Recovering from a Breakup: Proven Ways to Heal (From Science)

Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker?  Science may have just found the way. 

New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup. 

An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.

[bctt tweet=”What if your healing from a breakup could be stronger and quicker? Science may have found the secret … http://wp.me/p5hkQx-lk”]

Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.

This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.

A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.

[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]

 

Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.

So, to get you back to strong, based on science …

  1. Talk. Go on. Go for it.

    There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.

  2. Find your story.

    Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …

    If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.

  3. An emotional release – journalling.

    Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing. 

  4. Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.

    Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.

    [irp posts=”150″ name=”Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart”]

  5. Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?

    Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them. 

  6. And expand them.

    Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.

A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.

Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.

337 Comments

Jack

I was very happily married for 15 years, she passed away suddenly from brain aneurysm. I was devastated I thru myself into work and about a year later met Robin.

She was extremely caring, loving and passionate. I reeled for about 4 to 5 years while dating Robin. She knew I had baggage but felt I was worth working with to heal and to love. about 8 years into it, I asked her to move in with me. She did, and the next 3 years were a living hell.

She was very unhappy and blamed me for every discomfort and insufficiency in her life. All I ever wanted to do was build a sold life for us where she would feel safe and loved forever. She had a traumatic past that haunts her to this day. I have nothing but love and compassion for her hurts. It wasn’t enough.

she packed and left 2 days ago while I was at work.
I know she has some unstable emotions and hurts, but she abused me and was always yelling at me for very petty issues like not putting the forks in the correct slot in the drawer. Whenever I tried to bring up issues she had, she would get very defensive and start yelling at the top of her lungs. This got us evicted from two rentals over the years. .very unstable.

Of course there is a up side to her when she is feeling secure. She can be such a sweetheart and very understanding.

anyway, Im crushed and very disappointed.
at age 57, I don’t have much confidence in another relationship…I mean how many more long term relationships do I have left in me?

It seems it takes at least a decade to really know and trust a person. then it’s all subject to change and that growing together could mean growing apart.

the only thing Im sure of is…
life is strange, beautiful and sad.

Reply
Sam

Really feel for u jack, I just came out of 31 year relationship. We met when we were teenagers and were together for 16years then got married. It was the happiest day of my life a real fairytale wedding. We had been through a lot together good times and bad but things started to go down hill after we got married. My husband became very controlling and defensive if I had a difference of opinion on anything, We had a business together and he wanted to be in control of all the business finances and we had build a lovely big dream house together. I couldn’t have kids but we got a lovely dog. We had just had our 15th year wedding anniversary and he’d got me a huge bouquet of red roses and a week later we had planned to go on holiday to a beach house with the dog. Very romantic u would think. He started to become withdrawn and I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just under a lot of pressure at work and was just looking forward to our holiday together. I thought things were going well. Then one night I came home and he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that he was leaving me. He cancelled the holiday and within 2 weeks had got himself an expensive apartment and moved out.
I felt numb with shock when he told me and devistated. I Felt like my whole world had fell apart. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said no but to this day I still don’t believe him. We’ve been Brocken up for 10 months now and from a woman who was begging him not to leave I wouldn’t take him back even if he offered me the world. The trust has gone and when he left I felt deceived, betrayed, devastated and totally disrespected by his behaviour. He told me ‘ How could u be so blind sided’. I wasn’t he was just a good liar and I wouldn’t have him back if he begged me and offered me the world. I decided to take control of my life got house keys back from him, stopped him walking dog, and he not allowed near house only if invited. 6 weeks ago he lost his job. Now he’s without lovely wife, dog, home and job and only 2 months left on his tenancy agreement. He was laughing at me and taking the p***s but I’m having last laugh now. I’ve gone from being victimised and having suicidal thoughts to victorious and will keep moving onwards and upwards with my life. I’m a different person now a lot stronger and more independent. I lost myself in the relationship because I made him the Center of my world and I’m rebuilding a new life and new and better concept of self now without him. I have good supportive friends who have been amazing and seen me through some very tough times. As far as he is concerned he’s made his bed and he can lie in it although I don’t think it will be long before Mr big shot full of ego ends up on his mum’s sofa and good luck to him. I’ve not reacted in a bitter or revengeful manner and have just learned to stand up for myself and not take any of his sh**t on board. We’ve still got the divorce process to go through yet but will cross that bridge when it comes to it. I feel so relieved and empowered to be standing on my own two feet now so there is hope. I’ve just turned 48 and I’ve not given up on love and believe that the right person comes along at the right time if it’s meant to be. I no longer feel suicidal and believe my life has meaning and purpose today even if it’s to carry a message of hope that life is to be enjoyed not endured and it’s worth living. I write this with the intention that maybe it will help anyone who is going through a breakup that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how hard and painful a process it might be for u right now. Never give up on life as I nearly did there is always hope.

Reply
Veronica

My partner of 3 years broke up with me after 1 year moving across the country together. I guess moving was part trying to save our problems, but I became very bitter, nit-picky, and pushed him away. I have BPD ane he thinks it’s now from narcassism. The job situatiom was bad and I have no friends, everything is leading me to move back after going through all of the savings, but I can’t take it my dad’s in prison for life and it hurts all over again. I’m 24 and just want committment, someone to marry me and tell me i’m important. I feel very hurt that he would lead me on to thinking we could fine stability, I struggled to maintain my life in cali years ago while going to college. I did become bitter from bad job times here, but can’t help feel my anger is remotly valid. I am having a hard time cutting ties. I have a huge fear of flying and hate the drive home. He has a job and a band. I am goint back home to finish school from home because I thought we would both b okay without degrees but we weren’t. I have to give up everything while he benefits from my deciding to move out here.

