Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them

Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them

Even if toxic people came with a warning tattooed on their skin, they might still be difficult to avoid. We can always decide who we allow close to us but it’s not always that easy to cut out the toxics from other parts of our lives. They might be colleagues, bosses, in-laws, step-someones, family, co-parents … and the list goes on.

We live our lives in groups and unless we’re willing to go it alone – work alone, live alone, be alone (which is sometimes tempting, but comes with its own costs) – we’re going to cross paths with those we would rather cross out.

With any discussion of toxic people, it’s important to understand that you can’t change anybody, so it’s best to stop trying. Save your energy for something easier, like world peace. Or landing on a star. The thing is though, when you do something differently, things can’t help but change for you. If it’s not the people in your radar, it will be their impact on you.

[bctt tweet=”Personal power is everything to do with what you believe – and nothing to do with what they think.”]

Co-existing with toxics means going around them to set your own rules, then accepting that you don’t need them to respect those rules to claim your power. Here are some powerful, practical ways to do that:

  1. Be empowered by your motives.

    Sometimes toxic people will trap you like a hunted thing – you know you don’t have to give in to them but you also know that there will be consequences if you don’t. The secret is to make your decision from a position of power, rather than feeling controlled. In the same way there is something they want from you, there will always be something you want from them (even if it is to avoid more of their toxicity). Decide that you’re doing what you’re doing to control them and their behaviour – not because you’re a victim of their manipulation. Personal power is everything to do with what you believe and nothing to do with what they think.

  2. Understand why they’re seeing what they see in you.

    Toxic people will always see in others what they don’t want to acknowledge about themselves. It’s called projection. You could be the kindest, most generous, hardest working person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out trying to convince you that you’re a liar, unfair, nasty or a slacker. See it for what it is. You know the truth, even if they never will.

  3. They might get worse before they leave you alone.

    Think of it like this. Take a little human who is throwing a tantrum. When you stand strong and don’t give in, they’ll go harder for a while. We all have a tendency to do that – when something we’re doing stops working, we’ll do it more before we stop. Toxic people are no different. If they’ve found a way to control and manipulate you and it stops working, they’ll do more of whatever used to work before they back off and find themselves another target. Don’t take their escalation as a stop sign. Take it as a sign that what you’re doing is teaching them that they’re old behaviour won’t work anymore. Keep going and give them time to be convinced that you’re not going around on that decision you’ve made to shut them down.

    [irp posts=”1086″ name=”Teaching Kids How To Set & Protect Their Boundaries (And Keep Toxic People Out)”]

  4.  Be clear about your boundaries.

    You can’t please everyone, but toxic people will have you believing that you can’t please anyone – so you try harder, work harder, compromise more. It’s exhausting. Toxic people will have your boundary torn down and buried before you even realise you had one there. By knowing exactly what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t – and why – you can decide how far you’re willing to let someone encroach on your boundaries before it’s just not worth it any more.  Be ready to listen to that voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. It’s powerful and rarely wrong (if ever). Whether someone else thinks it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s right or wrong for you. Let that guide your response and when you can, who’s in and who’s out.

  5. You don’t have to help them through every crisis.

    The reason that toxic people are often in crisis is because they are masterful at creating them. It’s what they do – draw breath and create drama. You’ll be called on at any sign of a crisis for sympathy, attention and support, but you don’t have to run to their side. Teach them that you won’t be a part of the pity party by being unemotional, inattentive, and indifferent to the crisis. Don’t ask questions and don’t offer help. It might feel bad because it’s not your normal way, but remember that you’re not dealing with a normal person.

  6. You don’t need to explain.

    No is a complete sentence and one of the most powerful words in any language. You don’t need to explain, justify or make excuses. ‘No’ is the guardian at your front gate that makes sure the contamination from toxic people doesn’t get through to you. 

  7. Don’t judge.

    Be understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first. You can reject behaviour, requests and people without turning yourself into someone you wouldn’t like to be with. Strength and compassion can exist beautifully together at the edge of your boundaries. It will be always easier to feel okay about putting up a boundary if you haven’t hurt someone else in the process.

  8. Own your strengths and your weaknesses.

    We are all a messy, beautiful, brilliant work in progress. Once you are aware of your flaws, nobody can use them against you. Toxic people will work hard to play up your flaws and play down your strengths – it’s how they get their power. If you’re able to own your strengths and weaknesses, what they think won’t matter – because you’ll know that your strengths are more than enough to make your flaws not matter, or at the very least, to make them yesterday’s news.

    [irp posts=”793″ name=”Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them”]

     

  9. Don’t expect change.

    You can’t reason with toxic people – you just can’t. That’s one of the things that makes them toxic. Decide where you stand, and then stand strong. You don’t need to do any more than that. They will try to make you bend, flex and break at the seams. Because you have an open heart, the thought that someone might misunderstand you, disapprove of you or dislike you might get to you, but remember that you’re not dealing with someone who is motivated by what’s good for you or your relationship. It’s always about them and it always will be. Decide that sometimes you’re going to make it about you. It’s what you deserve.

  10. Choose your battles wisely.

    Dealing with toxic people takes an enormous amount of energy. You don’t have to step up to every battle you’re called to. For many toxic people, conflict is the only way they can connect. It’s the way they feel alive, noticed and important. Save your energy for the people who matter.

  11. Don’t be the victim.

    People can be a pity sometimes, but you’re not one of those. Decide that you won’t be anyone’s victim. Instead, be the one with the boundaries, the strength, the smarts and the power to make the decisions that will help you to thrive. Even if they’re decisions you’d rather not be making, own that it’s a move you’ve made to get what you want, rather than to bend to someone else’s will. You’re amazing, you’re strong and you’re powerful – which is why you’re nobody’s victim. Nobody’s.

  12. Focus on the solution rather than the problem.

    Toxic people will have you bending over backwards and tied with a barbed wire ribbon to keep you there. What will keep you stuck is playing over and over in your head the vastness of their screwed up behaviour. It will keep you angry, sad and disempowered. If you have to make a decision that you’d rather not make, focus on the mess that’s it’s cleaning up, not the person who is making your life hell. Don’t focus on their negative behaviour – there’s just too much there to focus on and it will never make sense to you anyway.

  13. Surround yourself with people who will give as much as you do.

    You might not have as much freedom in certain parts of your life to decide who’s in and who’s out but when it comes to the ones you open your heart to, you absolutely have the choice. Choose wisely and don’t be afraid to let them know what they mean to you. 

