We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
It sounds exactly like my ex, without exaggeration, unbelievable! Somehow I`ve just come across this article and after 9 months of separation, this really sums up who she really was.
I cant begin to tell you how happy i am for not having to spend another minute under the same roof with this woman!
Life is far to short and i have the right to live mine as who i am and not as someone wants me to be!
I am in a toxic relationship of sorts I live at home with my mom, I’m 27 and I have a medical condition which is expensive hence the living at home but she is a very toxic person, she is extremely critical, judgemental, and negative, nothing I do is ever right or good enough, there are some days when I just want to get in my car and drive and never come back but I have absolutely no where else to go, no friends no boyfriend, I don’t know what to do.
I would reach out to some support groups Kellie. Also see if there are some therapists around to assist you with this type of abuse. You can heal from psychological and emotional abuse. I found a good psychologist that specializes in psychological disorders and abuse. I also did a few therapies that helped me too. I have written about all of this in my book, to help others. This type of abuse is sneaky and very covert. Don’t give up. You can get help. Promise.
Hi Kellie. Don’t give up. This type of abuse is very sneaky and covert. You are right to feel hurt by it. I sought help from a good therapist that specialized in psychological and emotional abuse and psychological disorders. Don’t give up. I journaled everything and eventually I published my book to help others. There are few therapists that understand what people go through from this type of invisible abuse. Hang in there. I will get better. Promise.
Hi Kelly,
I am able to empathise with your situation. I have been in the same situation for most of my life with my mother. I am almost 30. I have recently moved further away but the problems have become alot worse. I am now considering a long distance move. What a shame for family to be this way but what will be will be, that I have come to accept.
I actually found this article after exiting an argument about basically nothing with my own mother who has a victim mentality and is often very toxic towards the people she is supposed to love the most, so I empathize with you here. I am almost 30 myself, and have lived in and out of my parents home since I was 18. Recently things have become pretty unbearable. She often reminds me how sad and messed up it is that I’m still living at home (even though I pay rent), and when she gets mad she tells me I need to get out. My dad is in my corner and does his best to protect me from this, but he is also a victim of her abuse.
Sometimes reading that other people have similar experiences reminds me that I’m not alone in my struggle here.
I encourage anyone reading this to read the book “the body keeps the score” by Bessell A. Van Der Kolk.
hey, i have been there before. My mom is very controlling and acts like she deserves people to help her when in reality, she is just being rude. I am an 18 year old who just graduated high school and am currently living with my mom and helping her with construction and I have no where else to go. I feel like i am constantly making mistakes and that she does not appreciate my help. All i can say is hang in there girl.
Im a male and have this with my wife. She hits, kicks, hurts me and screams abuse the most vile things you can imagine about me and my family members for no reason. One time i was sleeping and woke up to a flurry of very hard punches to the head.
I wish this was a one off. I would love for this to be a temporary thing and get my life back on track but that’s never gonna happen. Shes been hitting me all along and im a loser who puts up with it. Im probably autistic, but never confirmed, i just feel let down because my family went all in on this girl finally and they all thought i was being a normal human…. i could never tell them i was being abused.
“Why do you always manipulate me?”
Right.
I have struggled with learning how to set healthy boundaries in all my relationships. The last 2 years have been extremely challenging for me as I have had to let go of certain people in my life some who I have known for over 5 years. For the first time I feel like I am putting my foot down and standing up for whats best for me. I didn’t realize how this was affecting my mental health until recently. I have over extended myself for so long that I have aloud people to make me feel guilty for putting myself first. Unfortunately all the turmoil and the confrontation has caused me to develop anxiety. I now doubt myself constantly and have days where I feel terribly alone and question whether I am doing the right thing. I have always been the friend who was there for everybody, and who would bring everyone together. I wanted to have a big group of friends where everyone could get a long. It blew up in my face and I now have a fear of mixing my groups of friends. I get severe anxiety. I have tried to forget that past and move on but its really difficult.
My brother is a criminal and liar, and everything in this article fits him! He lies, abuses, manipulates, scams, schemes, then never takes responsibility for anything. In fact, he blames me! This is a great article, because many are like this.
Both men and women can be like this.
i have had the pleasure of having some people with these specific traits close to me, but i think it made me aware of their “routine”. the #1 sign that comes out is common misunderstandings of conversations between you and the toxic person. when they are trying to correct you, on words or events that you remember very clearly(usually the main point of the “misunderstanding”), but they have a different memory, which seems to always be in their favor for positive things, or your fault for negative things. and, of course, nothing is their fault. so, what i believe is they know when they broke a commitment, used the rest of the toilet paper…whatever the instance is, and it begins a game with them(from this point foreward, you lost already). any arguement, overwhelming facts disregarded, does nothing. nothing makes sense, and you are questioning if your memory is correct(they succeeded). i have tried every way possible to get it back to reality…never works. it has a bigger effect then you realize, now you dont talk about anything related to that subject while other people are around because you know whats coming, and shouldnt be if they had any real respect for you.
