Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not. 

  1. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  1. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

    [irp posts=”1195″ name=”Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal With Them”]

     

  2. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  1. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  2. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  3. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  4. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them. 

  5. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way you belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

    [irp posts=”1762″ name=”When Someone You Love is Toxic: How to Let Go of Toxic People, Without Guilt”]

     

  6. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  7. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s because probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high. 

1,943 Comments

Diane

My brother came for a visit this year to see his children. He only sees them once a year and decided to come home to see them. He and his gf rented a condo for the week. He asked if we could bbq for his gf being that it was her birthday the weekend they arrived which we did happily. Everybody had a great time at the party. My brother let us know that his kids would be staying with him and his gf and they would be going swimming at the condo which sounded great. He asked if they could come do laundry at our home because the dryer stopped working at the condo. I said that was fine and was hoping he would invite my grand daughters to join in the swimming but he did not. I get that he wants to spend time with his children but i didn’t think us being there for an hour or two was taking away from that. The next evening he texted and said he wanted to take our mom, my husband and I along with his kids, girlfriend and possibly his ex wife out to dinner. I texted back saying my husband couldn’t go and that i had my grand daughters staying at the house with me and that he could take our mom. I was hoping he would say no problem bring the girls or i can’t afford everyone could you help pay which i would have. I feel very hurt that he wouldn’t include them, they are the same ages as his children. I don’t want to say anything because i’m not sure if its me and my feelings or not.

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Abby M

It is like I have this one proson that was just so mean to me today and she is like she doesn’t even care about what you are doing and just rude and don’t care if you are whith the or it is just not you favorite person to be around and it like it is just want to rude your day not my cup of tea I like be around people that are kind and say the are sorry when the did something wrong so that is my scoop and that is it bye

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Jay A

this article was for me! thank you so much, I know how toxic she is and how she always pushes my button to make me upset, and then focus on what I did in retaliation to her. Apologies are rare and she turns me walking away from a ugly conversation to “you’re a bitch”, “you’re not a man” “a real man what have done…” I would rather be homeless than deal with her shit anymore… I am moving everything into my car tonight…

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DesertHawk303

I live in a very toxic neighborhood particularly the family next door keeps bullying me for years now. First I couldn’t understand why they do this but now I do.
They are narcissists.
Toxic people will try so hard to put you down. Normally the root of their mean behavior is “JEALOUSY”. Understand what they’re doing, they try to put you down. So don’t give what they want. You just move on. Live happily and let Karma do the work. You are a threat to them. You have things that they are much envy, so they react in aggression. Manipulation is passive aggression. You can’t change them and you shouldn’t. These people lack self-esteem, they have not been raised well enough to live a happy life. Their children will be the same.
Don’t expect the meanness will go away. It’ll only grow. Because it’s a part of them, they have to act like this or they feel like dying. How sad and pathetic? You should have compassion for these people simply because they are mentally ill. Imagine how painful, loneliness, emptiness and low they’re feeling inside! It must be like a living hell. This behavior is a problem of theirs. They just have problematic minds. It’s not you.
But in the end, remember this that God is watching. They’ll be punished. Maybe not today, but definitely someday.

There’s a natural law of karma that vindictive people, who go out of their way to hurt others, will end up broke and alone.

Sylvester Stallone

“The best revenge is simply move on and let Karma do the rest.”

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Seth

Ok alot of these things my mom and sisters do, now my mom has never showed me any love or respect and for as long as I can remember has treated me like crap but will always give me something or go out of her way to help me. now I’ve brought up stuff from the past to try to get her to see what shes doing to me and have tryed to get her to do things such as one our houses have always been a mess and I have always cleaned but I stopped because no one would help and deliberately mess everything up again and where were living now a few times the landlord has blamed me for it and even told me I should move out I bring this up to my mother not often but I do and I try to explain ways of how easy and fast we can clean the house and if my sisters see her doit then they will. What I’m trying to ask is do these things make me toxic I mean I dont ho about it like a A**hole at all I’m very respectful when trying to get my point across. I hope someone understands this and can give me some feedback.