  14. Forgive – but don’t forget.

    Forgiveness is about letting go of expecting things to be different. You’ll never be able to control the past but you can control how much power it has to impact your future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting the behaviour or approving of it – it means that you’re not going to be controlled by it any more. It’s something done in strength and with an abundance of self-love. Don’t forget the way people treat you – for better or worse – and use that to help you live with clarity and resolve.

    [irp posts=”1021″ name=”The Rules for Being Human”]

     

  15. Understand the cycle.

    There is a pattern many toxic people follow. First they’re charming. This is when they’ll get you. They’ll be attentive, loving and impressive – but all of it will be to get you into position. Next, when they have your trust you’ll start to see the cracks. There will be mounting demands and a rising pull on your emotional resources. Then there will be the crisis – the test. You’ll feel stuck – whether or not you give them what they want, you’ll feel compromised. Finally, you’ll do what they want – because you don’t want to be ‘unreasonable’ or cause more drama – and then they’re back to charming you and giving you just enough of what you need to make you stay. The problem is that this never lasts for long and always comes at a cost. Be aware of the cycle and use it to build your boundaries on an even more solid foundation. If you can’t get out of the relationship, know that you’re not staying because you’ve allowed yourself to be fooled or blindsided, but because you have your eyes on something bigger that you need.

  16. You don’t need their approval. You really don’t.

    Don’t look for their approval or their appreciation – you won’t get it unless it comes with conditions, all of which will dampen you. You’ll constantly feel drained because they’ll draw on your open heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, your compassion and your humanity – and they will give absolutely nothing back. Give what you need to, but don’t give any more than that in the hope of getting something back. There will never be any more than minimal, and even that will come with conditions. Whatever you do, know why you’re doing what you’re doing and make sure the reasons are good enough.

The world is full of people whose behaviour is breathtakingly damaging. That doesn’t mean that we have to open ourselves up to the damage. The secret to living well means living deliberately. Knowing the signs of toxic behaviour and responding deliberately and in full clarity to toxic people will reduce their impact and allow you to keep yourself whole and empowered – and you’ll always deserve that.

460 Comments

Judith

Have a sister 9 years older than myself. She is now 73. Yes, 73.
For most of my life her controlling pushed me away from her. Years ago. Wanted to be like her. She was beautiful. Then my outlook on her changed and actually I did not find her good looking anymore.
We had our bouts but when she tried to control me I never let her.
Because she was so angry with me for years and years, Something happened in our family.
My mother passed away. Just 2 years ago come this January 19th 2018.
She had coerced my mother to make her power of attorney. I knew there would be trouble. I sure was right.
Being concerned I talked to my mom and asked her, what if something happens to you and she doesn’t let me see you again.
Mom told me that she made my sister promise she would allow me to see our mother.
Well, my mom had a mine stroke. I was not allowed to see my mom whatsoever until I search for her and found her in an Old Folks Home. When my sister found out I had found my mom, Lynn moved mom somewhere else.
I had heard from my brother that mom had someone where she was staying call my brother. He was asked why no one was going to visit her. My brothers reply was, we idn’t know where our mom was. So after that we did see mom. I lived quite a distance away
So I could not see her as often as I wanted to.
After some time my sister took my mom into her home. Again, I could not see my mom.
Mom passed away and I was not invited to the Funeral so I went afterwards wen everyone had left. I say my my moms side where she was put to rest and just felt the loss.
What I am having trouble with is the promise my sister made to my mom and she broke her promise.
So the picture I have left inside me is, there was my mom. Thinking no one cared when it was quite the opposite. When mom needed me the most, at the most important time of her life and I could not show her how important she was to me. She must have been so sad. We got along so well and I knew she needed me.
There was a time when my mom said to me, “why can’t your sister be more like you”.
I can’t get rid of pain. That picture is always with me and I don’t know what to do.
My mom was 99 when she passed over. She had grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
So I have break downs and make stupid mistakes in my life.
My positivity is low. I don’t k ow purpose I have anymore.
The damage is tremendous. I k ow the rest of my family give me 100% support but it actually does nothing.
I need to continue my life but I need to upgrade it to. This is just not working. I was always happy, a giver of time with others that were hurting. I was always better inside myself when I was helping others. It made me feel holesome. Now it’s me and I have no idea where to go.
I need to know.
I have read your article and it covers a lot of areas. However, hats I side me won’t go away. With every action s a reaction, I know this. So any guidance will be so warranted. I am a baptist and I attend church. I live by faith and it carries me but I wantthis to end, for good.
I can’t handle the trust she had in my sister and my sister turning her back on my mom because of her toxic behaviour. I tried to warn her and my sister did exactly what my greatest fear was.
I don’t understand what is meant when you ask for a website.
I just hope I have not written all this to find out it was for nothing.
Thanking you in advance.

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Eileen

Hi. Your mother is surely in heaven now and knows what happened. She knows you love her and loved her when she was alive. Do not let what your sister did torture you anymore. Get a journal and write to your mother in it. She will hear you. And realize that nothing you did could have deterred your sister. She was out to hurt you and the family. And she cared about no one but herself.
I have had to deal with my older sister and in-laws and they are nasty like your sister. The end of your mother’s life was not her whole life. Turn your thoughts to positive experiences with her. She would want you to thrive and be happy. Maybe think how you can honor her now so her passing has a better meaning attached to it.
Remember, love transcends

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Anon

How weird, I have a sister who is 73 & exactly like this, a narcissist and control freak.. she is the leader of the pact and she acts like a victim to get others to gang up. She is the eldest & controls the family. It is her conditioning and survival method. And I’m sure she has it down pat

My mom is alive but her role is somewhat helpless. Siblings, half of them live together in a duplex. I have moved away decades ago and after moving.. i saw the family dynamics. It’s really sad.

You can’t change her or them ..We’ve been brainwashed since babies and I think we will always carry a bit of anger and resentment. The best is to change yourself, refocus your energy and recondition your mind to leave This and work on being happy. My family is dysfunctional and will always be dysfunctional but I don’t want to be anymore. I believe that’s the first step .. just want to say I understand..

