Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt

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When Someone You Love is Toxic How to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship, Without Guilt

If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.

Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.

Why do toxic people do toxic things?

Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished. 

Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.

It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.

Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.

Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.

Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control. 

Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic

Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.

Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.

Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.

Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.

Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.

At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.

The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.

Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.

We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.

Why are toxic relationships so destructive?

In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.

Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.

The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.

Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.

Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now. 

Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.

Why are toxic people so hard to leave?

If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.

Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.

When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track. 

Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.

Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other. 

For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.

Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.

But they do it because they love me. They said so.

Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before. 

The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.

Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.

The one truth that matters.

If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.

Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice. 

Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.

Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.

The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.

When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.

There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.

The growth.

Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.

You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.

One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you. 

You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.

Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots. 

If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.

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706 Comments

Chief

Advice please. I met a girl. We turned into great friends. We talked everyday. We definetly had high chemistry. We became highly attracted to eachother but we wernt in any rush to be together. Neither of us wanted a commitment. We were fine with being friends who happened to have a crush on eachother. She started treating me like I was hers. Even tho we wernt official. We showed a huge amount of affection to eachother we might as well have been dating. She’d always get mad over other girls. I loved how much interest she showed in me. And we were so good of friends. It seemed too good to be true. We only ever had 1 serious argument. She suddenly wanted to be “regular friends”. She gave no effort to working things out. I tried to mend what we had but she seems to have no interest. We are to the point where everything is awkward. She acts like she has no feelings for me. She says she my friend but she feels like a stranger. I still have a huge crush on her but she wants no parts. Now I’m left looking crazy about someone who doesn’t want me. She used to be obsessed with me. All over me. She acted in love. Now I feel like I don’t even know her. Iv tried to convince her into giving us a second chance to rebuild what we had. But she seems turned off. She gave me no explanation. The confusion kills me. When I try n talk to her I feel I’m doing more harm than good. I still have the biggest crush on her. What should I do?

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Alz

Man I hear you.. I was as totally in the same boat. introduced her to my whole family and then she started to go distant and blame me for her feelings, i’d go all out for her Birthday and special occasions and then i would get nothing, but still somehow it was my fault she wouldn’t do things for me. what I needed to do was set boundries, Pull back and focus on myself gym and personal goals, do stuff that makes you happy. It does suck the first week/ month etc but over time it does get better make no contact, get rid of pictures texts and focus on the now and “me”. if she wants to be a part of your life she will come back. Try and be strong. your life your terms, if she wants to be a part of that then she needs to up her game. Let the crush go dont be needy. she would of fallen in love with you because you were a challenge, you need to be the man again not worry or care. it sux to say but i needed to stop being a neddy wuss and look for her love and affection. be stong and know there are other people out there like you.

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Haha

Advice please! I met my best friend around 2 years ago, and we instantly “clicked” and became best friends. We were practically inseparable and weren’t afraid to share our darkest secrets. But she became more and more controlling, rude and mean to me. She would constantly criticize my figure and clothing choices, and even when I explicitly said that I didn’t like it, she didn’t stop. My breasts are rather large thanks to my mother’s genes, and she always uses offensive breast-related nicknames to refer to me, but when I confront her about it, she apologizes but doesn’t do anything to change.(And even then I felt really uncomfortable telling her about it). Whenever she sees me, she just slaps me hard in the back or even throws her pencil case at me to grab my attention. She practically demands my attention and company all the time, and I just can’t refuse her. However I need more personal space than the average person, and although I told her that I needed space, she still kept intruding into every single aspect of my life. The thing is, she is very supportive sometimes, so I really don’t know what to do…

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Blue

I have been trying to leave my “friends with benefits” for a while because he has been very abusive and I have caught too many emotions for him. But I always go back to him. I really don’t want to like him anymore because all he doesn’t is belittle me. What steps can I take to help me overcome this and get out of the toxic relationship?

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Karen Young

There is no easy way to do this. Strength, courage and self-respect. You have enough of all of these in you to get out of the relationship when you decide that you deserve better than you are getting.

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Tommy

Walk away before it gets to deep and he becomes more physical. I know there is someone better out there for you.

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Marle

I’ve been seeing this boy for about a year and 7 months now, and we started off great. Relationship was healthy and things were flowing nicely. However, he is an addict and comes from a troubled past.. his life is about completely opposite of mine. We fell in love quickly, I wanted to “fix” him, I wanted to be there for him. We became extremely dependant on each other, I was the only person in his life who truly cared for him, and provided and took care of him.(I was 16 at the time, he was 18) The first 3 months went by fairly quickly, no problems, no arguments. Over the span of another 2 or 3 months things started changing drastically. He became controlling, manipulative, always had to have my full attention. He demanded all my passwords to social media, told me I couldn’t speak to any other male, removed all males off all of my social media, contact list, etc… He was turning into someone I dreaded for the longest time. He was becoming verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive. He became toxic. Everyone around me told me they could look at me and tell I was drained and miserable. But I stayed because I loved him. I pushed through it with the false hope that “things can get better” we broke up numerous times.. but always came back to each other. He claims every issue in our relationship is because of me, something I did, something I said. Always me. Never him. I know he will not be in my future. But I feel as if I can’t get away from him right now.. I don’t know what to do. He controls me and belittles me. He ruins me as a person, but seeing him with someone else would make me sick. It’s a horrible reasoning to continuously stick around and hurt myself, but it’s one of them. What do I do?

