Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

  1. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  1. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

    [irp posts=”1195″ name=”Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them”]

  2. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  1. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  2. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  3. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  4. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

  5. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

    [irp posts=”1762″ name=”When Someone You Love is Toxic: How to Let Go of Toxic People, Without Guilt”]

  6. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  7. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.



one thing I find toxic in my relationship is how my live in girlfriend spends hours on her phone texting with people but if I text to say Im leaving work do you need anything from store or something, I wont get a response even after I get home she doesn’t even mention it and it shows on my phone she never read the message at all. I have discussed it with her many times that it makes me feel like I am way at the bottom of her priority list but it only changes for a short time then its back to that habit again. Even when we are at home at night she lays in bed texting friends or her daughter or whomever else and is fairly oblivious that im even there. ( keep in mind we are a middle age couple not a young naïve couple new to dating and relationships by any means)

Pat W

She may not like texting as much as you think. Perhaps she is a very busy person and has too many other people leaning on her. She may look to you for something more and somebody who doesn’t lean on her. Try to be more understanding. when your text messages are nonstop it’s easy to miss a text.


My on and off guy is constantly accusing me of being secret on my phone. I am not. If I show him he will assume I erase before he could see and it’s become so much it’s sickening. I was on unemployment online and he asked to wash his face while I was in bathroom at this time we were not together going on few weeks and he came in saw I was on unemployment I began telling him about my problem with them and he disregarded what I was talking about to go off that I’m secretly hiding in bathroom and texting WE R NOT EVEN TOGETHER what is wrong with him!? He is toxic to the extreme


Well your story is similar to mine..
My guy always made me feel bad about myself.everytime I used to talk to my male friends he would say am cheating accusing me of being cheap,chasing me out of the house mercilessly.
He dint give me a chance to talk or defend myself instead if he got angry he would think of nothing else than to make me feel miserable about myself..he kept telling me I treated him like an option and having remembered all I did for him and I am just a student😪with my own pocket money I once paid his hospital bills.
When I had enough of him.i told him I need a breakup he started crying saying that he thinks he wasted his time and that ive broken his heart and that am not considerate😪
Did I do the wrong thing.breaking up with him?was it wrong I now put myself first just to be happy🥺


Its borderline…. if you’re dating or married or thinking about getting married. It’s probably not a good idea to have a bunch of guy friends texting you and whatnot. But I’ll also say that I don’t understand your entire situation. So I might be wrong.


Currently my friends man says things like I cheated because you deserve it and you are a whore even though she is loyal and a good woman. You are worth nothing and never have but says before will say I’m sorry ok I love you…


I have a guy friend who dosnt cuddle me back when I cuddle him but he can fully cuddle every other girl he also makes me buy all of his drinks when we go out


Believe it or not their are a few good people out there , you will find them . You know you don’t deserve that treatment and so do I ! Move on from the manipulator .


My partner is clever. I try very hard to not play his games. I probably end up doing it myself as I try and get him to see and feel how I do, but guess he won’t or can’t.


My man and have lived so long about 15 years and loves each other so much that everyone envied our relationship but out of the blue he stopped sleeping at home saying work is so demanding so he only comes once in a while to check on us. He nolonger tells the truth he makes up stories and defends them till he can personally own and believe his stories as an excuse. He rarely calls, hardly replies to texts and he seems far on regard to how he feels about me. His cuddles are nolonger hot. He is so toxic that he has refused to even reconnect the past to present. Sometimes I have confused thoughts and feelings bit when I ask him what’s wrong with me says it’s not you it’s me. So I keep asking myself over and over again but can’t find an answer


When you are living with someone thats kind of rude dude to not acknowledge the kindness. I’m not a slave driver but a response to my text in like 5 minutes would be nice. I’m a contractor and my time is money I don’t need a women that brings me down and dollars 2. If you see yourself going down the tubes in wealth like 1000s at a time it has to stop bills need to be paid. Get a women that works as a team not a monkey on your back

Julia H

That on & off or hot & cold, I described it as Dr. Jekle & Mr. Hyde. And he could change in a few seconds, not from day to day, although he did that too. When he tried to project himself with his problems, I would say to him, don’t put you’re problems on to me, you stick them up where the sun doesn’t shine because those are your problems not mine! Then he would punish me for things that he did, not me, and I would tell him, you’ve got a real problem, doesn’t phase me when you try to punish me cause it doesn’t bother or hurt me at all. When I found out who & what he was after being married to him and life’s story, we had been married for 33+ plus years. I left him 5 times, but am divorced now over 2 years. He lives next door to me and he and his daughter have ruined my life, while I am still trying to sell my house. I hope someone who reads this will get as far away from this malignant narcopath. Thanks for reading. Jrh

Charlene m

I’m so sorry it sounds like the mess I’m in what was me no woe is them they have to be miserable and I don’t think that it’s just them being mean I think they’re f****** evil so I hope that you sell your house soon that you can be free and break away from them and never have to see them again and the love and happiness find you and cover you for the rest of your life bless you

Just dre

I can totally relate…I been with my Bf for few years known him for almost 9. He now calls me names when he’s mad, disrespects me and has zero consideration for my feelings. He never answers my calls or responds to my texts, yet at home he’s always got his phone in his hands for hours,(just in his phone) says he’s watching TikTok animal videos and stuff… He shows no affection towards me,our time spent together is on two separate couches watching netflix. I don’t feel close to him, I’ve tried talking telling him how I feel and he says I’m EXAGGERATING & nothing is wrong, or says it’s my own fault I feel that way….I DONT KNOW WHAT 2 DO ,EVERY TIME I think I want to give up on us,..he will walk in the room as if nothing is wrong and suddenly he’s that nice man I fell in love with… I’m 42 and I want more than just a boyfriend, but marriage is never even a topic between us….
I feel like I’m too old to start over and look for someone else,I do love him but I hate walking on eggshells never know if he’s in a d*** mood or decent. I just want to be happy


I am at my wits end I look after the kids do all the house work work fulltime and he does not help everything is too much of an effort and work and his friends mean more when I get stressed out about all I am doing he shouts at me and makes me feel worse or says he has heard it all before, today he called me miserable and I can leave, so I did with nothing came to a park sat here and dunno how I feel. I just feel like an object and not even a good one, I have lost myself somehow

Andrea H

Damn….. this is exactly what my husband does, too. That is….. unless he’s giving me the silent treatment, or repeats the very last word of any question I ask in making conversation…… it’s maddening and I feel like I am worth so much more than to be a doormat. He has turned into a real disappointment and refuses to share his life, finances, travel plans, acquaintances, pictures, problems, and daily activities of a normal marriage. He is quick tho to need kudos and brag about how great he is and demand that I agree he is super talented. He completely changed into a stranger about 2 years into the marriage. I’m stuck and 52….. not wanting another embarrassing divorce.


Sounds like you should break up. Judging from what you said, it absolutely sounds as if you are very low on her list.


My ex is constantly putting me down. He was the one who chose to pull back and didn’t want to see me and eventually I gave up and moved on. He then offered to help me with my start up business but he criticises me all the time and the says he is too busy to discuss then goes nuts when I don’t making me jump through hoops. I have now told him to collect the equipment and be done with it. But he hasn’t. I have blocked him I’ve had enough of his put downs and stupidity.


So my relationships back when we 1st started dating I was still opening with myself cyber cheating is the best way I can put it….fast faward to 8 years laters same guys now four kids are involved and I’m just not happy my mornings start out with him asking me unnecessary questions ( like did I leave and street walk all night) everyday he makes me spend every waking moment with him and will get upset if I don’t want to(like I have to work where he works and move when he moves b.c it makes him feel better) and if he leaves the house me or the kids are not to leave until he comes back b.c it makes him feel better he is my first relationship my first love I know in the past I did wrong and fucked up his trust for me but year’s later I just don’t see myself happy with this man…. everytime we talk it turns into an argument and are last conversation he told me he does not like anything I’m interested in and that I better get on board with him. I’m just stuck I understand I cheated in the pass and that it hurt him and damaged him but what I don’t understand is why b.c of the mistake I made 8 years ago do I feel like I have to give my life up to this man like I love scary movies but can never watch them b.c he don’t like them….I love pop rock and rnb music but I have to always listen to my music in my headphones b.c he don’t like it I understand I have made a mistake but is my one mistake supposed to make me give my life away and just act like the woman he wants me to be and not the woman I want to be? How do I leave?


I wont lie to you that sounds like a narcissist. I was in a relationship for 11 years and dealt with that. If you truly love them you will let them go because they have something that they need to learn in life.

You simply will never be good enough. I know this is hard to hear but think about what you’re doing to your soul.

They will break you to the point where your heart can’t take it anymore. But one thing i will guarantee you is that you will smile through all the bad because at the end of the day, your soul knows you are not being truthful to yourself.

This is why you feel emotionally and physically drained. I was physically and mentally abused and at the end of the day.. whatever i did was “nowhere near what i did to him”.

It will be hard. You will have bad moments. I did too but at the end of the day i realized there’s so many good men in this world. Don’t stay for looks. Be who YOU want to be and all will fall into place for you. Self love. Sont expect someone to love you if you cant love yourself.


Sorry your soul knows that you are being truthful to yourself ** if you ever want advice i am going through the same thing and much respext to you btw to seek help online.

I never post things online btw. But i did this one out of respect.


abuse should never be tolerated even for the sake of having kids with someone, men are the most confusing and women are always second guessing every action or non action, it is the men that have the short comings usually that treat their women poorly with no concern for how their partners feel, some men also arent aware that what they are doing is wrong because they are emotionally broken, its never a womans fault for how a partner mistreats them. ensure your needs come first, do everything to raise your self esteem, time to your self, bubble baths, do something nice for yourself and get rid of the abuser


I can only take so much from a person and I will burn a bridge so bad, I make sure they never come back. None have come back. I dont play! Being alone is soooo much better!


