The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once.
You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity – the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t.
If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more.
I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am.
I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do.
I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people, relationships and lives outside of his.
What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are powerless. I know that.
Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming.
Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction, we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us.
The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course, resistance.
Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their will tested, it’s not for them to judge.
The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing, rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being human.
When Someone You Love is an Addict.
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You’re dealing with someone different now.
When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way back to you.
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Don’t expect them to be on your logic.
When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction. It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic.
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When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop.
Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain, that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open up to a different option.
Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change.
When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option. Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction.
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There’s a different way to love an addict.
When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction, not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe.
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Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you.
If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you.
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You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying.
The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think, the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this, but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs.
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See the reality.
When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting – anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the feeling, however faint, that something isn’t right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our minds are willing to listen.
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Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive.
When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict – these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive.
Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the addiction.
Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is, but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision.
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Don’t buy into their view of themselves.
Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay, but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong.
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When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better.
The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness. They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re doing won’t work any more.
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You and self-love. It’s a necessity.
In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged – emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone.
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What are you getting out of it?
This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.
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What changes do you need to make in your own life?
Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life. You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself.
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Don’t blame the addict.
The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit.
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Be patient.
Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too. Don’t see a backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all part of the process.
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Sometimes the only choice is to let go.
Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply, might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different. This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only place for it to be.
And finally …
Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is as much for you as it is for them.
My boyfriend of 4 years, soon to be ex, is an alcoholic. He has been through detox and drank again and drinks neat vodka every opportunity he gets. I have been through everything with him to try and make him stop including locking him in the house. After everything we have been through over the last few years, I have decided I cant bear it anymore and we are splitting up. After not working for 4 months he has just got sober enough to go back to work, he is a very talented artist and has been given an amazing opportunity to work at a great studio. He has only managed to go in 5 days out of 2 weeks so far and is still drinking at every chance. I have asked him to move out which he has said he will but done anything about it. What is the worst is watching this incredibly talented and good person destroy themselves with alcohol. He has so much going for him, but i think he will move out and loose this job and end up on the streets as an alcoholic. It tears me apart so much to watch him do this to himself, I don’t know how to cope with seeing him continually destroy himself.
Hi Becky,
I’ve just read your comment and your situations reminds me of my own. I’m also a Rebecca but I am hundreds of miles away. I just thought I’d check in to see how you are?
My partner is an alchoholic and was doing well managing his life and his drinking for a while but this week he has completely spiralled out of control again and as much as I love him I think it’s time to stop enabling him. I know that if he moves out he will lose his job and end up on the streets (this has happened before but I took him back) and even though I know it’s not my fault, I still feel laden with guilt and can’t bring myself to follow through. I just put up with his behaviour even though it’s wearing me down and I feel exhausted from it all.
So much great information all in one article! It is so refreshing to be reminded that I’m not crazy and that I am not alone in this journey. My 23 year old son has been a drug addict for 10 years. We have done it all, and then some! Today he is in jail, facing a long road of incarceration. For that we are thankful because it means that he is still alive.
Thanks my name is josh and someone I love very much is addicted to pain killers and I’m so lost about what to do this helped me a lot
It’s heartbreaking when someone you love has an addiction that is hurting them. I wish you could live someone out of an addiction but you can’t. It is their growth and they are the only ones who can put things right for themselves.
I just read and reread all these messages.
My name is irrelevant.
In the past three weeks my partner has asked me to leave our (joint)home as she could not put up with my compulsive lies anymore.
17 years, a half paid home and three kids (15, 12 & 9) removed from my “normality” and it’s taken me to lose this to face my demons.
Since I’ve been thrown out I’ve contacted the previously disregarded councilling services and after just two sessions realise what I’ve been told a million times from my partner – I am a cannabis addict and at the moment I’ve been given great support networks to contact to help me face and overcome my addiction. I know I will do this for the sake of my childrenand for the chance to be a positive influence in their lives.
I can’t come to terms with losing the love of my life. The blame is eating me up from the inside and I am currently in a psychological living hell.
The way I treated her is appalling and I have no grounds for even trying to salvage the relationship and the hardest part is knowing the only true love I can offer back is by being as supporting as I can to her needs to move on and be happy. I’ve made her life hell and in some sick perverse way feel like I deserve the pain for inflicting such misery on the love of my life.
