Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

  2. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  3. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

  4. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  5. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  6. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  7. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  8. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

  9. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

  10. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  11. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.



I love this article because ive been in a relationship for 7 years. And i continuously try to make this person happy. And no matter what its always my fault. Til this day i cant have a reasonable discussion with this person about difficult situations weve been through. And the result of it is us not being together.and its all “my fault”.


It wasn’t your fault, you tried to make them happy and they just ended up leaving you and blaming you. That person doesn’t deserve you. You did your part and tried to be a good partner and they fucked up not you. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope you’re okay and find someone who deserves you!


I love this topic. It’s sad when you have a family member who uses toxic tones in their conversation. I dont plan on dealing with this person on a day to day basis anymore. They will be lucky to see me once a month. This person has never known how to talk to people. Other family members dont like them so much. We love this person but we don’t like them.

Carolyn E

right….you can love them but don’t have to like their ways…you can love them from a distance and save yourself a lot of grief….:-)

Stupid guy

This website is on the money.
I’m dealing with this problem of a toxic person and that person is my girlfriend of 10 years.
I noticed a few of these signs over the years and was not aware of that she might be toxic.

I just noticed she was very judgemental and would never apologize for anything and she would find reason for me to stay and hang with her rather then going out with my friends.
Oh and she would find stuff to accuse me of that wasn’t true or just out of this world and make me like talk her down and explain all kinds of nonsense that shouldn’t even matter.

Like here is an example that still happens I live in a apartment and there are air b&b rentals everywhere setting the picture for you.

So I’ll be home or at work and and when I come home form work or she does she will be like.
Did you see that say green Subaru parked across the way.

I’ll answer no

She replay with huh well this girl at my work owns the same kinda of car.

I’m replay lots of people like Subaru’s there a good car for the money but I don’t pay attention to them I’m a Toyota person

Anyway the point being she will actually fish me into a fight being that this now is her friends car not some randoms and then it gets deeper and I’m not going there

But I’m all I never seen the stupid car and didn’t care if I didn’t and really don’t believe that her friend started parking over here I don’t know we’re she lives but it’s not around here and it snows here the have removal for cars not reg to the spots so I don’t understand why she wouldn’t see the amount of stupid this is for a car that probably won’t come back after the weekend lol but she will ruin are lives because of her idea of what that car could mean ?

I don’t know if you have a gf and had been together for 10 years and all 12 of these signs showed up slapped you so many times you need a time clock to keep track of what would you do because I’m feeling comfused I don’t
Like being called names and accused of things I don’t know about and was not a part of not getting apologies for anything and being called a loser because I work less and make more money


Jack, I certainly can understand. This is my father as well. And I have no relationship with him due to the fact it would ruin my life. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
Good luck!!!


Me too. I cut off my parents because if I didn’t it would ruin me. Hardest and best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

No way out of this mess until I leave

I’ve been going through the same thing my whole life and I made the mistake of moving across street from my parents . Never once have they acknowledge me or my children and all they do is put me down . I’m stuck even tried committing suicide . No way out of this mess until I leave


Don’t leave yet! Talk to a counselor. I know it’s hard because you are face to face with someone and you have to admit there is a problem, but you are not alone. Really, who out there is normal? Last time I checked normal was just a setting on a dryer. Search for free counseling in your area if your insurance doesn’t pay for all of it. Here is one website: Good Luck!


BS you do not need them to validate you. You validate yourself and your children. You need to move from across the street from them. If you had problems with them why did you move there? Move away and get your head on straight. Don’t want to hear about suicide, I call BS on that too. My step brother committed suicide and it didn’t accomplish a damn thing. You can do it, put your big girl pants on and do the damn thing to the best of your ability. Said with love…. 😀


Your not alone my mom never acknowledged my son and when I had cancer twice , a year apart she never once came to see me or call me . She said she really didn’t believe I had cancer. I forgot to mention she lived maybe 2 miles from me.
The only grand children she claimed was my baby brothers two children.

Carolyn E

no honey don’t give into the lies of the devil…..Jesus is the answer…I have had to distance myself from most of my family members and those whom I thought cared but their actions showed so much different…and I spent many years in addiction trying to kill myself because I hated me because of what other’s said and thought…now it has zero effect as I know my worth in Jesus and I have boundaries now that those people can’t cross…. most of my family don’t care about me or my children…treated me badly or abandoned me……..although in a way I feel bad about leaving them be because they are the only blood family I will ever have, I am taking control and setting boundaries that no one can cross or I’m gone….it’s hard to say good bye to yesterday (the Past) but in order for you to be happy it’s going to have to be about you taking care of you even if nobody else does or cares….Jesus can fix it though…he did for me and I never thought I’d die clean or have any kind of happy life…I am good with being alone now because I love me and God does and that’s all that matters… stress no drama no judgement…it’s actually so wonderful to feel like this today for me….prayers that you’ll find peace in this messed up world we live in today….God Bless your journey


I’m with you Jack! I’ve come to a point in my where it’s burning my soul, my father has never supported me even financially after a nasty divorce and he needs to step up and pay for my college tuition and then I’ll be out of his life. . this process is extremely exhausting!


That’s my father too. And I’m only 19, and need to be moving forward with myself, so I’ve stopped trying. He refuses to change or take responsibility for anything.


That’s my father. I’ve stopped trying with him, since I’m only 19 and need to move forward with myself. He won’t change or admit any faults and I can’t have him dragging me down.

Sad Daughter

Try having this for a mother. She fits the profile of Everything on this list. It’s exhausting because I am a good daughter and all I’ve ever tried to do the past 50 years is to have a relationship with her. She saves her best material for me when there are no witnesses. But my husband who does so much for her and has actually witnessed events where she has slipped. She has thrown him under the bus too. Our loving, wonderful adult daughter writes and calls her, always asks about her and visits when she is in town. Yet my mother never ceases to grasp an opportunity to critique my daughter to me whenever she can. And mom never has anything nice to say about our friends even though we have invited her to dinner with them on a couple of occasions Sometimes I wonder if there’s something missing in my mother’s life or if she’s jealous, or what it could be to make her so negative. She has never been nice to me but in the 10 years since my dad has passed it’s grown worse. I Swear I feel reduced to that little 12-year-old girl so many years ago. She was a dutiful mother and we grew up in a nice ozzie snd harriet family. My dad was a buffer. My Husband says that when she starts doing these things I have to get up and say mom I’m sorry you feel that way and just walk away. But did I mention she lives two doors down. She’s in the hospital now and I cried all the way home after visiting her. I’m exhausted and stressed.