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Bernie

What a very sad story, always remember your Mum knew the truth and you never have to feel ashamed. I too have a very rude brother who tells my Mum of 86 to stop disrupting his life, she acts like a baby, has to take an elderly service called Driving Miss Daisy to her appointments. When my Mum emigrated he could not wait for her money to be credited to her bank account and he told her he wants his inheritance and gave her the amount he wanted. As a daughter I am just shocked which is an understatement, but if there is a toxic wife involved and a brother who cannot see beyond her flaws, all I say is”Dear God I pray for you both and your son too” . I live by karma and in all my life karma always strikes when you least expect it. Please do not feel sad, when your Mum was alive she knew you as a child you were the best and she died with the best memories of you. Look after yourself always.

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Gloria

Any ideas on how to avoid a sister in law from hell @ a party, she invited us all to a group chat on whatsapp & I replied back, extra’s?
she was asking what we could all bring, boy did the shit hit the fan then, she said THIS IS NOT A GENERAL CHAT & WE DON’T NEED SILLY COMMENTS. I literally feel like not even gng now.
Told my other nicer sister in law, jolly well hope she told her what I said & then said nice cheeses etc shall I put on chat & she said sorry what I said, I felt like saying forgiven but NEVER forgotten, as she has done this again, I feel like absolutely ignoring her now, please please tell me how to cope with her on Wednesday. thanks

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Cassandra L

Why should you put your hand on top of a hot iron? This lady has problems. Do not respond and do not go and be at peace with that.

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Lou

I have a toxic sister-in-law whom has recently torn me down verbally. It’s a very long story and I am desperate in hearing someone tell me how I am to face her at my mom’s tomorrow, Christmas Day. I do not not want to upset my mom and all others who will be at my mom’s, and I’m am quite certain the sister-in-law will make sure she tries to hug me “hello”, just to get a reaction out of me. I wanting NOTHING to do with her. My brother has no clue as to the words she spoke to me because I know, without a doubt, it would create a problem between the two of them. I stayed away from the traditional Thanksgiving at my mom’s, but my son is coming tomorrow and I want to be with him and my mom. Someone please give me some advice. This sister in law and her family are always in a ruckus over some type of family matter, and they all just carry on as normal…because drama is normal in her family. Please responded soon as possible.

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susan r

Hi I know this is probably too late for Christmas..but perhaps the problem is ongoing? My advice is stay strong and dont let her push your buttons. Dont be alone with her, even if she wants to apologise. it wil turn and bite you. be polite, and dont let her rob your time with your son and mum. If you can hold it in, that will really frustrate her more..she is obviously very insecure and perhaps wants to separate your brother from you, so that her faults..and her family will pale into insignificance if your family start rowing over thisl
see if tries to abuse other members of your family, and create a united front.

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Irena

It is an awesome article which I read time to time again to empower myself as I am going through divorce with my narcissistic husband. Him and his mother (he lives with now for about 2.5 years) are so toxic to me and my children and I am so looking forward to have the court behind and be away from them. I was looking forward to peace and love, but my daughter is starting to show more and more of narcissistic trades too. She wasn’t a baby with average baby steps, she wouldn’t walk or say “mum” at the average age where babies do, she was instead looking at outdated programming books and saying numbers. People were amazed that she knows number at the age of 18 months, but she wouldn’t say “mum” until about year after. I was told that she will grow out of it and it seemed she did. She is now 8 years old, but it seems like she is growing like her dad’s copy, with all the “can’t be bothered”, being very selfish, complaining about every little thing, blaming other for her own doing, lying even people can see straightaway it is a lie, punishing people if things don’t go her way, or looking so kind and well behaved in front of others who don’t know much…. Some people said, that it is normal for her age, but I feel that I know well the toxic dramas now and what she is doing is not normal behaviour to me. e.g. My son is 7 years old, he is very compassionate and caring, things he says make sense and things which he hears from his sister and if it doesn’t make sense, he says it straight away. They are like Yin & Yang when I watch them. I do worry for her, that her life can turn into miserable life, feeding on peoples sadness like her dad. I am responsible for her up bringing and I want to do something with it. But I don’t know what to do. It seems like nothing worked so far. I am using ‘123 magic’ technique, which is good for the daily family run, but that doesn’t work for her being horrible to others when things don’t go the way she wants to, or stop the dramas altogether. If you know what else I could do, please let me know, I am grateful for any suggestion on this. Best Wishes and love to you all. Irena

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Carla M

Thank you for this post, I was beginning to think I was the toxic one, however it’s my brother who is. I am the giver, the one that is manipulated into getting him whatever he needs and wants to prevent his outbursts. However, when I expand and express ( maybe in not the nicest way) I am called an abuser, and I’m abusive verbally … even according to my mother. I suffer from bi polar, but I am a total people pleaser and sometimes I can be extremely merciless when I am pushed beyond my means … and I know that is only because of my frustrations with my brother. I am thinking he will change however this article made it pretty clear that it’s not in their interest to even really consider it. I am just so confused because I am always being told it’s me that makes everything worse and I’m the one who is toxic and it’s been weighing so heavily… but I have been caring for him since he was 15 and bailing him out of every stupid situation he gets himself into! I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so sick over this!

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Mike

This is THE most amazing article I have ever read on this subject and absolutely correct when applied to the person in my family that fits every part of the profile.
Well done and well written

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Michelle

I’m separated from someone who I’ve been with for 7 years and love with all my heart and was going to marry. I am just now researching information on toxic people and I realize that this person I’ve been with is just that. I cannot begin to explain the hurt I feel Within Me because of this. Funny thing is I still love this person I still want to help this person and save them from their self and this article tells me that’s not possible. I’m the type of person who believes Love Never Fails love conquers all, disappointing to know that it doesn’t. Today was one of the worst yet. My emotional state of mind is somewhere it’s never been before and Afraid I may never fully recover from this. I’m afraid I will go on loving this person who will never give back to me what I’ve given to them . To be in love, so hopelessly in love, with someone who is not capable of loving you completely has got to be the saddest love story ever told and I feel like I’m living it. I know that Breaking Free would be what’s best for me but I’m having trouble disassociating myself from this person on account of how much I love them even though I know what they’re doing to me. Any advice from someone who has felt this way is welcome LOL is needed.

