Depression in Teens: The Warning Signs and How to Help Them Through

Depression in Teens The Warning Signs and How to Help Them Through

One of the things that can make depression so difficult to recognise is that the symptoms can be things we all struggle with from time to time – sadness, hopelessness, lethargy, lack of engagement. When these very normal human experiences happen in a combination, duration or intensity that start to interfere with day-to-day life (school, relationships), it’s possible that depression might be waving a heavy hand over your teen.

During adolescence, the rates of depression skyrocket. According to the World Health Organisation, depression is the number one cause of illness and disability in adolescents. But there’s something else. Research shows that in half of all adults who have problems with their mental health, their symptoms showed up before age 14. Three-quarters had symptoms by age 24. This puts flashing lights around the importance of noticing when our teens are struggling and making sure they get the support they need. The earlier symptoms are caught, the easier it will be to stop those symptoms expanding into something bigger and more difficult to shift.

What are the symptoms of depression in teens to watch out for?

For a diagnosis of depression, a particular cluster of symptoms needs to have been there for at least for two weeks. These symptoms must include at least one of either a depressed mood, or a loss of interest or pleasure in things that were once enjoyable. Many times these will just be a normal part of adolescence and nothing at all to worry about, but if depression is happening, there will be other telltale signs. Here are some to watch out for:

  1. Happiness, anger, indifference – the many faces of depression.

    Depression doesn’t always look like sadness or withdrawal. Some of depression’s classic disguises are:

    •  Anger or irritability.

    Depression often comes with lethargy, pain and/or hopelessness. Understandably, this can make people angrier, more irritable or more impatient than usual.

    •  Happy, but reluctant to spend time with friends or family.

    It’s takes a huge amount of strength to move through the day with depression hanging on. If your teen has depression they might use this strength to put on a happy face, but where there is depression, there is also likely to be increasing withdrawal. It’s very normal for teens to withdraw from family activities – it’s part of them experimenting with their growing independence. The thing to watch out for is if they withdraw more from friends and spend more time on their own than usual.

•  Indifference.
Depression doesn’t just steal happy feelings. Sometimes it can steal all feelings, which can make people seem flat or indifferent. In teens, it can be difficult to tell whether their indifference is just a normal part of adolescence or whether it’s something more. It’s not at all unusual for teens to seem more indifferent and there’s a good reason for this. Dopamine is the chemical that creates the feel-good when we get something we want, and in teens the baseline levels in the brain are lower than they are in adults or children, creating a sense of flatness. There is a way though, to tell the difference between normal adolescence and depression. Watch out for what happens when your teen does something that feels good or when they get something they want. When adolescents do something that feels good, the dopamine levels are higher than they are in adults, so the feel-good feels better. In depression, this doesn’t happen. There is a constant sense that nothing makes a difference, and the flatness or indifference doesn’t shift even when they are doing something that they would normally have enjoyed.

  1. Pulling back from people and activities that were once enjoyable.

    Depression takes away the sense of enjoyment from things that were once enjoyable. Watch out for your teen cancelling plans or making excuses to avoid the things they once wouldn’t have missed. 

  2. Tiredness, lethargy, exhaustion.

    Depression is exhausting and can make people more tired than usual, even if they seem to spend more time sleeping.

  3. Depression hurts, literally.

    Depression is a physical illness, so sometimes the symptoms will show up physically. Watch out for unexplained headaches and migraine, stomach aches, back pain, joint aches and pains. Mood and pain share the same pathways in the brain and they are regulated by the same brain chemicals (serotonin and norepinephrine). When the balance of these neurochemicals is out, pain and mood might both be affected. 

  1. Giving up on things that are important.

    The hopelessness, helplessness and lowered self-esteem that come with depression might see depressed teens giving up on school, friendships, or other things that are important to them.

  2. Change in physical movements and speech.

    Depression can speed up movement (restlessness, agitation, fidgeting, pacing, leg shaking or hand-wringing), or it can slow down movement and speech.

  1. Fuzzy thinking, difficulty concentrating and remembering.

    As well as draining physical and emotional energy, depression can also take a swipe at mental energy. Teens with depression might have difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. Slowed thinking might mean they take longer to collect their thoughts, which can show itself as slowed speech.

  1. Isolating from others.

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting some alone time, but when there’s a noticeable withdrawal, it might be a problem. This might be because being with people no longer brings joy (because nothing brings joy), or because fatigue, or having to put on a happy face when there is no ‘happy’ to hold it up feels too hard. Depression also has a way of convincing even the strongest of minds that they are a burden to those around them and that they are best keeping themselves to themselves.

