When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships

When It's Not You, It's Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships

One of the joys of being human is that we don’t have to be perfect to be one of the good ones. At some point we’ll all make stupid decisions, hurt the people we love, say things that are hard to take back, and push too hard to get our way. None of that makes us toxic. It makes us human. We mess things up, we grow and we learn. Toxic people are different. They never learn. They never self-reflect and they don’t care who they hurt along the way. 

Toxic behaviour is a habitual way of responding to the world and the people in it. Toxic people are smart but they have the emotional intelligence of a pen lid. It’s no accident that they choose those who are open-hearted, generous and willing to work hard for a relationship. With two non-toxic people this is the foundation for something wonderful, but when toxic behaviour is involved it’s only a matter of time before that open heart becomes a broken one.

If you’re in any sort of relationship with someone who is toxic, chances are you’ve been bending and flexing for a while to try to make it work. Stop. Just stop. You can only change the things that are open to your influence and toxic people will never be one of them. Here are some of the ones to watch out for.

15 Versions of Toxic People

  1. The Controller.

    Nobody should have to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what to wear, how to look, who to spend time with or how to spend their money. There’s nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but ‘the way you do you’ is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldn’t be caged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They don’t crush it.

  2. The Taker.

    All relationships are about give and take but if you’re with a taker, you’ll be doing all the giving and they’ll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If it’s nothing, it might be time to question why you’re there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say ‘yes’ to someone who doesn’t deserve you, you’re saying ‘no’ to someone who does. Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when you’re drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.

  3. The Absent.

    These versions of toxic people won’t return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether they’re okay, or whether you’ve done something to upset them. No relationship should involve this much guess-work.

  4. The Manipulator.

    Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. They’ll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, they’ll be the saviour. ‘Don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ Ugh. They’ll listen, they’ll comfort, and they’ll tell you what you want to hear. And then they’ll ruin you. They’ll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. They’ll calmly poke you until you crack, then they’ll poke you for cracking. They’ll ‘accidentally’ spill secrets or they’ll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. There’s just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. It’s a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.

    You:   I feel like you’re not listening to me.
      Are you calling me a bad listener
      No, I’m just saying that you’ve taken what I said the wrong way.
      Oh. So now you’re saying I’m stupid. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.

    They’ll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more they’ll twist what you’re saying. They want power, not a relationship. They’ll use your weaknesses against you and they’ll use your strengths – your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If they’re showing tenderness, be careful – there’s something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.

  5. The Bullshitter.

    They talk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. They’ll lie outright or they’ll give you versions of the truth – not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You can’t believe a word they say. There’s no honesty, which means there’s no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best they’re raving bores.

  6. The Attention Seeker.

    It’s nice to be needed. It’s also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesn’t mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you don’t respond. ‘Oh. You’re going to dinner with  friends? It’s just that I’ve had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I can’t always expect you to be there for me. If it’s that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. I’ll just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose I’ll be okay.’ See how that works? When there’s always a crisis, it’s only a matter of time before you’re at the centre of one. 

  7. The One Who Wants to Change You.

    It’s one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laugh isn’t so adorable, but when you’re constantly reminded that you aren’t smart enough, good-looking enough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isn’t good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. You’ll never be good enough for these people because it’s not about you, it’s about control and insecurity – theirs, not yours. As long as they’re working on changing you, they don’t have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, they’ll have a shot at shining brighter.

    These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that they’re doing it all for you. ‘You’d just be so much prettier if you lost a few pounds, you know? I’m just being honest.’ Ugh. Unless you’re having to be craned through your window, or you’re seriously unhealthy, it’s nobody else’s business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you won’t believe how much lighter you’ll feel. These ones aren’t looking out for you, they’re trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.

  8. The One You Want to Change.

    People aren’t channels, hairstyles or undies. You can’t change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter – whether they’re snarling or not. People can change, but only when they’re ready and usually only when they’ve felt enough pain.  It’s normal to fight for the things that are important, but it’s important to know when to stop. When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will be you – a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day – you’ll see it in your eyes if something isn’t right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. It’s easier to let go if it’s clear over time that nothing has changed. It’s even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.

  9. The Abuser.

    The signs might be subtle at first but they’ll be there. Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:

    >>  There will be rising tension. You’ll feel it. You’ll tread carefully and you’ll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.

    >>   Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight. There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first you’ll make excuses – ‘I shouldn’t have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.

    >>  Then, the honeymoon. The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. You’ll be so desperate for things to get better that you’ll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.

    >> The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter. 

    If this is familiar, you’re in a cycle of abuse. It’s not love. It’s not stress. It’s not your fault. It’s abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and you’ll crave it, of course you will – that’s completely understandable – but listen to this: Love after abuse isn’t love, it’s manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.

  10. The Jealous One.

    Your partner is important and so are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isn’t love, it’s a lack of trust in you.

  11. The Worse-Off One.

    These people will always have problems that are bigger than yours. You’re sick, they’re sicker; you’re exhausted from working late every night this week, they’re shattered – from the gym; you’ve just lost your job, they’re ‘devastated because it’s really hard when you know someone who’s lost their job’. You’ll always be the supporter, never the supported. There’s only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if there’s nothing coming back.

  12. The Sideways Glancer.

    Ok. So the human form is beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with admiring it, but when it’s done constantly in your company – in your face – it’s tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesn’t mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldn’t have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.

  13. The Cheater.

    Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship – that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and it’s not for anyone else to judge whether or not you should stay. It’s a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When people show you over and over that they aren’t capable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you. 

  14. The Liar.

    Let’s be realistic – little white lies happen. In fact, research has found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someone’s feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship. ‘So that’s the orange cocktail dress you’ve spent a month’s pay on? Wow – you weren’t kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And they’re smiling. And the shop doesn’t take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!’. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.

  15. The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams.

    Whether it’s being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve you are those who support your dreams, not those who laugh at them. The people who tell you that you won’t succeed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If they’re not cheering you on, they’re holding you back. If they’re not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example, your partner might be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to question what they’re getting out of dampening you.

Being human is complicated. Being open to the world is a great thing to be – it’s wonderful – but when you’re open to the world you’re also open to the poison that spills from it.  One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether it’s one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-love. Good people are what great lives are made of. 


Joe Joe

I have been with my partner for 7 years, three of those years we’ve spent married. Last year on 11/2020 she decided to end our marriage only to come back 4 days later, apologizing, I allowed her back and forgave her. Fast forward to 1/2021 when I find out she’s having an emotional affair. We decide to stay together and she takes a trip with her “family” A few days later in 2/2021, she confesses to me that she was actually with that woman physically and so she moves out again. She doesn’t want to make things work and I don’t fight her on it. I take the time to continue working on my self and my love for her is so unconditional that I wish her the best. After two weeks of going back and forth, she moves back in. I love her so much but I am having a difficult time processing all of these emotions. Every time I try to talk about anything, she’s overwhelmed, angry, defensive and emotionally unavailable. I keep blowing up the smallest things because I am extremely sensitive. For example, this morning she decided to stay and not go to work. I asked her to go to the store and grab some stuff for avocado toast and Starbucks. She misunderstood the Starbucks request and I misunderstood that she agreed. She returned and I asked about the Starbucks, not instantly but right before the toast were done and she quickly said “that’s not what I understood”(in a passive aggressive tone) I said “Okay” she then asked me if I was upset and I said “a little” she then asked me “why?” and I explained that “I just thought her reaction was a bit passive aggressive and I just thought she would’ve said sorry” She then answered “I am not apologizing, I didn’t do anything wrong” I explained my self and ended up confessing to her that I feel like she has no patience, compassion or the capability to bend and compromise. Among her stating that she feels like all she wanted to do was eat toast and have a good day, how she should’ve just gone to work, she repeats that she didn’t do anything wrong, she will not apologize, I misunderstood and that I am really upset about not getting Starbucks. It feels like everything is my fault and I feel like I am losing my capability to judge a situation. I am aware that I did not choose my battle wisely but I feel so dismissed, even the small things keep chipping away at me. I don’t like discussing these situations with family or friends and feel like I am going to explode. Any advice would be highly appreciated.


