Relationships: When Family (or Any Relationship) Hurts

Relationships: When Family Hurts

Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones. You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. When there’s a lifetime of emotional investment involved, it’s likely that any response will hurt and will require a huge push, whether it’s walking away or fighting for the relationship.

Even if you decide that the price of being in the relationship is too high, it’s not always easy to leave. Sometimes it’s just not an option. Whether you’re on your way out or bracing for more, here are some ways to protect yourself from the ones who scrape you:

  1. Don’t let anyone else’s behaviour change who you are.

    Be dignified. Be brilliant. Be kind. Don’t let anyone reduce the best of you. 

  2. Make it clear this isn’t personal.

    Insecurity is at the heart of a lot of broken relationships. Insecure people will feel attacked even when no attack is made. If this is a relationship you care about, do whatever you can to help the other person feel safe and secure. Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are insecure will often respond to the world as though it’s going to hurt them. They’ll be cold, they’ll judge, they’ll take the first strike – all to protect themselves. In response, the world walks away, confirming the insecure person’s view that the world just isn’t safe.  

    Show them you’re different. Let them know that you don’t mean anything personally, that you appreciate their point of view and that you want to understand how they feel. (You might need to say it a few times!) Whatever you do, don’t blame. If you need to point out something they’re doing wrong, end it by letting them know that the relationship is important to you and you want to work on it. The more positive you can be the better:  ‘Every time I see you, you’re pointing out something else you don’t like about me. I really want to have a good relationship with you but it’s really hard when I feel like everything I do is judged harshly by you. Can we try and do things a little differently?’

  3. Now remind yourself not to take it personally.

    People will judge you, hurt you, put you down and try to break you – and most often, this will have nothing at all to do with you. 

    You don’t have to stay around and you don’t have to invest, but if leaving the relationship isn’t an option, seeing someone’s behaviour for what it is – a defence against a world that has hurt them once too many times – will help to protect you from the pain that comes from taking things personally.

  4. Find compassion

     Difficult people weren’t born that way. Generally the way they are responding to you is the way they have learned to respond to the world to keep themselves safe. It might be an ‘adversarial’ ‘I’ll get you before you get me,’ response. It might stem from having to control everything in their environment because they’ve learnt (somehow) that unpredictability  isn’t safe. Perhaps they have no idea of their impact on people and all they know is that relationships seem to fall like broken toy soldiers around them. Just because it’s painfully clear to you what they do, doesn’t mean it is to them.  

    There may be little you can do to change the relationship, but you might just be able to change the way it affects you. Feeling compassion is important because of the way it changes things for you. Compassion is an empowering choice you can make when you feel like you don’t have any choice at all.

  5. Hold the space. For them and for you.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship you care about is to hold steady and give the other person time and space to work out whatever it is they’re going through – while you stand still beside them. This is different to the space people give when they stay away for a while. 

    Let the person know that you’re not going anywhere, if that’s what they want, and that there doesn’t need to be any resolution for the moment. Do this without judging or criticising. It’s so difficult to be in an uncertain relationship but sometimes that’s exactly what the relationship needs – time to work through the uncertainty without fear of losing the relationship. There’s no need to hurry a relationship worth fighting for.

  6. Accept what is.

    One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the chasm between what we want and what we have. The gap left behind by a family member who hurts you can be immense. What makes it worse is that the pain is often recurring, hitting you every time you’re with them. Who knows why some people have amazing families and some have families that drain them, but not everything makes sense. You don’t deserve a difficult relationship, but don’t allow yourself to be ruined by that. Acknowledge what it is, let go of what it isn’t, and flourish despite it.

  7. You don’t need to convince anyone. 

    You are not here to win anyone’s approval. None of us are. Run the race you want to run. You don’t need to convince anyone of your reasons, your direction, or why you’re telling some people get out of your way. Just go around them – it’s much easier.  That you are silent, still and choose not to engage does not mean they’re right. It means you just don’t have to prove anything anymore. Because you don’t. 

  8. It’s okay not to be with them. 

    They may be your family, but you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to. If it feels too painful, explore what you’re getting out of the relationship by staying. If you choose to have a relationship anyway, let that be a testament to the capacity you have to make your own decisions and act accordingly. Change the way you look at it. If you have to maintain contact, let this be your decision made in strength, not in defeat. Own the decision because it was the best thing to do for you, not because someone else decided it was the decision that needed to be made.

  9. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t buy into them.

    Acknowledging how somebody feels doesn’t mean you agree with them. Saying something as simple as, ‘I understand you’re really angry but I  see things differently to you,’ or, ‘I know that’s how you see it and I have no interest in changing that. I have a different view,’ is a way to show that you’ve heard. Letting people know you’ve seen them and heard them is so powerful. Doing it and standing your ground without getting upset is even more so.

  10. Set your boundaries. And protect them fiercely.

    We teach people how to treat us. Imagine a visual boundary around yourself. You’ll feel when it’s being stepped over. Your skin might bristle, your chest might ache – it’s different for everyone but get to know what it feels like for you. When it happens, let the other person know. They might not care at all, or they might have no idea they’ve had that impact. If your boundary isn’t respected, walk away until it feels as though it’s been reset. Explain what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll do when that doesn’t happen. ‘I really want us to talk about this but if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to walk away until you’re ready o stop,’ or, ‘I really want us to work through this but if you just keep telling me that I’m not good enough, I’m going to hang up the phone.’

  11. Is there anything you can do differently?

    You might be dealing with the most difficult person in the world, but that doesn’t have to stop you from being open to the things you might be able to change about yourself. Is there any truth at all in what that person is saying? Is there anything you’re doing that’s contributing to the problem? This isn’t about winning or losing but about honesty, learning and growth. Nobody is perfect – thankfully – and the best people to be around are the ones who are constantly open to their impact and their contribution to relationships, good or bad. That doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for the mess, but this might be an opportunity for your own wisdom to flourish. What can you learn from the situation? What can you learn from them? Nobody is all bad or all good. Take advantage of the opportunity. Focus on what you can learn. Ditch the rest.