when you arent sure if your words will be interpreted correctly by a person that knows you(the toxic person knows what you meant to say), its because they are changing them to whatever works for them. it doesnt change, they dont suddenly understand, and everything runs smooth afterwards. i have distanced myself, but still talk to some toxic people. i just make sure they are not involved in anything important, or rely on them for anything. keep the distance though, that is what keeps you safe – dont lend or borrow $1, or give or take a ride, stay 100% neutral. then listen to the stories they tell you – and you will only hear of how they helped people, and how people took advantage of them…but you will know the truth. only let people that dont leave room for doubts close to you. its not a negotiation for respect from real friends, and real friends will apologize if they did something wrong. nobody is perfect, but someone who cares about you will make sure you are ok too, without a price
Perhaps it is not all black or white. I noticed, toxic people aren’t happy because they are unable to experience happiness. That’s why they either ruin your day to be “on the same sad boat” or become very demanding and impossible to please, because they expect you to make them happy. But they will never be, no matter how hard you try to please them.
I cannot ignore their cry for help, but at the same time you have to protect yourself. It is quite possible that Kiara’s husband loves her, in spite of his inability to be happy and make others feel happy too.
Maybe counseling could be an avenue to explore.
Add Narrsasis to this, and you have nailed my son whom is 37 years old, he had done this to me since he was about 10, every year getting worse. Sometimes he hurts me so bad, I dread his calls, or any event I have to spend more than a hour with him. My husband feels the same. We would rather mow the lawn with scissors than deal with him! In his eyes its,a wonder he turned out at all, mostly raised himself you know! He tricked us into thinking he would take over his college loan when he graduated, so all these years later we are still paying it. When talked about, he says we owe it to him. We have 2 other children, that never got free college, not too fair. I could go on and on. Never ends. Signed miserable parents, every week!
This is fascinating and so helpful. I had what I thought was a jealous girlfriend for years. It was always my fault that she was jealous. I wasn’t forthcoming enough, I wasn’t open enough, I wasn’t available enough. If she wasn’t sitting on my knee, if she didn’t know where I was, then I was up to no good.
She was sometimes jealous because she “heard a tone” in my voice.
I aways knew in my heart that the jealousy was manipulation but I modified my behaviour in ways to make her happy.
I did it for years but, in hind site, it was the most insidious mental abuse. It made me feel I wan’t good enough.
But I am good enough. And strong enough, it turns out, to say to her, you can choose between your jealousy and me.
She choose the jealousy, and there is nothing I can do about that. Good riddance.
If I had read your excellent article and the blogs at that time, I might have tried to deal with it as
“psychotic malignant narcissist with histrionic tendencies.” or “narcissistic personality disorder”.
But I think any term we use must acknowledge that some people need to make you feel bad in order to feel good about themselves.
Those people are best left alone.
Thank you
I have a toxic sister in law. At the last family gathering she announced to the people sitting around us that when I came into the family I really was an in law but said I am not any longer. Now I am an outlaw just like she has always been in the family. Say what? I feel she has always been very jealous of me. These kind of remarks are not unusual yet I am always so shocked and surprised that I never know what to say. Any advice or is silence golden? Pretty sure the people around us were shocked also and she just told them who she is?
I’m thinking he has every one of these traits, I’m sad , confused, only confused as to how to do what I need to do , I’m trapped financially right now ,trying very hard to keep my focus, I need to memorize every word , and identify each situation as they happen , there’s a lot of verbal abuse also , wears me down
My boyfriend has all of these traits. I have even asked him why if I make one mistake does he tell me that I always do……. I said to him have I ever repeated the mistake? He had to agree I hadn’t. These people have low self-esteem and when you listen to what they are accusing you of, you realise it is what they themselves are doing.
I have a friend of almost 20 years who I feel can’t understand when I say no I can’t go to a function or get together sometimes. She makes me feel guilty. I’m in the. Idle of planning my wedding and so busy with everything. Why can’t she just be supportive?
Beth let’s tell it as it is so you can fix this.
NOW,…..I worked for years with people that have social anxiety and parties make them anxious and avoidance behaviors happen.
If the wedding has you nervous and you don’t feel like going to social events that’s fine.
Figure out what it is I know lot’s of people that feel they want to avoid parties and social events.
A friend will understand this a jackass will try to make you feel stupid and plow over your boundaries.
Friends like that we do not need as life is too short.
When I met my mother-in-law last year, I thought she was the Mom I have been missing for 30 years (my lovely mom passed away)….then my husband and I had the process started to have my father-in-law’s driver’s license taken away (he has severe dementia and went missing for 24 hours with their car trying to find home)…we left it in the doctors hands and when they revoked it, Mom was furious with me – not talking to me, not looking at me, …I was devastated that she blamed me for having her freedom taken from her…. thankfully my husband witnessed these actions….When I tried to talk to her a few days later, she didn’t acknowledge what she did to me, said she was mad at everyone, etc…. Our relationship has not been the same since and I doubt it ever will again. I barely call her now and I’m very careful in what I say at any visits…
After reading your article, I now know she is selfish in just thinking of her own freedom and not the harm that his driving could have caused. I am moving forward.