I can’t believe I’ve lost her, I can’t believe I’ve done this too her.
Thanks for sharing this, I found it most insightful. I recently fell for someone and then too late discovered he is an addict. He’s now in rehab and I have offered support as someone who has been through recovery (I have a spending addiction where his is drugs and alcohol) but I know about the 12 steps and I know about addiction behaviour and the addiction cycle. I have just been hurt because he reached out to someone else to try get them visitation rights and not to me. Sometimes though I see that people shut out those that really care about them or that they really care about because they are embarressed for those people to see them at their worst. Advice would be appreciated. I refuse to enable the behaviour so I have offered support when he is out. But still hurt he never tried to contact me.
Ms. Karen, it was indeed very sad to read about the situation you were put through. You honestly mentioned here how you could not show any empathy for this particular person, after a certain point of time. This is the harsh truth that everyone should realize, that it becomes difficult to love a person who is an addict, year after year, and that this is in no way make them a bad person. I particularly want to stress upon the point that, it is necessary to allow the person to bear a brunt of his/her addiction. Certain boundaries need to be set up, to make the person realize that you are supportive, but only till a point that it helps them to get rid of the addiction. Under no circumstance, should that person be allowed to use your empathy to their advantage.
Reading this was an answer to prayer. It has been such a hard day. I have an adult daughter addicted to drugs. Today I’ve been so sad, depressed, felt like I’m not going to make it through this. I asked God to please help me. I need help now. I acccidently found this article, and know it was an answer prayer. He is a good God.
Thank you for your article. I’ve been struggling with loving a husband with a sex addiction for the last 18 years. The lies, manipulations, and secretiveness have severely damaged me in ways I never even realize. I’ve spent so many years enabling him thinking I was helping him. Everything you said rang true for both of us. After many attempts of getting myself out of the relationship, only to be dragged back by his pleas and my guilt, I have walked away with a clear understanding of what I need, deserve, and want in a relationship. You were so right in that I couldn’t change until it hurt more not to change. But I also still struggle with feelings of love for him. Which is how I found your article. Thank you so much for helping me to reframe my situation. I just didn’t think I would feel this much grief for a man that has hurt me for so long.
I have been with my ex for 3 years. I have known him for 4. He is 20 and I’m 18. I have always been there for him and put my complete and utter trust in him. He has always put himself around the wrong group of friends. They all took pills and did drugs. He always told me that he never did any hard drugs, just smoked marijuana. I trusted him because he was my partner. Recently his very best friend died from mixing pills and alcohol. His heart stopped. I was at school and work while his friend was in the hospital in a medical induced coma. I only visited on the third day when he was pronounced brain dead. He told me that he needed my utter most support and I told him it was hard for me because they shouldn’t have been doing those kinds of things. He broke up with me for good because I wasn’t there at the hospital in the time he needed me the most. I had school and work and I told him if he needed me there then to call and I’d be right there. He replied with an okay, so I felt more pushed away than needed. So right after he broke up with me 4 people confirmed to me that he had been taking pills frequently and has done other forms of drugs. He had been mean to me and I had noticed personality changed months before. I still trusted him though. Every couple of days I would message him and ask how he’s been bacuse his best friend did die and I still loved him. He never replied to any of my texts and made it clear it was over. I feel betrayed that he was using drugs and lying to me. I blocked him from all social media and have not made anymore contact. Will he ever realize I only wanted what was best for him and to care for him? Please help me. I love him so much.
First of all thank you for sharing this.
I have been married for 17 years but for the 7 or 8 years it has been hard my husband and I are alcoholics but I have stopped drinking for 3 years now and it took me basically took my body shutting down and dying and having the doctor come in and say we brought you back along with seeing what my family and friends went through because of it to realize I need to stop. They finally meant more to me than the alcohol. But my husband still drinks. All though he does work as soon as he is off he is totally drunk within an hour and if it’s a Friday he will stay that way pretty much all weekend only to drink pass out wake back up and do it all over again until late Sunday night. He said time and time again he will quit soon but it never happens. I have distanced myself from him some what I sleep in another bedroom and have for 3 years now. At first I felt sorry for him tried to help but it never did. Then I went through a time of sadness and sorrow for him but now I am just very angry and hateful and I am mean when he is drunk. I can’t seem to help it. And I don’t want to be this way it’s not the true me. I get so angry when he had been on-call at work because he will stay sober. But the minute he’s off it’s right back to being drunk. Even when he’s told me it’s going to stop he can’t do it anymore. And that he wants to sleep in the same room with him again. I have even stopped going anywhere with him because of it. No camping, go to friends and families parties. Anything! I think 1 thing that really angers me is he doesn’t even try. I told him he can see his doctor and get medicine to help, I’ll go to counseling with him etc.. But nothing changes he says he loves me but I just don’t see it. I’ve told him that I have thought about leaving but I don’t because I don’t want to burden anyone else. And financially I can’t do it on my own. So what can I do I’m so tired of this battle. I just want the man I married back.