  2. Change in sleeping habits.

    About 40% of young adults with depression have hypersomnia, which is excessive sleeping. Depression can make people oversleep, or wake earlier than usual and have trouble going back to sleep.

  1. Change in eating habits.

    Depression can create an emptiness that feels unbearable, and people might turn to food to try to fill the void. Eating habits can also change in the other direction, with people eating less.

  2. Change in grades.

    Depression brings fuzzy thinking, low energy and difficulty concentrating. All of this can make studying, listening and learning more difficult. The clue that this is happening will be a change in grades.

  3. Taking more, using more, doing more.

    Depression is more than sadness. It’s an inability to feel joy. This is confusing and frightening for anyone to feel, and as a way to find relief from that, or to distract themselves from their pain, teens might turn to all sorts of risky or addictive behaviour. They might be driven to do more of what has felt good before, or anything that helps them to feel – something. This might look like drinking, drugs, skipping school, gaming excessively, eating excessively or self-harm. 

  4. Self-injury.

    All of us can only push down big feelings for a certain amount of time before they start to push for attention. Physical pain and emotional pain share the same pathways in the brain. When emotional pain feels too big or when it stops making sense, self-harming can be a way to find short but needed relief from the heaviness that comes with depression. Teens don’t do this to manipulate or to control the people around them – they wish they could stop too. They do it to make the pain go away.

If you suspect your teen is depressed …

Depression is such a persuasive beast, and it can convince anyone it’s holding onto that nothing will make a difference. This hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression, and the very thing that gets in the way of healing from it. If you suspect your teen might have depression, the first step is getting a diagnosis so everyone knows what they’re dealing with. A doctor or mental health professional can help with this. Depression doesn’t always need medication, but it might. Having the support of a loving adult will be important for any teen who is trying to find their way through depression. If that supportive and loving adult is you, here are some things you can do to help your teen strengthen and heal:

  • Help them find ways to connect with other teens.

    Healthy friendships can be comfort and protection against the messy times that can come with adolescence. The problem can be finding these friends. School isn’t the only source of friendship. In fact, sometimes school friendships can be a huge source of sadness, fear and hurt. If your teen is struggling with friendships at school, it’s easy for them to be drawn into believing that it will be like this everywhere, but it won’t. Explain that school comes with different pressures and different problems that won’t be found in other environments. There will be people out there who would love to know your teen. Their tribe is out there, but sometimes they might have to look beyond the school ground to find them. Encourage your teen to try activities or join groups to expose themselves to people who share a more similar view of the world than the people at school. Some ways to do this are through sport, drama, music, part-time jobs, art classes, cooking classes. This might not be easy – depression drains energy for everything. Point out to your teen that it’s not necessarily about the activity, but about expanding their opportunity to find the people who will love being with them – and for certain those people are out there.

  • Meditation and exercise.

    Recent research has found that depression can be reduced by up to 40% in two weeks through a combination of thirty minutes of mindful meditation and thirty minutes of exercise (treadmill or static bike), twice a week. Encourage your teen to try anything that will get his or her heart pumping. If they’re depressed, they might not be jumping at the opportunity to exercise. It’s part of what depression does, so you might need to be a bit creative – let one of their chores be to take the dog for a walk, take a sibling to the park to kick a ball, or to walk with you at night-time to keep you company. For the meditation part, the Smiling Mind app is a free app that has guided meditations for teens. It’s an easy and no-hassle way to get started with mindfulness, which has been proven by a mountain of research to be helpful with depression.

  • And while we’re on apps …

    A collection of 13 apps developed by researchers from Northwestern University has been found to reduce depression and anxiety by up to 50%. 

  • Keep it real.

    Push against the ridiculous ideas of how they ‘should’ look by helping them to develop a healthy idea of what ‘beautiful’ means. The concept of beauty isn’t the problem, the definition is. Our teens are barraged with unrealistic and very narrow versions of what ‘body beautiful’ means. Help them to expand this, and to nurture a healthy body image by pointing out the many different versions of body beautiful that you see. This important for teen boys too.

  • When they feel heard they feel cared for.

    Teens, particularly girls, will connect listening with caring. They might not always listen to you, and that’s okay, but if they feel as though you aren’t listening to them, they might feel as though you don’t care. It’s easy to dismiss their worries or mood swings as part of the normal ups and downs of adolescence – and it absolutely might be – but it’s still important to let them know that you hear them, that you notice them, and that you’re there for them.

