Recovering from a Breakup: Proven Ways to Heal (From Science)

Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker?  Science may have just found the way. 

New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup. 

An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.

[bctt tweet=”What if your healing from a breakup could be stronger and quicker? Science may have found the secret …”]

Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.

This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.

A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.

[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]


Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.

So, to get you back to strong, based on science …

  1. Talk. Go on. Go for it.

    There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.

  2. Find your story.

    Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …

    If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.

  3. An emotional release – journalling.

    Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing. 

  4. Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.

    Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.

    [irp posts=”150″ name=”Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart”]

  5. Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?

    Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them. 

  6. And expand them.

    Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.

A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.

Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.


Julia G

We broke up 5 months ago, yet my heart and head are still very much in pain and sadness. I mean sure, I have more moments of happiness now, but recently it’s been weighing heavily on my mind, and hurt more now than it did the months following the breakup. It wasn’t mutual. It was hard to swallow.

A brief glimpse into it – we met at my open mic, and he won me over (even though I was reluctant). It wasn’t kind of, on and off…

About 8 months into our relationship, my dad was in a horrible, life altering motorcycle accident. He was hospitalized for 7 months (a good portion we weren’t sure he make it out alive). Throughout that time, he was my rock; coming with me to the hospital almost everyday, holding me while I sobbed, listening, and offering beautiful distractions. Around spring (May 2018) he showed up to my house and said he wanted to end our relationship because he wasn’t happy and that he didn’t love me anymore. I was crushed. I felt lost.

All communication ceased, as per his wishes. He didn’t think it was a good idea to talk and that it would just make things harder. It felt like a death.

To this day, it’s as if he never exisisted, aside from the memories that are still very much running through my head.

How can I forgive this and find peace?? Thanks!


Ive broke up from my partner for 4 months and still struggling to move on. We were together for 6 and a half years but best friends before that for 9 years. I feel like I lost the love of my life and my best friend. In the past he cheated. We constantly argued and made each other miserable towards the end of the relationship. But surely distance makes the heart grow fonder? I have so many feelings towards him and I cut all ties with him recently to try and move on. But how can I move on when he is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

Mandy B

I totally understand how you are feeling…I read your msg and felt like you were putting into words exactly how i am feeling…i so wish you all the best…x


I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?


I had been best friends with my boyfriend for 2 years until he finally decided to commit. We moved in together and were official for a year and a half. Well things got difficult. He was smoking a lot of weed, in his phone a lot, we didn’t date and rarely had sex. Instead he would masturbate in the bathroom and it was crushing. The day before we split I came downstairs in lingerie and he laughed. I went upstairs humiliated for an hour and he didn’t even come up. The next day I said I need to take a couple days because I’m not sure this is the right relationship for me. Well…it got worse and I made a huge mistake. His friend called me about something different but heard in my voice something was wrong. I broke down and told him I’m not sure if this is working and I feel undesired. That it’s really painful and I don’t know what to do. He said he would cheer me up and we can go to lunch and I can cry all about it. So he picked me up and we had lunch at the beach. He was really nice, paid for everything, was funny and made me get out of my head. Well he kissed me…and I let it happen for a minute and then stopped and said, “no this isn’t what I want, I’m here because I’m upset about my bf.” He apologized and I told my bf that night what happened. He refused to see me and had all my stuff in a pile the next day. We lived together. I moved out and it’s been so painful…it’s been 3 weeks and he has been back and forth between being angry and saying I’m a cheater and then venting about how he can’t believed this happened and he loved me and why. I had a moment of weakness where someone made me feel special…I’ve been so loyal to him and this whole situation sucks..he even text my dad a few days ago saying he misses waking up to me in the morning and that he misses me so much. Yet he is cold and just like a friend the rare times we do talk. he just unfollowed me yesterday on Instagram and doesn’t look at my stories anymore. I’m
Supposed to shoot a music video with him next week because we sing together. It’s a love song and we have to look into each other’s eyes and perform it with green screen. I have no idea how I’m going to get through this…