Hi Chantal!
I’m a recovering addict myself. And there are things that you should know, and I would really like to help you out. The substance is just a channel for the disease of addiction to manifest it self, not the disease itself (I’m an addict therefore I used, not the other way around) Addicts can be addicted to people, places, activities, circumstances, feelings and emotions. Not just the drinking or the drugging.
1. You need to find an NA meeting in your area as soon as possible you can find that info online. Stopping the substance will not restore sanity and a manageable, healthy lifestyle.
2. Get yourself a sponsor. There a lot of wounds which need to be healed before you can influence or attract others into recovery as well, hence your spouse in this matter. Love yourself first in order for you to he able to love someone else.
3. Have faith and believe in your recovery because it does give you uncountable gifts and a healthy marriage can be one of those amazing gifts. Remember that every process is different, you stopped the substance of alcohol which means there is also hope for your spouse.
4. Be patient it takes time, our addiction didn’t occur overnight neither our recovery. Remember that the disease of addiction can be arrested or controlled like diabetes or hypertension. We have a program and we follow it as best as we can but it will not “cure” addiction.
These have been the suggestions I’ve given to new comers and I really hope it serves you well. Serenity+Courage+Wisdom I wish you many happy 24hrs to come!
Hi. I dated a cocaine addict for over 2 years. He is a 55 year old man. He told me he would “quit” by the end of March 2018 (I knew this was not reality) and then on April 7 he dumped me. He told me he is “just not feeling it anymore, was in love with me but now is not and has not been for a while but didnot want to hurt my feelings.” Wanted to know if we could “still be friends.” I was shocked. All of this
Thanks for your article and also publishing the reply from the addict and his point on communication. I have been dating an addict for 15 months. He has been in rehab clean for a bit than repapsed over Xmas for 2 months. Clean up than relapsed again in may. Went to jail for 6 weeks as a result of trying to again more crack. He came out of jail clean started sober living was great for 3 months than just relapsed again for a week and got kicked out of sober living. I have been lied to, stole from, begged for money, used my vehicles, lived off me for 8 months I loaned him money and he owes me a lot. He is a wonderful man when he is sober but it is horrible when he has used. I am at the breaking point. How many chances do you give and when do I come first. I have enabled for sure and feel like giving up on him but that feels wrong and you don’t do that to someone you love.
How do you know if he will really stay clean.
I have never had any experience with addicts or addition and I have to say I was totally nieve and will never be involved with an addict again
Although the person I love is a gambling addict – you have spoken many of the same feelings I share, especially the level of conflict I feel around not giving up on someone you love.
Like you, I have reached my breaking point and have continued to ask myself how many chances do you give someone? Even if he does get clean (and stay clean), this battle with addiction will be in your lives forever. It never entirely goes away.
I have finally made the decision to remove myself from the toxicity, because I also feel like I will never come first in the relationship and I deserve more than that. He has torn at the seams of my soul, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed and destroyed my ability to trust him. There’s no coming back from that, regardless of how much you love someone.
I really hope you find the strength to recognise your own worth and know that love doesn’t conquer all. Walk away and seek happiness in your own life, I promise you the weight you will feel lifted is entirely worth it.
The hardest thing to deal with is my son’s threats of suicide that hold us all hostage and keep some family members enabling his addiction. How can a situation like this be dealt with?
There is no easy way to deal with this. Your family members have taught your son that his threats of suicide will get him whatever it is they are giving him to enable his addiction. Having said that though, the threat of suicide is a powerful one and there is will always be the ‘what-ifs’ that are part of the manipulation that can hold a family hostage. This is your son’s growth, and nobody else is responsible for his choices. Your son needs outside support, but he won’t get this until he has felt enough pain. As long as his addiction is being enabled, it will be more unlikely that he will get the support he needs to heal.
