They’ll Do What? The What and the Why of the Changes that Come With Adolescence.

They'll Do What? The What and the Why of the Changes that Come With Adolescence.

The changes we see in our kids when they hit adolescence can leave many of us with a sense of whiplash. The tiny adorable humans who wanted to us to read to them, sing to them, cuddle them, kiss them goodbye at parties, at some point become … different. Loved, wonderful, funny, creative, but not so tiny and adorable – and don’t even joke about kissing them goodbye at parties. Or anywhere else where there might be actual people.

We blame raging hormones, lack of sleep, friends, ‘that show’ they’ve been watching, social media. Then there are the days – plenty of them – that we blame ourselves, wondering what we did or didn’t do that could possibly explain what’s going on.

What’s going on is adolescence. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. The changes they are going through are all being driven by a brain that is undergoing a massive renovation. It has to be this way to get them ready to be healthy, strong, productive, happy adults.

If you can understand what is happening in the adolescent brain, what they are doing will make sense. You’ll still find yourself baffled, angry, bewildered, sad – all of those things – but hopefully less than you would otherwise. You’re building humans, great ones, and as with anything that is worth the effort, it won’t always run to schedule, it won’t look the way you thought it would, and some days – probably plenty – it will be a red hot mess.

The brains are developing into the adult versions. In the same way they wobbled and fell when they were little people learning to walk, they will wobble and fall as they learn how to be adults. Keeping this in mind will help things run smoother.

The Changes that Every Adolescent Will go Through

  1. Adolescence – The brain gets a makeover.

    The changes in the brain during adolescence are dramatic. They have to be – the transition from childhood to adulthood wouldn’t happen without some serious neural remodelling. During adolescence, they will be driven to experiment with the world and their place in it, try new things (important for their new adult roles) and become more independent. Every one of these changes is there to fulfil an important developmental role and bridge the vast gap they will travel between childhood and adulthood. The results will be worth it but like any big renovation, things will get messy for a while.

  2. Adolescence lasts until early to mid 20s.

    Adolescence would be a breeze if all that our kids needed to be healthy, well-adjusted adults was the adult hardware. Humans are complicated and making the fully developed versions takes a lot of experiencing, experimenting and learning. And time. It takes a lot of time. Our kids will be under the influence of an adolescent brain until they are about 24 years old. Best save your exhale for then.

  3. The brain develops from the back (primal, instinctive) to the front (measured, rational).

    Throughout the course of adolescence, the brain will develop slowly from the back to the front. The emotional, impulsive limbic system will develop first and will therefore have most of the control over behaviour and decisions. The sensible, rational prefrontal cortex won’t get involved until early to mid-20s. During this time, it will be as though our adolescents are at the wheel of a high-performance car, but without any brakes. Given the pull away from their parents, they will also be without a reliable GPS. It would be easy to roll your eyes at evolution and wonder what it was thinking, giving our adolescents all that power minus the sensibility. Remember it is all to get them ready for adulthood. They need the courage and the boldness to explore the unfamiliar and try out new things. There are so many things they need to experience on their way to adulthood that might not happen if they were able to talk themselves out of it. 

  4. Impulse control. Impulse what?

    With the prefrontal cortex still on its way, adolescents will often think it or feel it, then say it or do it. Though they may not always be biologically able to keep a hold of their impulses, they need to know when they’ve gone too far. The repetitive reminder of what’s expected will get tiring – massively so – but it will eventually lead them to internalise the rules and respond to the world (and their parents!) as emotionally balanced, emotionally responsible adults. Yes. Bring that on.

  5. The adolescent brain interprets emotion differently to an adult brain.

    Research has shown that teens and adults each use a different part of the brain when interpreting what other people are feeling. Adults use the rational prefrontal cortex to interpret facial expressions. Teens use the amygdala, which is primed to interpret emotions as a threat or hostile attack. The amygdala runs on impulse and gut reaction, so you can see how that’s going to end up. Teens will often read anger or aggression when there was none. This is why you might find yourself suddenly in the midst of battle with your adolescent with no idea how you got there. You got there because their brain thought you were up for a fight, and it helped them put on the gloves.

