If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
Hi Karen
I think this article you wrote spoke to me so clearly, so concisely; I felt like you were talking to me. I’m at the beginning stages of a “backhanded breakup” (aka…treating me like garbage until I reached my breaking point and ultimately had to walk away from him FOR GOOD)
Some days are better than others, crying spells come in a little spurts here and there. After reading your article, I never would’ve thought that my ex would a toxic and selfish person. But damn, you nailed it…right on the head! Your article gave me hope that things will be okay and confirmation that I did the right thing.
The only thing I still worry about is having to cross paths with him eventually in the future. I don’t know when or how or where, but it’s almost comical how when you’re at your best and life is great, they somehow find a way to weasel themselves back into your life. It’s almost as if a dormant alarm goes off in his head!
I know in time, I can be strong. But I’m not gonna lie, Karen. I’m absolutely terrified of the day that would cross paths with him again. He was my kryptonite for almost 3 years. I guess my only hope is that I’m a good enough place to remember that I deserve so much more.
Thank you again for this AMAZING piece of writing! It’s a game changer for sure.
You’re so welcome Anita. You sound so strong and so clear. By the time you cross paths with your ex again, you will be a different person to the one you were when you were with him – stronger, wiser, clearer and more able to see through any of his toxic behaviour. You will absolutely be strong enough – I have no doubt.
So here I am again trying to figure out what to do now. It’s been a few months now since the divorce and I have been working hard on my self trying to heal from a the pain and feelings of failure and I’ve made some progress. I don’t cry as often, and can even sometimes stop myself before it happens. I know that means I am moving along in the right direction and for that I am grateful.
But I’ve hit a spot I can’t seem to get past, and I just feel like i’m moving through life and not getting anywhere. Part of that I’m sure is just plain fear. Fear of what the future holds and fear that things will never change. I’ve more oft less become home bound, only going out to get groceries and pet food, things I have to have just to stay alive.
I don’t go see people, I don’t even call anyone. I don’t want to bother most of them with what probably sounds like the same thing over and over again. It’s very hard to talk to anyone about what’s going on with me because either I am afraid they won’t understand, or I’ afraid to sound like a whiny woman. I’m catching myself more and more often thinking the classic bitter thoughts that make me feel like a real shrew. There is a love hate feeling inside that is hard to get rid of. I am so angry these days. At him, yes, a lot with him. But there is anger at myself as well for being so spineless and fearful all the time. I thought I could just bury myself out here and find some contentment by working hard and making this place as beautiful as possible. I want it to be the safe haven I have always dreamed of having, surrounded by serenity and good thoughts. I thought I could find my peace I have so desperately needed by making my home and land a place to feel good in But even that isn’t working because my body no longer tolerates all the abuse I have laid on it. I push myself so hard that now I am starting to cause injuries to myself. And then when I can’t work, I find that all that work didn’t change anything. When I stop and try to recover, there is still all the same things as before. the too quiet hours alone. And the sadness that pervades me with feelings of loss and loneliness. Nothing has changed inside, i still yearn for something I can’t have anymore, and even when I know if it was offered again i could not accept. The price was too high. And I can’t help but wonder if this is my destiny, am I always going to feel this way/ And do I have what it takes inside to change what I need to change in myself to be able to truly begin my life again? It’s like I’ve come up against another huge wall that I can’t get over and I find myself just sitting at the base of it wondering, is this it then? How can I overcome this lost feeling? I know thre is a place of joy up ahead if I could only reach it. But I wonder really, if it’s even worth the effort to keep struggling through the days. I guess I best find a good chisel and hammer and start the fight anew, break down that wall somehow and hope that if I do manage to break through, there will be something there to make it worthwhile. Or will it still be just me with the same of thoughts…plugging along?
THANK YOU!!!! I’ve read a lot of articles but the two on your website are the best ever for my situation. I’ve had tremendous growth separating from my toxic mother and brother. This article provides the insight/knowledge and truth for the thing I have continued to struggle with in my growth — how to process the guilt, sadness and feeling that my choices have left family members feeling abandoned. Every word of this article spoke to me and addressed exactly what I couldn’t/hadn’t yet processed. Thank you!!!
Thank you, your article really helped me come to terms with my crippling depression. Every day, my friend, who only goes by “fat c***” bullies me and assaults me. I feel like giving up, but this article is going to help me let go. Thank you so much
Ian I’m so pleased you found the article. Your friend is not a friend, but there are people out there who would want someone like in their lives and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don’t give up on you – give up on your friendship if it’s feeling toxic and damaging to you – but don’t give up on you.
Thanks for a wonderful article, Karen, it’s a complete affirmation of all of the “revelations” I’ve come to know in the healing process I am going through. Mine has, until recently, been a lifelong journey with several toxic family members, most influential of which has been my mother. I have already swiftly & permanently dissolved my relationship with one of my controlling & abusive siblings & after one last attempt of my mother using her chronic emotional blackmail, I have set new rules…my rules…regarding our interactions. It’s amazing how much better I feel. My spouse was somewhat surprised by the fact that I have felt very little guilt in all this because I have always been the family “fixer”. After 50+ years, I finally came to the realization that this had to be done for the sake of MY physical, mental, & emotional health. I am all the better for it & I wish much strength & perseverance to others in these situations.
Hi.
Extremely insightful article. Thank you.
I have just come out of a four year relationship with a toxic woman. Everything was great until I moved in with her, and literally within weeks, the love and affection began to drop.
When I questioned if everything was OK with us, she would tell me to stop being so paranoid. The coldness increased and whenever I dared question it, she’d just tell me to relax and let us be us. (There really was a noticeable decline in love & affection there. It wasn’t in my head).
She would belittle me in front of friends and family, and wore my nerves and confidence down massively over two years.
The colder she got, the more I tried to be loving and considerate to pull it all back.
I’d obsessively imagine myself leaving her during the time we lived together, and thought about how better of I would be if I had the strength to do it, and somedays I felt strong enough to. But instead, I carried on trying to let her see how much I loved her, and hoped she’d change and show me the same. I expected some ‘Eureka’ moment from her’ which never came.
She said we were finished, two weeks ago, after I asked her for a hug in bed. Within two days my stuff was out and I’m now living with my parents for a little while.
Despite my wanting it to work so much, and the obsessive thoughts about getting out, the shock and trauma I am feeling now is incredible. I didn’t think I’d be heartbroken in the slightest, but my heart is in shreds, along with my nerves. I can’t stop thinking about her.
I am a naturally loving caring, considerate, sensitive man, (intelligent and confident with a good job/career), and she’s worn me down to what I hope doesn’t evolve in to a nervous breakdown.
I’m trying to be strong, but its all very very raw, and I am left empty, and angry at myself for still wanting her.
Thank you for the article. It’s gone some way to helping me understand her, and that it wasn’t my fault.
Toby, I understand completely how you feel because you just can’t comprehend why the person you loved so much was once so warm and loving towards you, and has become cold and plays controlling mind games with you which make you feel like you are going crazy as you start to feel so anxious and insecure and you question yourself as to what you have done to warrant their behaviour. Eventually you find that they eat away at your confidence because no matter what you do, you just can’t fix it and the reality is that you can’t fix them either. You haven’t done anything to justify their behaviour and the issue is theirs not yours. I split up with my ex nearly a month ago and it still feels incredibly raw. I miss him desperately and am trying my best to get back on track but it won’t happen over night because you’ve invested your heart in that person and the hope of a long term future. Just give yourself time and write down the negative things that happened in the relationship as a reminder as to why you are no longer with that person. It will help you with the grieving process and spend lots of time with your family and friends and talk to them about how you are feeling. They will act as your conscience as to why you are no longer with that person. Focus on healing yourself and reminding yourself that you are an amazing person with an enormous amount of love to give to the right person, but just give yourself time to heal. Stay strong Toby. You can do this!!!