  12. Leave with love

    This is important. If you walk away from family don’t let the final words be angry ones. You never know what the future holds. However angry or hurt you are, death has a way of bringing up guilt and regret in the cleanest of relationships and forever is a long time not to have resolution. Anger is the one emotion that’s never pure. It’s always protecting another, more vulnerable one. Some common ones are fear, grief, insecurity, confusion. Tap into that and speak from there. That way, when you walk away, you’re much more likely to feel as though nothing has been left unsaid. Just because a relationship is ending, doesn’t mean it has to end angry. You don’t want to leave room for regret. Leave it with strength, dignity and love because that’s who you are. Trust me on this.

There will always be those whose love and approval comes abundantly and easily. They’re the keepers. As for the others, if the fight leaves you bruised, you’d have to question whether the relationship is worth it.

There will always be people who try to dim you. Sometimes this will be intentional and sometimes they will have no idea. You can’t change what people do but you can keep yourself safe and strong, just as you deserve to be.

222 Comments

J

#13 show people enough respect to communicate in person. Especially you care .I’m asking please let me be if not. Would anyone think this is appropriate. It’s hard to go around or ignore negativity when it’s put everywhere. I understand y’all hate me, but I can’t do anything about that. As u see I’m really trying to be a different person than I used to be. I’m sincerely sorry, immaturity mixed with drugs and the person I was at the time. I have more regrets in my past than I care to mention. All I can do is go forward now though living differently. What more is there.

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Iva

I have tried so hard to have communication during our separation with my 2 Sons and their Father, I really did try

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Amatielle

God bless you. I pray your healing journey is full of miracles, joyful surprises, and wonderment revealing the life and love God has for you to abundantly live.
Blessings.🌻

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Nadia

I keep hurting my family. I don’t do it intentionally, I never do. I just get worked up and say things I don’t mean, which always ends with my mother crying on the couch. I don’t know if I feel sympathetic. I’m only 13 and it’s not like I can just move away from home. I don’t know what to do. I think it’s because of all the worked up feelings I have, and taking my anger out on my family is how I release it without really releasing any of my secrets? I’m unsure if that makes sense, but if I could get some help that’d be great.

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Caroline

Hi Nadia,

For being 13 and recognizing what you are doing is awesome!

I would recommend a few things, such as maybe writing a letter to your mom and leave it somewhere where she will find it.

Unless you’re able to communicate everything you feel verbally, that would work also.

But when it comes to close loved ones I tend to write it all down, so I get everything out and express how I feel, because seeing someone starting to cry in the beginning or half way through what we want to say, or it goes south and arguments flare then we tend just to shut down and leave it as is.

I hope all goes well!

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Jewel

My biggest regret in my life – at age 62 now – is that I initiated re contact with my equally cruel and severely abusive parents after being horribly spoken to as an adult on 3 different occasions. They even borrowed 75,000 dollars they will never repay though my mother is 89 and has plenty of money. My father died a few years ago. As a child they were cold snd neglegent and emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I have PTSD and panic attacks thathas only gotten worse with time. I wish I had not tried to have a relationship with them. They never contacted me even though they were clearly by any standards, the one or ones who attacked and jest personally destroyed me. I even purchased the “Narcissistic Recovery Program’ by Melanie Tonia Evans. I recommend it for people who have experienced the kind of abuse I have. I am not saying your abusers were narcissists – google it and see if they fit. Don’t do to yourself what I did. It ruined my life. It change who I am. It limited my potential. I have done very well for myself from an outside perspective but inside i am devestated and don’ trust anyone. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and I can’t survive any more attacks and cruelty. Listen to your intuition. I have always deeply regreted by passing it when it was screaming’STOP’ – get away from this person. Once abusers get away with it it gets worse and worse. And it all sets you up for future abusers. As I said walk away before it ruins you. At a point you will be changed irreparably for life if you don’t ge away fro the negativity. I am so mad at myself – but I was raised from birth with it so I was conditioned and we all want love, acceptance and respect I got NONE – just cruelty, disrespect and abuse and certainly I was never even accepted.They did not care about me and all their actions and inactions proved it. I just did not want to believe it because I was so afraid and hurt.

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Helen

I really like your wanting love, respect, & acceptance. I believe there is no barrier because of age. I hear what your saying and I am 81 yrs. young! As hard as I try it’s like these hurts are burned into my memory never to be forgotten.I believe I have tried everything I know how. You sound like the type person who would listen and share, at the same time knowing your safe with anything to talk about. I wish you all good things to come. I think you deserve it.
Thanks for listening to me!

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Rae-Ann Mackay

Jewel: This was my situation exactly. I had to cut myself off from my mother to save my sanity. Don’t blame yourself for going back – it sounds as if you are a forgiving person and you certainly did your best. Think of yourself right now.

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Jeannette

No matter the age, you are correct that we just want to feel like we belong. Of course you want to feel like you belong to your family. Your vulnerability in sharing your life experiences is quite moving. I hope that you will find ways to release that shame and guilt for wanting what is so innate in each of us. you deserve to be wanted, to love, to be loved. Go to that little girl in your meditations or in your journal and let her know how very much she is loved. That the adults in her life are hurt children themselves. They know now what they do. Even at 62, find another family of souls that are looking to be nurtured or want a purpose in life. You sound healthy – you probably have more years ahead of you. Bring joy to someone else. Stay connected with a group of children or teenagers that would love to have someone like you listen to them. That giving back will heal you and offer solace for someone else. Thank you for taking the time to write.

