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15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

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15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.

Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.

Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.

We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realise something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.

Can I fix it?

All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:

  • moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
  • you avoid each other more and more;
  • work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.

If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.

Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on

What are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?

Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.

Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.

  1. It feels bad. All the time.

    You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you is eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.

  2. You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.

    Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions becomes traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements becomes traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.

  3. You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.

    We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.

  4. There’s no effort.

    Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’

  5. All the work, love, compromise comes from you.

    Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been. 

  6. When ‘no’ is a dirty word.

    ‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.

  7. The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are. 

    One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.

  8. There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.

    You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.

  9. Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.

    These are deal-breakers. You know they are.

  10. Too much passive-aggressive.

    Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.

  11. Nothing gets resolved.

    Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment. 

  12. Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.

    In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’

  13. Privacy? What privacy?

    Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one  on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constantly supervision. 

  14. The lies. Oh the lies!

    Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.

  15. Big decisions are for important people. And clearly you’re not one of them.

    If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.

I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?

If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.

And finally …

There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.

Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.  

Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there. 

Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that. 

It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.

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122 Comments

leah

my boyfriend he’s respectful ,he respects me my family and my beliefs but he doesn’t put in much work when it comes to me like he doesn’t plan to see me or spend time with me he wants to but he doesn’t do anything ,I’m not sure if he supports things that i do he wants me to do good but I’m not sure i know he brings out the happy in me but he also gets on my nerves and before i end it i want to know if I’m the toxic one so i can work on it i always question if he interested in somebody else i say i trust him but i still have a what if mindset ,i always think negative i try to think positive but the negative thoughts seem to be more powerful and it’ll affect my moods toward him and in general whenever on thing goes wrong i immediately think about ending it but i don’t be because i think I’m toxic i tell him how i feel but i don’t say the whole thing and get jealous over my what if thought like what if he looks at another girl or if he likes talking to them more than talking to me and ill question him but the with him he’s supportive but not ,he is lazy,and doesn’t put much effort into seeing me , he cheated in his last relationship and that has worried me but he says he don’t want to hurt me and that he wants to be better because he cant hurt me like that i think I’m toxic for example he called my sports team trash and i slapped him because immediately thought he doesn’t support me and he didn’t hug me before he left and it hurt my feelings so i thought about breaking up with him because i felt like he doesn’t support me and because he didn’t give me a hug am i toxic if so how do i help it

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Mary

I’m in a toxic relationship we are both addicts but I’ve been sober 11 years ,he uses still, we have been together for 14: years with 2 children. I have matured immensely, he seems to be going backwards.Im 39 he is 40 he acts like a teenager drinking smoking crack and he and I fight constantly because crack is not allowed in my house I do not have the urge to use anything. I’m tired ready to be happy. He went to jail it was the happiest 2 weeks of my life me and my so.Life is tough and I plan to leave him but I must be careful, because he is very book and street smart. His revenge is cold and cunning wish me luck

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yoyo

I just divorced!!!! I made it!!
He started with trashing my 10-year-old friend 3 month after our dating, and then all of my friends are “strange,” so I have to distance them.
Throwing away all my belongings that had followed me for 7 years. Read through all my letters with my friend and accusing me of lying on “facts” about my ex.
Deleting my “set private” social media photos simply because he thought those photos might relate to my ex.
peeping into my package even when we’re already separated (sent to the address by accident)
He got mad because I said that I am not ready yet for getting married.
We argued A LOT even if I don’t want to, he would say”dont run away from problems, they HAVE to be solved!”
I became depressed once even tho I was the most optimistic person around all of my friends.
It was hard to leave him, but glad I left him now!!!! Now I am happy and independent.

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penny g

Its so hard to realize that an abusive partner is sucking your self esteem. Moreover, their demeaning actions put you in a situation that demoralises you and if you dont leave, there goes another hack out of your already diminished self esteem. It always feels like fight or flight just to save a part of you before theres nothing left.

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Daniel

I’m with a woman who rarely helps with house work. Plays games often on her phone. Works thirds but sleeps all day and sometime tell she needs to be up for work again. Smoking is #1. Has told me she is thinking about suicide and that if I leave her alone she would most likely kill herself. I know have to ask permission to leave my own house. She gets upset cause I own the house and truck and car. She has even to my son’s presents said she wanted to die. I’m also disabled with seizures and bipolar disorder

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JD

Wow, I just broke up with a similar woman. Rarely helps with housework, am alcoholic and like to hold off from sex and not much positive to say. Eventually I snapped and tops her about her extremely selfish ways
Always justifying some negative shes done. O told her she needs to be out by the end of the week…she left the next day

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Preferably Anonymous

Hi. I read this because I find myself questioning if my relationship is what I thought it was, and not sure if it’s going in a good direction.

