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Relationships: When Family (or Any Relationship) Hurts

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Relationships: When Family Hurts

Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones. You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. When there’s a lifetime of emotional investment involved, it’s likely that any response will hurt and will require a huge push, whether it’s walking away or fighting for the relationship.

Even if you decide that the price of being in the relationship is too high, it’s not always easy to leave. Sometimes it’s just not an option. Whether you’re on your way out or bracing for more, here are some ways to protect yourself from the ones who scrape you:

  1. Don’t let anyone else’s behaviour change who you are.

    Be dignified. Be brilliant. Be kind. Don’t let anyone reduce the best of you. 

  2. Make it clear this isn’t personal.

    Insecurity is at the heart of a lot of broken relationships. Insecure people will feel attacked even when no attack is made. If this is a relationship you care about, do whatever you can to help the other person feel safe and secure. Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are insecure will often respond to the world as though it’s going to hurt them. They’ll be cold, they’ll judge, they’ll take the first strike – all to protect themselves. In response, the world walks away, confirming the insecure person’s view that the world just isn’t safe.  

    Show them you’re different. Let them know that you don’t mean anything personally, that you appreciate their point of view and that you want to understand how they feel. (You might need to say it a few times!) Whatever you do, don’t blame. If you need to point out something they’re doing wrong, end it by letting them know that the relationship is important to you and you want to work on it. The more positive you can be the better:  ‘Every time I see you, you’re pointing out something else you don’t like about me. I really want to have a good relationship with you but it’s really hard when I feel like everything I do is judged harshly by you. Can we try and do things a little differently?’

  3. Now remind yourself not to take it personally.

    People will judge you, hurt you, put you down and try to break you – and most often, this will have nothing at all to do with you. 

    You don’t have to stay around and you don’t have to invest, but if leaving the relationship isn’t an option, seeing someone’s behaviour for what it is – a defence against a world that has hurt them once too many times – will help to protect you from the pain that comes from taking things personally.

  4. Find compassion

     Difficult people weren’t born that way. Generally the way they are responding to you is the way they have learned to respond to the world to keep themselves safe. It might be an ‘adversarial’ ‘I’ll get you before you get me,’ response. It might stem from having to control everything in their environment because they’ve learnt (somehow) that unpredictability  isn’t safe. Perhaps they have no idea of their impact on people and all they know is that relationships seem to fall like broken toy soldiers around them. Just because it’s painfully clear to you what they do, doesn’t mean it is to them.  

    There may be little you can do to change the relationship, but you might just be able to change the way it affects you. Feeling compassion is important because of the way it changes things for you. Compassion is an empowering choice you can make when you feel like you don’t have any choice at all.

  5. Hold the space. For them and for you.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship you care about is to hold steady and give the other person time and space to work out whatever it is they’re going through – while you stand still beside them. This is different to the space people give when they stay away for a while. 

    Let the person know that you’re not going anywhere, if that’s what they want, and that there doesn’t need to be any resolution for the moment. Do this without judging or criticising. It’s so difficult to be in an uncertain relationship but sometimes that’s exactly what the relationship needs – time to work through the uncertainty without fear of losing the relationship. There’s no need to hurry a relationship worth fighting for.

  6. Accept what is.

    One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the chasm between what we want and what we have. The gap left behind by a family member who hurts you can be immense. What makes it worse is that the pain is often recurring, hitting you every time you’re with them. Who knows why some people have amazing families and some have families that drain them, but not everything makes sense. You don’t deserve a difficult relationship, but don’t allow yourself to be ruined by that. Acknowledge what it is, let go of what it isn’t, and flourish despite it.

  7. You don’t need to convince anyone. 

    You are not here to win anyone’s approval. None of us are. Run the race you want to run. You don’t need to convince anyone of your reasons, your direction, or why you’re telling some people get out of your way. Just go around them – it’s much easier.  That you are silent, still and choose not to engage does not mean they’re right. It means you just don’t have to prove anything anymore. Because you don’t. 