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BB

Your upbringing sounds much like mine. I had a very abusive mother. After many years of estrangement, I let her back into my life two years ago. I did this because she was 82, and I knew she didn’t have long. Often, I regretted it as she continued to be abusive and everything was her, her, her. She knew little about my life and accomplishments, nothing about her grandchildren, and she didn’t seem to care.

Then she took ill at Christmas. She fell and wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t get out of bed. She refused treatment, and I had to get social workers involved to force her to the hospital. After she was admitted, she continued to refuse to eat, and there was nothing I could do about it legally. Her ankle was severely broken from the fall and couldn’t be repaired. An MRI revealed that she’d had two strokes. I was going to get legal control and force medical treatment on her, but I decided to let her go and honor her wishes.

She lived for four more weeks, starving herself to death. I was at her side every day. Though this was a terrible time, it was also a very healing for me. I understood that I’d made the right decision in letting her back into my life as she needed me. I was the only one there for her. Her favorite son didn’t even bother to come up and see her.

Finally, I was accepting and dealing with many issues of pain. I realized that though she’d never be the mother I wanted her to be, that I could be the daughter that I’d always wanted to be. I treated her with love and kindness, and her last words to me were, “I love you,” something I’d always needed to hear.

I also came to forgive her as I understood that life had been very hard for her and that she was mentally ill and couldn’t help some of the things she had done.

I would be so much worse off if I hadn’t been for her in the end.

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SORAYA E

I hve a very abusive sistr always brings me down from young,adults nw,she has had pda prelationships in her Marige tuk not much h interest in her children,takes her frustration on me,gave up her kids to her husband,an cont c me in a Marige of 16 yrs,always cont communicate without hurting me ,an I hv e den nthn to her,I am 60 me an is rest than it Eva was,I hv e told her the way it is,an gen her my blessings an finally said gudbye

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Amatielle

God bless you. I pray your healing journey is full of miracles, joyful surprises, and wonderment revealing the life and love God has for you to abundantly live.
Blessings.🌻

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Nicole B

My serious situation

I have a brother who has been abusing his sisters for years. He has inherited two flats signed to him and a trust. When he was down out he always came to his sisters. He has a terrible fork tongue so you never know what to believe. He has got involved with my stepdaughter and her husband and forcing their way so they can claim everything from him. How can I handle my brother in a nice way. These people are false.
S

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Michelle N

I an a girl aged 21 and i am about to make a very hard decision. I have a son who stays with mu father and i dont want to lose him because i am not going back to my fathers house i am moving in with my fiancé and his brother in southAfrica where i had visited my Aunt and i have decided to settle here and look for a job here. My family is saying i must come back but i feel like i should take the risk and start a life here and look for a job. I’m afraid i will never be able to see my son again because I’m going against my parents and family wish but i feel its a necessary move to make. What should i do so i get to see my son again?

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Debe

Don’t leave your son. I remarried when my older son was 15 . He stayed with his dad and I took my 12 year old with me. I’m married for 17 years now to a great man . Unfortunately I lost my son. His father and my sisters turned him against me. I cry every day . My heart is broken.

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Dassy

I feel really miserable I don’t have anyone to talk to or lean on so I just decided to write it down and let it off my chest. I feel like am a foreigner in my family . You see I have an elder sister who is like someone everyone loves my dad, my mom, my friends, my sibling don’t get me wrong I don’t feel jealous. But the problem is my mom and dad and everyone also takes her side even when she’s the wrong anytime we had a fight they never take my side instead they tell me “you’ve grown really rude to your sister she is not your mate no matter what she does to you even if she beats and insult u hold it in and don’t talk back to her”it’s really really painful for but I’ve endured this for years and Everytime I think of it I felt like dying I would think of a lot of ways to die but u see I really love my family a lot and I can’t stand to see them in pain so I just put on a fake smile and pretend every thing is ok. I like my family but I could never love my dad no matter how what he does. He favors my sister a lot he tells me Everytime to behave like her I really feels like a useless ugly old rag been thrown away but I always manage to hold it in. I feel like my heart is pierced with thousand axes.

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jeline

my parents begged me to move into their home 3 years after they kicked me out in 2015 i was only 18 .i am their second child only daughter, when i moved into their home in july 2018 i was21 it was pure hell and in the following september they literally threw all my clothes and belongings out the house and called the police in front of all the neighbours A year has already passed but im still hurting i feel really ashamed and abandoned and two weeks ago my dad came at my job acting like nothing has happened asking me for money i just feel really sad and worth less …..because when i needed them to be my family they didnt want that and its like they always try to use me for money and through out the years it has gotten worse because they always call for money not to check up on me or even wish me happy birthday ……i feel really broken .all i wanted was to feel loved

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Brendan

Wife has denied access to both families for both of my children for five years. Berates me in front of the kids. We’re both professional people but something is horribly wrong. Kids started shunning me this past summer. I work two jobs and miss my wife and kids. And both sets of grandparents are heartbroken. One set, her folks live just blocks away. She takes Christmas gifts away from those left on the porch and throws them away. My kids can are under 10. They’ve stopped asking about Grandma and Grandpa. I’m heartbroken. My wife won’t let my kids talk on the phone with my parents on the west coast. If I disagree with her she takes the kids into a different room and says leave them alone. When I disagree with her but she blows up and my daughter cries. She hasn’t spoken to me since June. It’s almost Thanksgiving. We live in a small apartment. My son is 5. He turns to me punches and kicks me. She never once has taught him or her NOT to treat their dad (me) that way. I’m alone in my own house. During a cleaning before leaving too expensive a house rental…I could not keep up on payment alone, she threw out some of my irreplaceable keepsakes like a carving from my uncle who died years ago and a hundred CD s of mine. My kids now are indifferent to both sides of their families because they think both sides don’t want anything to do with them. My spouse is preventing contact. I disagree. I talk to my own parents but my kids would run back to their mom And tell. My family lives in effect”tattle tale” state. She won’t go to counseling. I’m dying. I’m now close to completely losing my kids. I love them all, but fear I’ve lost all of my family. Lost in Long Island…

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Nevaeh

I’m so sad right now…. I feel really horrible, I think I just lost my relationship with my family. I don’t feel like doing anything but dieing, but I know I shouldn’t, but at the same time, it’s all I can think of. I feel worthless, I used to be an amazing girl, who was shy, kind, and really kind to others, but now I’m a snobby brat because I’m a teenager. I know, this happens to all of us, and it sucks. I’m also 15 in 8th grade, and I feel really old. I can’t find anyone my age. My relationship with my parents was great, then I ruined in my assuming and talking trash about them behind their backs, I’m such a horrible person! and there is absolutely no hope, and I can’t fix anything. I wish i could take back my words, I wish. but it’s not possible…everything just feels……hopeless.

