Breakups are emotional roller coasters. Actually that’s not true. If a breakup was anything like a roller coaster the end would be visible from the start, you could say ‘no thanks’ to the ride and at the end of it, for a hefty sum the memory could be savoured forever with a flimsy cardboard-framed photo.
Breakups are are more like being under a roller coaster.
Before we knew the science we knew the feeling, and used words associated with physical pain – hurt, pain, ache – are used describe the pain of a relationship breakup. Now we know why. The emotional pain of a breakup and physical pain have something in common – they both activate the same part of the brain
Brain scans of people recently out of a relationship have revealed that social pain (the emotional pain from a breakup or rejection) and physical pain share the same neural pathways.
In one study, 40 people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup had their brains scanned while they looked at pictures of their exes and thought about the breakup. As they stared at the photos, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up.
[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]
As explained by researcher Ethan Kross, ‘We found that powerfully inducing feelings of social rejection activate regions of the brain that are involved in physical pain sensation, which are rarely activated in neuroimaging studies of emotion.’
He continues, ‘These findings are consistent with the idea that the experience of social rejection, or social loss more generally, may represent a distinct emotional experience that is uniquely associated with physical pain.’
In further support of the overlap between physical and social pain, Tylenol (an over the counter medication for physical pain) has been shown to reduce emotional hurt.
Research has found that people who took Tylenol (an over-the-counter medication for physical pain) for three weeks reported less hurt feelings and social pain on a daily basis than those who took a placebo.
The effect was also evident in brain scans. When feelings of rejection were induced, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up in participants who didn’t take Tylenol. Those who took Tylenol showed significantly less activity in that part of the brain.
Nobody is suggesting that the broken hearted turn to pain medication to reduce their lean towards Kleenex, Baskin-Robbins and repeated viewings of Love Actually. Long term use will cane the liver. Somebody else is waiting to fall in love with you, but you and your liver have to stay friends forever.
The Physical Side of a Broken Heart
The human brain loves love. Being in love takes the lid off the happy hormones, dopamine and oxytocin, and the brain bathes in the bliss. But when the one you love leaves, the supply of feel good hormones takes a dive and the brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine.
[irp posts=”1042″ name=”Letting Go: How to Master the Art”]
In small doses, stress hormones are heroic, ensuring we respond quickly and effectively to threat. However in times of long-term distress such as a broken heart, the stress hormones accumulate and cause trouble. Here’s what’s behind the physical symptoms of a breakup:
- Too much cortisol in the brain sends blood to the major muscle groups. They tense up ready to respond to the threat (fight or flight). However, without real need for a physical response the muscles have no opportunity to expend the energy.
Muscles swell, giving rise to headaches, a stiff neck and that awful feeling of your chest being squeezed.
- To ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system.
This can cause tummy trouble such as cramps, diarrhea or appetite loss.
- When stress hormones run rampant, the immune system can struggle, increasing vulnerability to bugs and illnesses.
Hence the common ‘break-up cold’.
- There is a steady release of cortisol.
This might cause sleep problems and interfere with the capacity to make sound judgements
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Breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction.
Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it’s hard to function – you ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and can’t get him/her out of your head. Like any addiction, this will pass.
In a relationship, your mind, your body and the core of you adjust to being intimately connected someone. When that someone leaves, the brain has to readjust. The pain can be relentless but eventually the body chemistry will change back to normal and the hurt will diminish.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier. Keep going. You’ll get there.
I was with my boyfriend a year, we were ridiculously close. However, we just finished university in the summer and since then he had been panicking about getting older and feeling the pressure of being an adult. He was starting a new job after christmas, his first proper job, and he was always saying ‘can we be together until i start and then end at the beginning of my job it’s too much pressure’. We stayed together when he started his job but he met loads of new people and was going out loads and basically decided he felt really young again and didn’t want the pressure of a serious loving relationship whilst he was trying to make a new impression at work, pre-occupied with all these new people. I begged him to give it ago (when we split face to face) but now we have not spoken since- it’s been six weeks. We are the same friend group from university so now either i miss events or he does.