This is me too, I never realized I was being Manipulated until my now 21 yr old daughter recognized my mom doing it to her. I too feel like that same teen girl after these conversations w her. After years of a not so good relationship we had finally gotten closer than we had ever been. Her husband passed away and as sad as that was I was looking forward to spending time w her, then my brother moved in – he is her best friend, they have the relationship I guess, as the only daughter, I always longed for with her, but I know will never have. We go through ups and downs but seems the minute things are good she finds a way to sabotage it.


OMG.. I can relate to you. You are not alone. I have been doing some research in trying to help myself and one of the things I am learning is that there is NO reasoning with someone like this. They are not reasonable people. I now realize that I cannot help her or fix her problems. So, I have become Teflon Dawn. I cant let her negativity become mine. I cant let her low self opinions be reflected onto me. There are a lot of youtube videos with advise on how to talk to your toxic parent. I have just begun to scratch the surface but I practiced one of them yesterday on the phone and it HELPED. I am like a sponge soaking this up because I am 52 and TIRED of dealing with this and feeling this way. Just know you are not alone and your husband is right, sometimes you just have to walk away even if it is for that one day. Save yourself before life slips away. That is exactly where I am at.


ya I know 3 women like this , every single in this list is a fit. Most of us think they are insane, but they sprinkle their poison dust to project all their ills , on everyone around them. NEVER apologize, when wrong (which is almost always), are cruel to animals, vicious in gossip and PARANOID. They think everyone owes them, did not provide to them, failed them – and they LIE with no conscience.

Its bad enough to have 1 in the environment but three? And, yes they all came from other countries where their insane bullying is apparently welcomed. Trapped in HELL

Blaze L

Yes hello there i have this one individual that i have met and know for sometime. And i have engaged with her in a relationship. But the way it is is everything listed on this page is exaclty describes her in every way. Like she will come to my place and we will have a great time conversation plenty of eye contact engage in other activities singing ect and when she does leave to go back to her place she will text me saying she misses me and then its like she does a 180 spin and now she goes off the rocker highly defensive says im talking behind her back saying that im using her as a form of reality show just gets very negative anyways is there a proper term for this type of behavior like a scientific name just some big long word


Ya one my friends from my childhood just became this way. She does all theses thing for example when we are discussing on how she is rude to everyone she’ll find a way to make it about me and then i’ll have to apologize for bringing up the fact that she is so rude. Or when my friends are with me and she knows what she does wrong all she does is leave or start yelling at us. If feel trapped because she never listens all she thinks is that she is the only one right. This girl makes me so upset but somehow she finds a way for us to hang again and i can’t shake her.😢

Hollie g

My husband is a very manipulative and toxic person. He seems so loving and caring for a while but usually he can’t sustain this because he think he is not getting back what he gives. The he becomes resentful and says passive aggressive statements that make me feel defensive. I never know if he is telling the truth of just playing a game. He seems to have no ideal that he crossed a line that is very hurtful. Really I am very confused, not sure if I love him and want to take care of him or he is just using me. This has been going on for more than 25 years.


Dude you gottah get out of that relationship.
If you tell him he is hurting you or ask him to stop, he is showing you that he doesn’t care.
Toxic and manipulative people lie, so you may never know if he is doing it on purpose or not. can really help you out of that confusion, I’d suggest going there and using their resources.


I am one of these people. I’m 35 years old and just realizing after a sad breakup that I’m the one that is toxic. Its how I think; it’s how I respond. It how I was taught as a kid to navigate a conversation. You win an argument at any cost. Nothing is out of bounds. Manipulation of emotion, confusing past events… it all comes as naturally as anything. I’ve always thought I was a good person with a lot of empathy, but simply had trust and insecurity issues. I care very deeply for those around me but I see now that I hurt people. When I feel hurt at all or the chance of someone walking away I burn a relationship to the ground and RUN. If you can’t find a way to win, the only option is running. I finally found someone that even when the chips were down I couldn’t bring myself to run… but the damage was done. At 35 she was the only person I let leave me before I left. My heart is completely broken. There isn’t a 12 step program for assholes, but I guess the way I’m feeling now I hope will somehow be a painful enough reminder to find a way to change.

Terese E

I am one too… I’m 58 yrs old and I’m starting to learn that’s it’s my problem and the pain I’ve caused in years and years… I believe that it might be from trauma when I was little. I hope the find a cure for this at least so we know when we do it. Thanks for been honest…


I have just come to the same conclusion. I demand a lot of myself therefore I expected it from my wife. When I contemplate many of my past remarks I am ashamed that I would speak to my wife like that. There was never any yelling or obscenity, but a stream of steady slow eating away negative-filled comments. One must have no enemies as the ones who love them so shallow.


There kinda is a 12 step program for assholes and you just took the first step, recognising and acknowledging your behaviour is huge, be proud of yourself 🙌🏾

Wendy L

Wow it takes alot of self discovery and courage to actually admit that it was YOU so I take my hat off to you! CLEARLY this relationship was brought to you to TEACH you this very lesson since we are not humans having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience! Yes it probably feels like your life is over but trust in your process and know that you are gonna be okay and when the RIGHT person comes along you will be ready and the sun will shine on you like never before and when that happens you WILL remember these words! God bless! 🙏


Thank you for sharing this!

Your honesty shows me that anyone can change. That makes me very happy because I believe that with my heart.

I would love to re-connect with people from my earlier life and maybe they are more balanced now 🙂

That would be amazing I could re-meet a dear friend and learn new things about them <3


That must be really difficult to recognise and challenging to overcome but it does get easier the more experiences you have with people, don’t close yourself off completely to relationships and to people and getting to know people and letting them get to know you. The fact that you acknowledge this about yourself is the first step, don’t give up, keep improving. I wish you all the best


You go to therapy and try to understand the origins of abuse. It’s cyclical, so chances are your parents were abused and you learned a pattern of reactions. Abusive behaviors stem from unhealthy attachments and poor Interpersonal skills. It can be unlearned with a good trauma therapist but it takes work and time.

Susan Ann Meyer

I am on a similar journey of self discovery. I recently moved my business away from two toxic office mates and the world is opening up! I’m 64 and feel confident that good things await me as long as I can avoid entanglements with bad people.