  • Reduce gaming time – let them game with friends.

    True, it might feel easier to catch a falling star in a glass jar, but anything you do can make a difference. Research has found that teens who spend more than four hours a day gaming can be vulnerable to depression, but there is a way to turn that risk around – let them game with friends. Boys who spend time gaming with friends, or those who are connected to friends either online or in real life appear to be protected from the depressive effects of heavy gaming. Girls who spend a lot of time gaming and who are socially active online are less lonely and less socially anxious, but they also show lower self-esteem. The reason behind your teen’s gaming is important. Researchers suggest that if it seems to be an attempt to ward of loneliness or to cope with the world, it might be time to step in to reduce the time spent at the console. Otherwise, if it’s a way to socialise or to connect with others, either in person or online in interactive games, there’s less likely to be a need for concern.

  • Every day say something positive, and find something positive in everything.

    Even when teens mess up there’s gold in there somewhere, but they (you) might have to work hard to find it. Whether it’s about the way they come to you for advice or to download, whether it’s the way they learn from their experience, or that they didn’t pick a worse choice – there will be something. Try to say something positive every day, even if they don’t seem to take it in. Depression gives teens plenty of reasons to feel ‘less than’, so it’s important to protect them by pushing back against it whenever you can. 

  • Be available, but not intrusive.

    As little people, children turn to their parents for comfort and protection when they scrape against the hard edges of the world. As teens though, they are driven by the very important developmental goal of separating from parents and family. There can often be pressure (from inside of themselves or outside), to deal with things on their own, or at the very least without their parents. This can be tough for everyone. Finding the balance between holding them close and respecting their need for autonomy and independence isn’t easy, but it’s so important. Let your teen know they can talk to you about anything at all. When they do, listen and absorb whatever they tell you, even if it’s shocking. The more they can feel you as a strong, steady presence through their turmoil, the more they’ll trust that you can be there for them, even when things are messy.

  • All of their feelings are okay.

    Feelings that don’t get felt or expressed cause breakage. All feelings are valid and they are all okay to be there. It’s never feelings that cause trouble, it’s the way they are dealt with – or not dealt with. When feelings are pushed down or ignored, they’ll sprout little roots and they’ll grow. If teens don’t feel safe enough to feel anything they’re feeling – angry, confused, scared, guilty, jealous – the risk is they’ll cut themselves off from one feeling, then another and another. When they cut themselves off from bad feelings, it becomes easier to also cut themselves off from the good ones. 

  • Be available on their terms.

    Depression can be relentless, convincing people that they aren’t worthy of love or worthy of the fight. Your teen might crave company and someone to talk to, but at the same time push everyone away. Anything you can to do let them know that you’re there for them on their terms will be important. Some ways to gently do this are by sitting with them and watching whatever they’re watching on tv, or popping into their room just before they fall asleep – it’s often a time when they’re feeling safe and bundled away from the world, and when they might give you a little window into theirs. 

  • Know their ‘normal’.

    There are so many different versions of normal. Your teen’s version of ‘normal’ will change during adolescence, but the more you can get a handle on whatever their ‘normal’ is – feelings, behaviour, habits – the quicker you’ll get a feel for when something is off. This can be particularly difficult during adolescence because they’re changing so much, but trust your instincts. If you’re in doubt, ask. ‘I notice you’re sleeping a lot lately. Do you feel as though you are?’ If they say it’s fine, trust it for a while. If it feels like things aren’t fine, be open to the possibility that you’re absolutely right. Trust your intuition and continue to be gently curious.

  • You don’t have to fix them.

    See them and notice them but remember that you don’t have to fix them. None of us like feeling as though we’re a problem that needs fixing, which is how it can feel when people jump into problem-solving mode, even when it’s done with the most loving intent. Instead, listen with an open heart and an open mind and without judgement. Create opportunities for your teen, but express them incidentally and without expectation. Rather than, ‘You know if you exercised you’d probably feel better,’try, ‘I’m taking the dogs for a walk a little bit later if you want to come.’

And finally …

Adolescence is a time of massive change, which can be confusing for teens and the people who love them. Adding to the confusion, ‘normal’ teenage behaviour and signs of a mental health struggle can look the same. Changes in sleep and eating patterns, moodiness, pulling away from family, irritability – these can all be a very normal part of adolescence, or they can be symptoms of depression. It’s important to let your teen pull away when they need to. The push for independence from family and parents is a really important part of adolescence, but it’s also important to stay gently curious, vigilant and available. The more we notice when those we love are struggling, or the more we listen to the heart whispers when something isn’t right, the more empowered we are to respond in a way that can heal and strengthen.