  6. Sometimes they’ll need to ‘borrow’ your pre-frontal cortex.

    As the parent who is often on the end of the misinterpretation, (you, so innocently: ‘So who else is going to the party?’ them: ‘What? Don’t you trust me or something?! I can’t believe you don’t trust me!’), know that it comes with the territory of adolescence. With the ‘calm down, think about it’ part of their brains still coming, they’ll need to borrow yours sometimes. When you are faced with a flare-up, try to breathe and let the wave wash over you. It will often pass in a minute or two provided that nothing happens to stoke the flames, (like, you know, if you breathe too loudly/too softly/at all). When things have settled down, bring your calm and sensibility to the table. Speak as though you are the person you want them to be. This isn’t easy and it doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries around behaviour. What it means is not giving oxygen to the fire. Don’t worry if you get drawn in to the argument sometimes. It won’t hurt them to see that you’re human.

  7. They can learn things quickly. But only if they want to.

    The brain of an adolescent has an oversupply of neurons (brain cells) and an undersupply of strong connections between the neurons. The neurons are responsible for processing information, so the more neurons there are, the more potential there is to learn and process information – but only if the connections between the neurons are strong and plentiful. It is both the number of neurons and the complexity and strength of the connections between the neurons that determine how effective the brain is. During adolescence there is an abundance of neurons, but not enough connections. Think of their brains like baby foals – bouncing with energy and enthusiasm, but waiting for direction. The direction comes as the connections between neurons strengthen. 

    The neuroscientists have a saying that they bring out at neuroscientist dinners and poetry nights – ‘the neurons that fire together, wire together’. When neurons in the brain fire together, they strengthen and build connections. Firing happens through experience, learning and repetition. Every time your adolescent does something, the relevant neurons fire and form connections with other neurons. The more they fire, the stronger the connections. The stronger the connections, the more efficient that part of the brain will be. 

  8. Whatever they do a lot of, they will get good at.

    The adolescent brain has a spectacular capacity for learning. Because of this, whatever the brain does a lot of during adolescence, it will become really good at. Sport, drama, art, texting, video games, lying on the couch, arguing, chemistry, music – anything. 

  9. Use it or lose it.

    The neuroscientists clearly know their way around a rhyming word. ‘Use it or lose it’ is another fave and refers to the withering away of neurons that aren’t needed. This is an important part of the brain perfecting itself to be the most efficient brain it can be. There is only a limited amount of space in your head. You can’t grow your skull, which is a pity, so the brain keeps the neurons it uses the most and get rid of the ones it doesn’t. By ding this, the brain is able to use the space and energy to strengthen the sills and qualities that most important, as in most used. It’s evolution’s way of customising the brain to suit. Nice to have a limited edition.

    For example, if your teen plays music, the ‘playing music’ neurons will strengthen and the skill will develop quicker and stronger than it would during adulthood. If your teen doesn’t play music, the brain will think there is no need for these neurons, at least for the moment, and they will fade away. It doesn’t mean that the ability to play music is lost, it just means that the ability to learn won’t be as rich as it is in adolescence. 

  10. They are just as capable as adults when it comes to making decisions but …

    With a billion new neurons for added firepower, the adolescent brain is a very capable one. Adolescents will start to have the same decision-making and processing skills of an adult. They have an extraordinary capacity to take in information, analyse it and come up with creative solutions. The problem is that this process often gets hijacked by emotions, resulting in emotional, impulsive decisions that aren’t always great ones. Again, this is the work of a blazing limbic system (emotional, instinctive) without a fully-charged pre-frontal cortex to add sensibility.