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Trice

I know its hard I am in the same boat. However I am learning you have to take it one step at a time. You have to love you first and realize you deserve more. Its not you, its them. Stay strong and its ok to cry.

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Trice

I have been with my partner for 6yrs. I was with him at all his lowest and best moments. Every time he said he was changing it wouldn’t last long. I am finally in a position were I am tried of the ups and downs. I wanting to break free, but I am so scared. I know I shouldn’t continue to let this person break me down no matter how much I might love him. This reading really helped and let me know I need to take a stand and hold my ground. I am going to take it one day a a time.

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J C

Best, most non-judgmental article on this subject I’ve ever seen, and I’ve read lots. Thank you.

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Taylor

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, the first 5 months we dated he cheated on me and we broke up then he came back and i forgave him to work on things, then found out i had herpes from him sleeping around.. For the next couple minhs after that he talked to other women behind my back and if we had a problem he would talk to other women. I had braces again that time and he blamed me for not being attractive enough for sex. I would always compensate for his behavior, I would step up to the plate cleaning loving him making sure i was doing everyhing well. We got to a point where eveyhing was good and there would be bad times when i bring something up and he would get mad at me for it that i asked for something. He would never really apologize but he would do somehing cute to make up for it. The we kind of moved in together and bought 2 dogs. Everything was good besides he was still looking at random naked women on instagram all the time. I even got my braces off and a boob job and he still would barely have sex with me. He would never want to do i wanted to do because it was too much to ask for he would always complain. He even said to me because i wore cat lady sweaters he wouldnt have sex with me. I told him that hurt and he was not knowing to do i asked what do you want to do and he was all like maybe i should say sorry… hes 27. I decided to grab all my things walk out he door with no contact. It was be most hardest thing ever. I am still trying to recover because i feel like im being ripped apart and didnt do enough in the relationship and i love him dearly, i still do because i forgive and want to work on it. But i did it and im recovering and now im finally seeing how terrible he was.

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Emily

I’ve been dating this guy, who according to many of my friends and people who know him well, say he has a girlfriend already. It seemed really odd to me because he introduced me to his family and friends I’ve confronted him about his girlfriend and he told me they are done now and have been for a while. I backed off a lot after that and he put in a lot of effort to get me back, but now it’s like he barely wants to spend time with me. He’s either “working” or “tired.” But if I show interest in someone else, or someone else shows interest in me, he finds time for me. And it’s usually great and I forget about everything and forgive him. Then it all happens again.

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K

When i read this it like my life written out before me. For the past seven years and even before her I have been in tragic toxic relationship after relationship, always seeking to love and help heal, but only got sorrow, darkness and so much hurt.

Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so very hard. I have someone in my life who cares about healthy talk and love and compassion now, I feel almost alien it’s so different. From suicidal thoughts to drugs and avoidance to knowing it’s ok to be seen as ok if not still imperfect, but loved. My heartfelt and prayerfelt thanks for this article. It was so timely. Warmest thanks.

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Lilah

Advice! Im 25, my boyfriend is 27. I’ve been dating my boyfriend going on 3 years now. When we first started dating in 2014, he made himself to be someone he’s not. I asked if he had anything upfront to tell me and to be honest because I don’t want no surprises he said no. I asked if he still talked to his ex, he said no. He was kind, respectful, understanding, kind of too good to be true. Going into 2015 and I find out he’s still in contact with his ex and still on a phone plan with her. Later on in the year he wakes up at 3am middle of the night to go see her because her father passed away. I’m more upset that he lied about where he went, why lie if it’s nothing?? Fast forward to summer 2015 he’s sexting girls. Apologizes and my stupid ass takes him back. Fast forward to 2016 he has this thing with a coworker who ended up quitting because I confronted her. I also let his mom and sister stay with us for 2 weeks and the whole time they were being negative, complaining, and toxic. His mom is 50, single and always brings up her ex husband and still asks my boyfriend with help with her rent and they always argue about finances. His sister is a bitch and a theif. She’s 23 , stole my necklace and lied about it and her energy is so negative and she’s so fake always talking behind my back but smiling in my face. Their whole family is toxic and they use him but he doesn’t see it and I’m tired of trying with this relationship. He has no ambition. I’m a photographer/choreographer/communications assistant and everyday I’m trying to learn and grow and be kind. He is a angry man, mad at the world, woe it’s me I had a bad childhood. Like ok me too, but I have to keep pushing. I feel like I have no more love to give. He always brings up that he’s been doing his best but his best is not good enough. I’m sorry but he has sociopath behaviors and maybe I’m crazy for seeing this and still staying with him. But it’s hard honestly we live together and it’s under my name. Part of me wants to give him a few months to save and move out (because he’s my friend) and the other half wants him to just leave right now. He is a negative, pessimist, boring, mean, controlling man. I just need to know I’m not crazy for wanting to leave him and his family is part of the problem. I can’t see myself marrying him and being around his family they drain me.

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Karen Young

So this man has lied to you, cheated on you, been caught sexting girls, is mean to you, tries to control you, and you’re wondering if you should leave or stay? You already have the answer. You just need to be brave enough to listen.

Reply

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