We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
Hi everyone,
Its been three years I have been in a relationship. My boy friend was so loving and texted me and dated with me for one year. Since last one year, he has been so busy as he is a marketing guy. He hardly send one word msg and does no meaningful conversation. No phone calls. When i told him, he says i am needy. And becuase of that he is stone walling me. He is always online on his official whatsapp. He says he has to make so many calls to his clients and has no time. But even after his office hours he do not call me nor make time for me. He is always busy
I’ve been for 28 years with my husband, he put me down all the time, he says that a piece of shit is worth more than me, I don’t remember the last time we had sex
My name is Sandra and I have read all this I’m going through it now ..but after reading this I feel better..its time for me to move on
Im so confused any advice would be gratefully recieved.
I come from an abusive home, at 16 years old went into an abusive 16 year relationship which I ended. I have a new partner who has been with me for 3 years, at first he was charming, charismatic etc. Now not so much, when I try to tell him things he is doing he brings up my past saying that I like playing the victim as there’s a repeating pattern, first my parents then my ex and now its him? That leaves me totally confused and really hurt. He told me that if I lost 2/3 of my weight he would fall in love with me, after 3 years I think thats an awful thing to say, then he put it down to me understanding it wrongly and not being motivated enough. When I said to him imagine if I said that to you, he told me he isnt coming onto my level, I should be going onto his. Whenever I tell him things thats happening whether it be my disability or past events he comments how im not the only one and that he went through the Balkans war and he lost his parents at 9 years old. But on the other hand he tells me about his mother when he was at university so im left even more confused!
I mean I did tell him things about my past because I thought it was the right thing to do, I dont sit and whine about it as I just like to get on with my life, but he uses it against me. I find it hard to tell him exactly my issues so I sent him information links on Google, when we speak he down plays it says my googled illnesses like i just googled them and decided to choose them. He has brought me everything I could dream of but then he says im an ungrateful person. I feel like its a catch 22 situation. Is it me, am I what he says and I cant see it, am I projecting my past events onto him to fit the mould or is he just messing with my mind?
I have been with my boyfriend 9 yrs and we both a daughter who is8 year old. From the time I met him always cheating. Specifically at work. Nightshift and work at nursing home. Each place he goes not one woman at 3 women he will be sleeping with them.
Its hard to leave but you should leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Men like him think they are entitled to cheat and you will forgive it time after time. Just leave him. I know it hurts but 1) you will teach him a lesson he won’t forget 2) you will regain your self respect.
Many people think they need to stay for the kids but the kids don’t like seeing their parents miserable. Kids notice EVERYTHING everyday – they really do. If you teach your kids that husbands cheat and wives forgive, you’re setting them up for a lifetime of misery and failure because they don’t have good ethics. Kids learn by example. Stand up for yourself and be strong. That teaches your daughters that women can be strong and independent and teaches your sons to respect women because we don’t need men to be happy and raise our kids. Its hard to raise kids alone but it can be done and its better than being miserable living with a liar and cheat. He won’t change unless he wants to and he won’t want to unless you hurt him. There are better men out there who don’t cheat and you can find one. Believe me, I’ve been there.
why are you still with him?
Why are u with him. What’s the purpose. He does what he wants and has you for a door mat (convenient). Diseases out here but yet you say it so non meaningless. So what are you asking ? How to make him stop ? Only u can by walking out !!
Why are you complaining? You knew he was cheating from the beginning, and you’re with him for 9 years? That was your choice, and continues to be your choice. You chose to stay with a cheater. You must not be too bothered by it.
Help me. How do I find the strength to leave a toxic person who I LOVE but keeps making mistakes and disrespecting our trust and relationship by drinking. He’s bringing me down with him but he’s manipulative, he makes me think I owe him for the past… there’s so much more. I obviously know what to do but I’m scared. It will be a huge fight when he leaves, he says some nasty things when he’s in defensive mode. Desperate for some advise…
I’ve been in a toxic friendship for close to two years now. I’ve been trying to understand how it all started and from this article, I’ve discovered it’s jealousy. It all started when she started comparing her life to mine. And it all went downhill from there. I’ve been through so much hurt and emotional stress. I am putting an end to it real soon, by hook or crook. And funny thing is, she has been on her best behavior ever since she discovered I’m trying to separate. This just shows her attitude has been intentional all along. I hope I’m able to be finally free of her. I wish there was a therapist I could talk to.
