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Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them

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Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them

Even if toxic people came with a warning tattooed on their skin, they might still be difficult to avoid. We can always decide who we allow close to us but it’s not always that easy to cut out the toxics from other parts of our lives. They might be colleagues, bosses, in-laws, step-someones, family, co-parents … and the list goes on.

We live our lives in groups and unless we’re willing to go it alone – work alone, live alone, be alone (which is sometimes tempting, but comes with its own costs) – we’re going to cross paths with those we would rather cross out.

With any discussion of toxic people, it’s important to understand that you can’t change anybody, so it’s best to stop trying. Save your energy for something easier, like world peace. Or landing on a star. The thing is though, when you do something differently, things can’t help but change for you. If it’s not the people in your radar, it will be their impact on you.

Personal power is everything to do with what you believe - and nothing to do with what they think. Click To Tweet

Co-existing with toxics means going around them to set your own rules, then accepting that you don’t need them to respect those rules to claim your power. Here are some powerful, practical ways to do that:

  1. Be empowered by your motives.

    Sometimes toxic people will trap you like a hunted thing – you know you don’t have to give in to them but you also know that there will be consequences if you don’t. The secret is to make your decision from a position of power, rather than feeling controlled. In the same way there is something they want from you, there will always be something you want from them (even if it is to avoid more of their toxicity). Decide that you’re doing what you’re doing to control them and their behaviour – not because you’re a victim of their manipulation. Personal power is everything to do with what you believe and nothing to do with what they think.

  2. Understand why they’re seeing what they see in you.

    Toxic people will always see in others what they don’t want to acknowledge about themselves. It’s called projection. You could be the kindest, most generous, hardest working person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out trying to convince you that you’re a liar, unfair, nasty or a slacker. See it for what it is. You know the truth, even if they never will.

  3. They might get worse before they leave you alone.

    Think of it like this. Take a little human who is throwing a tantrum. When you stand strong and don’t give in, they’ll go harder for a while. We all have a tendency to do that – when something we’re doing stops working, we’ll do it more before we stop. Toxic people are no different. If they’ve found a way to control and manipulate you and it stops working, they’ll do more of whatever used to work before they back off and find themselves another target. Don’t take their escalation as a stop sign. Take it as a sign that what you’re doing is teaching them that they’re old behaviour won’t work anymore. Keep going and give them time to be convinced that you’re not going around on that decision you’ve made to shut them down.

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  4.  Be clear about your boundaries.

    You can’t please everyone, but toxic people will have you believing that you can’t please anyone – so you try harder, work harder, compromise more. It’s exhausting. Toxic people will have your boundary torn down and buried before you even realise you had one there. By knowing exactly what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t – and why – you can decide how far you’re willing to let someone encroach on your boundaries before it’s just not worth it any more.  Be ready to listen to that voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. It’s powerful and rarely wrong (if ever). Whether someone else thinks it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s right or wrong for you. Let that guide your response and when you can, who’s in and who’s out.

  5. You don’t have to help them through every crisis.

    The reason that toxic people are often in crisis is because they are masterful at creating them. It’s what they do – draw breath and create drama. You’ll be called on at any sign of a crisis for sympathy, attention and support, but you don’t have to run to their side. Teach them that you won’t be a part of the pity party by being unemotional, inattentive, and indifferent to the crisis. Don’t ask questions and don’t offer help. It might feel bad because it’s not your normal way, but remember that you’re not dealing with a normal person.

  6. You don’t need to explain.

    No is a complete sentence and one of the most powerful words in any language. You don’t need to explain, justify or make excuses. ‘No’ is the guardian at your front gate that makes sure the contamination from toxic people doesn’t get through to you. 

  7. Don’t judge.

    Be understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first. You can reject behaviour, requests and people without turning yourself into someone you wouldn’t like to be with. Strength and compassion can exist beautifully together at the edge of your boundaries. It will be always easier to feel okay about putting up a boundary if you haven’t hurt someone else in the process.