I do believe I am better off, i have my strength to overcome the aftermath of a toxic relationship. The family’s can finally tell me what I already knew and they ask to be forgiven, easily done That sucked bringing up the times I felt alone and empty while he would say I hated you that’s why I did that to you. Not just me has been affected by his ..always revert back to his survival of the criminal within. (The dog will always turns back to his vomit) I’ve lived the shame it was pure hell. She would make sure I knew they were together, that drove me to be very angry and violence towards her. And for what . I caught them many times and he always had i love you …ill never leave you …why did I believe all that and he still hated me for not being the women he foretold his friends. I wanted so much to be that woman he desired but I can not … I was born with a mouth and 2 fist to be ready if my life was threatened by him and he was well aware and for some reason he loved that I would stand my ground. He’s a basher abuser and he doesn’t carry any shame as I have why is that?
It’s the enjoyment of cheating that excited his need for control.
I started planning my future without knowing actually when I was going alone.
I stand alone
I am free from all the emotional pull and all the hateful outbursts so why am I still carrying a heavy head?
I don’t feel the anger the hatred, it’s like I don’t feel … I didn’t cry like all the other times it truly made me crazy with anger before but this time. I walked out of the relationship knowing I don’t deserve to be treated badly .and I knew it was happening again ..then 2 days later he finds me and says are we over …and that’s not fresh enough he returns again to tell me he’s moving in with her … I gather all my composer… and tell him thanku for telling me ….I see them everyday I go to my workplace. I think to myself why me has to live a life of watching them build a relationship i had to watch them outright disrespect me for years can i get a break from all this mayhem besotted upon me please
The best advice I can give to you that has brought me through to the other end is
Forgiving can set you free from baggage…release your hatred don’t let it sit ….wake up to a new day feeling blessed to be happy but alone and that’s ok …. take time for you
Don’t call them for nothing only depend on family and friends they are always your shoulder and I told you so echoes. They will remind you of the person they always admired and loved about you. When your time comes to stand up and make a better life for yourself …surround yourself with happy loving vibes. When your by yourself it’s ok to dwell but try not too …so much. It is what it is and when your ready to break free from it all do so with a plan.
Money to get you out
Keep calm
Stay with loved ones
Forgive yourself
Happiness will follow ….I’m here right now ….. I’m happy to be out but something is a miss … oh Happiness seems so far away at times ….

Asking them to finally tell you the truth ….it was heartbreaking, and he enjoyed every minute so don’t break any sweat. The thing is…you was not crazy but differently had moments .. by me wording it right and not showing anger …I was free from the horrible monkey that weighted heavily on my back….i am free I killed the monkey actually I returned it to them
Free your mind free your heart and soul if you know my journey or going thru such things
Hugs big ones goes to you so you know your not alone


Sorry Bryan. She needs him to feel the pain she is feeling. Idk what the right thing is but id say let her try to feel better. A selfie and comment are harmless.


I have been in an abusive relationship for 32 years, it was both physical and emotional the first 11 years now its just verbal/emotional abuse. He is a complete narcissist, I can not have differing opinions or hit hits the fan, I can have emotions or Iam over reacting, Ive been called every name you can think of and then some, been raped, threatened with death told to stay away from family cause they dont love me anyway, been told I was unlovable, thats why I have no friends, its literally sucked the soul from me. 2 years ago I finally on Christmas day, ( Christmas eve he started a big fight with me called me horrific names etc because I always get emotional on the holidays) so xmas day I got up early and went to McDonalds for brkfst headed back home he accused me of cheating lol then he said maybe we should go our separate ways. Relief I said yes we should, he was shocked, so we discussed everything how we would split our assets etc…. I was never so happy. The next he acted like it didnt happen, so I left it be for a few days, then said ok about our discussion the other day and the decisions we made, he interrupts and says you still on that, thought we were over it? I was crushed. I top toe around so much everyday, I get anxiety 30 min before he gets home from work and lasts till he leaves. I work full time as does he, I do ALL the shopping, cooking laundry housework everything garbage mow the lawn everything. sometimes when I do speak up about it its a mistake, theres a tirade of how Iam lazy and fat and dont do it then he can hire a maid to do what I do, he literally works comes home sits in his lazy boy till bed gets up sits in his lazy boy till work while i serve him get ready for work Iam on my feet for the duration at work 42 hrs a week running around and never sit down till I get in my car to drive home. We dont have sex havent in 2 years, I dont put up with his tirades anymore without giving it back to him but I dont know why Iam here? I dont want to be here, I hate him, I fantasize about a free life away from the negative condescending degrading toxic air here but cant seem to do it. Why? nothing is keeping me here but yet I feel trapped.

Akiim T

No mrs. I honestly believe they are either wicked or actually have a mental illness. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are aware they are hurting people. Without feeling any remorse. Something is terribly wrong. I have been since about 2 yrs, the families crazy scapegoat. I finally get away, and get married then end up in another 3 years of mental abuse until Janurary 6th, 2021.
I am now 31 my (N) Wife managed to manipulate my aunt ( the one i asked for help) and my sister to be their flying monkey. So currently that’s my life. Only have a few family members now. Every one tried to convince me that i disrespected my wifes mother for standing up for yourself. Saying im crazy. I have not been able to sleep much, so i have been reading and learning everything. And it comes down to two choices, either they are EVIL(children of satan) or MENTALLY ILL. What do you really think?

P.s. know anyone i can talk to? (Therapist)


I have a female friend going through a breakup. We have been friends for some time. He has been posting videos and what not on social media that would and has been getting her upset. Basically showing that he’s happy. Like the breakup isn’t bothering him what so ever. She wants to get the guy jealous by posting a selfie and having me comment on it. I told her it wasn’t a good idea to fall in to those games. Basically to be the bigger person. Turns out that was a bad idea. She told me I shut her down when it comes to her. And she got pretty upset with me. I tried to explain to her that I was only looking out for her best interest and it started another fight.

Am I wrong? Or should I let her do what she needs to do?


I think you showed her to be a good friend as your advice is right and good. If you werent a good friend you would just do it so she stops bothering you thinking “well is her problem”
She is in a bad place now. But she will thank you later


All of these traits fall under narcissistic personality disorder (be it overt or covert), sociopathy or psychopathy. It helps to read up on this stuff. My sympathy to all of you out there. The only real solution is to leave. I know it’s easier said than done. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. I’ve been with mine for 20 years and I’m still working on my exit plan. Please be safe you guys!


This is such a great article. We can all be a little toxic sometimes but this outlines exactly the problematic people who do have these points as actual traits that won’t go away. It’s sad and it’s hard to keep loving someone toxic. I understand so much of my failed marriage right now, this article explains these traits so clearly. It’s not just in our head, it’s their traits and sadly there are people like this in the world. They make everything almost impossible, you can’t keep dealing with the lies, the criticism, the blame game, etc. It’s just a nightmare

Lorraine S

I’ve put myself in situations that are uneventful. Most relationships have been abusive, toxic, bitter and mean. I only had one meaningful relationship that fizzled b/c I wasn’t ready for it. We are still friends and that is a great thing. She keeps me grounded although remarried. I moved in w/a woman almost 10 yrs ago to help her out and it has been a nightmare ever since. There is no substance between us. It comes down to me being a man and proving that taking care of a sunken ship tears me down to where I am just unhappy. I’ve provided for her family time and time again to no end


This came to me in A time when i needed, I’ve been holding on to such a toxic, Embarrasing, Degrading and hurtful Relationship. Ive been so blind and alot of the times I have told myself I made This bed so i must NOW lay in it. Im So ashamed with my self.