Reply
Amber Marie

We’ve been dating for about six months. The relationship has been pretty terbulant from the beginning with us having a fight about a month in. We took a 5 day trip together where there was no closeness. No sex and only on the way back home did he finally start opening up. He wants space and emphasis boundaries. I want something with a deeper connection and someone I can depend on. It hurts ending something and putting myself back out there when I don’t know if I’m right. But he’s turned off notifications on his phone from me. Because I’m overwhelming. He gets mad at me every time we hang out for something wrong I’ve done. It’s breaking me down. Hopefully I’m making the best decision for myself

Reply
Minal

Hi, Recently my boyfriend broke up with me before I was moving back to my house after finishing the college.We were together for last 2 years and also we have different religions (He is a Muslim and I am Hindu ). I asked him about the reason and he said that it would be hard for him to this relationship as a long distance one (Even though we still love each other ) and he would probably lie to me and eventually we’ll fight. He says that even if it works it would be so hard for us to get along because of the religion thing. So it’s better to get separated and move on to focus on our careers and our future. He is willing to be my friend but for me, this isn’t working, I just want him to be normal again. It’s painful, I just can’t stop thinking about him.

Reply
Marcell

There’s a girl who looked totally perfect for me, she really cared about me and made me feel very important, she was so nice and kind, after a while I started developing feelings for her, and we got really close we talked a lot every day (it was a long distance friendship) , then one weekend she was all busy, then I found it out that she was talking to another guy when she said she was busy, and that totally broke me, then a few days later I told her how I felt for her, and later it turned out that she was dating with that guy but she kept it all secret, then I broke me really much again, I felt so worthless and everything, but then they broke up and she said she loved me too, we got into a long distance relationship, we were talking all day long about how perfect our future will be together,  and I was as happy as I’ve never been before, it was the happiest period of my life, I felt like I was worth something and my future looked so safe, but a few months after she started acting weird and I questioned her, I made a new account and added her, then asked her (on the anonymous account)  if she had a boyfriend, she said no, and hearing that my whole world turned upside-down, I was crying hours, cutting myself, and I wanted to leave her because she denied me and she would’ve just cheated on me, but she started begging and said she didn’t want to lose me, so I gave her one more chance, now recently she had a time when she was acting all cold, told me that she didn’t care about me, she didn’t care that I was crying, she was avoiding me when I was upset because “she didn’t feel motivated to talk to me”, and the sentence that left the deepest wound in me was after I told her to think about our future and how happy we will be, she asked “what kind of fairy tale is that?” And on that point I was totally done, I said my goodbye to her, but she started begging me more than ever to not leave her, and said she’d change, I said one last chance, and then again, she was ignoring me and not even showing the slightest interest, so I gave her a week when we’re not talking and now even though she’s online she’s ignoring my messages on purpose and doesn’t look like she will ever reply me.

But still, I can’t forget her, it’s been over a year since the breakup but I’m still not feeling any sign of healing, I’m hurting so much and it’s getting really unbearable. It’s totally consuming me.

Reply
SS

It’s a war between what the mind knows and how the heart feels. It’s been 2 years since we broke up and I haven’t moved on a day. She cheated on me with her ex, still I got back hoping it won’t happen in the future. But I guess, “loyalty” means nothing in this world. She broke up with me a couple of months later and did not even bother to tell me why. She told me it was my mistake to trust her after she cheated on me. Now, she only talks to me when she needs any help, and then acts like she is doing a favor to me. She tells me how incredibly happy she is with her ex, and how I could never match up. I don’t know if she is hurting me intentionally or she is just that immature. Every time I make up my mind to get out of this, I’m dragged back into this black hole. Time heals everything, they say. In my case, it is just not helping.

Reply
stephen

i been with my ex for 5 years. 1st year was good because i was able to be myself. i would spend all my with her buy he what ever she wanted take her to dates all the time. theirs time when she and her sister always tell me im to nice i need to say no sometimes and put my foot down. im a nice person i didnt mind doing things that i feel is right thats how we got together because i was myself. she wanted a xbox which i know she dosent play video games so i told her no she kept bagging me so i brought it 3weeks later she told me she sold it because i said it was okay which i never did. so i brought her a necklace 2 or 3weeks later she lost it in a hotel room. we were looking for it but couldn’t find it. so that same year are 1st year she wanted to get are own place together i feel like i was being rushed because she wanted a baby in 1 or 2 years and thats a been step. so i didn’t move in with her. so basically are relationship started to go down. always arguments break ups going back to each other. theres time he would say i can never take you serious. most of the time she doesn’t respect me at all. so basically i started to ask like the was she act towards me she doesn’t like it i said thats ho i feel when you talk to me like that but it never change. i put alot of effort into re relationship but she will always blame me for breaking up. i respect her as a women but she doesn’t respect me as a men. we argue she will tell me im weak for a men i cant handle her. she 24 now im 27. since day one i always gave her my respect. now we will disrespect each other which i dont like. i did everything i can so she can take me serious but it didnt work. she feels like she have to say something so we can argue more. the whole 5 years we broke up like 6 times.. when im hungry she cant afford to by me food or cook because she will always say if we had or own place i would show you the real me. i felt like it was lies. we took space so are relationship could be better month pass by still space but we will hang out all the time. so sh texting with a smile on her face i said who are you texting a friend i said is it a girl or guy she said dont worry about it. 3days latter she told me it was a guy. she love to be on her phone 24/7 everytime we around parties ect. so thats when i started to think she hiding something but when i feel like something bother me she expect me not to tell he because we always get into a arugments. so she went to a club got back home drunk her tits half way out i was pissed. so next day i went she had this short dress that will show her panties everytime she dance i didnt like that. so next day i told her how i felt about her wearing it she said stop it i don’t want to argue. i said know we are not about to argue im letting u know it bother me and i dont want you to wear it anymore. so she said im a girlfriend not a wife. so i can okay if you dont respect me and dont wear that dress anymore we cant be together. she said well guess not then.. so we broke up for good. she said she cries more being with me then being alone because we always breaking up. if she respect me as a men and take me serious we would of never been in this situation.