Hi Karen,
I always read your comments and I am always impressed by your wisdom. This is the first time that I fully do not agree with you, when you say: Your son needs outside support, but he won’t get this until he has felt enough pain.
I have been working with opioid dependent patients for over 2 decades. Most of these individuals are trying to self-medicate emotional pain; they already live in intense distress. When someone threatens suicide, we should not take it as manipulation, but a desperate cry for help.
Drug rehabs, often treat the addiction and forget to see the human behind it. These individuals are not seen or heard. They feel lonely, scared and misunderstood.
I am not undermining the difficulty of this mothers positions. There is nothing more difficult then to see your child in a daily Russian roulette and not being able to help.
There is no exact solution, but I have seen a total response reversal when the appropriate help is found. When the fear or withdrawal is overcome by a humane and effective detoxification, when physical cravings are medically managed and when a mental care professional is able to access and individually treat the source of emotional pain.
By no means this is an easy or quick process, but it is one that can be very gratifying throughout when the right road is found. I wish this mom and all the ones out there a tremendous amount of strength and hope, because there can be a solution.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years and it isn’t until recently (the last year or so) that it has come to light about his “recreational” use of cocaine. Be on nights out; but this is becoming a weekly habit that he will not admit. His behaviour has changed to a state where neither I nor his family recognise him nor like him for what he has become. He is selfish, lacks all empathy, is manipulative and is paranoid that I and his family “speak about him” and to “stop being worried” as it “isn’t an addiction”. I personally think he wants to brush the reality under the carpet and doesn’t want anyone to know what his problem is.
He has recently moved out of our home together but insists we stay friends as he will eventually clean his act up.
Hopelessly in love with the person I know is in there somewhere I have clung on for months, seeing him, going out for meals, the niceties, but his behaviour still has not changed nor does he see any wrong in the way he speaks disrespectivly to me or his actions. His parents have become ill from the worry of his actions (not coming in from nights out until 7-8am) as they can now see it for themselves and any confrontation is working. I know his “habit” is not as bad as most but “dabbling” in drugs 2-3 times a month is bad enough for me, someone who rarely drinks never mind amuses the idea of drug use. It kills me every day to see the person I love turn into every he said he said he hated at one point in his life. He has since been shady with his phone refusing to show me messages, and has since slept with someone else, which he claims was “nothing”. I am at my wits end and although the rational decision for anyone looking in is to “get shut”, it just isn’t that easy. He has since been promoted in his job and will be starting a fresh elsewhere which includes much more responsibility, im hoping this sense of “adulthood” will make him realise that drugs can ruin your everything and put it all into perspective: he is yet to start this role but I don’t know if I’m holding out for a miracle for the sake of being with someone for so long and being childhood sweethearts (we are nearly 30) or if I’m just undeniably stupid.
I wonder how you know that they’ve turned a corner when part of the cycle is relapse, treatment, 80-90 days sobriety, relapse, treatment, 80-90 sobriety, relapse, treatment, 80-90 days…… My husband has been in and out of treatment more than 15 times and I have stopped enabling him. I would love to say that I am willing with love and compassion to stand beside him fiercely when he makes that decision to change directions, but how will I know that he’s actually done that? It’s so hard to know what to do in these situations.
Also forgot to ask- how do you make your own family understand that’s it’s not easy to let go of an addict. They see me self destructing and instead of trying to see my perspective, they react with anger and make me feel naive. I’m 23, my friends are judgemental and my dad says if he catches me speaking to him at all that he’d isolate me. How do I let my parents know that I want to be there for him if he decides to make the step towards recover? My family knows the amount of times my boyfriend has been in and out of rehabs. So they have no sympathy and I don’t blame them. I just don’t know how to keep my other relationships healthy when/if he does decide to try recovery again..because he will always my heart and support.
Your family are understandably worried for you. I understand you want to be there for your boyfriend, but what is good about this relationship for you? What does it give to you? It is likely that your family see a lot of the pain this relationship brings you, These are probably understandably concerned about whether it gives to you and nurtures you, or whether this relationship only takes from you.