This sounds like my toxic negative medical biller.
He will make mistakes and never own up to them. His shit never stinks so to speak. He can dish it out but cant take it. In many years i never heard him say Im sorry for anything. He is always creating in his mind situatios that never happened and feeling blamed, accused,insulted and tries to talk circles around you when you are pinpointing a situation on him. Totally toxic and negative. He destroyed my business. Has no real friends because he thinks he knows everything and noone can suggest anything to him. He doesnt listen and has 1 way conversations. OK- now im venting.. No wonder he has no girlfriends. Also he love to have subordinates as workers. At first they dont realize it when they are hired. Then they get resentful to him and stop working and either get fired or quit.

Peter L

I have seen a lot of people like this before and I work at a school now and I see a few kids that are like it.
I want to change their outlook now, before they get too entrenched in it, but I have no trading for the best way to go about it. I try and make sure there are consequences to their behaviour but I only watch them over their lunch break so I don’t world a great deal of power.
It makes me sad to see people that are likely to go out in the world and end up like your ‘toxic negative medical biller’


So I am 30 weeks pregnant and my relationship is very toxic he try to make it seems like it’s all me and he always say I’m leaving going to his dad because he spends money so much my MONEY every time I get money he always has something to do he never ask if I need anything or my kids his kids he all for himself he stay walking out but I’m tired of it I work hard and sacrifice everything for my kids and to keep up with my responsibility and all he can say Is I need this or that I don’t feel hurt anymore when he leaves I really feel relieved now this year he has left 4 times lol it’s sad but hey I just have to continue working hard and holding my head high my sister always said he not gone do nothing because he knows you gone do it and yes she was right I’m starting to see that but when he thinks he gone get his way he always holla I’m going over my dad we’ll this time let me take you cause I’m so over the kiddie shit




I decided to forgive and returned, but I took it slowly. It was fine for a few days, until that patterns of him, being so depressed and anxious and needy, and then he told me that “You always like teaching people” and then when some of my opinions was not the same with him he said, I was trying to argue. I do not know if there would ever be an end to this, if there is anything I could do to heal him from the pain he was suffering. But inside he is so angry that he could find any reasons to fight, whether it is our different in point of views or his criticism on what I am trying to do to improve my own self. I do not know if I should continue to forgive him or simply should I let go and walk away. There is this part (though small) in me, still hoping that he would win over himself, and be back to the person he once was.

Laura S

Thats exactly how I feel. I dont want to give up on people but I’m sick of being the only one that cares and im not even noticed for it. Tired of the lack of empathy for me. Im never allowed to tell someone how I feel without them acting like they are the ones hurt. What do I do? I need help


I know the feeling. Exactly the same. Trying my best over over again but not getting anything back.

So. Cal. Mike

You know? I have known I have been in a toxic relationship, well, since from the beginning ( about a year ago ). I am 57, will be on disability the rest of my life, made a good living programming in the telco biz so I am getting it back in disability. I have told my shrink and Primary Care physician that I am in a toxic relationship and they have both told me to get her out of my house. Even though I knew she was toxic I have NEVER seen such a concise, cohesive, and personal description of my daily life written so eloquently. It is like every subject or bullet point gets a 10 on a 1 to 10 rating. She actually said to me yesterday while we were at a sit down eatery “You know I would rather be broke and happy, then to be rich and unhappy”. Since she has moved in she has gone from paying late fees on EVERY bill she has to stashing away enough money to probably put a down payment on a house if her credit was not so wrecked. For almost a year I have been helping her to help herself get on track. I bought her cigs for a year, 3 cartons a month, $50.00 a piece paid for her phone, car insurance, heck I bought her a car that she has paid every penny back to me. I have slowly wined her off of the “Mikeablity” and now she has the money but not the time to do anything. She expects me to be at her beckon call from the time she gets home from work until she falls asleep at 9:30. I have respect for her, she works everyday, been at the same place for 11 years. I have inadvertently learned what I have gleaned from your words. I too have always been an empath. I don’t mind helping strangers out of a ditch, or helping them do their brakes. I have many hobbies. Building 4×4 vehicles, electronic tech, photography ( just got a Canon Pixma pro-10 printer that prints 14″x17″ prints ). I just bought a house across the street from my widowed mother. It’s just a one bedroom with a huge garage for all my toys with an acre for my bigger toys. When SHE is not here or if she is asleep I am happy as I can be. I feel the end is near. She hates living in the country, she will not ride on the back of my motorcycle, she hates the water and has only been out on the boat 1 time on the 4th of July but freaked out because the number of close boats watching the fireworks. She refuses to go rock-crawling ( the type of 4x4ing that does not include mud ). As I get busier and busier with what brings me joy she will just have to find somewhere else to go, physically or mentally…I hope. For those who are in toxic relationships, I would highly recommend have a few hobbies to keep you busy and happy and let the toxic one make toxic stew on there own. Unfortunately the person I am with is either lower IQ or just has no compunction to do anything at all. I would rewrite the article above using simpler English ( she speaks Spanglish to her family ) but English to everyone else but I still think she would not understand and it would cause another blow up. I do love her. I promised I would never kick her out. I am tired of trying to make her happy…impossible. So I will continue to create my happiness which is all that anyone can do. If she wants to be happy, that is her task. Writing is definitely not my forte but I do have about 6000 pictures and maybe 10 hours of video (mostly raising my son while 4x4ing, t-hunting, boating and having a different gal in every trip) that I will chronicle my life. That is going to be a sticky wicket because I have been married 3 times longest was 3 years ( 7 year engagement ) and close to 100 ex-girlfriends that I am on friendly terms with and those pictures will not be redacted. I feel for all of you that have to deal with the physical abuse, my father did a great job on my brother and I. The mental abuse was unbelievable. As I grew up I realized the constant beatings while naked was wrong. My brother being sexually abused was wrong. I made sure I never hit my son sans one occasion where he was in diapers and was reaching up to get the pan of boiling water off the stove. I popped him in the diaper and explained WHY I did it. What I didn’t get until I went on disability and started to get counseling, late in life (45), was that the emotional or mental abuse didn’t register to me as wrong. I had learned from my Dad how to make people feel inferior if I had a notion. In the last decade I have grown in that respect and have made amends to all I have hurt. As you can see I tend to ramble and have a hard time staying on point. Hopefully my story will help someone. I saw a few comments out there that really cry for help. Thanks for letting me, well, not be toxic. Much Love


To my eternal dismay I’ve endured eight toxic relationships involving every type of abuse you can think of. In fact in 56 years I can really only count on one hand the men that I’ve met that WEREN’T abusive. I tried suicide four times. I agree that being kind, empathic etc attracts toxicity as does having a disability. In the end I’d prefer isolation and loneliness than be in toxic relationships…both will result in early death but I’d rather die alone. Good luck to you all!