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Iris

You’re fine Seth. Even if you blew a gasket one day actrd like an angry chimpanzee a reasonable person would “suddenly “ realize you’re been taking the brunt and start pitching in like they should for your sake (but of course your nose is clean, you’ve been nice asking)
There is no “suddenly “ with them, they already know they ve got a good thing, and that if say anything they don’t have to push back hard.
I wish you the best life circumstances, including the ability to up and leave them to their own consequences

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Lonely

This is my wife. We’ve been together for over 6 years. Things went OK until our son was born in 2017. He’s the perfect kid (smart, sweet, sleeps through the night since week 6 etc), but for some reason she turned after he was born. I can spend hours cleaning the house and afterwards she’ll just say ‘It was all your junk anyway’. I can mow the lawn, remove weeds, trim bushes and trees all weekend and she’ll say “I never wanted a big yard anyway, so it’s your problem”. Meanwhile she decides which bushes, flowers and trees I should plant. She earns more than me (for now, she has a flat career path and I’m moving up) and she never lets me forget that. “You’re 31 and can’t even support your family”. I suffer from bipolar disorder since I was about 22, but am very stable with meds and therapy. Whenever we fight, she calls me sick and that I’m wrong about everything because of that. She doesn’t let me visit friends because she said that I’m too tired the day afterwards. This is somewhat true because of the meds, but she never ever offers to let me sleep in (until 9) because I have to get up at 6h30 for our son. He doesn’t like her changing and bathing him, so it’s my job. Meanwhile she takes naps on weekend days when our son sleeps, but I have to stay up because I have too much chores to do around the house.

I can’t divorce her because I spent all of my money renovating our house and have 10€ in the bank. She’d take away my house and my son if I did that. So basically I can’t do anything. I don’t tell my psychiatrist because she works in the same hospital as my wife and I don’t want to ‘out’ my wife as a monster for some reason.

I supported her through everything. Our son was born via a botched c section that resulted in my having to everything around the house for over a year while I was working full time and studying.

I really, really hate my life. The only thing that gets me through the day is that little boy I love to bits. And I’m so afraid she’ll treat him the same way she treats me when he grows up.

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Crystal

Lonely, I’m not defending your wife’s behavior if she really is being mean. But to be honest it sounds like you haven’t been very supportive. A botched C Section is a very serious ordeal. Sounds like she works all the time, carries the family and the bills and then gets resentful if you go out. Well, does she ever get a break? I’m sorry but you sound like maybe you need to grow up and do some adulting.

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Alicia

Hi, Im a widower for 2 and a half years. The dating scene is veyy new to me, after being married for 12 years. After chatting to guys and nothing prospering, I finally met a guy that I connected with. He was simply amazing, replied to texts on time, always asked how my day was, the perfect gentleman. He was a breath of fresh air, exactly what I’m looking for. He recently, changed. 1 day he will be the same person, where he will text n make time to speak and the next, he will be distant. It always leaves me questioning what I have done wrong, to make him distant. I sometimes wonder if he is having second thoughts about me and if I’m good enough for him. Please can u give me some advice.

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Patricia Narita

My narcissistic sister was an actress, now too old for any glamorous parts which are the only ones she wants, was never famous but she thinks she is. At every family gathering, she has to be the center of attention and has to say something even if no one is talking to her, even makes derogatory comments at others, thinking she is entertaining everyone. Is she toxic or just mentally ill?

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Angel

I’m dealing with a very toxic controlling person right now that’s been telling lies and doing evil shit to me and my family…This toxic person thinks they own my life,they’ll judge , manipulate,use, control,bully and disrespecting my privacy outside my home and even in my home and my stuff..They mock me,copy me humiliating me theyve been making my life hell cause they can’t get what they want from me…I told the police about it they went to the high school and they teased and taunted me for years and yrs and even threatened my life…The problem is the police won’t do shit about it,so now I decided to do something about it…

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Jay A

I feel for you Angel I really do… it’s sad that there are people in this world like this… just whatever you do, DO NOT put yourself in a position to be locked up or severely hurt.. I wish you could just get away…