It sounds as though your mother in law has been dealing with a lot, including your father in law’s dementia. The shock and grief around this can make people do things out of character. It doesn’t mean her behaviour was ok, but it sounds understandable. Be careful not to judge her on this one incident. We all get it wrong sometimes and dealing with dementia in someone you love is frightening and stressful, and can come with a lot of grief.
Thanks for your insight…..it helps to have an unbiased opinion and this is definitely food for thought. Agreed it was not ok for her behaviour but I think I can look past this one for the sake of our relationship… Much appreciated and thank you…
I had to let go of my toxic relationship with my husbands daughter. It was very difficult and heartbreaking. I felt it was a great failure for me. However, it was the best decision I made for myself and my health. I now feel really free from all that trouble for the first time in a long time.
I too am in a relationship with a toxic adult step daughter. She hates me and has no respect for her father. She twists everything around. It’s very frustrating and I’ve apologized to her for anything I’ve done to hurt her feelings. Her response was that it may never be ok. I just need to let her go and stop trying to repair a relationship she cares nothing about. I hope I can get to where you are.
You are a home wrecker, in her eyes, why should she trust or respect you? Shes perfectly ok never interacting with you again
I feel I should make it my life’s work to spread the article around, there will be others that need to know what I know now.
I am attempting to save my marriage, but in reading this now I really know what I am up against. He owns most of these, especially since he has found a girlfriend!
You are afraid….and you might have to look at the possibility you don”t love YOURSELF…I’m not trying to be mean…just trying to help you see. If he is all these things and has a new GF…How is that LOVE? and how can you say you love yourself if you allow it? I’m talking to both of us. I’m in a similar situation…but I am learning that by setting healthy boundaries against people who DO NOT LOVE US..because these are not action of a person who loves….These are not loving actions. We have to say No! We love ourselves, more than that! We deserve more! Much more! We have to demand it, we can’t go around wishing for someone to change to give us what we want. The love you feel maybe real…but you seriously have to ask yourself, “Are his actions loving?” being this way to you is NOT love
so glad I found these articles, my husband has all of the above trates; don’t know if he had a girlfriend we have been married 20 yrs, and he left recently; it has been extremely hard mentally for me because of the years we spent together, but if he is unhappy I rather him be gone, the love I had for him I don’t think he had the same, I asked him to go to counseling he said no, I asked him to go to church he said no, I have really tried. I am always the one through the entire relationship to break the ice but this time I decided not too and he didn’t speak to me for two days and finally left and is supposedly at his brothers. my reality now is I wasn’t worth it for him and he told me he was never coming back, I have always been the one to apologize, but not this time and I feel so broken but I am praying I get better, I am crying as I type this.. Thank you all for sharing your experiences
Hi Lisa, Just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone with your pain. I’m a little further down the road than you are but I still have bad days, they seem to take over your mind somehow and you never get any kind of closure from the whole ordeal. They just drive off into the sunset when they are ready to go and they don’t even look back. It’s the most painful thing I have even been through and I know one thing, until I can feel confident that I won’t find another one just like him, I am staying alone. They say we attract those kind of people because of our empathic personalities and in a way I tend to agree, but it’s more to do with being willing to give away so much of ourselves that we get trapped. They put on a good show to the world but treat us like we aren’t human and we allow it. And I’m finding out now it’s because we keep looking to them to finally realize what they are doing to us, and we somehow think we can “help” them. Like if for once we can just say the right thing, they will have this huge AHA moment and be so sorry and then finally maybe they can give us the love we have been waiting for. It’s extremely sad because finally after so long you realize, after you have time away from them, that you aren’t going to change them and they are never going to be the person you thought you fell in love with. It was all an act, but they couldn’t keep it up forever. And they will never go back to that. But we can heal, and we can learn and we can have a real life again without the eggshells and the broken pieces of your heart laying in a pile.
This is when it’s time to go inside yourself and figure out what it is that made you such a giver, so willing to overlook the hurts and the unfairness. We are taught this behavior as children, and we never learn to react in any other healthier ways. We never learned our own worth in this life and never felt we deserved to be treated any other way. As long as they tossed us a crumb every now and than, we were grateful. And when the silent treatment was over, we were so glad to have them talking to us, we didn’t even dare bring it up how badly it hurt. But they know that is how to train us, to make us bend to their will, and to take our power, we give it to them willingly.
Believe me, they know what they are doing to us, I know that now, it is how they survive too. The only difference is that we want to be better people, and they think they already are. They won’t fix themselves, they don’t see anything wrong, but we can. And we can find happiness and peace and joy and for once in my life I have decided that I deserve to have it all too.