I feel that every time I stand up to my friend she gets mad ya I do make mistakes but I say sorry a million times she even will remind me off something that was a month ago and I have said sorry even though her friends said I was weird and were never my friends from the starts so I called them fake , She does not like me sitting next to her while working always chooses someone else to work with in school expect me It’s like we should not be friends.

Shannon B

Me and my friend have been friends for 11 years he’s been in jail for 8 months and he finally got out and I was the one that was sticking up for him and helping him I bought him a backpack I bought him clothes what he needed and I tried helping him find an apartment in his hometown but I couldn’t because no one was leaving their Apartments so he decided he wanted to go to New Hampshire and I couldn’t stop him he’s almost 30 years old so I took him New Hampshire even though my family was against it I’m 27 years old I mean I can do what I want with my life so since me and my friend been in New Hampshire for 2 weeks I’ve been trying and trying and trying to help him get an apartment get his SSI going when he needed to get him help and stable and we’ve been arguing like text arguing like it’s both our fault but it’s 11 years of friendship it just got bad and the damage is getting really bad and he’s not listening to me, he keeps trying to text me every single day every single second minute whatever it is just ridiculous he it’s hard to explain to him cuz he’s not you don’t stable in the head he’s not right in the head but it’s just he called me his inspiration when his inspiration should be his two kids that he needs to you know get custody of but we’re both hurting each other and it’s just it’s getting bad it’s getting out of hand so my co-workers my dad is saying you know he’s not right in the head and you need to block him. I was the only one that stuck up for him when he needed someone but he also needs to realize that even throughout 11 years of friendship people change I’m not going to be the same old girl in high school that he met I’ve changed I’ve grown up I had to grow up and it’s hard being a adult butt things change and he doesn’t realize that he wants the old me back he’s not going to get the old me back and he finally admitted that you know he loved me throughout these years I don’t love him I don’t have the same feelings for him and I told I told him constantly and he says he doesn’t believe that but had to tell him again and again so yeah it’s it’s this toxic friendship that we have that I had it I have to cut off because it’s it’s hurting us both I blame myself every single day that it’s my fault I should never brought up brought him up to New Hampshire should never done this or that it’s hard letting go of a friend that you know you imprinted on for so many years and they become like family and then it’s just it’s gone it’s just gone.


After 24 years of a up and down relationship
I decided to call it quits.we both have been verbally abusive but she goes way low.she hates my family with a passion and dislikes me associating or calling them.
I been the bread winner this whole time and we have minor assets like house,furniture,cars etc and all our stuff we acquired through or the years.she wants it all Plus the house and leave me on the street.shes an extremely hateful woman who would do some evil things to hurt me or my family.shes threaten me to make my life so miserable and I believe her.
I’m Finally filing for divorce and I know it’s not going to go smooth.its going to turn into a fiasco.
I know when she knows I file or when it finally ends it’s gonna bad.she has no respect for anyone.i hate to say it but she has this cruel and heartless personality and that is one trait that I have struggled to change from her.
I know it’s going to be hard on me as
Since we been through thick and thin together.
I wish she would change but she won’t..I started therapy and all she would say it’s all bs.my therapist would ask me to bring her but all I got from her is hes full of it.
it saddens me that after all these years she couldn’t change.
My mother saying is “you can’t straighten out a crooked branch”maybe it’s true
It hurts me but I feel it’s time.im getting older and she’s been there for me bit she’s also hurted me emotionally beyond repair
I think the worst part will be the loneliness as I all I do work and home



I feel your pain man, I really do. Know that you are not alone….by any means. There are a lot of abusive women out there, so much so that it can be devastating to the point where you feel that you have lost yourself completely, that your soul has been torn out, and that real honest love can never happen. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Just don’t. I know how hard this is and there are not a lot of resources for men out there. In fact, we live in the post-feminist world where men are demonized and women seem to always have the upper hand in this. But more and more people are waking up to the fact that emotional abuse is often worse than physical, especially for us men. Gather those around you who truly support you and keep fighting for honest love.


Dear Kevin,
Although I do not know you personally, I’m sure you are a generally good, well-mannered man/boy, but I do believe your wording is a bit off-putting. As an empath, I can tell you have a lot of pent-up dislike for the gender of women. Men are in fact, not demonized in a “post-feminist” world, and women do not have the upper hand, and never have in history. Women face more emotional, physical and mental abuse every day than men. I am not trying to invalidate your words or feelings, but I think your naivety and ignorance on the subject of abuse considering women is concerning and can be a bit of false information when regarding the subject. 1 in 6 women have experienced physical or sexual violence by a current or former partner, while for men, it’s 1 in 16. 75% of victims of domestic violence reported the perpetrator as male, while 25% reported the perpetrator as female. Overall, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men have experienced sexual violence. On average, one woman every nine days and one man every month is killed by a current or former partner. I am sure you did not mean to come off so ignorantly, but next time think about your words before you say/write them.


Dear Rob,
I have made this comment hundreds of times, but this website seems to not accept it but I feel as if your comment is harmful to women all around the world and is supporting incel culture. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an incel, not as an insult.
Ive met many incels before as I am surrounded by them at uni and this kind of comment can be harmful to many.

Sean S

It sean

2 years almost me been together yet i feel i been with her only for these 2 years. Its been the most work ever i had to put in losing myself throughtout this relationship. Im the only person with income needing her to get a job to help pay bills and the habits we have like smoking cigss, plus eating out alot and drinking. Yet she thinks cleaning washing clothes is good enoough. We both clean so i dont understand her reason she doesnt have work. She has to go before she kills me with all her lies and other relationship she in while with me.

Lynn W

I truly understand sometimes it’s our heart that keeps us accepting To be abused, but at some point, we have to think of our happiness got out of the relationship before it’s too late.

Not Here

You are allowing her to use you, and you have the power to free yourself from the relationship if you choose to do so. Your post indicates the relationship between you does not have the same meaning, and that it is not healthy for either of you. Eating out, smoking cigars, and drinking appear to be your only common ground. If you believe your life will be better without her and if the place you live is in your name, tell her you want her to leave and give her a short time frame to find somewhere else to go and move out. The choice is yours to make.


I went to a counselor for help and he wound up destroying my entire my life. He violated all ethical guidelines and disclosed everything I told him to my friends, family, co-workers and more. He destroyed all my relationships and went out of his way to do it!! I was naïve and never believed any “professional” would ever hurt me like this but he did. Now I have nothing and he took everyone from me. I never would have believed a therapist who is supposed to “do no harm” could be so evil and destructive. He continued his vengeance long after I terminated with him. How does a sociopath get a license to “counsel”?

Steven H

I just don’t understand how in the world it’s even POSSIBLE to do that. Did you see him for grandiose paranoias personality disorder with a side of inability to be honest???

Robert J

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and everytime we get in a argument she leaves for weeks at a time and she says she is unhappy being with me and after she has belittle the hell out of me she comes back like nothing has happened and she is usually broke she lies about everything I want out but I can’t afford my own place right now I’m always bailing her out financially what should I do I don’t have sex with her anymore because I think she is seeing another man any advice.

Nicole B

Hi my names Nicky. My mother was a pscyopath who had both my father and my sister physically abusing me for years. What I didn’t know at the time that I developed ptsd. I used to go to psychiatrists about the abuse. One of them in Sydney kogarah a male said, I have to be attracted to a patient in order to help them. I said what do you mean and knew exactly what he meant. After my mother kept saying she’d try and ruin my life and I fled to queensland in 2001 I began seeing another one about the horrific abuse I suffered from my whole family. I was just sitting there and she said aggressively you better not start getting aggressive with me. I could tell you which private hospital this is but the moderator would ban me. Then because being back in New South wales in 2018 I went to speak to psychologist about all the hell I’ve been through. I’ve got post traumatic stress disorder. After about five visits she became angry after asking how I felt and she said all my other patients with ptsd are getting better why not you. Maybe you should see someone else. By the way this is government funded. It seems its all about money. Never ever trust them it shall be alleged they have a problem. I’m a Christian and even I’ve found that the so called Christians at our former church because of covid say bad things about me when they see I look better than I used to. Unfortunately this is a dog and dog eat world


Grief counselling, so sorry for your loss, your loss is the worst, help yourself by helping others!! When you do that miracles will come back into your life! I promise!!! What does not kill you makes you stronger! Helping a man who is blind to cross the street, cleaning someone’s house, who cannot walk, saying hello to someone who is extremely lonely, anything!! You are a survivor!! Warrior!! Positive thinking will help you!! Believe me!! You are the best person ever!!!