  8. It’s okay not to be with them. 

    They may be your family, but you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to. If it feels too painful, explore what you’re getting out of the relationship by staying. If you choose to have a relationship anyway, let that be a testament to the capacity you have to make your own decisions and act accordingly. Change the way you look at it. If you have to maintain contact, let this be your decision made in strength, not in defeat. Own the decision because it was the best thing to do for you, not because someone else decided it was the decision that needed to be made.

  9. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t buy into them.

    Acknowledging how somebody feels doesn’t mean you agree with them. Saying something as simple as, ‘I understand you’re really angry but I  see things differently to you,’ or, ‘I know that’s how you see it and I have no interest in changing that. I have a different view,’ is a way to show that you’ve heard. Letting people know you’ve seen them and heard them is so powerful. Doing it and standing your ground without getting upset is even more so.

  10. Set your boundaries. And protect them fiercely.

    We teach people how to treat us. Imagine a visual boundary around yourself. You’ll feel when it’s being stepped over. Your skin might bristle, your chest might ache – it’s different for everyone but get to know what it feels like for you. When it happens, let the other person know. They might not care at all, or they might have no idea they’ve had that impact. If your boundary isn’t respected, walk away until it feels as though it’s been reset. Explain what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll do when that doesn’t happen. ‘I really want us to talk about this but if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to walk away until you’re ready o stop,’ or, ‘I really want us to work through this but if you just keep telling me that I’m not good enough, I’m going to hang up the phone.’

  11. Is there anything you can do differently?

    You might be dealing with the most difficult person in the world, but that doesn’t have to stop you from being open to the things you might be able to change about yourself. Is there any truth at all in what that person is saying? Is there anything you’re doing that’s contributing to the problem? This isn’t about winning or losing but about honesty, learning and growth. Nobody is perfect – thankfully – and the best people to be around are the ones who are constantly open to their impact and their contribution to relationships, good or bad. That doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for the mess, but this might be an opportunity for your own wisdom to flourish. What can you learn from the situation? What can you learn from them? Nobody is all bad or all good. Take advantage of the opportunity. Focus on what you can learn. Ditch the rest.

  12. Leave with love

    This is important. If you walk away from family don’t let the final words be angry ones. You never know what the future holds. However angry or hurt you are, death has a way of bringing up guilt and regret in the cleanest of relationships and forever is a long time not to have resolution. Anger is the one emotion that’s never pure. It’s always protecting another, more vulnerable one. Some common ones are fear, grief, insecurity, confusion. Tap into that and speak from there. That way, when you walk away, you’re much more likely to feel as though nothing has been left unsaid. Just because a relationship is ending, doesn’t mean it has to end angry. You don’t want to leave room for regret. Leave it with strength, dignity and love because that’s who you are. Trust me on this.

There will always be those whose love and approval comes abundantly and easily. They’re the keepers. As for the others, if the fight leaves you bruised, you’d have to question whether the relationship is worth it.

There will always be people who try to dim you. Sometimes this will be intentional and sometimes they will have no idea. You can’t change what people do but you can keep yourself safe and strong, just as you deserve to be.

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163 Comments

Nevaeh

I’m so sad right now…. I feel really horrible, I think I just lost my relationship with my family. I don’t feel like doing anything but dieing, but I know I shouldn’t, but at the same time, it’s all I can think of. I feel worthless, I used to be an amazing girl, who was shy, kind, and really kind to others, but now I’m a snobby brat because I’m a teenager. I know, this happens to all of us, and it sucks. I’m also 15 in 8th grade, and I feel really old. I can’t find anyone my age. My relationship with my parents was great, then I ruined in my assuming and talking trash about them behind their backs, I’m such a horrible person! and there is absolutely no hope, and I can’t fix anything. I wish i could take back my words, I wish. but it’s not possible…everything just feels……hopeless.