Hi Toby, I have been there too, and it’s not fun and it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown too, and in a way I think I did. But I”m still here, I”m still in one piece more or less. It’s been about 6 months of hell for me, including a divorce. I thought once the divorce was final and it was all said and done, that I could finally start to accept it all and just let go. And I am still working on that part. But I am here to tell you that you can survive this and believe it or not you will feel better as time goes by. I spent hours and days just researching all of it, trying so hard to understand what happened, and I learned a lot during that time. What makes a person like that, how they can be so cold, and why did I want so badly to believe I could maybe help them? I know a lot about the whole psychology now, and it makes sense, they are not capable of what we define as love. They are damaged, most of them beyond repair, and I know there isn’t a thing I can ever do for him to help him. I gave mine 16 years of my life and then one day he was just done with me. He discarded me like I was nothing but gum on his shoe. When that happened my whole life was turned upside down and inside out and I was left in a puddle on the ground. Your whole perception of life changes and it’s almost like completely starting over with life. And there are so many ways of looking at it, it blows me away, everyone has a different idea for you to try and advice is everywhere. I have listened and studied and tried things until I am blue in the face, and the only thing at all that has given me any solace is this fact. You don’t have to understand it, except to know you can’t fix it. And you never will understand it because you aren’t made that way, it isn’t in you to know how someone can do the hurtful things they do, because you couldn’t do it if you tried. They are broken beyond repair, and you can drive yourself crazy trying to find answers, or you can choose to live your life in the best manner you know how. You can choose to continue suffering with the pain of it all, or you can choose to stop hurting. Either way, believe me, they could care less. It really is as simple as that, you can choose which way to go. I was taking a walk one day and trying to sort things out in my head and all the time feeling so incredibly hurt inside. I cried until I thought I would never stop. So tied up with the despair I couldn’t even see the path in front of me. And this little voice in my head said, you can choose to stop the hurt, it is a choice. And I realized in that moment that I was at that point, causing my own pain. What had happened was over, done, but I was choosing over and over again to bring it back. And it was simple as that, when I realized I was doing it to myself, I stopped. My tears dried up and I felt such relief. I was controlling what was happening inside, no one else could do that but me. And I chose not to hurt at that moment. And as I continued my walk I was able to look around for the first time in so long and actually see the beauty there was and marveled that it had been there the whole time and I missed it because of the hurt I was giving to myself.
I’m not saying that I never hurt anymore, it still blindsides me sometimes, but those times are getting further apart and I am quicker to realize that I am allowing it. Slowly but surely I am starting to get interested again in life and I’m seeing that I do have reasons to be happy. I look for things to feel grateful for and I’m starting to heal. You and I are kindred spirits as well as the many, many people here with hurts so big they aren’t sure if they even want to live. But we must and that is because we have been through holy hell to get this far and I for one, do not want to ever have to do this again. It is one of life’s lessons we have to learn in order to grow and in that way, it truly is a gift from the universe, and I completely and utterly believe that to be true. We are here to learn this lesson, and we can learn it now. or keep on banging our heads against the wall over and over. Believe me, it may not seem like it now, but truly, the worst is over, you’ve made it out and it really is the downhill side now. Just hang in there, and don’t give up. You have the choice to become more than you ever thought possible. Lets do it, okay? You are not alone on this quest, and we can all do it together. I know we can. Much love to you and to all of you, We are stronger than we think.
My sister is toxic (to me). I’ve moved far away from her and sacrificed being close to my parents. I miss them so much – I fight back tears everyday. It’s been almost 3 years living so far away.
When and if I visit for holidays, it takes all of my strength to stay happy. My parents don’t see her cruelty. It’s very passive aggressive. I see her as a wedge.
Thank you for the article. It confirms that I made the right choice long ago. To leave.
This article is so relevant and I struggle every single day..often passive suicidal (don’t have the guts really) and depressive thoughts that I don’t know where to turn to. I am married with 2 kids but somehow a man (not my husband) who was in my past, came into my life 3 years ago and uses me for purely virtual sexual fantasy and ignores me at all other times. However, I hate the way he treats me and I probably talk to him because deep down, I have unfulfilled needs. I understand he is not the right person and everyday, I hate the person I am. Today I had a huge argument letting him know I am not going to play the same game. Tomorrow I will probably beat myself up for the argument, lick my wounds, and tell myself I am to blame. Somehow, as the article says, I am a smaller, wounded person and a shell. Everyday, I tell myself the only reason to live is my 2 kids. Everyday, I count the hours to sleep and wonder if death can relieve me. I was not this person many years ago. This toxic, virtual relationship has ruined me. To think I was once a strong woman who spurned this man for 10 years and suddenly gave in…Sigh.
I feel like I am living this article sometime. I think you said that the hardest part can come at the end of the relationship, and for a little while there I thought maybe i had managed to escape that part. I know I didn’t miss the part where you want to run right back sometimes and the guilt and the thinking that maybe if I try just one more time, something will change, and although I’ve had all that, and still do, I was sort of prepared for that and have managed not to cave to it. But I guess I had no way of preparing for how he would react, and I’ve been caught off guard a lot lately. He came to get some of his stuff and totally disregarded what I told him before. I told him he could come get his tuff when he was ready but there would be no more him staying in the shop, he could get it and go and come back for more. So he called about a week ago to let me know he was coming the next day. And I was okay with it, he was super nice about it all. And when he was already about halfway down here, he let me know he had his brother with him…who I didn’t allow here for quite a while. So, not only did he show disrespect because he knew that and also knew I wouldn’t make him turn around and take him back. Then he gets here and proceeds to take out his bedroll and his brothers and starts setting up in the shop. But oh my goodness, he was being so nice and I was so happy to see him and I thought, oh what the heck, it will be okay. But I did tell him I needed to talk to him alone and asked him if he remembered the conversation about him not staying here. HE just said yes. And then he asked if I wanted him to leave. He knows me so well, I said, no, you are here now, but in the future this isnt happening. But I told him he had to be nice or he was out of here. And he was, for a day or so…then he started his games, lying to me and then making it it out to be my fault and the usual beat me down thing he is so good at. And he spent the whole next day in town, not doing a thing to start moving, and was giving me the silent treatment and I knew they were in town drinking and when he got back here I didnt say a word because of the drinking, but next morning I worked up my courage with a little help from my online friend and went up and asked when he planned on leaving, they were sitting with beers in their hands still not doing anything, and he said tomorrow about this time. I said, no, you leave today, and will be gone before 5 pm and the next time you come here will be only to pick up everything and to leave. You will not stay here, you will not bring anyone to help without my approval first and you will treat me with respect. Since you couldn’t manage two days of that this is how I have to deal with you. He was ready to leave in about an hour but was taking his old car instead of leaving it in the shop like he and I agreed on, and left without goodbye, kiss my you know what or anything. And I have not heard one word from him since, I am sure he is really going to punish me for this one, no doubt. The car he was so worried about leaving outside in the weather was taken to the last friend who even gave me any support and he begged if he could leave it there with her and her family, he was afraid to leave it with me. So, now he is getting revenge in several ways. The silent treatment, the acting like I am not trustworthy to take care of his pride and joy classic car that he wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for me, and now trying to take away any last support I may have had. He knows how badly this has affected me that I can barely get in my car to leav e the place even for food, and he knows how much I depended on having at least her to call in case of trouble, she’s old, and ill and I don’t bother her unless I really need her. But now she has more or less poo pooed me when I tried to tell her what was happening, like I m just hysterical or paranoid and don’t be silly sort of attitude and he won again. She still loves me she said but just doesn’t want to hear about my anger toward him. And then proceeds to tell me he didn’t go back up the mountain, instead he is staying up the road from here in a place she owns because the “poor thing didn’t have anywhere else to stay.” So I sure don’t tell him about having this place to talk or about my new friend I have to talk to. And I am sure this is only the beginning of this particular rage because he still thinks he should have gotten this place and I owned it before I met him. And it was paid for already. And now I’m sure he is blaming me because I am the bitch that threw him off of it. Because of course, it had nothing to do with him. Damn, i wonder if I will ever get truly away from him, especially since he knows where I am and how to get to me. I”m sure this incident is so bad because he hasn’t had anyone to feed off of in a while.
And then i learned something else today, that my mom didn’t jut have some simple little personality disorder she was a narcissist as well. So, aren’t I the perfect candidate for this or what?
I can’t seem to let go. My lust along with my loneliness keep me stuck. Our son breaks me. My damaged soul steals my joy.
For Mike. …
You control your own happiness.