Reply
JonnyK

For every negative thought of my ex, I think of 2 positive qualities and forgive her then myself. It’s been 5 months, from a 6 year relationship, and I cannot describe what is happening, but it feels amazing!
“To love is to understand their suffering.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Reply
Tess

How does thinking about the positive qualities of your ex help you to move on ?
Doesn’t that make you miss them more?

Reply
Sky

I just find out my Bf was cheating on me with his ex, so I broke up with him, we just dated for 9 amazing months Gosh nothing!!!! he was always demanding my attention, texting me all the time, calling me every second, off days together doing everything, dinner, movies, biking, studying he made me dependent on him but, our relationship was a lie, how can somebody says I LOVE you but they relly don’t, How can they make you fell loved? been fake… why this is so painful, I don’t know what to do alone, I depressed, I’m so sad because I didn’t listen to my friends or my mom, he apologize for lying to me and hurting me its been a week and I can’t stop looking at his social media to see if he is with her I can’t stop crying. He’s just fine after everything telling me that we need to learn and move on … So damn true, he’s right I wish I can be just like him.

Reply
Ponting

Hi all,I came here in January after a breakup, as she was seeing her ex as well and broke up with me that time, I didn’t take Karen advice that time, I got back with her after three weeks, guess what, she again broke up with me and started seeing and spending all time with her ex , this time I am firm , no going back to her even if she comes back, I am in no contact since 2 weeks and things are improving, try to engage in work as much as you can , hangout with friends and family, we are missing love, so it’s great to spend time with people who love us and move on… life is too short to be stuck for one person and if things didn’t work once they will not work again unless you really give a good break and both of them change the things … enjoy the life that’s what we are here for and learn from experiences

Reply
Reenu

Me and my bf was very happy in past days and both want to marry but his parents don’t want me as his wife and he also with his parents decision. M feeling so lonely and not understand what should I do now I love him madly can’t handle this situation plz anybody help me what should I do

Reply
roya

breaking up with someone you love is always a tough experience. my boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago and i can’t let it go yet. I’ve never tried journalling before. it may help me this time.

Reply
Kats

I had been in a 5 year long relationship. It was one sided… i was blind… for 5 years he kept hanging with me… every 6 months he would give me a date, to meeting his parents. and then he made sure it never materialize, blaming me for all the wrongs , making excuses and then eventually making up with me. You might ask why i didn’t breakaway at the first instance… because between us it was more than just mental and emotional attachment.
He then flew to Malaysia for a new opportunity and never met me nor bid me good bye. He just disappeared. How can guys fake love or being in a relationship??

Reply
Grech

We were together for 2 years. My first relationship after a twenty year marriage, hers after 6 to a narc.
We both carried baggage into our relationship, and developed a great bond and special connection. We loved each other more than we loved before. My girl had a troubled past with trauma and I was supportive of this and the symptoms throughout. This was no easy feat.
I have discovered a traumatic past after we broke up, that affected my emotional regulation
We argued like normal couples, were mostly emotionally sound with each other and were working on improving our skills in this area. We were compatible in so many ways. February 2017, I blew at my beloved, and emotionally abused her. Hurt her terribly. We separated 10 days, briefly reconnected for 2 days then for 7 weeks, as I had to go overseas for work. During this time we talked amicably by text and phone, though she was suffering depression from the event. It hurt me being unable to be physically present for her, and she would say she couldn’t be with me. On the eighth week, my beloved said that we will not reconcile, and has reduced texting to a minimum. She told me to let her be and move on. We texted this morning, and she told me she was going on a date, and that she was moving on. She also said the good times with me were incredibly good, but she can’t go back. Talking with me, and thinking about me gives her anxiety, but she wants the best for me.
I am distraught; heartbroken. I am taking psychological treatment for my trauma condition and attending the gym, but can not let go easily. She was the love of my life; my soul mate.

Reply
ARRON

My partner and I have had really good times together, 6 weeks ago we had a fight which resulted in me slapping her. I showed remorse and we tried to work through day to day life but not really talking about things. I suggested counselling for myself but then thought I don’t need it like an idiot. My dad took his own life three years ago, mother died 20 years ago and the anniversary cones within a couple of months of each other. I do struggle over this time but try not to be a burden. my children live in another country my sister and brother in law left this time last year travelling so have no one to talk to have to face. I know I’ve been a fool but I can home from work yesterday and my partner had moved all her things out and left without a word. She gave me a kiss goodbye, smiled and that was that. I tried to call and text trying not to be over baring but not a word. I find where she was today but wouldn’t speak to me. I am close to her children and they say they don’t really get anything out of her. She is 52 and I’m 49 and had said before she feels like she is too old for the drama I cause. I have left her feeling insecure and unable to live with me. I have an icy tongue and so not split words.
I can see my faults but struggle to change and know this as its happened in the past. I do love her with all my heart and want to change. I guess I just felt things would be okay. She gave up her house to live with me in mine but I never made her feel like it’s hers. What I would do to change that now when the horse is bolted. I feel so ashamed, lonely and know it will only get worse in the weeks to come. What I would give just to hold and and tell I will change, I need to grow up and open my heart and soul to her completely again as we were amazing for most of our 6 years together.