This article helped me so so much and was comforting to read. Today I hit a breaking point having my boyfriend who has been using on and off for four years when he overdosed last night. He’s cheated death 6 times and it feels like every time we take a step forward we then take two steps back. I love him more that myself, and that’s a problem I now know I need to deal with. Putting MYSELF first and learning to let go. I’m in a state of feeling like I don’t have a purpose..I’m emotionally and physically drained. I wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night imagining him in a disgusting sketchy place just to feed his addiction. His family has given up hope and expect a phone call one of these days from either the police or hospital. I guess I know what I need to do but just need support in doing it. I don’t want to imagine life without him…Not hearing from him or knowing if he’s okay every day is having me lose my mind. I don’t even remember who I was before meeting him. Being in love with an addict has been the most painful experience of my existence and I’m wondering what the first step is into moving on.
My son has an addiction issue!
I try and read as much as I can, to educate myself, so I can better understand, the addiction.
This is the most powerful article I have read so fair. This has been going on for 5 years.
Thank you, for sharing.
Teresa if only it was possible to love the addiction out of someone. I hope your son is able to grow towards healing soon.
Karen,
I have been following your articles for a while. Your talent allows you to write so clearly, what is so helpful for so many. Working with people suffering from opioid addiction for the last 2 decades, I believe one of the crucial mistakes people do is to try to focus on treating the “addiction”.
Addiction is not a leaving-breathing thing, but a consequence of a distress (often emotional) that was not properly treated. While people focus on addiction, they tend to forget the human being behind it.
I often read the comments of mothers scared to loose their sons and so lost and hopeless. There is hope and there is a way out, but there is not one answer that fits all. We as human beings, have different histories, DNA and needs. We need to be heard and evaluated individually and not be put in a lock down with dozens of others suffering the same faith.
We cannot confuse peer support with treatment.
This is the best, most meaningful article I’ve read on this subject. I’ve newly drawn boundaries with my SO, including making him move out and not giving in to his manipulations (trying to scam a house key, money or things to pawn). I know his living situation is close to homeless and he’s around people who are not healthy for him, but blinders off… he was around ME, a person who’s never done more than taken a few tokes off of a joint in almost 50 years, and that didn’t keep him clean or out of the casino, so I guess where he’s living isn’t as important as “how” he’s living.
It is so hard to stick to your bottom line but thank you for the reminders that we’re not helping anyone by enabling them. His only real option at this point is the Salvation Army and he scoffs at that. 6 months free housing, meetings, structure… he doesn’t care that it could save his life. I just made another plea for this path, along with words of love and encouragement, but the days of my losing sleep over his lack of commitment to change (I do believe he WANTS to) are over.
I have no choice but to stay strong. I have no more money to give and it makes me sick to be around him when he’s using or to have him ask me for gas money because he lost everything at the casino. I know this is beyond him – I hope he can find his way back to himself before it’s too late.
So glad to have found this article. It seems that I have been surrounded by addictions. My own, my ex-husband, my brother. When I met and married my ex, we both drank and partied and it was all fun and games, until it wasn’t. Over the years we drank until one day I decided enough was enough and stopped. That was 2009 and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My life has completely changed for the better. Sobriety is glorious! Alas, my ex husband was not happy about my sobriety, and he did not hesitate to tell me. When the wine fog was gone, I realized that he and I had a false connection through the booze, and when the booze was gone, we really had nothing.
The marriage only lasted 4 years after I stopped drinking and during that time my ex continued his addiction with a vengeance, despite my pleas and requests that he join me in sobriety. Obviously, that doesn’t work. As he got meaner, I began to withdraw and detach. I wouldn’t engage him when he was drinking, which was pretty much all the time he was at home. So one day in 2013 he took off. Of course, he blamed me. He had pretty much blamed me for everything that was “wrong” in his life, which in his opinion was, well, everything. Interestingly, it took some time for me to let go of the blame that I had accepted from him. I began to grow and become stronger and heal and now I see his leaving as a blessing. He’s still at it, from what I hear and now has cirrhosis with lots of other serious complications like ascites, etc. Then there’s my twin brother. He’s addicted to pills ~ I think opioids and also alcohol. It’s another heartbreaking situation that I have to watch. Our 90 year old mother enables him and there’s no stopping her. She is very co-dependent which infuriates me when he disappears into his addiction and she gets very very upset and turns to me for help. I’m upset today ~ obviously ~ and searching around for some support ~ after seeing him last night at a family dinner that he was barely able to get through because he was in some sort of withdrawals ~ runny nose, tremors, pale, etc. He looked miserable. That’s not the first time. My two kids noticed and commented and I told them straight up, that’s what addiction does to a fine person. Anyway, it helps to get this out. Thank you again for your article.