Peabody' s Cow

I’m 66,used to believe what people said,NOW I believe whatever they tell me they think I want to hear. Learning to be genuine in today’s world is almost as normal as a duck that walks backwards. I take people face value,let them tell me whatever and go home to my dogs. (At least they agree with me most the time,especially at meals)Normal is what? I used to think I was the crazy one but every family is dysfunctional,so I’m happy being me.I don’t need explain me to me!


I met a man who was in a 8 year relationship which he admitted to me, after a month of talking. Initially, i felt such an attraction toward him; in my mind, I felt like i found the one. I became jealous of him and his girlfriend. We would have very sexual conversations, yet he continued to cheat and lie. He would neglect me, and never spend time with me and begged for his time. I begged for the basic human needs. I never felt good enough, yet he ensured me i was gorgeous etc. I kept falling into his trap; telling me that he is changing. But the same patterns kept repeating; and when i finally had the courage to leave; he said he made the biggest mistake of his f***ing life; and he kept blaming me that there is someone else. Really – there was no one else and i was loyal to him for 2 years and gave him relationship benefits. Now that i want to leave; he is saying he will treat me right, but really? my heart is so torn; i do not trust him; he says i don’t know “the real him”. all my friends and family hate him. His ex does not know anything. I am so confused. I am scared and lonely. If i walk away….and i helped build him up….will he treat the next girl amazing and have me regretting it? 🙁

Leigh L S

No he wll treat the next person shitty too. This is who he is. Run, Run and don’t look back.


Hi…. Your mind is not clear at the moment, you need to give time to yourself, take a break… go for holidays…spa, gym… hopefully, things will be clearer and then take decision what to do with your relationships, or how to deal with people… or maybe you realise it was all your mistake… I wish all will be well with you…


No he won’t. He can’t and it’s not possible unless he gains something called “a change of heart”. The only way he can do that is to look deep inside himself and lose the desire to be a jerk. He’d have to face his own inner demons and then recognize and feel the pain very intently that he has caused in others, let it torture him enough to never do it again, and make amends to those he has caused pain. As well, he’s have to make a commitment to maintaining this change of heart. It’s very possible to do but the success rate is very low unless he has a renewed sense of compassion for himself and others and works daily to maintain and strengthen that.


I have been in a relationship for about 3 years with the same woman I was going to marry her but now we have a newborn daughter and I stepped up to the plate to be a father to her three-year-old son.
I am the only one working Financial supporter provider.
And she’s real easy to trigger with anger and get mad at me for words I say and turn it into something very serious and it’s not.
I have been hit by her never called the authorities.
But just recently she did something and said something she would never do.
Calling the authorities on me as she instigates.
And saying I pushed her on purpose or intentional she was in my face yelling at me grass my shirt and holds me her direction we trip over our daughter’s car seat she called the cops on me. Right now I have no contact order I was arrested the battery touch.
I just don’t get it before I was ever with her three years ago my life was fine but I didn’t have someone to love me back I was lonely I have a 750 credit score had two full-time jobs I had three sports cars I had money in the bank I was building up my credit what do something about this woman that I love entirely but it’s really going to be hard to trust her and I trust her that she called the cops on me what’s going to stop her from calling the cops falsely again because I have a past record that’s almost 10 years old now from a self defense case gone wrong.
What should I really do I’m open to suggestions to have anger management us to have a family counselor and for me to see a therapist and for her to see one and see what’s exactly going on because she’s supposed to take PTSD medication but she denies that she doesn’t need it.
She’s also supposedly diagnosed with bipolar schizophrenia and she denies that also.
And she points out that I’m the problem and all I try to do is love and care for my family and all I do is get yelled at cursed at and I get the blame and she doesn’t take ownership that she has a problem also but it’s always me never her.
She likes the playoff is the victim and want other people to feel sympathetic for her and make me look like the bad guy I don’t know what to do any advice you give me would be greatly appreciated cuz only thing I could think right now is I want it to work out I wanted to be better but I’ve never been so Rock Bottom in my life and I’m only focused on my daughter’s future right now which she is my only biological.
And it’s really sad that I just cannot talk to her and she feels some arguing or trying to start a fight with her all I am is having a discussion with her and she up and raises her voice and makes it seem like I’m the problem I don’t know what to do I’m lost for words and I really love this woman but I don’t think there’s that much of a future if we cannot find a solution to the problem and resolve it and reconcile whatever damage has been done.
Her ex-husband that she was with for 10 years what’s a narcissistic controlling mean person.
And her other relationship after him she was with him for a few years and he did about the same damage.
So she’s damaged and broken from them too bad men that was in her life and all I am is trying to help show her that I love her and that she’s cared for and she just got a force field up that I cannot break through.
When she’s not argumentative she is real loving and caring and I love the time that we spend together it’s just been the five months she has not been on her PTSD medication has drastically became worse.


If she’s open to talking with a therapist together you should try it. Give it your all. Change what you can about yourself to be a better person. And if she won’t try, after a while it might be best to break up. Change doesn’t happen overnight…maybe try a 6 month timeline with goals. However, if she manipulates your kindness, or anger constantly to get everything done her way it’s important to point it out. I have problems pressuring my husband this way and it helps when he points outs my one sidedness. And if she truly needs meds then something should be done in case she’s a threat to your child safety.


Emotion destroys intelligence, remember those words!! Say them over and over, and then you will realize a small change in you!!! Look in the mirror and know that you are a real person!! Say no to drugs and alcohol, focus on yourself! Learn compassion and love yourself deep within you, if she is normal she will be attracted to the love that you have for yourself. She will never be able to take that love away from you. You will have boundaries!!! You will have empathy for her and know this feeling, if you will become stronger. I hope this makes sense, it is very hard. Look for healthy strong people who build your well.


She is the narcissist.

Sorry to bear that bad news, they is very little you can do.

I have a similar situation and all I care about is my daughter’s well being now, but it’s not easy.

Suggest you read everything you can about narcissiam. You will see how all the behaviours you have described are because of her narcissism. I would make the prediction that she did not ‘get’ this from her ex’s and they likely suffered in that way you have been.

Good luck, look after yourself.