Amen to that!!!! And I too have d alt with this…..if coyrse your man would have you think,”urs all you and everyone else”. He’s the only one tfat really knows what love is. He’s the only one of how many billion people on the planet??? Really?? Those narcissists know what they’re doing to us. It’s a choice to be the way they are,they weren’t born tfat way!!! They are cruel on purpose. It feeds who they are! In the immortal words of,any and all,run girl,run! Fast as you can! Do not stop to pass go and collect your 2 hundred dollars. You just hit the jackpot on your way out! If you need to question,whether it’s right or wrong,just run first.The answer will come soon! Good luck to you and stay strong….it’s necessary!


The reason u went looking for a partner elsewhere is due to his long abuse he has given u. Yes, it’s wrong, and not to say it was right but God he earned it! When a man treats u badly after yrs of faithfulness but still accuses u of being unfit or unfaithful then u need to move on. Ur not bad…just finally gave up and emotional abuse scars u far worse than physical so people need to wake up. It is him who did the damage…not u. U just sought comfort wanting to be loved and appreciated which a normal hubby should give. Once u leave this relationship…u won’t ever feel a need to look else where for another partner other than ur new right guy. It just won’t happen…u will be healed from past but also smarter to know ur limits and leave before u go looking outside ur committed relationship.


Sounds like he is insecure and unable to let go of the past. The relationships seems to have turned into one that isn’t flourishing in the present and future but instead is living in the past. If it’s possible I would just move out and get your own apartment. I’m not sure if you are married but if you are, it’s either discuss this problem with him or leave. We only live one time and we want our lives to be as joyful and happy as it can be considering life is so difficult and hard. I hope it will work out for you.


Start with baby steps few yoga poses, therapist might be?helpful? Save money no one knows about but yourself and close family member even if its few dollars a week it will add up. Always show respect towards him for children’s sake, if can join support group oh no u can’t Good book is courage to be a single mom. God bless and stay safe! Memories try to leave good ones! Mostly for children. #1 advise begin with prayer


My partner of 9-10years he is so manipulative and emotionally abusing me he almost every day calls me a fool, useless bitch. When I ask him why he is doing that he said I still repeating that he shows no remorse towards me. I have tried everything I could to please him but he we ll be fine 2 – 3days then so thing small he snaps. So I feel not safe with anymore as he can become very agitated sometimes and sometimes and he can be very nice, like I have run out of options now

Becky Z

Hi I know what it feels like to be named called and hit by someone that was supposed to love you I’m trying to get away we share a beautiful daughter I wish he would of changed but I know he never will I hope you have the courage I haven’t found best wishes hope everything gets better for you


After reading this article, i realized that i have been dating a toxic guy,forcing myself to please him, i wasted my time, he dont pick my calls or call me, we always have pending argument, always lying and manipulative.always demanding for more money ,i regretted of dating such a man


Hello, first of all, everybody makes mistakes. You should not be punished for this so please don’t carry any sort of guilt around this, nobody is perfect and we’re all just trying to make it through life the best way we no how mistakes are bound to be made along the way they help us grow as individuals and we take a lesson out of every mistake made. Please don’t feel guilty or as though your not worthy of the love that you deserve because you’ve made a mistake. Please don’t ever think you’re a horrible person because you’re not, you’re human.
In regards to your husband…Where do I begin… it seems to me that you’ve allowed his condones and accepted his controlling behaviour for quite some time in order to keep the peace and not upset him, after all you cheated on him so you ‘MUST’ of course spend the rest of your years making it up to him starting with not upsetting him by setting aside your own wants and needs so that you can fulfil his. .. seems ridiculous when you say out loud hey? Well not really I can tell you why you’ve tolerated and condoned this behaviour, it’s because you felt that you ‘deserved’ this because you ‘fucked up’ and this is your ‘punishment’ or way of ‘making it up’ to your husband… am I right? I think you know I am! Well first of all he honey, he CHOSE to stay with you after the cheating situation occurred. He could have left you and gone else, nobody held him against his will, he made the DECISION to stay with you. So let me get things straight, everybody knows and if they don’t we’ll they should that the number one rule when it comes forgiveness is… you must forgive but never forget. Forgive because this allows you to let go of hurt and anger but don’t forget because you need to know when sombody has run out of chances. So from what I can gather, your husband has not forgiven you for what you’ve done, because he still feel down inside has trust issues with you hence the needing to have you around not because he wants you around but because this allows him to keep tabs on you. He carries anger and resentment. A relationship can not and will not flourish under these toxic emotions and behaviours.

Your husband subconsciously believes that you owe him for what you did so he will always expect you to cater to his every need moving forward and your mistake will always be dangled infront of you as leverage up on you so that you are left feeling guilty and is if you owe it to the you husband, eventually they’ll have you believing you’re less of a person and as though you need to set your wants and needs aside to please them first because after all ‘you made the mistake not them’. Over time this becomes a toxic emotional roller coaster that never seems to end.

Doesn’t matter whether you’ve made 1 mistake or 50 mistakes nobody has the right to control you and what you want to do with YOUR life. You’re husband should understand that you’re human and you have made mistakes and you will make plenty more in life, but trying to control in order to ‘prevent’ you from possibly doing anything that might upset him is just ridiculous. You are not a doll, if he wants somebody he can control then go buy a blow up doll, she won’t mind if he takes her to work and keep tabs on her every move, she’ll even sit with the kids while he goes out better yet she doesn’t talk so he won’t have to worry about coming home and having an argument.
Okay in all honesty, you are so much more than your husbands puppet. I want you to remember that you only have one life, only one shot at this. So when you’re an old girl on your way out and you’re laying in your bed reflecting on your life, will you be filled with joy, fulfilment and happiness or will you feel defeated, saddened and full of regret due to all the missed opportunities, nobody wants to think about the ‘what if’ or the ‘could of beens’
So Monique, do you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy with a man who needs to be with you at all times because of his insecurities, who doesn’t want you leaving the house without him because he isn’t there to keep tabs on you. This is not love, this is imprisonment. You don’t want your children growing up thinking that this sort of controlling behaviour is normal. Please don’t stay because you’re worried to break up your family, remember 2 happy homes are better than 1 toxic unhappy home. Your children will understand one day and remember you’re doing this for yourself but you’re also doing this for them. You’re showing them how strong mummy is to leave a relationship that no longer served her. You’re showing them the happy outgoing, energetic, independent, strong woman that you are. Good luck with everything! I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes. –
Be very carful with what you tolerate. You are showing people how to treat you.


I have the same similar relationship just now I have a kid on the way and iknow its a red flag to stay my first love did me wrong but it hes still had contact of his first love he claims he does not know his password to Facebook comple months ago told her is she still breathing

Anid O

My boyfriend of 1 year stops in the middle of sex at 230 am to answer phone call from daughter 18 yrs who is crying about her boyfriend not taking her out 3 weeks before. She asks what he is doing n he says he is alone relaxing n makes me keep dog quiet in my own house and cannot believe that I find that insulting n deaming….


I have been in love with the same guy for 7 yrs and we are not anything other then we hang out once in a while. We were once very close but that dudes when he decides he wanted to be around his dog and even though she had tge dog he ended up moving in with her but still came to me for sex. He says he don’t want her back but he still has her # on his phone and the dog has now passed away so why would he keep her #? He told me tonight that he took time to reflect on extreme situations but left me hanging after saying this.i know longer know how I should feel. I love him so much buf I feel I will get hurt and he is wanting his ex back. I am so sad and I dontvwant to stop seeing him but if he wants her back I will stop. He says he don’t so I’m so confused someone gi e me an outside opinion before I lose my mind. Thank yiu


Yes well she has little respect for youbif she is putting her friends or family who are not kids above you. You deserve a great girl who is caring and kind and who can meet your needs and not be selfish. She sounds very passive aggressive with no regard for your feelings i would walk away and find someone balanced


I need advice… boyfriend is rude he does everything on this list when I read it I started balling what do I do I’m stuck in this crap relationship and I can’t leave because he says he will kill himself

Karen A

I work with my husband. It is hard to separate work from home. He has recently given in to calling me names when I ask him to fix something about the house. Very sad .

Vanessa S

Honey he says that to keep you there. You can’t let that keep you, your mental health and self worth will suffer the longer you stay. And remember, even if he did commit suicide, THATS NOT YOUR FAULT!


Hey. Would she notice if you leave her…? If not, why to waste your time wiht person who doesn`t care or appreciate you?

Fairy feet

Hello , my partner is 65 and constantly gaslighting me . Self isolation isn’t a great situation but it’s necessary for protective measures for our son’s sake . I find I am dealing with everything now , it began subtly years ago but I was oblivious to what was going on . I do get stressed mentally because partner acts useless which means I make every call and sort everything out no matter what the problem is . Then he not picks things I do by lying about how I will react . For example my washing machine broke so I got a cheap portable camping one , it has a pedal . He said I’ll do it because you have no patience . WHAT ? I’ve had patience in lorry loads otherwise I would not be here doing everything still . I call him names under my breath because if I dare answer he storms off into the bathroom and will not discuss things . Nothing gets resolved and I get the silent treatment . I’m traumatised by my brothers cancer ordeal last year and haven’t had time to grieve properly before the pandemic set in .


If im honest I am the same , I do have alot of people leaning on me including my daughter and friends ect. I lean on my husband for support. My mind is constantly spinning on who im having to speak to or text. I do forget to text him bk alot or dont even see the meessege. My hubby gets cross with me over it too. Just know its not intentional


Wow. My boyfriend does the same thing. He sits on his phone & talks to friends. He asks how their day went. Never does that with me. He also gave his friend a 1,000 dollar mattress that had stains and now I have to help buy a new mattress. Yet when I ask for help (I’m in college and a mother to HIS kid), he tells me that I owe him something. He says I owe him a 24,000 dollar atv for all the help he’s given me. I thought couples were supposed to help each other out? I work part time, I’m a full time student and a mother.. I thought I was doing pretty dang good but I guess not.