I’ve been in this relationship for around two years. It’s been great. It didn’t feel toxic, I didn’t feel sad all the time like this list mentions. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve been cheated on, once. Tried to hook up with my best friend, she held her ground. She’s the only reason I know about what happened.

This was a year ago. Of course I was upset, but I worked through it and it seemed like everything would be alright even after what happened. But now that I’m with my best friend again, I don’t know what to do. He sent me 48 texts in two minutes while I was with her. I was worried and tried to talk to him constructively, asked him if he’d talked about what happened a year ago with his therapist. He was convinced my friend was the one asking, not me. Insinuated she was the reason I was angry. He just, blamed the fight and everything on her.

I can understand him being worried about what would be said, but this isn’t even the first time things like this have happened. He gets jealous when I hang out with other friends. When I tried to work on the relationship in the past when he tried to cheat on me any changes fell apart almost immediately. God knows I can’t talk about things with him because it doesn’t matter and everytime it becomes this dramatic mess.

I love him. I care about him. I want to be with him. But I don’t know if I can anymore. For the longest time I’d forgotten about my worries and everything and gave in to his wants because I’d given up. I gave up and did what he wanted, said what he wanted to hear, because I’d given up on him, and because I thought it would make him happy. I can’t do that anymore, and I won’t. I’m starting to try to change it, to fix it, but even now I can still feel that I’m defeated. Even as I try to change things I can only believe that it will all fall apart. But I can’t just leave without trying to change this, right?

I’m not even sure what I’m asking. Maybe I’m just venting. But, even though it didn’t feel toxic at all, and I had fun being with him, it was still toxic without me realizing until two years in. It really scares me.

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Unknown

Brilliant article. In my own personal relationship, I know the answer but don’t want to face the music. I met my partner when I was 18 and he was 36 (although he lied about his age initially and told me he was 26) I believed him, why wouldn’t I? He looked great and was very handsome. He also told me the house he lived in was his own (I eventually learned that it was his ex girlfriend’s dad’s house). The relationship was very volatile, beautiful times followed by awful arguments that usually ended up with the police being called. I was a child of the system, so never had a great support network to fall back on which made me try to make things work with him even more. Nevertheless, I moved in with him, he use to love chucking me out at midnight whenever we’d argue (everyone I knew was 200 miles away so I often had to make arrangements to stay in a hotel or get a train back down). I cheated on him eventually, our sex life was dreadful and he only ever cared about his own satisfaction, once he ejaculated, that was the end of sex. He didn’t care (and still doesn’t) care for pleasuring me. Then there’s the financial issues. He wants to be self employed mostly for the freedom aspect of it but never does anything that will create a stable and healthy income. It’s all cash in hand crap that won’t last. I’ve lost count of the amount of arguments I’ve had about this. I even had to fight with him to get us life insurance. I asked what would happen if you passed, you haven’t got a penny to your name or a pot to piss in. He then agreed to take a policy out. We had a child together 4 years ago, he’s honestly the best thing to have happened to me. So now im in a position where I feel trapped and guilty. If I leave I become a single mum, I will have failed my son who has the best bond with his dad. I know my partner won’t let go easy so I know im not prepared for the fight. I also have no finances of my own so I’m looking to start university soon. Hopefully, I will find the courage to leave once I have a degree and earning potential. I sometimes think ‘am I being ungrateful’ my partner has changed a lot and is a brilliant dad, helps around the house and cooks too sometimes but I just don’t want to spend my life with him. I’m very much done. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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Mary

I know I am in a toxic relationship but my partner won’t let us leave. We have a age gap and been together for 12 years and have a 5 yrs old child together. he has been divorced with two grown up kids. We have brown up few time before my child but got back together again. He is abusive verbally and have been physically , he puts me down all the time and tells me I am working class peasants and have no education. He makes fun of my family whom are well off but not wealthy and adding to that I found out he has cheated on me with a prostitute, I confronted him and he is denying. He tells me that I am a really bad mother coz I try to discipline my child and if I tell my child no to something he goes and gives it to her ! My life is a total mess and I am trapped so badly, he doesn’t want to separate from our child so I am stoke in this hell . I don’t want my child to be exposed to his behaviour towards me . She has seen few episodes as he has anger management issues. He keeps saying let’s solve this problem but I have no feelings towards him and can’t stand him anymore, he has broken every rule that keeps the relationships going .

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