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Pam

The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from this person. I know what you are going through and believe me, there is no way you can help them. I tried for years hoping that finally something I said or did could make him wake up. They count on us to put them always first and make you doubt yourself always. You can’t win. And I can tell you that the man you fell in love with was a complete fantasy. That’s how they suck you in, make you fall in love with them, but once they have you, that facade comes down and the real person they are comes out. You may see flashes of that loving person you fell in love with, but they can’t hold it up for long and the real monster they are comes out again. It’s all a big bunch of fake BS and they are very good at what they do. I say, get out and stay out and heal yourself because they don’t want to heal, they don’t see anything wrong with themselves. When me and my husband were on the verge of divorce I asked him if he was even aware of being broken inside and if he could see he wasn’t like other people. IF he was even aware of how hurtful and mean he was. He admitted there was something different about himself, he was aware of it. And I asked him why he wasn’t willing to find out what it really was and get some help. His answer was, “I like what I am and I don’t want to change it.” You can’t win, you can’t heal them, you can’t get through to them because they have no empathy at all. They are NOT capable of love.

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Alanna

Thank you so much for this article. This describes my daughter-in-law to a T. I recently took my 16-year-old grandson to Italy for the trip of a lifetime. However, it was a complete disaster. He didn’t talk to me, or walk with me during tours. He was on his phone 100% of the time, except when sleeping. He would not get up in the mornings, even though I had pre-paid for all of the tours, so I spent more money buying new train tickets and tours. He disagreed with every single thing I said, even just commenting on the beauty of the nature. He seemed to enjoy being cruel to me. When I told him the way he was treating me was very hurtful and asked what was going on , he did not respond in any way. I can see now that his mother made sure he would not have a good time w/ me and that he would feel guilty if he did. He has never had a friend over or been to a friend’s house in his whole life. She has said the most terrible things to me, and my son never defends his family, because he has been so manipulated for 19 years. She also lets her 27 year old son take over 100 women into his basement bedroom to have sex with them the past nine years, because she wants to keep them all at home. I worry for my grandson, because this trip changed our relationship. I actually paid $2000 more to come home two days early, because I finally got so hurt and angry that I was not going to take his disrespect anymore. His parents picked us up in Chicago, and he even disagreed w/ me on the way home to make it look like he was against me in front of his mother. I am not mad at him anymore because I realize now his mother had months to work on him to make him feel guilty if he enjoyed his time with me. What kind of love is that for a kid to see? .
Your article made me realize the most important thing…I cannot change her, no matter how nice or kind I am to her. She wants to think of me as the enemy, so she can get me out of my son’s life.
I worry about losing my son, but I have to accept the fact that if he decides to just go the easy route by not being in my life, then I have to go with it.
The bad thing is she can be so sweet to anyone who is not a threat to her life, so it is hard for others to see the truth.
Thank for you article. I printed it off and I am going to read it everyday, so that I am not tempted to get ahold of my son or grandson to beg for time with them. It is not worth it, and it will only make things worse if she thinks I need them so badly that I will do her bidding. Her life can’t be happy either. I am afraid my grandsons will both suffer.

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Freida

Sorry to hear that. I have no kids, but 5 nieces and nephews.
The parents (my siblings) acted so badly toward me I stopped going to visit the only niece I had that lived nearby.I missed most of her childhood. It was heartbreaking for me and I don’t think she really understood why I was never there. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that it was because her father was so cruel to me.
Hopefully when your grandson is older her will wake up and see reality through his own eyes, not his mother’s.
You speak the truth. That is that you cannot control your son’s wife or his marriage.

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J

Thank you for this article. I found the information very helpful. I have grown up in a toxic environment and now as an adult still find myself dealing with a toxic sibling. I always felt very isolated and ostracized. You’re article made me realise that I’m not alone in this and how to set boundaries to take care of me and my emotional needs. Thank you again for this positive post. Please post more helpful articles like this.

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Bert

Me too, I think a got a toxic s-i-l, just met here for few times, then she started back stabbing her brother(my husband). Unfortunately my husband was sicked and had operation, she declared immediately she would help, without talking formally about the situation(at first it was ok & we’re grateful) but then she just moved in without asking formal permission from my husband, She’s working afternoon to night time, and she got a small dog, just simply left us the dog to care…we got a small house I felt literally no boundaries….outside the air smelt smoke, coz she is a smoker….she always said she is looking for a place to rent but we(my husband) didnot think so. I always pray that God wll keep us away from bad intentions…and peace will come back to our small home….

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Franny

This article was so helpful for me. The toxic people in my life are my Husbands family; all of them sadly. All the drama was spearheaded by my Sister in Law and it has been 10 years since we moved across Canada, not because of them though. My husband got a new job 2000 miles away and we definitely wanted a change and a fresh start away from it all…it just made it easy to go. My Dad and Sister had passed away and it was just my Mom; she moved too, to be close and not alone. I’ve always had my Husbands support and has told me many times that he agrees they are toxic and just want to create chaos in our lives and our children. I sometimes feel bad that my kids won’t be close to their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, but realize that any relationship with anyone in his family would not be good in any way. Although it has been many years since we spoke, when we go back home to visit friends (LIKE RIGHT NOW, hence looking for an article for support), my sister in law tries again to make us feel bad for not seeing them or their kids. She pretty much blames me for everything that has happened, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Losing two close family members, made me appreciate all the family I inherited and tried to spend lots of family time together.
I always want to do the right thing and it’s got me into uncomfortable situations. Now I try to keep on track and remember how much I’m helping my kids. Any have any tips they can share?!? TIA❤️

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Jackie

If she wants to see you and family she’ll have to make the effort then ??? it always amazes me when friends and family are unable to comprehend roads aren’t all one way!!!!!

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Alabama crazy

I wish you all the best with your situation. I really don’t know if my story belongs here. I’m searching my mother in law moved into our home. She has been telling my husband I’m depressed I call B/S on that! Anyway she is that person that lives in the past. Nothing has ever I mean EVER been her fault. Well since she’s been “depressed” . It’s caused her to not remember how to do things example how to use a fork. I made spaghetti and she said I don’t know how to use it. I told her well figure it out. Or go make you a sandwich. I know it sounds mean but that’s how she does to make you think bless her heart. Nope not me there is no heart there. Anyway she has a couple new things now. She takes baby steps WTH! I put her medicine in a little cup and leave on counter every freaking day. My husband was home she went to the counter and said son how do I take this? Really he’s like mom let me help you. I was like WHAT! Well she caught him . I was like OK if you are saying now you don’t know how to take your medicine. Well you need more help than we can give you. So we need to make arrangements for you! We’ll that didn’t work for her lol. I’ve been calling her out on a lot of things I’m tired of it. Why would a person do this crap? Oh and she has not been diagnosed as depressed! The doctor and psychologist said she was a attention seeker. And first she needs to own up to what she has done to people. Not everybody has always been mean to her. I’m sorry I’m just going on and on. So if you take the time to read this. Thank you I could use any advice or suggestions. HELP!