63 Comments

Jackie

Hi,
My 14 year old son was acting strangely after the first lockdown and was saying he was with a friend and was out a lot. I was suspicious and looked at his photos on his iCloud and discovered he had been smoking grass and hanging out with an older bunch of kids. When I confronted him he got upset and said he was depressed. He had been googling depression on his laptop…
I called the doctor who spoke to him and she said he was suffering from depression. I contacted a counselor and he went once but said it didn’t help. He has a girlfriend now and seems to need to see or speak to her all the time. We are now in the second lockdown and he is struggling to focus on school work too.
I am not sure if he’s depressed again or this is normal teenage behaviour? He’s been very strange about eating and been ‘sick’ a few times lately after dinner.

Reply
Angie

I feel for you. Over the past month, my 15 year old son has changed a lot. Answers questions with one word, behaves robotically, isn’t interested in video games, when they were previously his main source of fun. Not sure how to address it. He keeps his thoughts and feelings very gaurded.

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Naomi G

My son is 18 and should be gratuating from HS in may. He seems to have no interest in school. I mean he is not even trying. He played football…which is his dream. He has recently changed his diet. He has gone from 225lbs to 180. He does not seem to be focused and he foregets a lot. When he was 14 he was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. Although since then he has gotten better, I am concerned now because he seems so withdrawn. I plan to find him a therapist to speak with. This should be one of the happiest times of his life.

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Faith

My 17 year old son has been having problems without us noticing. He started using drugs and alcohol and we never noticed. He dropped his grades and stopped all the sports he loved. He was once diagnosed with peptic ulcer at the age of 14 and he is always in and out of hospital. If the hand is not broken it’s the legs and he complains of headaches. The whole family thinks he wants attention and the father thinks beating him is the best. He was seeing a psychologist who never bothered to give me a call but gave him different types of medication. Now my son is in hospital because of alcohol abuse and is missing out on school. I am the only one visiting and talking to him. My husband says he will chase him away. He says he really want to change that’s why he went to sick for help. How can l help my son. Please help me.

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April W

Leave the sack of shit father who is beating him. You should love your son and want more for him than to have anyone physically abuse him. Get him out of that situation and into counseling. Normally, spouses that beat their kids beat their wives. Find a safe place to go and start over. Stick up for your son and go.

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Kristin

Please get his father away from him. Physical abuse is not the answer to any problem. It sounds like your family needs to be more understanding and supportive of your son. Your son is reaching out for help and your family sees it as attention getting. If his Doctor is not helping, get a new one right away. Please allow your son to open up to you about his feelings by being attentive and nonjudgmental. He needs love and support from you.

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Eli R

My best friend told me that his daughter has been sleeping more than usual since she started high school. I’m glad that you noted that teens who appeal to oversleep suffer from hypersomnia. I will advise my friend to consider going to a Counselor as soon as possible.

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yes

try to talk to him as much as you can by bringing up some conversation. try go out for walk together as family and bring some casual talks then slowly which can mention you guys love him and care about him no matter what.tell him to play games where you all sit most(if posiible shift his desk to common room where everyone can see him tell him that you guys will miss him when he goes to college so its better to be stay cozy).Junior year is stressful for every high school student give him confidence that you all trust him he will try his best whatever result he gets its fine.

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D

I was googling any article about teenage depression and found this. Good article. My son 17 yrs old started showing a few symptoms last year. He stopped swimming ( was in the swim team for 10 yrs) and triathlon. I never thought more about depression until last year it got worse. Recently refused to go to school. Was on therapy for 1 yr, no help. Changed him to different therapist and signed him up for group therapy. The new therapist recommended me to take him to psychiatrist – thinking my son falls in the category of depression. Psychiatrist presribed him for Prozac 10mg. So far okay with med. BTW he is also on Vyvanse for his ADHD. I also started giving him melatonin.My husband does not believe all of the symptoms. He thinks my son is manipulating us. I, myself so confused. My son does not look like sad, more like unfriendly and no interest in having conversation with family. He plays game on iPad literally for hours and hours. He looks normal and happy when he plays games.
Does not want to go out the house at all, other than school and therapy. Just with iPad in the room the entire time. He looks much calmer with med and Melatonin. Refuses even to do homeworks or study. He is junior year and make me so nervous to deal with this, especially with my husband who consistently saying our son is normal, just trying to manipulate. My siblings said the same thing, if he does not want to go to school, tell him to work or do something else. I can’t force him to do that. I truly believe he struggles with something. Feeling hard for no support from surrounding how to handle him. Every one against my thought. My husband and sibings try to convince me, he got depressed because of too much time on device. My argument is he burries himself in device because of the depression. What else can I do to help him come out from this situation?