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Catherine F

i had a horrible childhood , never knew my parents, and i grew up without the knowledge of who they were and were they are and what happened to them, so it was not easy. I grew up as an orphan. I was adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. I graduated from North Carolina High School ( a public school ) and received my commission, I later joined the United States Army Academy because I could not go afford the University at that time so the US Government took care of my tuition. After my Graduation, I joined the US Army and have been doing great until this position. I also hold a Master of Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland USA.I was raised by my adopted parents, though they were rich, i suffered a lot but i’m always grateful to them because they gave me life, may be without them i will be dead by now

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Sandy

Long story short . My first husband passed away while my children were still very young. I dated and thought I finally found the one . He was amazing at first. Very attentive, affectionate, and romantic. Now; 5 years in he is distant, not affectionate and pretty much does what ever he wants . I’m always wrong . He never feels sorry for anything . We just recently found out he has chronic ptsd, chronic anxiety, hypertension and bipolar. I’m always put down. Then the next min he loves me more than the world . I don’t want to abandon him because he had no one else but I can’t hurt like this everyday. If mentioned counseling and he has too but nothing is ever followed through. He makes more money than I do and it’s always thrown in my face . But he will spend 1000 on things he wants . Yet the whole time knowing he took money from me without me knowing. In all he owes me 2700. I feel stupid for trying to make things work when I just get called names and put down everyday. How do I get out of this

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A.

Good read.

I have a similar relationship with my STBX wife. I can’t avoid all contact with her completely due to kids.

I was hoping for a few more practible solutions for dealing with these situations. After the separation, I’ve become more aware of NPD and the narc traits (although saying she has NPD would be an exaggeration). She definitely does the things you mentioned in your article.

I try to set boundaries, but can someone give me examples of setting them in a healthy way? Most of the time when she is angry, the things I say get twisted out of control, and I try to avoid using blaming phrases with her. I generally use humor, but I don’t always have the patience for it when shes in her moods.

Are there better ways to diffuse these situations? I had a period where she was hurling insults and being aggressive with me, and I stopped answering most of her texts. She obviously got upset that I was ignoring her, but it was becoming too much for me and I shut down. Even after she apologized and sent me funny pics, I couldn’t bring myself to write her. I want to help her and still care for her, but I don’t want to come across as needy or weak.

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B

Thank you for your post. I too, look to find practical solutions in this type of article, though never seems to happen. I know the traits all too well and obviously my reactions or responses do not diffuse the situation.

I replied hoping someone, somewhere could offer some sort of advice.

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Charisma

I am in an on and off relationship of 3 years… i real real love this guy! it real hurts me cause times he just decide to go and come back whenever he wants to. always thought that the behaviour its induced by his proffession as a soldier cause he spend most of his away especial in the jungle where there is no network. Tried being patient with him but i am now drowning. It real feels good when we are together, plan the future together like we are planning to have a baby next year. i just feel like even when he is not deployed he is not giving me much of his time rather he ll go clubbing, get drunk, smoke with his friends. trying talking to him about this issue, he doesnt wanna talk! he will just tell me that he has stress and they are things he wanna talk to me about. he has done that so many times and never talked to me about whats eating him up. it real hurts me cause its more like he doesn’t talk, gives me silent treatment, spend most of his time fast asleep and spends his time in ta dark room. I real tried talking to him and give him permission to dump me and he doesnt act up and he told me that i giving myself too much stress… i dont know if i am putting too much pressure on him, may be i am toxic to him

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Berenice

I will just tell you that it is not worth it. Think about this please, you plan on having a baby with this emotionally unavailable person who is the cause of your anguish for the many reasons you listed. Why would you bring a precious soul into this world to have to deal with the very thing(s) that make your soul cry? Please stay blessed and love yourself, you where once a precious baby in your mother’s womb, Mom had many hopes and dreams for a beautiful and fulfill life for her baby…. you were perfectly made; the only think that makes us falter in life are the wrong thoughts, which generally come about what circumstances….. change your circumstance to change your life…. you are sooo precious and beautiful, grab onto and hold on to those people in your life you affirm this reality in you.. who love you and care for you unconditionally…. love does heal all things.. true love does…. Be blessed.