I promised myself I will be more cautious after being hurt. Sure enough I went full hearted into a 5 month relationship that ended yesterday. I truly think I’ve done my best to make it work. But he says he’s not into it 100% and he doesn’t think we got what it takes to make it in the long run. That I am an amazing person who deserves someone who will love me back the way I need. I know he has feelings for me, but obviously it’s not enough. On the one hand I appreciate him trying to do the right thing and being honest. On the other hand it hurts like hell and I can’t stop it, no matter how many times I tell myself that someone better will come along. I know it’s early days, and it’s not like I haven’t been through this before, but it just hurts so much…


I just broke up with the love of my life together for 2years things had been bad for a while but I loved him he loved me but last night he was abusive I just can’t let my kid see someone out their hands on me so I left I’m so hurt and confused I don’t know what to say or do or how to heal from this.

Marie l

I met a man one and a half years ago. We got along laughed i am older 8 years. He told me he wanted to get to know me. We started dateing. I have 5 grown children they love me very mich but it has been hard to Except him but they saw how much i care for him. Well to make a long story short. One day we went back to his apartment where i would stay on and off with him. There was a note on the door. It was from a girl. He was upset and started saying he did not know who it was. He told me to call the number and find out for myself. I didnt. Next day i left him a letter not blaming him but about how hurt i was. He stopped texting and did not except my phone call. Just called once. Wow. Im hurting trying to in gulf myself with people i love and trust my family. I am hurting no closure. Please help with your wisdom.

john doe

I went through a breakup recently. It was sudden and abrupt. We were arranged to meet through our families, 9 months ago. 6 months ago we started talking to each other. We instantly hit it off. Things were new, smooth and happy. We were over the moon. We thought we found our soulmate. We used to talk daily for hours. Promises were made to support each other in every thick and thin. You know same old shit. Then 4 months back we were officially engaged, to be wed next year.
It amazes us that how it possible that there is so much love, care and understanding in an arranged match. This were too good to be true.
4 days ago, he ended the relationship, saying that our family’s mindsets did not match. There is no warmness on family level. Its just two of us in a relationship. His parents are not happy can he cannot go against them.
But what surprised me was that on Monday things were normal. Tuesday and everything shattered.
What I dont get is that there still exist societies, where it take 100 people to interfere in 2 people relationship.
Dude you have to live with me, whats the point of family’s interference. Also if you cannot take stand at this point, then i pity you. You can never take stand in any situation. I think its good for both of us then.
The pain and agony is there. Its natural. It invested my 6 months, emotions and future plans in this relationship. I gave my 100% in that relationship. So no regrets there. I am very positive that the pain will vanish soon. Something better must be waiting for me.


I just recently went through a break-up. I chose to be single for years after my divorce I finally fell in love with a beautiful young woman. We dated for 9 months when in the end she told me she lost the spark and I think she has a problem with the fact that I have a daughter from my ex marriage. Even though I kind of saw this coming I am f****** crushed. She swears it’s the best relationship she’s ever had but we’re just not right for each other and I respect that but it definitely doesn’t stop the pain.


While , I was travelling to my back home I received a message from love of my life that he is thinking he became dad , that is it . I thought my eyes can not see or my mind is crazy but it was true and he cheated on me. it was a hell i did not want to show to anybody and my travel to back home was horribel , when I came back he stop calling , Texting just disapear just he said one sentence 🙁 I dont get you, why you are sad We stopped before) This sentence is killing me even more , It meant I was nothing for him . since December my life is turning to hell I am feeling so lonely, heart broken , I lost my confidence . I am crying alot. I am trying to be ok , but when I remembering him with other Girl is killing me.


Last night my boyfriend of nine months broke it off with me. We are both older adults. He had a lot of crises through the holidays, health issues, stress about his job, money, etc….then we had some stressful natural disasters in our area along with a few friends dying.

Throughout the past few months my boyfriend had become distant. Stopped having any intimacy completely. Throughout this he has turned to his adult daughter instead of me for comfort and support. talking and texting her multiple times a day every day. When I say multiple, I mean sometimes many many texts, calls and sometimes visits. He has also involved himself in his grandchildren’s lives as though he is their father.