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Jason C

Hi there, I remember my Grandmother was like that. My Grandfather divorced her when they were in their 60s and she went on the offensive. Refusing to confirm date/times for holiday gatherings to keep us guessing and unable to firm up any plans with “that man.” But she also did fun things like adopting a limp whenever anyone was around to see her limping. Complaining of various things with a persistent “woe is me” demeanor.

My assessment is that this was a manipulative ploy using sympathy to gain leverage and attention. I thought it was sad more than anything else so I didn’t bother me although I was aware of it. What you’re dealing with sounds quite a bit more pronounced…perhaps a straight up conversation with her may yield some answers. Ask her directly why she is doing this and what she wants? If that doesn’t help and she persists…may be necessary to relocate her to an assisted living facility. Otherwise, she will make it her mission to ensure the conversation and attention is all about her 24/7 which will put tremendous pressure on your marriage.

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eloise

WOW! I know many people dealing with manipulative bf/gf who have been ‘dying’ of the same heart attack,illness for years.My nephew was claiming he has seizures,when I have NEVER seen any of this.I told him I think he’s being untrue,and using that for sympathy.That’s the worse when people use illness for sympathy!

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Pam

Sounds to me like this woman is beyond what you can do to help her. Toxic people can even fool most psychiatrists. And it is truly not your job nor in your best interests to keep her in your house. I’ve had experience with these kind of people, and I can almost guarantee that no matter what you say to her or do for her, will never be enough and eventually she will ruin your marriage if she is allowed to continue. If your husband doesn’t agree and help you, then he is already caught in her web and eventually she will convince him that it is all your fault. You shouldn’t have to live with that kind of a menace in your house, your home and it sounds to me like you have done all you can to make her happy. If you have a problem with your husband when it comes time to move her out, then leave the full responsibility in his hands and see how long he will put up with it. You are caught in a tough situation, but only you can make up your mind how much you are willing to let this woman control your life. I think it will continue to get worse and worse and although you do your best, it will never be enough.

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Patricia

Agree- great advise! She is not being the queen of her castle. She is Hazel the maid and will become that undesirable rag to her husband. The real Villain is Monster-in-law and she will vilify this daughter-in-law. Husbands: YOUR WIFE MUST BE WWESN OF CASTLE NOT YOUR MAMA!

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Karlee

I loved this article!! It helped validate how well I’ve been doing to an extent, dealing with my toxic mother. As a child, my siblings and I never understood her ”now toxic” ways until we reached our teen and early adulthood lifespan. She’s always controlling, bad mouth our bf/gf because she was jealous of the relationships. My mother has caused so many issues between her family members and her husbands family members, it’s really sickening. She hates my husband and will try to manipulate my kids into not liking or loving their father, because she doesn’t like him. She’s never apologized about anything she does, blames everyone else, and has such a negative mind and mouth against anyone and the next day she pretends as if nothing has happened. The cycle that is….. I’ve been teaching my children to ignore her manipulation and believe in what’s important to them and she can’t stand it…… My mother was raised with siblings and a toxic mother of her own, who only mistreated her as a child. This cycle has now ended with myself and own family a few years ago and I’m very proud of the woman I am today. I’m a mental health counselor (as of 2014) only because I wanted to help others who have had toxic people, mentally ill people, etc. in their lives and want to live happier and stress free. Thanks for this beautiful article!!!

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Sarah M

I think I have toxic in laws .. to me, I will never understand their behaviour and just ruled it as “they’re all nuts”.
My mil acts very nice with me in front of people and hubby. I can feel that it’s all fake. Or maybe my instincts are telling me that it is. My sil comes to me and goes on about how my marriage is not normal. She’s so untidy and comes home all the time and leaves the place looking filthy! Her child is also so dirty and my mil brings the child to my room saying the one and a half year old wants to greet us. It’s just a tactic for us to look after her when my sil leaves her here. This child then gets into my bed. I really don’t know how they breech the privacy line. Most of the time I’m looking after the kid and then my mil tells hubby about how she sits so quietly by me. I feel my mil just manipulates us that way so we look after her when she’s got things to do. When we go out, my mil asks where we going and what time we’ll be back. She calls us even when we’re out! She demands that we all help my sil with her work when she hosts events creating more work for herself but we all have to pitch in. If not, we’re the bad ones. My sil and mil rarely thank me for looking after the child and if they do, it has to be in front of hubby so he can see that they’re trying. I’ve noticed this behaviour from the time we got married and it caused a lot of strain on my relationship bec hubby couldn’t be away from them and so we had to spend all our free time with in laws. This year we moved in with my mil and now hubby is seeing it all for himself. God is Great. But I still don’t know how to deal with them invading my privacy and get my sanity back.

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Leanne

I have a toxic aunt. For 40+ years she has terrorized our family. She is a psycopath and a narcissist. She has tried to destroy our family by turning them against each other. She has ruined my family’s reputation in the town they live, the church they go to and amongst the people who my family does business with. She is a proven slanderer and defamer. She never accepts responsibility for her behavior, even when you have evidence. Never have I ever heard the word sorry in my 41 years that I have been alive. She looks for ways to involve herself in your business to cause trouble. She has been repeatedly caught out stalking my parents house and regularly comes onto their property to verbally abuse them. We have had to call the police. We are tired and sick of putting up with her vile, disgusting, toxic behavior. There is no reasoning with her. She has no empathy, no conscience and regularly projects behaviors onto us that we don’t do. She loves conflict and we now refuse to deal with her. She is always right and you have to do what she wants. Who the hell does she think she is!!! I’m in the process of secretly moving my parents away and we joke about changing their names but the way things are headed it maybe they only way she can’t find them and they get some peace. If I had a gun I’d shoot her and do the whole world a favor. I didn’t realize until lately that we have suffered intense mental and verbal abuse for decades. NO MORE!!!!! The only way to deal with these people is not too. Stay the hell away and run for the hills. Don’t waste anymore time on these people!! They don’t deserve it. Your lifetime is precious only give your valuable time to those who deserve it.