This guy Dominic always put his girlfriend first the friendship was so one sided because he was in a serious relationship he put little to no effort into the friendship he’s either a toxic friend or a bad friend either way I’m not friends with him anymore I feel sorry for anyone whose still friends with him it’s not really a good thing that he did that it’s not a good thing at all I’m hoping that he might actually change if there is any chance he will I’ll consider giving him a second chance if not then nope


I just think it is hard to meet people and it isnt like in the times when our grandparents met and they actually knew the family of the erson they were interested in.They knew the weird families who had a quirky uncle that lived there or whatever. Now you meet someone at work or church or online and it could be one of Manson’s children- I heard he had a lot of children. But question is- how do you get to know someone.
A guy (or a woman) can pretend to be someone- to be anyone you want. I met someone like that. He was like a chameleon- he changed and became a person I would want to have a future with. But his family were poor- they didnt ever meet with him- they all lived on the east coast and he had moved to the west. By the time I met them (deep sigh) this is a nightmare- they were awful, terrible. I am not saying my family were perfect- no but they were educated and mentally stable and lived in decent homes- beautiful homes. They aspired to be something. My brother was born with the cord around his neck and his sppeech was affected- He was intellegent but because of his speech my mother sent him to a special school. I supposed we were brought up to not even think of him until he came home and we were so estranged not bonded aith him at all. So thats the worst thing that happened in our faily.But in my husbands family. It was very hard to not feel deep sorrow for him- His mum died a week after his baby brther was born.His father gave all his siblings up to the state- he was in a series of awful foster homes- he never bonded with anyone- but I did not realize that until years later when I was watching a program on Romanian babies and their inability to form any connections. But what he could do was mimic- he would mimic sadness and if he felt me growing distant when we dated he’d start crying – I arried him so I could mend the huge hole in his soul. Hah! The joke was on me. Anything that came remotely near him was like a great black holee- he absorbed all the love and attention and pity. He gave back nothing- no light- nothing. I had two children with him and while liked having a ‘picture perfect family’ he never once was able to bond with them- he gave them money- he would sit up at night with them when they were teething but no real deep connection.
His family were all messed up- His brother an alcoholic- his sisters strange- Honestly had I met them when we dated-I would have not married him.Please to anyone reading this and dating please visit the family and please if they are odd DO NOT CONTINUE dating these type of people. I have only experienced complete unhappiness with him. He was an alcoholic- he drained all our resources- he could not give back any love or company- he actally after we married could not bear to touch or be touched apart from some drunken sex (on his part)
still feel sorrow for him and his early life that life created this empty shell of a human.


You will regret it, some day you will look and thank your stars you are not with him!!!


During 2019 my boyfriend/partner had some health problems. Needed a hip replacement. Then on March 17 my sister became deathly ill. She was in Hospital & rehab for 3 months. I only left her 7 nights. She went from 20% chance of survival to 50 – 50 with surgery. To coming home to my house with hospital bed in my room. In this time frame bf had 2 gallbladder issues I cared for him through. Finally it’s mid September & everyone is doing SO much better. I finally have some time for myself. POOF I find out he has been seeing an old girlfriend. We have been off & on for 31+ years. Raised & buried children. And this MAN couldn’t make it through me helping my sister through a life & death situation???!! He just decided he deserves to be happy. Our whole life out the window.


Some good insights of different personalities. All in all time and age makes people wiser to differentiate between truth and falsehood. The victim will always find a way out. I had been a victim and finally broke my cage to the family I was born in, having had enough. 5 to 7 against one was too much now the same bull can chase them away by saying I’m angry.


I don’t know how to write , but I love my husband a lot. We known each other for 16 years married for 7 years. He has lot of mood swings and about 2 years ago started calling me names , suspecting me for stupid things . Even started hitting me saying I am a bitch. He has issues with his father , he also drinks , also had a meth addiction too . Today he hit me a lot. My puppy almost rescued me . He is a good , smart guy .. I don’t know what to do .


Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1−800−799−7233, 24/7. They will listen to you and not push you into doing anything you don’t want to do.


It will only get worse. If he were good or smart he would not be acting this way. Get Out Get Out Get Out before he really hurts you or kills you.


Please get out now, dont be like me and spend the better part of your life with an abuser, Its sucked my soul out, Iam an empty shell, feel nothing, cant feel joy sorrow anything. He might as well have killed me like he said he was going to do 100 x over. Would make no difference.

Corbin L

You should try to go to some form of counseling to try and resolve it but if he continuously hits you you should consider moving out temporalily


You can still love someone while you are apart. You have to love yourself first. He needs help. YOU are too close to help him and he will listen to qualified people. Get out go to a good friends. If he has isolated you from friends and family due to his own issues, just call them and explain your situation. People do have big hearts and will forgive if you open up. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST>


Take him to an AA meeting!!! Sit with him encourage, support him. You sound like a great girl already, wow, to put with that. Sounds like the puppy is a sign of the Higher Power!!


This is confusing for me because I’m not sure if I was the toxic one. The person said I was left brokenhearted.

I really liked this girl. I thought she felt the same. I would always tell her nice things, write her poems and send her flowers because she seemed a little down at times.

Moving into a sexual relationship was easy and fast with her, but saying I love you was really hard for her. She would never open up & always left me having to guess about things. Then she would get upset whenever I brought it up. Like I was attacking her personally.

It was so frustrating. After awhile she started ignoring me a lot. I missed her and just wanted to talk to her. She would say things like I make her smile all day and her heart flutter one day and the next she’d be cold & mean.

When she finally said I love you it was a big deal for me to hear. After seeing how hard it was for her to say it I thought she meant it. But it seemed like everything was always about her. I didn’t answer my phone or text her back one time because I left my phone at my moms house for a whole day.
She got really upset and I apologized. Later she said maybe she was just having a bad day but she felt like none of the men her life ever time for her.

After that day I made sure nothing like that ever happened again. But she would ignore me, sometimes for days and weeks. She acted like it was no big deal. I tried to tell I feel hurt when she does that. I didn’t know if she was mad at me or if she was ok.

I asked to her stop nicely but she didn’t care. Finally I started getting upset and she said I was toxic. Then she just never talked to me to me again. She blocked me from every way of contacting her. I feel like I ruined things.

She had agreed to marry me and I even bought a ring. She over reacted to a lot of things. Obviously she had been hurt before so I thought she would understand when I tried to tell her I was feeling hurt.

When I finally lost my cool I told her the things she was doing seemed very narcissistic. That was it. She never wanted to talk to me again. I really loved her too.

I’m scared to be with anybody now because I guess maybe I am a bad person.


You are not the bad person in that scenario. She is a narcissist. I was involved with one myself.


Sounds like she is young and a little hormonal. She is a little self centered which means that her love is immature. She may have problems in real relationships until she can really love herself. She does not even see your love is real because she is busy growing up to become a real woman. Thanks for your honesty. You will find true love,you are already on the way. She is not holding you back. Good girl!!!

Not Here

You do not seem a bad person, but one who was taken advantage of emotionally. Strange relationships are part of our learning process to find the right life-partner. Change to suit yourself, not others. If flowers and poetry express who you are, hopefully you will find someone who appreciates that expression and openly returns affection for you. You shouldn’t be subjected to guessing where someone hides their emotional land mines and waits for you to step on them before they react. One as sensitive and loving as you seem may be susceptible to being taken advantage of emotionally. Give your heart carefully and be aware of those who may not feel as strongly as you in a relationship, and you should eventually learn to recognize signs of insincerity. Think positive about yourself – your post does not indicate that you are a bad person at all.


I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.

Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.

Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had – what I heard to be – an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentioned she thought he was an alcoholic, but said they probably would have stayed together if they had had kids (they never did, she didn’t talk about that).

So she had been in her early thirties, divorced and single. She proceeded to go through several relationships, none lasting more than two years (one man she mentioned she had been “almost engaged” to, not sure what that means). She had also been through several jobs in the same field, with different companies.

At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work – which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!

The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.

Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.

We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when she had her door closed and needed to just get her work done on her own, alone, I let her be. Some days she wouldn’t show up to work and I’d text to see if she was ok, she’d tell me she was having “a really bad time” and just needed to be alone.

We saw each other at concerts, where she hung out at intermission with me and my wife. Went to a few company excursions with her, she was friendly with my wife too.

Occasionally, I now realize more clearly, she didn’t treat me as a friend, though. Couple times going out with others from work, she drove me to the venue, and then just left me there without a ride at the end of the evening (once some boyfriend she was all nuts about came and took her away from our group, once she said she just needed to leave, and left me standing there alone in the parking lot calling Uber!). I asked her a couple times if she wanted to join me and my wife for dinner before a concert, and she always said she “didn’t want to be a third wheel.” When my wife and I went on a double-date with her and her then-boyfriend (later fiancee), to a festival (an excessively PDA-filled showing on their part), they just suddenly declared in the middle of the day they were leaving since he didn’t feel well. Another time we went on another double-date with them to dinner and a concert, at the end of the music, they just left without staying a minute to say goodnight. Except for one evening when I invited her (single at the time) to join me and my wife and my parents for a Christmas garden festival and nice dinner, I realize now she never wanted to go out with us unless it was to serve as a double-date for her and a guy! She never invited me out or over to her house.

