thats when i started to think she hiding something but when i feel like something bother me she expect me not to tell he because we always get into a arugments. so she went to a club got back home drunk her tits half way out i was pissed. so next day i went she had this short dress that will show her panties everytime she dance i didnt like that. so next day i told her how i felt about her wearing it she said stop it i don’t want to argue. i said know we are not about to argue im letting u know it bother me and i dont want you to wear it anymore. so she said im a girlfriend not a wife. so i can okay if you dont respect me and dont wear that dress anymore we cant be together. she said well guess not then.. so we broke up for good. she said she cries more being with me then being alone because we always breaking up. if she respect me as a men and take me serious we would of never been in this situation.
For every negative thought of my ex, I think of 2 positive qualities and forgive her then myself. It’s been 5 months, from a 6 year relationship, and I cannot describe what is happening, but it feels amazing!
“To love is to understand their suffering.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
How does thinking about the positive qualities of your ex help you to move on ?
Doesn’t that make you miss them more?
I just find out my Bf was cheating on me with his ex, so I broke up with him, we just dated for 9 amazing months Gosh nothing!!!! he was always demanding my attention, texting me all the time, calling me every second, off days together doing everything, dinner, movies, biking, studying he made me dependent on him but, our relationship was a lie, how can somebody says I LOVE you but they relly don’t, How can they make you fell loved? been fake… why this is so painful, I don’t know what to do alone, I depressed, I’m so sad because I didn’t listen to my friends or my mom, he apologize for lying to me and hurting me its been a week and I can’t stop looking at his social media to see if he is with her I can’t stop crying. He’s just fine after everything telling me that we need to learn and move on … So damn true, he’s right I wish I can be just like him.
Hi all,I came here in January after a breakup, as she was seeing her ex as well and broke up with me that time, I didn’t take Karen advice that time, I got back with her after three weeks, guess what, she again broke up with me and started seeing and spending all time with her ex , this time I am firm , no going back to her even if she comes back, I am in no contact since 2 weeks and things are improving, try to engage in work as much as you can , hangout with friends and family, we are missing love, so it’s great to spend time with people who love us and move on… life is too short to be stuck for one person and if things didn’t work once they will not work again unless you really give a good break and both of them change the things … enjoy the life that’s what we are here for and learn from experiences
Me and my bf was very happy in past days and both want to marry but his parents don’t want me as his wife and he also with his parents decision. M feeling so lonely and not understand what should I do now I love him madly can’t handle this situation plz anybody help me what should I do
breaking up with someone you love is always a tough experience. my boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago and i can’t let it go yet. I’ve never tried journalling before. it may help me this time.
I had been in a 5 year long relationship. It was one sided… i was blind… for 5 years he kept hanging with me… every 6 months he would give me a date, to meeting his parents. and then he made sure it never materialize, blaming me for all the wrongs , making excuses and then eventually making up with me. You might ask why i didn’t breakaway at the first instance… because between us it was more than just mental and emotional attachment.
He then flew to Malaysia for a new opportunity and never met me nor bid me good bye. He just disappeared. How can guys fake love or being in a relationship??
We were together for 2 years. My first relationship after a twenty year marriage, hers after 6 to a narc.
We both carried baggage into our relationship, and developed a great bond and special connection. We loved each other more than we loved before. My girl had a troubled past with trauma and I was supportive of this and the symptoms throughout. This was no easy feat.
I have discovered a traumatic past after we broke up, that affected my emotional regulation
We argued like normal couples, were mostly emotionally sound with each other and were working on improving our skills in this area. We were compatible in so many ways. February 2017, I blew at my beloved, and emotionally abused her. Hurt her terribly. We separated 10 days, briefly reconnected for 2 days then for 7 weeks, as I had to go overseas for work. During this time we talked amicably by text and phone, though she was suffering depression from the event. It hurt me being unable to be physically present for her, and she would say she couldn’t be with me. On the eighth week, my beloved said that we will not reconcile, and has reduced texting to a minimum. She told me to let her be and move on. We texted this morning, and she told me she was going on a date, and that she was moving on. She also said the good times with me were incredibly good, but she can’t go back. Talking with me, and thinking about me gives her anxiety, but she wants the best for me.
I am distraught; heartbroken. I am taking psychological treatment for my trauma condition and attending the gym, but can not let go easily. She was the love of my life; my soul mate.
My partner and I have had really good times together, 6 weeks ago we had a fight which resulted in me slapping her. I showed remorse and we tried to work through day to day life but not really talking about things. I suggested counselling for myself but then thought I don’t need it like an idiot. My dad took his own life three years ago, mother died 20 years ago and the anniversary cones within a couple of months of each other. I do struggle over this time but try not to be a burden. my children live in another country my sister and brother in law left this time last year travelling so have no one to talk to have to face. I know I’ve been a fool but I can home from work yesterday and my partner had moved all her things out and left without a word. She gave me a kiss goodbye, smiled and that was that. I tried to call and text trying not to be over baring but not a word. I find where she was today but wouldn’t speak to me. I am close to her children and they say they don’t really get anything out of her. She is 52 and I’m 49 and had said before she feels like she is too old for the drama I cause. I have left her feeling insecure and unable to live with me. I have an icy tongue and so not split words.
I can see my faults but struggle to change and know this as its happened in the past. I do love her with all my heart and want to change. I guess I just felt things would be okay. She gave up her house to live with me in mine but I never made her feel like it’s hers. What I would do to change that now when the horse is bolted. I feel so ashamed, lonely and know it will only get worse in the weeks to come. What I would give just to hold and and tell I will change, I need to grow up and open my heart and soul to her completely again as we were amazing for most of our 6 years together.
Why is it so hard to move on rom someone you loved the most. I just broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago, after finding out that she is cheating on me. We’ve been together for almost a year and yet I promised her and myself that she will be last woman im going to love. I am tired of falling in love and fail and start all over again. I did all the best thing that I can to prove her and her family that I truly love her. She got a rheumatic heart disease and i did my part for her wellness. I share with her family for her medication to prove them my utmost sincerity and love to her eventhough I know that they are well off and have the full capability for her medications. I did what I supposed to do. I am working overseas. When she get well things suddenly change. When we were starting she even fought for me, for us… because her mom is against me as i am not like them. I have to work hard for a living and I did. But unlike them, they have their own company. At first, she always tell me that she can’t live without me. I am her world and so she is to me. Each and everyday we talk… we chat… kike there is no tomorrow. Until she got hook up with music application in her mobile and things went differently… she changed a lot and then i found out that she is cheating on me… but why is it that I love her still and i can’t move on from her… i want to get mad at her, to get angry with her, to curse her… but i can’t… instead… my love and emotion for her superceed all of the hatred and anger… why is it? Why???
After being 3 year single i thought i found a guy which is truly can give me happiness.
1.5 year we hv been together, it was all beautiful, caring, simply say was everything perfect till i found this guy is married who had family with 2 kids. He had been lied to all this time and came to my life , to my family and friends.
His explanation was for this , because he didnt wanted loose and time comes he planned to tell me.
I am broken into pieces and after that i found his another lie on social media which is his wife she is pregnant for the 3rd child.
We hv been planning to get settle down and prepared our documents for marrige after he meet my family.
Now i feel like i was his hidden mistress this whole time and i am so heartbroken for whole this situation.
He still came to me after that and asking to talk if he can get a chance to make up everything.
This whole situation make me blurred and killed without knife.