I had a similar friend – narcissistic personality disorder (undiagnosed). I knew there was something wrong with her but it took me a long time to put it all together. We had been friends for over 20 years, many of them very bad and the others were bad off and on. She lost all her friends one by one as they realized she was toxic. You will be so much happier when you end your friendship and put distance between you and your friend. People like that are not normal and won’t change for the better. If anything, they just get worse. Save yourself while you can. Move on – there are other people out there looking for good friends who are not toxic. You’ll find some of them – have faith that things will work out.
Why do you have to “hope”? Just be “too busy” every time she calls or wants to meet. Then block her number. Block every single means of contact she has with you-phone, social media, etc. If you run into her, politely say “Hi, hope you’re well, I’ve got to get to (make up whatever you want).” You can’t discuss things with these people, it is never a two-way street for them. You owe them nothing, and don’t expect to get anything from them. Do not try to explain why the relationship is hurting you, unless you want drama and to be emotionally attacked. Just pull away, and stay away.
how do I get through my best friend leaving me because of some toxic fake plastic girl and her best friend who just hates me and tells lies about me? I can’t do this anymore. I’m thinkung about ending it. My life. I never get anything I want (or need) and I know it sounds like i’m being dramatic. I just can’t do this anymore. I never did anything to deserve this. PLEASE HELP
Please Please DON’T consider ending your life. Life changes constantly and theres a very good possibility you can change things if you hang in there and change your thinking. Our minds and attitude are very powerful. Please do this:
1) Pray for good things to come your way. 2). Envision the good things you want and have faith that they will come. I’m not talking about religion or spirituality. Our minds and imaginations are powerful. What we believe will happen will actually happen. Fill yourself with positive and happy ideas. I also highly recommend you learn some form of meditation. Eastern forms of meditation have been helping people for eons. Please don’t give up. There are people in your life who love you.
I’m praying for you. No one is worth ending your life. I was the break up queen in my twenties. Yes it was sad & depressing but now I’m married 27 years. Just keep going. That’s what life is. Good things, bad things & we keep going getting stronger & better along the way. I’m so grateful for all my breakups because it made me stronger to handle all the good & bad in the last 27 years. Remember you are not alone. You are strong!
Hi, if your in trouble, go back to your parents or a close relative. Never never take your life. The fallout to others is extreme.
Seeing how many posts on this shows we’re not alone- I’ve been in the most toxic relationship with a well-versed narcissist.I’m 32, shes abouts the same age, literally can never believe a word she’s saying regarding her wherabouts! it’s like always some weird misleading story- always answers the phone and has to walk away from ppl, would take a while to respond, said she lives in a different place now, comes back to visit on weekends, the thing is, her WORDS, love bombs, tell’s me how much she wants me in her life, wants to make it work, fix herself, all of that, but as we all know- actions always speak louder! I’m finally coming to grips with the fact I was another source of supply for her- I’ve been discarded, I was used. It was only about sex with her- getting her needs met. I think she’s been living a double life, running around with who knows how many other men.. she has a lot of addictive traits, well, I think she’s an addict- I know she does things like smokes, does DMT, prescribed to adderal for years, and I have no clue what kind of other substances she uses. But her personality is so hot and cold- I feel immense abondment now, cause she always is making it out to be my fault. Like I’m untrusting, don’t beleive her, controlling- when meanwhile, soo many of her stories just dont add up.. if she cared for me the way she said she did- she would be spending her time with me, not some wild random story and runaround of when she’s availablle.. It hurts to be treated like this. I guess I’m stepping back and really seeing how co-dependent I was to let it get to this point. Shouldve cut it off months ago, but always take her back. It’s wild how some ppl can bold face LIE to you to your face, tell you YOUR the crazy one, and let you suffer in pain while they ride off some emotional high they’re getting from whoever else their hanging with. No more will I play the game.
I’m old. Been through many relationships. There are abusers. Lots of them.
But most people are just unaware, and many problems in a relationship can be solved by acknowledging that the person in the mirror is making drama because they feel afraid, lost, inauthentic, angry, whatever.
If you afraid, call for help to leave. If you are not afraid, look for the toxic in the mirror first before pointing it out, or ghosting it, in someone else.