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S

Charisma, whatever you do don’t go with the having baby plan when you are in relationship like this. You’re having hard times now but with effort, if you want, you can get free. But if you have a baby together you’ll make it much, much more difficult, you might just sign up for a life of hell. Nothing excuses treating their partner like what you described, not profession, not anything. Obviously you try to justify everything b/c you love him, but for the looker-on it’s clear you are being manipulated (and it doesn’t matter, consciously or not)

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Bee

I believe we are all ” toxic” to some people and they may be ” toxic” to us as well. Some personalities just clash- it’s a normal part of living and it is why, as my dear mom always said,” birds of a feather will flock together”. What is toxic to me might not be to another person or people. To me, a toxic person is one who talks incessantly, especially about her opinion of other people – that she just spoke to on the phone or in person. She mimics their voices and mannerisms in a judgmental or “comical”
‘ (to her) way. To me THIS is a “toxic ” person. If she is “making fun ” of others behind their backs, one has to wonder what she is saying or doing behind YOUR back.

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Iris

I think that I’m a toxic person because of other toxic people, if this make sense, but I don’t want to be a toxic person and I don’t know if it’s right but I prefer to isolate myself completely from everyone, family, friends etc and let them to think whatever they want, like I don’t care anymore. I make mistakes once and they tell me that everything it’s gonna be fine but I know that it’s not gonna be fine because them always find a way to bring that mistakes to me from all the little things, whatever. So I prefer to let them think whatever they want and I don’t do anything about this because I fell somehow guilty and I think that I deserve, and even if I try to explain myself it doesn’t matter what I have to say, because everyone thinks that I just try to make excuses. And I’m back at this “I prefer to isolate myself” because it’s much easier for them to think that I’m a mess because if I try to make everything good I know that I messed up somehow and them bring me back the past and the damages it’s gonna more harder for them if I can say it like that. I don’t know if this makes me a toxic person. I don’t like to complain and I cover all with “it’s all fine” and somehow with this I mess everything because I pretend that I’m fine and be there for others problems not mine and what it’s happening to me it’s not so important and when I finally I want to say something no one gets me seriously. I don’t know if some one it’s gonna understand this or reply to me but I just wanted to say something. And sorry if I don’t was to specific or coherent but English it’s not my birth language.

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Berenice

Friend,
I truly admire and appreciate that you have taken the time to look at yourself and question if you too are toxic; it shows that you are ready to change your life for the better. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, as I read through the many comments this is the first were I see someone who is looking for answers to dealing with their own toxic behavior. I can relate to your situation in that I too have several toxic individuals in my life, but at the same time can see I have exhibited toxic behavior myself. Please stay positive towards yourself, look at yourself and the situation objectively and yessssss…. do put yourself first, I am slowly putting this advice that I just gave you into practice. Though I am still debating on if I should leave my 16 year marriage to an extreme toxic narcissists , and the aftermath that comes from that with two young boys…. I can tell you that the best thing that can happen is for you to put yourself first, it starts with little things like not second guessing yourself, thinking for yourself and what you would advice or do for yourself if you where your only true and honest friend. your greatest strength is in love, loving yourself and what makes you who you are. Be well and prosper friend : )

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SS

Such a wonderful insight to a Toxic person , as we can relate to it.
I have recognised a toxic member of our family , ever since she married into the family.
Her made up Lies
Wants to always be one-up on you in all areas
Never apologies
Makes you feel like you are in the wrong
Makes you feel inadequate
Using people when they need something.
Taking away your glory at every opportunity.
Wants to be-friend your friends.
Manipulates your good nature
Copies what I wear
Says one thing but does something else
Wants to be centre of attention
Wants to interrupt your decent conversation with other people. Changing the subject and talking about themselves.
Repetition of hurtful words /feelings of the same thing several times before you finally react.
And the list goes on………!!!!!!
As I am a strong , spiritual person I have learnt the art of smiling and walking away most of the times, at the same time stepping up my game.
The way I have dealt with it is over the years is to always be one-step ahead of them. Give dates and evidence about their lies , confront them in a nice way then behave as normal, to keep the family in tact.
Recently she said something to me about the 10th time Repetition (previously I have been able to walk away) to cause a reaction and unfortunately I lost it Temper wise….. but saved it later by turning it around to her the same way, repeated things she did not want to discuss, until she fell quite.
Give them the taste of their own medicine… Always works but be mindful they will go off on a huff & puff 🙂