Ukpokolo P

I have been dating a guy for 11years now, though he is my first love and with him was when I started having trust issues, he. Has cheated on me several times with series of ladies to the extent of his ex he keeps looking up for her calls and chats , I had to break that conversation off just to protect what I have because I love him dearly and can sacrifice anything for him, despite that nothing changed, he still kept on cheating even now with girls 10years below my age and not only does he cheats on me with them , he practically and physically insults me just because of that, he chooses when to pick my calls , reply to my text , I have cried several times asking him what my offence was and yet he keeps begging that he would change and till now nothing has changed even I had lost my self-esteem in the process , he doesn’t even care about me neither even. Take me as a priority and yet he claims he loves me, his friends decides when he comes home and when to talk to me or hangup, he listens to his friends more than even I… The worst part of it am 3months pregnant for him now and am currently facing the worst hell of my life, I sacrifice my happiness just to please him to avoid issues , but still nothing is working , he insults me so much that he doesn’t even have a single respect for me , cheating is his hobby… I am currently in a state of dilemma, I don’t know what to do anymore.. I regretted not having to back out since…

Julian D

If it is a consistent struggle, I’d really sit down with her and read her this to tell you how you feel and be SUPER calm and meaningful when you explain it. If she sows little to no emotion and blames YOU for her miss leadings then I’d tell her you want a break between you two. If the “threatening” phrase of wanting a break doesn’t work then she’s a goner bro. She lost feelings and isn’t attached anymore. Honestly from what I see ALOT nowadays is that these damn cell phones are a TERRIBLE CURSE and some what if a blessing. Good luck

Melly Mel

She is playing a game. She wants control of the relationship. People whom are serious about a relationship should care about texting back and would at least acknowledge the live-in partner life. Ignoring you, ignoring texts, it sounds like she enjoys the control and she enjoys making you feel what you are feeling right now. That’s toxic behavior. No one deserves that. I’m in a long distant marriage and my husband never ignores my texts and vice versa, if we are truly busy we will at least tell each other, “I’m driving I’ll call you when I get back to the hotel..” “helping kids with homework, I’ll call you in an hour.” Etc. Communication is key. She doesn’t have that. So, sorry, but she’s not worth it. There are people out there that genuinely care and know how to communicate, find her. Good luck 💕


Yeah I am having the same issue my partner is treating me like I don’t exist and blaming me for the our children being illegally taken not only that he talks to me like I am a dog


Tell me guys when a man wants to try harder around you and make you work after eight years I do cam sites and cams models to get more of attention. He doesn’t even get turned on by me either.please guys what the hell do I do now because you can’t chan he a man or a women that’s mindset is in that zone.

Rebecca P

My guy is always cold and mean to Me I mean nothing to him n I try so hard im exhausted trying


Sick of dating men who just want sex no relationship, narcissistic or lie they want a relationship. Relationships becoming a thing of the past?


Have you ever stoped to think what her day was like. If your constantly texing her and you dont give her time to responed befor texing again that could be a reason. If you know that she volunteers alot of her time and has so many people depending on her because youve proven to her many of times thats shes not worthly why should she answer you? You think for one moment that shes tried and tried while you bypass her and now you want her just to wreal her in just to go back to being the same. Its just not all about you


My boyfriend and I always seem to have the same issues over and over. The two biggest things lately have been him stonewalling and pouting if he hears even the slightest tone in my voice. Once he starts he can keep it up for hours or even a full day of acting like I don’t exist. The other thing is if I make a mistake or answer his question wrong it can quickly become a huge fight. I feel like lately all my boyfriend cares about is if I’m wrong or not. I’ll explain to him that I’m sorry and I misunderstood and will say I’m wrong. Then he says that it doesn’t matter if I said it because I didn’t say it right away. He can go full rage mode about the fact that I didn’t admit to being wrong right away. He talks circles around me to the point of me not understanding what we are even talking about. I also have a bad short term memory and I can never remember the start of any argument and i feel like he uses it against me. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or if I’m too defensive and he reacts off of that?? I just need help because I don’t want to leave him. I just want to figure out how I can tell him about these things in a way that won’t provoke him.


I hope u got out of this relationship ! Unless she changed . Only God can do that !


hello everyone. I need some advice.. desperately.
My( possibly) toxic person is my husband. Before I start.. I know the easy answer.. leave.. but it’s not always that simple.
My husband has always gotten furious anytime I voice my own opinion about anything.. only time he doesn’t.. is if it’s in total.. and I do mean TOTAL agreement with HIS opinion. It really causes what I consider to be childish arguments. I am tired.. very tired.. of all the fighting.It’s literally draining me emotionally AND physically. Ive been with him 13 years, so I’ll just skip to the most recent behaviors . Not long ago.. I decided to switch my political party, as the party I was in ( and he still is).. didn’t match up with my personal beliefs. Instead of accepting that I am my own person, with my own beliefs.. he started screaming at me, started name calling, etc. I told him that this is a subject we should simply not discuss since he feels so passionate about it, and to me it’s really not important enough, at least to me to fight with each other about. . He initially agreed to that.. but the very next morning.. during coffee, he started making snide remarks and has continued to do so daily. If I dare to say anything back, it’s WW3. I get so tired of having to defend myself for every dang thing, but again I tried to ask if we can just avoid the subject.,due to the conflict it causes. Nope.. if Im watching tv or reading in the same room.. he will get on his smartphone, find his favorite political hate videos, and ply them as loud as he can until it forces me to leave the room. That how I deal with that now.. I just simply walk away.
There was a time couple of years ago. , my son ( his stepson)..was sick.. really sick.. I said I was taking him to urgent care, because I knew it was flu. ( turns out I was right).Husband said.. “thats a waste of money”.. “kids just get sick sometimes”.. “you baby him too damn much”. Folks.. my son had 103 temp ( as a teenager), vomiting, the works. I took him anyway.. because.. Im sorry if this offends anyone… but my kid comes before ANYONE else. When I got back withy son.. husband was livid.. and screamed at both my son and myself for daring to go against what he said. I got silent treatment for over a week for that one after he had his tantrum. Two weeks ago.. he got mad at me about something.. and told me everyone hates being around me because IM negative. Well.. we just moved to our current location about a year ago.. and last week some ladies in the neighborhood had a Bunco game night.. and I was invited.. We had a blast.. I have been getting along really really good with one of the ladies, pretty much since we moved here. During Bunco.. my husband went to hand out at her house with HER husband. they were drinking.. quite heavily.. but the other husband never acted drunk, or like an ass.. not once.. but mine did!.. He literally stayed there drinking one beer after another until 2 AM.. even though the man had told my husband that he was tired and needed to go to bed.. He actually gave up after a while, and just said.. “Im sorry.. Ive gotta go to bed.. I cant stay awake anymore”. I was trying to GENTLY encourage him to leave.. but nope.. he refused.. My Friend ( the wife) stayed up and continued to host. I was embarrassed, because he was just too all about himself to realize he wore out his welcome. Well.. while drinking, and nonstop talking about how great he is.. suddenly.. he told her something very painful about my past.. and of course had his own twist to it. Something that was so personal to me that I just couldn’t believe he said it. I tried to brush it off as him just being drunk, even though he hurt me terribly !! The next morning.. when he had sobered up.. I spoke to him about it. He refused to see how he was at all wrong in what he did.. ANY of it. now, no one in the neighborhood will talk to me because they all feel awkward. This was something that happened TO me years ago…. and yet IM being punished for it because he had to go into something too personal and too graphic for people who are just getting to really know me, ya know?? I think my husband did it on purpose.. I really do, because as I said.. not a week before that he told me no one wanted to be around me.. then he saw with his own eyes on Bunco night that it was not true.. and he simply couldn’t have it. Newest thing.. I got a job working from home. YAY me!! I will be taking to people some on the phone.. and as per company rules.. I can have no background noise… Specifically no TV , and NO barking dogs. I have two LARGE dogs that bark at absolutely anything… and even t nothing sometimes.. One is a Shepard.. so his bark is extremely loud. Even though we’ve had one of them nine years…My husband has never put up a fence. He doesn’t like to spend money on anything but himself.. I know that sounds mean for me to say.. but it’s true. Since I am the one who wanted the dogs.. it is my punishment to have to have them under my feet 24/7. I cant mop my floors without them following me and messing it right back up, I have to walk them around the entire block every time they want to go potty.. you name it. What he doesn’t realize is that he is punishing them too.. dogs need to run and play. But that s a whole other issue. My issue is that I said I understand he doesn’t feel like putting up a fence right now.. but that I do need some way of keeping them outside during my work shifts. He said NO.. He said I don’t need that because you cant hear them bark.. Mind you.. too large dogs.. LOUD barks.. and wood floors, so I get massive echo when they start up. Im pretty sure everyone in the neighborhood can hear them. He even admits that it hurts his ears.. ( except for when we talk about ME needing them outside, of course). Yesterday, I said again that since I start working here as of Monday, that I need to go get a runner ( since those are inexpensive).. to put them on to ensure it didn’t interfere with my job.. boy did that EVER set him off! He started screaming and cursing me.. telling me I think Im always right, and that I think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.. accusing me of saying he isn’t supportive of me (even though I didnt say that) I am NOW I guess.. but Id never say that to HIM… how useless I am.. how much smarter than me he is.. because he works in a highly paid job and I dont etc etc etc. He got up, stormed out the door to go to work, and hasn’t spoken to me since.. All that just because I feel that I need to put the dogs out so that I won’t get fired from my job. ..I get punished for ever taking my own stand on things.. Like, It turns him off. We will go MONTHS without any physical intimacy. And I get the silent treatment for a week or two at a time. When I talk to him about it..I’ll get any number of excuses…and yet he sure doesn’t skip a beat to stare down other women in front of me, or flirt with women he grew up with online.I guess Im talking to you all, because I literally have no one else. He tells me I am the problem in our marriage. I want to ask you all, am I? Because if it’s me.. I will go get help.. living this way is not fun.



hey cheril, i heard through your whole post, and i believe you. what you are experiencing is not normal. i am sorry to say. your husband IS emotionally destructive person. it shows also in the fact that you doubt yourself and wonder if you are the problem. it may feel like you need to continue to be there for him. have you heard of the term co-dependent? while you cannot change him, you can get help and support for yourself. one excellent resource is new life live. they have great counselors and truly wise advice. hope you can reach out to them for further help.