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eloise

LOL! While wanting to kill someone is extreme, I TOTALLY understand the frustration of having such a POC in your life.I have a drug using 1/2 sister whose been a problem for decades.She used drugs while pregnant,had 3 kids who are now grown and they are a mess.She tried to use her son to get to me,by saying she ‘missed me’.I don’t believe any of it,and I told her son to tell her to stop with the bs,or Iam changing my name and moving away.Iam so glad I was born assertive, or by now I’d be living in a mental institute

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RL

I have a toxic sister inlaw.
I have been with her Elder Brother for 9 years and in those 9 years my experiences with her have been draining, overwhelming, dysfunctional & HELL.
I recall the first encounter meeting lovely Sister in-law , the nasty names she called me slut/skank/bitch.I ignored it of course as I’m not one to engage in confrontations over small bullying tactics.
As time passed I could see she had an unhealthy attachment to her Brother , not your normal sibling connection but she seemed to interfere in our relationship by sitting out our bedroom door listening to us late at night (creepy) and even walks straight in without knocking .
To me it seemed like she had no boundaries , I respected her as his Sister but seriously how annoying behaviour became.
Once we conceived our First child together her codependent behavior escalated , she wanted to be with us 24/7 .Our baby arrived and she thought she was the Mother trying to take over motherly duties without asking if its okay .She would turn up unannounced demanding she spend time with our baby at unsuitable times ( baby asleep/sick needing rest).
It became too much I had to finally tell my Partner she is overbearing and meddling in our life too much.His response was ‘don’t worry’ and that stuck for few years .
Time passed ,we had a second child .This is when we moved out of town because he found employment elsewhere after being made redundant.
Finally we get a break from Crazy sister inlaw( thank goodness,!)
Now here’s where things go overboard ,we had to move houses as our landlord was selling up, we pack up and move .Sister inlaw visits old house realises we moved and goes mental on Social media (Facebook) asking everyone where we are .A relative who helped us move told her she helped us and she took all her anger out on her.
We have to apologise to Family member who helped us move then sort Sister inlaw out.She came over crying in our new house (still not unpacked) saying she feels better now that she knows where we live .
Man oh man after this happened she seemed to blame me for not telling her before we relocated , which then upset my Partner .
We lost contact for a while as I could no longer deal with her dramatic ways.My Partner now keeps the communication going with her as I’ve reached my limit.She dumps her emotional baggage ,problems on him often and he comforts her through her break ups,financial and health issues all the while still living at home with their Mother .If he doesn’t keep in touch she comes over and cries.He has never told her her behaviour is unacceptable and that’s why she will continue it.For me , I ignore it all not my blood sister not my Problem I tell Hubby.Until you put her in her place she will always be your little Codependent ‘victim’.

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Jeremiah

I’ve been diagnosed with toxic sister in law.
After reading this page I widely opened my eyes.
You don’t save my life, you save my village.
Thank you so much!

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Madelynn

DITTO from me to you…

Thank you for your post. My sister-in-law (54) has been a thorn in my side (65) for the last 25 years and I put an end to our association as of this morning. My brother (62) adores her and he can keep her…NO GUILT>>>>NO REGRETS…..Just feeling free as a bird….It feels like Christmas in the middle of the summer!!!!

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KiKi E.

This absolutely cracked me up-“it feels like Christmas!” I’ve also been diagnosed with a Toxic and completely narcissistic sister-in-law. She’s intelligent(just ask her and she will tell you), and super manipulative. I’ve tried for several years because I love my husband and wonder on a daily basis how he turned out so kind. He is guilted easily by his passive aggressive sister, mother, father, and now his niece(courtesy of the sister-in-law). She expects everything from everyone including childcare, money, etc. I’ve never had such a difficult time with another person and I’ve gone out of my way for years. After saying “no” to one of her ridiculous requests I saw a drastic change. It really opened my eyes and has been difficult since. My husband is blind to it and accepts the guilt trip. I’m going to do my best to continue setting boundaries but it isn’t easy! I hope that my husband and I make it to 10 years without me having to flip out and act like a psychopath on his family!

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Liz

Thank you for this very useful – and for me, timely – article.

My question is what to do about the toxic people who are in positions of power over me. In my current situation, it is a jealous/toxic sister-in-law who is also my landlady. In the past, it has been a boss. A person like this bringing fear for the loss of your home or work security can be very psychologically damaging and the only out seems to be to find another place or job ASAP.

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Liz

I wanted to add that toxic people, in my experience, are selectively toxic. They may be very pleasant charming or charismatic to other people but then turn on the venom or chill with the turn of their head in my direction. That is if they include me enough to turn their head in my direction. It’s very strange and feels diminishing, confusing, and destabilizing.

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Boots

I had a landlord..very controlling. I ended up having to move.
Also a temporary but powerful boss..That was scary because I love the work and believed she could have ruined me for it.
There was NOTHING I could do right in her eyes. She projected on me so badly. Gaslighted. She was classic, I could see it but nonetheless was terribly stressed. Fortunately, it was over in four months. She gave me a bad review but I did not lose my job. The next supervisor loved me.

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Pippa

So very very true – which is partly why it feels as bad as it does to be on the receiving end – as if you are making a fuss about nothing…after all , how could someone who is so “nice”, “friendly” “helpful” etc be anything but. These people are very scary. I have only come across two in my life – my sister and my sister in law but I would avoid both like the plague now and would struggle to explain why to anyone who has never experienced this kind of thing .

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Jay

Oh yes ,so true ,you can’t explain how these people are to others and their behaviour is so haunting it can seriously and deeply affect you .In my experience there is no excuse for them .Step away from them .Look around you and if are like me you will see kind and caring friends keep theses close to your heart and the toxic ones well away .You will never make a toxic person be worth knowing.

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Jay

Wow .I have lived with a toxic sibling all my life and only just woke up to it .My husband and family are always put down in public for no reason. Hers are always perfect !It is incredible as it comes from no where and when you look back you think ‘what was all that about ‘.You then feel the need to defend yourself but really for what !.It ends up a futile situation and it just leaves you so drained and sad .Both our parents have just passed away close to each other and without any discussion she has behind my back purchased a very pretty cottage they rented for 40 years obtaining a large discount. She took great pleasure in having to ‘come round and she my face ‘to tell me .I didn’t know how I felt to begin with .After mulling it over I discovered that I don’t actually feel angry or sad re the purchase I just feel that it would have been polite and respectful to pass it by me .I that is my true feelings .This final act has made me realise that our parents kept us together and now it is time to part .Sad but true .My family are lovely and they are where my joy comes from .You are worth more in life don’t let people destroy you

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Valentina

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this great article! It’s really helpful, I’m going to read it everyday until I absorb every last bit of advice.