Use this time to educate yourself about them, then after a while, start learning about yourself and start to let them go however you can. You are worth everything good in this life too. And we are not put on this earth to be miserable, we don’t have to make it our whole life. We are here to find joy and to learn to love who we are, warts and all and we can be a source of love to ourselves, that’s what healthy people already know. Okay, sorry I rambled so long, I hope something I said rings true for you. Peace.
Pam your words were touching for me. So very true. Very nicely written.
Pam your words were so encouraging and beautiful… I am sitting here in tears because everything you said was so true… I am trying to get that courage to leave my relationship because I do deserve so much better and I want to be here on this earth to find joy in my life and love myself and find that someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Thank you for encouraging words! Take care!
Everything Pam wrote rings true for me.
My soon to be ex wife has every single one of these behaviors. I found a book titled “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” that describes these behaviors exactly. It seems that “toxic” persons may actually be the small percentage of the population who have BPD.
My husband of 17 years is the same your wife is. We can’t change them they try to change us and believe their fairytales.
Had a hard time letting go of my sister.TOXIC… these articles have helped me see clearly that is is her not me! I have gained validation that I am ok and it’s ok for me to distance myself from her. Painful, yes, do I miss her?, yes but happy times spent with her were less than the hard times..I reread these articles when I doubt myself. It’s getting easier. I suppose it’ll always be painful. How sad.
Hi Michelle. Felt compelled to write. I have not spoken to my brother for a few years now. He was abusive in childhood and I realized he never changed. Had all these terrible personality traits. And unfortunately my mother got involved and no longer speaks to me…
You did the right thing. If you’re on Twitter, follow me @Laura_Corbeth I’m bringing awareness to sibling abuse.
Take care.
Hi Michelle,…..I guess the thing I want to say is that it doesn’t feel normal to remove a family member from our life.In my case my brother was mom’s favorite and he was very quiet in his early years so it was easy to project on him as the GOLDEN CHILD.
I was 2 years younger and if I had a gift he liked it was common to take my gift away and give it to him.
He lied and stole through his childhood because he was a Sociopath with all the TOXIC traits and I know from research that 12.4 million of these monsters are our brothers ,sister and parents.
8 months ago I gave my hurting brother another chance and he lived with my wife and I for 2 years as he went through a divorce.He ended up lying about needing a short term loan of 8 ,000 dollars and then ran off manipulating and laughing.
Funny thing is a Police Medium told me 10 years earlier that my brother didn’t care about me and I knew it deep inside but when our ___emotional need …..one for a relationship…..is greater then our need to embrace the truth ……then we will over-ride our intuition. Beware all they like to wait and come back to make you a victim again and I will have no part of it.
once we started to avoid toxic people and move forward they will pressurise us and make that as issue and twist the whole story according to their convenience .Then how to react?
In my experience, don’t give any reaction, pretend like it’s a surprise.
Yup, that’s normal – they’ll twist the whole story so that they sound like the victim. Just ignore them, let them think/say what they want. Don’t expect any apologies from them and don’t let them manipulate you into feeling guilty. 🙂
like u said they believe thier own lies .. i think my sister is like that she does share a few of the obove but shes also loveing and careing im confused but i am sure my friend” is a toxic person
Oh My God….
What does Oh My God mean? Do you need to talk? Sorry…just curious?
I’m 24 and my husband and I were just married after 2 years of dating. He shares almost everyone of these characteristics and it breaks my heart. I know he loves me, but at the same time never in my life would I treat and talk to anyone like that. I’m glad I found this article because it validates my thoughts and feelings exactly. Just wish he would read this and understand the impact of his words and actions.
I am puzzled, Kiara.
You also say, “He shares almost everyone of these characteristics.” and also “I know he loves me.”
If he has these character-istics as his character, how can you know he loves you?
Or you get the type that blames you for everything. The mother of my children had a medical question. So instead of calling a doctor and setting up an appointment, they proceeded to ask “Dr Google!” I knew that would end badly and sure enough it did! Somehow I am the blame for them self diagnosing themselves with cancer. Like really???? Lets get real here! Welcome to cold shoulderville! It is pretty quiet and I am the only sane one in my little village.
Question if you told your daughters to call the paramedic and they said phones need to charge and you had to tell the neighbors what do t hat mean to you
Kiara, I completely understand. You are a hopeful person and want to believe you can fix him. I was married for 17 years to this same person. I know he loves me…as much as he knows how to love. I could never fix him. I’m reaching out to you because I can identify with you. I don’t want you to waste your precious life on trying to cahnge someone you can’t. Look up empath vs narcissistic personality. I wish you luck and will carry you in my heart.
My sister is a very disturbed and sadistic person. Several years ago I became disabled. I was devastated physically and financially. She suggested I move in with her until I could get my health and financial issues straightened out. I was going to pay her for her help. What followed was a nightmare that is too lengthy and unbelievable to be written here. I was starved, tortured and put through unimaginable hell.
When I tried to tell people what was going on, they didn’t believe me. I had suffered through a rough bout of depression in the past and she would tell everyone I was insane. I lost 45 pounds, and I was thin to begin with.