Virtual hugs xx
I commented before and never got a response, but I was just wondering if I could get some feedback. I’m 2 months into a very rough breakup. 9 years and 2 kids later, I’m very emotionally distraught, and so is my 6 year old daughter. She constantly mentions how it was supposed to be 4 of us, how “daddy abandoned us” how “he was supposed to protect us”. It’s so bad, I have her in therapy (myself as well). However, she still constantly cries herself to sleep and hurts over her dad being gone. He wasn’t a good man to say the least (I explained it in my previous comment about a month ago), and now lives in a different city with another woman and her children. My therapist tells me I need to keep communication open with him because of our children, however, every time we talk or email or see each other, I get set back to the first day I learned of his infidelity and deceit. It’s detrimental to my healing. I so badly want to completely cut off communication with him, so that I can heal. I feel it’s the only way. He doesn’t pay me any child support, calls and visits whenever he wants, and there is no stability. Am I wrong if I just cut off communication altogether? At least until I heal? He’s moved on to a new family and doesn’t care that I’m losing my home, that I can’t afford my bills, that I’m completely destroyed, as is my daughter. My son is only 10 months, so he’s still unaware and it doesn’t phase him as much as it does my daughter and I. I feel moving on would be so much easier without any communication with him. Am I in the wrong if I cut him off completely? Would I be doing wrong toward my kids? I can totally relate to this article, and could really use some advice. Thank you so much.
Tracy, I completely agree with you, it’s just not worth it. I don’t think I would survive another one of these times. And even if we did somehow get back together, it would only mean that I am setting myself up for another let down. For once again going through what I have already been through in the last few months, and I don’t ever want to hurt like this again. And I am better than I was so I am already further along and getting stronger everyday. And you know< I am not even thinking about another relationship, that's the last thing I think I need right now. I am going to work on my own healing and get to know myself better first because I know I am far to vulnerable to falling into the same trap with someone else at this point. I don't trust my own judgement. And I am okay with that because it will keep me safe from another round I hope. 🙂 I feel like I am repeating over and over again this stuff, but I guess that's what I have to do in order to reinforce myself. IT so much helps to know we are not alone in this fight for our lives.
For Flor,
I don’t know what your therapist knows about this stuff, but I do know they aren’t always right. If you feel you need to stay away from this guy in order to heal, I say, DO IT. You are ultimately the only one that can possibly know what you need to keep moving forward. Your therapist may be awesome and helpful in every other way, but staying away and giving yourself the room you need to purge that jerk from your life is in my opinion, the best thing you can do. And if he isn’t helping you support that child then there is not one good reason to even communicate with him that i can see. And I also think you are doing the best thing you can do for your child as well. It sounds to me like he is already succeeding in hurting her and if he is allowed to continue, it will only be the worse for her later. You deserve some happiness and some peace and some time to just live without having to deal anymore with him at this point. I would even go so far as to suggest you get far enough away from him that he won’t be able to contact you either. If you read some of the previous comments, there are so many women who stayed too long and their children are lost to them at this point. They have been hurt or damaged so badly they either become like him or they don’t know how to live very well in this world. I hope you stick to your guns on this, you do honestly deserve to have some time to heal without his influence hanging over you. And I would tell your therapist that is what you have decided. She may not know much about the particulars of this person you are dealing with. And she certainly should have your best interests on her mind, not his. You have to come first right now and that isn’t selfish, it’s survival. And you can’t help your little girl if you are destroyed, so put yourself first and forget what they all say. It’s only my opinion but I have done a LOT of research and this is what I understand.
Thank you Pam, I just feel so defeated when he shows up once a month, takes my daughter to the park and thinks he’s father of the year. I think I am going to cut all ties. If he so badly wants to see his children, he can take himself to child support and we can figure it out through the courts and mediation. We all deserve peace in our hearts. It takes time, but I believe one day, it will come. Thank you for your advice.
Flor… healing takes time and you have to put you first…you are the only one who controls your happiness.
With my daughter her dad left when she was 4.. when she would cry I would listen I’d be supportive of her feeling I wouldn’t bad mouth her father more so just be as honest as possible without being mean..For example she would cry that he said he was going to come for her and then say he couldn’t and I’d say sometimes grown ups just get busy and life gets in the way I’m sure your daddy loves you very much and when he can he will see you.. as she grew she would ask more questions and mostly id say you will have to ask your dad that..Would you like to call him..If yes let her…contact with him and me I kept to a minimal by not really bothering to factor him into anything.. I never had a penny of maintenance I did it all myself and glad to I taught her that strength comes from within and if you want something you work hard for it you don’t rely on any one. . I wouldn’t rely on him showing up because he could be a let down if he said he wanted to take her out I’d say ok if he changed his mind I’d say ok. On the days when he did let her down I always had cash stashed for a spare of the moment outing we’d make it special without him id say ahh well lets me and you go on an adventure instead. ..I showed my daughter that it’s ok to be let down take set backs be upset but you gotta make your own happy get up and have fun without the need of a man. We have had some lovely random trips out over the years. As she got older she chose to see him less and less I always let her decide and talk about her relationship with her dad that way no one could ever say to me when she got older it’s my fault she has no father or how come you didn’t let me see my dad… I never felt it was my place to interfere with there relationship I was just completely there for mine…my daughter will be 17 this year my best mate she’s smart on her way to becoming a nurse she sees her dad every so many months and that’s only to see her other siblings he has 3 more kids now. He barely msgs her and still now she will talk about how her dad doesnt try hard enough and we still go on random trips out to talk it out and remind her that she is beautiful and its his loss my gain 🙂 i get fathers day cards aswell as mothers day cards and on her own she saw her dad not try hard enough and for herself decided not to accept that kind of toxic behaviour. Having seen many kids grow up in broken homes with parents fighting or stopping contact with one or the other for whatever reason the result is always the same.. bad feeling ..confusion.. anger.. acting out..and repeatin in adult life the same disfunctional behaviour.. If we are as honest as possible with kids without trying to push our own agenda or feelings onto them and let them grow and decide along the way how they feel about it and are free to talk it out as they develop there own thoughts and feelings over the years then dispite being a child grown up in a broken home with a absent father they can become confident balanced intelligent individuals with a mind of there own that don’t take no shit from no one… even there dad!! Peace and love to you all here… remember your beautiful and you don’t need anyone in this life your strong and can do this!! Control your own happiness xx
Thea, you’re so right. I’d never want my daughter to resent me for keeping her from her dad. As much as I’d like to shield her from the pain that is trying to have a relationship with her father, because he is a Narcissist and a very toxic person, I eventually will have to let her learn for herself, and decide for herself if she wants a relationship with him. It’s just hard to continue my healing while he pops up whenever he wants. Rules are a joke to him. Stability is not part of his vocabulary. Thank you for your words. I just wish there was an easy medium. I know my healing will take time. And it’s hard enough doing it alone with 2 kids, all the while feeling broken and I’m despair. I’ve even started a blog because writing is very therapeutic for me. If anyone would like to read it, it’s mypoeticxpression.wordpress.com
We can get throug this ladies. Don’t stop seeking your happiness
Flor it is hard but it’s worth it in the end.. you will find a happy medium somehow hun you just have to figure out what you want and stick to that regardless of what your ex does.. its a balancing act trying to keep the peace while trying to comfort your child that can be upset without getting angry at the dad and falling out with him but the man isn’t worth your energy.. it’s definitely hard doing it without there input money wise but I say fuck em… I worked 3 jobs at one point to stay afloat rather than argue with him to pay money I just did it myself.. things like that are a daily struggle but the moments to come that melt your heart and make you proud you did are so worth it.. For example 🙂 when my daughter was 10 her dad told her that santa wasn’t real when she had been at his for the day he took it upon himself to say it was time witout askin me first. I wanted her to believe in magic for as long as possible i was so sad he did that. So when she came home she asked me I told her truth and she cried I said don’t be upset now your the holder of the secret and you have to make the magic for the younger children she said mum I’m not crying that he isn’t real I’m crying because all these years all those gifts they were all from you..she thanked me and gave me the best hug.. moments like that stay with you..kids see more than we think they see they see us struggle they see us being strong too. Your not broken hunny your just bent alittle… don’t give the man that much power over you that he could break you…neahhhh just bent…you’ll get over it… your stronger than you think your just knocked off your centre right now but you will find it again. Peace and love xx
I’ve just come out of a relationship that I believe was very toxic. He drank a lot, seemed to expect me to do everything for him, didn’t like it if I went out with my friends, if I asked him to join me with my friends, he’d come but completely ignore me or do something to ruin the night and take control, he expected me to be available for him every night and kept playing mind games with me which left me distressed most of the time even though I loved him deeply for the good bits but the good outweighed the bad. I just kept trying to fix things. It just got too much so I decided to walk away. I’m finding it hard to come to terms with it ending though and even when I ended it, it felt like he was toying with my emotions by making out that he had ended the relationship rather than me and saying it’s not the end.