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SS

Toxic person has similarities to a ”Know it all Narcissist”
This person is eager to give their opinion even when unsolicited and believes she knows more than anyone else, no matter the topic under conversation. She likes to Lecture and has a hard time listening, because she’s too busy thinking about what to say next.

However I have to admit the ”know it all” one , does have some advantages as they have varied contacts , they can get you jobs through their contacts. They are also condescending at complaining so give them those tasks to do.

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Mike

Hi,

You’ve just perfectly described my crazy ex in which she discarded me after accusing me with lies for the 3rd time. In which I reacted by defending myself thus she got really offended for it.

It’s never easier when you are in a direct relationship with one of them and the art of dealing with difficult people become more complex than you can imagined.

As I’m reading and learning the 48 Laws of Power from Robert Greene, I can start to see a pattern that she was treating me like an enemy instead of a friend because of her manipulation and lies. Insecure and Toxic people have similar behaviours like the devil himself.

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Sad

I have just come out of a toxic friendship. However this person has and still poisoning my name in my small hometown. She cant move on that I called her out on her behaviour so shes making up lies as to why I ended the friendship ……she still posts things on Facebook as certain people tell me she does this….including my own mother in law.

I’m on anti depressants mainly because of people like her.

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Anonymous

I have a question. There is a toxic girl in a friend group who I was once friends with and got rid of her. She somehow weaseled her way into more friend groups with people she didn’t even like before talking behind their back to sabotage my relationship with them. I recently went to a party where she was there and she was saying stuff about me to others behind my back while I was at that very party. Should I just leave those groups of friends all together or just not show up to events when I know she will be there?

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Bill

Some people are just meant to be toxic, nothing you can do – how about a spouse who walks outside for the phone calls, won’t say a word to you, then expects you to know everything and wants to know why you don’t participate and help, but when you do, you’re stupid, can’t do anything right, and they are always sniping and saying something negative…bad people never think they are the bad ones – and if one is toxically narcisisstic, they dont believe in you having an opinion and don’t care. Give up, its easier – if one is always wrong, why bother?

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Ann onomous

I have a question

When you’ve been in a toxic relationship with someone for over a decade… how do you run ? Lol
They find things that hurt your example… if you leave I’ll find you and burn u out…
They threaten to embarrass you with intimate but embarrassing photos ,(girl/guy in shower)

Claim they love you but who would do this if they love you?

They’re persona changes around their family but not yours.

They claim things will chance and a week from fighting is a long time to them

Both have cheated on each other

Her reason was physical abuse, she wanted to test the waters and felt guilty.

His reason… he had feelings for another woman, spent time hanging out with her, claimed she was nothing more but ended up feeling each other up
And sending each other intimate photos yet he claims they didnt sleep together.
The girl was her neighbor friend. But obviously to become his friend. .. hum

He calls his gf down all the time, insulting her insulting her as a mother. While he goes off smokes his weed, chin up, treating her like a maid because he works and shes home taking care of kids which he claims isn’t a job.

He Constantly harasses her about her past MISTAKE. Making her cry on a regular basis. and making her feel like her life is worthless and he shows no.appreciation towards her. Hates her having time with friends. Every time she gets close to someone he rants about something… putting shit in her head, like.. maybe she has a crush on him or her… its fucking ridiculous. She has kids with this dick and he should be showing them boys how to respect a woman or she leaves… but when you’re threatened and hurt so much that it becomes a normal thing, how do I convince her its gotta stop. Hes gotta go. And that shes worth more than an insulting piece of shit with control issues?

She has mentioned she feels theres no way out except suicide. Shes too good for that.

What should I do?