    When you can, slow things down and encourage your adolescent to talk to you about the pros and cons of a decision. Let them know that you’re not trying to talk them out of anything (even if you are, it will be more likely to happen if they get there themselves), but that you want to know that they’ve thought about things. It will give their pre-frontal cortex an opportunity to get involved and bring some rationality to the situation.

  11. When making decisions, they’ll maximise the positive and minimise the negative.

    Adolescents will evaluate the pros and cons of things differently to kids and adults and again, it’s because of the changes in the limbic area of their brains and the unavailability of the pre-frontal cortex. Their focus will be drawn to the positive, feel-good, fun potential of a decision but they will minimise the possible negative or dangerous consequences.

    Because of this, they can be wonderfully bold, daring and courageous, but they can also tend towards risky, dangerous behaviour, something that is given extra life by peer pressure. Fill their heads with the stories you hear about things going wrong so they can be exposed to the potential for risk. They might not hold on to the information enough for it to influence their decisions, which is why you’ll need to remind them often. And be ready for the adolescent eye roll.

  12. They will be hungry for new experiences. 

    Dopamine is responsible for the feel-good rush we get when we get something we want. It is there to make sure we keep doing the things that are good for us by reinforcing the behaviours that keep us alive. It is released when we try new things, do something brave and bold, eat food we want, fall in love, connect, exercise, have sex. It can also reinforce dangerous behaviour, or healthy behaviour in unhealthy ways. 

    In adolescents, the baseline level of dopamine is lower than it is for adults, but when it is triggered it is released at a higher rate. This means adolescents get more of a rush than adults do. When dopamine drops, adolescents feel bored and indifferent – they need novelty. They are driven to try new experiences, which can be exciting and lead them to adventure or to the things that light them up in wonderful ways – or it can lead to disaster. With the need for a dopamine high and the ‘dumb idea, don’t do it’ part of their brain underdeveloped, adolescents will be vulnerable to risky behaviour. This might play out through sexual behaviour (sexting, promiscuity, unsafe sex), drugs, drinking, driving, skateboarding downhills into traffic, sneaking out late at night. It can also play itself out in safe ways – on the sports field, competition, performing (doing anything on stage), trying new and interesting things, travelling, becoming an activist.

    Teens feel really good when they try new things, and a healthy move towards independence and adulthood will involve plenty of new things. We want them to explore, be creative, experiment, figure out who they are in the world and where they fit in and to do this, nature has given them a brain that rewards them for novelty.

  13. You’ll be tempted to put it down to laziness – but …

    With lower baseline levels of dopamine adolescents will seem unmotivated and lazy. They’re not, it’s just harder for them to find the ‘on’ switch. This doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to opt out of the things they need to do, but if you have to remind them a few times that something needs to be done, don’t take it personally. They’re not deliberately trying to be difficult. They all have brilliance in them. Just watch them go when they find something they love doing or something that’s important to them.

  14. They will be vulnerable to addiction.

    Because the adolescent brain is developing, it is wide open to being changed by experiences – good and bad. Think about it like this – when a house is fully built, the rain or bad weather will come and go no problems at all. Put a house in a storm when it doesn’t have a roof though, and it’s a very different story. The adolescent brain is under construction. Exposing it to substances that it was never meant to deal with, such as alcohol and drugs, can have long-term effects and be more damaging that it might be during adulthood.  

  15. Stress. They need it just like Goldilocks would have it.

    Stress – not too much, not too little, but just right. Stress is a very normal part of life and living well means being able to manage it and bounce back quickly. Too much stress (such as constant fighting between parents, bullying) will interfere with the developing brain, potentially causing problems for attention, learning and memory and creating a vulnerability to depression and anxiety. Too little stress, as in the parent who does everything and expects nothing, will steal the opportunities for their adolescents to learn how to manage stress, and to strengthen their resilience, confidence and independence.