She succeeded in convincing me that I was at fault for everything. I began to think that it was appropriate for her to withhold food from me for an entire day because I had placed a napkin on the left side of my tray. And I really felt I was insane.
Long story short; I got out of there. It wasn’t easy but I did. I had to be hospitalized for a long time. I did not pursue criminal action, and did not tell anyone the full extent of what happened. Again, no one would believe it. (With the exception of some of the hospital staff who had to keep her from harming me in my hospital bed.)
Such people are called toxic for a reason. Poison is never safe to consume. Stay away from them!
This article completely describes so many people in my life, past and present. It is scary to see how many people are relating to this and it makes me sad for our future. Why can’t people just be kind, and good, forgiving and thoughtful, empathetic and understanding?
I grew up in what I am now beginning to understand, was a toxic family environment with my mother being the main force behind it all, and my father enabling the whole situation (with some traits of narcissism himself). My sister married a narcissist and is controlled by my mother. I try my hardest not to be like them, and it is a constant battle in my head, questioning my choices, whether what I did was the right or “normal” thing to do.
The thing is, I have radar for toxic people and often know even the first time I meet them that something is “off”. Despite this, I get sucked into their vortex of trying to make them happy, not upset them or make them angry, cause too many problems, be too sensitive all the while, blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. Rationally I know this is not true, but it certainly feels like the truth inside me.
I am learning to manage my relationship with my family (through 4 years of therapy), but I seem to also attract toxic people at work.
This year was particularly challenging as I was sharing a job. My colleague would be particularly charming towards our boss and anyone he thought he had to impress or might get something from them (status or power), “schmoozing” is the best word to describe it, while at the same time manipulating me and others into doing his job (“You have so much experience, could you teach a math lesson so I can see what you do?”, while he sat in the back on his phone the whole time). Using non-toxic words with a toxic tone was his second specialty (“I hope this is up to your satisfaction”). He would always apologize for his “mistakes”, but he was only sorry that he got caught. He would blame everyone else for his mistakes including colleagues (“They never told me anything”), the circumstances (“I am only a supply teacher.”) and even the 8 and 9 year old students. He would use kind words and give me compliments, but they were not genuine, only to make himself look like a good person in front of those who mattered most to his image.
Anytime I approached him in a professional manner about an issue, he would turn it around and make it about himself and that I was attacking him. Eventually he was doing whatever he could to make me look bad to my boss. It got so toxic that I had to stop communicating with him directly (with instructions from my boss).
I went to work every day in fear, hoping not to do something wrong to make him or anyone else (my boss) angry with me. I eventually had to take a leave from my job due to overwhelming anxiety.
I guess my question is, how do you protect yourself and those who are vulnerable, like children, when others do not/cannot see their toxicity? I end up in “problem solving mode” which is to try to fix the situation by taking the high road to no avail. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I cannot do relationships right. I fear that I have lost my credibility with my bosses, but I am going to try to go back to work soon, yet still harbour the fear that I can’t do anything right in their eyes and am nothing but trouble.
I have good friends that are not toxic (somehow), but fear making mistakes that will hurt them and cause them to hate me. I feel like I have no one who understands or truly supports me. Therapy has been a huge help, but there is a long road ahead. Some days I have hope, other days not so much. But somehow I hang in there.
Hi Elizabeth. Hang in there. Have faith that what you are doing is right. You are now recognizing that you did nothing wrong. I had my mother turn away from me when I took a stand and set my boundaries. She is a “flying monkey” enabling my brother. He was psychologically and physically abusive as a child. I had to settle an estate of an aunt, and I needed to deal with him. I saw he was the same abuser as he was as a child. Family abuse is complicated. And everyone is now starting to get it. I was so devistated I wrote a book “My Courage to Tell” and want to let people know about childhood neglect and sibling abuse. You stay strong! You are recognizing abusive behaviours. You will be great!
I like what you said about being drawn into the vortex, I’m trying to escape the control of my mother, sometimes it’s like she interrupts my thoughts to correct them , really spooky
you need help
IT’s called self love. That is what you are not giving to yourself. You need to learn how to draw your own boundaries, and if someone gets upset with you, it is their problem. The most important person in your life is you. No one else can give you the love that you can give to yourself if you are willing. I’m not saying you have to be rude or uncaring to others, but everything you have just said had to do with how others felt about you, how it affected them, but what about how you are being affected. How you are being hurt, and you are worried about offending other of your friends, if they are your friends, they will be glad that you are standing up for yourself. You can’t please all the people all the time, but you can take care of your own heart. You have to matter too, right? And if you don’t stand up for yourself, who will? Can you find a different job maybe? Is it worth the treatment they are handing you to stay there? What do you feel is right for you?