This has put a huge strain on the daughter’s relationship with the father of her children as she always turns to daddy instead of her partner. She hasn’t married her partner it seems because daddy disapproves. She and her dad often bond over what “stupid thing” her partner has done.

As a result, the partner is moving the daughter and their family 2000 miles away from dad. Dad, my now former boyfriend is distraught and completely devastated.

I had planned on breaking it off myself because I realized what was happening was that my boyfriend was having an emotional/covert incestuous relationship with his daughter …this did not involve anything at all sexual between them BTW, just putting her in the position of a wife or girlfriend… in the same way his alcoholic mother had done with him when he was growing up. So why does the breakup still hurt so much? I see that the end of this is the healthiest thing for me, none the less I am very stressed and didn’t sleep last night.


i just dont know where to start im in love with a person madly for an year he was my colleague i had crush on him in the first sight and we both got along well. he loved me with all his possibilities(at least i thought he did). he cooked for me took care of me like a mother . there was a small misunderstanding that made us apart he walked out of my room and my heart leaving me in pieces . we always fight over petty things n then get back together. so i was waiting for him from past 2 months thinking he will come back to me and still waiting. Couldn’t bare the pain he left in my heart seeing him daily infront me not able to hug him not able to touch him not able to talk to him . m really not sure what was the reason may be he got better person in his life or i just dont get it y he left me.If he really loved me y did he leave .Couldn’t sleep or eat. how much ever i try to deviate some or other way i end up with his thoughts. all those things v did together i feel so lonely and some unbearable weight on my heart


I just recently got dumped by the love of my life, he told me he was depressed throughout the relationship. I blamed myself for a few days afterwards but now that I have read this article, I feel better! I might have been with him for nearly a year but I did not waste anything, I did what I wanted but restricted what I said and always agreed with him on everything. Now I’m not restricted and I have no idea to do with the added time! I think I’ll take up some new sports and try to make my grades even higher!

" class="url" rel="ugc external nofollow">Arundhuti Banerjee

My Boyfriend whom I love most seems to behave that I am invisible to him. He has blocked me in all social networking sites including Facebook and whats app so that I can’t reach to him. Infact I can’t reach to him through phone call. It is so sad for me. I can’t make my day without him. I am actually very much dependent on him. How can I live now?? He seems to me so cold and distant in our relationship. I told him to keep our friendship intact but he doesn’t wish to bother it also. We were very good friends. He helped me in all my project works where I need his support. How can I recover now??? I can’t forget him. I am shedding tears for him but everything is going to vain. I don’t know what will I do?? Please suggest me. Please


Sorry you are going through tough times. Men need to retrieve and collect themselves sometimes. When you are close to someone and it is intense taking a break to recover is something men do.
I suggest to leave him alone, let him be. If he misses you he will come back.
In the meantime focus on things you enjoy, spend time with friends and family.

Meditate and remind yourself how lucky you are to be here at this moment and time. Appreciate little thing. Good luck!