I stopped letting my toxic older sister get to me some time ago but now I have a child and just recently she and her teenage daughter have started being nasty toward my little 3yr old daughter.

Anyway this article has made it easier and helped me see I’m not a bad person now I’ve decided to keep them at a good distance. It’s one thing trying it with me, I don’t care (thanks to her I’ve got a thick skin), but I won’t let them do it to my innocent little daughter. No chance.

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Amy

A toxic person – that is precisely who my sister in law is. She’s been going through a tough time the last couple of years with a physical injury that just isn’t coming right, however the way she treats her family is atrocious. Some of it I believe is true mental illness (stress or depression perhaps) but I’ve also seen her turn her behavior ‘on and off’ at a moments notice depending on who else walks into the room. I interpret this as a high degree of manipulation, her parents however are just relieved she’s not embarrassing them with her outbursts in front of this other person (this time). The number of times she has had her mother and grandmother in tears with the way she speaks to them and words she uses, it breaks my heart. It’s not uncommon for her to verbally abuse her parents or partner who is hanging in there for some unknown reason despite being the person she treats the worst. Most certainly a case of tearing people down so they feel as bad as the toxic person feels about herself – classic bullying tactic. Her family has done a lot for her, including helping her into her own business and all they get in return is abuse for it and blame for the tough days. I have to admit however that I also believe her family enables this behavior. Instead of pulling her up on how she was acting and treating people right from they start, they instead shied away in embarrassment and simply hoped no one else witnessed it. They walk on eggshells so as not to set her off again and create a scene. Perhaps what irks me the most is that she says that no one is there for her or tries to understand what she’s going through but whenever anyone tries they are informed that its too little too late. She’ll mention anything she can from the past to prove that we’ve never cared, never once thinking that past decisions to include or exclude her from things was due to her behavior and the distress she causes. To me it seems that she doesn’t truly want anyone to understand or will allow them to support her because then she can’t hold it over everyone’s heads. Her brother and I are currently expecting what will be her first niece or nephew and she fails to recognize that I will not allow her to bring this type of toxicity anywhere near my child. If she wants a relationship with her niece/nephew she needs to first start treating her current family members with the respect they deserve.

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Tara

I could have written that myself Amy. Just make sure you and your hubby are on the same page, as your sister in law will try to come between you and use your parenting to make comments. Having a baby is a massive transition for any couple – so you dont need her crap making it harder. New motherhood makes you extra emotional, so somewhat more vulnerable too. My sister in law is so toxic and narcissistic – I’ve dealt with her for over a decade and recently I’ve just had enough, so I no longer have anything to do with her and just avoid her.

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Linda

Sometimes a parent is the toxic person as is my Mother..Never apologizes for anything, EVER! Has caused a lot of pain, tears, and guilt. It’s her way or no way, always critical of everyone. She is so wrapped up in herself, demanding & demeaning, leaves no room for anyone else. It’s all about self entitlement, know-it-all and does no wrong. Toxic people will tear down your boundary and bury it before you realize you even had one. Always looking for sympathy and attention.

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Emma- louise

My mother to a.tee when you stand up to her. Block her.number she.will make up lies.about you!
She.has.gone.to.the degree to call my employers trying to get me fired.

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Jackie

I had (she’s still around) a sister in law who was very controlling since 1977, my mother in law died 2 years ago and that is that….. No contact! Simple. I put up with manipulative behaviour for my mother in law’s sake so as not to rock the boat. Lovely.!

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Louie

Amazing post! I believe too that it is all about believing in yourself and have the strength to isolate the toxic people in your life and even remove them. It can be so hard at times but honestly, toxic people are only going to keep you from becoming better and happier!

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Therese

It is all so difficult when the person is your child. My adult son is manipulative, nasty, evil and more. He apologises but doesn’t mean it, repeats the behaviour and hurts oh boy does it hurt.
As a mother, I feel that society expects me to stay the distance but this journey has caused me chronic nausea, pain tears and guilt.
My counsellor has helped me to see that it is a form of familial violence, psychological torture and that I need to withdraw. For those of you living with this daily, you have my understanding. You need to get away, stay away, get on with your life, not theirs. Anyone that takes up more than 20% of your thinking space is toxic to you being.

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Charlotte

I understand what you’re talking about. Mine is 14 and I am her target. I have been abused physically, emotionally for 8 years. Sometimes I count the days until she is 18. Horrible to say about my child I know. Broken bones are healing but will my heart. She’s been diagnosed with conduct disorder. I don’t know if it will ever get better. She may kill me first. She has it planned. I am legally responsible for someone who abuses me. I have no way out.

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Boots

Charlotte
I had a child like that. He abused his twin sister, too and she stuck up for him. It eas them against me. They became emancipated at 16 and took the survivor benefits we were surviving on, leaving me homeless til I could get back on.my feet again.

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Debra

Call the police if she does this oh heck no don’t put up with it also check with school counsel and get help to help you and she will be helped, have the police take her to where she can be controlled your the parent and with school counsel they can help you also call 211 and they could help with which way you could go also stick to your guns don’t let her rule put your foot down with out side forces could save your life and put her in a place a way from you so she can get the help she needs I really am preying for you please your important and don’t let know one hurt you she needs help

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Rory

You can have her mentally assessed for the death threats. She should be institutionalized. Or institutionalize yourself. The state will deal with her.

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anna

My Son is the same Therese and I’m exhausted from him. He no longer lives with us but his behaviour still wears me out. I’m reading more around the subject to understand it but I need to give myself more space from him. Thank you for sharing and look after yourself.

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Therese

Hi Annna

Thank you for your kindness.
My son ha harmed my ex husband. My ex husband want my son to live with me. I know he will harm me physically and psychologically.
It is a sad thing to set your child free and have nothing to do with them.
My great fear is that in my dotage he will come and make the decisions about my life.