Reply
Helen

You are not worthless. Is very common for teenagers to act the way you have towards your parents. Most teenagers say they hate their parents. You have the sense to know that you have acted wrongly towards them. You can make amends. It may take some time but don’t give up on them coming back around to you. They are hurt and maybe even resentful right now. Maybe they want you to learn a good lesson. In any event, don’t give up. Your remorse shows me that you are worth everything!!!!🙂

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Nevaeh

hi, someone help, i feel worthless…. i think i just ruined my relatioship with my parents. im crying through this…i wanted to spend the night at a friends house….and unfortanly that wasnt the case because my mom goes to college, and she had to go that day. I felt sad because i really wanted to go, but i did something bad. I took it out on one of my friends. She wasnt mad, she understood that i was upset, but she just let it go. My parents looked through my phone and found out that i had been talking trash about them and i regret it. i wish i could fix all of this. but there is no hope…its almost like i just need to give up…i regret ALL of it. Now, i feel like a dumb person because i probally just lost my family, and trust. Now, my father thinks i hate him, and my mother? Well, ses very mad too. They both are. I wouldnt blame them. Someone…..please make me feel like i belong….and that i am a good person….please..

Reply
Sunny

Nevaeh,
I know you probably don’t realize it at 15 years old but, everyone makes mistakes and do wrong things in life. I will say a prayer about your situation. I feel sure that if you have loving reasonable parents you can make a heartfelt apology with a promise to do your best to not make the mistake again they will receive it and forgive you. Please find a School Counselor talk to. You are definitely not a worthless person because you made some mistakes.. Jesus loves you and I am sure your parents love you. I am a parent and if my child come to me and sincerely asked forgiveness I would gladly forgive.

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Helen

You are not worthless. Is very common for teenagers to act the way you have towards your parents. Most teenagers say they hate their parents. You have the sense to know that you have acted wrongly towards them. You can make amends. It may take some time but don’t give up on them coming back around to you. They are hurt and maybe even resentful right now. Maybe they want you to learn a good lesson. In any event, don’t give up. Your remorse shows me that you are worth everything!!!!🙂

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Nidhi S

Hello this is NIDHI
I know that when i was 10yrs old i did some thing by which some relations were broked with my parents..sometimes i think that Im a headache to my parents n my brother..one day my mother said that im an irritating person to them…n now I’m just 17yrs old..pls advise me how to get separated from my family..this is the only option I have

Reply
Karen Young

Nidhi, I’m not sure what happened, but at 10 you are a child. You are meant to make mistakes. I’m so sorry you feel as though you are an irritating person to your parents. You deserve to feel loved by the important people in your world.

Reply
Stephen

I have a son who has an older sister and brother who are lovely. He (my younger son) has always had a wild streak but was always very sporty, loved maths but was difficult to control. When me and my wife went away on our honeymoon (we got married after the children were born) my friends looking after my youngest son fell out with him, withdrew him from the school play and would never baby sit again. He was 2 (nearly 3). However I (his father) have always saw this wild side as the fun side – we would go cycling every weekend and whilst I did get angry when all of the children were naughty (using the naughty step) I did not treat him differently. However, with each year he has got worse – he turned 12 in January and despite the fact he constantly steals snacks from the kitchen and money from our purse/wallet, I took him skiing in February to Andorra. However, things didn’t improve – he continued to steal more and just before the summer he stole my wife’s debit card and withdrew £500. We got the police in to have a talk but did not press charges as we do not want to hurt his future. However a couple of weeks ago he started regularly swearing at us (we never swore in the house – except occasionally when I got angry at his worsening behaviour), I now try to remain calm as fear is clearly not the answer and he now regularly calls me C*** 1 and my wife C***2. Tells us to F*** off and that his grandma is a B****. He steals any money or snacks (I am now unable to eat unhealthily) and is on a second school where he is about to bit ejected. I feel like unleashing my own temper and can understand how crimes are committed at home in these circumstances (but I will remain patient, as I have nothing left). We are now looking to send him to boarding school – there is absolutely no help out there and I fear that if I do not send him away I may end up doing something far more serious. This is a terrible miserable life I find myself in with my wife crying and having to only draw cash provided she spends it before she gets home, him being constantly expelled from school and around the house making our life miserable. Is there any help out there? I try to talk to him, setting out my options and asking him to understand but the minute I see him he closes doors in my face, swears at me tells me to shut. Conversation isn’t an option. We went to a counsellor and tried to talk it through several times but he would not engaged and just left. He is very intelligent, got 60-70% at school but did not complete 30% of the paper and leaves school whenever he likes (without the bell or the teacher giving permission). I was a naughty child arguably doing worse things but not being disrespectful or disobedient. How can I make him listen? This has been going on since he was a toddler, gradually getting worse.
We have not allowed him a mobile until a certain age (as with the others – 14) and this has become a particular point of contention but we refuse to budge on this as we do not agree with electrical items when they are very young. For the other two it was fine but this has been particularly difficult from his point of view. We are all well educated – I am a partner of a law firm, although working away from home 3 days per week (since he was about 5) and I live in South Wales. Is there any help or is he doomed?