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Helen

You are not worthless. Is very common for teenagers to act the way you have towards your parents. Most teenagers say they hate their parents. You have the sense to know that you have acted wrongly towards them. You can make amends. It may take some time but don’t give up on them coming back around to you. They are hurt and maybe even resentful right now. Maybe they want you to learn a good lesson. In any event, don’t give up. Your remorse shows me that you are worth everything!!!!?

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Nevaeh

hi, someone help, i feel worthless…. i think i just ruined my relatioship with my parents. im crying through this…i wanted to spend the night at a friends house….and unfortanly that wasnt the case because my mom goes to college, and she had to go that day. I felt sad because i really wanted to go, but i did something bad. I took it out on one of my friends. She wasnt mad, she understood that i was upset, but she just let it go. My parents looked through my phone and found out that i had been talking trash about them and i regret it. i wish i could fix all of this. but there is no hope…its almost like i just need to give up…i regret ALL of it. Now, i feel like a dumb person because i probally just lost my family, and trust. Now, my father thinks i hate him, and my mother? Well, ses very mad too. They both are. I wouldnt blame them. Someone…..please make me feel like i belong….and that i am a good person….please..

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Sunny

Nevaeh,
I know you probably don’t realize it at 15 years old but, everyone makes mistakes and do wrong things in life. I will say a prayer about your situation. I feel sure that if you have loving reasonable parents you can make a heartfelt apology with a promise to do your best to not make the mistake again they will receive it and forgive you. Please find a School Counselor talk to. You are definitely not a worthless person because you made some mistakes.. Jesus loves you and I am sure your parents love you. I am a parent and if my child come to me and sincerely asked forgiveness I would gladly forgive.

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Helen

You are not worthless. Is very common for teenagers to act the way you have towards your parents. Most teenagers say they hate their parents. You have the sense to know that you have acted wrongly towards them. You can make amends. It may take some time but don’t give up on them coming back around to you. They are hurt and maybe even resentful right now. Maybe they want you to learn a good lesson. In any event, don’t give up. Your remorse shows me that you are worth everything!!!!?

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Nidhi S

Hello this is NIDHI
I know that when i was 10yrs old i did some thing by which some relations were broked with my parents..sometimes i think that Im a headache to my parents n my brother..one day my mother said that im an irritating person to them…n now I’m just 17yrs old..pls advise me how to get separated from my family..this is the only option I have

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Karen Young

Nidhi, I’m not sure what happened, but at 10 you are a child. You are meant to make mistakes. I’m so sorry you feel as though you are an irritating person to your parents. You deserve to feel loved by the important people in your world.

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Stephen

I have a son who has an older sister and brother who are lovely. He (my younger son) has always had a wild streak but was always very sporty, loved maths but was difficult to control. When me and my wife went away on our honeymoon (we got married after the children were born) my friends looking after my youngest son fell out with him, withdrew him from the school play and would never baby sit again. He was 2 (nearly 3). However I (his father) have always saw this wild side as the fun side – we would go cycling every weekend and whilst I did get angry when all of the children were naughty (using the naughty step) I did not treat him differently. However, with each year he has got worse – he turned 12 in January and despite the fact he constantly steals snacks from the kitchen and money from our purse/wallet, I took him skiing in February to Andorra. However, things didn’t improve – he continued to steal more and just before the summer he stole my wife’s debit card and withdrew £500. We got the police in to have a talk but did not press charges as we do not want to hurt his future. However a couple of weeks ago he started regularly swearing at us (we never swore in the house – except occasionally when I got angry at his worsening behaviour), I now try to remain calm as fear is clearly not the answer and he now regularly calls me C*** 1 and my wife C***2. Tells us to F*** off and that his grandma is a B****. He steals any money or snacks (I am now unable to eat unhealthily) and is on a second school where he is about to bit ejected. I feel like unleashing my own temper and can understand how crimes are committed at home in these circumstances (but I will remain patient, as I have nothing left). We are now looking to send him to boarding school – there is absolutely no help out there and I fear that if I do not send him away I may end up doing something far more serious. This is a terrible miserable life I find myself in with my wife crying and having to only draw cash provided she spends it before she gets home, him being constantly expelled from school and around the house making our life miserable. Is there any help out there? I try to talk to him, setting out my options and asking him to understand but the minute I see him he closes doors in my face, swears at me tells me to shut. Conversation isn’t an option. We went to a counsellor and tried to talk it through several times but he would not engaged and just left. He is very intelligent, got 60-70% at school but did not complete 30% of the paper and leaves school whenever he likes (without the bell or the teacher giving permission). I was a naughty child arguably doing worse things but not being disrespectful or disobedient. How can I make him listen? This has been going on since he was a toddler, gradually getting worse.
We have not allowed him a mobile until a certain age (as with the others – 14) and this has become a particular point of contention but we refuse to budge on this as we do not agree with electrical items when they are very young. For the other two it was fine but this has been particularly difficult from his point of view. We are all well educated – I am a partner of a law firm, although working away from home 3 days per week (since he was about 5) and I live in South Wales. Is there any help or is he doomed?