I was in a relationship for 5 years and in those 5 years I was treated the best I have ever in any relationship I have been in. Unfortunately aside from our own personal issues the biggest issue that broke our relationship was my insecurity and my daughters father. Holding on to my daughters father to keep the peace between us, although the peace was knock down every chance given. Fights after fights with my daughters father and crying to my boyfriend about it was an ongoing thing for the past 5 years. At one point my daughters father was living with me because he had no family to go live with, nights and days I went without speaking to my boyfriend over the phone, just through text. Progressively I thought things were getting better my daughters father started dating a girl secretly I kicked him out and eventually he got his own apartment. I thought PERFECT, now my boyfriend can make this work. Well that lastly very short, my daughters father still had the upper hand because I was tired of arguing and fighting. Our fights became physical with us tussling and things being broken. Holidays were spent with my daughters father and his disabled mother because I honestly felt pity for the both of them and my girls are young. But as the years passed I became miserable, listening to my boyfriend telling me how exciting Thanksgiving and Christmas were and how he wished I was there. I was wishing the same but I was afraid to break from this responsibility I was chained to in fear of insults and fights with my daughters father. I was exhausted of arguing and fighting and fearful. After 5 years I became insecure, I questioned everything my boyfriend did and every argument I called quits. Well after months of it he finally said F*** me and at the end of the week of me breaking up with him I tried calling him to figure it out I tried explaining to him I was upset and insecure and fearful but he was tried of my mess. The following day we had spoke about meeting to talk and he never reached out finally after speaking to a relative who told me to fight for him, I call him and he told me he had slept with a girl from work. Long story short for the past 4 months we’ve been battling emotions and even gave it another try but this time around he was carless. After I continued to call him out on it he told me he loved me so much and felt I was the one for him but he resented me and was full of hurt and anger towards everything he put up with. I have never been this depressed. I finally back 4 months ago broke the chain with my daughter’s father. Did Halloween and thanksgiving without him or his mother and plan to keep it this way, we also cut our communication to my daughter alone, because that’s another things I was keeping a friendship with him. So for the past 4 months the friendship has faded, when he comes around I do my best to keep it casual. But with my boyfriend, now ex Im hurting badly. A few weeks ago I told him we couldn’t continue to communicate because he is in a limbo of emotions. One day he loves and doesn’t want to loose me and other he says he doesn’t know if he can get pass this and if we get back together he wants to be 100% because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Unfortunately I cant stop thinking about the girl he slept with that I mentioned in the beginning over my break up rant. Im so torn I cant believe I ruin this relationship. He did invite me for Thanksgiving but I couldn’t go I told him if the goal isn’t for us to work on us and get back together what was the point he said we could still hang. He texted me last night because he was sad about his grandmother, who he lost last year. We spoke for a little and he told me he was sorry he reached out but he feels like im the only one who understands him. I don’t know what to do anymore part of me feels like I lost him but I haven’t been able to let him go 🙁 hope this all makes sense… after many failed relationships I finally get a guy who did everything I wanted from surprises to laughs to affection to deep long conversations. I felt like I found my best friend… and I messed it all up


I met a girl 2 years ago and she was in an unhappy 7 year marriage. We fell in love and dated for a year while she was still married, he husband knew everything and she ended up divorcing him. We continued to date, go on vacations, and it was great. She would begin to withdraw emotionally from time to time and before long the intervals began to increase in frequency until she was completely emotionally unavailable. 1 month ago she broke up with me and said that it wasnt fair for me to be completely invested, that she was giving everything she had, but needed time to morn her failed marriage. Instead of leaving me when she divorced him and taking time to heal, she said I was a distraction and kept her mind off of the pain. When things were good, they were great. We both agree that there is possibility for a beautiful future together but she needs to not be in a relationship right now. This first month has been brutal, we tried to hang out a couple times, it wasnt the same. I was usually the one to initiate contact, but tonight I realized that I have been doing it all wrong. I need to competely leave her alone so that she has time to heal, time to miss me, and hopefully come back once she feels ready to give 100% of herself. I just told her tonight that it was wrong of my to think I could still be a part of her life, that I was going to let her go, and that I hope she finds what she is looking for. With my extra time I have been going to the gym daily, have been doiong all of my own meal prep and have a perfectly balanced diet, Ive been studying various investment opportunitys, taking weekly violin lessons, and focussing completely on myself. It really helps to stay busy. I really hope that she finds her way back to me, I have never felt for anyone like I do for her. Does anyone have any advice for me???

Ha Thu


I hope you can give me some advice for my case.

My boyfriend and I have been in long distance relationshio for five months. We met at my country and he was on his vacation. He planned to move to my country too cause his dad is living here. Then he was back home and 2 months after that i visited him. We talked on video call everyday since then. We were so eager to the day he moves here. But when the day comes near, he suddenly stopped talking to me. I tried to reach him but he sais his phone was broken and he was having problem with his mom, he doesnt know when he can move and he is sad. Then he blocked me on whatsapp, messenger.
I was hurt so much and did not know what is going on. I want to talk to him but i am afraid that would push him away. I also feel he is hiding something from me. And when i asked him that, he said i dont believe him and we cannot have a safe relationship, lets give us time.
From your perspective, can i know what you think. Do you think he just plays with me and never planned to move here? Or he actually is having problem? This is driving me crazy and hurt me so much.
Thank you


You didn’t mention how your relationship was. Were you both transparent regarding issues or used to sort it out all alone. If former is the case then there’s nothing that he couldn’t talk it out. N if it’s later one then wait for some time. Have a faith on him. He’ll come. But don’t make yourself just a waiting clock. Try to arrange your life blocks on your own.


My girlfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were together for about 6 months. Things were perfect for the first 4 months and I was starting to feel convinced she could be the one. Unfortunately things started happening in her life with her apartment, health, and family. She started to become depressed. I continued to try and lift her up and help her get through this (what I thought at the time to be a bump in the road). But her mental state started to get the best of her and our relationship. Things were starting to get really one sided and I felt as if I couldn’t come to her to vent about anything because I didn’t want to add to her grievances. The day before my college graduation (she has one more semester) I sat her down and we talked. She broke down and apologized for the way things have been. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lose me and I meant the world to her. A week later she hits me this the “I’ve been thinking text”. As I was now in my home town about an hour away from her I convinced her we should talk in person instead of over the phone. We met in person and talked for a few hours and all though things still didn’t make sense I made sure to make it a good goodbye. I told her I wished her the best and hope she finds happiness etc. We both ended with an love you. Two days later she contacts me saying she didn’t make the right decision she just doesn’t want to keep hurting me. About a week later we are I guess back together and she wanted me to drive down for her birthday. I had previously had this whole extravagant plan but because of the on and off events I never finished them. I ended up just getting her some fruit… anyway the day was kind of awkward despite my best effort to keep her spirits up. Fast forward to a week after this (and little communication) she said she wasn’t happy with anything in life and thinks we should break up for real. I said if that’s what she wanted then ok.

I’ve been in this crazy self destructive state of mind ever since and I’ve thought about her every day. However she has unfollowed me on all social media and seems to have just erased me out of her life completely. I’m just so confused and left without real answers. She meant everything to me and I tried to always be the best friend and boyfriend possible to her. I’m only 23 and know life will go on, but I feel terrible and am stuck with confusion and “what if” thoughts.


I know exactly how you feel . This is exactly what I went through. You need to talk to someone who has been through the same things as you. Its horrible, a horrible feeling. This just happend to me 2 weeks ago. I cant understand and will never understand. He left me for his EX wife. After me and my two daughters were living w him. I gave up my home to move in with him and then he tell me he needs time to himself , for him amd his two boys. Only to find out in his phone that he was planning on getting back w her. It has been so hard. I feel like i cant breathe. I don’t even know what to do with myself. My routine I had is gone, my happiness and the good life i had with him is gone. I feel like someone has hit me head on with a semi truck.


I just broke up from a physically and verbally abusive marriage, we dated for 2 and a half years and married for 1year and some months, we had a daughter together who is 8mokths old now. He used to beat me up, even while I was pregnant then he did beat me up too, not once , not twice many times. He was also very verbally abusive , he would lash out very strong abusive words at me, he was possessive too and lied a lot too. After I gave birth I thought the presence of d baby in our lives would make him change but he still beat me up twice again and I could not take it any longer I had to be strong for me and my baby girl and I left him. He begged and begged and said he had changed but I don’t believe him and besides I have had a enough. I am so disappointed in him.


I am now going through the same (a guy here) – with complete disbelief about the turn of events – a turnup only to be told that she was with another man (for 2 months) and all the while we were still communicating daily and tenderly. We are in an LDR for 3 years but I have taken the efforts to fly over every 2 months to keep it alive. Talked every day and have plans to really be together. She was all I wanted – and we connect at all levels – but I was totally shattered when a decision to leave was not even communicated. If she told me that she had fallen for another man (the guy that ditched her 8 years back to marry another only to come back when he thought the marriage is failing, and not divorced), I would have respected the end and let go. But to tell me in the face when the man prodded her to break up was cruel and callous. One month on, I am still in this cycle of pain and disappointment. I don’t blame her and I know she won’t come back again. But this has broken all the trust, the compassion and all the good things I believe in life and in other individuals. I am hardening up as a cynic. Any help or advice to relieve the pain, in anyway, appreciated.