Reply
Rommel

Why is it so hard to move on rom someone you loved the most. I just broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago, after finding out that she is cheating on me. We’ve been together for almost a year and yet I promised her and myself that she will be last woman im going to love. I am tired of falling in love and fail and start all over again. I did all the best thing that I can to prove her and her family that I truly love her. She got a rheumatic heart disease and i did my part for her wellness. I share with her family for her medication to prove them my utmost sincerity and love to her eventhough I know that they are well off and have the full capability for her medications. I did what I supposed to do. I am working overseas. When she get well things suddenly change. When we were starting she even fought for me, for us… because her mom is against me as i am not like them. I have to work hard for a living and I did. But unlike them, they have their own company. At first, she always tell me that she can’t live without me. I am her world and so she is to me. Each and everyday we talk… we chat… kike there is no tomorrow. Until she got hook up with music application in her mobile and things went differently… she changed a lot and then i found out that she is cheating on me… but why is it that I love her still and i can’t move on from her… i want to get mad at her, to get angry with her, to curse her… but i can’t… instead… my love and emotion for her superceed all of the hatred and anger… why is it? Why???

Reply
Mila

After being 3 year single i thought i found a guy which is truly can give me happiness.
1.5 year we hv been together, it was all beautiful, caring, simply say was everything perfect till i found this guy is married who had family with 2 kids. He had been lied to all this time and came to my life , to my family and friends.
His explanation was for this , because he didnt wanted loose and time comes he planned to tell me.
I am broken into pieces and after that i found his another lie on social media which is his wife she is pregnant for the 3rd child.
We hv been planning to get settle down and prepared our documents for marrige after he meet my family.
Now i feel like i was his hidden mistress this whole time and i am so heartbroken for whole this situation.
He still came to me after that and asking to talk if he can get a chance to make up everything.
This whole situation make me blurred and killed without knife.

Reply
Alexandra

My boyfriend and I have been wanting to end things for a while but we always seemed to hold on to each other and one of us always kept running back. He said we needed a break yesterday, because I was acting distant ( I was unsure I wanted to be in the relationship and felt I deserved better) and later on told me we’re done. For some reason tho I’m so upset and can’t imagine my life with out him now, so I messaged him that night and he just started his career and is booking a vacation and is telling me not to worry I’ll be fine and find someone I deserve. The only thing is I can’t be alone, and it’s not the same hanging around my best friends (who I ran to for support) I feel like he was my best friend and I’ll never have that connection with anyone else and I’m so sickened by it I feel like I’ll never get over it. I’m a very beautiful, smart young girl but I just feel like I lost my best friend and my soul mate even tho I know I deserve better. I’m conflicted, please please help me.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Alexandra, you will move through this but you have to give yourself the opportunity. The pain of a breakup always ends eventually. It can feel awful until it does, but there is the strength and courage in you to deal with this. Trust yourself – you have everything inside you that you need to move through this. It’s understandable that you want to keep going back to what feels familiar, but you know how that ends up. It ends with you both staying stuck and being in something that doesn’t feel right. Just get through today. Don’t think too far ahead or it will overwhelm you and keep you coming back to the familiar for comfort. You will get through this, but first it’s up to you to decide that it’s the right thing for you to do.

Reply
Rae

Just got out of a three year relationship. My boyfriend ended it and said that it was because of my attitude and how he does not like my personality anymore. This was said after I was explaining my feelings to him of why I was upset over a not breakup worthy issue. He said my emotions were making his life miserable and blamed me for his unhappiness. I offered suggestions such as going to see a therapist together, and trying a different form of communication between us. He never communicated with me until the breakup about his feelings. He said it was too late to fix things when I wasn’t even aware of the problem. It has been one day and have just decided to work on me and improve myself. The best satisfaction is becoming stronger and more well-rounded than before. I am hoping he will come around. I do not think he truly meant to end things. I am hoping he will be back, and is just stressed about having a new job and the workload that comes with it. I wish everyone else well. Stay strong.

Reply
AmyLee

Hello. I know it’s been such a long time and I wonder whether you will see this reply anyway, however, I am willing to give it a shot. I seem to be in a very similar situation, and one sentence that stuck out to me was ‘He said it was too late to fix things when I wasn’t even aware of the problem.’. Not to mention the other similarities – we’ve been together for 3 years, I suggested talking to a professional and said I would work on dealing with my emotions because my now ex also said that ‘me being too emotional is making him tired’. For me, that is not a break up-worthy issue, since I see it as something that is definitely fixable, and I would have fixed it if he told me about the problem before actually deciding to break up. For 3 years we’ve had only 1 big fight prior to this, so I felt it was a really good relationship, and one that could end in a very happy marriage, with work, that’s necessary for any relationship.
Anyway, I was wondering if you ever see this if you would be so kind as to share your experience with me. Thank you.

Reply
sara

I have been talking to a very charming, kind-hearted and loving man for the past 4 years. He has been my bestfriend and has been the best advisor and supporter, I have never witnessed someone so beautiful inside and out all my life. No one treated me so right from the start and I honestly, cannot find a single flaw about him – and I understand no one is perfect – but he is my perfect. I accept anything and feel immense trust and care between us, we talk about absolutely anything, have so much in common. He’s my best friend, and my dream man at the same time.