  8. Own your strengths and your weaknesses.

    We are all a messy, beautiful, brilliant work in progress. Once you are aware of your flaws, nobody can use them against you. Toxic people will work hard to play up your flaws and play down your strengths – it’s how they get their power. If you’re able to own your strengths and weaknesses, what they think won’t matter – because you’ll know that your strengths are more than enough to make your flaws not matter, or at the very least, to make them yesterday’s news.

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  9. Don’t expect change.

    You can’t reason with toxic people – you just can’t. That’s one of the things that makes them toxic. Decide where you stand, and then stand strong. You don’t need to do any more than that. They will try to make you bend, flex and break at the seams. Because you have an open heart, the thought that someone might misunderstand you, disapprove of you or dislike you might get to you, but remember that you’re not dealing with someone who is motivated by what’s good for you or your relationship. It’s always about them and it always will be. Decide that sometimes you’re going to make it about you. It’s what you deserve.

  10. Choose your battles wisely.

    Dealing with toxic people takes an enormous amount of energy. You don’t have to step up to every battle you’re called to. For many toxic people, conflict is the only way they can connect. It’s the way they feel alive, noticed and important. Save your energy for the people who matter.

  11. Don’t be the victim.

    People can be a pity sometimes, but you’re not one of those. Decide that you won’t be anyone’s victim. Instead, be the one with the boundaries, the strength, the smarts and the power to make the decisions that will help you to thrive. Even if they’re decisions you’d rather not be making, own that it’s a move you’ve made to get what you want, rather than to bend to someone else’s will. You’re amazing, you’re strong and you’re powerful – which is why you’re nobody’s victim. Nobody’s.

  12. Focus on the solution rather than the problem.

    Toxic people will have you bending over backwards and tied with a barbed wire ribbon to keep you there. What will keep you stuck is playing over and over in your head the vastness of their screwed up behaviour. It will keep you angry, sad and disempowered. If you have to make a decision that you’d rather not make, focus on the mess that’s it’s cleaning up, not the person who is making your life hell. Don’t focus on their negative behaviour – there’s just too much there to focus on and it will never make sense to you anyway.

  13. Surround yourself with people who will give as much as you do.

    You might not have as much freedom in certain parts of your life to decide who’s in and who’s out but when it comes to the ones you open your heart to, you absolutely have the choice. Choose wisely and don’t be afraid to let them know what they mean to you. 

  14. Forgive – but don’t forget.

    Forgiveness is about letting go of expecting things to be different. You’ll never be able to control the past but you can control how much power it has to impact your future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting the behaviour or approving of it – it means that you’re not going to be controlled by it any more. It’s something done in strength and with an abundance of self-love. Don’t forget the way people treat you – for better or worse – and use that to help you live with clarity and resolve.

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  15. Understand the cycle.

    There is a pattern many toxic people follow. First they’re charming. This is when they’ll get you. They’ll be attentive, loving and impressive – but all of it will be to get you into position. Next, when they have your trust you’ll start to see the cracks. There will be mounting demands and a rising pull on your emotional resources. Then there will be the crisis – the test. You’ll feel stuck – whether or not you give them what they want, you’ll feel compromised. Finally, you’ll do what they want – because you don’t want to be ‘unreasonable’ or cause more drama – and then they’re back to charming you and giving you just enough of what you need to make you stay. The problem is that this never lasts for long and always comes at a cost. Be aware of the cycle and use it to build your boundaries on an even more solid foundation. If you can’t get out of the relationship, know that you’re not staying because you’ve allowed yourself to be fooled or blindsided, but because you have your eyes on something bigger that you need.

  16. You don’t need their approval. You really don’t.

    Don’t look for their approval or their appreciation – you won’t get it unless it comes with conditions, all of which will dampen you. You’ll constantly feel drained because they’ll draw on your open heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, your compassion and your humanity – and they will give absolutely nothing back. Give what you need to, but don’t give any more than that in the hope of getting something back. There will never be any more than minimal, and even that will come with conditions. Whatever you do, know why you’re doing what you’re doing and make sure the reasons are good enough.

The world is full of people whose behaviour is breathtakingly damaging. That doesn’t mean that we have to open ourselves up to the damage. The secret to living well means living deliberately. Knowing the signs of toxic behaviour and responding deliberately and in full clarity to toxic people will reduce their impact and allow you to keep yourself whole and empowered – and you’ll always deserve that.