Cheryl this broke my heart and I am in your exact shoes. It’s like you took the words from my thoughts and wrote them down. I have been considering seeing a therapist because I truly believe my significant other has controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused me to the point where I can no longer think on a norma rational level. I very much hope you are okay and that you have gotten through this, or are getting through it now.


Hi, I just finished reading all this and also seen Cheryl’ story. I wanted to reply to her also but noticed her comment is from 2019 so she probably won’t see this. I was going through the same thing with my husband, he was very manipulative and very insecure of himself, all this I’ve noticed after we got married of course because if I’ve seen it sooner I’ll have second thoughts to go through marriage with him. I found out that my husband was cheating on me BIG Time and that means seeing woman in person and on social media .. The big clue to know when you’re being cheated on is to see and notice the actions of your partner..First of all he knows you’re a great and beautiful woman and very hard to easily find so they feel afraid of losing you and start bringing you down on purpose to make you feel insecure, alone and unloved, useless, dirty, small, and a lot more and all because that’s how they really feel for themselves inside their own body and most of the time when a husband is acting like this is because he’s sleeping with another woman, probably a married one too so they both keep it a secret or else. A husband that truly loves his wife will never treat her this poor. When I said above that he’s afraid of losing you yes it’s because he doesn’t want to be in his own misery alone, that’s all he wants you for a company that can take all of his bad behavior and also one that can tolerate it. Stop being a punching bag and fight back stand your ground with your foot firmly on that floor and stand up for yourself, I bet that will be a turn on for him real quick trust and believe that. Once you start acting like you don’t care anymore and feel confident head held high boi they’ll start fearing to lose you… Try it if you want him to start loving you again you need to be a grown woman that knows she deserves to be treated like the good person that she is. Most importantly we need to love ourselves first before any man or woman can enter our lives. If we truly love ourselves we will never allow anyone to treat us like trash ever.. Hope this helps, thanks for reading.

Kathy in arkansas

All the replies have truth in them..No, u shouldn’t have to re-live or be reminded of that 1 mistake 4 the rest of whatever time u may have w/ this guy, hopefully not the rest of your life. Its obvious that this guy can’t let it go or just leave it in the past..not fair to either 1 of u. And w/ that said, as long as he cares it around w/ him, ya’ll will not be able to move forward. What ever it is that your calling a relationship here, seems more like a life sentence. Trust has to be earned bk but doesn’t seem like he is even willing to give u that chance to even consider getting bk. When there’s more bad than good moments, then u should ask yourself what’s the point of even staying together. It’s surely not for all the fun and laughter so why are either of u putting yourselves thru all of the heartache ? Sounds like the both of u may have “settled”. You both deserve a better life w/ a partner that builds you up, not tears you down. The best of luck 4 the both of u.


Cheryl, I’ve noticed your comment is quite old, but I was wondering how your situation is now? Did he end up seeing his destructive behaviour?

Marike v

Hi Cheryl,
You are not alone! I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this! You are welcome to talk to me I have my own horror stories I can share, so just know…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I’m on round two with my husband and I’m just getting my affairs I’m order so I can finally be free, I’m patiently waiting for the moment I can make my escape. We were not even married a year when he started with similar crap to your husband, the shouting, putting down, isolating, manipulating and telling everyone how horrible I am, I lost all my friends or so called friends, I mean if my friends cared for me the way they said they did I don’t see how they would listen to what my husband had to say, but anyway, here we are. I was eventually violently chased out of our marital home and lived elsewhere for about 3 months, I was destitute Because I’m completely dependent on him and he had no care so just before the divorce went through we reconciled, started a business with partners and everything was great! He had seen the error of his ways, or perhaps not…he fell into the same pattern again about a month ago this time unmasking his demon to our business partners as well…
The best moment probably came about 2 weeks ago when our business partners came to me to tell me that they have been furiously defending my honor because my reputation was so badly broken by my husbands lies that people felt the need to warn them about me…and they basically told me that they’ve got my back…it was the first time I felt I could breathe again…that something so seemingly insignificant Could give me back, well, ME!
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, hang in there, the wheel turns, and I’m here if you need to talk.
You are worth so much more than this!


I am in the same position as you and don’t know where to turn I get accused of flirting all the time and I can’t go anywhere without him having ago at me when I get back. He is constantly telling me how my job doesn’t pay enough and they are doing me over and how he brings in the money even in front of other people! I can’t go out with my friends and he pushes my friends away and can be very nasty so they fall out with me, I am married with 2 lovely kids but the one is not his and I find that when he starts an argument or I want to leave he uses his daughter to say he will take her and I’m sure it makes my son feel bad! I hate living like this I’m scared to talk to men incase I get accused or he sees me and it starts arguments. I am also afraid that my kids will think that this behaviour is ok when it’s far from ok but I have no way of getting out of it! When he is nice he is nice but then when something happens he doesn’t like his eyes change and I can tell he is angry! I find myself making excuses up for him to everyone like he’s had a bad childhood and doesn’t know any different or I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that! I’m sick of living like this!!!


You are dealing with at least a narcissist, maybe malignant or a psychopath. I suggest you watch the many You tube videos dealing with this subject. The above are all narcissists, to one degree or another, but if you are actually dealing with someone who is Psychopathic they have no conscience at all.
Familiarize yourself with this personality disorder so that you can better protect yourself from the toxicity. When you come out of the FOG you will realize just how damaging these people are and it is best to get as far away as possible.


How do I escape him, after 12 years and a child. He’s made sure I’m financially and mentally depleted. He has nothing positive, constructive or even nice to say. He won’t sleep in my bed. He won’t touch me unless it’s for his own self gratification and if I dare say a word, all hell breaks loose. I’ve had enough of being nothing. ????


I was a victim for 8 years ,,, got away in the end alive but physically and mentally scarred…
you must take walk to a safe place .

natalia c

Girl! Stop your pain! You owe it to yourself to be happy. You need to leave him and get therapy. He’s damaged you to the point where you need to be guided back to a mental state. He’s broken you and that’s not right.

You are worth more than this.

Your husband is abusing you. I believe your intuition is correct, did sabotage you with the people you were connecting with. He feels threatened because he has an abusive personality. That is his problem alone, not yours. Nothing you can do will fix that but he’ll want you to try, wear yourself out until one day you have nothing left and you’ll have no choice to walk away. Sticking around enables his shitty behaviour though I understand it’s not that easy to just leave. It’s a personal choice you’ll have to make in terms of what type of life do you want for yourself? Especially if you feel there is a kid in danger. In any case you have to put yourself first so that you’re okay and if the kid is not safe or in an abusive environment, document any of the concerns before you are gone, if you’re unable to keep in touch with the kid, might be in the best interest to contact social services. Yes it will make him angry and he will blame you but this is what abusers do, they blame everyone else without looking at their actions. They have faulty thinking and the more you were to treat him well, the more entitled he will become, more demanding and volatile.

Deborah S

I was in a relationship with one and honestly the worst of my life. What a waste of time. Thank god I got out though. They deflect everything on you and everything they tell you is a fantasy story lol.


Good day. What to do if my husband does’nt anwer back if i ask something. Or just say something for the sake of it. This morning i asked for the time when i whoke up and he said 7 o clock but when i looked as my phone a bit later it was half past 8.


I would like to know whatever happened to Cheryl, an how many of these other dear ones left their partners, and/or resolved their problems w/them?


Stonewalling and going offline or ignoring messages is really frustrating and distressing to the other partner. Definitely a cruel behavior and never good for a relationship!


So then I should just continue arguing after several hours of it already, having accomplished nothing but going in circles? What if I need to go to sleep? What if the intensity of the argument escalates and I feel the safest thing to do would be to take a break to cool off? Is that considered stonewalling?? Or should we just beat the dead horse till one of us is catatonic?


Stonewalling is just going silent and leaving the person hanging. If you need to go to sleep or think you should just take a break to cool off, then that’s what you write in a message. It’s just ending the conversation.

Using an analogy, if someone wants to keep talking to their phone after you’ve said goodbye and hang up, that’s on them. But if you just hang up without ending the conversation, it’s on you.


I’m dealing with a toxic person I have been for about 5 years now. I’m sitting in the bathroom right now cause i don’t know where to partner that’s been so angry at me and when I ask what’s wrong she yells or throws something..makes me feel really bad..she’s always talking with her co workers..her tone is so different..I have found out about I know of 3 people that are old enough to be our parents that the relationship seems was a 60 year old that was flirty and my partner flirted back..wanting to go to dinner..wanting to see her naked..the second was a 60 something year old that happened to be a client of hers..I read txt messages where they went to eat..told each other they loved each other..had her personal phone number and the third was a man..she’s a lesbian by the way..the man sent emaiils fantasizing over her. It sure what happened there or how that came about but it happened.


Yes definitely cheating on you. You deserve better. There’s no way when a person truly loves you will treat you like a nobody. I know you wouldn’t do the things she’s doing to you and you know why? Because you love her and can’t and won’t hurt her. That’s true love so my question to you is are you getting the same in return? Nope so you need to start planning and move on. She’s not worth it and you know it.. Hope you find your true partner that will love u unconditionally and treat you how you should be treated.