It is very hard to leave them, they always leave you wondering if there was just that one thing you missed that would turn the whole thing around. Or they will all of a sudden turn back into the fantasy person you fell in love with. They will be so nice and thoughtful and make it all seem like it was just your imagination and that somehow you judged them wrong or jumped to conclusions. The thing is though, if you pay close attention, they are still playing the game and this is only one more facet that they think will ultimately help them win. And they aren’t playing it because they love you or because they want you back so much as they are using these ploys to put you back into the position that makes it easy to hurt you again. It’s what they live for. Your pain is their ultimate goal because they thrive on it. I’ve heard so many people say that you have to let the go, you have to not dwell on all the hurts they caused you and I may be wrong but I disagree. I think when you are first getting out of that type of relationship you shouldn’t allow yourself to forget the hurts because remembering the painful times are what stop you from running right back into their trap. Just because you have finally gotten out doesn’t mean they can’t get to you anymore because they can and they don;t eve have to be anywhere nearby. Because we, ourselves haven’t changed and we still have that “love” in our hearts for them and we still believe we can somehow help them.
I think the best way to be able to make it is to study what it is that makes them tick, learn and read all you can about the illness they have. Realize somehow deep in your heart that no matter what you do, you can’t fix them and of all people on this earth, you would be the last person who could fix them due to the role you played in their lives. We are as toxic to them now as they were to us. We fed them so to speak, and allowed them to continue their behavior and they are as hooked on us and we were on them, just for different reasons.
My divorce was final a few weeks ago and I’m realizing now that my struggle is long from over because I think of him every minute of everyday and don’t know how to stop. Which makes it very difficult to be able to move on and get on with my life. I have to learn to completely reprogram myself and frankly, I just don’t know how. The roller coaster ride isn’t over, it hasn’t even slowed down…and its exhausting. Sometimes I think I am feeling pretty good and that I am finally on the mend and will be able to put it all behind me, and the next minute I find myself lost in thoughts of him and I go to pieces once again. My new friend told me it would get better after he came and got the last of his stuff from here and I could get distance I need, the finality of it would finally set the healing in motion. She’s been there so she knows and that gives me hope.
One thing that is helping me to keep my resolve is knowing that there is some lesson in all this for me and it’s a spiritual step up once you make it. And I also believe that people are put in our lives for reasons and that keeps me from feeling like a total complete failure. This is something that I have to face in order to grow and if I don’t do it now, I will have to do it all over again until I finally learn whatever it is I’ m suppose to. And if nothing else all of the new solitude gives me plenty of quiet time to pay attention to my own heart and maybe I will learn some new thing about myself during this time, I sure hope so. Hang in there Tracy, talk as much as you need to here, there are a lot of people in your same shoes..
Pam you said it so well! When you leave then the hard part begins. I left a week ago and think about him every minute of everyday. The bad part is we have a 2yr old together which ties us for life . Now as of today he is saying he doesn’t want to be in her life that she deserves better than him so now it begins with emails about the baby and I think he’s doing it just to hurt me because he knows that’s what hurt me. It’s a never ending cycle it seems like you said I can go one day and think I’m doing better and then the next lost in thought of the good times or I’ll hear a song that reminds me of him why are we so sick that we can’t let go
Tiffany, We aren’t the sick ones, remember that. They are. Be strong, hang in there, don’t let him fool you not even one more day. You can do this, just please remember it won’t get better, it will get worse and when you are so bad off you feel useless even to yourself, he will walk away without even looking back. You will be of no use whatsoever to him. And with a child, you need to save that one as well. Because then he’s got two to ruin. And your child has no choice, not like you do even though it may not seem that way. Stay strong
Thanks Pam and Tiffany for your thoughts and sharing your feelings with me. You are tremendously brave women!! I must say that it has been tremendously hard for me as I didn’t realise how controlling and manipulative he was being. He didn’t want to go anywhere with me and just wanted to stay in and drink, when I did see him in the evenings, he’d always been drinking and if he didn’t want to do something he was sharp with me, ignored me or constantly put me down but to everyone else he was charming and a lovely guy. His last relationship had been over 10 years ago and he said it was because he’d chosen to be single. I think that the most heart breaking part was how he used to play mind games with me. One minute he’d say that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and the next he didn’t know if he wanted the relationship. I was in utter turmoil. I ended the relationship, not because I didn’t love him. I absolutely adored him but he took everything from me. When I ended it, he said he wanted to be on his own, then asking me if I changed my mind then the next minute saying we could be friends and he could still do jobs around the house for me and that this wasn’t the end. He even said he just needed time to consider spending the rest of his life with me which all felt like a game to string me along. I feel like he was completely messing with my head.
I can’t stop thinking about him all the time and what went wrong. I keep replaying in my head, the lovely times we had and then reminding myself (as you suggested Pam) of the bad stuff. The stuff that made me feel so insecure, unsettled, mistrusting and was eating away at my confidence day by day. I keep torturing myself thinking he’s probably moved on and found someone new and that he’ll be a better person with her. I keep questioning whether he ever loved me at all. This is so hard but your words of encouragement really do help.
For Tracy and everyone else who is suffering.
I honestly don’t know if it will ever end. If you are like I am, I fell so strongly in love with my ex, I never knew I could love someone like I do him. It was almost instant when I met him, in fact I turned to a friend and whispered that this was the man I wanted to be with, forever. It’s crazy and even now seems surreal to fall for someone that hard and that quickly. And the signs were there almost from the beginning but somehow I managed to ignore them. I even remember thinking that for this guy I would be willing to have him in my life even if he didn’t love me and would be willing to accept him regardless of how he felt about me. I still don’t know how something like that could happen to me, if I was simply timing or what but there it is. And I let him do and say things to me that would have had me running out the door with anyone else i had ever been with. Hurtful and degrading things like, wishing he would have stayed in another relationship he had, and regretting leaving her because she was so great. And how it was too late to do that. Damn, that hurt, and it only set the stage to get me to want to do even more for him to make him somehow feel that way about me. And he told me that he loved me, but deep inside I didn’t believe him, although I wanted to so badly. And there were times when I started to believe he was happy with our life and I remember thinking that maybe he was finally seeing me as the kind of person he could be happy with. And in his own sick way I think he loved me as much as was possible for him,and I think in a lot of ways he wanted to make things work. But he just couldn’t completely ever make me feel safe about it. You would think after being with someone for 16 years, you would know them, and I realize now I didn’t know him at all and the man I completely went gaga over was really only a fantasy in my own mind. It wasn’t real, and it wasn’t him. This man who showed no emotion, who only thought about himself and his own happiness and who could say things so simply without the least bit of regret that would hurt me so deep inside, this isn’t what I fell for. He was never there for me emotionally, and after a while he didn’t even pretend to be. I would be telling him something so important to me and watch him stand up and walk out the door right in the middle of it, like I was invisible to him. And I would shrug it off and do my best to tell myself it was okay. And when he would call from a job somewhere out of state, he would tell me all about how his day went and could go on forever, but when it was my turn all of a sudden he was so tired he couldn’t stay awake for even one more minute. And if I told him something that I needed help with to fix, or that something was wrong at home, I might not hear from him for a week afterwards, and I would sit by the phone at the time I knew he would normally call, and would wait for the phone to ring until I knew he would be in bed. And I would call him but no answer even leaving messages for him telling him to please at least let me know he was okay, that he didn’t even have to talk to me. And then out of the blue the phone would finally ring and it was like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, he’d just start telling me about his day like that week of desperation on my part hadn’t even happened. And I would be so grateful just to hear his voice, I wouldn’t even mention how I felt. He never lifted a finger to physically hurt me so I didn’t think he was so bad to me. But I think it might have been easier if he had hit me, at least I would have a bruise to show for it.