stan i hope your doing better…i was in a ldr for 13 years, this past year i was getting brushed off from visiting, she was distant, and refused to let on she wrote off the relationship… 3 weeks agon when i asked her what was going on she said she checked out a year earlier and she didn’t tell me….i thought i had a gf, she said to her friends and co-workers she was single, while still talking to me weekly like nothing was wrong…i told her i wanted to move down with her, she said too late…she can’t trust me to do that…my major issue was her parents were rich and they hated me….and i’m no kid, i’m older than 40….


We broke up after almost 2 years together. We spent most of the time together everyday and we have alot of similar interest and activities together. I was devastating when he left me suddenly over 1 phone call and hardly could reach for him after. My life was completely changed over night.

Very soon, I found out he was seeing a girl and now she is his girl friend. I always think it was a cheat but he denied. 7 months, I still couldnt live like normal as I unable to sleep at night and I will still crying and thinking about him and our time spent together. Self blame, self guilt repeatedly in my mind that I’m not good enough. My self confidence is completely gone.

I’m struggling everyday to not feel sad.


OMG, I undrestand , horibel thing is that, they are going without explanation I can not sleep at night as well, Three Months passed I still can not stand up.


I am sorry to hear your pain. Just because one guy left you does not mean it’s your fault and you aren’t worth it. Self blame is the worst blame. It stops you from growing. Whether he cheated on you or he did not cheat on you, that shouldn’t make a difference to you cos he left you. People leave people for a reason but the reason isn’t always you. Probably he wasn’t worth your time and energy. He wasn’t meant to be with you, he belongs somewhere else. They say when you truly love someone set them free, and after that set yourself free. Life is beautiful and we are lucky to see each passing day. To feel the air the taste the food. No one has said don’t be sad. Happiness and sadness are two of the most strongest emotions, this is a cycle if we have felt happiness at one point of time we shall experience sadness as well. And in this course why blame yourself. You should embrace yourself and have pride. That you did not go wrong anywhere. You gave it your best shot. Atleast you can look at yourself in the Mirror everyday and tell yourself that you don’t have any guilt cos you were truthfully. In this world where we have all fake things and relations you Weren’t fake. And that is a super power in itself. You are strong and truthful, u know how many people would want that superpower. But you are already blessed with it. You aren’t so weak that a man decides your worth. Stop being in denial and tell yourself that you are no longer with him, probably cos someone better is meant to be with you. Someone who has the guts to call you back from his trip. You are a hero, you have been truthful and waited for him. I salute you for being so strong.


I was dating a married man that left his wife for me and had multiple women besides me we also had a threesome together me him and the wife. During this relationship he abused me physically and emotionally. It’s now over after all the abuse n me aborting my baby because of him I don’t know how to gain my strength back n start to love me again.


Dear Omeekaah – There is always hope. The reply Karen Young made to Berenice is very good advise too, (its above yours.) Omeekaah, You will heal. As difficult as it sounds, this person gave you a wonderful gift — You will never choose to be in a relationship like this again. You will be amazed at how strong you become. Quite likely you are very loving, and loyal. It is some other pain that needs healing, and there is hope for that too. You will forgive yourself, and God will forgive you, all you need to do is ask. Don’t let shame overtake you. We all need a Saviour. He helps us become like Him and that is the funnest way to live! The book “Safe People” is a great book and a great help. ‘How to recognize safe people and how we all can become safer.’ by Cloud and Townsend. Happiness is yours. Find a loving church, maybe Assembly of God in your area. Try a few and see where the people really will connect with you, then learn from them. You don’t have to be a certain faith to go, you can just go and be cared about. Not all churches are the same, because they are all made of people : ) . Find some learners. Thank you for sharing. These are multifaceted loses, but you really can heal! And that’s good news!! “He binds up the brokenhearted and heals all their wounds” Also, there is probably a women’s abuse network or organization in your area you can go to. Most have special classes to help women understand how to heal from abuse. We are all learning, and as painful as it is, this season of your life did you a favor. You can embrace that. You are probably going to write a great book one day and help a lot of people. Either way, your large loses are not in vain, and Jesus is very near to you wherever you are. I hope you feel His kindness today. You have great value and worth. At some point, most people hurt, really hurt inside, its what we do with it that matters. Learn the ways to prevent future pain, wisdom and discretion will be there. Thanks for sharing today. You just helped me put my things in perspective and reach to you. And that’s good medicine. Bless you! Speedy recovery, L