I lent $1,000 dollars to a friend on August 2nd. I gave her 4 months to pay back which would have been December 2nd. Well December 2nd came and I didn’t hear from her. I let it pass .January 2nd came and I called her,she gave me a bunch of excuses of why she didn’t have the money,her paycheck was being deducted to $80 a paycheck, she needed to put her stuff in storage etc. February 2nd I called her again and she said she had filed her taxes and it would take 3 weeks. Mind you all this time I was expecting a phone call,a text or something to explain or to assure me that I would get my money back,but I got nothing. In the meantime she was writing rude texts in block letters. I noticed from last September that she became distant after i had borrowed her the money,she would not comment on any of my posts on Instagram or just like anything i posted. So 3 weeks ago she have me the money using cashapp and it was $990 less $10 because cashapp deducts $10. Not even a thank you for helping me in my times of need nothing. I really felt disrespected because I was there for her when her car was repossessed and she needed money to pay,now I’m the bad person. She called one of our mutual friends saying she wishes she had never borrowed from me,she had a birthday party last week and didn’t extend an invite. I just need advise on what to do with this person. Should I unfollow this girl because really at this point she has made me the villain and her enemy.


I am sorry for your trouble with this immature and entitled loser. Have you ever heard the saying, “Let people borrow money, they’ll leave you alone”?

You need to only have contact with this person to get your money back and then stay away from this person. You are were used. You’re money is the last thing on this child’s mind. The world is full of these entitled fools.

You could take her to small claims court but that only puts a judgement against her if you win because no one can’t get money from any deadbeat that has no steady income.

Bottom line my friend: $1,000 sounds like a small price to pay to get her out of your life”! Rest assured, she will come snooping around again when all other bridges (people and resources) are burned and she needs another bail out and SHE WILL GET IN TROUBLE AGAIN because in her mind she is always the victim.

If you decide to just forget about the money, block her phone number and forget about her, avoid her, don’t mention her to mutual friends. From that point, she no longer exists to you and she will be dealt with.


First mistake was you let her borrow money, people borrow money for obvious reasons, um they are broke. Whenever you lend money do it with the intent of never getting it back. Of course you set a time frame and if they dont meet it then you know you cant trust that person to be responsible, again they are broke for reasons.. look at it this way at least she paid you back. Some people never pay back the money. I say if you lend money make sure you have enough for yourself to say well if I lose this money no big deal. It’s ok to say no to someone if you feel you cannot help or dont want to really help. Hopefully you learned your lesson and understand it is biblical to lend money with the intent of never seeing it again. Never put friendship and money in the same category, they dont work well together! That’s what banks are for, and guess what they wont care if you cant pay it back or not they will charge you double and garnish your pay, that being said they have that power you dont. Keep your friendships and NEVER LEND MONEY!!


Hi Tee, i have the same experience with a very close friend. When she asked me for financial help so she could have some money to spend going abroad for work, I di not hesitate. After a year or 2 I kept on sending messages to her to ask how she’s been doing, I worried if she had settled in Her new workplace only to get a very cold reply that she was busy. She avoided talking to me even though I did not mention about the money that she owed me. I got tired sending my hi and hello and so I finally decided to block her. She is also a friend of my husband and she never bothered to reach out.


Yes. She’s a self centered, an ungrateful, and a disrespectful person. Move on with your life. You were kind and thoughtful towards her. She was not. Move on with your life!!


This is an interesting, if not somewhat upsetting article to me. I happen to be what the author would likely describe as the “toxic” person in this situation…at least, that is how I am being perceived. I am in a new relationship with someone who i absolutely adore. Being in my late 30’s, I have been through my fair share of traumatic, toxic partnerships, and having recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s autism, I am coming to terms with my own limitations as far as what I immediately understand about social etiquette and what will always have to be spelled out for me. I am an extremely loyal, devoted, and willing person in relationships. I do not feel the need to stray, nor do I value being flirtatious to anyone but who I am with, and I pride myself on my ability to admit when I am wrong (at least, when I become aware of it!) and to apologize accordingly. I am, for the first time in my life, in a situation where I have one hundred percent trust in my partner, both in his faithfulness to me and his ability to function as a rational, responsible, competent, thoughtful and moral person, and I am more attracted to him than I ever thought possible to be to anyone. Long story short, I am abandoning my conditioned thought processes usually geared towards bracing for the impact of betrayal or abuse in a relationship to fully embrace the joy and security of a multi-dimensional compatibility likened to that of a soul mate. I am unable to see ANYONE else as a possible replacement or a better fit, and I find that I am proud to protect what we have by making it known that I am taken to all I communicate with, no matter how innocent I may perceive other people’s intentions. Herein lies the problem: my “soul mate” believes that I am being flirtatious, attempting to connect with others in a less than innocent way, that I am not over my ex, who up till recently was my best friend on a strictly platonic basis, as I found we were much more successful when I didn’t put him in a position where he could be tempted into dishonesty… in other words, I broke up with him because he had been unable to remain faithful and unwilling to admit that, and I eventually found that I wanted to move on. So I have been feeling very misunderstood in this new relationship. Every text I send someone of the opposite sex is taken as an attempt to cheat, every reason I would have to communicate with other men is seen as unnecessary or a cover up of my attempted infidelity, every time I go back to my place after spending days or weeks at his, I am trying to be sneaky and do something wrong. All of these things dealing with trust have always been issues for me because for years I had no idea I was autistic and I was blundering through life, hurting people without being aware of it, unable to explain or even understand myself why I constantly appeared so dishonest when I knew I was behaving in a completely transparent manner as far as I was able to. Now I may not have as much patience for being falsely accused as I may have had years ago, so for that I have work to do, but I am struggling with this because it appears no matter what I say, how honest I am, how many times I have what looks to me like a perfectly good explanation for my behaviors, he rationalizes my words as being overly defensive, judgmental, he takes my direct way of speaking and reads into what I say, believing that there is some hidden meaning behind what I am only capable of vocalizing in the most literal sense, and when I have had enough of defending myself against things I feel are ludicrously false accusations, I let him know that I am done with the futile struggle and need some quiet time, and for a time i will not answer the phone for any reason until I feel I am more composed. He says i cannot say sorry when I am wrong, yet i have done nothing wrong and feel that I should only have to apologize for getting overly emotional and lashing out by yelling and calling names, which is something i do, unfortunately, and i am not proud of it. This ties into his belief that i cannot be accountable for my actions, and that I am projecting my insecurities onto him or twisting it to where it appears he is the one with the problem, as I do believe he has trust issues and that his suspicions are unwarranted. What prompted me to respond here was the author’s statement about toxic people trying to claim their hurtful actions were done with the intention of helping. I had been discussing a type of tactic used by the media with him the day before a Facebook friend, who I’ve never met or chatted with, posted that he had a link to a video that was exactly what I had been trying to describe the day before, and asked that anyone wanting the link should message him with a phone number to send it to. Thinking this would help to describe what I had been talking about, I contacted this man and gave him my number, requesting the link and telling him that I had been noticing some of his other posts about politics that were in alignment with my beliefs. We had a short conversation in which he did offer to meet in person, during which time I told him I did not venture out of my comfort zone, and spent most of my time at home or my boyfriend’s house. He mentioned feeling as though he made a blunder because he was unaware that I was taken, and as I perceived no disrespect to my relationship I reassured him of that and we talked a bit about possibly meeting in the future to exchange information we collected over various topics that related to the video I was requesting. It was my intention from start to finish to obtain the video to show my boyfriend so he had a better idea of what I had been talking about, nothing more. But now I can see why I appear to be so horrible…seems almost every single thing I’ve done with an honest heart is listed here and can be viewed in such a way that even I would be quick to slam the gavel were I on the outside of it. So, what is someone like me to do about this? All I could think of was to share my story in hopes that people could get a bit of perspective, and also for me to check myself a bit, as I am no stranger to being mistaken about things I feel confident about.


Hello Perriann. I actually have an opinion on this matter, but would first like to ask a couple of questions if you dont mind.

First, do you feel like the content of this video that you speak of is deserving of the type of conflict that could have, and seemingly did, cause in the relationship? In other words, do you think that knowing about your boyfriends problems with trust in his life and in this fresh relationship and you still want to stick with him through it, it’s very considerate to be contacting random men online and giving your phone number to them to start new friendships when the current ones that you have with men are the main topic of conflict already?
Also, not to pry too deep into the personal stuff but what exactly is it that your current boyfriend is deeming inappropriate about your interaction with the ex? For example, Do you tell the ex that you love him? Or miss him?


what am I supposed to do? Im scared and dont want to be hurt or attacked anymore by someone I have to live with and dont know what to do…I dont get it or understand..what am I supposed to do?


I’ve been with an emotionally abusive woman for 4yrs. I’ve stayed in it because I’ve always been insecure and codependent. I met her at the wrong time. I was unemployed for 1.5yrs, moved back to Michigan from Chicago and had a hard time adjusting after being away for so many years. She is an addict; a bulimic (8mths clean), but also a former alcoholic (clean 4yrs) and drug addict (clean 8yrs). I grew up from a family of immigrants and I am very conservative myself. I would have never thought in a million yrs to date someone with this type of past, along with their sexual experiences of 1 night stands. She treats me like crap!!! She plays on my insecurities, never gives affection, taunts me, threatens break ups, swears at, you can’t have an opposing opinion or else. She’s is a bully/hairstylist with tattoos that is jealous that I come from a close knit family and takes every opportunity to knock me down with words/make fun of me. If I workout regularly she will use silent treatment knowing that I’m analytical to figure out she’s pissed. Just so I can stop working out, because she has issues with her body and therefore feels out of control if I’m getting in great shape. She gets mad if I attend church. She’s ruined every holiday event at my family’s because of her own insecurities, yet she’s the most arrogant individual I’ve ever met. I’ve been to 3 different therapists over 3yrs and complained nonstop, yet I can’t break away, because of my own fears of being alone. I’ve always suffered from this, but being with an addict has magnified it 10 fold!!! I’ve never been treated this badly in my life. We haven’t had sex in 2yrs and she’s told me to my face she has no feelings, but we’re still ‘together’. I hate her sooooo much for taking advantage of my issues. The equivalent would be if each time I went to her place I walked in with a dozen donuts. I don’t play on her issues, but she loves doing it to me. Simply reason: 1. Easy target 2. Gives her control, which is the roots issue of a bulimic. I pray that God release me from her torment, because she’s rejected me on every level that my psyche seeks that validation from the abuser/rejecter. She knows this (she’s a smart cookie), and yet won’t say anything nicely, because she’s knows I’ll keep trying to please her.