You’ll be a lot happier when you’re old if you clean up your energy before blaming others.
I am in a relationship with a man who just seems to want to keep me outside the door of his life. He will tell me things like, having a bad day, had a bad dream, well this sucks, this guys gonna piss me off, etc, but when I ask for more details, he says things like, oh it’s nothing, Or I will tell you later, (and never does) or it’s was just stupid, I feel baited sometimes. He won’t show his true feelings, and keeps his life very private, But says he loves me wholeheartedly. If this is true, then why does he not let me into his life 100%? But I love this man, but don’t know how much more I can take
I just got out of a toxic friendship with one of my friends, I’ve known her nearly all my life, and most of the time I am her friend. There has been the odd year where I haven’t been. It gets quite annoying because all she ever does is start drama. It is extremely annoying. The whole of last year, all she did was make me feel small and worthless. She turned everyone in the friendship group against me, it was a shit year. I couldn’t even get out of there because she would just turn everyone against me, one time in grade 3, she was had locked herself inside a small room, and I was trying to help her get out, then when I got it free, the chain on her side of the door hit her in the face. It was just me and her there, so she went off and said I punched her! For the next six months, no one would go near me!
I started at high school this year, sadly she is still in my class because the majority of students were from my school, but all these new people came to school too. People said I was lucky because I knew a lot of most people, but to me, I felt like a new student, because I promised myself, that even if it meant I would have no friends for a while, I wasn’t going back there. Now I have a lot of friends and after a while, two of the girls that were friends with the mean one ditched her and came over to me.
It is still hard though. I always help whoever is in a fight with her, because I know exactly what it’s like. She is still really mean to me and starts drama all the time, but honestly, it is hard to start drama with someone who doesn’t care. I try my hardest not to let it get to me. I don’t care if she starts fights, the drama she can even try to turn my friends against me. Even if she does manage to turn my friends against me, they weren’t really my friends. My new friends are still learning. But they all know that I would do anything for them. I have saved all of my friends from one time or another. Honestly, even though I do all of this, I’m the least important in our group. I have done some pretty stupid stuff to save my friends, and I’ve lost friends because of it, but I don’t care.
It is getting hard being away from here, and she is starting a lot of drama. It’s hard not being friends with her. I know if I do go back, I will lose a lot of my friends, then if I do get out they won’t be there. Those friends have saved me. If I didn’t have them, I honestly wouldn’t be here, and that scares me. If you have any tips on stopping yourself from getting back into that friendships, please, please let me know.
I’m currently talking to this guy. All in all, he’s really nice. I’ve liked him for several years now and I managed to confess earlier this year to him. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He also said that he and I could be friends.
I accepted his feelings of not wanting a relationship, and as such, I started talking to him as friends. We talked for a good 6 months or so, and then we got into this fight.
I don’t know what sparked the fight, but all I know was that I was angry at him for something. He initially asked what had happened, and I told him the issue.
I felt that the conversation was quite productive, so I said goodnight and went to bed as I outlined to him that we could talk about it the next day as I was tired. The next morning, he was saying really nice stuff and talked to me a lot (like he would reply back really quickly and would talk to me for hours).
I decided to check my social media and I found that he had removed me on Instagram and blocked me on snap. I was extremely confused.
I immediately asked him if he had blocked me, and if so, why and what happened. He then said that it was because he was ‘pissed’ at what happened that night. I asked him to outline what made him angry, and he said that it was what I said to him about what made me upset/angry. He said that apparently, I was saying bad things about him, and I kept ‘calling him out’. He also said that his school friends told him to block me.
I asked him why he found blocking me was a solution. In a sense, we could’ve talked it out. I was willing to say sorry and work things out. He got angry and blocked me on Instagram and on Discord (which is where we talk).
I tried to get to him to know where the real problem was through his private acc on Insta, and that’s when he unblocked the discord acc.
I don’t know if I’m the toxic one here.
I don’t know what to do anymore. We’re still talking now, but it’s definitely more awkward. The way me and him know each other is through Church. I never intended for him to be this angry at me, and he stated that he is still thinking about if he should unblock me on Instagram. I’m afraid of having a discussion with him, especially because he said he gets angry really quickly. What if I make him upset and angry? I feel like I destroyed our connection.