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IREEN M

Reading about Stephen’s son is like reading about my own son who is now an adult but continues to make my life very miserable. He has also shown a wild side since he was a toddler.From about 6 years of age, he then got into the habit of stealing money from the house and he would buy ice-cream for all his friends. He would lie that his deaf twin brother had stolen the money knowing fully well that the brother could not hear what he was saying. Eventually, I found out that it was him since the stealing became more frequent and occurred even in the absence of the twin brother. Initially I just thought well, he was just a kid and he would grow out of it. But as he grew older the stealing increased and he would catch my pin number for my bank card from more than a meter away as I made a transaction. He would then steal the card and withdraw money, at one point up to 300 dollars. By then he was in his late teens and he would show no remorse when I confronted him after having visited the bank where I was shown that the cameras had caught him while using the ATM to withdraw the money. They wanted me to press charges but I did not because i felt that I needed to try and talk to him again and maybe see if he could get help. He also got into the habit of shouting me down and being violent and that scenario has persisted. Many times he stole goods and even groceries from the house and sold them. At one point he then shoplifted despite the fact that he had money to purchase the items he needed for his retail job. He bought one load and went back to steal the other load and was caught by the security officer. I had to visit him in jail and my niece helped a lot visiting him with food and giving him moral support. But as soon as his jail time was up, he came home behaving like a monster and got into a fight with me because I caught him trying to steal from the house and reprimanded him. He then stole from the niece who had helped him so much and she was so hurt that she cried for hours but he was not remorseful and went to spend the money. He then stole groceries and I chased him from home.

He was 26 by then.He would sometimes work at stopping and would apologize especially after he turned 26. He would even cry very bitterly and ask me why he was incapable of stopping what he was doing even when he tried. He could spend a good month but just go back to it again and seemed to have no control at all. Today he is a fully grown men with a son and he is still stealing only now, I have learnt to secure all my staff. The violence level has increased and he drinks a lot . Now he also steals from the people who are closest to him, like friends and colleagues, even his clubbing buddies. All the time they come to harass me about him and he doesn’t care. I have now disengaged from him but sometimes I feel that he has a mental illness or a demon (for those who are spiritually inclined) and needs my help. But I too need to help myself and be safe since I have a chronic illness and he is an adult. Today, the police are looking for him and i am still being harassed by people he has taken from. Yet I don’t know where he is. He only called once on an unknown phone to say I am so sorry for everything.

Just imagine, it started when he was just a child, right when we expect these young ones to be innocent and it has grown out of proportion with age, the cursing, the drinking, the theft. He cant even take care of himself and yet he is such an intelligent young men who never needed to put much effort to get good grades in school. The dilemma for a parent is that one feels that maybe they must help the child even if he is an adult or is super rude and yet one also feels thatwith such a child, there is always a dark cloud hovering over one’s head even when he is not in the house. Even when you lough or are trying to move on and be happy with your life, you still cant be fully happy as you expect to hear something negative from his side. I have such a dark shadow following me everyday and even when i go to bed I fear the waking hours of brooding over the darkness in my life, the harassment from people stolen from and the negative expectations.

Stephen, you need to seek help NOW because these negatives that catch them young may suck the life and happiness out of the whole family because they become worse the older the child gets and prison isn’t even a solution. I sympathize and empathize with you. I too still hope that my adult son will meet God and get help. I am currently torn between watching him get arrested and eventually die since prison in Africa is a horrible experience. People are crammed together in hundreds and those who die, do so among the living and are removed in the morning and there is no food let alone medical care. The prisons are lice infested. I don’t see myself ever visiting him if he ever gets arrested again because it will be torture to me as his mother. My big question is how does it happen to them when they as young as 3 and so innocent? Is it biological and if so, how do we help them? Is there an online support group for parents like us? I am breaking apart right now, it is still my son I am talking about!

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tanya

Well my dad abondon me at a very younge age and my mom and I don’t have a good relationship even though its something I wish to change. She always say that I will not become anything good and that’s something that affect my life until now. I have no dad and my mom only likes us when we can give her times. I am so hurt, I dont trust people and I am afraid to talk anyone because I don’t want to have any feelings for them. I tried to commit sucicide but later on I tried therapist but it didn’t turn out good. But am just hoping that someday that happiness will comes my way. Am just really struggling with my toxics family members.

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Beverly

Tonya, I understand your pain, because I too had a parent who would tell me awful things growing up. My father would tell me things like, you’re a loser and you’re never going to amount to anything. I will admit, this has made me quite insecure in a lot of areas of my life and has led me down some very dark, roads. One of the biggest struggles for me was trusting anybody. Over the years I have learned that one of the biggest things it boils down to is, forgiving someone who has hurt you, even when they may have not asked for forgiveness. The power in truly forgiving someone and choosing to move forward in life is incredible. Once I chose to let those hurtful words spoken over me fall to the ground and no longer produce ugly, rotten fruit in my life, I was able to flourish in areas in my life that I didn’t even know were possible. I realized that a lot of things in my life that hurt me, were only hurting me because I chose to hold onto them. I allowed them to linger around and hold power over my life, only to hurt me more in the end. Once I came to the long, overdue realization that, I am not defined by those ugly, lies that were said. I came to know the Lord Jesus and what he says about me. He has shown me that I am so much more than I even realize. Once you tap into those positive things and let go of the negative, all while trusting that the Lord has your back. Everything else will fall into place. Even when things feel rocky and like you’re going to feel as though you’ll never be able to trust anyone. The only one you need to trust in is the Lord. He Loves us so immensely, we will never be able to quite grasp it. Any time any of those negative words try to hold reign over my life, I choose to believe that it’s not truth. It’s only meant to destroy me and who I truly am on the inside. I know my heart and my worth because of what the Lord says about me. So, on that note I will end with these words. You are loved and you are worthy of great things. ❤️

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Sunny

Beverly,
What great advice and counsel you have given to Tanya.
When we know what Jesus says about us we can make the changes we need to make to be healthier and happier people.
Thank you and look how Jesus is using you to help others.