  16. They will feel things deeper and more intensely than they ever have before.

    Adolescents will experience the giddy highs and devastating lows of emotions – fear, anger, excitement, sexual attraction, joy. At times this will feel scary for them because it will feel as though they have no control over it. With the pre-frontal cortex mostly ‘offline’, their control over intense emotions will be limited, but there is also a good reason for this.

    The ability to feel this depth of emotion, though overwhelming at times, is a healthy part of the developing brain. Emotion is there to evoke a response – to move people into action. For adolescents, it is to move them towards independence and brave behaviour, not to disconnect them from you. Try to give them the space to feel their feelings and to experiment with managing them. Let them know when they’ve gone too far, but it’s important not to punish the intense emotion out of them. We want them to be passionate, to experience deep love and joy and to be moved into action when something doesn’t feel right. First though, they have to learn how to manage their emotions and turn down the heat when they need to.

    They can only learn this through experience. Feeling big, unfamiliar feelings can be scary so they will be more likely to let it all out with the people they feel safest with. That would be the ones who have been there from the beginning and who they know will be there no matter what. That would be you. When you’re in the thick of battle, take comfort from the fact that your adolescent, as unadorable as he or she might be right now, is progressing exactly as nature and evolution intended. If that fails, take comfort from something high carb and delicious.

  17. Their need for attachment will still be strong, but the target will change.

    We humans have a vital need for attachment – to be seen, safe, soothed and secure. As we grow older, the need for attachment doesn’t disappear – it never will – but the people who meet it will change. Adolescents will pull away from their parents and towards their peers to meet their needs. This is normal and healthy. Their brains are set up for this. Sometimes this will be a struggle. With so many adolescent brains doing adolescent things, the time will be ripe for peer problems but it will also be ripe for learning – how to read people, how to respond, the type of people they want to be with and the ones they don’t.

  18. Being disconnected from their friends will feel like death.

    Being connected to their friends can feel like a matter of life or death. It sounds dramatic and for them, it is. Any parent who has stood between an adolescent and their friends would know the angst that comes with that – for them and you – but there is a good reason for this. For all mammals throughout history (think cave-people) and in nature, exclusion from the tribe means has meant almost certain death. For our adolescents, that’s how it feels when we stop them from connecting with their peer tribe – it feels like death. It doesn’t mean you’ll let them do everything they want to do to keep up with their peers – you can see around corners that they can’t – but understand the intense reaction you might get when you say no. Lucky we’re tough enough to cope.  

  19. The teen brain is getting stronger at thinking abstractly.

    Adolescents will start to think about the world in new and interesting ways. They are developing the ability to think abstractly, which will also open up the capacity to see themselves through the eyes of another. This is something new for them, and they’ll be wobbly at the wheel to start. They might worry – a lot – about what other people are thinking of them. Reassure them that as much as they are worried about what their friends and their not-really-friends-but-I-know-them are thinking of them, those people will be worried about the very same thing. They might not believe you, which is why you might need to believe it enough for both of you.

  20. They’ll be thinking about the person they want to be.

    During adolescence there is an increase in the production of receptors for oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone’. This has the potential to ignite feelings of self-consciousness and adolescents will often feel as though the world is watching everything they do. The upside of this is that it encourages them to think about the kind of person they want to be and the kind of world they want to live in. In true adolescent form, they might be very black and white about this until their brain develops enough to open them up to the grey.

  21. Their sleep cycle will change.

     Adolescent brains are busy brains, and nothing that works that hard can thrive without rest. They will need 9-10 hours of sleep. During adolescence their circadian rhythm shifts by up to three hours. This means that they will be likely to stay up about three hours later and will want to sleep in about three hours later than they used to. Sleep helps with the construction and wiring of the brain to be the best brain it can be for them. Tired humans are cranky humans. Whenever you can, let them sleep in.

But they need you more than ever.

Adolescence can be a restless time for everyone, but it is this restlessness that ignites change and growth, not just in themselves but in the world. We want them to explore the world, experiment with it, find their independence, feel deeply, love deeply, speak out against that which needs changing, find their passion, be curious, embrace the things that feel right and walk away from the things that don’t.