I never believed in “feelings” and the idea of relationships. I always got rejected whenever I opened up to any guy I liked. Throughout the years, I fell for the wrong guys and was treated like a second-option, or not one at all. I decided to move on and focus on myself until he came along.

He’s very serious when it comes to relationships, as he never had one. He always told me he’s waiting for the right girl and will not date like that unnecessarily. One day I somehow convinced him to open up to me. After 4 years, talking for hours along with sleepless nights, he told me he loved me since he had his eyes on me. We went to the same school, saw each other everyday, had classes together and apparently – everyone saw it and I couldn’t believe that he will like me one day, let alone love me. But the thing is, we started to be together properly when we both graduated from highschool – where he made his plans to move to America, whereas my plans failed to the UK and currently stuck in a gap-year in Dubai.

I can go on and explain how lucky I’ve been but that might take a lot of time. That’s what I’m stressing about. After 3 months of being together, 7 months of long distance relationship – I am falling apart more and more. I didn’t want to be in a LDR because of how much pain one can through. I distracted myself and worked, because staying home gave me so much time to overthink and miss him, and ache for his presence next to me. We skyped almost everyday and talked whenever one of us had the chance. Our timings our opposite (AM vs. PM) but somehow worked. I broke down in October telling him I wont be able to continue cause it’s hard to be behind the screen and we have no plans for the future, as he’s planning to stay in US for the next 5 years and 4 years for me once I move to UK in few months. He convinced me with his positive thoughts, told me he will try harder and I did too. Infact, when he came back in December, since that day I told him I wont be able to continue – he asked for my thoughts every single day, made me wonder what he’s planning to do until he came back in winter break – where he wrote, and shared both of our thoughts within the two months apart – his point that he’s with me. I had an amazing time but when he had to go back it was my hardest time. I would wake up crying, and anywhere I went reminded me of him cause we did a lot together. He got a ticket to come back for me for spring break, and we have been both looking forward to it. But that aftermath of breaking apart and feeling so alone, hard to cope with almost anything around me – I told him we need to talk when we’re back. I could tell he has been so scared to, and it breaks me apart whenever I see him hurting. He came back 4 days ago. We went out every day, took me out for dinner, movies, talked, but I would get lost in my thoughts from now and then because we had to talk at some point. He would ask me what’s wrong and I would respond nothing, because I didn’t want to talk about it – but I’m not good with hiding how I feel and he knows me so well. I know him well too. I knew he knew what I was thinking but he was scared to open up as well about it. I would push to go home earlier because of my new curfew – 10pm at the age of 20…and we both respected my parents decision on that, even though I would crave more time with him, and he would too. He would stay home right after he would drop me. Last night he told me he feels alone, that he knows something is wrong and he feels bad that he’s the only one feeling so good and happy to see me. I felt the same, but being happy and scared didn’t help. He opened up about how much its hurting and how hard it is to notice that Im hurting. That was through text so we agreed to talk in person.

This morning, I went over to his place. When we spoke all he could say is that he wants me to be happy and he would do anything to make that happen. He was crying while saying that and I could tell he was trying to hold it back. He kept repeating he would’ve joined me to the UK if he knew we would start. He kept mentioning how nothing is more important than me and that he hates it there. He told me he would rather have a fight than to calmly stop everything, to have a proper reason. We never fought or argued, everything was perfect between him and I. He valued me, respected and always understood me. He would spoil me with love and many other things, and tried to remind me how much he feels for me as much as he could. I would fall more and more, but that made me so scared on how it could be harder if we’re in it longer. We both made a promise that we’ll try to stay in each others lives and remain best friends, somehow. How do you move on from someone who made you believe in love? I never thought I would say that, but he did. All I could think about was how lucky I am and he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I trust him so much that I know we’re mutual on that thought.

I don’t know if I did the right thing to stop it. It’s been a few hours and I can’t breathe. He knows how I’m thinking and what’s on my mind. I can feel and notice his mental breakdowns already. We’ve said I love you more than ever in just few hours and talk about how we’re feeling to work on this together, but I am still unsure. I feel like I did a mistake but, at the same time i don’t want to have doubts while he’s growing so much more in this. I thought it’s not meant to be if we’re so far apart, and I don’t know if i should go with “if its meant to be, it will be” – or “if you want it, go get it”.Leads me to question whether I should have faith, or be logical.

I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do.

Reply
mosquito

You’re incredible & one of a kind, I was and am still so lucky.
I really hope life brings us on the same path again one day

Happy New Year SG x

Reply
mostafa

You’re incredible & one of a kind, I was and still am so lucky.
I hope life brings us back on the same path one day

Happy New Year SG x

Reply
nicky

hi I just broke up with my bf last week, but it feels like yesterday day.I’m trying to read books to be with people who loves me but its not working I don’t knw what else to do.I HV tried everything I can to forget about him I can’t. pls help.I break up with him because he called me the other nite while he was making love o another lady I head everything. I don’t knw if he did it intentionally or by mistake. so I don’t knw if I did the rite thing by breaking up wth him?