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SHARON B

I NEEDED THIS, THIS MORNING. THANK YOU. LIVING WITH AN ADULT DAUGHTER WHO SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION AND SEVERE ANXIETY AND A PHYSICAL CONDITION THAT IS ALSO NEGATIVE. HER WORDS CAN CUT ME TO THE CORE. I WILL BE STRONGER TODAY. I HAVE FAITH TRYING TO STILL FEEL I CAN ENDURE THE BARBS. I HAVE TO, FOR HER SAKE AS WELL AS MINE. BE THE REASON SOMEONE SMILES TODAY. BLESS YOU.

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J Ellen

This article really spoke to me. My dad was previously married and had 3 daughters – we were never close or really knew each other growing up. I could count on one hand the number of times I saw them as a kid. They weren’t nice to my mom and my dad was keeping a lot of secrets. When I turned 40 I decided to reach out to them so we could get to know each other. We spent a week getting to know each other and figuring out all the lies my dad told to keep us apart. Things went fine but it was tense and negative but we all became closer . . for a while.

I am now 52 and this has been the most drama filled 12 years of my life! What was I thinking?? None of the girls have seen my father for over 20 years. I care for him since my mom died. I became really close to one of the sisters and that’s only because she needed me because she had a falling out with the other 2. But when she made amends with them (after nearly 3 years) she turned on me after coming out for a visit and she spent the entire visit making me feel bad about how I care for dad. I was never so happy to see someone get on a plane. I will admit that I blew up at her while she was here – telling her I am doing the best I can for dad (which is A LOT) and considering NONE of them offer any help or assistance of any kind, she really needs to be quiet. But I apologized over and over again – basically begged for her to forgive me for blowing up. But instead she used this against me, told the other sisters how mean I was to her.
I really just want to be done – I don’t have time for this crap and honestly, if I were meeting her or any of them on the street, I wouldn’t want to be their friends. My dad is a drama queen and they are just like him. Once he is gone, I will have no reason to ever be in contact with them. They live in Florida and I live in Oregon – our paths will never cross.
But in the end, it hurts to have invested in this relationship with her – with any of them – only to be made the bad guy. And now I get these random text messages “Will you still be contacting me if something happens to dad or am I on the do not contact list?” Really passive aggressive crap like that. Good grief! I just want to be done!

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Latrece

How does a person take “You will never be able to take care of yourself” coming from a relative whom you looked up highly and trusted. My grandmother said this about me/to me recently and it has honestly shaken my whole world to the core. I have not spoken to her since and do not see a reason to anymore. I have not done anything outlandish nor terrible for her to say these things to me and she has yet to apologize nor reached out to me to reiterate. Though she has been using my mother as the middle man for conversations/questions and wont contact me since either. Am I reading too much into this or am I hitting the nail on the head when I say she was being rude/judgmental and she knows it yet she can not bring herself to apologize? This is not the first time she has shown narcissistic behaviors but this is the deepest hurt she has caused me verbally. I am lost for words on her…

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ElleW

Just about what your GM said to you. Im so sorry you have been through all if this. But just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. As you say she is narcisistic and clearly she is also very rude and selfish for putting her point of view on you, with no regard for your feelings. She should know your would value her opinion and she is highly irresponsible for saying that to you. In addition to me saying just because someone says something doesn’t make it true, she may be projecting her own interpreration of the world onto you. Ie. in her generation people had a a job for life, less fun, less freedom etc. Therefore, she cant compare her experience to yours. I would just think of her as being highly negative and not seeing the best in you. You know who you are and I think you should do your own thing I’m life and not worry about her – maybe you will prove her wrong in the end but not intentionally. Because you are living your life for yourself with no guilt or no self blame or self shame attached. Also think about all your good qualities and focus on those. No one is perfect but we owe it to ourselves to focus on the best of us. Lastly, if it was me i would reduce contact and when I see her show her just how happy and confident I am – that is the best revenge. Wishing you the best.

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Selena

Latrece, your grandmothers words were rude and mean and your feelings are valid. My dad is similar and i used to look up to him as a child but i have hate and disgust for his personality now. Distance yourself from her and dont let her words or whatever she tells other people stop you from being successful and dont doubt yourself. Be strong, courageous and take care of your mental health 🙂

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Sam

Your grandmother is a completely miserable b*+ch. I’m sure your mother can agree, just ask about her childhood.

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Sara

I am trying to deal with and let go of the fact that I just lost my relationship with my mom and my cousin. I was very close with my mom but she drinks a lot and I would get random messages in the middle of the night saying that I am a bad mom and telling me what I’m doing wrong. So about 7 months ago I told her I can’t have a relationship anymore I’m still grieving everyday and trying to figure out how to get over this hurt feeling. With my cousin we were very close growing up and it was in the last year she seemed to cut me out of her life and I am still questioning why and it hurts me so bad. I see pictures on Facebook of her hanging out with everyone we all used to hang out with except for me. I just want to figure out how to get past this.

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naadirahdream

I finally cut ties with my father ten years ago, when he tried to bring my newborn baby into our arguments, sending me accusative letters he hadn’t had enough notice about there being a child coming. That was only one of the more minor things that had happened, but it was the last straw. It gave me the strength when I hadn’t had the strength for myself, because no way was I going to have him treating my children the way he’d treated me. And I never spoke to my father again. My final letter to him was strong, but not angry. The rest of the family in the end thought I’d done the right thing, as he treated all except his third wife the same way as he treated me. He passed away at the end of last year. It was still sad, but I only felt pangs of guilt for about a day and knew I didn’t really have to feel guilty. I protected my children.