I also thank God for leading me to this article. I recently had to separate from my spouse of 17 years related to his addictions. He become like a different person, sneaky and secretive and dismissive if I asked him anything. I used to coach him over coffee in the mornings, try and be his cheerleader, but I see now I was only enabling him. He couldn’t wait for me to leave the house so he could feed his addiction. So much pain…but when all boundaries are crossed you have to make a change. Our children saw everything, they know what’s going on and they need to be protected. Courage and Strength is what I ask for every day. I’m going to refer to your article again and again and give it to our loved ones.
By far one of the BEST articles I have read to date. So clearly and lovingly written. It speaks directly to my soul as a spouse of an addict of 20 years. I thank God for stumbling across this article – it has tremendously confirm so much for me who I was and who I am as an enabler and yet the article has strengthened my courage and my resolve to stay firm in my stance and my boundaries. I promise you I read this article daily to remind why I must take this stance and hold on to my resolve that I am doing the right thing to finally end the cycle of enabling and to begin taking care of my self. Thank you thank you thank you!!
You’re so welcome Pat. I’m pleased this article has been helpful for you. I hope it keeps giving you the clarity and courage you need.
The problem is she died. She was stunning. I think of her every hour of every day.
Wow – just wow!!! This is so accurate. When you love an addict it hurts everyone in the family and who love them. It is hard to watch your son hit what you think is rock bottom and still not enough for him (the addict) to seek help. However, For the first time in 15 years we are actually hopeful for his recovery. He is in a good place. We all know that it the road is long and the struggle is real. Thank you for your insight.
You’re very welcome Toni. 15 years is such a long time. Hopefully it’s long enough for your son to have felt enough pain from his addiction to stay on the right path now. It’s such a painful thing for everyone, but the helplessness when you watch someone you love be so hurt by an addiction, can be paralysing. I’m so pleased he is in a good place now. That would have taken a massive amount of hard work, strength and courage for him to do that. I hope he keeps moving forward with his recovery. It sounds as though he has a wonderful family behind him.
My 22nd and I have a young man that we’ve loved nd raised for 22 yrs….he’s n addict..he will do any drug…meth, huffing..that’s what we know about…he’s in and out of jail…we’ve been going thru this for 6 yrs..he comes nd goes….we are raising his little boy 3..and precious.. I LOVED this young an like my own…that’s changing.. So tired of the lies he tells and the anger in my soul….should I not let him come home? It really upsets the baby…HRLP
Great Article! I told my partner that I can’t take his alcohol addiction….and just finding out that maybe there is a cocaine problem as well. I love him and he is a good man. But I can’t do it anymore, it affecting me in many negative ways. I told him that it had to stop or we were done. I told him how much I love him…..and I will be here if he wants help. He has admitted he has a problem but has never said the words…I want to stop…or sorry for hurting you. He is just blaming our relationship and everything else he can. He is very angry at me right now. And doesn’t seem too concerned about us splitting up. Maybe he thinks I won’t end it. I feel stronger then I have because I know now I can’t continue to live this way. When will his anger end towards me? We haven’t spoken in a day….we live together. I’m confused and need strength to see this through. I don’t want to keep nagging him. Do I just not bring it up again and see if he makes any changes? Or wait for him to come to me? I know I’m all over the place!
Hi Karen….
My question is can this article apply to other addictions (not drug related)?