Reply
Mhel

I believe you did the right thing… as for me… i am trying to get over my exgf. She cheated on me… but still, instead of hatred and anger… love always prevail and i find it hard for me to move forward 🙁

Reply
Mandy

My ex and I broke up six months ago, I still find it hard to move on, I think about him all the time and it’s driving me crazy.
I’m doing all the right stuff, spending time with the people that care and love me, I excersise I even plan holidays with friends but I still can’t shift forward!
My break up came as a total surprise to me one Friday eve in August, we were meant to start ivf that day, second round of injections, we’d tried our first time in june(he had a blip then after injecting me for the very first time)turned round and said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
The following day he apologised and said he just got scared because it was now all so real, after a long chat he assured me it was what he really wanted.
That month was not successful so we were to try again, it was a very stressful time, juggling work and renovating a house.
I’d turned 42 last summer, he was 30, I think that I panicked with being older and time was ticking away, which I put added pressure on our relationship, we were so happy together before the ivf started, it was what we both wanted, but he said that he couldn’t see me hurting no more, month after month of being disappointed.
Eight weeks later he’s in another relationship, it’s like someone stuck a knife in me and kept on twisting it, he still very much with this girl, it’s like I meant nothing, and he’s gone from wanting children to having no care in the world for how I feel, at my age now I think that that was my one and only chance. Totally heart broken.

Reply
Cece

I know how you feel, my boyfriend broke up with me twice the first time I didn’t know he was going to break up with me. The day he came to my house I was waiting so I can tell him I was pregnant, he always want kids. When he say he need to talk to me I told him I need to talk to him too I told go First so he started talking about how feeling change he feel like his making a big mistake by breaking up with me but that’s how his feelings right now… I was so heart broken I couldn’t even tell him I was pregnant. I told him to go leave me alone after I was starting to heal 2month’s I was so stressed out I lost the baby. He text me cause he never heard from for 2months told. Him I was pregnant lost the baby he was mad. So upset I didn’t tell him he start crying saying sorry. Couple months later we start seeing each other again he ask for to move in getting married, talking having a baby…. 2month later my good friend his sister in-laws pass in car crash.I’m very close to his family I went to the sister house for 3day to support cause the in-laws and me was very close . I was with his family but I never saw him. He never called to check on me when I was over the family house.after the funeral he still didn’t call . I leave 1 hours away he didn’t if I made it safe or not his family call me every day to check on me. I had wrote him on facebook 1months Later to give him a piece of my mind I did nothing but love you and have your back lost a baby . And that’s how you do me I told him I’m the wrong person to do that to I take care of this men like we was married this men cry asking me to have a baby.I was scared cause had a miscarriage cause of stress. It hard so bad I just want to for get about him. His enjoy his life. I just want my life back. To put all the love into myself.

Reply
Ddays

My Long Distance Relationship came to visit me which was planned for 3 months. He later told me on the first day in the car that he has to cut his trip to 1 month as his Dad is ill and wanted to be closer to him. In the month I tried my best to spend as much time as possible with him. The plan for his birthday I had to cancel the trip and waste the money as he did not told me earlier. I realise things has change where he was on his phone and kept his phone close. I ask and he said there was nothing and he would not even show me his phone as he said it is private and he respects my phone & I should do the same. Well my red flags were up and roaring and I saw things which I was not suppose to. He denied there is anything (which I did not tell him I saw the messages). Before the day he is flying off that is Valentines day he said can I ask a favour, can you please not send me to the departure gate as I dont want to drag the sadness. I was sad and shocked. I agreed and I drop him off at the airport. Before that I did ask him to share with me his flight itinerary and he said he will. Till today I did not get it. I found out the was in a major city to catch his flight and he message he in on his way to the airport. I message him he did not reply. I called him he did not reply. I tried to call again he shut off his phone. I found where he was and called the hotel. I said Hi and said I though you were on your way home. Please be honest with me and tell me. He said he decided to stay a couple of nights as he did not get enough sleep and was tired (as i was coughing and he did not get enough sleep). I said I was worried and he said he is a big boy and I should not worried. I said good night and hung up the phone. The next day he did not message nor call me. It felt so painful……so so painful that I cant breath what he did to me. I dont know how to let go as now he is in India for over a week instead of him spending the time with me. How Do I Let Go How!!! It is so haunting.

Reply
nathasha

in my relationship he was unbroken up with me and he avoid me.he stopped all calls and massages from me by threatening me that he will find new one if i call him or text him hereinafter. before that i constantly call him and text him and beg him to comeback.but its made him more anger and rejected me so tiddly. now i have no any connection with him and i.m afraid to see him with another one. but i know that, the reason of this breakup is not us but our families. will he come back?

Reply
Rares

Hi,my ex broke up with me one month ago,because she told me that she is feeling sad and bored;firstly we thought that a break for two weeks would be ok,but we kept talking to each other;she doesn’t care about me anymore,but i still love her. Last night we had sort of an argue but i don’t know. I tried everything to bring her back,but I failed,she doesn’t even reply my text messages… how should i proceed?

Reply
Rae

Focus on improving yourself and start doing things that you may have not been able to do before! Try and find a new hobby or interest to be passionate about and that will help you heal in time. By healing yourself and finding something to motivate you everyday, you will have a new, refreshing energy to you.

Reply
Fallon

I was in a long distance relationship with a guy that I met online for about 3 years. Despite being early 20s adults he was a mommas boy and wanted to do nothing but stay at home and play video games. I work for a living and I go out and do things even if at heart I am a loner. I always get in bad relationships so I tend to avoid ones in-person and prefer to develop a long-distance trust. After our 2 year mark and every few months thereafter I would ask him to come live with me/be my roommate and I would help him get his life together. I am very blessed and had the means to do so. But he kept lying and putting it off continuously–and I stupidly believed– until he flat out told me that he had no intentions of doing so he was “scared” and felt better mooching off his mother. Though when he got worked up in the past.. he would talk about visiting me for sex or other temporary fancies. So it was okay for sexual things, but not to meet me and be with me and better himself? We both have a lot of depression and self-worth issues..I guess me in particular am hard to deal with sometimes but I am trying to heal and was doing alright before this. He broke up with me on the 31rst of January and I have never felt so hurt in my entire life. As I said before, I’m a loner/isolated so I do not have anybody else. In most of our chats people knew we were together, so I abandoned them as to not be awkward. I’m so embarrassed and angry at myself. So now I do not know how to pick myself up and do what I need to do. I’ve been neglecting my mental health sessions and just having breakdowns and endless burnouts. How much longer did he expect me to wait? He needed to grow up.. and I was not willing to be ok as his long-distance babysitter for the rest of my life..but I want him back and its killing me inside. I loved him enough to trust him to come into my life, and for us to do it together. I was not worth trying for a better life or anything.