She shared with me here and there some relatively private details about her life and family (although I now realize she left a lot of details about prior work and relationship life to herself). I used to ask about how she was doing all the time. I really felt more and more that I cared about her. In a purely platonic way, I’m happily married! But I cared and felt sorry for hardships she was going through and wanted (and offered) to help in any way I could.

One notable time I offered her advice I now realize may have been a major mistake. Thing is with Tara, she is very self-assured and confident that whatever she is doing is the right and smart thing to do, no matter what common wisdom says. She had embarked on her newest relationship and after only a few weeks of dating, he had moved into her house, she was planning to buy a baby grand piano to convert her home office into a music room for him, they went ring shopping, and she was planning on quitting her job and moving with him across the country in about a year to live closer to his parents. I only suggested to her that this relationship was moving very fast and she should keep her head on her shoulders – if she was sure it was the right thing, fine, but I was just hoping she wasn’t making rash decisions. (of note, I have kind of made the “instant relationship” mistake myself, and it didn’t turn out well!!). She became quiet – noticeably perturbed at my suggestion to merely think carefully about what she was doing – and tersely told me she had been through many relationships and could easily see that she had found the right man. After just over a month of dating, she knew everything that was bad about him and could live with those things.

On the other hand, I told her about some private health issues I had. And a few months into our “friendship” my wife had a baby, my new son. And she never once asked me about how those things were going, about how I was doing or the baby or my postpartum wife! Not once!

It’s remarkable to think now, but in the months before my son was born, I asked her (at first casually, then with a heartfelt written letter) if she wanted to be the Godmother to my son. She said yes, she was honored.

The major rift happened about a week before my son was born. She had been dating a guy for about 2.5 months and was very content and excited to be in a relationship (the same boyfriend from the double-dates I mentioned). On Monday she was friendly, joking around with me, had a nice chat and walked to the store with me ….

Tuesday morning … not a word. No good morning, no nothing. She shut her office door all morning, seemed very angry when I saw her come out of office in afternoon, I tried to talk to her and she abruptly and rudely cut me off in mid-sentence, closed her door in my face. And she remained like that the next week until I had to leave work for the birth.

I texted her a few times, I was concerned about her very sudden change in behavior. After my son was born, she never texted back. I was reading about depression and noticed her symptoms seemed to match almost entirely (at least from an external view). She finally wrote me a text saying she was overwhelmed and needed some space. Although she said she knew I was trying to be a good friend to her, my periodic checks on how she was doing were increasing her stress, she needed space. I understood. I sent her an emoticon text every week or so to let her know I was there if she needed to talk, but I otherwise kept silent and gave her space all that time.

When I got back to work a few weeks later, I found out from another coworker that after a couple weeks when she was very upset, people had thought she and the new guy had broken up, she came in one morning to announce they were engaged. Other than flashing the ring at me with a smirk over her shoulder, she never mentioned it to me.

Continued silence from her. A few weeks later I wrote to her, congratulated her again, but said I hoped we could clear the air between us. I said I had valued our friendship, and hoped we could resume more cordial interactions, if only for workplace harmony. She eventually replied, again stating that she was an introvert and my interactions with her were making coming to work difficult. My “constant need for attention from her” were “very draining.”

Brief list of possible reasons for all this:
1- self-centered, borderline/narcissistic personality disorder(s)
2 – insecurity/desperation being single for so long
3 – involuntary/circumstantial childlessness
4 – jealous/controlling boyfriend/fiance

I’m curious your thoughts on this painful/confusing situation.



I think she developed feelings for you and wanted more and was hurting.
I think when you had a wife it seemed she had to distant herself from further hurt.I am guessin,g as she seemed to be developing feelings for you that there was no point in telling you about her feelings? and as she was working in the same company, there was no escape. I don’t think she wanted to not have you around but when she started having feelings- The only thing she could do was to distance herself. I imagine the reasons she had the foursomes with you was to show she wasn’t in love with you. These are just the feelings I get from reading your posting.


You are trying to entice her for an emotional affair. You are married!! It took you at least three paragraphs, to tell the reader you were married. If you need to talk to someone to tell them you are a great listener. Be a kind ear, answer them, only when they ask for your opinion!!! You sound so nice, I wish you were there for me, when I was depressed, and lonely when you are married I would have felt very comfortable too! Wow. Keep an open mind of course.


Great article. I got out of a relationship this year. He started off fast and furious. I can’t say I was flattered at the start but he’d had a long term marriage and seemed kind on the surface. He is unusual in that he spent hours talking on the phone in the beginnng You know how most guys will text you- no Tim would talk and talk. He fancied himself as a player- Said he had been scouted out for the Patriots but had an injury in training. He had so much baggage. Nothing that would fit in an overhead bin (that’s for sure) Tim Fox from San Diego. He started to lose weight and even though he drinks and smokes cigars (cough cough) which is such a contradiction to good health (in my opinion) I never felt I could date a guy who has such huge mother issues.In fact my mother always said ” Don’t date a man who doesn’t get on well with his mother” Having said that- there are men who adore their mothers and aren’t good relationship material either. He comes on so strongl. I really liked him initially- comes across as being a big bear of a man kind and spends time listening.You wo’nt find a better listener( at the beginning) He is in therapy and yet he is severely in need of intensive therapy as a relationship with him has to be all about giving him positive affirmations. In other words it’s a lot of hard work and then POOF!!! he gets cold feet- he is a non finisher- Don’t waste your time with him.


Have been dealing with a manipulative so called “best friend” for over a decade.ive known her since highschool.Im convinced now that she is a covert narcissist.My loyalty and kindness was taken for weakness.Shes type 1,2,3,4,6,9 and 10 .Its mental abuse plain and simple. Her speciality was a method called “evading” and “gaslighting” and i was practically never allowed to bring up any wrongdoing on her behalf.if she wasnt rudely cutting the convo off before it began she would flip it to make me feel like some horrible “friend”.2 days ago i cut her off completely from all social platforms .the thing is we share 1 mutual close friend .She introduced him to me & we’re dating.The closer he and i got the more her true colors showed.i think.it was okay for me to associate with him as long as i was still there at her every becking call.part of the last straw was because she introduced us and we connected she feels entilted.she would pick fights to assert her authority.it was as if i was in her debt and had to pay her with my privacy and peace.in typical controlling fashion she began stalking my activity online with him like some jealous ex lover.if i didnt respond quick enough id get a message ” so your talkin to —– and not me” or she’d needle me to get me to explode and then act like im just crazy.i always felt like i had to explain myself and make sure i didnt piss her off its crazy.She crossed bounds and constantly interjected herself into me and my boyfriends relationship.i had no respect of privacy.Why?Control and Manipulation. to make me feel at fault for some non existing issue.im convinced she hated the attention shift bewteen her friend(my current boyfriend) .suddenly he and i was connecting and it wasnt all about her.they were not romantically envolved but with narcissist they hate to see you happy.Right after i cut her off, on cue she began using my boyfriend because they are friends , to “hoover” me.She has a talent for playing the victim well.she sent a message through him tryin to convince me that i simply imagined the whole ordeal and disrespect that followed and how she was just “joking” and it was me who overreacted.typical gaslighting.im standing my ground.No more head games.shes doing her best to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and tryin to convince him im this horrible person who just shut her out for no reason.Choosing to be the bigger person i cut her off with respect .knowing damn well i never wouldve been given the same courtesy.i also believe shes mad i cut her off before she could do it to me.its a power thing as always with manipulative people.
She also used the “hot and cold” method to guilt me for years.With people like her they’re never the problem.