I just ended a 30 year relationship with my ex ( we have 2 girls 4 beautiful grandchildren) best thing I’ve ever done for myself!! The last 30years I found out that he had been sleeping with my sister for 30 years also they would meet at my Mother’s house and hook there ( Mom encourage it)!! My Mom and sister would tell him lies about really projecting their loose sexual conduct on me and he would come home and start a fight with me ( me knowing he had just lift my Momthet and sister) he tried to start fights to justify him sleeping with my sister and I really believe he has had sexual contact with my Mother! It was getting so bad that he started Involving our girls In the sick games they were playing ( saying I was crazy jealous, strung out on drugs) really slandered me to my other family members and friends! I decided I needed to get help ( I sought therapy and come to find out I was not crazy what they were doing was sick it was unhealthy toxic it was not conduct not of healthy minded people) I became healthy minded my Step-Father molested me from when I was 5 to 10yrs old.. My Mom knew it but blamed me (she said I wanted her man so she made sure she took mine! I Detached myself from them and Iam happy and I have peace , joy and love! I love me and what they do or say bears no reflection on me or doesn’t determine my value! It is what it is! They are who they are! Iam now free to be Me!! God is good!! Iam better not bitter!! They just made me see how not to be!! It’s really sad people are getting off on hurting people!! Smh

Joa b McCrackin

The minute I forget the last time they caused me to cry, they strike again. I-ll hurt if I stay and I will hurt if I leave. Why? Because I happen to be sensitive, empathetic, and compassionate? I’m
tired of hurting. I’m tired of being hurt. Hurt by those I’m related to. It ruined my life. I don’t hurt others. I love them. So why do I hurt?


I am the toxic person in my relationship mostly. she has her ways about her but I am worse I just don’t notice what i do is bad until we have fought and argued all night and than I hurt her. I say mean and hurtful things and in my mind when I’m saying it I don’t care that I’m hurting her and sometimes I don’t even know how to stop once I start. How can I change this?


If anyone has any recommendations I would love them so im in middle school and my friend does all of these she somehow know my locker combo even though I never told her it and she always opens my locker and steals all my snacks,supplies …etc and I tell her not to but she still does…im not allowed to change my lock and I share gym Lockers w her also im not allowed to change gym lockers …WHAT DO I DO⁉️


P.S. My current husband does all of the above. He loves to make me out to be lazy and that I don’t do anything. It’s all him, he takes all the credit, and everything is his. He actually does as little as possible, and when I find a way to succeed as in a thriving day spa, he seeks to undermine any success I manage to achieve. I don’t care to go through another divorce. I have a right to what is mine. I am not going to walk away again. However, I will see to what I am doing and what I am building and not worry about him as much as I can muster. He has a job that takes him on the road a lot and I realize I am so much happier and more productive when he is not around to distract me and want me when I have something else to do. So I can prove to him he is important to me. In reality I realize it is his undermining way to sabotage my success because if I succeed and reach my goals in his mind it usurps his authority and control. But, he can’t stop me anymore than he could stop his ex-wife from moving in next door to us so she could try to come between us. Ya it’s been a long hard road.


I agree with the empath theory. I have had two husbands who seem to dismiss me. Oh, it was wonderful in the beginning. However, as time passed it gets to be less and less. My current marriage has been going on for 20 years now. I am in the process of rebuilding my own life. (My mother passed away and I decided to make a career change) And I am stepping again. I went to a photography class and I believe I may have been put in the path of someone who will be willing to mentor me so I can follow my life passion of photography. I need to figure out how to get past people’ walls so I can help them with real estate, which may turn out to be a means to and end. It will create enough income while I build my photography income.

I too have been trained by society that I don’t fit, and therefore I have no problem whats so ever being in my own company. I am learning to be more social because I have put myself in positions where I don’t really have to be. I was a massage therapist for 20+ years so I didn’t have to talk much. I could feel what was going on with most people through touch, and aurora. All I had to do was put my hands on them… SOLD, So now that I have moved to Real Estate I have to figure out how to calm people, dis engage my walls and be open and helpful and know that I will not be injured. Easy right… LOL.

I do see things differently than most people so I am thinking that will be good in the photography world. I can be who I am, and if I am better at it than others, it will be ok. I can travel and my images will pay my way. Perfect!! Now to get there.

Toi Wilson

I am so happy to have found this article. I’m not crazy after all. I just have to decide on my next steps in my 7 year relationship. I know I can’t take much more criticism about my handling of my life or the other people in it – especially when Mr. Toxic does many of the same negative things he’s so willing to see in others. He’s a trucker so I finally started to shut down the conversations which always inevitably ended up with hours of him talking about what everyone else isn’t doing right. Oh how he hates when I shut him down or ask him well what about you. This is a major infraction that usually results in the silent treatment. Always reminding me that he’s not the bad guy that I make him out to be. Enough is enough. I’m tired, stressed and just plain out of any patience to continue in this pattern. Wish me luck!


A very interesting read. I guess sometimes when there are children it is hard to have no contact and when you have dealings with them about the child there is always conflict on their part and then the abuse starts again. They can never compromise even though it is needed sometimes and then when things dont go their way and get what they demand it can be awful so you dread every contact. When do you heal…….


I do not want to be toxic with anyone!
Really it’s contagious one starts then the other.
So answer me this, if you can?
How come it ends up as not to feel the hurt when you deeply love a person like he is your husband. Seven years perseverance, not actually married. One ends up isolated for good so as not to feel hurt?
Rejection is a horrible thing!
The social websites like face book, twitter and Instagram are full of people in need.
I have had to remove all of this because I cannot bear to witness the lonely people including me.
My sister feels he never wanted to commit himself to us being together.
This will take a lot of strength to recover from as I have lost my very close to me brothers recently, witnessing Cancer at it’s worse and only myself to deal with it all.


George, well done for realising there was something you wanted to change about yourself. I believe this is how we do become better people, as we are all capable of negative thoughts, but if we reflect and think about it we can do something about that. I am 63 and looking back I have made many mistakes, so I think we do become wiser with time, but the most important thing to me is to respect myself and like the person I am, and hope for the same from others. The golden rule is treat others as you would like them to treat you.