I haven’t contacted him in the six weeks because, call me old fashioned, but if he wanted to make contact he’d reach out right? I feel absolutely horrendous but out of principle i don’t think it’s up to me to message him to see how he’s doing. However, i am completely torn. I don’t want to look back in three months and think “if only i had text him and made contact”. Maybe i’m missing my chance to rekindle by sitting back and doing nothing?
What does everyone think? Some friends tell me to reach out to him, others tell me absolutely not.
Emma I really do understand how torn you would be feeling on this. Based on what you have said, he has made it very clear that he does not want a relationship. Your gut feeling is important and worth listening to – if he wanted to contact you, he would. If there is any doubt in your mind and you are finding it difficult to reach closure, there is nothing wrong with asking him one more time if this is still what he wants now he has had six weeks to think about it. Bear in mind though, that if you don’t get the answer you want, which is very likely, your pain will be worse for a while because it will feel fresh again, but at least then you will be able to move forward. If you do reach out, be prepared to believe what he tells you. If he tells you that there will be no relationship, make sure that you are ready to let go. This will be painful, but the freedom it gives you to move forward will be worth it.
Hi Emma, you sound like you are on the verge of a new life after finishing your college. I think your boyfriend feels the same; he wants a new start. I would start doing things for you such as travelling or meeting new friends and doing new things. Don’t put your life on hold for somebody else. There’s nothing worse than just waiting for somebody else to “see the light” when that might never happen. Good luck.
My husband and I have been living a parallel existence for 30 years. Ten years ago I met a man I was deeply attracted to, and he to me as well. I never told him my feelings of him. He’s my first thought in the morn and my last thought at night. I told my husband ten years ago I wanted to leave, he begged me to stay, and out of deference to the kids I did. I learned the other is getting married and my heart is crushed. I desperately want to tell him how I feel, put it all out there, living no regrets as they say. I know it probably won’t have any effect, but what if….?
Any advice?
You should tell him. Doesn´t really matter what happens but what matters is you being brave and not having regrets. I was in love with a man for few years and than one day he just died. Now..If I could go back and tell him how I felt I would- even if he rejected me. I think you should always do what you really want to do and not let any fear stop you. No matter what happens, you can always be proud of your self for being brave and doing someting despite you fears (and thats very special when you look around and see how people function in their lifes). I wish you the best of luck. let me know how it turned out!
Hi, I am going through probably one of the most difficult times in my life.
I have been in very Toxic and dependant relationship and I am just trying to accept that it is over and move on but it seems impossible.
My ex-partner and I were together for 4 years, the first two were amazing… He was completely dedicated to the relationship and so was I . He was my best friends, then I suffered an accident and I had to go through surgery (few of them) he was there for me, taking care of me and supporting me with so much love, for the first time in my life I felt that my independence was gone and I had to trust him fully. I did… 6 moths later after the check up I was told I had to go through another surgery.
My ex started changing after that, excessive drinking, his support started vanishing, I saw how he got frustrated to not been able to help … I felt guilty and pain. My self steam and my strength were very low… I tried to go back to college to prove myself and my ex, that I could move on from it and learn another profession. I moved to college 4 hours away from our home. And what started as an amazing project soon felt down the drain when I notice how my ex wasn’t there, I had grown dependant on him… He started been distant… Tired I suppose of my hard personal situation. That wasn’t the person he felt in love he said more that once afterwards.
By the end of the first year college I started suffering from panic attacks, he was there sometimes, then he will be absent… I broke down and I started having Generalized anxiety.
My physical health first and then mental health…. it was too much for me. He cheated on me on top of all that…. And when I was about to give up college and leave him, He came with the most emotional apologies And I did took him back part because he had been so good to me in the past and part because by then I needed his love to be able to move on and finish college.