Go on google, and look up where people manipulate and belittle you. You will have to learn boundaries to come into your life. You are playing a part to enable her behaviour. Sounds like you are having a blast at your boyfriends and her expense thumbs up girl, you definitely have the upper hand. Have fun. Don’t drink too much, be on your best behaviour meet good people who build you up, you are very smart and keep having fun!!!


hi read all of article and comments at end of day we are all responsible for own actions and if things arent working .best to move on .not always easy .and im no youngster .been through life and on 3rd marriage lost my elder son nearly 6 years ago .but always been the giver listener supporter but when i lost my son who was there for me friends disappeared and husband had had an accident which overshadowed sons death but he is able to work and is able to do things my son hasnt got that choice. whether you call this toxic or not even i dont know answer to that but i think it is way people are now no time for anything but what they want and other peoples needs are not considered .just really selfish people in selfish world


Let go so she can heal .she has to loose something she loves..it comes from trauma..I was this girl…my bf left me after …I cried a river for a year..it healed me from past traumas and I’m taking my PTSD medication …and therapy…she will be ok..but it takes a strong guy to do this….I came from a 20 year bad marriage n relationships…I don’t know if u believe in Jesus..but it’s the only way…whatever’s in..gotta come out but not on ur expense…it’s dark energy…after healing..then comes realization …only then…it’s that deep but can be done..u can’t give in till the process is done..it may take a year or more…good luck n it works .I’m better:)


toxic family

I have plans for the future, and I’m fighting really hard for it. but nobody supports me, not even my family and parents. they don’t believe in my abilities, they always look down on me. every day i talk about my wish for the future, they always say “you’re too stupid for that”


Me and my ex were together almost a year we were in a long distance relationship
He’s working in China and I visited him in his birthday which was COVID getting worse in China I asked him that maybe we could meet in other countries instead he said he couldn’t because he didn’t like traveling alone and I was okay to visited him instead. since we knew each other he started ask my help with everything because he can’t speak any Chinese and I accepted that . we were friends at first and we were a same person in so many way so we decided to be in a relationship. We were talking about future and plans so many things we save money for our future .when we are in a relationship he promised me so many things that only one simple thing he couldn’t make it . he’s a guy who blamed himself most time that he’s not perfect and I’m a girl who supports him and give him all the confidence he is happy that I helped but after that he said I control his life so much he couldn’t be himself but at first he said he was happy that I helped him etc . After that he asked my help more and more at first I thought my help would help him to get things better because I told him if he didn’t know to do things I will teach him and I wasn’t available to help him all the time I started help him like 6 months but all those things is about his work not mine at all . I was trying to be patient sometimes I wasn’t okay that he treats me like this because he forced me to do things that I didn’t want to which I wasn’t happy at all . One day I had my exam but first message I got from him was “ I NEED YOUR HELP “ I was very happy to see his message but message I got from him was he only need help from me and he asked my help 4 things in that day like help him to ordered new phone , ordered his food drink , and also ordered his new charger which not my business at all he got angry to me so much and yelling at me when I started questions and asked him why didn’t he try to do it by himself he blamed me with so many things and after all I helped him he got his things he said thanks and after that he said He was tired and need to sleep . I was so so sad that time . And one day I had problem I asked his helped which is just asked him to send our pictures that we took and he sent at first but not all after that i asked him to sent me other pictures after that he also extremely angry to me he said he were eating and he stopped because of me and his food would be cold because he stopped eat and sent me pictures that time I was crying so much I just don’t understand why ? In my head was all about questions. He asked my helps I never ever got angry to him I’m happy to help him with so many things I’m happy to see my boyfriend happy. And in the opposite he was not happy at all when I asked him help and only sent me a pictures . At very first we talked till midnight but since the day I couldn’t help him much and he can do things by himself he told me that he is working hard everyday and he better to sleep early he go to bed at 8pm every day even on weekends sometimes I feel not so happy because I think that he’s changing lots he used to sleep very late like 3 am in the morning I knew him well . But since he said that to me I accepted his decisions. Since June till September I had health problems I told him he seems to worried about me but last month I told him that I got throat cancer and I also said I’m so scared maybe I might die . One thing I got from him from his mouth was : he said if I think that I really to die can I send his money that we save up together back to him ? I was shocked and very mad at him I asked him back that he care his money more me ? He said he care everything not only one thing and he said if I die he wouldn’t get his money back . Since that day my health got worse and I sent his money back after he got his money back he changed he didn’t care about me he only wanted to argue and say things that Make me angry . Before we broke up we had a conversations and I didn’t finish talking he said he need his time and say goodnight to me even that time it was 5pm I got angry to him so so bad and asked him what was wrong to him ? He just said he need time and he didn’t want to talk to me and I got angry to him so bad and he asked me if I mad at him I said no after that I feel okay and I told him that It wasn’t okay that he do this to me and yes I was mad to him because i felt like he didn’t want to talk to me at all even I didn’t finished talking he said I lied to him and he will never forgive me and will never ever trust me again . When a person who mad do they tell others that they are. I just don’t understand . Like he gave me hope and promised me so many things and one day he told me that he is changing his mind and I asked him all the things he promised me was lies ? He said changing mind wasn’t a lie but I think just an excuse how could a person want to be together can change his mind within one month after all we broke up and he called me lied .


for me it’s different my friend kept worshipping other friend he is this he is that, made me super angry and upset, he never used to care about me every time I used to say something he used to take it as a joke now I blocked him, I did him a favor of bidding him well now I m feeling happy and calm really, I feel as if my mind and spirit is at peace this was last chance he wanted to prank me, he pranked me in past and he worships my other friend whose name starts with s like god like not as a man but as a god every time he is cool he is great he very awesome, whenever I was around others he used to make me feel belittle in front of them so yes I blocked him from every place, he was good in high school later he became toxic to me, So I m upset and angry i blocked him not returning any phone calls or messages no it’s not revenge, If he think it’s revenge it is for him only.


I’ve been in a friendship for 9 years with someone who only recently became toxic, such as in the last few years. We aren’t together nor have ever been in a relationship as she’s always seen me as a friend. Lately or the past year, we’ve had more than a few fights, taken breaks then gone back to being friends. We play video games online together and I always try my best to do what I’m told to do otherwise it makes her pissed off and then she’ll blame it on me if I say she’s overreacting and its just a game. Game audio is typically high so I don’t hear her that much. She blames me for her mistakes, ie always expects me to apologize for her behaivour, never or rarely says “hey this was my fault, I’m sorry.” I rant a lot about my life to her and she used to be or is very trusting and she does the same though not as much as me. I try and be there for her to support her in things and in most cases its just a “I’m good thankyou”. She seems to be a mix of the manipluator and the abusive one. Like if I made the slightest mistake say not doing or trying hard enough in a video game and her getting annoyed at me for it and myself telling to stop overreacting which if I do tell her that by accident because I’ve had to become cautious of what happens, she’ll stop speaking to me for like a week and then expect me to apologise for my mishap as her excuse. Right now I’ve just said to her not ready to be friends, more along the lines of Aquaintances. I’m 18 and she’s 19, she does have short fuse but my other “friend” who has been trying to hit on her since I introduced them together, always takes her sides and never sees or understands my POV so I’m not sure what to do. I took a 12 days ignoring them both to figure out things in my head. Even with the screenshots and my explanation on thigns that happened, he always takes her side no matter what. They seem to be awfully close to someone who only known her since Feburary this year. Any advice would be great because if I tell her that I think she’s being abusive, she’ll attack me and say I am because I never listen to her, dont support her, and always talk about myself when clearly that’s not trye and then if she goes to her friend my friend that I introduced her to, he’ll side with her just to be and get in with her.