There are important jobs they need to do and their brain is changing to give them the firepower to do this. The spirit of adolescence is a wonderful, exciting thing and our adolescents are doing what they need to do to be healthy, happy adults. They are trying to find their own independent place in the world.  It won’t always look the way we want it too and it won’t always feel good, but it wasn’t meant to.  Things will be different for a while but they still need you, more than ever. They won’t always show you, but they do.

34 Comments

Pauline

Great to read after the arguments I’m now having with my 14 year old. It’s hard to hold back my own anger (and sadness) at times.

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Hey Sigmund

Oh Pauline, I know! It’s so hard not to get angry sometimes. It can feel sad and confusing when it feels as though your teen is pushing against you, but know that the arguments you’re having are completely normal. Don’t worry if you get angry back sometimes. We’re only human and it’s going to happen. It doesn’t hurt our teens to see their impact sometimes. The main thing is to do what you can to restore the connection with them afterwards. Even if it feels as though they aren’t interested in that connection, it’s important for them to know that it’s there. It sounds as though your 14 year old is travelling along exactly as they are meant to. Not always easy being the parent on the end of that – I know!

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Andy

Thank you! Vary helpful and makes me feel less of a failure as a parent!

Good useful tips for working with the teenage brain.

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Nancy

I’m enjoying your articles so much. Everyone with teens should be reading them. At an 82-yer-old grandmother, I’m trying to absorb everything you’re saying since my 15-year-old grandson and his father ar living with me. I’m trying!!!!

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Hey Sigmund

Thanks Nancy. I love that you are so open to understanding what your grandson is going through as he moves through his adolescence. He is lucky to have you!

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Nikki

Hey Sigmund has been a lifesaver for us. Thank you for the wise and comforting words!

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Isabelle

I love this article .! Well written ,it covers a lot and I do appreciate the humor . Love the line : lucky we are tough enough to cope!
Yep,so I’m really lucky with 4 teenagers right now and a 9 and 11 year old .
I wish I had known and read more when my oldest was younger,he is 22 now, but I devour such articles ,books and podcasts now. It helps a lot and it’s never too late to learn to be calm and not take it personally and let them learn what they need to .
Stay the course parents!

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Hey Sigmund

Thanks Isabelle. What an amazing (and lengthy!) adolescent adventure you’re on. You’ll have an extraordinary toolbox by the end of it!

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Dr Nicki Korman LMFT

Great article! As a marriage and family therapist I find these articles very helpful to my clients and I pass them on and post them in my waiting room .

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Cath Hakanson

I have enjoyed this article – it is nice to have an overview of what to expect with adolescence. What’s that saying – pre-warned is pre-armed!

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TN mom

I’m still not convinced.. Adults process differently due to a fully formed prefrontal cortex and aren’t a good comparison (plus there is also an epidemic of sleep issues with adults as well). If we factor in neuroplasticity and consider these issues don’t seem to appear in less electronically connected places in the world (or in history when we were less connected) it seems possible there is a connection. Other research also points to healthier outcomes (academic, mental health, physical health, etc.) for teens that get to bed by 10 or 11 pm. Food and exercise, which can short circuit the sleep cycle are also part of the equation (ie: caffene, sunlight, etc.) The body is engineered in amazing ways and the mind, body, and spirit are all connected.

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Hey Sigmund

There is no disagreement at all that certain experiences – light, food, exercise etc change the brain. This is neuroplasticity – the changes in the brain that happen because of experience. There are also developmental changes that happen in the brain with the onset of adolescence, mostly with the purpose of getting young people ready for adulthood. These developmental changes are widely accepted in neuroscience and have come about because developments in technology have meant that we can actually see these changes in the brain and the way the brain develops throughout adolescence. There is definitely a connection between light and sleep but there are also changes that come about independently of this. Adolescents need at least 9-10 hours sleep which is why it is important to let the sleep whenever they have the opportunity. If an adolescent gets to sleep earlier – perfect – they’ll have a much better chance at getting their 9-10 hours, but keeping in mind that adolescence lasts until 24, it’s just not possible to ‘make’ an adolescent go to sleep. We can advise them and try to influence them and encourage them to switch off devices at a reasonable time, but generally speaking, they are not biologically able to go to sleep before a certain time.