And since we split up, not one friend that I thought I had would be there for me, he never showed that side to them, they all think I am the crazy one or the spiteful one. They didn’t believe me. All through the divorce time which took forever, I had not one person to lean on, to tell me it was all going to be okay. No one. And I have since met a friend that has been through it the same if not worse than me and I feel she has saved my sanity and maybe even my life. And I know I am going to need therapy to ever be able to trust my own judgement again. I have cut myself off from the world and live far enough from people that I can do that. The only time I go to town is for groceries and such and to get pet food. Don’t let yourself go this far, get as far as you can away from this person that is hurting you because believe me, it will only get worse, they will hang onto you until there is nothing left and then they will walk away without even looking back. So, it’s not really being brave, it’s fighting for your life and for your children’s lives, and it is something you do when you have no other choice. There is always something better out there in the world for you, don’t let this man wear you down and wear you out, go find real happiness and don’t settle for anything less.
Thanks for sharing Pam. I can totally relate to what you have said. The emotional abuse is as painful as the physical because you can’t see the scars. The ignoring me, snapping at me, belittling me, criticism, putting me down, not speaking to me for days, not accepting no for an answer, ignoring my calls, putting his alcohol and friends before me, name calling. All of it intended to make me feel small. I’m not going to go back into that situation now matter how tempting it may be and for Pam and all those ladies out there in a similar situation, please don’t let loneliness or fear of being on your own or that you won’t meet someone who you will as crazy about as that person, because the reality is that it’s just not worth it….the torment, the insecurity, the sadness. It’s just not worth it!!
Well, my divorce is over and he is gone, at least for now and although I thought i was prepared for it, I found that it hurts more than ever. And the nights are the worst, that’s when the memories of the good times come rushing in, I realize that no more will I get to share the sunsets with him or watch the moon come up and the wonderful silence we shared while watching together. It’s so easy to remember those times when it all felt so good. And none of us, who are decent people, want to sit and dwell on the bad things, it’s not in our nature I guess. And even when the bad things come up we automatically try to minimize them or to find reasons for them. And all the tools you thought you had in place just seem so trivial compared to how you are feeling. You have to be strong they say, you have to remember what it was like, they say, you have to trust your instincts they say. And you wonder, what do they know, they don’t know him and they didn’t see the good things you did about him.
Or here is one I hear a lot, “Because of all this something even better is coming. There is a payoff and you will be happier than ever when this is over.” But for now you have to learn how to let go. And you wonder if the cost is just too high, and you wonder if somehow it was all your fault? And all you want to do is beg them to come back, to love you, to somehow change how they think about you and how they treat you. And you even become almost willing to accept their treatment, just to feel safe again. The world out there has so many unknowns, what if you are going into something even worse? What if this is what your destiny was suppose to be?
And deep down inside somewhere you start to remember the dreams you used to have and how much fun life used to feel like. And the enthusiasm you had in the mornings to see what would happen today. And you remember when you felt like you were someone worth loving, when people listened to what you had to say, and even answered you. When you called someone and they actually answered their phone because they were as excited to talk to you as you were to them? And when sometimes you goofed up and made a mistake, you were able to laugh and say, wow, I won’t do that again, and you could leave it at that. You didn’t have to hide it, you didn’t have to worry that someone would use it against you forever. You wouldn’t find yourself defending every move you made and trying to make them understand. And you remember when you could make a decision in your own life, and not be afraid to hear the negative whining when it wasn’t pleasing to them. Or when you could just be happy inside your own body and actually be proud of who you were. I am remembering those things now. I am remembering that life wasn’t about tip toeing around trying to be quiet or hiding things because you were tired of being criticized for such silly little goof ups. I was afraid to wash dishes in the evening because he couldn’t watch tv with all that noise, but if you didn’t get them done, he would tell you what a slob you were for leaving them overnight. Or when he would compare you to some Mrs. Cleaver housewife who woke up in the morning with perfect makeup and a dress with nylons on and perfectly obedient children. And the perfect hostess who waited on him and his guests with no thoughts of herself. Or would set you up to fail at something and then making fun of you when you did. And when you defended yourself finally, he would turn it all around and make you feel like the biggest asshole for hurting his feelings, or worse yet walk out the door while you are talking and be gone for a week or more. Never returning your desperate texts or acknowledging your desperate pleas, of just acting like you weren’t even alive. And then they would walk in and act like nothing was different, and you’d just be so glad to have them back, so happy to know they were alive, you would vow to yourself never to argue again. It wasn’t worth the punishment.
And when you are finally so beat down you know no one could possibly care about you, and you were so lost and helpless you just wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere when no one could see you. Then all of a sudden, they are done with you. They tell you they don’t love you, and that no matter how hard they tried to, it just wasn’t going to happen. And you remember how that feels and oh my God, why did I put up with that for so many years? Why? Because being a good person who never wants to hurt anyone or anything just can’t believe that there are people like him that live to hurt you, that thrive on your pain. I want to remember those things now, I have to remember that pain, it’s the only way I can be strong enough to not call and beg him to come back. Remember the pain, what a way to live huh? For now, that’s what I have to do to stay strong, to keep myself moving forward, remember the hurt, the confusion, the fear and the sorrow. Don’t forget that and you might just make it.
Wow. Thank you for this. Wroting down all these points it is like you describe my daily life and I have been wanting to leave for a while now…I now feel ready as reading out loud, seeing it written down what has been going on in my headhead how can anybody put up with that…it’s now or never
Hey Betty. .. only you can control your happiness. You have every right to being happy as any other person on this planet unfortunately there are people in this world that thrive on our misery. Research narcissistic personality disorder as a strating point to arming yourself with knowledge about different types of people. Understand more about who you are as a person and make the decision to choose your own happiness. You do not have to live this life in any kind of suffering hun… you can choose to walk away. They will have you believe you can’t leave that you’ll never make it mine use to tell me daily no one would ever want me… that if he saw me on a street corner he would chuck me a pound… I’ve never been more happy to be away from that man… It isn’t an easy process as pam decribed I’m now over 3 years away from that man and trust me it does get alot easier someday he won’t even be a blip on your radar.. I rarely think of him unless conversation requires it… you guys will get there too you just have to choose it then make necessary steps to achieve it x choose to be happy you are worth it x
I have been in a toxic relationship now for almost 4 years we have children together so it makes things a little more difficult the last couple years of been the hardest because he has been addicted to pain pills which is caused a lot of our problems he no longer lives in my house due to some events that have happened and we try to coparent and be together living separately . But he comes here all the time on announced very controlling he does not want to let me go he has said it plenty of times that he’ll never give up and never let me go he has also mentioned that he would kill someone if he saw me talking to them it makes it hard because were in a small town and I can’t move away and I don’t want him to cause problems for me and I don’t want him to try to take our daughter illegally he’s just a very crazy person when things go bad I have seen his wrath he says levels hurtful painful things you can imagine and then of course apologizes and promises me the world and that he’ll get help and then so it’s good again for about a week and then goes right back to the cycle. I am ready within the next two weeks to tell him how I really feel and not lead him on anymore I was leading him on for convenience and for things to be calm . I’m scared of his reaction I know things are about to get crazy but I can’t live in fear anymore every day I have to try to play the part just to get through the day at this point I have save some money so I do not need his help financially and the court papers Final as far as who has what visitation nothing left in his house is his we have separate bank accounts I feel like this is the right time to do it I just need help knowing what to say how to go about doing it I’m going to be dealing with a crazy person and breaking a man’s heart and the only person in his life and I know this is going to kill him but I wanted to make him stronger in the future I have no resentment towards him I just want us to go our separate ways help needed
Excellent! Thank you for such a well written and complete article on the destruction of toxic relationships. The world needs to know, more importantly just one person may need to read this, and know..