My brother-in-law is like this, and to complicate things, he’s manic depressive, so he’s used to people giving him a pass, and I’ve caught him bragging to my sister about his “get out of jail free card”.
And my wife has clinical depression, so it’s not like I don’t know what I’m talking about. She doesn’t buy into his nonsense, either. In fact, she constantly worries about taking advantage of me herself, and I tell her not to worry, if she was, I’d know. She also doesn’t buy into his nonsense, nor does she expect a pass because of her own condition.
Sadly, my dad does, and always has. He once told me that being mad at my brother-in-law when he becomes verbally abusive is “like being mad at somebody for having a broken leg”.
Wrong. It’s like being mad at somebody with a broken leg who keeps poking you with their cane and kicking you with their cast, because they think it’s their right.
Big difference.
So, I live with my Ex-husband. I know, l-a-m-e. But, unfortunately I had a severe medical disability happen to me where I was no longer able to work at 51 and I basically had no where else to go. We were married for 17yrs and although it wasn’t the best of times, it also wasn’t the worst of times. However moving back in with him I thought (much to my disillusion) that he had actually changed in the 5yrs we had been apart and maybe had grown up some and realized his degree of toxicity, stubbornness, and laziness, does not make for a good partner for even the worst wife on the planet. So, long story short, not only did he make progress, he digressed more than I ever imagined possible. If they were to ever post an article about toxic men I am 1000% certain his picture would be featured. And no, I am not a man hater. Not at all. I am a toxic person hater. Let me give you an example. I have extreme back issues/pain. I was trying to toss a small, empty, prescription bottle to him to help him out so he could look into what happened with a refill and with my unsteady back the bottle ended up instead of on his desk landing on the floor. He accused me of throwing it at him!!! He actually tried to convince me I did this, and, on purpose! He would rather die than apologize for anything, yet he swears he apologizes more than any person on the planet!! This loser has a master’s degree when it comes to placing blame, dodging responsibility, and owning anything. And, for those of you who are savvy on your “criminal thinking errors”, he has “victimstance” down to a T. His favorite saying is “you can’t question MY feelings, this is how you make me feel”. Funny thing is, if I ever dare try to tell him anything about himself, he immediately interrupts me by jumping on the defensive bandwagon telling me how I am delusional. Bottom line, if you are ever unfortunate enough to run into an individual like this…..run. Far and Fast. For you own mental well being. These people are masters at mental mind effs.
How do you know who is the toxic one because the line’s are so unclear to me at this point. I tell my hun, good morning his response is what’s so good about it. I say it’s so nice out let’s go for a drive or something. He will say why ? Or he never feels good. We just go round in round about the same issues in our relationship never really fixing the problem and no counselor is ever good enough. I am told because of my lack of trust for him is why every problem in the relationship is mine. I tell him he put our bills in the back of his truck basically under the seat. I didn’t know which bill had not been paid yet because he said he paid them. Then the PUD got shut off but ne not trusting him is my fault. He said he paid the water bill and that got shut off. I had just gotten paid so I paid the bills he said he paid and when I ask what happened too the bill money he gets mad for asking. I am told I’m the toxic one all of the time to the point that I wonder are we both Toxic or is the whole darn world toxic. When is it time to say enough is enough. He hid money from me but of course. I would find out money is missing when it’s 4,000. Like G I’m not going to notice that. Ok so you get my point.
Thanks for this article about toxic people. My brother and my son hurt me for 10 years and stole my house then I got free with my remaining life even with less money -Is that right!!
My aunt says she’s “tired of my attitude” yet I’ve done nothing…why?
This is a comforting read. I just got out of a relationship with a person like this yesterday. I am hurting badly as I have feelings for them. They told me from the get go that they had a few personality and mental disorders, which I dutifully researched in an attempt to understand, and I thought I could help them. Naive of me.
I recognise so much of this. Always creating drama, nothing you say or do ever being enough to resolve their issue, no responsibility taken for wrong behaviour, being accused of crazed paranoia if you dare to suspect you’re being lied to, being totally in love with you one day but cold as ice the next, laughably being accused of being an alcoholic for occasionally wanting to socialise with friends.
My head is messed up. My work and social life were being slowly consumed by them. For seemingly bugger all in return. This reassures me I have done the correct thing.
