Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship


15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.

Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.

Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.

We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realise something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.

Can I fix it?

All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:

  • moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
  • you avoid each other more and more;
  • work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.

If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.

Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on

What are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?

Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.

Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.

  1. It feels bad. All the time.

    You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you is eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.

  2. You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.

    Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions becomes traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements becomes traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.

  3. You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.

    We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.

  4. There’s no effort.

    Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’

  5. All the work, love, compromise comes from you.

    Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been. 

  6. When ‘no’ is a dirty word.

    ‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.

  7. The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are. 

    One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.

  8. There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.

    You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.

  9. Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.

    These are deal-breakers. You know they are.

  10. Too much passive-aggressive.

    Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.

  11. Nothing gets resolved.

    Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment. 

  12. Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.

    In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’

  13. Privacy? What privacy?

    Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one  on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constantly supervision. 

  14. The lies. Oh the lies!

    Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.

  15. Big decisions are for important people. And clearly you’re not one of them.

    If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.

I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?

If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.

And finally …

There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.

Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.  

Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there. 

Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that. 

It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.

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Hi after reading your page,i did not note am in a toxic relationship been with my guy four years but he changed canceling our dates lies.he says he is busy now we see each other months n he refuse I go to his place instead he insist he will come.communication became less and if we talk we end up arguing. I end up so sad that he chose his best friend over me and says every fight i start is that I don’t trust him


Any input on my marriage of 14 years? I find myself longing for other men that hold qualities that i would love to see in my husband. My husband is 11 years older than me. we have a long story so long story short, Im always wrong he’s always right, my past gets rubbed in my face constantly making it so what I want does not count, we argue a lot, I try to get out of the arguments before they start but he has to make sure it ends bad. he doesn’t respect my religious views which Ive had since he met me(all my life and I don’t ask for much). Everything we(kids included) are things he likes to do but not things we like to do. I have bent in his direction in every way but he only bends in mine just takes teensy weensy bits in little steps that he really doesn’t want to take but has to for the sake of not looking like an ass in front of everybody. I am a different person because of him. I am so stressed and anxious all the time my doctor has prescribed me medication for it. My kids don’t respect him anymore, he has to drink and use some kind of substance as soon as he gets home from work, he doesn’t like anybody including my family. I do the man work in the house, I do all the work in the house and with the kids, the house is NEVER clean enough, he doesn’t allow me to go back to school and doesnt care to see me become successful at anything, I get in trouble for every penny I spend including groceries(I have 3 kids 9, 13 and 15). there are so many other things. On a positive note, we care for each other and love each other, sex is insane, he’s loyal, he’s a hard worker and a great provider, he still comes to church with me but its the bare minimal. Please excuse my punctuation, I gave up!:)


This doesn’t sound loving. Also how do you know he’s loyal and is it just because hes old tired and cheap? And how can the sex be that great? Sounds like you have no real intimacy. I dont know what else to say but this sounds lonely abusive and hurtful.

Jason C

That sounds eerily like my experience…only the gender roles were reversed. Married seven years and I went from being on a pedestal to being marginalized and soul crushed. To make matters worse…the relationship had “just enough” tender moments that I stayed longer than I should have vainly hoping it would get better (it didnt).

That’s the quandary you’re in. Is the glass half empty or half full? Is my partner Dr. Jekyll or Mr.. Hyde? If he’s a narcissist…he’s the latter not the former. Narcissists are masters of manipulation…they’ll leave their partner starved for affection but drop just enough bread crumbs to keep that person from leaving but never enough to feel secure. If their partner is an empath or an optimist…these bread crumbs will give that person vain hope that the relationship can be fixed (when most of the time it can’t).

Bottom line. You have to decide if your life is better with him or without him. If this dismissal of your feelings and that if your children is a phase or simply who he is. If it’s who he is…time to seriously consider a different path.


Got married to my husband, he married me for papers, then had a kid, got kicked out twice and then he came back I said no.. he was so abusive, so why am I suddenly feeling guilty after 4 years of being separated

Jason C.

Some people are hardwired to blame themselves regardless. Perhaps feeling responsible for the transactional nature of the marriage (for papers). Perhaps wishing it would work out for the child. Either way…walk away and don’t look bad.

Honey J

It is really difficult to see for yourself when you are in a toxic relationship sometimes, I know I have been there. No matter what your friends and family might be telling you, if you’re in love, you won’t be honest with yourself. But this article is really good, all the points and the signs are absolutely right. I hope it will help a lot of people.

Alice S

Sometimes one may have a pattern of toxic relationships, even starting in the childhood, in general early in life. Their parents have toxic behaviour and the child reproduce some of them throughout their lives. People accept and stay in toxic relationships because they’re mostly scared of being alone. If there is no happiness, joy, respect, affinity and love, a relationship can show up signs of constant disagreements, exchange of words, grudges, rancour, resent and anger. One can notice and finally accept of the ‘not happy’ it is! Take action, change or get out.


I am in a yo-yo toxic relationship. When we met my mother was in hospice so some of the red flags were over looked. He was grabbed by a strange woman at the state fair and he stepped all over me and pushed me til we got away. He says he didn’t know her. I am not so sure. The always accuses me of cheating and not loving him til I explain myself and over compensate him with all my time. He has met my family but I have only met his mom on rare occassions. The went on a dating site twice because I was processing my emotions over my mother’s illness and didn’t respond to him and he saud I made him do it. He goes through my phone to see who I have texted or talked to. He doesn’t want me to talk to anyone but him. He even called me a liar when I said I was going to shower but went to sleep instead. I heard a woman on his end of the phone and he called me crazy. I know I what I heard. He said I didn’t heard it on the phone but voices in my head. Everytime I want to talk about my feelings, he thinks I am trying to start a fight. I wanted to volenteer and he said that I would do anything to take time from him. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I shut down and get the strength to leave then I get reeled in again.

Amy S

Reading this has honestly made me realise I deserve better. And that all my thoughts and instincts were true. The relationship I am in is not healthy. She is my first love. And I didnt know what to expect from a relationship, but I now know it is not this. I am slowly losing myself with each day that we are together. I left them once because I couldnt take how low I was feeling. But then I saw them again and they said all these things and we decided to give it another go. But the more days that pass, the more I realise I had been right the first time in ending things. That my mind knew what I needed and now I am just waiting for my heart to understand and let them go. I need tk love myself more than I love them. Thank you for this great read. I have learnt some things and I hope it helps others in finding their own inner strength. Wish me luck


I have been dating my head hurts girlfriend for 3 years and She saids I need to tone it down a bit Bc I give her too much affection an she saids that I’m never grateful for anything when I feel as I am I feel so insecure am I constantly feel sad but I love her and she always puts me last I feel like she doesn’t love me an she recently told me she’s 99% sure that she won’t leave me but I’m 100% sure that I wouldn’t leave her for anyone in college because we’re going to college an I got her a promise ring Bc I love her an I feel like she only got me one because she knew it would make me happy but she always tells me that I need to tone it down and that I need to chill out because I talk about marriage with her a lot and she Says she would want to but then she says mean stuff to me like that An I feel like she never consider my feelings and whenever we argue she asks if I want to break up I don’t know what to do I love her but she makes me so as I feel like she doesn’t love me


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