This is an incredible article and one I needed to read. Sometimes I think I have all the tools after experiences with emotionally inept people who try and drain me of my positivity and creativity and sense of self worth, but then someone comes along and sneaks in when you let your guard down. I take each experience as a lesson learnt it makes my armour stronger each time and I have become more assertive as I mature. But thank you so much for this article shining a lot of common sense and profound wisdom on the many reasons why some people are not friends at all and how to spot the bad behaviour from the outset. My best advice? Don’t take it personally – they’ll do it to everyone and anybody.


Educate yourself and think of what you’re feeling and doing so that YOU don’t turn into a toxic person. I almost became a toxic person some time ago – I had mild symptoms I’d say but that didn’t feel right. Hurting people emotionally didn’t make sense so I read and thought and read and tought until I knew that although something inside me wanted to make people feel bad so that I would feel good wasn’t right because I was hurting people I wanted to be happy. Everytime I wanted to get angry at someone close I asked myself if I was right to do so -most of the time I wasn’t. Thats how I stopped myself from becoming a toxic person.


I can so relate to you, I have behaved toxically without realising. I can honestly say I did so when feeling threatened or misunderstood. I come from an abusive background, abuse destroys you at your core and warps our self belief, especially if we identify with our abusers and trauma bonds are created. It is hard to break the pattern and it takes a lot of self reflection, being honest with ourselves and taking accountability for our actions. Something our abusers, especially the narcissistic types, will never do. We have to distinguish the truly toxic from people who are just unaware they have hurt us, after all, we are only human and everyone makes mistakes. If the person acknowledges they have hurt you and heart fully apologises and you can see that they are changing, then it’s good to be able to forgive instead of taking things personally as it’s likely they are themselves struggling and are using maladaptive coping mechanisms. If a person refuses to apologise or worse still, they blame you for them mistreating you, you are with a truly toxic person who will destroy you psychologically and emotionally and you need to get away from them asap. No one is worth losing your mind over be it mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife etc.

Barbara Keehn

I believe my ex was a narcissist and I started doing the same things he did I felt I was in pain and he wasn’t because I don’t believe he had feelings but I figured I was hurting so he shouldn’t get away Scott for you I would hurt him too and I text him probably 20,000 times a day everything that was in my head I text him and it all culminated into he’s in jail today because he assaulted me I know I contributed to his State of Mind but I don’t feel responsible for his behavior so I feel displaced right now normally taking care of him and doing things for him to look up all of my time and and now that he’s gone I literally cannot move I know I never want to have anything to do with him again I’ll never go back to him but it’s just transition it’s killing me at least it feels that way


I have a friend.thst used to talked to me very nice and all if a sudden she ignore me.if I talk in the crowd she pretend that she did not hear.once she was sick.i could not talk to her.but later date I met her and told her that I did not knew about it and sorry for that.some time I go and talk to her puposly.but she is like does not hurts me.and she talk to people about my cooking is not good bla bla.what should I do.i am very sensitive and quite person most of the time people ignore me.i never ever hurt people taking behind the back or taking them bad.But people hurt me in everything I do.if i wear something beautiful.they say bad comment,if I cook something it will not be good.when I talk lots of people pretend that they do not here.These are the people around me as family friends.But when they need me I am always telling my husband too and me you g to help them.but they just do not take me notice.if Some body talk to me.they say a bad comment on next moment.beacuse that person talk to me first before taking them.
What should I do get rid of these situations.or do I need change my attitude


Hi Pam,
I am also 63 and have been on a similar journey as you, my mother was an alcoholic, and I an only child, father died when I was 9 years old. Every day I came home from school I would walk on eggshells trying not to upset her. If I could smell booze on her breath, I knew it was going to be a not so good evening.

I have only recently realized through another relationship that didn’t prioritize me or my feelings, and some related health issues, that this has got to change.
I have always known this feeling of not being loved and not prioritized was a theme in my life, but I thought this new relationship was different. It turned out to be the same in the end, same guy different suit so to speak! I got myself trapped in a relationship that was full of promises, but no deliverance of them. The last few months I have isolated myself from him and have been doing self-love work, as I now realize that the universe sent me these lessons to show me that I have taught people not to put me first, because I don’t feel I deserve to be first! Have also had similar issues with my son and his family who are self absorbed.

I have never been able to truly love myself, so cannot attract people who truly love me. The world mirrors how we feel about ourselves inside. The crunch came when I had a dream of being alone in a tiny elevator, and the door closed, and suddenly I realized there were only smooth walls and no buttons! No way to go up or down, get in or out, and no way to call for help…and worst of all, no one knew I was in there! I woke up in a panic! Boy, that was a message that I couldn’t ignore, I had no control over my life, and I had done it to myself because I fought to get on that elevator, and pried the doors open as they were closing! Subconscious is a powerful thing. Now I feel I am on the road to healing, and will never, ever get myself at the bottom of anyone’s list again. I am working on changing my inner self/world, so that my outer world will reflect these positive changes.
Hope this can help someone.


Thank You Truth Seeker, It means a lot that you replied to my post. I’m glad to hear that you are finding your way back to self love. I’m slowly but surely getting there myself but there are days when it can still be so difficult. I find myself still stuck in this miserable isolation and sometmes I wonder if I will ever figure out how to get out of it.

This holiday season is really making it so much harder than I thought it would. IT’s almost like I’ve started over from the day he left and I find myself just wishing he would come back. I know that’s crazy thinking because even if he did, I know it would never work and it couldn’t possibly make life better, I would never trust a word he said to me. Maybe I’m just wishing he would so I could tell him to get out myself. I don’t know. I just know this isn’t a life for anyone and it’s not one bit fun these days. I’m awfully sick of my own company but haven’t figured out how to get out of this situation I put myself in. I used to like myself most of the time and anymore I don’t even know who I am or what is real. i forget what it’s like to laugh and just be myself. I used to have enthusiasm for life but now I seem to be afraid of my own shadow at times. But I still know that someday this will all be a thing of the past and I will be okay. I know there is a life out there for me and i haven’t given up on it. I know that I am a good person, I do my best and I don’t ever mean to hurt anyone, so my day will come. The right opportunity will present itself and I will move out of this sad little world I seem to be stuck in. It’s coming soon, I am sure and I will be able to live again like a normal human being and I know I deserve it. I guess there is still something I have to learn before I can move forward.


Hi PAM, just want to say that u can overcome this lonliness in a while. Just trust your inner self. Do any activity which you are passionate about. I suggestion- why don’t you write about your life’ journey. Please stop thinking and start writing. I hope this can help you sometimes.