Reply
tanya

Well my dad abondon me at a very younge age and my mom and I don’t have a good relationship even though its something I wish to change. She always say that I will not become anything good and that’s something that affect my life until now. I have no dad and my mom only likes us when we can give her times. I am so hurt, I dont trust people and I am afraid to talk anyone because I don’t want to have any feelings for them. I tried to commit sucicide but later on I tried therapist but it didn’t turn out good. But am just hoping that someday that happiness will comes my way. Am just really struggling with my toxics family members.

Reply
Beverly

Tonya, I understand your pain, because I too had a parent who would tell me awful things growing up. My father would tell me things like, you’re a loser and you’re never going to amount to anything. I will admit, this has made me quite insecure in a lot of areas of my life and has led me down some very dark, roads. One of the biggest struggles for me was trusting anybody. Over the years I have learned that one of the biggest things it boils down to is, forgiving someone who has hurt you, even when they may have not asked for forgiveness. The power in truly forgiving someone and choosing to move forward in life is incredible. Once I chose to let those hurtful words spoken over me fall to the ground and no longer produce ugly, rotten fruit in my life, I was able to flourish in areas in my life that I didn’t even know were possible. I realized that a lot of things in my life that hurt me, were only hurting me because I chose to hold onto them. I allowed them to linger around and hold power over my life, only to hurt me more in the end. Once I came to the long, overdue realization that, I am not defined by those ugly, lies that were said. I came to know the Lord Jesus and what he says about me. He has shown me that I am so much more than I even realize. Once you tap into those positive things and let go of the negative, all while trusting that the Lord has your back. Everything else will fall into place. Even when things feel rocky and like you’re going to feel as though you’ll never be able to trust anyone. The only one you need to trust in is the Lord. He Loves us so immensely, we will never be able to quite grasp it. Any time any of those negative words try to hold reign over my life, I choose to believe that it’s not truth. It’s only meant to destroy me and who I truly am on the inside. I know my heart and my worth because of what the Lord says about me. So, on that note I will end with these words. You are loved and you are worthy of great things. ❤️

Reply
Sunny

Beverly,
What great advice and counsel you have given to Tanya.
When we know what Jesus says about us we can make the changes we need to make to be healthier and happier people.
Thank you and look how Jesus is using you to help others.

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SHARON B

I NEEDED THIS, THIS MORNING. THANK YOU. LIVING WITH AN ADULT DAUGHTER WHO SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION AND SEVERE ANXIETY AND A PHYSICAL CONDITION THAT IS ALSO NEGATIVE. HER WORDS CAN CUT ME TO THE CORE. I WILL BE STRONGER TODAY. I HAVE FAITH TRYING TO STILL FEEL I CAN ENDURE THE BARBS. I HAVE TO, FOR HER SAKE AS WELL AS MINE. BE THE REASON SOMEONE SMILES TODAY. BLESS YOU.