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Helz

Hiya i believe in you what you are saying my 17 year old son went to school if was a happy child since hes left secondary he passed few exams got himself a place at college doing computin which hes very good at he wasnt there long month if that he hated it because this twat was taking the micky out my son for bein so tall and skinny he got very upset about it all i went crazy with the school and that boy anyway my son will never go back hes got know interest in anything only his ps4 and online connection with his friends he sees them once in a blue moon he locks himself away in his room with his tv gaming stuff and only comes out for bit of food and a drink brings that uo to this room so i dont know what to do with him i feel for you really im in same boat how old is your son ?

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Mbuvi

I would love to hear how this progresses. My son is now 22 and from what the counsellor told me developed depression a few years ago. All of us in the family didn’t understand the problem. We thought he was merely unhappy over his college grades and wanted to drink for fun.

What puzzled me until I took him to a psychiatrist was that he would get drunk, even on stuff he had stolen from home, but on being confronted he would own up to having stolen for the purpose of getting high.

He has asked to be taken for a 3 month rehab course. I am hoping it will help him. He seems so distraught and unhappy, yet he used to be bright and happy in high school.

Your son’s issue resembles his so much.

I am a Kenyan based in Nairobi. I have three other children, all girls and doing alright.

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Melanie R

My almost 16 year old grandson has been exactly like this for at least 2 years….
It truly breaks my heart. I am soooo concerned for this dear boy. If you get any constructive answers Please forward to me. He lives across the country so we only get to see him a couple Times a year. He does want to fly to our home and visit for 10 days this summer so this does make me hopeful.
Thank you so much. PS. He is in counseling….. butNO medicine, which I think would be so helpful.

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Valerie

I hope you managed to get some help with your son. My 16 year old son is exactly the same. He’s currently waiting for therapy through CAMHS but due to Covid, this has all been delayed. He spends every day on an iPad, he can’t bare to be in the same room as any of the family which consists of me, his dad and his 22 year old brother. He has moments of guilt for the way he is but he’s very difficult to be around most of the time. He’s a sensitive, caring boy deep down. The only person he responds to is his grandma, she can be intolerant of his behaviour at times though but still he adores her and loves spending time with her. My 22 year old also surffers with mental health and is currently on 100mg of antidepressants and has counselling. He hasn’t worked for 2 years but he’s a lot more sociable and outgoing so it doesn’t affect him the same way as his brother. I long to live in a normal happy household but I don’t ever see that for our future. I feel like I constantly walk on eggshells around everyone in the house trying to keep the peace. I feel for all the parents on this forum, it’s really tough dealing with mental health and all the judgemental people who don’t understand. I really do hope there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel for the parents and the troubled teens. Best wishes to you all

Reply
John

Karen,
Thank you. Lots that resonates and constructive strategies for supporting my daughter and how to connect with her.

Reply

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We teach our kids to respect adults and other children, and they should – respect is an important part of growing up to be a pretty great human. There’s something else though that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first. 

We can’t stop difficult people coming into their lives. They might be teachers, coaches, peers, and eventually, colleagues, or perhaps people connected to the people who love them. What we can do though is give our kids independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as unacceptable to them. We can teach our kids that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence. 

The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to others should never be used against them by those broken others who might do harm. We have to recognise as adults that the words and attitudes directed to our children can be just as damaging as anything physical. 

If the behaviour is from an adult, it’s up to us to guard our child’s safe space in the world even harder. That might be by withdrawing support for the adult, using our own voice with the adult to elevate our child’s, asking our child what they need and how we can help, helping them find their voice, withdrawing them from the environment. 

Of course there will be times our children do or say things that aren’t okay, but this never makes it okay for any adult in your child’s life to treat them in a way that leads them to feeling ‘less than’.

Sometimes the difficult person will be a peer. There is no ‘one certain way’ to deal with this. Sometimes it will involve mediation, role playing responses, clarifying the other child’s behaviour, asking for support from other adults in the environment, or letting go of the friendship.

