Talking to Your Teen About Mental Health and Depression (Without Saying ‘Mental’ or ‘Depression’)

Day to day ups and downs are a normal part of adolescence, making it difficult to distinguish between normal teenage moodiness and depression. Teens might not always be able to articulate what they’re going through, and they might not want to talk about it to you, but starting the conversation will help to protect their mental well-being.

Rates of teen depression increase sharply during adolescence, peaking around 16 years old. The exact reasons for the rise in depression during this time is unknown but it’s widely accepted that a number of factors contribute, including school transitions, academic and social stress and hormonal changes. Add to this their developmental goals of figuring out who they are, where they fit in and establishing their independence and it’s clear that teens have a lot going on. 

The Conversation That Will Help Protect Your Teen

One of the best things you can do for your teen in your life is to let them him or her know that you’re available to talk on their terms.  Here are some ideas for how to make that happen:

  1. Let them see you.

    Let them know you’re there for them unconditionally and whenever they want – no limits. Be careful not to ask too many questions. You don’t want them to feel crowded or patronised.

  2. Put the invite out there.

    Sometimes starting the conversation is the hardest part. Here are a few ideas to get things started:

    • ‘Are you okay? I’m here if you ever want to talk.’
    • ‘It’s really normal to feel stressed/ cranky/ sad/ tired sometimes but if it gets to the point where you’re feeling like that all the time we should talk about it. You don’t have to feel like that and there are ways to feel better.’
    • ‘You seem a bit down/ stressed/ tired/ sad lately. Is that how you’re feeling at the moment?’ Then, depending on the answer, ‘Would you like to talk about it?’ or ‘Well I’m here if you ever need to talk.’ 
  3. Validate them.

    Casually acknowledge that high school can be tough and that it’s all part of the gig. Acknowledge the things that might be going on – ‘I know that you want to do well so it’s not surprising that you might feel the pressure of school/ staying on the team/ staying with the crowd. Everyone’s going through the same thing so there might be some crazy stuff that happens with your friends. It’s pretty normal. I’m here if you ever want to talk.

  4. Give them an easy out.

    Have the duration of a car trip as the time limit so they know there is an easy end to any difficult conversation and that they have control. Let them know that you will only talk until you pull into the driveway and then they can decide whether or not to keep the conversation going. It’s completely up to them – no questions or argument from you. ‘Do you think we can talk about how you’re travelling. Let’s do it like this. Let’s chat until we pull into the driveway and then I promise we’ll talk about something else if you want to. Totally up to you.’

  5. Your physical presence can make a difference.

    This can depend on the teen and the situation. Sometimes your teen might respond better if you avoid eye contact. Try starting the conversation in the car (this is a favourite of mine) or while you’re doing something else (like cooking dinner) rather than when sitting down and facing them. Then there might be other times when they’ll appreciate the one on one close attention from you. I’ve found that my kids tend to open up when I go in and sit on the edge of the bed just before they go to sleep. When it’s late and dark outside, the rest of the world seems a bit more removed – no distractions, no expectations. They won’t always talk of course – sometimes they’ll have nothing to say, or they might not feel like talking – but if they’re going to talk, this seems to be the time they do. 

  6. Be gentle but persistent and available but not intrusive.

    Your teen might not open up straight away – and that’s okay. Keep trying but be mindful of pushing too hard. It’s a tricky line this one. The main thing is to keep making yourself available for when they’re ready.

  7. Don’t try to talk them out of their depression.

    Even if their thinking seems irrational or their thoughts trivial, it isn’t that way to them. Validate them, ‘It’s bothering you isn’t it,’ or ‘I can see how upset you are,’ so they know they can come to you again.

Teenage Depression: The Warning Signs

Knowing the warning signs is important because with early detection plenty can be done.

If you’re not sure whether the teen in your life is depressed or just going through the usual growing pains that come with adolescence, consider the duration and severity of the symptoms and how different your teen is acting from his or her usual self.

Teenage depression can look similar or very different to depression in adults. The usual signs of depression are: 

  • mood changes – sadness or irritability
  • a sense of hopelessness
  • tearfulness or crying
  • withdrawal from social and family relationships
  • loss of interest in activities
  • changes in sleep habits – sleeping more or less, change in waking times (later, earlier, during the night)
  • changes in appetite and eating habits
  • restlessness
  • feelings of worthlessness and guilt
  • lack of enthusiasm or motivation
  • tiredness and fatigue
  • difficulty concentrating
  • suicidal thoughts

For teens the warning signs can look different to this:

  • They may be negative, cranky, irritable, angry, easily frustrated or prone to outbursts. Often, depressed teens come across primarily as irritable and cranky, more than sad.
  • They may complain of aches and pains (such as headaches or tummy aches) for which there is no medical explanation. 
  • They may feel misunderstood or highly sensitive to criticism. Because of their feelings of worthlessness, depressed teens can be extremely sensitive to failure, rejection or criticism. Overachievers are particularly vulnerable.
  • They might withdraw from some, but not all, of their relationships. Depressed adults tend with pull away from relationships generally but the withdrawal is not as clear in teens. They might pull away from some and keep others, start mixing with a different crowd or just pull away from their parents.
  • There may be problems at school. Difficulty concentrating and low energy may lead to attendance problems, poorer grades and frustration with school work in previously good students.
  • Drug and alcohol abuse.
  • Low self-esteem that might play out as expressions of ugliness, shame, unworthiness and failure.
  • They may spend excessive time on the computer.
  • They may engage in risky behaviour – recklessness, drinking, unsafe sex.