Had my second surgery in my home country and he came with me, Another 4 months dedication to the relationship and then the loop started: Drinking and emotional abuse and then as soon as he saw me going cause I couldn’t take it, he would come back with the most amazing apologies and excuses.
I felt absolutely trap, I wanted him to love me like he did before I got sick, I wanted to get better but I couldn’t… I blamed it on to me. I felt alone, scared and guilt, like I deserve no love and I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t leave him. I realized I was dependant on his love I was soo sick I NEEDED HIS SUPPORT.. He started not involving me in his life, and I felt so bad for being sick I just felt depressed. I started counselling and it was the first time I heard the word emotional abuse and dependency.
That keep on for months!! He left to his friends house in one of his attempts to make it out after a very bad abuse episode and I felt my anxiety got a bit better, he loved me but he wasn’t around too much so at the weekends he had missed me and we will get on. Perfect I thought! I am getting better, he is really lovinG
Until last weekend when he was coming home in one of his “You are the love of my life periods, marry me and take me back ” but instead he cheated on me and texted me that he was not in love with me, that he hadn’t been in so long and he just didn’t want me to stop loving him. and believe it or not he found a way to blame me for it! he said as well that he told everyone else months ago that we were not together so I was the only one who didn’t know about it.
I feel broken and in pieces… I couldn’t believe. I knew it was a toxic relationship by both sides but I thought we were aware of the problem and loved each other
I know is my fault for allowing it, it didn;t felt right….
If I could see this from an objective situation I will probably tell that he is an abuser and that I am better off without him. But I blame myself for the fact that he stopped loving me and I don’t know how to stop beating myself up, stop missing him badly… and move on.
I read this blog, and it feels like all I’ve been doing is reading about this type of stuff on the internet recently. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month ish ago. I am 22 years old, and she is 21 years old. We were a semi long-distance relationship, as she lived in a city 2 hours away and went to school there while we were together. However, distance didn’t seem to be much of an issue as I would usually see her at least once a month, sometimes twice a month for a full weekend or weekends. We had a great balance between our personal lives and our own lives together. The reason she broke up with me was because she said she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore (doesn’t love me anymore) and because of pressure from her parents.
She’s a Sikh girl and I’m a hindu boy. These are both religions in India, and while they are as close as two religions could ever be, her family and her parents are extremely traditional. Although she hasn’t explicitly had this conversation with her parents, she is fairly certain that her parents will never approve of me. To make matters worse, she does not have a healthy, working relationship with her parents. Her parents are extremely strict, they barely let her go out with her friends, if at all, and they are indirectly heavily included in all her decisions. This is because the relationship between her parents and her are built upon fear and making sure she does not go against their will. They also put a lot of pressure on her to do well in school and have a well-established career. I have already graduated university and am in a steady career path with a solid job already in an office.
Between me and her, we never had any problems. Things were amazing, and all our time spent together felt amazing. We travelled together, and literally explored her entire school city together. However, when we started dating, I was worried about the uncertainty about the future. We just kept putting it off though and said we would deal with the future when the time came, and decided to just enjoy the present. However, I could tell the pressure from everywhere in her life (parents, pressure about this relationship, school, career) was mounting up. It seemed as if she was happy and doing well on the outside, but she said she was just hiding the truth. All the pressures got to her and she said she forced herself not to love me as much as I loved her, not to get as attached, because she knew the day to break-up would come, because of the uncertainty of her future. Now, when I’m trying to fight and save our relationship, she says there’s nothing left fighting for because she’s felt this way for so long and she already decided in her head. She also refuses to let me see her, or talk it out in person, as she thinks it’s a bad idea. We’ve only talked about all this stuff over the phone or via text. She has said she just wants time to figure this whole thing out and understand herself and see what she wants, but when we fight, she explicitly says I’ve already decided I don’t want this, nothing’s changing, etc. It’s been really hard for me to not contact her.