Learning that it’s okay to let go of relationships is such an important part of full living. Too often we hold on to people who don’t deserve us. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay and if we can help our children start to think about this when they’re young, they’ll be so much more empowered and deliberate in their relationships when they’re older.♥️
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us. 

Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress. 

Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage. 

Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen,  heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’. 

Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
The SCCR Online Conference 2021 is a wonderful initiative by @sccrcentre (Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution) which will explore ’The Power of Reconnection’. I’ve been working with SCCR for many years. They do incredible work to build relationships between young people and the important adults around them, and I’m excited to be working with them again as part of this conference.

More than ever, relationships matter. They heal, provide a buffer against stress, and make the world feel a little softer and safer for our young people. Building meaningful connections can take time, and even the strongest relationships can feel the effects of disconnection from time to time. As part of this free webinar, I’ll be talking about the power of attachment relationships, and ways to build relationships with the children and teens in your life that protect, strengthen, and heal. 

The workshop will be on Monday 11 October at 7pm Brisbane, Australia time (10am Scotland time). The link to register is in my story.
There are many things that can send a nervous system into distress. These can include physiological (tired, hungry, unwell), sensory overload/ underload, real or perceived threat (anxiety), stressed resources (having to share, pay attention, learn new things, putting a lid on what they really think or want - the things that can send any of us to the end of ourselves).

Most of the time it’s developmental - the grown up brain is being built and still has a way to go. Like all beautiful, strong, important things, brains take time to build. The part of the brain that has a heavy hand in regulation launches into its big developmental window when kids are about 6 years old. It won’t be fully done developing until mid-late 20s. This is a great thing - it means we have a wide window of influence, and there is no hurry.

Like any building work, on the way to completion things will get messy sometimes - and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your young one and it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of a brain in the midst of a build. It’s wondrous and fascinating and frustrating and maddening - it’s all the things.

The messy times are part of their development, not glitches in it. They are how it’s meant to be. They are important opportunities for us to influence their growth. It’s just how it happens. We have to be careful not to judge our children or ourselves because of these messy times, or let the judgement of others fill the space where love, curiosity, and gentle guidance should be. For sure, some days this will be easy, and some days it will feel harder - like splitting an atom with an axe kind of hard.

Their growth will always be best nurtured in the calm, loving space beside us. It won’t happen through punishment, ever. Consequences have a place if they make sense and are delivered in a way that doesn’t shame or separate them from us, either physically or emotionally. The best ‘consequence’ is the conversation with you in a space that is held by your warm loving strong presence, in a way that makes it safe for both of you to be curious, explore options, and understand what happened.♥️
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#mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #parenting
When children are struggling to physically control their bodies, we support them in ways that strengthen. If they’re struggling to write, for example, we don’t punish or shame them. We guide them and show them by doing ‘with’. We also lift them up, ‘I know you can do this. Keep going. You’re getting better and better.’ We also don’t wait for perfection. ‘You wrote a number 4! Nice work you!’ We sit with and do with, over and over. We also give them a break when they get frustrated or upset.

It’s the same for behaviour. Big behaviour comes from big feelings or attempts to meet valid needs. (And all needs are valid.) It is this way for all of us. When we’re upset or angry, the last thing we need is for someone to tell us we can’t be, or to lecture or shame us. Kids are the same.

With kids and teens though, there can be a sense that we need to ‘do’ something in response to big behaviour, so we lay down punishments or consequences with a view to teaching a lesson.

But - unless the consequences make sense (punishments never do), they risk teaching lessons we don’t want them to learn:
- that the environment is fragile and won’t tolerate mistakes. 
- that secrecy and lies are a safer option than coming to us. 
- shut down. They put a lid on expressing big feelings. The feelings will still be there, but they aren’t getting the vital guidance from us on how to calm them (through co-regulation). The risk is that they will eventually call on unhealthy ways to calm the fierce stress neurobiology that comes with big feelings.

Consequences have to make sense. Maybe it’s to repair or reconnect. Discipline has to teach. It’s not about what we do to them but about what we nurture within them. Is that trust and the capacity to learn and grow? Or is it fear or shame.

Often the only response that’s needed is a loving conversation with us. ‘What happened?’ ‘What were you hoping would happen?’ ‘What did you need that you didn’t get?’ What can you do differently next time?’ ‘How can you put things right?’ Because if discipline is about learning, the most powerful consequence is the strong, loving conversation with us that lights their way and speaks softly to the safety of us.♥️

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