Reply
Krys

Be there encourage her give her something new something better eventually she won’t want to b with home any more if she’s shown her worth and how she should b treated

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Anonymouse anne

I was in a toxic relationship a long time ago. A friend said something to me that made me change the way I thought, and this helped me leave the scumbag.

“If you had a daughter, would you be happy to see her with a man like this?”

Hellz no. There’s your answer. Your children will also see how you get treated and think its normal when they grow up. Just get away. When you are free, life gets amazing! Then you can spot a toxic narcissist a mile away, and know to steer clear in the future.

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Lovelytony22

One funny thing is that; toxic people can look so nice and friendly… Snake in the grass. It takes smart guys to weed them out.

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Kenny

I really felt the shares your pain but is “never there for your joy” part. I have a “friend” who constantly brings down my accomplishments with either his own or saying mine wasn’t good. My favorite example is when I told him my cousin was getting married and he snapped back with “oh, well half of my siblings are engaged right now.” The one that made me the angriest was when we got our ACT test scores back, and mine was a 33. It’s a good score, but he just shrugged it off with a “well, you’re just good at test taking.” No congratulations. Nothing. I really want to end my friendship with him, but my current situation makes it really hard. Any suggestions?

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Nunya

Seems he may have been self conscious with his own test taking abilities and tried his hardest to compliment you without putting himself down

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Dshawan c

I say unfortunately fir the other personnel losing a friendship because it’s obvious that person is toxic and n good for you . Lose them!!

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Jack D

I start my day taking care of latterly everyone, everything around me from people I love and there needs. This seems to be ok until that need ends and all I want is some human contact and attention for myself. Then I’m to pushy, say nothing right, no intrest in what I say or need, rough in everything I say or do. Until its do something for the entire house full of who I in short am nothing but a caregiver to a 38 yr marriage and the family to boot. After litterly being alone throughout the day, but evening after 2,or 12 beers regardless which; then my musics to loud, I’m to needy, and not good in anyway, everything I feel just isn’t so. 40 yes. of this and the last several years I’ve actually paid attention to what is happening. I’m not a drunk, drug attic, and it really seems to get the better of me when it’s shoved down my throat it’s all me. I guess it’s time to move on since I’m no good unless I’m doing for wife., kids, and wives I’ll sister expecting nothing but love and respect in return. Not allowed to have anything that I enjoy without it being a problem, if I want them envovled. Mentally, physically spent and don’t know how to fix it, because I truly love my wife that is the leader in these problems I supposily am.

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Lisa M

Sounds like you are married to a narcissist. I feel your pain. I am in the exact situation. Everything you said sounds like my life. I could deal with it because my focus was to raise my children and try to stay positive. Now my oldest daughter is showing the same traits as my husband.
I see happy families where everyone gets along and it makes me so sad. Other people complain about their spouse and it is nothing compared to what I put up with every day. I want a happy life where I am respected ted. My friends treat me so well.
I know therapy will not help. I think we both need to find something that makes us happy and focus on that and not let the negativity get to us. Just ignore it.
Focus on the kind, positive people in your life.
Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you and you have a happy life.

Reply
Halle

Stop being a doormat. You teach people how to treat you. The longer you tolerate their emotional abuse, the more they feel it’s OK to treat you so disrespectfully. You need to get yourself out of the house and around people that appreciate you. You are drowning your sorrows in beer as a temporary escape that never works.
You will begin to feel better about yourself which may result in them beginning to treat you right. If they don’t change their attitude towards you, you need to walk away.

Reply

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When things feel hard or the world feels big, children will be looking to their important adults for signs of safety. They will be asking, ‘Do you think I'm safe?' 'Do you think I can do this?' With everything in us, we have to send the message, ‘Yes! Yes love, this is hard and you are safe. You can do hard things.'

Even if we believe they are up to the challenge, it can be difficult to communicate this with absolute confidence. We love them, and when they're distressed, we're going to feel it. Inadvertently, we can align with their fear and send signals of danger, especially through nonverbals. 

What they need is for us to align with their 'brave' - that part of them that wants to do hard things and has the courage to do them. It might be small but it will be there. Like a muscle, courage strengthens with use - little by little, but the potential is always there.