I need serious advice. Ive been divorced for 13 years. My ex wont let it go. Hes remarried now but while my kids were young he tried everything he could to have me seen as an unfit parent. False accusations, lies to the court, you name it, he did it. Now my kids are 18, one is disabled and im his legal guardian, which he also fought. He has now gone to contacting adult protective services trying to convince them that my son is not being cared for properly. Im afraid that hes never going to let this go. I don’t know what if anything i can do to stop him from continuing to destroy me and beat me down. Please help.


Thank you very much for this very concise and clear article it really helped pin point what I was feeling.

The problem I am finding these days is so many friendships end up with some kind of toxicity these days. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but these traits you’ve listed here I’m finding a lot of—particularly the controller, the taker and manipulator and the abuser.

It is actually at the point where I wonder if it’s just human nature and most friendships run their course. Either that or it’s just that I always seem to eventually mess up friendships.

Im seeing more and more that people rather try and change you or manipulate you rather than change themselves and as I get older I have less openness or tolerance to that particular trait.

I spent a couple years deciding not to let people walk over me and now I have a lot of friendships that have gone away. That is sad but at the same time I don’t want to be around those people. I’m sure a lot of people go through this though because as we get older it’s harder to find people don’t want to be vulnerable by making new friends anymore.

Thanks for the article it does give me some peace.


I was told i was “toxi” twice in my five year realitionship. The first time was about three years ago when we broke up, and basically said I’m all these things on here that says in the definition of “toxic * says on here,we got back together and about three on so months later i went and got her a 3 and1/2 Diamond engagement ring and band set. Things were good for a little less that a year then i had to go off to basic training for a month correctional officer. She really was over this i had to on Sunday nights and check in stay till Friday then go home then repeat three mor weeks well that first week i enjoyed being there never went to college and this was as close as id ever get on the other she was loosing it after the second day and making it horrible calling all the time i could not on in classes so we could not Communicate Until around 12 when we should launch and then when I finish class between 3 to 4 hours later. So then sometimes after class me in some of the people from the class we go out and have a couple drinks she couldn’t stand that and just assumed that I would be out flirting with other women and having relations with them Which was Not happening at all So When it came time for me to go home for the weekend I did but when I went to the door and put my key in and turned it the locks have been changed So I went down to her cousin’s house which wasn’t too far away and stayed there for the night. Without going into any further detail I never went back to that house the whole time I was in school And told her That we were done. There is more to the story but I don’t know if anyone is even gonna read this or not 4/30/19 This is the 1st time I’ve ever put anything Like this on any blog or whatever this is before we Recently broke up again and one other time Prior to this And I was the one who made the decision to break up these times This time was the decision that she name and im confused Just seening what otherpeople have to say.


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The need to feel connected to, and seen by our people is instinctive. 

THE FIX: Add in micro-connections to let them feel you seeing them, loving them, connecting with them, enjoying them:

‘I love being your mum.’
‘I love being your dad.’
‘I missed you today.’
‘I can’t wait to hang out with you at bedtime 
and read a story together.’

Or smiling at them, playing with them, 
sharing something funny, noticing something about them, ‘remembering when...’ with them.

And our adult loves need the same, as we need the same from them.♥️
Our kids need the same thing we do: to feel safe and loved through all feelings not just the convenient ones.

Gosh it’s hard though. I’ve never lost my (thinking) mind as much at anyone as I have with the people I love most in this world.

We’re human, not bricks, and even though we’re parents we still feel it big sometimes. Sometimes these feelings make it hard for us to be the people we want to be for our loves.

That’s the truth of it, and that’s the duality of being a parent. We love and we fury. We want to connect and we want to pull away. We hold it all together and sometimes we can’t.

None of this is about perfection. It’s about being human, and the best humans feel, argue, fight, reconnect, own our ‘stuff’. We keep working on growing and being more of our everythingness, just in kinder ways.

If we get it wrong, which we will, that’s okay. What’s important is the repair - as soon as we can and not selling it as their fault. Our reaction is our responsibility, not theirs. This might sound like, ‘I’m really sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we try again?’

Of course, none of this means ‘no boundaries’. What it means is adding warmth to the boundary. One without the other will feel unsafe - for them, us, and others.

This means making sure that we’ve claimed responsibility- the ability to respond to what’s happening. It doesn’t mean blame. It means recognising that when a young person is feeling big, they don’t have the resources to lead out of the turmoil, so we have to lead them out - not push them out.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, shift the focus to what we can do to bring felt safety and calm back into the space.

THEN when they’re calm talk about what’s happened, the repair, and what to do next time.

Discipline means ‘to teach’, not to punish. They will learn best when they are connected to you. Maybe there is a need for consequences, but these must be about repair and restoration. Punishment is pointless, harmful, and outdated.

Hold the boundary, add warmth. Don’t ask them to do WHEN they can’t do. Wait until they can hear you and work on what’s needed. There’s no hurry.♥️
Recently I chatted with @rebeccasparrow72 , host of ABC Listen’s brilliant podcast, ‘Parental as Anything: Teens’. I loved this chat. Bec asked all the questions that let us crack the topic right open. Our conversation was in response to a listener’s question, that I expect will be familiar to many parents in many homes. Have a listen here:
School refusal is escalating. Something that’s troubling me is the use of the word ‘school can’t’ when talking about kids.

Stay with me.

First, let’s be clear: school refusal isn’t about won’t. It’s about can’t. Not truly can’t but felt can’t. It’s about anxiety making school feel so unsafe for a child, avoidance feels like the only option.

Here’s the problem. Language is powerful, and when we put ‘can’t’ onto a child, it tells a deficiency story about the child.

But school refusal isn’t about the child.
It’s about the environment not feeling safe enough right now, or separation from a parent not feeling safe enough right now. The ‘can’t’ isn’t about the child. It’s about an environment that can’t support the need for felt safety - yet.

This can happen in even the most loving, supportive schools. All schools are full of anxiety triggers. They need to be because anything new, hard, brave, growthful will always come with potential threats - maybe failure, judgement, shame. Even if these are so unlikely, the brain won’t care. All it will read is ‘danger’.

Of course sometimes school actually isn’t safe. Maybe peer relationships are tricky. Maybe teachers are shouty and still using outdated ways to manage behaviour. Maybe sensory needs aren’t met.

Most of the time though it’s not actual threat but ’felt threat’.

The deficiency isn’t with the child. It’s with the environment. The question isn’t how do we get rid of their anxiety. It’s how do we make the environment feel safe enough so they can feel supported enough to handle the discomfort of their anxiety.

We can throw all the resources we want at the child, but:

- if the parent doesn’t believe the child is safe enough, cared for enough, capable enough; or

- if school can’t provide enough felt safety for the child (sensory accommodations, safe peer relationships, at least one predictable adult the child feels safe with and cared for by),

that child will not feel safe enough.

To help kids feel safe and happy at school, we have to recognise that it’s the environment that needs changing, not the child. This doesn’t mean the environment is wrong. It’s about making it feel more right for this child.♥️
Such a beautiful 60 second wrap of my night with parents and carers in Hastings, New Zealand talking about building courage and resilience in young people. Because that’s how courage happens - it builds, little bit by little bit, and never feeling like ‘brave’ but as anxiety. Thank you @healhealthandwellbeing for bringing us together happen.♥️


Original post by @healhealthandwellbeing:
🌟 Thank You for Your Support! 🌟

A huge thank you to everyone who joined us for the "Building Courage and Resilience" talk with the amazing  Karen Young - Hey Sigmund. Your support for Heal, our new charity focused on community health and wellbeing, means the world to us!

It was incredible to see so many of you come together while at the same time being able to support this cause and help us build a stronger, more resilient community.

A special shoutout to Anna Catley from Anna Cudby Videography for creating some fantastic footage Your work has captured the essence of this event perfectly ! To the team Toitoi - Hawke's Bay Arts & Events Centre thank you for always making things so easy ❤️ 

Follow @healhealthandwellbeing for updates and news of events. Much more to come!

#Heal #CommunityHealth #CourageAndResilience #KarenYoung #ThankYou

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