Anyways, for me, I’m struggling with life more than ever. This break-up seems like it has turned my world and life upside down. I lost the thing that mattered to me most. My job is high pressure, I work long hours, and my performance is suffering pretty badly. I can’t focus on my work, I can’t seem to get things done, they’re taking me much longer. I go to the gym pretty much daily, as I have for the last 2 and a half years, but some days in the gym I’m just not mentally there. Living daily seems like a struggle. I have no appetite on most days. Yesterday, I had 3 seperate instances of an anxiety/panic attack, in which I felt like I was going to collapse/die. I just don’t know how to deal with this and what to do, and I just want this thing back.
Any advice/feedback is appreciated.
What you are feeling is completely understandable given what you have been through. Your body and your mind are adjusting to a new normal. You will adjust, but this will take time. Breakups are deeply painful but when the relationship is close and loving, it can be all the most difficult to understand. Circumstances can be just as important and can play such a huge role in whether or not a relationship will work. For now, there is no easy way through the heartbreak. All you can do is understand that this will be as difficult for her as it is for you. If she has asked you to let go then that’s what you need to do, as much as that heavies your heat. You will be okay and you will love again, just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.
Here s my story. Me and my ex were living together for about 4-1/2years. We moved a part March of 15. Feb 28th we had a big blowup and he end up pushing me and fell. I was not hurt but it happen all the same. He left the house immediately after and did not come back til the next day. This is not the first time he didn’t come home .
We eventually got to a place that we could talk. I asked him if we were still going to be together and his response is that he didn’t think so. He could not stop playing the push in his head. Looking at me only reminded him of it. There is much more that lead up to all of this, but not enough time in the world.
Anyway, before he was complete moved by the end of March we talked and agreed we did not want us to end and we would work on it. We ultimately ended up living in separate apts down the street from each other.
We continued to talk and see each other and we’re still considered a couple but working on things; more so him then me. We were getting along great. We were happy together.
Come abt the end of October, beginning of Nov we confirmed we were still a couple. Now somewhere in November he found out that back when he went out on February 28th, the girl he cheated on me with had a baby and it was his. I noticed a change in his demeanor and the more time was passing for me to see hi. I didn’t say at the time.
Come Dec, we had been talking about what to do for Christmas and what I wanted and he wanted. We ultimately agreed that he would come over for Christmas and I would cook. We does this the night before; he never showed up. He called me at 11p that night. I was in tears, bcs I flashed back the year b4. We were not in a good place then. The next day we was suppose to come over and did not. We finally spoke and he said he made a mistake. He would tell me what it was. So my mind was all over the place. I think I cried everyday minus 2days until Jan 17th.
He finally comes over to talk and I ask what is going on. We are we. He tells me that I don’t think I can see you and more. Then he goes to the comment about a mistake. After beating around the bush he tells me he has a baby. This when he tells me abt the cheating back fen 28th. He says that he can’t be with me bcs he has to try and make something work with her for,the sake of his son. According to him, he had only been with her once and does know her. Nor has he had DNA test. I don’t believe that he was only with her once.
It has been hell for me ever since. I have read many of the postings and the expressed devastation experienced.
I thought maybe he was going to tell me he did not want to try anymore and I thought I would be ready for that, but this; I was not ready for. He tells me his plan was to move on past the cheat night and ultimately be back with me, but now things have changed.
He tells me he still loves me and is till in love with me; but he knows it is hard to believe.
I was in a tail spin for then on. He finally called to just listen to me and answer some questions. One question I asked is, does the girl live in this area. Keep in mind we are literally only blocks from each other. He says, yes.
I stop at his apt and asked him to come down to his car( I hv never seen the inside of his apt). He tells me he can’t. Then I asked”you do not live alone anymore, do you? He said know. He text me and told me the baby and mom are there.
He moved them in with him. This a man that has really wanted a child and we discussed it. I really wanted a child with him. I just wanted some level of peace in our relationship first.