I have been in a toxic relationship for 7years. It wasn’t what I have expected it to be far from that it has been killing me for years physically and mentally. I blamed myself for everything single thing he has done to me. And on top he blames me for everything not one thing was his fault but mines. So this would make someone like me with full loving heart and strong soul to slowly be crushed .
im in a toxic relationship for 11years, im extremely lost i feel so weak to think hes the only one thats cares for me, everytime we argue i get all the blame and he never takes responsible for his wrong doings, ive been beaten, raped and emotionally and physically destroyed, im getting to that point i just want to take my life just to save all my sad and emptyness away and to make things easier in my words, some things are hard to explain how much im going through feeling trapped inside a world of lonelyness. he says things to make me feel worthless and unwanted, and loves to compare me to different women but i feel im the stupid one for allowing my heart to find this cruel man someone help me
Martha, I am so very sorry that you have and are experiencing such heartache and pain. I was married to a man for 20 years, who put me down, cheated and was an alcoholic, so on one hand I can relate to the emotional abuse you’ve experienced. In the midst of everything, I lost our first child 27 years ago only to find out that he had given me an STD, which I didn’t know I had. So, I blame him for the loss of our son. So at 6 1/2 mo pregnant, I delivered a stillbirt baby boy. Like you, I was broken, but I stayed married to him for 20 more years. I was 19 years old and very lost. The year was 1989. I left him several times, only to go back to him hoping thing would be different. The definition of insanity. I tried alanon and went to couseling for 20 something years. It helped, and after many years of enabling him, I got the courage to put myself through college. Then one day, I woke up and said I was leaving. In 2007, and at the age of 37, I left him, took my 2 kids and moved Hm with my mother. I only had 50$ because he took all the money out the bank. Fast forward 10years, 2/2017. I finally got over my ex husband, but I suffer from depression, PTSD, insomnia and anxiety.
Since getting divorced, I realized my ex wasn’t happy with himself and tried to break me down, so that I would feel like him. He was very toxic, however coming from a dysfunction Hm as a child, I latched on to him because I was hoping he would save and protect me from a world that can be so cold. Boy, was I wrong.
Martha, I hope this post finds u because I want u to known that u are not alone. I will keep u in my prayers. And can u keep me in yours as inactually just ended a toxic relationship with this guy that I dated 28 years before I got married. He came back into my life 8/2016. I was overjoyed, but it was short lived as he was controlling, arrogant, flirtatious and insecure, and wanted to get high all the time. I know ending things with him was the right thing, my heart is sad. Hang in there Martha.
Hey.. we aren’t alone! It’s crazy how I don’t know you girls and we are all experiencing the same issue! I decided to leave my ex a wk ago, after I said ” No More.. I’m Not Coming Back” I lost an apartment we both lived in.. money… he has hurt me verbally and physically and the last episode he literally kicked me out his apartment almost naked! Leave don’t look back.. these men are sick and they don’t love you! They do prey on those they try to fix them or stay to help them!! I can’t take it anymore and I never trusted him nor felt safe with him out of all the things he has put me through.. it hurts to know that I did everything to better him and what he did in return was hurt me more.. think that it was me and make me feel insecure! I thank god we never got married and never had kids.. God works mysteriously I never got preganant after trying for over a year.. things happened for a reason and yes I am hurting now but I hurt more while with him..: I’m hoping and praying this pain shall pass.. I am seeking help.. looking for a therapist because I don’t want this is affect me… please pray for me and girls be brace and leave.. we are precious and we shouldn’t be treated this way by anyone especially any man!
Martha can I ask what are the reasons you stay with this man? Your talking suicide but why not just leave him? You do not have to put up with his abuse. You are in charge of your own happiness x
This article was so well-written and kind. Thank you for your easy and sweet way of explaining such a difficult and painful subject. This is exactly what I needed to hear and I am very grateful for the author.
You’re very welcome Marissa. I’m pleased it was helpful.
Karen,
How do we move on once we end it? I constantly am thining about him. Im sic to my stomach without him and sicker when Im with him.
I should hate him right? Why cant i hate him? Any tips
Tiffany I wish there was an easy answer to this, but the only one is time. You need to give yourself time for your heart, mind and body to adjust to a new normal. This will happen, but it can be tough in the meantime. You are breaking a habit, and like any habit you will often be so tempted to run back into it, even if only for the relief that familiarity can bring. Stay strong. Remember why you left and keep moving forward. Do things that nurture you and spend time with the people who care about you. And keep going. You’ll get there.
Tiffany-
I just left someone who I love dearly – she is clearly toxic for me. I am also struggling with the daily battles that you are. What keeps me from calling her is just remembering the parts of the relationship that really hurt. I go back and forth between the wonderful memories and the awful ones. Invariably, the awful ones always remind me that I did the right thing in moving on. I still love her, but she is not right for me. Fight the urge – one day at a time. Time is your friend in this battle. Peace.
I have been in a toxic relationship now for almost 4 years we have children together so it makes things a little more difficult the last couple years of been the hardest because he has been addicted to pain pills which is caused a lot of our problems he no longer lives in my house due to some events that have happened and we try to coparent and be together living separately . But he comes here all the time on announced very controlling he does not want to let me go he has said it plenty of times that he’ll never give up and never let me go he has also mentioned that he would kill someone if he saw me talking to them it makes it hard because were in a small town and I can’t move away and I don’t want him to cause problems for me and I don’t want him to try to take our daughter illegally he’s just a very crazy person when things go bad I have seen his wrath he says levels hurtful painful things you can imagine and then of course apologizes and promises me the world and that he’ll get help and then so it’s good again for about a week and then goes right back to the cycle. I am ready within the next two weeks to tell him how I really feel and not lead him on anymore I was leading him on for convenience and for things to be calm . I’m scared of his reaction I know things are about to get crazy but I can’t live in fear anymore every day I have to try to play the part just to get through the day at this point I have save some money so I do not need his help financially and the court papers Final as far as who has what visitation nothing left in his house is his we have separate bank accounts I feel like this is the right time to do it I just need help knowing what to say how to go about doing it I’m going to be dealing with a crazy person and breaking a man’s heart and the only person in his life and I know this is going to kill him but I wanted to make him stronger in the future I have no resentment towards him I just want us to go our separate ways help needed
Ah, such a clear and powerful piece of writing. Thank you. I’ve worked really hard over the years to get to a place where I’m comfortable living in my own truth… thanks to several wise and good people guiding and cheering me on. That also got me into the mental health/trauma field as my career. That said, I’m now witnessing my 34yr old son struggling mightily to unhook from a very toxic marriage to a troubled woman who’s a product of her own toxic upbringing. What complicates it horribly is their amazing and wonderful 4yr old son, (who’s also the light of my life.) After 8yrs, 2 deployments and the birth of their son.. they moved to my area and stayed with me for several months with the goal of saving up for their own home. It soon became clear that my grandson was deeply troubled and struggling and that what I had attributed to 2 cross country moves and daddy deploying was instead being created by the rigid and critical parenting she was employing, most of the time out of everyone’s sight and hearing, but it wasn’t possible to hide it while we lived together. I attempted to approach her with my concerns and suggest she could find some relief and support if she spoke to someone about this. My son became a “sponge” for information about healthier parenting and understanding what his wife was struggling with, and as he began to also set boundaries with her behaviors towards their son, it then became about my poisoning my son and it has exploded from there. I’m heartbroken and unable to speak with my grandson, her illness and rage has covered every single interaction with both my son and grandson and he has been attempting to find legal recourse. Much of what this article has been about, I’ve attempted to communicate to my son as his helplessness and despair has deepened. His overwhelming fear is that she will take their son and move across the country again… something she has threatened to do and that until they have a legally binding contract, he can’t stop from happening. His fear and disbelief that he has any power keeps him walking on eggshells and trying to avoid any action that will “upset her”. Because of their child, who is now a very real pawn in her game it has become a whole new layer to the importance of staying clear on what’s real, and what boundaries are vital to set. And yet.. his fear traps him. I’d love to see an article that also addresses this kind of issue more directly. How to do this, how to live in your truth when this very small scared and angry little person is in the middle and being used as a pawn. It’s painful in a whole new way.