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Ellie D

I love that you mentioned you don’t need approval from anyone. I believe that acceptance is one of the most important things in any relationship and family. Surpringsily when you accept yourself you can proceed to accept your family, and it will help you to get along with them in a nicer way.

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Beverlee H

My brother is very sick. I have done everything humanly possible for him and my 85 yr old mother whom he lives with. I was unable to take him to his ongology appt. 2 days ago,due to my being ill that day, and he cussed me, told me he could not depend on me, and then hung up on me. He is now back in the hospital and i called to see how he is feeling, and he was again rude and hung up on me. It hurt me so badly. He is rude to my mom and myself and i simply cannot take it anymore. I realize he is sick, but NOW he is mad for something i had no control over. This is a guy that went for 12 yrs without speaking to our dad. I want out of the never ending cycle, but i know i will feel guilty for not helping when needed.

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M

One of my family members is a very prominent public figure. My family is full of crap. My mom was verbally & physically abusive. My siblings all treated me like crap for most of my life. Every holiday I cried from their meanness. My brothers wives are also monsters. The more I write the more I wonder why I even care about these people. Seeing me probably just reminds them of the terrible people that they are. This all makes sense. WOw. I wish I was born into a family of kind and living people. All I can do is continue to offer that to my own children and encourage love and kindness. Wow. This really helped me. Thanks!

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Shreehari

Greetings mam☺My Name Shreehari i live in India, TamilNadu i have a problem with my all family members (except my mom and dad) everyday i speak with them about my fav ambition
in my life (that is i want to become a solider in Indian Army) when i speak about this to my mom&dad they motivates me but other ones are insulting me like hell yes…everyday they hurts me and no one likes me cuz im so scared with public , and other some reasons at all what shall i do mam please give me some advise i cant bear the insults it pains me a lot

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Gramma

My 35 year old daughter savagely attacked me four years ago and left me battered and bruised for a week where I couldn’t go anywhere. She went to a State mental hospital for two weeks, then she was put on house arrest and used my address to be locked down in. Two years after that she became pregnant out of wedlock which I helped her through. I have helped her by raising my beautiful granddaughter out of concern for her safety. We live separately, but her emotional and verbal abuse towards me continues. The baby has learned every cuss word in the book from her and I’m afraid she is verbally abusing her as well. I’m in fear she will physically abuse my grandbaby. I want my daughter out of my life, but I can’t bear to leave my grandchild.

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Anonymous

Having family hurt you is the absolute worst thing in the world.
It cuts deeper than anything you can imagine.
It breaks your heart into a billion pieces and sometimes you don’t understand how to stitch them all back together again.
Sometimes for your own mental and physical health you need to just remove yourself from the situation, which again is hard because you crave the love and support of a family.
A true family, a supportive family. I guess at these times we fall on our friends, the small network of family we have made for ourselves.

Today I woke to see my sisters hen party pictures splashed all over facebook and Instagram.
I guess they forgot to invite me. I know I’m busy ATM 24/7 studying hard for my future. I know because of this I constantly have to explain myself and can’t always be there. I would have moved heaven and earth to be at that party though, although she’ll never know that now.
It cut me like a knife. I can’t understand why anyone would be that cruel.
I guess I just don’t fit into the superficial world they live in.

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F R

I have been having problems with my sister! She has a very dominating personality that I find very hard to deal with. Her husband has a narrsistic personality, he tells her the most outrageous lies. She totaly believes every thing he tells her. Then she regurgitates these lies to me and expectes me to go along with his rediculous stories. I know they are not true, but I dont want to destroy our relationship by telling her that I don’t believe anything he tells her. I tried to tell her at one time and she got so defensive and started to fall apart, then she accused me of not not supporting her. Her husband has been telling these rediculous stories for 20 years. I just can’t go on listening to her. I love my sister and I don’t want her completely out of my life, but it has taken a huge toll on my life. I could really use some advice.

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Frank

The one other comment I would add is do not be consumed by thoughts of retaliation and revenge. Living well is the best revenge.
Life is supremely ironic and no one can escape their karma. When those who have really hurt you grow old ,sick and die be grateful that you are not the one suffering today. Your full time, every day job is to take care of you. When that piece is good then you can begin to think about reaching out to others and mend some fences if you need to.

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Frank

Sorry……read above. This is not easy. Every ounce of your strength and determination is required to come to grips with the pain and disappointed when family and friends say or do things that are terrible and hurt us. Sometimes these things are done out of love. More often than not it is done out of anger, jealousy, ego insecurity and a profound lack of compassion and understanding. My advice to you is simple. Back away and focus on yourself. Go look for new families and friends to spend time with. Imagine that you are the loving compassionate parent or friend that sees that little four year old boy or girl with their head in their hands , devastated,crying and trembling. Would you simply walk away. Of course not ! You would walk up to the little little child and ask them what is wrong.
When they explain it to you you would immediately try to console them and if you really loved the child give them and all encompassing, loving embrace with soft loving words. Please understand that YOU are that child. You must also be that parent or friend that walks up to the child with loving words and a big embrace. You woke up today. Everything in your body still worked.
Be grateful. Breathe, listen and crack a tiny smile that some mysterious force still wanted you here. Feel blessed that you were not the one that got some horrible news today. Keep moving and walking around the great circle that is life the same way the earth keeps slowly spinning on itself and around the sun. Do not allow yourself to become stuck. Keep moving, softly walking and flowing the same way your heart keeps softly beating and moving your warm glorious life giving blood to even the smallest tips of your fingers and toes. Love yourself, calm your mind. You are not and never will simply be your thoughts. Keep walking softy and moving forward.

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Frank

No one is immune from the painful words and actions of family and friends we care for. Rather than agonize over what was said and done I believe the only option is rebuild yourself internally from the ground up. This is not ea

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Emily

My Husband’s stepdad is estranged from his son. It’s been like that for almost 3 years. My in-laws are obviously hurt especially since the estranged son recently became a father himself. This is my FIL’s 1st grandchild.