So, since Christmas til now I have only gone 2days without crying. From the 17th til now, I went 3days with out eating and 2days in total darkness. Keep in mind I moved to Ga., on my own in 2008 and met him the end 09. He was all I had here. We fell head over heels for each other. To the point strangers commented on it. I had no friends and just last year met some decent woman, but for the most part I am alone.
The fact he has a son with this girl, took the wind from me and he moved them in with him I decided when I was 36 I wanted a child, then I met him and knew he would be the father. He is going to be a great father. Now I am 42 and lost it all. I wanted my child to be born from love. I spent 6yrs with the man and I have nothing.
I am trying to hang on to some level of sanity. Now I look in the mirror and see and older woman. It’s as if being with him made me forget I was 5yrs old than him. Everything was about him. Through all the b.s. We went through, I have been in love with him. I am still in love with him.
He says the only joy he has now is his son. That does not help my pain. I don’t have any issue with the baby, it’s the way the baby came about and it is not ours.
I am so lost, confused, and just sad about life. Oh and I was laid off off in Dec.
Your article explains my pain physically, but I just don’t know anymore.
Sorry for so much typing. I apologize for any typos as well. I did not go back and proofread.
You’ve had an awful time of things lately and it’s not at all surprising that you are so sad and confused. You have been betrayed by the person you love over and over. As well as this, you have lost your job – another major life event to deal with. Your sadness runs deep, I can hear that, and it is important for you to let yourself feel what you need to feel, but that sadness will pass. What I need to ask though, is are you with this man because of love and hope for a future or because of a habit and concern that there will be nothing better for you? I am all for second chances – we all make mistakes – but as for chances after that, I would have to ask what you’re getting from this relationship. There has been violence, betrayal, lies. The problem is that your mind and body adjust to this and learn to tolerate it, but you deserve so much more – and can have so much more.
I know that this will probably be the last thing you feel like right now, but anything you can do to meet other people will really help your healing. Join a group, a sports team, volunteer at your local animal shelter – anything – there are plenty of people who would love to know someone just like you. It might be something that is really difficult to do at the start but it is so important that you have some sort of exposure to other people. It will make a difference. If it feels too hard, pair it with something nurturing – on the way home, grab your favourite takeaway and curl up on the couch with a movie – or something that makes you feel good. Pairing something hard with something nicer will make the hard thing become easier. The problem with not have any other social support is that this man is your only option and your mind will likely keep playing over and over the different ways you have been hurt. Find a way to move forward – any little step will do and keep your focus pointed that way. I wish you all the very best.
I was with him because of my deep love for him. I have had trust issues with men for a good part of my life; that is an entirely different article and post conversation.
It was not until I turned 27 that I decided to give someone a chance with me in the hopes of a relationship. That lead to my ex husband and then this situation. These are the only real relationships I have had in my life.
What was I getting from this relationship? Initially I was getting love , affection, and much more than I even thought I wanted. He it took me longer to fall for him then the other way around.
Once we got past my walls, all his insecurities came to light. We really should have parted ways at the end of 201o, but I was all in and so was he. We discussed breaking up numerous times, but neither of us could let go. It’s as if we were addicted to each other.
2014 to 2015 was the worst year ever. He was not happy abt where he was in his career and I made much more money than him at the time. He never thought is was good enough for me because I hv had more experiences in life and my family is much different from his. Everything was an argument for him.
Anyway, back to you initial question. I loved him and still do. I also wanted a child out of love. I know we discussed it, but as I stated before I wanted some level of pice with us b4a child was brought into the picture. We were suppose to be each other “til death do us part”, I guess I was the only one that held that close. We both agreed that the only thing we would split for is infidelity. Now that I am in the situation, I still can’t let go and I know I need too.
Do I believe there is a future for me with someone else, no. I am now back where I started when I was 27. Getting myself to take a chance is not something I see again.
I have been working out just abt every day since the 2nd week of finding this out. I hold on in public, but as soon as I get in my car, I fall apart. It hurts beyond words and imagination.