Wow yeah thank you for this information, i am struggling with toxic friends. The main toxic friend is called Lauren she makes me feel like i have to do whatever she wants all the time, and i feel like i cant be myself when i am around her. She is also very strange; in July of 2020 she told me and my other medium toxic friend that she felt like she wanted to end herself and starve in a corner, and she said many weird things like i am shaking and Oh my lord you thought that wrong. Lauren is very rude and strange as you can see, and sometimes i feel if i dont talk to her for more than 5 to 4 days, she’ll be mad at me. But now i talked to my mom and she said its not your problem and if something bad happens, o well she’ll regret losing a great person like me. Because of my mom’s help the situation has gotten a little better; for example now i dont worry and stress of what will happen if i say something that Lauren doesnt like. However, i still worry that if i dont talk to her for more than 4 days, she’ll be mean to me or something that bad will happen. Even though i do wanna end being friends with her but in a nice way. Please send tips and help. Thanks! Hope everyone is doing well!
I am passing through the same.
My ex is really toxic and all his friends are my friends and he keeps telling me to be nicer to “his friends” but really all MY friends come to me and are like “umm he is soooo rude to me, can’t believe you dated him like omg!” Sooo this article REALLY helped me determine whether he was toxic or just plain old rude
I have found it really helps to see these toxic people as sick people. The problem lies with me.
I expect sane behavior from insane people.
My mother use to say, when people show you who they are, believe them.
I can have compassion for sick people but I can also detach with love.
Good luck
Dear Elizabeth, I struggle with the same issues. My advice is to take a workshop on assertiveness. You have to say the right words at the right time. Assertiveness is a skill you have to develop. You have to speak out in order to expose the abusive behavior. For example, once a BOSS told me to get up on a chair to put some files in storage. The problem was I was wearing a dress, and the chair was next to his. I just repeated out loud what he was asking me to do, pointing to my dress. They are lot of tricks assertiveness can show You. Send you a big hug from here.
Whenever you read these types of articles there are no names mentioned but a name pops up straight into your head. Of course a name popped up in my head and that name right now is Lily. I met Lily a year and a half ago through mutual friends. These mutual friends sort of betrayed us so we hung out by ourselves after that. It was going well for a while. She is what I would call my best friend at the time. Always facetime calling, snapchatting, texting, laughing. I literally fell in love with her. How did this all go wrong I have no idea but just one day everything slowly stopped. No more calls, we didnt hang out as much, she didnt reallly have intrest in seeing me unless it was use to her i guess i dont really know. I was just so confused because everyone knew me and lily as a duo. and everyone started questioning me when i wasnt there with her. we even recently went to a few concerts together. enough of that onto why i think she is a toxic person and still is. I do everything I can to make her happy. I dont know if im over trying but anything at all and its done. If she needs help moving out im there even though she lives 15 miles away. this year, everytime i leave after seeing her i end up crying because i dont know why, I just know im losing her. Something has changed but now I question every move, every word, every action that I make with her because i dont know why its only with her. I always question why Im friends with her know because she says things that I know she wants to hurt me such as “Oh Delilah couldnt come with me today so I guess I’ll go with you.” or “Oh I was supposed to go out with Haley tonight not you, so I might invite her anyway”. Its like you dont have to say those things to me… it makes me feel like you dont want me to be with you or im your second choice lately. anyways, all of a sudden she blocked me on twitter, snapchat, my phone number for fucks sake, like WHY … who does that were 20 years old not 16 GROW UP … mind you she did this on a thursday…. but that Monday she had no problem asking me to meet her to camp out for a concert and I let her sleep in my car. During the night, we were totally fine. It wasnt until we were waiting in line with other people she wasnt speaking a word to me. When she did it was only because i would try to initiate a conversation with her she looked really bothered. Everytime anyone else talks to her she gave all her attention and seemed 1000% more interested than being with me……. and here I am a month after she did all this to me and I still feel like shes attacking me judging me …. i was even the nicer person and tried messaging her to congratulate her on graduating with a degree that is when i learned she had my number blocked…. how do i get this toxic person out of my mind. how do i just forget the only person i had in 2016. how do i just move on. is she considered toxic ?
I totally sympathise with all of you and understand what you are going through. I have known my best friend for nearly 20 years, we’ve had our fall outs in the past but made up, she was in and out of children’s homes as a child and is afraid of any rejection even though it isn’t. I’ve tried to be there for her as much as I can, an evening there, an hour there. Recently i couldn’t help her because I had other plans and had promised to spend time with my family….she was very angry, accused me of putting them before her, of never being there for her during lockdown and then she blocked me. Totally unreasonable behaviour, I told her I wasn’t her ‘bitch’ that I didn’t want to be bullied into helping her. There have been many times I have gone out of my way to help, especially when she was struck down with ME, but taking advantage of someone isn’t friendship to me. Right now I am making use of the free time I have without driving around doing shopping for her, but if she decides to apologise then I will accept her into my life again ????