Dear Omeekha sorry to hear all the pain you went through s but remember not every loss is a loss. To gain something better and meaningful we have to make a lot of sacrifices and wrong decisions. This is the most difficult time one faces, when everything feels incomplete, there is a ache in the heart which is indescribable. This is the time where we flourish. Remember if you can over come this feeling, the future is always going to be beautiful. Life itself is a beautiful thing, and we are the lucky ones to be born as humans. Cos we have feelings and can express our emotions. We can feel things like no other living being. This is a god’s Gift and we should always be grateful that we are alive and still breathing. Also until and unless we don’t go through hardships and bad times we shall never appreciate the good. This is a cycle, and life itself is a journey and learning process. Now you know exactly what you don’t need in your relationship. All I can say is I pray to god that whatever you are going through ends soon. And you find your happiness. Develop your strength’s and you shall realize what a beautiful person you are. Self love is the best love. Like it’s said even god dosent help the people who don’t help themselves.


Just a couple of days ago I lost the love of my life. Almost a year into the relationship but it felt like forever. He decided to part ways because under the “circumstances” it was impossible for us to be together. In the beginning of the year he had left the state we lived in and stayed in a different state for months and months. I stood by him, I answered all of his phone calls, answered to all of his letters and believed that after he comes home we will never go part again. That we would be stronger than ever. The day came when he finally came home but he didn’t call. I found out by somebody else that he was in town. I thought he was going to surprise me but that didn’t happen. We finally got in touch but he was so cold and distant over the phone. That’s when I knew that the man I fell in love with was gone. I was in denial. I couldn’t lose him but he said it was for the best that I should move on that I deserve better. He said that things will always be the same between us. He told me so many times that he loved me but now it feels like he never meant it because he left. My heart is aching and I feel like I can’t breathe without him. I put so much time and effort into him and I was left with nothing.

Karen Young

Berenice we don’t leave any experience with nothing. I understand it feels that way, but in leaving this relationship you are one step closer to the one that is right for you. In time, things will make sense and you will learn what’s right for you, what’s wrong for you, and what you want in a relationship – starting with somebody who will build a relationship with you that feels safe, loving and communicative. People change, and when it’s the person we love who has changed it can feel breathtakingly painful, but as hard as it is, don’t take this personally. The combination of the two of you stopped working. In time you will find your strength and clarity around this, and you will be grateful for the wisdom that has come from the mess. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.


Your situation is like me now, Just god knows how I am suffering but he left me because he make other girl Pregnant , actually he cheated on me and now he has too much responsibility and loyality


I’ve recently gone through a break up because of a misunderstanding early in the relationship, we had just met and I wasn’t sure where we stood and I had a one night stand with an ex and because parameters of the relationship hadn’t been set at the time I wasn’t sure if he’d care or not, because we had only met 3 days prior but it came up a month later and he ended it out right and I’m devastated at the moment and I really am looking for a healthy way to heal


Sorry to hear about your breakup. But love is difficult. You should consider yourself lucky that you have had the experience of love in your life. I won’t say that since you have only been together for sometime the hurt is less. But you are lucky to understand the mental strength of your partner at a very early stage. Sit down and write where all you went wrong and what did you learn from your relationship. I am not saying that you might get your ex back. But this will help you to analyze yourself as a person and you will eventually work on yourself to become a better person.


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Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us? 

The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us.

We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about. 

We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?!

I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor,, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you. 

For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link
We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. 

There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. 

Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. 

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. 

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. 

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. 

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. 

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. 

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: 

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m  going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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