Remember that these warning signs can look like a normal part of adolescence and in many cases that’s exactly what it will be. The symptoms exist on a spectrum and the main thing is to be alive to the duration and severity of the symptoms and the departure from whatever is ‘normal’ for your teen.

If You Suspect Your Teen is Depressed

  • The most important thing is to let them know that depression and anxiety is treatable. The sense of helplessness that comes with depression doesn’t only touch those who are struggling with depression, but also those who love them. Know that even if it doesn’t seem as though the things you are doing are making a difference – they are. See here for ways to support your teen if he or she is struggling with depression. 
  • Things can change and they won’t always feel the way they do today. Let them know this. It’s critical and will make a difference.
  • If there’s any chance your teen might be suicidal, ask them directly if they are having thoughts of suicide. Many people avoid asking the question for fear it will put the idea into their head, but it won’t. It might be the most important question you ask them. If they are suicidal, help them seek professional help straight away through a counsellor, doctor or hospital. To find a suicide helpline in your country, see suicide.org or IASP (International Association for Suicide Prevention).
  • Help them to challenge the negative thinking that contributes to depression. See here for effective ways to do this.
  • Exercise can protect against depression and for mild to moderate depression, exercise causes the same changes in the brain as antidepressants. A 20-30 minute walk five times a week will make a difference.
  • Have your teen assessed by a doctor to determine whether or not medication is appropriate. Medication can be very effective but the effects of antidepressants on the adolescent brain aren’t fully known. Close monitoring is important particularly in the first two months of treatment to pick up any worsening of symptoms, suicidal thinking or further changes in mood or behaviour. If medication is recommended, it should always be used as part of wider treatment plan that includes counselling (to equip them with the skills to protect themselves from depression) and lifestyle factors (such as diet, exercise, mindfulness). Medication isn’t a magic bullet and changes generally won’t be seen for at least a few of weeks. 
  • Understand that depression is physiological. It’s NOT a deficiency in personality or character. Living with a depressed teen might expose you to rejection, conflict, despair and extreme sadness yourself. Living with someone who is depressed requires a heroic effort from those who love them. Understand that your teen is still the child you’ve always known and they aren’t pushing you away or hurting you on purpose. They’re hurting. It’s just what depression does.
  • Do whatever you can to accommodate your teen socially. One of the symptoms of depression is withdrawal from relationships, but isolation will make their depression worse. Anything you can do to support them in maintaining friends or getting out will be important. 
  • Be patient and don’t compare. Depression can take aim at anybody. It is not a reflection on parenting or personality. The most loving, involved parents can have a teen with depression. It’s chemical. It’s important for your own sake that you don’t compare yourself or your family to others. Your teen will come back. Be patient and don’t be disheartened by temporary setbacks – it’s a normal part of the recovery.

And finally …

I’ve yet to meet a parent who isn’t racked with self-doubt now and then, wondering if they’re getting it right. I do it regularly. As in often. Adolescence seems particularly adept at taking any self-doubts we have and flourishing them to spectacular proportions.

Whether your teen is depressed or not, if you are arming yourself with information and making yourself available, know that you’re doing what they need you to do. They’re lucky to have you. Deep down inside them, whether they show you or not, they know it too.

6 Comments

Zoe C

Thank you for reminding me that I should always validate my daughter’s feelings and acknowledge the things she’s been going through. I have noticed that my usually cheerful child has been too moody and down these days and I’m afraid that her high school life is pressuring her too much. It might be better if I can bring up counseling in our next conversation and see if she wants to do it.

Reply
Gooden Center

The younger generation of millennials are experiencing a much higher risk for mental health issues than previous generations. Levels of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are becoming problematically high for today’s teens. While there may be many factors causing these issues, experts believe that more millennials struggle with perfectionism and elevated expectations which can lead to depression.

Reply
Valeri S

This article (and the symptoms link) was very helpful. We are so very concerned about our 15-year old daughter. Thank you.

Reply
Karen Young

You’re very welcome. If you are at all concerned, I would really encourage you to speak with a doctor or a counsellor. I understand how frightening it can be to see your child in pain. Know that you don’t have to do this on your own.

Reply
Adrienne

I found this article extremely helpful as it gives me some tools to recognize when my teen is just plain sad and in a funk or whether there is something deeper and darker happening. More importantly it helps to validate that our child’s pain/sadness can also give us intense pain and self blame and that we must actively try to “shake off” so we can be present and offer help and support. Life can get hard navigating through not only our own personal range of issues and accompaning emotions, but riding the waves of ups and downs of our beloved teen(s)and trying to help and soothe or just be there for them
(or recognize when professional help should be consideredfor the parent and/or teen). Thank you for clues and advice as we navigate our own lives and those of our family members.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

Adrienne you’re so right – between our own issues and theirs, it can be a tough to know exactly what’s going on sometimes. I’m pleased the article was helpful for you. It sounds as though your teen is in wonderful hands.