Reply
T

I went through a similar thing (2 year ordeal) of him saying he’d come up to Canada and to “just be patient” in the end he would admit that he had no intentions of coming up during brutal fights. I would say okay, that’s fine we can chat here and there but I need to move on. Every time, a couple day later, he would profess his love and I’d take him back. I’m not doing that anymore, I suggest you just keep your eyes forward.

Be kind and respectful but DO NOT GO BACK. You can shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. And best of luck!

Reply
Fallon

T, thank you very much for validating my feelings with your own experience. I can only imagine how heart-breaking that must of been for you and I understand completely. It feels really manipulative and terrible for someone to be able to hurt another person like that and then beg for forgiveness and expect everything return to how it was before.

So far, besides him begging for me to rekindle friendship, he has not tried to initiate anything romantic. Which in an awkward way I am thankful for, because I do not think I would be able to keep forward without bad emotional feelings or just flat out being abusive towards him..I don’t want to be like that. If we did talk again, which I am avoiding entirely– I would push myself into a cycle of eventual forgiveness and waiting on someone who has very little value in what I do and how much I try to contribute. I blamed myself a lot and thought that I pushed too hard for change in him.

I would like to email you as well sometimes, but I am not very sure how to through this system. Either way I just want you to know that I will try to stick hard to my guns of not going back to that guy. He would have to do some sort of magic act turnaround for me to seriously consider it at this point.

Reply
John

I understand how you feel Fallon. My girlfriend didn’t break up with me, I had to break up with her. She lived two hours away from me and it was not easy. I knew she had gotten hurt badly before and I did nothing but love her. We dated for almost a year, but I feel like I could fill an entire book with things about us. The first few months were great, but after a while the phone calls stopped, intimacy when we were together ceased to exist, she’d never tell me or ask me about my day. I thought it was just work that had her exhausted and stressed out, but I was wrong. On our last date, she told me to explore sexuality with other girls and I said no. I also said I couldn’t be okay with her doing that with other men, and she asked me why. I felt my entire spirit, heart, and mind shatter. She said that she was joking, but not much after that I figured it out and discovered that she had been cheating on me for a while. All the late work nights, the lack of interest towards me, the days where she didn’t say a word to me, etc. I justified all these things for a while, and I was too blind to see it. She denied everything I had figured out about her and tried to make me feel guilty to avoid being honest with me. I broke up with her because she shattered me, and I know that she will go back to her friends with benefits, friends she claimed were only friends. I thought she was the one, the one I’d be with forever, and all of this hit me all at once. She will recover before I will, because I don’t go out and hook up to heal, I always sort of just…Shut down. All the love and trust I had in her, and this is what I got for it. I had had a terrible feeling in my gut about this for a while and I ignored it. I had my family and my best friends warning me and telling me to move on, but I didn’t listen. Now im left alone, thinking how and why did I let this happen to me. It is because I loved the girl more than she loved me. Ever since we broke up, I feel like I’m dying on the inside a little bit more each day that passes. I have never had something like this happen to me, and it hit me hard. She wasn’t planning on breaking up with me because she thought she’d have the boyfriend to give her things, and the friend on the side to satisfy her physical needs. I didn’t think I’d end up with a person like that, but that’s why they say there’s a first time for a lot of things. Stay positive guys, things will get better.

Reply
Marcos

I read this and I am currently going through the exact same situation you’re going through, the only different thing is that she cheated the first time we were together. We were together a next time but even stronger than before. We argued the 2nd time together and she was hurt by it all, so she broke up with me.. She didn’t use me for things, she stayed with me because i gave her emotional comfort, and i loved her more than she loved me. She moves on and hooks up to heal, and me right now I am suffering/healing.. Sorry for grammar, typed this on my phone with no auto correct.

Reply
Shane

Wer on the same emotions right now. All the pain and suffering when ur love one easily replaced u. I wish i can fin my man soon.

Reply
Cony

My boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years just before my birthday. In the past year, he has been distant, more focused on his job and not on the relationship. I have been feeling quite alone and unloved because he just didn’t make time for me anymore. Not even willing to travel together somewhere. We were fighting all the time because of the lack of presence in this relationship, lack of intimacy and simply being able to relax when with me. All he could think about was his job, his travels for work, his accomplishments. It was always about him, every night. When I was trying to say something about me, we would get into a fight. I cannot stand it anymore, all this pain accumulated is just too much. Why does it hurt so much? I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces.What can I do to accept and move on?

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

It’s so understandable that your heart would be feeling so broken. You’re adjusting to a new normal, and that can take time. Here is an article that will explain the reason we hurt so much when relationships break. I hope it helps to give you some clarity and also that it helps you to realise how normal you are feeling so hurt. I know it feels as though the pain won’t end, but it will. Hang in there, be kind to yourself and try to spend as much time as you can with the people who love you.