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J Ellen

This article really spoke to me. My dad was previously married and had 3 daughters – we were never close or really knew each other growing up. I could count on one hand the number of times I saw them as a kid. They weren’t nice to my mom and my dad was keeping a lot of secrets. When I turned 40 I decided to reach out to them so we could get to know each other. We spent a week getting to know each other and figuring out all the lies my dad told to keep us apart. Things went fine but it was tense and negative but we all became closer . . for a while.

I am now 52 and this has been the most drama filled 12 years of my life! What was I thinking?? None of the girls have seen my father for over 20 years. I care for him since my mom died. I became really close to one of the sisters and that’s only because she needed me because she had a falling out with the other 2. But when she made amends with them (after nearly 3 years) she turned on me after coming out for a visit and she spent the entire visit making me feel bad about how I care for dad. I was never so happy to see someone get on a plane. I will admit that I blew up at her while she was here – telling her I am doing the best I can for dad (which is A LOT) and considering NONE of them offer any help or assistance of any kind, she really needs to be quiet. But I apologized over and over again – basically begged for her to forgive me for blowing up. But instead she used this against me, told the other sisters how mean I was to her.
I really just want to be done – I don’t have time for this crap and honestly, if I were meeting her or any of them on the street, I wouldn’t want to be their friends. My dad is a drama queen and they are just like him. Once he is gone, I will have no reason to ever be in contact with them. They live in Florida and I live in Oregon – our paths will never cross.
But in the end, it hurts to have invested in this relationship with her – with any of them – only to be made the bad guy. And now I get these random text messages “Will you still be contacting me if something happens to dad or am I on the do not contact list?” Really passive aggressive crap like that. Good grief! I just want to be done!

Reply
Latrece

How does a person take “You will never be able to take care of yourself” coming from a relative whom you looked up highly and trusted. My grandmother said this about me/to me recently and it has honestly shaken my whole world to the core. I have not spoken to her since and do not see a reason to anymore. I have not done anything outlandish nor terrible for her to say these things to me and she has yet to apologize nor reached out to me to reiterate. Though she has been using my mother as the middle man for conversations/questions and wont contact me since either. Am I reading too much into this or am I hitting the nail on the head when I say she was being rude/judgmental and she knows it yet she can not bring herself to apologize? This is not the first time she has shown narcissistic behaviors but this is the deepest hurt she has caused me verbally. I am lost for words on her…

Reply
ElleW

Just about what your GM said to you. Im so sorry you have been through all if this. But just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. As you say she is narcisistic and clearly she is also very rude and selfish for putting her point of view on you, with no regard for your feelings. She should know your would value her opinion and she is highly irresponsible for saying that to you. In addition to me saying just because someone says something doesn’t make it true, she may be projecting her own interpreration of the world onto you. Ie. in her generation people had a a job for life, less fun, less freedom etc. Therefore, she cant compare her experience to yours. I would just think of her as being highly negative and not seeing the best in you. You know who you are and I think you should do your own thing I’m life and not worry about her – maybe you will prove her wrong in the end but not intentionally. Because you are living your life for yourself with no guilt or no self blame or self shame attached. Also think about all your good qualities and focus on those. No one is perfect but we owe it to ourselves to focus on the best of us. Lastly, if it was me i would reduce contact and when I see her show her just how happy and confident I am – that is the best revenge. Wishing you the best.

Reply
Selena

Latrece, your grandmothers words were rude and mean and your feelings are valid. My dad is similar and i used to look up to him as a child but i have hate and disgust for his personality now. Distance yourself from her and dont let her words or whatever she tells other people stop you from being successful and dont doubt yourself. Be strong, courageous and take care of your mental health 🙂

Reply
Sam

Your grandmother is a completely miserable b*+ch. I’m sure your mother can agree, just ask about her childhood.

Reply

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