I completely understand. You are in so much pain right now, but it will fade. I know it doesn’t feel like it but it will. Until then, try to avoid making any long term decisions. Your heart, mind and spirit need to heal, which they will, but it will take time. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have somebody who feels so much love and commitment for him.
I will tell you Karen, that I am going to my first meditation session, of many.
I hope this will help me to find some inner peace in my life with the losses I have experienced in the past 15 months.
I’ve tried all the talk therapies in conjunction with my exercising with little relief as I feel like a dog chasing it’s tale, getting nowhere.
I do hope this meditation can put me onto a pass of inner wellness.
I know it sounds a bit deep but it is needed.
Thanks
Andrew.
Inner peace is so important to finding balance. I’m really pleased to hear that you’re doing this. I hope it helps – stick with it.
Hi Karen,
I am just replying again after your insightful email above.
This may seem extremely futile but from your experiences from people’s many relationship questions to you, once a woman / girlfriend who breaks off a relationship says at the end, that the door is closed on the relationship, are the chances of getting back close to zero?
I realise it’s not an easy question to answer.
As I had mentioned it’s only been 11 days since the split and wow I can’t believe how painful it still is.
Lastly do you believe all memory / contact of my former girlfriend should be erased?
I am not talking about personal photo’s etc but things like Facebook?
No I do not contact her at all since the split, but Facebook is a communication tool a lot of us use , you are still usually connected to your former partner / girlfriend through friends on Facebook.
I do use the FB like many people to connect with people overseas but does it keep the wounds open when you have access to your former lovers page?
I find de-friending quite severe and odd.
I know this seems like a question a person of a lot younger age would ask but as we know FB is a medium that is now used mostly by the older generation.
Thanks
Andrew.
I’m pleased you have asked your questions – the are certainly not futile. Here’s what I think, and remember they are just my opinions.
I think when someone says the door is closed, it’s important (for your own sake) to believe them. If the door opens one day, you may or may not be interested but in the meantime, the healthiest thing for you to do is to move one as though it will stay shut. If she wanted you to believe there was a chance, she would have given you some hope to hang on to.
I definitely don’t think you should erase all memory of her. There will be things you will have taken on from being with her that will make you grow and become more enriched. Keep the memories, but give her back the things that are hers – you don’t need them jolting you into further grief every time you lay eyes on them. As for contact on Facebook – that’s not a clear one either. FB is great for keeping up with people but it makes letting go of relationships so difficult. FB are on to this though (clearly there are a lot of people in your shoes) – here are some things they are trialling to make it easier to avoid without defriending. Here is the link http://newsroom.fb.com/news/2015/11/improving-the-experience-when-relationships-end/. See if it will help – I haven’t tried it, but hopefully it will be a way to stop you hurting every time you jump on FB. You will get through this. I know it feels awful right now – I’ve been there myself, but it does end. Keep moving forward and try not to get pulled back in. There is someone who is looking to meet you and be with you and love you like crazy, but first you’ll have to make it easy for her to get to you. There are good things waiting for you. Wishing you strength and healing.
Thanks so much for your reply Karen
Regards.
You’re very welcome Andrew.
Andrew, I know this might sound a bit harsh but this is what I did after a breakup. I hid all photos, gifts and anything that reminded me of this person. I unfriended on FB and unfollowed mutual friends. This enabled me time to process everything that happened. It gave me breathing space to process the events and for me to grief the loss. I know it is very hard and we just want to hold onto something but to me that just prolonged the healing process. Also each day I did something for me: a walk, shopping, anything to get me going again. Good luck!