It’s difficult to read these comments because I loved a person like this as a friend. I thought I was toxic and a narcissist because she called me one! Even being in love with her as a friend was wrong.. I’d crossed a line by telling her..I’ve done so much for her…then made a huge mistake and paid for it. Seems whatever I did before or the value of our friendship meant nothing to her really..never mind. Move on.
I was in an incredibly abusive 6-month relationship (felt like 6 years) with a man who drained me of all joy in life. Like the typical NPD-ridden psychopath, he charmed the hell out of me until I agreed to be his girlfriend, and oh how quickly things changed. It always starts with the emotional abuse and then leads to physical, you know, at first it’s just “You’re not wearing that. Who are you trying to look sexy for? You look like a whore” then it’s a slap, then it’s a cigarette burn, then it’s a full blown K.O. He busted my face, ears, broke all my electronics, gaslighted me, stole my belongings, threatened to kill me, kill himself… I could go on forever. I had to leave the country to escape him and when I finally did, and turned to my father for healing, I was met with more emotional abuse. My father shamed me for leaving the job he had helped me get. He got angry at me for having no appetite. I had lost 20 lbs (I’m already thin) by this point and was suffering with food poisoning, yet was forced by him to attend hotel dinners and whatnot. I finally left him and turned to my mother who basically nursed me back to health for 4 months. Years later I am in a healthy relationship with someone who adores me and treats me like gold, yet I am continually noticing the toxic behaviours I have picked up due to my previous relationship. The worst thing about being in these abusive relationships is that you end up carrying baggage with you throughout the rest of your life and sometimes no matter how much self-love you try to practice and how many therapy sessions you attend, you don’t really ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I send healing energy to every single person out there, man and woman, who is in my position. Take life day by day and I truly hope you are able to find the happiness you deserve.
Both my mother and older sister are the most toxic people I’ve ever met. They literally tick all the boxes, especially the fact they never admit their mistakes, let alone apologizing. Someday when I’m financially independent, I’m gonna cut off contact with them and flee as far away from them as I can.
I thought I was alone, I am in a nightmare now with a person who you have described down to the last detail. My toxic seems to be going into overdrive trying desperately to pull me back as I try to pull away. I am stressed to the max that I am on pills to calm me down. Toxic has me afraid, he has a temper too, he screams and yells with teeth bared like a rabid dog and slams things around if he feels he is losing ground. He has very little regard to any of my needs or feelings and I am left feeling like a burden and need to be tolerated. I am tired, because of his manipulations I have resort to subterfuge to escape. So I sit here night after night trying to devise my escape. It may take a while but I will be free.
I’ve been dealing with a toxic Friend, Who really tries to Switch things up On me an Make me out to be the toxic one. All I asked her is one Question and I got Screamed at, an entire paragraph how I’m hurting her, When those really weren’t my intentions, at all. Her reasoning for it was really stupid as well, I did end up saying sorry, but I kept getting frustrated with her so I just decided to Block her and end it. She was trying to manipulate and guilt trip me, not to mention she was 2 faced, And just so much more. Anyway thank you for the article, It helped a lot 🙂
WOW! YOU ARE SPOT ON! Thank you.
Marriage counselors suck – as in “make things your fault” – when you’ve got a toxic significant other but this article nails it. Thanks for making me say, “Eh, he’s screwed up,” rather than “how can I be a perfect independent woman while being nice to my lying husband while he does whatever crap he wants”, and then praising him effusively for taking out the trash before he is blows you off while telling you how great his day was;” Your crappy marital counselor (hopefully, “was” your counselor) will then tell you that you talk too much and advise you to avoid judging or drawing conclusions about his character. Seriously, “avoiding the ‘I’ word” when you’re dating/married to a narcissist is the equivalent of walking into a gun fight with a knife. Now I know to avoid the fight.
RUN!! DO NOT ENGAGE!
And sorry for talking too much (I know I know) but this article needs to form the basis of a new mental disorder in the DSM VI: “Toxic People” with subcategories of “Co-Workers / Bosses”, “Significant Others”, “Family”, “Friends”, and “Everyone Else.”