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Lin

Thank you for posting your story Theresa. Your son sounds exactly like my grown daughter. She is a narcissistic and a backstabber who demoralizes me, demeans me and demonizes me to her friends and my ex-husband and his family. She is only nice to me when she wants something. She is very sneaky. I have to separate from her and move on with my life. She is sucking the life out of me.

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Angela

Omg this is my sibling sister youngest one! I’ve been ill with stress through her behaviour just on me an not other sisters as I’m the Weak one that she’s always manipulated so now after a disastrous five day holiday with her an my two other lovely sisters ! I’ve gave up an blocked off media an phone an feel much better but dread family gatherings??

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Asmaa

I have a teenage sister who’s toxic. Everyone walks on eggshells because of her behavior but I can’t sit and watch her emotionally abuse our little sister. I know it’s her low self-esteem that causes her to relish in breaking others, but I can’t stand it anymore. I stay at home as a college student to help out my family, but sometimes I want to move out so I don’t have to deal with this negative energy. I don’t know what to do because I can’t “cut” her from my life as she’s here everyday.

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Charles

You can cut off your sympathy to her and her drama. The only way toxic people can get their victims is through empathy.
If you never feel sorry for her, she can’t ever get in your head.
Don’t feel bad. You can’t control others. Let her be free to live as she chooses. Move on.

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PD

Wow. This is not the first time i have searched out how to love a sibling bully, but many of the responses have been helping to validate my choice to block social media, texts…omg the Texts! I have cried, been physically ill, given up, let her back in just to have the cycle repeat…year after year.
There is a tremendous amount of guilt I feel from this. She has always given her opinion and told me how i should handle any given situation, told me what is wrong with my kids, our parents, brother, me.
The reaction i normally employed was to try and explain what she misconstrued. Usually small sentences about normal everyday events. I have given up on that route…mostly. She does not apologize, EVER! I rue the day she mastered texting!
I am Not perfect, but I have slowly come to realize it is NOT okay to abuse me and other family. I do Not owe her my life. And i do not know how to help her. I am a bit afraid of her, but still love her. Suggesting she get real help or be evaluated for a disorder would send her off the charts. It will never end, but I can try to insulate my family as much as possible from the hurt. If it is directed at me, fine. Do Not spew the awfulness to my kids!

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need to get away amanda...

Just reading thiS my toxic person s.. my husband. He just get worse. He has no respect for anything but expect full respect
he never take a responsibility for anything.
After I’ve dealt my family not talking to me. And being told I choose him over the family. He called me a birch, whore, trash. Plays head games. We have 4 kids. I do it alone. He gone all day come home expects me to thinks he God’s gift. And just want one thing.
He used to be very attractive to me until right now.

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One of our rituals was in the week before Christmas, we’d go shopping and each kiddo would choose a keepsake decoration for the tree. This would forever be their decoration. To make sure we’d remember who owned what (a year is a long time!) I wrote their name and year on the box. The idea is that when they leave home, they’ll have a collection of special decorations for their own tree, plump with throwbacks (‘Oh I remember when we bought this!).

Then of course there was Christmas morning. Santa would leave a note on the table and bootprints on the front path, which smelled remarkably like talcum powder. So magical the way the snow was under the boot and never melted, even in an Australian summer! But that’s the magic of Christmas, right?!

We often put so much pressure on ourselves to make Christmas magical. Rituals can make this easier. They get the special memories, you get to make the ‘magic’ without having to come up with something new and different each year.

It’s very likely that there will already be Christmas rituals happening in your family, even if you don’t realise it. Ask them what they remember most, or what they loved most about last Christmas, aside from the presents.

They might surprise you with things you’d completely forgotten about, or which at the time didn’t seem to be a biggie. It can be the simplest things. Maybe they loved the way they were allowed to have ice-cream with pancakes at breakfast last Christmas. (Ice-cream at breakfast?! Told you Christmas was magical!!). 

If it’s what they remember, and if it lights them up, let it become a ‘thing’. Maybe they loved the magic ‘neverending carrot’ sprinkles you put on the scrawny carrot you found in the vege drawer (remembering reindeer groceries can be so hard sometimes!)

You’d be surprised what they find special. It doesn’t have to be big to feel magical.

What are your Christmas rituals? Let’s share ideas in the comments.♥️
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It can feel as though the only way to strengthen them against their anxiety is to make sure they have nothing to worry about, but when their worries are real this might not happen quickly. 

Instead, we need to focus on helping them know that even though those worries are there, they will be okay. ‘Not worrying’ isn’t the antidote to anxiety, trust is. This will start with trust in you and your belief that they will be okay, and trust in your reaction if things don’t go to plan. Eventually, as they grow this will expand into trust in themselves and their own capacity to find their way through challenges to a place of hope and strength. 
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Strong steady breathing will reverse the fight or flight physiology that causes nausea, butterflies, or sick or sore tummies during anxiety. BUT telling an anxious brain to take a strong steady breath will potentially make anxiety worse unless strong steady breathing feels familiar. Practising during calm times will make it familiar. 

During anxiety we’re dealing with their amygdala, and it wants short shallow breathing to conserve oxygen. It doesn’t want strong steady breathing and will work hard to resist this. 

An anxious brain is a busy brain and it will be less able to do anything unfamiliar. A few minutes of strong steady breathing each day will set up a strong neural pathway to make strong breathing more automatic and accessible during anxiety. 

In the meantime though, you can do it for them. This is the magic of co-regulation. When you do strong steady breathing during their anxiety, it will calm your nervous system which will eventually calm theirs. You will catch their anxiety, and this will feed into their anxiety. Your strong steady breathing is the circuit breaker. They will catch your anxiety, but they will also catch your calm. Don’t worry if this takes a few minutes (and maybe a few more after that). Anxious brains are strong, powerful, beautiful brains working hard to protect. Breathe and be with. This will open the way for that distressed young nervous system to find its way home. And you don’t need to do more than that.♥️
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Needs and behaviour can get tangled up and treated as one. When you can, separate the need from the behaviour. Give voice to the need - let it find a way to breathe - and redirect the behaviour. 

The need might always be clear, especially if it’s being smothered by angry shouting words. If we stifle the behaviour without acknowledging the need, the need stays hungry. Help usher it into the light by making it clear that you’re ready to receive it. Then wait. Wait for the big behaviour to ease, for bodies to calm, and angry voices to soften - but keep the way to you open. ‘You’re a great kid and I know you know that behaviour wasn’t okay. Talk to me about what’s happening for you.’

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