I found the strength to end a 7 year relationship after being married for less than 3 months!…. after hearing a broadcast about toxic, narcissistic, selfish people. The relationship had been completely one sided in every possible way! Financial, emotional, physical and all permutations of the above. I kicked him out of MY house and MY life forever. I had his belongings delivered to his family home and it felt amazing!
I must say regarding your loneliness however, I had kicked him out many times in the past for his behaviour and ended up begging him to come back for fear that I would have no one!
When he’d come back it was seen as a green light to continue his abuse! I do not use that term loosely. Every time he came back it would get worse and worse and worse until I WOKE UP!!!!!. There is NO HOPE FOR CHANGE in a toxic personality N O N E!!!
Please for your health, mental and physical do not waste another second of your life “missing ” this person THEY ARE TOXIC! and it may just cost you your life! God bless Anna

Barbara Keehn

you know we should make a Facebook page or something so that we can all talk to each other I think that would cure a big part of the problem that we’re all having with feeling isolated and lonely and I know it would help me figure out things about myself talking to so many people who are similar I believe I’ve been an empath my whole life I’m just now starting to I’m just now starting to realize that we should make a Facebook group page so we can talk to each other I don’t know how to do it maybe one of you do in front of me on Facebook I would enjoy talking with a lot of you


It’s been over a year since the narcissist discarded me and although I’ve managed to do a lot of healing and feeling better about myself. I know it’s not my fault, other than I am the one that fell for it and I am the one who allowed it to go on and on, and on, before I finally started waking up to the fact that I can’t change him. When I finally started working on changing myself instead and started to learn what was really going on with him. I understand a lot more than I did and understanding really has helped me get through it all. I think that was the hardest part trying to understand how someone who at one point professed to love me and care about me, how could someone who cared about another treat them like I was treated?
Now though I have found that he wasn’t the only one in my life that had the same traits. In fact, the greater part of the people I hung out with, treated me in much the same manner. I lost not only my husband, but at the same time my best friend of ten years more or less dumped me too. And family members did much the same until i was left completely on my own and feeling so lost. It was such a scary time for me, and I totally isolated myself due to trust issues, I couldn’t believe what anyone said to me anymore. I’m still having a problems with that but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel now.
I realized finally that it was BECAUSE I had started to change myself that they didn’t want to be around me anymore. I was finally starting to see through them and that is not something a toxic person wants you to do. When they realize you aren’t so easy to manipulate anymore and that you start to balk when they try, they get scared of you. They cannot handle when you start to see them as they really are. And they run. In my case, they scattered like flies and it left me in this in between state of not quite knowing what the heck was going on.

I’ve learned a LOT since this all started. I am still totally isolated from people but now I’m looking at it in a much less terrified way. I’m seeing that it took all of this to finally wake me up. I had to isolate to know that in fact I can be happy with myself, that I don’t need anyone else to validate who I am. No one else, in fact, can do this for you. Happiness cannot come from someone else, it has to come from inside your own heart. And I had to have this time to get to know myself, to know what it was that made me so willing to let others hurt me. It was because I craved happiness. But I thought I had to get it from outside and it came down to the point that I never learned this as a child. It was a huge part of me that was missing. Self love is huge. I’ve heard it said that these toxic people are attracted to us because we are empaths and I believed that. Now I realize that is only part of the equation. What is it that made us into empathic people? That is the key. I became empathic as a way to survive my childhood. If I could read what was going in with people, I could be prepared or even prevent some of the things that made my young life so miserable. I learned that what I wanted or needed wasn’t as important as keeping the world around me happy. They wouldn’t be so quick to be harmful if I could prevent them from being unhappy. So I didn’t bring up what things I needed many times because I didn’t want them to get upset in any way. I didn’t ask for school supplies because that would upset my mother. She would fly into a rage because it made her feel bad that she wasn’t able to provide for me properly and it terrified me, her rages. Not that she beat me, or abused me in that way, but it kept me on edge always, wondering when she would blow, and how bad it would be next time. I was never taught self love. And these last months of being alone has given me the time and the silence to finally see that I had to give these things to myself. That I had to give that little child inside of me the love I never received or learned. So, yes, I was targeted by those people because I was an empath, but truly it was because I felt I didn’t deserve that love I craved so badly. So badly that I was willing to let people continue to hurt me in the hopes that one day they would finally see ME, and love ME. Just something for you all to think about. I’m learning that now at 63 years of age, I hope you all don’t wait quite so long to take a gander inside of yourself.


Hi Pam … so nicely written & THANK YOU for sharing all of that. THANK YOU. Not a sad post, just how it is. It could’ve been (in fact, it is) my own journey. I’m 53 so I didn’t take as long to get there as you, but I’m there & coming out the other end, just like you.
I wish I had people like you in my inner circle. Sending you a HUG & yet another THANK YOU for what you shared.


Hi just read your piece I had been in a situation very much like your own I totally agree I think the most interesting person you will ever get to know is yourself and you learn to be kind and love yourself make improvements and except yourself I totally agree happyness starts here but it took this lesson in life to discover this and maybe it had to happen but im happy now that I Have learned from it sounds like your strong and in good place now interesting piece.


Wow, long letter but to the exact point! Growing up without the love of your mother makes us do things we do not necessarily want to do and put up with stuff we shouldn’t. Thank you for this letter, it suit me to the T. Thanks for finding the courage to love yourself, as it made you able to go on….and write this letter. PJoW


I was searching this site this morning to try and find answers as to why a friend has basically cut me out of her life because for the first time in 40 years I didn’t accommodate her demands. When I read this Pam, it could have been me writing it word for word. I am an empath and have spent my whole life trying to please people but have ended up surrounded by selfish people who get angry if I am not at their beck and call. Not all the people I know are like this of course but many that I called friends have disappeared once I have been unable to meet their demands. Due to ill health I decided a few months ago that I could no longer go on giving in to people who demanded my time and attention. So I only answered calls when I felt well enough, and didn’t apologise for this. This made a couple of people angry, they expected me to the be there and if I didn’t answer my phone they would turn up at the house, quite annoyed with me, but when I was admitted to hospital, one of these ‘friends’ said she couldn’t visit because she had a germ phobia. I realised that all my life I have been a people pleaser because I didn’t value myself and thought that being constantly nice to people even when they were abusing my kindness, would ensure that people liked me. Now I realise it doesn’t work like this and I have had to reach the ‘all alone’ stage to reflect and see that I have not loved myself because I felt like a burden when I was a child as I was always ill. Now I have decided to move forward by knowing that I am a kind person and that there are many people out there who are also kind, and to avoid those who only want you when it is at their convenience. My friend of 40 years is angry with me because she turned up completely unannounced at a time when my brother and his family had just arrived after a 3 hour journey and we were about to sit down to lunch. Had she been alone I could have probably squeezed her in at the table, but she had brought along a friend who I do not know. I had also told her the day before that my brother and family were coming for the day. So the way I saw it is that she had no respect for me in turning up totally unannounced. I told her she would be welcome to call the following day but she has cut me off now. I have been tempted to phone and say I am sorry but this is the pattern that I am trying to break. I hope all people involved in toxic relationships read this article and realise it doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want to be a victim of other people’s actions any more.