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Gill

I love all the ‘hey Sigmund’ articles and read the new ones as soon as they are to hand. Thanks. I also recommend them to others when such conversations crop up.

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Lynn

In a perfect world, each community could take an engaged part of raising our youth by providing mentors, internships in various fields of expertise in the early years of adolescence when our youth are looking for new and exciting pathways to explore. We could provide more exciting options in the middle school years for students/teenagers and their peers to buddy up with an adult active in the area of their choice to allow exploration/education to stimulate those nuerons and connect with their emotions in areas they are excited in learning about. This would also provide inter-generational bonds in our community as adults retired or nearing retirement find a new productivity in their life. With new fervor in any community involving the youth, our communities would naturally experience growth through education, money through grant applications, and attract the younger family population that could provide a larger tax base through small business growth patterns. A win situation for all.

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TNmom

Great article! I disagree with the sleep assessment though. Neuroplasticity is more likely to explain the shift along with artificial light through receptors in the eyes interrupting their sleep cycle. Young people have their days and nights mixed up and it is very unhealthy physically and emotionally. There is also a lot of risky behavior taking place at late hours. We should not be encouraging that on a regular basis. It would also have been great to see a mention of how food and exercise factor in. Overall a great article. Thank you.

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Hey Sigmund

Yes light can certainly exacerbate the problem but there seems to be something more than this that happens around the time of puberty, as similar circadian rhythm delays have also been found around puberty in other mammals, not just humans. Given that there is a noticeable circadian delay around puberty for a number of species, it is likely that there are intrinsic biological processes involved, not just lifestyle, social and behavioural factors. It is well documented that light, such as the light from iPhones and iPads and other devices can also interrupt the sleep cycle, and it is important to make this information available to adolescents and encourage them away from devices an hour before bed if we can. If this was the sole reason for the circadian changes in adolescence though, we would also see similar circadian delays in adults (as they also use devices before bed), which we don’t see evidence of. Though many adults stay up later, this generally isn’t a biological drive as it is in adolescence.

You are absolutely right about risky behaviour taking place late at night and it is probably a universal worry for parents of teens and young adults when they go out late at night. On the positive though, it is also when teens can be really productive and creative. The point is that they aren’t physically able to fall asleep earlier, so if we can work with it where we can, say by letting them study until late at night and sleep in in the mornings, we are working with rather than against their natural biology.

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LuAnn

Excellent. A great reassurance for us parents of teens and tweens. We needed this. Thank you.

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Robert Hammel

Great and comprehensive article. Thank you. I just shared it everywhere. 🙂

In my personal (I have a 13 yr old and a 20 yr old) and professional experience (in the helping professions), is that teenagers have outrageous amounts of pure energy and crankypant stubbornness.

In fact, they ooze stubbornness. The kind that parents can’t possibly match — and therefore, they will grind you down inch by inch in every little power struggle you have with them according to Barbara Coloroso.

The only way to combat their mucho energy is to be flexible, educated, and maybe especially empathic with them understanding that their brains are slightly broken. Some more than others lol

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Wayne

I agree with many other parents- we need this type of information and reminders of what development involves. We have four teenagers at this time in our life. Even as they misinterprete our response to mistakes made as an attack, I find that I also misinterprete there response as an “I don’t care” or “I don’t like you”. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

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Hey Sigmund

Wayne you’re absolutely right. It is so easy to misinterpret our adolescents. With so much potential for taking things the wrong way, how can things not get messy!

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Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
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#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
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#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

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