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When things feel hard or the world feels big, children will be looking to their important adults for signs of safety. They will be asking, ‘Do you think I'm safe?' 'Do you think I can do this?' With everything in us, we have to send the message, ‘Yes! Yes love, this is hard and you are safe. You can do hard things.'

Even if we believe they are up to the challenge, it can be difficult to communicate this with absolute confidence. We love them, and when they're distressed, we're going to feel it. Inadvertently, we can align with their fear and send signals of danger, especially through nonverbals. 

What they need is for us to align with their 'brave' - that part of them that wants to do hard things and has the courage to do them. It might be small but it will be there. Like a muscle, courage strengthens with use - little by little, but the potential is always there.

First, let them feel you inside their world, not outside of it. This lets their anxious brain know that support is here - that you see what they see and you get it. This happens through validation. It doesn't mean you agree. It means that you see what they see, and feel what they feel. Meet the intensity of their emotion, so they can feel you with them. It can come off as insincere if your nonverbals are overly calm in the face of their distress. (Think a zen-like low, monotone voice and neutral face - both can be read as threat by an anxious brain). Try:

'This is big for you isn't it!' 
'It's awful having to do things you haven't done before. What you are feeling makes so much sense. I'd feel the same!

Once they really feel you there with them, then they can trust what comes next, which is your felt belief that they will be safe, and that they can do hard things. 

Even if things don't go to plan, you know they will cope. This can be hard, especially because it is so easy to 'catch' their anxiety. When it feels like anxiety is drawing you both in, take a moment, breathe, and ask, 'Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?' Let your answer guide you, because you know your young one was built for big, beautiful things. It's in them. Anxiety is part of their move towards brave, not the end of it.
Sometimes we all just need space to talk to someone who will listen without giving advice, or problem solving, or lecturing. Someone who will let us talk, and who can handle our experiences and words and feelings without having to smooth out the wrinkles or tidy the frayed edges. 

Our kids need this too, but as their important adults, it can be hard to hush without needing to fix things, or gather up their experience and bundle it into a learning that will grow them. We do this because we love them, but it can also mean that they choose not to let us in for the wrong reasons. 

We can’t help them if we don’t know what’s happening in their world, and entry will be on their terms - even more as they get older. As they grow, they won’t trust us with the big things if we don’t give them the opportunity to learn that we can handle the little things (which might feel seismic to them). They won’t let us in to their world unless we make it safe for them to.

When my own kids were small, we had a rule that when I picked them up from school they could tell me anything, and when we drove into the driveway, the conversation would be finished if they wanted it to be. They only put this rule into play a few times, but it was enough for them to learn that it was safe to talk about anything, and for me to hear what was happening in that part of their world that happened without me. My gosh though, there were times that the end of the conversation would be jarring and breathtaking and so unfinished for me, but every time they would come back when they were ready and we would finish the chat. As it turned out, I had to trust them as much as I wanted them to trust me. But that’s how parenting is really isn’t it.

Of course there will always be lessons in their experiences we will want to hear straight up, but we also need them to learn that we are safe to come to.  We need them to know that there isn’t anything about them or their life we can’t handle, and when the world feels hard or uncertain, it’s safe here. By building safety, we build our connection and influence. It’s just how it seems to work.♥️
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#parenting #parenthood #mindfulparenting
Words can be hard sometimes. The right words can be orbital and unconquerable and hard to grab hold of. Feelings though - they’ll always make themselves known, with or without the ‘why’. 

Kids and teens are no different to the rest of us. Their feelings can feel bigger than words - unfathomable and messy and too much to be lassoed into language. If we tap into our own experience, we can sometimes (not all the time) get an idea of what they might need. 

It’s completely understandable that new things or hard things (such as going back to school) might drive thoughts of falls and fails and missteps. When this happens, it’s not so much the hard thing or the new thing that drives avoidance, but thoughts of failing or not being good enough. The more meaningful the ‘thing’ is, the more this is likely to happen. If you can look behind the words, and through to the intention - to avoid failure more than the new or difficult experience, it can be easier to give them what they need. 

Often, ‘I can’t’ means, ‘What if I can’t?’ or, ‘Do you think I can?’, or, ‘Will you still think I’m brave, strong, and capable of I fail?’ They need to know that the outcome won’t make any difference at all to how much you adore them, and how capable and exceptional you think they are. By focusing on process, (the courage to give it a go), we clear the runway so they can feel safer to crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. 

It takes time to reach full flight in anything, but in the meantime the stumbling can make even the strongest of hearts feel vulnerable. The more we focus on process over outcome (their courage to try over the result), and who they are over what they do (their courage, tenacity, curiosity over the outcome), the safer they will feel to try new things or hard things. We know they can do hard things, and the beauty and expansion comes first in the willingness to try. 
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#parenting #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparent
Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.

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