Also, nos. 9 thru 12 need a advice re: responding. (I know this is an ancient post my gawsh: it’s popular.)
hi, my partner is like that, she loves me alot, but she has all those things, she will have tantrum and she will get too much emotional. if i go to washroom also i need to keep proof but still it willnot work. i tried to stay separate bcz i was tired of 3 times a day fight, morning evening and afternoon. i spend a few weeks very relax and happy but i saw her whatsaup status and facebook post, she keep crying and sad, which i couldnt bear it, i start meeting with her again. but still the same. i really want to help her, can you advise me or help me how to make her a normal person. i m tired of this attitude. for me its very hard to leave someone in my life. please help me i want her to be ok.
What do I do, the person I am with is nice to me one day and is cold and distant the next… ?sometimes quite passive aggressive when I am trying to have a simple conversation with him, he acts uninterested, it makes me feel like I’m trying to force conversation with a stranger and it makes me feel like he is quite detached from me.
Don’t force conversation with him. Let him come to you.
What is your relationship to him? Wife, partner, or friend? If it’s one of the last two, it might be best for you two to walk your separate ways.
Elle, it sounds like he’s passive-aggressive and abusive and someone you’d want to avoid having a relationship with. Follow your intuition – if he runs hot and cold and is distant and detached then listen to the warning signs. You should only surround yourself with good and loving people, people who respect you. People who are stable and don’t play mind-games. You deserve better. Also, if you’re in a sexual relationship with him and he’s treating you this way, that’s a huge red flag. He should respect you, make plans for dates, show affection in non-sexual ways, and want to converse with you and listen to your feelings. Cool off on the sex and see what happens – does he drop you like a hot potato, does he start begging for sex (which may indicate that’s all he’s after), or does he try to mend your relationship, which is the only correct answer. Please don’t let yourself be used or mistreated in any way. And it’s not your job to teach another person how be decent and kind. If they don’t possess those qualities on their own then it’s time to move on.
Leave him alone. He’s either not interested or is playing a game or has problems you can’t help him with. Do not allow yourself to get down on yourself over how a guy treats you. If he’s not lifting you up, he’s bringing you down.
I had a guy like that. We started dating and he was really into and then suddenly he backed off, stopped calling me and acted like a casual and indifferent acquaintance. I confronted him but he didn’t respond. I gave up and walked away from the relationship thinking he just didn’t love me and it was breaking my heart. I went about my life and threw myself into my work to get over him. After a few years, he found me online and emailed me. He regretted how he had treated me and professed his love. My distance showed him he loved and missed me.
The lesson? Walk away if he won’t respond to you and get on with your life. If he cares and loves you, it’ll be a wakeup call to him. If not, you will find love with someone else. There are good men looking for good women. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesnt love you.
Cheryl please run away from this man. I promise you will be so happy on your own, living a beautiful new life, with friends and having your own wonderful voice and thoughts and opinions. No more worrying about him and how he torments you. And that is what he does, is torment. You have a whole life to live. Please don’t waste it on someone who is holding you underwater. Open this new door and walk through it. You have a great new life right at your fingertips I promise. Don’t be afraid. I hate to say it but I find us women are far more powerful and complex than what most men can understand or tolerate. We evolve and are amazing natural beings. We have souls deeper than anything in existence. And for a man to treat you like this? It shows where they rank evolution wise. Please make yourself number one. Because you are. You can do this. All you need is you self love. And you do love yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t feel that this is wrong.
Leave now and don’t waste any more energy on this douchebag
This seems like my mother’s mother who I hate very much. She doesn’t deserve the title she was given. Some of these traits are what she portrays daily and the sad part about it is that I can’t tell anyone like I don’t have anyone to tell and my mother says I complain too much so I just keep it to myself and sometimes I just feel so depressed and she calls me all sorts of names like she and I are the same age. I mean you received the title grandmother when I was born so why don’t you act like one instead of comparing and favoring your other grandchildren to me? Huh?! Smh. I’m honestly so sick and tired of her and the way she behaves towards me.🙄 and the worst part about it is when she berates or chastises me she always wants me to do something for her. Smh.
No family member has any right to call you a hurtful name and get away with it. I recommend avoiding the people who hurt you as much as you can.
I’ve always been a magnet for those type of people. I was in a bad way when I was a young teen. I opened up to (still to this day) the most toxic person I’ve had the pleassure of meeting.
For whatever reason I accepted their obvious behaviour; i guess I was young and easy to manipulate.
Through over 8 years we learned allot about eachother and I learned a little of what it’s like to be toxic from their point of view. I loved them back then and love them now.
Those who are hardest to love, need it the most.