Lisa S

I was with someone for over 4 years he had 3 adult children he was much older then me by over 26 years older i was 28 at the time. His kids aged 27 32 and 37 at the time in 2009 never accepted me because of my age and because I’m from England my partner was from Glasgow Scotland his adult children was really mean horrible and never once accepted me they used to say some really insulting things like i get my clothes from charity shops and i always look like a tramp which wasnt true. I was really hurt by their commets one of my partner daughters said i look like a dog and i was a gold digger who was only after his money again not true. I was living in Scotland at the time 10 years ago and ended up having to move away because of the abuse i got from my partner 3 adult children. We ended up spilting up because i kept having ago at my partner because of his kids he never once stood by me i never once said to his children oi thats enough respect my partner here he used to let them talk to me how they like and let his children speak to me like this. He eventurally dated a 18 year old with a child few months later but he never got any stick for that but i got years of abuse from his son who abused me on social media. In the end i reported him his son and had him blocked and came of facebook for good. I am very hurt that the fact i got this abuse from his adult children but when he dated and moved in with a 18 year old it was ok and nothing was said he has since moved away and I’ve not seen him since I’ve to moved on and moved away. I just want to say if anyone is in the same situation sometimes for your own well being and health its best to walk away no body as a right to disrespect you any any way or be rude and aggressive. I think they was bitter when their dad divorced their mum many years before his dad met me we met on a dating website and they took their anger out on me. I no longer see any of his family no one deserves that treatment and name calling. I was really polite and respectful to them but yet they was really horrible rude arggessive and mean to me to the point where i didnt want to see them it was like i was fighting a losing battle every time. I’ve no longer had any contact with them or with him he just stood their and just let his kids say anything they wanted i did have words with him many times but to no avail he said to me a few times to all but the kids have always been like that its how they are. If i was in a relationship with some one and had kids speaking to my partner the way i was spoken to they would have been told. I think it was because i am from England and some scots dont like the English i have recently been back to Glasgow to see friends and sometimes i did notice that the Glasgowians dont like English people i was looked at funny way and some people from Glasgow had made some sniddy remarks about where i came from. There was once a time i was in asdas with a friend of mine who got me a coffee from a machine and this woman came from no where and snatched the coffee from me and said this is my coffee get your own i was mortified it spolit the day for me. Its safe to say I’ve not been back to Glasgow since and couldnt wait to get home. Politeness and manners in my eyes dont cost anything i was taken aback by some people rudeness in Glasgow.


my spouse has a lot of these characteristics. We don’t do things I like to do and when I want to go ahead and do what I want to do, he pops an attitude. I don’t know what to say or how to say it without causing an argument. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I am dealing with the same issue. I’ve slowly been taking on the role of housewife without the marriage or children. I take care of everything around the house and errands. He makes time for what he wants to do and very little time if non for what I want. He won’t even take the dog on a walk and I have to tell him to feed her and take her out to go pee. He has begun to insult me telling me I am not doing enough around the house. I am not certain what else I can do. I feel like I am living his life, a supporting character to his story. I thought that what I was doing around the house was in support of his career and schooling and would be temporary. Now I am starting to feel like this is what he expects from me. I wasn’t planning on being taken advantage of and I am disappointed to realize that I am. I feel like he thinks I owe him this because he makes the most money. I was starting two new jobs that I was excited about before the virus and was not going to need to really on him so much, but now with the virus I feel like I am being treated like a servant. I can’t leave the house to go for a walk without being told I have been lazy. Like I don’t get a day off. The big issue is that I have tried to discuss the issue of inequality of household and life duties and it always turns into be an argument. I could really use some help with how to approach a conversation in a more productive manner.


I’ve got a friend who is really great one minute but the next catty and really bitchy and pulls me down what ever i wear. She always makes statements like i got better clothes then you my moblie phone is better then yours she also says shes better then anybody else its dragging me down. We went on holiday together last year and she reduced me to tears with her inappropriate commets and remarks she said to me and others on the coach holiday we both went on. She was so bossy and rude to me while on this lovely holiday. We are supposed to be going away again for a 2 day break by coach I’m dreading it because i dont like the way she is with me sometimes. Ive known her since school i am 13 months older then her to. I have told her numberous of times about her behaviour and shes to speak to me in a respectful way. She has got other friends and they all said they dont go on holiday with her she can be really disrespectful and really rude to other friends. I injured my knee few years ago and because i couldnt climb up some steps she was making chicken noises to me and completely embrassed me in front of others shes always been quite disrespectful to people and to her family to. Her dad pulled her up once about her behaviour while at her mum and dad house she said something behind her parents back and was pulling faces and sticking fingers up at them her dad knew this and he really had ago at his daughter in the kitchen in front of me she does really disrespect her mum and dad name calls them behind their backs its beyond awful i wouldnt dream doing this to my parents. She will say things to me like dont talk to me talk to my hand and she will do this to her parents to. Shes had warnings at work to she works in a after school club and their been some parents and staff complaining about my friend attitude and behaviour at work. She still lives at home with her mum and dad even her dad has warned her in the past about her behaviour her dad said that she wont be living here if she continues with this behaviour shes not brought up like it and she is to respect her parents. Shes 37 but yet shes makes really nasty remarks and shes had some of her friends like me in tears and walking away from her until she calms down. Ive known her from the age of 14. She can be really nice person and asks how i am and how my family are but other times she can be really mean and disrespectful. We have all told her about her behaviour on different times and days. Her manager and supervisor mum and dad have also told her about her behaviour they find it nasty and mean but yet she still does it. I wouldnt dream of speaking to people in the way my friend does.

Mary RB

Labels are important when dealing with Narcissism in particular Malignant Narcissism. I would like to see much more written about this disorder. It is vital that people know the signs,manipulation and utter cruelty that a narcissist will inflict. They cannot change so please learn and leave now. My sister was murdered by her narcissistic husband 11 months ago. Luckily he killed himself directly after. Upon researching his computers and what was googled he had planned this for close to a year. Run from a narcissist. It could save your life.


Times have changed as far as families. I reached out to my sister after a year. I sent her photos of the grandkids. She sent me articles on social security. Wth!!! She proceded to ask how much I draw each month. Wow, same old sister. She always has an agenda, not a good one. I decided at that point I would just end it permanently. When she called me I was cold to her, not rude. Of course she told the rest of the family about it. How can u explain to the other family members how manipulative she is? I just don’t see the point explaining. Not my style. Any opinions?


I’ve only recently started realizing the toxicity in some of my current/past friendships, but if I point that out to those involved or others that say they care about me then it gets twisted back against me that I am just ‘blaming everyone else’ for my shortcomings and asking for pity, which isn’t true. It’s almost like I am being bullied and mocked for even trying to recognize the problem and do something about it.


I finally cut ties with my older sister after being her emotional & financial crutch for years, and we’re only five years apart. I’ve included her in all my life’s joys and achievements abd especially my wedding day. But, after she got involved with her now husband who gossiped of me to her and she believed every last word, she simply excluded me from her wedding day – we hadn’t spoken for nearly three years until a few months ago when she used my niece to text me to say I shouldn’t be angry at her so long. I made contact with my sister less than a year ago and while she never apologised for hurting me, she also did not want to discuss her husband’s part in her no longer speaking to me. This same brother-in-law lived in my home a few years ago after my sister literally begged me to give him a place to live because his mother threw him out, and he was 40ish at the time. She told me he was down on his luck and convinced me to let him stay with me until he got back on his feet. Now, because of his sad story and my sister’s emotional manipulation, I didn’t ask money from this man but that he instead do some work around the house. That never happened. I was shocked when I spoke to my dad after a few months, because he told me of the horrible gossip this man was telling my family about me. I felt betrayed by my sister for bringing this charleton into my home and life under the guise of of “poor me”. To make things worse, at the end of last year she especially called me to say I shouldn’t share my bonus with anyone, and oddly she constantly asked me for cash. Then, after leaving my job last year and my fund paid out, she asked for money sometimes thrice in a month. What really hurt me was each time she wanted cash, she’d chat me up so convincingly I truly believed she took genuine interest in my life, but once she put the phone down a text message followed. It’s like she didn’t have enough respect to ask during the call but rather waited for a less personal medium, like a text message to ask me for cash. I finally did ask for my money back, but I was told she thought it was a gift. Almost $2000?? I don’t think so. The whole time something just didn’t sit right with me and the more I tried to figure it out, the less I knew what it was. Then it occurred to me. Some men would pimp out their girlfriends for cash, and my brother-in-law has a few habits that he needs money for and he’s been out of a job for over a year. My sister denies her husband told her to ask me for money constantly, but this particular behaviour started after she got involved with him and its clearly escalated. She’s changed so much and she’s become super manipulative and does it without conscience.