Reply
SIDDHARTH

hi….have u came over d pain of breakup?
Im just feeling d same n dnt knw wt to do..:-(

Reply
helen lee

My boyfriend and just broken up after living together for 6 years.
We got into an argument because he call his male choir member to let him know that he wont be at choir practice. He usually leave work to go straight there. He got home at 8:50Pm and told me he worked over. He gets off his job at 5:00. We agreed because I told him he should have call too. The next day he went to so did I. When I returned home he had pack all his stuff and left. I’m so hurt.

Reply
randy

me too..my girlfriend broke up with me and after a few days she already have a new bf.. ???it broke my heart and hated her so.much!???

Reply
Shelly

I’m going through the same thing my boyfriend of 4 months left me and I did a lot for him I even helped him get out of debt it hurts so bad I told him when we first started dating that I have abandonment issues he told me he would never leave me but here we are 4 months later he broke up with me 2 days ago and I’m not stupid I no there is someone els because I asked him if there is someone els just tell me straight up I’ll understand he replied no you won’t and soon after that I was blocked on FB I feel so hurt can’t sleep eat I can’t get him out of my head if you ever care to talk my snap is txtgirl22 and my email is

Reply
Sun

I have exactly same story …,we were together for 8 years and even being in a relationship I start feeling left up….and relation was getting quite abusive verbally,emotionally & physically….but still I thought we are going to be ok for years & years “Finally just now I gave up after getting abused verbally….He was not happy I’m standing for myself and my dignity.It is hard very hard “last night cried all night since Morning remembering all happy & sad moments “Now I’m relaxed.., All of sudden I feel peace within myself…..there are people who really cared like mom dad ,sister ,brother,son daughter and good friends so why not do all the love for them??why not enjoy ,laugh with them?they worth it cause you may not find them when you are happy but they will be there before you realised”when you actually need them.
Let’s start to live for ourself and life is short we never know ….so you have 2 option’to be happy or sad …and choice is urs.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

If we want our kids and teens to take our guidance into brave behaviour, they have to know that we see what they’re worried about - that we truly get it - and that we still know they can do this and that they’ll cope with whatever happens, because they will.

The brain and body respond the same to physical threats (being chased by a bear) as it does to psychological threats (hard things, new things, brave things). So just because the brain has registered a threat, doesn’t mean it is a threat.

Kids need to know that anxiety has nothing to do with strength, courage, character, and it is absolutely not a sign that they can’t cope. It’s a sign that they are about to something brave, important and meaningful – and that can be hard sometimes. Ask, ‘Is this a time to be safe (sometimes it will be), or is this a time to be brave?’♥️
The key to moving kids trough anxiety is helping them know when to retreat into safety, and when to move forward into brave.♥️
When their world feels wobbly, children will look to their closest adults for signs of safety. Our nonverbals will speak the loudest. We’ve been communicating in nonverbals long before words. With every expression, movement, with our posture, our voice, our tone, we’re communicating to them whether we believe they are brave enough and safe enough. 

Our capacity to self regulate is key. If you can breathe and lower your own anxiety, they will pick this up. Our nervous systems are talking to each other every minute of every day.  So often, the move towards brave doesn’t start with them. It starts with us. 

If you can hold a calm steady presence it will make it easier for their bodies and brains to pick up on that calm. If they’ve been feeling anxious retreating from something for a while, it will take a while them to trust that they can cope, and that’s okay. The move towards brave doesn’t have to happen quickly. It’s the direction that matters. 

Breathe, validate, and invite them into brave: ‘I know this feels big. What can you do that would feel brave right now?’ And you don’t need to do more than that.♥️

#parenting #anxietyinkids #mindfulparenting #parents #raisingkids #heywarrior
Few things will stoke anxiety more in an anxious child than unpredictability. One of the ways they might relieve their anxiety is through control. (We can all fall into controlling behaviour when we’re anxious.) This isn’t done to be insensitive or ‘bossy’, even though it might come out that way. It’s done because of their great and very understandable need for predictability and safety.

Anxious kids don’t need to control everything in order to feel safe but they do need someone to take the lead and you’re perfect for the job. They need to understand that they can trust you to keep them safe. To show them, be predictable and clear with boundaries and have confidence in protecting those boundaries. Predictibility will increase their sense of safety and will help to minimise the likelihood of an anxious response.

Without limits kids have nothing to guide their behaviour. The options become vast and overwhelming. They need to feel like you’ve got them, that you’ve set a safety zone and that within that, they’re fine. Of course they’ll push up against the edges and sometimes they’ll move well outside them – that’s all part of growing up and stretching their wings but even then, the boundaries will offer some sort of necessary guidance. In time, children without limits wil become controlling and demanding – and that just doesn’t end well for anyone.

When they are pushing against your boundaries, let those boundaries be gentle, but firm. Invite their opinions and give space for them to disagree:
‘I want to understand [why this doesn’t feel right for you] [what you need] [how this can work for both of is].’

But let the final decision be yours with statements of validation:
‘I know this is annoying for you.’

Plus confidence:
‘This is what’s happening and I know [you can do this] [this is how it has to be].♥️
Even the spiciest behaviour will have a valid need behind it. If we can respond to the need behind the behaviour, the behaviour will ease. When this happens, they will be more open to our guidance and influence: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re a great kid, and I know you know that wasn’t okay. How can you put things right?’

Of course, it’s not always easy to know what the need it. They won’t always know what the need is. (Neither do we when we’re losing our (thinking) minds.)

If you aren’t sure what the need is, try to approach this with a curious mind. Watch, wonder, and don’t forget to breathe. Of you think they’re open to it, ask, ‘Can you help me understand what’s happening for you? I really want to understand.’ Soft eyes, a curious mind, and breathe.♥️

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This