First, let them feel you inside their world, not outside of it. This lets their anxious brain know that support is here - that you see what they see and you get it. This happens through validation. It doesn't mean you agree. It means that you see what they see, and feel what they feel. Meet the intensity of their emotion, so they can feel you with them. It can come off as insincere if your nonverbals are overly calm in the face of their distress. (Think a zen-like low, monotone voice and neutral face - both can be read as threat by an anxious brain). Try:

'This is big for you isn't it!' 
'It's awful having to do things you haven't done before. What you are feeling makes so much sense. I'd feel the same!

Once they really feel you there with them, then they can trust what comes next, which is your felt belief that they will be safe, and that they can do hard things. 

Even if things don't go to plan, you know they will cope. This can be hard, especially because it is so easy to 'catch' their anxiety. When it feels like anxiety is drawing you both in, take a moment, breathe, and ask, 'Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?' Let your answer guide you, because you know your young one was built for big, beautiful things. It's in them. Anxiety is part of their move towards brave, not the end of it.
Sometimes we all just need space to talk to someone who will listen without giving advice, or problem solving, or lecturing. Someone who will let us talk, and who can handle our experiences and words and feelings without having to smooth out the wrinkles or tidy the frayed edges. 

Our kids need this too, but as their important adults, it can be hard to hush without needing to fix things, or gather up their experience and bundle it into a learning that will grow them. We do this because we love them, but it can also mean that they choose not to let us in for the wrong reasons. 

We can’t help them if we don’t know what’s happening in their world, and entry will be on their terms - even more as they get older. As they grow, they won’t trust us with the big things if we don’t give them the opportunity to learn that we can handle the little things (which might feel seismic to them). They won’t let us in to their world unless we make it safe for them to.

When my own kids were small, we had a rule that when I picked them up from school they could tell me anything, and when we drove into the driveway, the conversation would be finished if they wanted it to be. They only put this rule into play a few times, but it was enough for them to learn that it was safe to talk about anything, and for me to hear what was happening in that part of their world that happened without me. My gosh though, there were times that the end of the conversation would be jarring and breathtaking and so unfinished for me, but every time they would come back when they were ready and we would finish the chat. As it turned out, I had to trust them as much as I wanted them to trust me. But that’s how parenting is really isn’t it.

Of course there will always be lessons in their experiences we will want to hear straight up, but we also need them to learn that we are safe to come to.  We need them to know that there isn’t anything about them or their life we can’t handle, and when the world feels hard or uncertain, it’s safe here. By building safety, we build our connection and influence. It’s just how it seems to work.♥️
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#parenting #parenthood #mindfulparenting
Words can be hard sometimes. The right words can be orbital and unconquerable and hard to grab hold of. Feelings though - they’ll always make themselves known, with or without the ‘why’. 

Kids and teens are no different to the rest of us. Their feelings can feel bigger than words - unfathomable and messy and too much to be lassoed into language. If we tap into our own experience, we can sometimes (not all the time) get an idea of what they might need. 

It’s completely understandable that new things or hard things (such as going back to school) might drive thoughts of falls and fails and missteps. When this happens, it’s not so much the hard thing or the new thing that drives avoidance, but thoughts of failing or not being good enough. The more meaningful the ‘thing’ is, the more this is likely to happen. If you can look behind the words, and through to the intention - to avoid failure more than the new or difficult experience, it can be easier to give them what they need. 

Often, ‘I can’t’ means, ‘What if I can’t?’ or, ‘Do you think I can?’, or, ‘Will you still think I’m brave, strong, and capable of I fail?’ They need to know that the outcome won’t make any difference at all to how much you adore them, and how capable and exceptional you think they are. By focusing on process, (the courage to give it a go), we clear the runway so they can feel safer to crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. 

It takes time to reach full flight in anything, but in the meantime the stumbling can make even the strongest of hearts feel vulnerable. The more we focus on process over outcome (their courage to try over the result), and who they are over what they do (their courage, tenacity, curiosity over the outcome), the safer they will feel to try new things or hard things. We know they can do hard things, and the beauty and expansion comes first in the willingness to try. 
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#parenting #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparent
Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.

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