I’m in a situation where the addict is looking to go online and meet women. Not for a relationship….don’t think he’s a sex addict, but feels compelled to do it! It’s only happened once so far, but he’s determined. He has completely closed off himself, says ha can’t feel anything, hates himself so much, and obsesses over getting his next ‘hit’. As someone who loves him, I’m devastated. And he asks that I understand and somehow hold his hand through all this?! And when I say no, or ask what would I get out of this! I’m selfish and uncaring! He’s dead inside, knows he has no self live, and says this is something he needs to do! I don’t understand how using people can somehow make them feel better about themselves? This is the most important and amazing person I’ve ever known, we were together for 6 years….and the trigger for this was because I had to move out for my child. But we were still together. I came home on weekends. That abandonment triggered this destructive behaviour, and it was the undoing of us. Going online, lies, distant, cruel, manic, obsessive! He chose a couple day dalliance over our relationship. No talk of love, no sex (yet….but at that point…but within the week..yes!). It’s just crazy. This is someone who had been monogamous, the sweetest, the best dad, just incredible….to someone I can’t recognize. He has been the most caring and involved dad, coach of teams etc., to someone who completely disregarded his child in all this! He didn’t even consider the impact on them! And they are devastated. They took the breakup super bad. This behaviour is not from the man we knew. This new one is a stranger. I won’t even get into how I found out, the disappearance of him, my moving out of our house by myself (he was away pre planned visit to family)….I was left to deal with it all by myself. I did such a good job, that the night he was back, he had the new woman in our bed! But was texting me about how empty the house was, and how there was no ‘you’ here, it’s twisted! I made it happen because I’d moved out completely..all my stuff was mostly at our house), it haunts me that I should have stayed, so everything after wouldn’t have happened. That one ended within a couple weeks, but it was her choice. Even then, he kept trying to engage with her, while he came back to me to ask for help, but also go online! Lying all the time to me. No not talking to her any,ore, no not online anymore…and he was, the whole time. I searched his computer and saw it all. Big fight ensued. He to me to get out. I screamed he’s a liar. Then the claim I didn’t understand him. That these people aren’t the problem. It’s him! To stop focusing on them. He feels nothing! But like an addict, he accused me of walking away when he needs me the most?! Really? He needs me to understand. He goes crazy when I bring up the women, because I don’t understand. He says I’m clueless. This is a man who was never a guy looking to get laid, made sexual overtures to, or about women. He’d been the pillar of decency. Pro women (not mysogynistic). To this?! How do I support this insanity? He thinks this behaviour will somehow exorcise his guilt for what he did to, to us, to his child! I don’t want to know any of this! He has told me. Don’t trust me. (I don’t). Don’t leave me (I have to) he won’t go to therapy. I’ve offered to pay. I’ve said he can go for individual support, or couple.., he says again, he will lie. That he has to find it in himself? It’s a disaster. He reads up on things, but can’t do it by himself. Nighttime is crippling for him. That’s when the behaviour really comes out. He describes it as being a junkie. Needing a ‘hit’. A new text a new interest. But never me. I’m in a different category. I know the truth, so I get little attention. Never flirty or caring, just all about this. The behaviour. The bullshit claims of I’m not online etc. not normal stuff. I’m exhausted. I’m devastated. And I just can’t deal with all this madness. But it’s like so many with loved ones with addictions. I love him. He gets angry when I ask…but what about means! He says it’s always about me! Can’t I just focus on him for once?? I would really appreciate any advice or insight. He’s never been a sex addict, but now, should I think that? He’s definitely codependent, we both agree on that, but I’m at a loss! Where should I go for support on this addiction?
Thank you
Be careful using the word ‘addiction’ as an excuse for bad behaviour. He has lied, cheated, and it keeps going. The question isn’t so much whether or not this is an addiction, but how much are you prepared to accept? If he’s not serious about fixing it, and would rather keep hurting you, why do you stay. He has the choice – to do what he needs to do to stop hurting you, or to keep hurting you. He knows what it’s doing and he isn’t prepared to stop. His intentions matter more than what you call it.
Thanks Karen,
I read through ten related articles before finding yours. Clearly the best: thorough and personal.
I work as a Social Worker, and yet I was unprepared for the extent that a drug addict will lie. I considered myself great at understanding people but this loved-one (adoptive daughter – neighbour) deceived and manipulated me for six month. I didn’t even know that I was enabling. She created a false narrative about a part of her life. She told this story for the intentions of making me vulnerable and more willing to help her. I did eventually deconstruct it.
She is still an endearing person who I care for greatly. I understand her real life pain (not the false story) as she comes from one of the most oppressive male dominated cultures. They have done horrific damage to her body. I have seen that way that she is alienated by her people. Although I don’t see this as an excuse for drug addiction.