This is one of the most insightful comments I’ve read. I’m so glad you’ve taken advantage of the space, time and silence to get to know yourself. From what I’m reading here, you’re headed down the right path. Kudos to you, and keep it up.

Angelica Rose Johnson

Have read most of these posts, and I feel that being an empath, a lot of these posts are talking about my life too!! Been going through narcissistic abuse for many many many years now. Although at first I was totally ignorant and uneducated about what toxic relationships were really about, I always KNEW and FELT that something was wrong with these relationships ,. Either with me or them. I wondered why I was such a sucker !!. I went for help which did help somewhat, but I am now finding that connecting with online people who are going through similar situations helps me to realize that I am not going senile or crazy. After all….we can’ all be crazy!? Thank god there are people who are now willing to speak up about emotional abuse. We need to help each other to navigate through all of this abuse, and try to make sense of it, and get on with out own lives. It’s really hard, especially when there are children and grandchildren involved. These toxic people can be so dame mean, and make our lives really miserable, but we alone… must truly decide how much we are willing to take for the REST OF OUR LIVES. I for one am choosing to live the rest of my life in peace and with love for those who deserve it. Peace and Love.Angel Rose


I to am living with a toxic person, we were friends when we were young and when we met up again when we were in our 40’s he had custody of his three young children and my two kids were grown and on their own already…. we started a relationship shortly after reconnecting again and it all felt right for the first two years.
Shortly afterward I started to see the terrible man he had become, the narcissistic behaviors, always needing everything his way, I felt so used but also felt sorry for his kids because not only did the Mother of his kids desert them, now they had this kind of man raising them, I felt trapped because I loved the kids. So 20 years later after hoping and praying things would change it is time for me to take a stand, the three kids are all grown and on their own.
He is my husband now, we were married in 2009 he is a retired military man, has multiple health isdues, has has a stroke, has a medical Marijuana card and grows pot, smokes it all day long, has anger issues, sighs very hard over everything ( even if we are not talking and he is sitting in the other room) and I know it’s to get some kind of rise out of me. I don’t like him as a person anymore, he is quite peculiar in his thoughts and actions I know he is a extremely toxic mas, an “Elephant in the room” and I am at my wits end on living with him, I am trying to lighten up my life of material things hold onto money and when the time is right leave, until then; he get no more of my energy. Thanks for listening

Barbara Keehn

reading your comment was like reading my own life story my name is Barbara Keehn I want Facebook I would really enjoy talking to you


My ex partner was like this, i found myself second guessing him as i did not know where i stood with him because he would change his mind like the wind changes direction about decisions that we had made together on doing things together, it was very difficult for me to try to understand him and the reasons why he did that, he would hardly ever want to talk to me on phone and, would always make excuses up that he was playing a game on his phone and that i had interupted him, that got my back up !!!! a bloody game was more important than talking to me. He lied all the way through the relationship and in the end told me that he never loved me and never would and with that text me and told me that the relationship was over, he could’nt come up from London and tell me face to face. He wanted me to move down to London with him after only knowing him for 2 months which i thought was very strange, i spent a lot of money down there in London when i visited him because he had little money but, i found out that he had a gambling issue which meant that he did not pay his bills so, i tried to get him to work toward paying his bills when he got his money and then he could do what he wanted after he had done that but, to no avail. i just think that this guy is a loser and will go through life using others for his own ends and not take any responsibility for his own actions. He is a 41 year old man and seems to think that other people will bail him out all the time and that the world owes him a living, he has all the traits of a sociopath.


I just dont understand why people want to be my friend then they get upset if a text them? When I do text them they just ignore me so I keep on and on texting them. One friend that I just met at the start it was good she always would be there for me saying I love you sweet girl. Then all of a sudden things changed because her mom passed a few months ago and she is blaming me for it. I received a text last night saying that she was going to talk a restraing order out on me this morning. I haven’t gotten one yet but that doesn’t mean anything. Why did she pretend to care but now this? What should I do? I already told her that I was sorry but she didnt accept it. The other to “friends” say that they care but they dont wont anything to do with me. I care for all 3 of these people but how do I let go? Its hard


Read and educate yourself – this is what I have had to do. Just remember the reactions of others is nothing to do with you but everything to do with them and their issues, almost using you as a punch bag via texts. If you hang on to these friends and don’t let go, you won’t have the time or brain space to make new ones. Good luck and remember it’s not you (and if it was they should just say – so don’t worry or care, wasted energy)

Beatrice Jones

Thanks you so much for your understanding words. I know they will help me as I deal with my situation.


i know theres this girl who is both toxic and pricky when we swiched desks the teacher put me beside her but the next day she had a note in her agenda and it said somting about moving deskes the day before i ignored her compleatly and she was the one who botherd me. i wish i had the corage to satnd up but i didnt she just makes me sooooo mad when she lies and steals. its just not fair


Ignoring someone is a form of control. Control is abuse, ignoring someone is abusive so please don’t continue to entertain their abuse. It will only fester abandonment issues within yourself.


Mid-November i ended a on-again/off-again relationship of 6 years …and im so glad I did! He was emotionally and physically abusive, yet I kept going back. I ended up in ER and finally filed charges. They put an 7 day restraining order on him and thats the break i needed. Ive had no desire at all to connect w him. I was adopted and have always found it hard to let go without leaving claw marks, but this was crazy…I was temp insane i guess. He is a sociopath and the silent treatment was his thing. I wrote 5k texts in one year! So dont feel badly if they do a restraining order. Its really a blessing. I couldnt break free on my own. And now i take my life back. 2018 is going to be epic!