Serina,
It has been 3 years already that you posted, but I wanted to let you know something. First, that I really hope you’re in a better place. Second, that you’re not in the wrong here. And third, a little story: I have this narcissistic person in my life, an older lady more than 60 years old, and one day, feeling a little powerful, she confided that every time she meets someone who she thinks is not praising her enough she does all she can to make the person love her: giving gifts, telling jokes, being nice, being available….and when the person is absolutely her BF she then turns her face and doesn’t talk to the person anymore. It’s the narcissistic payback. If a narcissist feels that he/she was slighted, it could take years, but one day he/she will have their revenge.
Wow, your describing my sister. So sad that we or she quit talking to me going on 4 years now. She is getting married next year and text me for my address. I never moved she knows it but oh well. Do I go do I subject myself to mental abuse? I put my foot down and would not let her manipulate me no more. I miss her and I am afraid of her. If that makes sense.
What hurts about all of this is. I defended one sister and that made me lose her. Now the sister I defended is her best friend.
I feel so bad for you, i hope everything is doing okay, maybe you can tell her to meet up in person or ask your Mom to make a reunion so you can see or hear what is acctually the problem. If you guys had a sister fight or anything did you ever forgive each other? Did you hook up with her ex or her boyfriend before. I hope you know that you aren’t the problem!
omg that’s so relatable ! when my best friend turned to be all toxic , I just couldn’t bear it , she acted as if I had hurt her and been more harsh with her , when she was the one who kept hurting me , she did all she could to hurt me and when I apologized , she bring previous arguments to feed on more frustration as if she never wants to get back with me , it’s really hurting sometimes to see such people in life , who just wants to hurt u for nothing you’ve done or they don’t want to be with you when you aren’t their type.
I have been dealing with a toxic person who seems like they are trying to ruin my life for five years. This person has got me arrested and limited how much I can see my daughter. I have no way out. Help me
It’s best to leave that person I have the same issue I even got a dui over it to realize my so called best friend is toxic as hell trust me it’s best to let go they sometimes make you seem crazy but u are not
I feel like this article describes my behaviour in one of my current relationships. I dont understand how I can make things better. I feel like my brain has been controlling me from the past few months. Could you please write an article on how one should cope up if they’re the toxic one in their relationship? I would be more than happy if you do.
I met a French Woman Online. She Loves Nature. We have many things in common and have been corresponding for the past two years! I noticed she is very nice one moment and the next moment very cold toward me. She changes all the time. Always makes excuses to ring or Message Me. Stating she is very busy!! It was her idea to ring, write and message. She only speaks of being with nature where she is most happiest! I Wanted to meet her (her suggestion) in France. She got all worked up over it and said she cannot meet because she has to work over time this year!! I found out (I am a stupid Man) the Home address she supplied (which she voluntarily supplied to me without my asking) has ONLY the post code! How did she receive my Letters and Gifts? She did! But how when there is no house or apartment number only the Street Name???She does not know this!! I am going to not correspond with her for a few weeks just to see what she would do!! Your comments is greatly appreciated!!Ta
Please get on with your life and find someone local so you can have a real relationship and not a “fantacy” that has wasted years of your life. Good luck.
hello, its been 3 years that this has happened to you, but if this woman is being toxic to you after you have been nice all the time, maybe try to make her jealous tell her that you have a girlfriend who lives overseas. If she still acts rude dont be with her then there are many other people in this world who acctually are good! By the way you arent the problem she is, dont let her manipulate you! Best Luck!
Hi,
Thanks for the great article.
I agree with all of the things you mentioned in the article but I am confused about a few things.
“For your own good” has been used a lot both by parents, friends and relatives and its sometimes difficult to tell if their intentions are really good or trying to manipulate or maybe just sharing their experiences.
I know I am quite a toxic person and sometimes stubborn. I have quite low self esteem and tend to lose friend. There are quite a few eeasons for these but I won’t deny that I’ve traits of being toxic. But recently I’ve this friend who actually call me everyday. I know she is a good friend who actually cares and tries to talk me out of things. But at times I feel she is pushing things a little and sometimes we don’t see things the same way, she might accidently blurt out words that are not nice like, “you only think of yourself”. And when I sound affected, “well I guess you can think of me as selfish.” She tried to turn things around by saying, “but eveyone is selfish.”
I do feel she may not mean it by with her calling almost daily, I do feel a lottle drained at times after our conversation end. Or I feel our friendship is a little unstable but it could be me because She still treat me as a good friend and still contact me.
I really don’t know the problem is with me? Am I too sensitive or too unconfident or too “accommodating” (because I usually try to say the “good to hear” things or things to calm people down to avoid conflict even though I may not feel she is right) and careful that I felt drained?
It would be great if you can help me with this, thanks.
Sounds to me that she is very fond of you and wish’s that you have equal fondness towards her. Is she in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex? If not, has she been in one within the last few years?
I crushed on my best friend and couldnt raise the courage to tell him. I went out of my way and speant every penny trying to please him, foolishly trying to win him over.
This went on for 15 years! I wasted my 20’s trying to court a straight guy… i now have major anxiety problems..