Since realising that she had lied to me I stopped giving her money. I do now though supply her with food, household goods and assess to entertainment. However, this only gives her more opportunity to use her money on alcohol and marijuana. At her worst, she will choose to stave and go around the neighbour like a stray dog begging for what she needs. I support her because it is heart-breaking to see her do this. Is is time to stop helping her? I feel like it is but it makes me cry thinking about how low she will go to get drunk or high.
Thanks Kevin. I’m so pleased you found the article and that it resonated for you – that means a lot to me. I honestly don’t think anyone can be ready for the level that addicts will go to in order to feed their addiction. If you have an open heart, it’s understandable that you would see the good in people first, and continue to have faith in their motives. I wish more people could be like that. It’s difficult to believe the dishonesty that addicts are capable of until you have been on the wrong end of it a number of times. You have done the right thing by not giving her more money, but it sounds as though the other support you are giving her might also be serving to support her addiction. This can be heartbreaking to watch, not to mention the helplessness that can come from that.
What I know for certain is that people don’t change until they feel enough pain. The problem with an addiction, is what ‘enough’ pain looks like. I also know that she will keep doing what she is doing until she is ready to stop, with or without your support. The risk is that your support is stopping her pain from being ‘enough’ for her to make the decision to do something different and make the changes she needs to make. The most important thing is that if you take those things away, to let her now that there will be support for her when she chooses to do things differently and start to heal. That way, when she feels enough pain, she will know where to find the support she needs to move forward. It is such a difficult decision, because withdrawing that support will likely mean that she will be putting herself in riskier situations, but the question to ask is, ‘is supporting her the way you making it easier for her to stay on a path that is also risky. Even though in many ways you are helping her to stay safe, are you also helping her to stay stuck. It’s a painful decision, because there is risk either way.
Be clear about why you are doing what you are doing and remind yourself of these. Whatever you decide will come from a heartfelt, generous place, I know that. I wish love was enough to heal an addiction, but it’s not. Ultimately, that decision has to come from them when they are ready.
My boyfriend is an addict, he says I’m judging him, but I was an addict, so I can’t judge him…how do I get him to understand I am not judging him….?
If your boyfriend is using, it’s likely that he might not be thinking clearly or rationally. There is only so much you can do. If you have told him you aren’t judging him, you can’t do more than that. The problem with this is that your boyfriend is making this about your judgement of him, and while he does that, it makes it easier for him not to look at his own behaviour. This is a big reason that addiction can be so intrusive in relationships – people will see what they want to see. The tendency for an addict will be to think in ways that make it easier to keeping using, rather than allow their addiction to be challenged.
My boyfriend is hanging with another who allows this addiction to continue because they are , I don’t know why he periodically contact me he doesn’t ask for money and I won’t give it if he did. But what does he want ? How do I ans him so far I’ve said glad your well stay blessed etc he thinks I don’t know this is addiction is old he once told me I’m the only thing good I his life , I still love him lord knows . But it’s killing me . Should I ans his text calls or ignore them ? Plz if you can give me any insight I’d greatly appreciate it
Rose you will have to ask him what he wants, and let this guide you on how you respond to his texts.
I married a man I knew from my teen years and yes he was my first love. He was a big drinker back then. However, after 23 years we met and married. We dated months before we got married. He claimed he hadn’t drank in 8 years. After 1 month of marriage he was coming home late from work. You guessed it and he also cheated. Now we’re in the process of divorce. Please don’t stick around if you are a person who has integrity. A person who is an addict is hurting you with there addiction, enough is enough.
Hi Karen
Thanks for your article. I am currently struggling with the consequences of having been manipulated by my addict partner for several years. It’s only now that he has come to terms with the fact that yes, he is an addict, and he’s seeking help, but while he goes through treatment what am I supposed to do? I have seen many articles about self-care and not enabling etc, but I am having trouble finding ones that simply tell me how to survive this period. We are not in financial or social ruin, his addictive behavior isn’t life-threatening but more life-frustrating (which is why it took so long for either of us to see it for what it is), and is likely exacerbated by untreated mental illness. As much as I am exhausted emotionally, I’m finding it frustrating that every article seems to say “leaving may be the only option” – what if I don’t want to leave? Where are the articles on how to get through it together? I will be seeking out the family groups at his treatment center and I know I will find support there, and your article has given me some strategies for the mean time, but I feel a bit lost.