My in-laws are constantly bringing up the drama between them and not understanding what they did wrong. They most certainly don’t take into consideration that the passive aggressive FB posts in reference to the ES make things worse. Oh but don’t tell them that because they are the victims. I don’t see anyone as the victim here with the constant tit for tat.

I ,along with both SILs, make it an effort to not bring it up but sometimes the in-laws find a way to bring it up. We are all so sick of hearing about this. It’s very draining. How can we tell them we are not interested in discussing this drama?

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Xiao

Exactly at new year, i fought with my big extended families (cousins). I hate it when i have mood swings. I didnt attack them, i just stopped talking and stopped showing feelings for them. I didn’t know why. I just felt sad and felt like i’m lonely and not good enough for them. They tried talking to me but i keep acting cold. I know it was stupid for me. What is wrong with me. Now i am rejected . Rejected from all my families. Grounded from leaving my room the rest of my life. I had thoughts on going to live alone somewhere where they cant find me. But i’m broke. I never tell my parents everytime i have issues with life or facing difficulties. They blast me some talkings that always ache me. And what they say abt me is not true. My siblings also hated me. I dont work yet, i dont go to school anymore, the last qualification i have was A’level but not qualifiy to enter university. I dont have anyone to talk to. My friends have better life and im sure they wont listen to me. I deleted all of my social media accounts kn new year too I dont know why i’m always rejected in this society. I just feel rejected in 2019. I need help. I’m depress.

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JMM

Hi Xiao,
I hope you’re feeling better now. I understand your feelings with your cousins. I am 47 years old and I have hurt feelings with my cousins treating me like they are so much better than me and acting like I don’t exist. I am normally a kind and friendly person, but I’ve had it with them walking right past me like they don’t see me. They are truly snobs, and I don’t fit in with them, because I am not a snob. I’ve been giving it back lately and pretend I don’t see them, and barely acknowledge them. They don’t like it and are acting offended. In my head, I call them the mean girls. Growing up, I was very close to one of the cousins, but when she went off to college a few years ahead of me, she became too cool for me. It really hurts. Many other relatives treat me badly as well. There is a lot of negativity amongst everyone and I have tried to be positive, but they keep bringing me down. I want you to know that it is probably not your fault. I don’t really know your situation. It sounds like you’re feeling looked down on. Some people feel better about themselves to look down on others. There’s nothing we can do about them. We just have to get stronger and build up our own lives, so that we have confidence when we see them, and know that we are good, valuable people. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I have broken away from most of my family, because I had almost no self esteem left. I started living my life the way I wanted to and made positive friendships with people who treat me with respect. I started volunteering at a place that I feel passionate about and doing artwork for them. They appreciate me so much that they nominated me as volunteer of the year, last year. For the first time in a long time, I felt valued as a person. My point is to try to focus on positive things that you enjoy and that you have strengths in. Build relationships with positive people with similar interests, and find support from at least one person to help you get some treatment for your depression. Having a wonderful therapist has helped me get through the worst of times. I’ve been hospitalized for depression many times, but its important to keep seeking help to get through the difficult times, because there will be better days. I wish the best for you and hope you are having brighter days. Always keep trying. You are worth it! Love and hugs to you!!❤

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beatrice

I have 2 family members who have showed great disrespect for everyone in the family. They are extremely antagonistic, even to each other a lot of the time. But I’ve noticed when they are getting along they are somewhat more cruel to other people than when they are fighting. I hate the antagonism, the disrespect, I won’t go into it but some of it has been extremely bad. I once tried to kick them out of my elderly mother’s house because of their bullying behavior, I live states away so they were back almost immediately. I finally set a boundary that I wouldn’t communicate with antagonism any more, when I felt it or heard it I was gone. Talk to me with respect or you won’t talk to me at all. Circle came back around and now I’m disconnected again, one of them lives in my sister’s house, so I haven’t seen her in over 2 years because I won’t step into that fight again. Anyway this article helped me somewhat. I took notes. It’s about knowing what’s right and refusing to bend. It’s heartbreaking but I intend to stand strong.

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Kia

I am at a point where I want nothing to do with my family. They are toxic and have been since I can remember. If I ever need any help with anything they will gladly bring up all of my shortcomings. I was working a good job and lost it. My father never fails to bring up how I had this good job. Now I don’t I am working hard to get back on my feet any little thing they’ve ever done. It’s thrown right back in my face. They love to say if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have nothing. I have always been a very independent person and I despise asking them for anything knowing that they will say if it wasn’t for me. I am working hard to rebuild my life and never look to ask them for anything. I want nothing to do with them as a family they are all horrible and I wouldn’t care if we ever speak again. I’m done with them

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Christine P

The 3 boys in my family suffer from schizophrenia, alcoholism. They are emotional abusive and have no sense of remorse and accountability. Unfortunately, the last living head of this pact, the father, has taught his boys the abuse, lack of remorse and accountability. The girls in my family suffer from depression n anxiety. I am the 7th borne girl taking meds for this condition n I can work and be a productive citizen. The other girls are experiencing other medical issues, which I suspect is the result of not dealing with the root- anxiety n depression.
I have not had a relationship with 2 brothers in my family – who do not live under the same roof as me -due to years of emotional abuse. The last 2 male members are 2 that I live with at this time, at least for the next year. I have made a conscious decision to take the 2 males which I share a roof, and place them outside my circle. I have nothing to talk 2 them, as my role in this house is to clean the inside of the house n the outside yard. My role ends at this point. I have nothing to say 2 the 2 males who are living under the same roof. I have one year to leave n be on my own again. My response to any questions they may have for me will always be “I have no response to your inquiry”. When I leave this roof, which I share with the last 2 males in this family, I will not look back. Call it self preservation.

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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