angie g

I loved your article. It was very helpful in how we can let others manipulate us when we have good hearts. It’s concerning that this type of behavior is around much more makes me wonder where it all starts from. I know for a fact change from our toxic up bringing has to start within us to stop the cycle of being attracted to toxic people even carrying out this behavior if it was instilled in us from our past relationships. I am in a new relationship for 13 years it has been so hard because in the beginning everyone tried to ruin me now everyone wants me to forget the past and have a friendship with them which is hard because 2 are his sons and the other 2 are his parents. we have gotten better but I have a lot of moments with his sons that I don’t want to be around them and I kinda don’t hide that with my actions when they come around or call. Everyone has made excuses for them even themselves I told them I love you but at times I don’t like you I am a believer in telling it how it is maybe I am to forward but no one thought about my feelings when they di things to try to ruin me so i’m being honest and they can’t handle it but I can’t seem to let things go I need advice please it was things as bad as trying to fist fight me as to saying I was a cunt and he wished I would die. there is more but those are examples so any advice would be helpful I don’t want to feel this way anymore but don’t know how to heal


I have a husband whose oldest son – on the very day I met him – gave me a big list of things of his Dad’s that he wanted when his Dad died. It was shocking. He keeps on doing it – even asking for a brand new motorcycle and he does not like to be challenged. When he stays here he will not flush the toilet, empty an ashtray and complains about the food and crushes cigarette butts on the drivewAY. hE SAYS HE IS REALLY NICE AND PROFESSIONAL WHEN HE D=GOES INTO eAST iNDIAN PEOLES’ HOMES BUT WILL NOT LET ONE INTO H=ISA house. Yup toxic is an understatement

Thomas R

I would confront the son, but be as nice as possible. Cook a meal he likes, or take him out to a place he wants to go to. Then just tell him how you feel. Ask him if he can meet you half way by trying to pick up after himself, and at least flushing the toilet. Sometimes when you go out of your way for your family, eventually they come around. I am not saying break your back, but it sounds like he has serious issues just as the way you described him. Maybe he needs psychological help? Maybe when he gets the help, he can change his behavior ?


I wish this article had existed when I was in 3rd-6th grade. I was friends with a toxic girl. And I mean TOXIC. She was manipulative, and she actually did something that is considered in some places to be emotional abuse. She would threaten to kill or cut herself because I was ‘ignoring her’ when I dared spend any time with anyone but her. She used me like a puppet, pulling at my strings, putting words in my mouth and ideas in my head. She’d project her own insecurities and issues onto me and make me suffer through hell. She had no respect for my wants or needs and acted as though I owed her something. She would become angry when I took time for myself or to spend time with my other friends and would spread rumors and lies that I had beat her up or abused her so no one would be my friend except for her. She made me feel guilty for everything that went wrong in her life, and had me constantly paranoid and guilt-ridden about what I had done to upset her this time, apologizing for being my own person. I’m no longer in this friendship thankfully, but she certainly left her stain on my life.


How come people are becoming toxic when marrid together for a long time;getting toxic is typicasl for a couple in the second part of life….the problem is that both talking and NOT talking cann be of toxic quality.


My younger sister is extremely toxic. She will do anything to win an argument – even if she has to destroy me in the process. If I question her about anything or call attention to her aggressive tone/communication style, she ratchets up the aggression and starts to yell and shout. If I respond, she talks over me – shouts over me. If I have an opinion that differs from her – she becomes aggressive and acts as if it’s a personal affront. If she clashes with me about anything, she calls my brothers and poisons them against me – to the extent that they label me as the problem person, even though the complaints and poison are coming from one source – my sister. I constantly have to hang up on her when she starts yelling at me on the phone. I can’t have a single conversation with her without it ending in a screaming match. I do try to minimize contact with her and will go long periods of time without contact because it’s not OK for her to be abusive and disrespectful to me. I have a right not to engage with her abuse. When we argue, I ask her to stop and she says no and ratchets up the abusive attacks – even attacking what I do for a living. She is a supreme gaslighter and bully. I am at a point where just can’t stand to be in her presence. She has pretty much isolated me in our family and I am convinced she wants to destroy me. I don’t think there is anything that can fix this rift between us. It breaks my heart.

Thomas R

Just be the older sister and keep your cool When she gets crazy, don’t let it affect you, and don’t entertain it; especially in the presence of the rest of the family. When she is going off; keep your cool, or even laugh it off. As long as you are consistent with your family, and treat them all with respect; they should do the same. I’m sure they see her for how she truly is, just do not fall for her games/BS.

Allison G

Hello – I lost my husband of 30 years to cancer in July of 2017 and in October 2017 a guy I dated in high school he got a divorce and was married for almost 30 years so I thought this would be perfect he knows all about being in a relationship got ahold of me and we started to date – at first it was great. Then he started to do things I thought were strange but I ignored them thinking I didn’t want to judge anybody he’s entitled to be who he is. I’m getting to know him. Plus I have not dated in over 30 years. He would text me everyday telling me how much he loved me – he taught me to golf – we did everything together I felt like we were best friends. But in the middle of all of these nice things he would just get angry for no reason and when I ask what’s wrong it would always be “nothing”when clearly it was something. Or if he didn’t like what was being said he would just leave right in a middle of a conversation saying “I’m outta here”. He would apologize things would be ok until the next time. You couldn’t tell him if something he did bothered you because somehow it always got turned around on you. Issues were never resolved. He bought me a pandora necklace he picked out all the charms – places or things we did I noticed was his ideas not mine – when ever he got upset with me he would go to his ex’s to talk about me – started to call me a bitch if I anytime I disagreed with him and so so much more. In between all of this he would do and say the greatest things Jekyll and Hyde you never knew what you were going to get. We broke up several times because I couldn’t take it and not even a day later he would get ahold of me and apologize and promised change. It would be good for a month then it would start again. This man borrowed money from me has a great job – I loaned it because we were in a relationship I thought was serious he constantly talked about spending his life with me and marriage so what was mine was his and vice versa. At my house everyday – but he was getting worse and I was doing nothing I thought to receive this kind of treatment. My family or friends didn’t like him wanted me to break up with him from the beginning – I loved him and didn’t understand how I could with the way he treated me. Everything in this article is him!! I would never let my children disrespect me but I was letting this ASSHOLE treat me like shit. It has taken me just a lil over a year to finally end it – I went to his house and tried to amicably end it with him totally ignoring me and calling me the worst names imaginable and saying to get the fuck out – all I kept thinking was OMG this would have been my life if I stayed with him this man would have treated me this way everytime we got in an argument – I always felt like nothing was ever resolved. I left feeling hurt still loved the guy ? but I had to end it – my heart was and still wanting him but my brain was saying get out!! It’s abuse and nobody has the right to treat you like that especially someone that claims they love you. I couldn’t talk to an animal that way let alone someone I love. And not once did I want to call him a name like he was calling me. It only has been 3 days since I ended it and I’m trying to move on but I do still think about him and miss him. Crazy – how can I miss someone that treated me horrible. And this is not everything!! The important thing is I’m outta there and can start healing. It’s going to take some time because it took time to fall in love like it’s going to take time to fall out of love. As much as it hurts you have to get out and start replacing him with new things. Get a new routine everyday and keep yourself busy – pray for strength – I’m so embarrassed I let another human being treat me this way but this was manipulation at its finest – God bless anybody that is going through this hell – I wish you love and happiness and if you can keep me in your prayers for strength I would greatly appreciate it ❤️


Oh my God, I see my daughter in a lot of these comments, she is the most horrible person in my life, she abuses me, does a lot of the things on here, lies, makes up lies about me to all the family, she wishes I was murdered or die, she hits herself if I try to block her out of my room and says shes filing charges on me, calls all kinds of names, argues with all of my visitors, embarrasses me, by blowing up in front of them, threatens to call police and tell them i abused her, she had an accident, and I had to let her move in, took care of her, but nothing was enough, she’s selfish, greedy, picks the lock in my room, takes pictures of my private files, drink up my wine, steals my things, hides my remote controls, hides my shoes, just anything she can, she tells people I am forgetful, and I am getting senile, and she threatens to have me committed, she threatens to take all her pain pills, it’s a constant battle she fights with my pregnant granddaughter, my four year o grandchild throws things at her, when she’s mean to me, she lives here but has recently got full disability, so I filed to have her removed, omgosh I see myself in your articles, always a peace , fixing up person. ugh I hate my life


Awe! Fany.

I hope my children don’t end up like that but it sounds to me that a hard foot in the ground is what she needs. It sounds like she’s been given to much opportunity to succeed in Makin ur life hell. You said she takes pain meds? Well that an issue there as is sounds addict behavior. I can’t pretend to know anything much about your situation buti feel for you 200 percent.
Goodluck! Put that foot down ?

Not a Victim

It was as though this article was written specifically for my vile mother-in-law. She behaves despicably at every occasion with me but will deny her actions and words at every turn. Her and her insecure daughter are in need of some kind of constant validation from the world at all times and it is really scary. From the moment the monster in law told my husband while I was in labor at the hospital that he could probably just go home because it was going to be awhile, to saying in front of me that my daughter called her Mom (before my daughter could talk), to placing pictures of my husband’s ex-girfriend in an album on display during my husband’s 40th birthday party and remarking to everyone who would listen that the pictures were of my husband’s “Diana”, to the constant excluding me from family pictures (but including my husband and daughter) and to the myriad of criticisms and petty, shallow, manipulative and cunning things she has said and done since I met her 10 years ago, this is the year where I say enough is enough. I’ve chosen to not go to my in-laws house anymore for holidays and to avoid the torture altogether. I will not be walked over anymore by a woman so desperate to play the victim in every scenario and who is so sickening to behave the way she does yet call herself a Christian. She is sickening and vile and I am so disappointed in myself for taking this long to stand up for myself. Goodbye wench. You can deny every shitty thing you’ve done to me over the years and twist your story to gain the sympathy of your equally sickening so-called Chiristian friends all you want. I’m out. Hoping to not see you on the other side.