Try find out her views on lgbt stuff, she might be trying to be your super hero out of love and my be too affraid like i was to fess up.
I am probably wrong, i have a history of getting things wrong. But look out for signs, like if she is hurting when you talk about guys you met etc, stay strong/be nice.
Sounds like a good friend and I hope you are one to her.
I have struggled with depression&suicidal thoughts for most my life. Never had counselling, tho thru my teens&20s quietly screaming out for it
Now 40, 3years ago recently lost a job I loved caring for a quadriplegic. Had never lost job before&this had put my faith back in good people again&thought of them as family so was devastated
Still had job at hospital tho was finding not enjoying like I used to, feeling i was the lowest of workers there but the only one really caring for our patients
I befriended one of the ambulance staff who had attended our call when my partner was injured.
It was good to have someone to talk to bout the politics&personalities with the hospital care etc
If we were both on shift i would often drop him in dinner as well. felt bit sorry for him knowing he on his own&didn’t look like looked after himself very well or cooked or ate very healthy. Was surprised to find out had been married but wife had left&been on own for while.
After while of on&off contact told him struggling with anxiety, depression, suicide&if he would be open&okay for me to confide in him. So he became friend&support i could talk to. This didn’t last long. Had said at start to tell me when up to it&when not, as know can be hard dealing with other people’s stuff all the time, so sometimes would talk other times not about anything heavy. Found he was very on&off, very closed. Thought maybe he bit like me, had put himself out for people&often been burnt.so now very guarded&untrustin. I’m still very open honest&trustin even tho been burnt lots&should have learnt by now! So thought could help each other. When he went away he gave me key to look after his cat& place&stay when needed time out away. Tort of it as safe place. Was already doing lots for him, dinners, housework, landscaping pickin up shopping etc when he needed&on duty&when sick. He told me he kept odd text from me in case needed to use against me?! We ended up getting more involved than wanted to, guess part of it felt obliged for putting up with my shit, bit blackmailed, scared what he had to use against me, fulfilling each others needs, then ended it. Stayed away had nothing to do with each for while, then he rang that his dad sick&wanted me look after cat&place again.
Tried keeping kinda careful friendship but in not very good at cold&closed. Tho he would often ignore me when suited him, he wonder why didn’t text, if he upset with me, what I’d done wrong? couple times I stayed woke to find him sitting beside me, would tell him I okay didn’t need to talk just tired&needed rest, but didn’t feel comfortable, like he wasn’t there for me he wanting something more from me.
Started asking me for sexual favours&said would use things against me if didn’t. One day came in really unwell&collapsed on floor, remembered him helping pick me up&put me in bed then woke to find him beside me feeling me up.
Once he knew that not on cards anymore he would ignore me again, I feel wronged, should feel grateful, count my loses no longer want him in my life just end up hurt. But for some reason hurt more that he never here for me, hasn’t been in long time, when I did so much for him then still he asked more of me now he ignores me i feel like arsehole, been asking to meet up to talk resolve so I can move on then both have nothing to do with each other which he wants too&won’t reply or even do that? Amazed me how he could see Lack of respect&courtesy in others but not himself.
Don’t know maybe we both toxic but how can I resolve &stop feeling hurt&angry&doing my head in when he won’t respond meet or deal with me
I realize I am a toxic person. My boyfriend has cheated (with his babymama) so it’s a constant reminder and it has magnified these traits to the point that I am exhausted. I chose to forgive him but I hate him for how much it hurts. I innately return the pain. I have said hateful things, i have been physically abusive, I will not talk forever if he doesn’t say anything, when I am feeling anything I don’t know how to communicate it and everything he says to me makes me feel inadquate.. How do I get help? Now he feels like he’s choosing to stay in a miserable relationship. Now its me. How do I grow? How do I get to happy?
well i am so glad i found all of you i am young vibrant chitty chatty and like to have fun… am i a cheater for that? i get accused everytime i step outside if i am asked what my day looked like at the time and i said nothing if something popped up i knew all along what i had planned now im sneaky… smh … but he stays gone for days still hangs out with his EX gf he asks his family to help her in ways he wont even ask for himself he is mean one minute nice and loving and saying how much he loves me the next he finds one thing that could be wrong and stick with it for days even if its not true im just getting to the point to where either i ignore him or just agree to get him out of my way my feelings about him cheating are always wrong he will never admit anything even if it fact he is such an angel so he says… can you give me some tips on how to deal with him
Ayesha,
He will never admit to doing anything wrong and everything will be blamed onto you. The victim in the story of Narciss is Echo. She completely looses her identity to become a mere echo of Narciss. Narcissists like things that are sparkly – like you. So, you need to become a boring grey rock around him. Give him short answers. Oh, spoken unemotionally is a great comment. Look bored. If he is accusing you of something, don’t get hooked into his bait – simply say “well, I remember it differently”. If you try to make things work out with a toxic person, the poison will still your identity, your self-compassion, your self esteem. You will become a shell of your former self. Better to just let him lose interest and leave you alone.