Hi Karen, first of all I want to thank you for the weekly newsletter which is always very helpful and interesting. today I came across above article which highly resonated with me. My child hood has been a difficult one as I have been an so called “accident”. My parents had their own issues and therefore weren’t good parents to me. Very little loving moments I can remember of and a lot of hurtful comments which made me feel worthless and small. When I met my now partner 10 years ago I had some alarm bells going off when it came to his behaviour but was hoping it was just the beginning and would change. This thinking brought me up to 10yrs always hoping of change. He would be mean or disrespect my feelings, telling me I am too sensitive and that all man do what he does. I need to add that I am living in a foreign country and this is my firt relationship with a foreigner so I kind of was confused taking in to account the cultural differences on topof it I heard my biological clock ticking very loudly when I met him that I guess I just put up with it as it also felt familiar to me being put down. When I fell pregnant with my first son I again was hoping that he would treat me badly but love my son so much that he would change. Since my son turned 4 and has his own voice my partner is taking it out a good bitn him. threats and arguing with him as if there were two children fighting. My son is sensitive and has a good heart and I can see how hurt he is by his fathers comments which he than only feels he can get out of his system by fighting physically with his father. His father would physically push back or grab him hard which frightens me. I have a second smaller son who is 1. I know I need to get out as it can only get worse. We started couples therapy with the therapist wanting to see us separately. He went a few times to won his issues which he in talks after the session belittled and stopped now altogether as the miracle hadn’t happened. my problem is that I am afraid that my older son is going to hate me for breaking up the family as he does love his father when his father is nice to him. he does mention that he doesn’t feel loved when he is mean and that his father is the meanest person in his life. when I tell my partner he just says that it is ridiculous believe a child. I am currently working on my self with help of therapy, hypnosis and tapping to become a stronger person and I do see that when I show strength that he is fne to me and sometimes even apologises for his bad behaviour but takes it out more on my son. when we are outside of our house and meet others he is the nicest partner and most devoted and patient father. I guess I am so confused at this stage to see what is acceptable. am I to blame or the cause and how to get out with my kids being ok in the end. Please help!!
I wish I could make this easier for you but it’s a question that nobody can answer for you. The safety and well-being of your children is the most important factor. If your son is being harmed in any way, let this guide your decision. I know it isn’t an easy one for you, but it’s an important one. I wish you all the best with your decision.
Thank you so much for this articlevent ?
Angela, I’ve lived that life, with the exception of being overseas. I’m past the 28th anniversary. My sons are now grown, and though I did everything I could for them, they now treat me the way that their father does. My best advice is get out now and don’t look back. Be strong, those boys need to start understanding proper boundaries now.
It is said that you find what you need at the right time – I am so thankful to have found your article. I am printing it out so that I can reread it over and over.
I’m in a toxic relationship with a man that you could have been writing about. I am trying to get the courage up to tell him to leave, again, but he is being the good cop (of the good cop bad cop scenario) at the moment. Although I know that this is what he is doing and it a form of control, I can’t seem to summon any strength out of my place of depression and ask him, clearly, to leave.
He just won’t go.
I’m working on myself, through therapy, but I feel desperate right now that I’ll always be in this place.
Your article has helped me to see that I’m not alone and understand the mechanics of this relationship. Thank you so much.
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased the article has been helpful for you. It sounds as though he might stay until you are able to tell him to go. This will come. Keep reminding yourself that you are worth it, and that you deserve to be loved in a way that feels like love – because you absolutely deserve that. The strength you need is in you – it really is. Now for you it’s a matter of trusting that.
I needed this too too. I didn’t detach with love. I stayed in too long, just trying to make to Valentine’s day when I could give him a funny card and articles on emotional withholding. Sad. My advice, get out while you can still do so with love and grace. But then, for me, as long as there was love and grace I thought there was hope. Maybe sometimes there is grace in disgrace.
That’s an fantastic article. I am exactly in this situation and it is so hard to go through. Thanks for the great words.
You’re so welcome Sarah. It’s an awful thing to go through, and I’m pleased the article was able to bring you some comfort.
This really had me thinking..
In my current situation – I messed up. After being in a 5 years relationship with an older guy, and going through a tough break-up, I believe I have never fully healed. It’s been 2 years since our break-up. I can honestly say I don’t want to be with him, but I’ve always longed for love. November 2016, my neighbour who was living in Miami for a while, came back home (Belize). I never thought we would hit it off the way we did. He is younger than I am- but he makes me feel so alive. He challenges me in ways I’ve never been challenged. However, being that this is my first love after my previous relationship- I became toxic myself- always jealous- always picking a fight with him – scared that I may lose him. & now I think I have… the hardest part is that both of us don’t want to leave, but we know it’s the ‘better’ thing to do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless, lost and confused. Broken all over again. My heart hurts. I just want answers!
My opinion is that he has come into your life so that you could see this about yourself, work on it, and be a happy person. People who are jealous and create drama are projecting. Now that he has seen this in you, it may be difficult to recover, but it is possible. If you havent run him off yet and you think he may be someone worth keeping around, consider this to be his purpose in your life. Speaking from experience, the jealousy will only get better when you do. This is not about him. Its all personal especially if hes not giving you a reason to be jealous. A lot of times, we create unnecessary fears and anxieties that have no basis. If you ever want to have a happy stable positive flourishing relationship with anyone, you have to get yourself there first otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and wasting everyone’s time. Ask yourself what changes you need to make in your life so that you are at peace and then ready for a relationship. And btw, it goes both ways. One thing I do know is that when you take to emotionally unstable people and put them together, you are asking for trouble and the integrity of the relationship will be threatened. I wish you peace and prosperity in your journey of self exploration and truth seeking.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!! I was actually searching for self help books when I stumbled upon this. As my new insurance doesn’t offer a large selection of family therapist.
My mother. Looking back as I was growing up, all the signs were there but I seemed to just make excuses for her since she was my mother. I was not a bad or unruly child or teenager so she had to control other things in my life. For instance, her brand of deodorant she used that she bought for me broke me out. She was so mad I wouldn’t just use it, she made me buy my own since it was different. The same way with feminine products. Other times she wanted to just be a “friend” amount my group of friends and would be outraged that we wouldn’t invite her shopping with us, dinner or a movie. I mean, at 16 years old, you didn’t really want your mother hanging around like one if your friends all the time. She’s put the guilt trip on, saying how I don’t love her and just out to hurt her feelings all the time. I mad the cheerleading team, she wasn’t excited, she made me quit because she was never a cheerleader in school. I started to question that she had some type of mental illness, it’s the only thing that made sense. She’s call my brother worthless and fat and most of his childhood was spent being grounded to his room because of little things that shouldn’t had mattered. Then I graduated, and was accepted to a school a 4 hour flight away. So excited! She guilted me into staying and I enrolled at a local college here. But just before it began, she decided she was going back to college and couldn’t pay for mine, so I was forced to take out student loans, no big deal, lots of kids have to do it. It was just a constant walking around in eggshells so the littles thing wouldn’t cause her to snap. You just learn what to do and say and not to. And you always had to agree with her, rather you really did or not.
Then it’s time to get married, she was all about that. Oh the attention SHE got! My husbands family got together once a week for supper. She was so jealous over that, even though we were always at my parents house for cookouts and such. She didn’t think it was right, she accused them of taking me away from her and tried to always make plans knowing we had dinner with his family. Then the guilt trips would start, I quit giving in to her. As much as she loved my husband before, she hated him now. She would constantly tell people lies about how he was not good for me. We just overlooked it, I’m still thinking she’s just jealous and has a mental issue. We built a house. Instead of being excited for us, she tried telling us about houses that would be perfect for us, they were literally dumps! We tried explaining to her, it was cheaper for us to build, as that’s what what husband does. She was so jealous, she straight refused to come to my house. Even later for my children’s birthday parties. It’s like she never wanted me to have anything she didn’t have and never wanted me to have anything nicer. Heck, even my wedding ring! She went and bought a CZ to try to upstage mine.
Then it came time for babies. She was on cloud nine, with the attention she was getting as a new Grandma, she was just overjoyed. My daughter became very ill at 11 weeks, went into respiratory distress, we almost lost her. My mother watched her so we wouldn’t have to put her in daycare. The first 2.5 years, she was hospitalized 12 times, nearly losing her life 2 of those times. As she got a little older, some of her meds changed. It was at this time when I noticed my mother was not giving her the medicine. She would swear she was, but I could prove with the dosage she was not. So I contacted my aunt, who would see over my daughters medication. By this time my youngest was here, just a baby. After he was about 6 months, I would pick him up from her house and he would be soaked to his neck and down his legs from urine. She’d make the excuse that the diaper must have leaked. So I started putting a little dot with a marker on the inside of the tab. Sure enough, same diaper!! I was livid. My husband, even after the awful stuff she said about him tried making logic of it. He thought maybe I was over reacting and maybe there was another reason. I mean, her own grandchild, nobody would do that. She was constantly posting on Facebook how much she loved them. He left work early and made a surprise visit to pick them up, he saw with his own eyes. He came home and told me I was not to go back to work, until we could find someone else to keep them. Daycare was not an option, too many germs for my daughter. The were actually testing her for CF at this time because they could not figure out why she had been so sick all the time. Then it hit me, could she have not been giving her the meds on purpose? The attention my mom got from people for my daughter being so sick, she was feeding off it. She always posted her “fake” life on social media. We cut her off, not allowing her to keep the kids unsupervised. I couldn’t accuse her of this, she’d never admit to it. But we made the excuse, my job was cut so I was just going to stay at home for a while. My daughters health did a turn around.