To: Not A Victim…

I 100% understand where you are coming from. Different situation, same BS! My now ex mother in law is/was the exact same way and I couldn’t take it any more either. Sadly, that entire family was the same way including my ex. It took several years for my eyes to finally open up and understand that it will only get worse before it gets better. In my case, the day my divorce was finalized was the BEST day of my life! I had my freedom back to laugh and enjoy a sunny day just because I can. You are certainly not alone in your struggle and the frustrating part is people like “them” always see it as other people’s fault…not their own actions. If the past decade taught me anything…it was to never ever think or become anything like them. Not only did I stand up to Satan herself, I also walked away without regrets or looking back. Three years have passed now since my divorce and I am thankful every day I made that choice. It wasn’t easy, I am not suggesting that you should divorce, but, for me…it was the only option left. I am glad I took it.
I wish you nothing but the best!


Jennifer F

I have a younger sister who keeps making up lies about me to her friends then out if the blue said to me weren’t you in jail for a check? I was shocked to hear that she would say something like that to my face.
I’ve never been in jail ever for anything . Why would she spread lies that arnt true?


I don’t know we’re to start, I am so
Messed up that I have detachment to reality, due to growing up with my nassscistic, toxic oldest brother that physically, mentally, emotionally messed me up. I am always guessing and asking and checking always that I’m not offending or hurting anyone. The only reason I am still breathing is because I no that Jesus is with me and that The lord has something better planned for me. Wow the amount of confusion and always trying to get love from him, but he would never give me the approval I need no matter how much I try to make him happy from me he would always have something negative to say. I would get forced to clean and do things he wants me to and if I ever say no or tell him that he is wrong he would get angry and verbally and physically abusive. I am numb to everything and to everyone I can’t love anymore and sometimes I feel really deep suicidual thoughts but I no that I could never hurt myself as I am not strong enough to do it let alone cut myself . The pain won’t stop and don’t no What to do? He is married and has a son, the only reason I tolerate his bulls**** is because my family and that little guy so I can try to protect them from his toxic behaviour such as always prove he is right and will always have something negative to say and he would try twist things around to make it about himself. He always has to be the center of attention. Ever since I was around 8 I had police no my family name personally due to the amount of times my parents tried to get rid of him as he physically, emotionally, mentally abused my family and I. I have to to court more times then I can think. I don’t understand how he isn’t in jail, JUGDES ! I guess he had goood lawyers or I was stupid enough to drop every case because it would break my mums heart to see her son in jail. She had always enabled him and would always speak for him to try my excuses. I still remember having my school teacher asking why I have a black eye and me saying I went in a pole. My mum has always said it’s my fault what he has done to me that I was a brat and that I would never listen. Every birthday I ever had was him alway making me cry or forced cleaning the house. He is much stronger then my father, my father is also a A******* but not as bad as my brother. No one could control my brother I don’t even want to call him my brother, I have forgiven him more times then I can think of. Even his wife has left him but stupid enough she cane back to him. My mum alway makes excuses for him. She is an enabler she could of stopped all this , but no she always blames the victim. I am scared that I might have traits of a toxic person as I force my younger sister to clean her room and am very bossy and controlling but I always feel bad and wrong that I start to feel really bad and gross. Even sometimes I would hit her when she doesn’t listen. I know I am disgusting for doing that to my younger sister. I alwsh buy her things and when I’m upset from her or when she has attitude/rudeness I would take it from her I am like a second mum to her as I fill out all her school forms, but her a lot of things, help her with her homework, but when I do I alway use it against her. I can’t smile or genuinely be happy. I always have to ask am I really alive. I have a lot more things that I have been through but this is the only alittle bit of my life.


Hi Numb, What you said has really touched me and I just want you to know that there are many people out here who understand and have been through much of what you have. The fact that you already know God has a plan for you is a huge step in your healing, I am proof of that.
I know you won’t want to hear this but have you thought that maybe it’s time for you to take back your life? It’s hard to hear this I know, but there comes a time in life when you have to realize that unless you decide that you aren’t going to allow this treatment anymore, you will be stuck right where you are. The simple fact is that you have survived this far in your life and I know that you can make it the rest of the way. I’ts not an easy fix, I’ll give you that and the fact that you are wanting to take care of the younger family members shows me that you are not a Narcissist yourself. But right now in your life, you have to take care of you and if that means you have to cut that family away so that you can find healthy way of life, so that you can learn what it is to be free, that has to be the most important thing for you. If you are not healthy in your own self, how can you help anyone else? It sounds selfish I know, but you are worth it, you are so worthy of being loved, of being treated like the good human being that you are and the most important person in your life right now is you. Put those children in God’s hands, only he has the power you need to save them. And then do the same for yourself. Get yourself healthy, get away from these people and start taking care of who you are. The rest will happen the way it is suppose to. I promise you are starting a journey that will not always be easy, it takes time to undo the damage that has been done to you, but just know that now that you know there IS a future for you free from abuse, it is up to you to make the choice to stop it, you have the choice now to take care of who you are, you know you can’t fix them or please them, but you can fix you. You are worth it and sometimes in order to save someone else from that life, you have to save yourself first, and it isn’t a selfish act to take care of yourself. Hurt people hurt other people, so fix your hurts and stop the cycle of abuse in your life. Then you can be a powerful advocate for many other people in situations like yours. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that You are LOVED. And you have as much right to happiness as anyone else on this earth. I can see you have a good heart, I can see that you have worth in this world, but now you need to see it too. And sometimes you have to turn your back on everyone else in order to save yourself. Only when you are safe, can you bring others to safety. Pray with all your heart, God does answer, He always loves us and He never turns his back on us, NOT EVER. I am proof of that, I’ve seen my whole life turned around, it is there and all you have to do is make the choice to change your own life. Change your name to Living, and get rid of Numb. You can do this.


Hi guys, i hope you are all well.
I need some help. I have been in a relationship for what will be 5 years in June this year. He proposed to me after a year of being together and then after that we moved in together.we went through a difficult patch after that, we wer always fighting. He always prioritized his friends and put them first.
I suffer from anxiety and over thinking,my self confidence is extremely low amd im extremely insecure about myself and i always believe i mess up and he tells me i ask too much of him and im a problem its something iv gotten so used to “being the villain” because of the way my head is😞. I started seeing a psychologist to speak to but i would say it didn’t help me.

In December 2018 i fell pregnant with our baby and i told him. He did not react the best and his first suggestion was to get an abortion. We wer leaving to visit my mom on the 24th and we found out on the 22nd and he wanted to get rid of the baby before we even left. This broke me because i did not want that, i didnt expect him to react in that way and he always promised he would never to that to me as its what my ex put me through.

He started making a whole lot of demands about how I needed to change if I wanted the baby and i need to let him do whatever he wants and i cant complain and i need to fix my anxiety problem.

The above was difficult to take in considering i dont have proper contr6of ky anxiety and i didnt know how to fix myself. He basically made me choose between the baby and him.

I fought him and tried to buy time so we ended up going to visit my mom without getting it done. But he did not want to speak about it with me at all, it made me feel like i was just a problem and an ugly part of life he wanted to forget. He also made it seem like a purposely fall pregnant as i was on the pill at the time and that made me feel even more horrible.

When we got back from my kom inwas convinced its what i needed to do because i love him nd i didnt want to lose him because of my condition so I decided the best was to have the abortion.

This decision has affected me in the worst ways possible, all I want right now is to be a mom and i can’t control that feeling no matter how hard i try to suppress it.

He avoids the baby topic at all costs and never wants it to happen. He knows what i want and i always try to prove myself to him and cook, clean, don’t bother him, but he don’t even speak about when he ia going to marry me.

He don’t help with chores and he does only after i ask which will end uo inna fight. He is always on his phone. Everytime i speak to him about my hearts desires i cant as he will not properly understand and try to find a way forward with me. The relationship is always about what he wants and according to his own time line.

I feel unheard and this makes me angry and sour towards him. He will twist everything to make it my fault. He leaves his dirty cups, shoes, clothes laying around the house and i have to chase after him and clean up because i hate a dirty place.

Things are breaking in the house and he don’t even attempt to clean.

I feel like my life isint going anywhere, especially in this relationship.

I love him sooo much, i always think back to the old days and I have regrets of my own mess ups.
I constantly feel like i just mess up.

Yesterday he eavesdrop me vent to my work colleague about how he don’t help me around the house and how fed up i am about it.

Also about how he don’t romance at all, we don’t go on dates or anything on the weekend. I always suggest but nothing ends up happening. I feel i am not appreciated, he gave up treating me the way i feel I deserve and i cant stop hating myself as i believe it is all my fault.
I feel stuck and like i will always be unhappy in this but I don’t want to be without him.

He ignored me ever since and i confronted the situation and he complained, i ended up telling him how I feel but we just fought and nothing gets solved.

I am broken and lost for words

Joelle D

Hey Pam , I know I am currently going through the same thing with my older sister. I am discouraged and don’t see why I should even love anymore. I have no one to talk to and music is my only once of hope . Just know you are not alone.

" class="url" rel="ugc external nofollow">Debra s

Hi I feel what you saying. It’s sad because one goes into a relationship for love but at the end, it is just a fairy tale story in our hearts.. I still believe in love… Love doesn’t die… If only our partner could respect our heart..


Let go and leave him or anyone who supports him. You are better off without him. You don’t even need him to be alive least to mention to be happy. Why bother to be still involved with him or anyone who supports him? Whoever needs your protection can come to you after you leave him to live your own life happily. You can also offer them the same option which is to leave him to go away with you. If for whatever reason they don’t want to, tell yourself you’ve tried your best and even offered help but you’ve to go, because only by saving yourself and be happy can you save others and give them happiness. Toxic people (once identified correctly) deserves no sympathy and definitely should not be kept around yourself. All the best and take care 🙂 Jackie


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. 

There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. 

Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. 

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. 

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. 

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. 

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. 

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. 

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: 

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m  going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This