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264 Comments

Ji

I’ve very recently moved to my aunts place where my cousins (one boy, one girl) live too. I moved out from my mother’s place because she decided to buy a house too far from the center of the city (2hours lost per day) although I would really prefer living with my beautiful mom… I don’t understand her choice.
I’ve always felt kind of nauseous around my aunt, ever since I was a smaller kid. I always thought my cousin (girl) was so bitchy and such, but I loved my cousin (boy). It is only as I started living at their place that I felt this toxicity really strongly. I realized my aunt’s toxicity had been given off to my cousin(girl) whereas my cousin(boy) had unconsciously created a self-defense mechanism against this. Indeed, I never really understood why he would always (95%) answer to his mother or sister’s call ”mhhm.” or ”whaat.” and he would stay very silent when we would eat dinner together or things like this. Interesting thing, my cousin is a very smart, cool, funny, and sportive guy. He’s like my favorite member of the whole family after my mom (and I have quite a big family). So I noticed that his defense mechanism – which was totally unconscious – was to avoid the toxicity; so as the articles talks about it.
Now I’ve been put up front to a bigger problem; I just can’t leave my cousins in this situation. Whenever my aunt is away from my cousin (girl), she is a totally different person, she is like a pure angel and I can see it in her eyes directly! I don’t know what to do. Do I have the strength to make things better, or is it not worth my time? I have a LOT of things I need to do on my time here. And I strongly feel this is not one of them… F*ck.
Last point. What is really f*cked up about this whole story is that my aunt is really screwed. Like she does actions that seem nice but deep inside she is absolutely totally scared and insecure. She is so struck with this self-confidence thing that it’s like something obsessive and really f*cked up.
I don’t know if I have the strength to climb this specific mountain or if I should just abandon my cousins… or maybe come back at a time where I stand stronger than ever. I don’t know. But I do know, that if this toxicity attains me any longer I will gtfo of there and tell my aunt to get her load of shit and spew it out on other people than her own children, freaking B*tch.

Reply
Sharlotte

This is a good article. My Husband is this way, and I am staying in the relationship only to be able to protect my kids from this behavior. We live in a joint custody state and I don’t want them alone with him. I have tried to shield them from this, but they have seen it. That makes me sad. I only have a few more years until the kids are grown up & then I’m outta here! I was so mentally down a few years ago I didn’t want to be alive, and only hung on for my kids. I then went to counseling on my own for 9 months and have become stronger, and healthier. My boundaries are good. I would suggest anyone who has to be around a person like this go to counseling and learn boundaries, or there are several good books about them. The counselor and boundaries have saved my mental health. This article is a good start for you to start taking care of you. People like this will not change, but you can change yourself. Stay strong!

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Richard Chadwell

My Mom was so toxic and hateful that I am just glad she didn’t drown me in the bathtub when I was a baby. then years later I showed her my first child newborn. Her only response was this…” if I had my way, that baby would be dead by morning. my wife and I got up and left and never returned. She repeatedly told me as a child growing up.’ I wish you were dead”. Then she taught my brother to be just like her. So he spent years making my life as miserable as he could. just another day at home.

Reply
LB

Hi Richard, it sounds like your Mom could have borderline personality disorder. I am dealing with a very toxic family member myself who was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I think it’s much deeper than that. It’s not necessary for you to keep in touch with someone like that even if it is a family member. It’s always a reflection of them and not you at all. I am sorry she said such hurtful things to you and your family.

Reply
Claudia

This article is excellent. I am a Brazilian woman married to an American for one year and two months. I left my 25 year old daughter, my job, all my belongings behind to come to a “new life” with my husband in a new country (Middle East). He is a toxic person. The article describes him in every single line. I am scared and lost. I am 50 years old now. My life was organized as much as it could be, after a divorce, after supporting my daughter by myself, after succeeding in developing a carrear despite all the difficulties. The only thing that was missing was a relationship. I thought that this was the moment, and that he was the person. I know he won’t change. But I have nothing to go back to. So, I am trying to learn how to cope with this. Menopause, stress, sadness… Maybe I am depressed already. I am hopeless.

Reply

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