My mother would try to get me involved in starting family drama, which I would not partake in. But she continued, when she got called out, she would blame ME! My husband and I went down there one evening to try to talk to her, try to calmly let her know what she was doing was wrong and hurtful. She went on a rampage, throwing stuff, we left, upon leaving I stepped off the porch step wrong breaking my foot. She told everybody I had tried suing her after I came over and attached her! Which I never tried suing her by the way, nor attacking her. She was trying to get everyone she could to hate me. Most of the family knows how she is, of course it didn’t work on her part. We didn’t have any contact for a while. I was very angry at her but also had a little guilt because she was my mother. So I’d apologies, even though I did nothing wrong, she always thought she needed an apology to try a fresh start. It literally would take just weeks before she would start her stuff again.
My uncle passed away, my mothers brother. I was extremely close to him, talked daily. She hated him. He was actually in the hospital, she refused to let my brother go see him. She was furious at him for wanting to go. Just because she didn’t like him, she wanted my brother to hate him too. Mind you, my uncle was a good man, huge heart. The only thing he had done was call my mother out on her drama and lies, and that just fueled her to make him out to be a liar and bad purpose. She was accusing him of doing exactly what she actually does! When he died, she used his death as another attention seeking moment for herself. Playing the crying sister who lost her brother. After the funeral, she told his fiancé, they’ve been together for 14 year, that she would make sure she didn’t get a dime of his money. And started in on any other family members that tried to intervene. It was sad.
My husband and my family members had suggested I go to counseling to learn how to fully accept cutting her out completely. I think I’ve done rather well but I don’t know, maybe there is a deep underlying problem or hurt I don’t realize because she is my mother. She never called to check on the kids or make any attempt to try to see them. I don’t think she’s capable of actual “love” so I have no problem protecting my children from her. Rather she’s just a very toxic person or maybe truly mentally ill. There is no stopping her from destruction I couldn’t image harming my children, I’d die for them. I think I’m okay with letting her go, and I’ve actually felt better! I didn’t know I had stress over it until I did accept that fact that I did not need her in our lives and the fact that she was my mother, well that’s ok.
I’m so pleased you found the strength to let go. It sounds like it was a difficult decision to make, but one made with great clarity and love and concern for your children. Keep moving forward. Perhaps one day she will change and perhaps she won’t. Either way, the needs and safety of your children will always deserve to come first.
I saw something in my soon to be ex that helped things really hit home and to maybe help me finally and truly believe that this phase of my life is really and truly over. They say we always have a choice in life and I suppose there is one here, I just don’t like the options. It’s such a little thing, but it finally drove it home to me that there is no hope of saving my marriage, it is beyond my control.
I’ve been holding on to a small hope that he could change and realize that he really does care, I can’t help it, I don’t understand how I can care about someone as much as I do knowing that it’s a one way thing. It still doesn’t make sense to me that I can love someone that much, do much that I am willing to overlook everything to be with him,
He is still on the property here, living in the shop, and I guess I’ve been lying to myself thinking that maybe he really doesn’t want to leave. But yesterday I went up to talk to him for a bit and he was playing his music and seemed in such a great mood. As I was leaving he said I was welcome to stay and enjoy the music if I wanted, and I thought, hmm, why not. I walked outside for second with him and saw him reach down to pick up an old cigarette butt on the ground, and I saw him look at it, realize it was probably one of mine, and the look that came over him was just so obvious, He was actively looking at it and using it and the fact that it was there to give himself another reason to hate me. It was like I could see right through his mine and watch how his mind was working, and when he realized he could either just throw it in the trash and forget about it, instead he took it as another reason to reinforce his hate. His whole demeanor changed and for just split second I saw so much anger and hate and disgust in his eyes for me, it almost knocked me over. And I realized that he actively had to do that in some sort of effort to avoid any good feelings about me. It was in that split second that I realized that there is no hope anymore, he isn’t going to change, because he can’t. It’s his only protection and his fears have made it impossible for him to live any other way, it’s built into him so deep that he no longer can change it, even if he wanted to. I can’t fix him, I can’t help him, even if he reached out to me for help, I would be the very last person that could do anything for him,
Such a profound sorrow that realization is, it’s so sad that someone could have hurt him so badly as to cause this horrible damage in him. I can’t make myself hate him, but I do know I have to let him go now. I have a choice, yes, I do. I can stay and live out my life in this misery and sorrow or I can leave it behind and try to live some semblance of normalcy. And I choose the latter. They say all things in life lead us to where we are now, and our experienes are our foundation to build our lives on. And I truly believe that one of our jobs in this life is to look for happiness. To find peace in our souls, and to leave this world knowing we somehow left it in better condition than we found it. So I am not going to look at this experience as a waste of the last 16 years of my life, but only as another leg of my education. And i will use what has happened to me to help educate those coming behind, and maybe something i do or say will prevent this from happening to someone else. It’s really the only way I will be able to let him go and to honor his life like it should have been. He didn’t ask to be the way he is, But he can’t stop it either. God help us all.
Wow this article was so helpful to read. As I write this I just broke up with my boyfriend but only because he wouldnt take me back. I would have begged even though he has lied, dismissed my feelings and turned it around on me anytime i was hurt or mad for the past two years. I think of myself as a strong woman but can’t stop thinking about how this must be my fault. I didn’t try enough and was too nitpicky. How do you know?
Terry it’s so normal to be wondering what happened and wondering your part in it. It’s through having a curiosity and an open heart like that that we all learn and grow and open up to a different way of being next time. Sometimes it’s about the combination of people, not about blame. Nobody is perfect and in any relationship, there will be problems along the way. For a relationship to survive these bumps, there needs to be a commitment to being honest and open when there is a problem, so the other person has the opportunity to fix it. Not all problems can be fixed of course, but they at least deserve the opportunity. If you were doing something wrong, it was for your boyfriend to let you know, so that you could work on doing things differently if you were able. The problem is that without this communication, we don’t always know when we’re getting it wrong. Keep moving forward, take the lessons and be ready and open for what comes along next.
Thank you.
This has helped me I think. I am pretty young and have been in a relationship for almost a year … it just ended and sadly I am now realizing tht my friends were right but I believe I am still in denial. Because of all our problems and him flirting with other girls and saying it doesn’t mean anything ive self harmed and been depressed all in less than a year. He’s caused a lot of emotional pain and has led me to believe tht he’ll never leave no matter what. We’ve been on breaks and each time he did beg to come back so I guess that’s probably what fuelled it and led me to believe him. Hopefully now everything will get better for me and I do wish him the best and tht he doesn’t come back because I need to go back to being the real me, the person I was before I met him . Hopefully I’ll find a way to eventually get there … and again thank you.
I too have found this article right when I have needed it the most. I live with my mother and sister. I once thought they were my only family and friends.
It took me almost 27 years to finally see their actions for what it really is. In my sister’s case, it is the victim becoming the abuser. She is constantly putting me down by telling me I never do enough, that she does more, and that I am cold hearted. She also abuses me financially. I pay most of the household bills with a part time job. I can’t afford new clothes or even to save up. She has a full time job and only pays the two car bills. I have nothing in my savings, but she has thousands of dollars in hers. I live from pay check to pay check while she goes out and splurges on things that aren’t needed.
This article has helped me to see how much I truly need to get out. I am to the point of considering suicide because of how toxic it has gotten. The only reason I haven’t is because I found someone who gives me the love that this article speaks of.
I plan to move out in March. I get my tax return around then, so I am going to find an apartment and move away. How far I go has yet to be determined, but I will be leaving. I plan to tell them when my fiancee comes over next. I know it won’t be easy. They will try everything to keep me from going, but I know I will die if I stay. I’m terrified of how difficult it will be, but I’m not giving up.
For too long I’ve given up my happiness for them. Now it’s time I chose my happiness over there’s.
I do plan on telling them I will be there if they want to talk and patch things up, but until they actively change, I will not be having them involved in my life.
Thank you for this article. It has helped me greatly.
He will be just fine as it was probably him all along that he looked out for first.