Bless your soul…Good for You! I’m glad you got out. My daughter just got out of an abusive relationship where the young man took the life of an innocent young lady in his attempt to take my daughter’s life and my life..he ultimately took his own..just tragic and sad


Your sorry sounds lots like mine except he isn’t snore to be physical abusive so he works 5 times harder at mental abuse. It gives me hope when I hear of people getting out away from it. I’m in the process of doing the same as well


I was in a very similar situation too, married for almost 17 years and put up with his alcoholism, physical, sexual, and mental abuse, and then the affairs. Today I no longer have to live like this as I had to “let him go” to save my own soul. So glad to hear that you broke free from the chains as well dear. We are survivors!


Ignore them…if they’re not good friends, then dont keep waiting until they change. If you have friends, who pull you down like this then they won’t do any good to you. So leave them and make new and good friends. Be strong, don’t let people fool you.


Mary, you can learn from this. If you were texting a lot – or talking about problems you were having often, people start to feel burdened and will back out. Especially, if a life-changing event happens and they feel you are still talking about you and your concerns. This may not be the case at all, but I was trying to help a young lady who had a lot of personal problems. When I had health issues, she briefly acknowledged them, but then continued to send long texts detailing her problems. It became too much, and I had to stop communicating. Light, energizing conversation is uplifting to both friends, and it would be good to keep your text messages to a minimum rather than lengthy and numerous. It will make the interactions enjoyable and something to look forward to. If that is what you WERE doing, and someone doesn’t want to continue, it may be that life has become too busy for communicating that way very often. (I’m assuming this was a text friendship, not a face-to-face friendship.)


I had really hard times with some friends and my ex-boyfriend who unfortunately fall under this category.

Unfortunately, I have to say that some people are more susceptible to them than others, especially empaths.

Yes, I remember the situations when I questioned myself. Was I too selfish, and insensitive to them? Should I have listened to them more? They are the masters in convincing you that there is something wrong with you, and that’s how they function.

They need someone who’s easy to manipulate with.

They do not want to solve their problems like us, but only to get rid of their excessive negative energy to make them feel a bit easier.

The first step in this awakening process is to identify the toxic people around you and to understand how you found yourself surrounded by them.

Getting rid of them is not easy, but setting up firm boundaries and distancing yourself can work pretty well. However, it is important not to let them provoke you because they will not let you go that easily.


Thank you for this article. It’s so frustrating dealing with people like this.

In my experience, if you aren’t sure if someone like this is in your life, ask yourself: am I usually happy when I interact with this person? If the answer is no, then it’s pretty easy to spot. It can be very hard sometimes but being happy is more important than having a person like that in your life. Let them go even if it hurts. It’s much easier to deal with pain now instead of kicking yourself over and over when dealing with a person like this.


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“Karen Young - Hey Sigmund has such a wonderful way with words especially around anxiety. This is her latest beautiful picture book that explains anxiety through the lens of the Polyvagal theory using the metaphor of a house. This shows how sometimes anxiety can be hard to notice. I think this book can help kids and teens better understand stress and anxiety. I loved it! This would be great for homes, schools and in libraries.
Congratulations Karen.💛”
Of course we love them, no matter what - but they need to feel us loving them, no matter what. Especially when they are acting in unlovable ways, or saying unlovable things. Especially then.

This is not ‘rewarding bad behaviour’. To think this assumes that they want to behave badly. They don’t. What they want is to feel calm and safe again, but in that moment they don’t have the skills to do that themselves, so they need us to help them. 

It’s leading with love. It’s showing up, even when it’s hard. The more connected they feel to us, the more capacity we will have to lead them - back to calm, into better choices, towards claiming their space in the world kindly, respectfully, and with strength. 

This is not about dropping the boundary, but about holding it lovingly, ‘I can see you’re doing it tough right now. I’m right here. No, I won’t let you [name the boundary]. I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. We’ll get through this together.’

If you’re not sure what they need, ask them (when they are calm), ‘When you get upset/ angry/ anxious, what could I do that would help you feel loved and cared for in that moment? And this doesn’t mean saying ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ situation. What can I do to make the no easier to handle? What do I do that makes it harder?’♥️
Believe them AND believe in them. 

‘Yes this is hard. I know how much you don’t want to do this. It feels big doesn’t it. And I know you can do big things, even when it feels like you can’t. How can I help?’

They won’t believe in themselves until we show them what they are capable of. For this, we’ll have to believe in their ‘can’ more than they believe in their ‘can’t’.♥️
Sometimes it feels as though how we feel directs what we do, but it also works the other way: What we do will direct how we feel. 

When we avoid, we feel more anxious, and a bigger need to avoid. But when we do brave - and it only needs to be a teeny brave step - we feel brave. The braver we do, the braver we feel, and the braver we do… This is how we build brave - with tiny, tiny uncertain steps. 

So, tell me how you feel. All feelings are okay to be there. Now tell me what you like to do if your brave felt a little bigger. What tiny step can we take towards that. Because that brave is always in you. Always. And when you take the first step, your brave will rise bigger to meet you.♥️
#anxietyinkids #consciousparenting #parentingtips #gentleparent #parentinglife #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #heywarrior
If anxiety has had extra big teeth lately, I know how brutal this feels. I really do. Think of it as the invitation to strengthen your young ones against anxiety. It’s not the disappearance of brave, or the retreat of brave. It’s the invitation to build their brave.

This is because the strengthening against anxiety happens only with experience. When the experience is in front of you, it can feel like bloodshed. I know that. I really do. But this is when we fight for them and with them - to show them they can do this.

The need to support their avoidance can feel relentless. But as long as they are safe, we don’t need to hold them back. We’ll want to, and they’ll want us to, but we don’t need to. 

Handling the distress of anxiety IS the work. Anxiety isn’t the disruption to building brave, it’s the invitation to build brave. As their important adult who knows they are capable, strong, and brave, you are the one to help them do that.

The amygdala only learns from experience - for better or worse. So the more they avoid, the more the amygdala learns that the thing they are avoiding is ‘unsafe’, and it will continue to drive a big fight (anger, distress) or flight (avoidance) response. 

On the other hand, when they stay with the discomfort of anxiety - and they only need to stay with it for a little longer each time (tiny steps count as big steps with anxiety) - the amygdala learns that it’s okay to move forward. It’s safe enough.

This learning won’t happen quickly or easily though. In fact, it will probably get worse before it gets better. This is part of the process of strengthening them against anxiety, not a disruption to it. 

As long as they are safe, their anxiety and the discomfort of that anxiety won’t hurt them. 
What’s important making sure they don’t feel alone in their distress. We can do this with validation, which shows our emotional availability. 

They also need to feel us holding the boundary, by not supporting their avoidance. This sends the message that we trust their capacity to handle this.

‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. What would feel brave right now?’♥️

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