Hi Andrew and Karen . the last I commented on this post I was fresh out if my breakup , reading subsequent posts reminds me of how I felt and I feel for you Andrew. I did exactly what Karen said , I either threw away or boxed up the more valuAble things that had anything bit to do with him . That meant removing pictures not only from my walls , but I used an app picture vault and put all his pics in there and pics of us on my phone . It’s pw protected and I can’t tempt myself to look . I redecorated the bedroom where we stayed , total new color and theme . It helped greatly . It cleansed my soul as I cried . I still get I to safe and look at my engagement ring , I might feel a tear but it’s not that terrible ache . It’s been since November and I find myself feeling stronger everyday . Take this time to be alone , do projects and you will be busy but think and after awhile things we seem clearer and not muddied by emotion . That longing for him is gone , I miss him , but I don’t need him like I thought I did . It gets easier . Be gentle on yourself . Karen your advice is spot on and so appreciative .
Going through this breakup has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’ve known my ex for more than half my life, but we have only been dating for just under a year. Being a long distance relationship makes everything harder.
We didn’t break up because we don’t love each other or because there was no connection, we broke up because the distance just became too much and because waiting another two and a half years to be together just seems impossible. I love this man with every fiber in me. He is the sweetest, most caring and most loving guy I have ever met. We just clicked from the moment we met. I think if he had cheated or hurt me in some way, it would be so much easier to get over.
Everything just hurts. I feel so lost. I feel like I have lost a part of me and I have no idea how to get through this. I can’t stop crying, I can’t sleep, I can’t keep anything down. I just want all of this pain to go away.
Oh these are the worst breakups – ending because of circumstance when you are both so connected and in love. The pain will go, but first it will take some time for you to adjust to a new normal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just take one day at a time. Heartbreak can’t be hurried. Love and warmth to you.
My daughter is going through the exact same thing. It’s day 3 of the break up. She lives in another country and we talk on what’s app. I can’t make myself call her because I’m hurting for her too and it will kill me to hear her cry and that heartbroken voice . We very close and she immeadtly turned to me and the first night I was up all night msg her and the next day to it was non stop and I was with her answering every msg. She said she just need to keep telling me everything. I asked her if she wanted me there and she said she did. So I’m flying out next month to stay with her. I’m just afraid how to deal with this and I know I need to let her just talk and let it all out . I know she’s going to lash out at times and I need to stay calm and help her through this. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I married my childhood sweetheart who I met when I was 15 and we married 27 years. I just want her to stop hurting its breaking my heart :(.
Gillian
Thanks so much for your reply, it was really appreciated.
You are correct I have read a lot about the NC (no contact) rule and as hard as it is, it has to be followed through, otherwise as you said it just fires that dopamine in your brain.
Once again thank you.
Regards
Andrew.
I’m having a really tough time with a recent breakup. We had been talking marriage and kids just a few weeks ago and then all of a sudden he stopped communicating as much, and then after him taking me out one night to celebrate my recent graduation and passing my nursing boards, he breaks up with me the next day saying he loved be but wasn’t in love with me, that he had been feeling off about our relationship. In retrospect I thought he had found someone else, and I was completely ready to work on moving on from him because if he cheated on me then he was not the person I thought he was. Then when I met him to get back the rest of my stuff he insisted there was no one else and that he didn’t even know if he was doing the right thing but he had stuff to figure out and needed time to think. Now I’m so torn, I feel like he’s trying to string me along so I’ll wait around for him in case he changes his mind later. I know I’m better than that, but it is such a good crutch, it helps the pain right now to hold on, but my head is telling me that I’m just putting the pain off until later and that’s not healthy either. I don’t know if it will help me if I make it final by telling him that I’m not waiting around, or if that will just make things worse by contacting him. I know I’ll eventually be happy without him, I just want that sooner rather than later.
Mecca you sound really clear and really wise. There is nothing wrong with giving him some space if there are things he needs to work out. It’s not unusual for people to pull back just when things get close to marriage. He is thinking of a huge commitment and there are clearly things he needs to work out. He sounds very confused. I understand how much he has hurt you, but if you are prepared to wait, decide on a time limit so that you are not rolling along indefinitely. If you think it will help, ask him how much time he needs, but it’s important that you both are on the same page in relation to the rules. Is there contact during that time? Is there an understanding that during that time he will not see other people? If he wants space, that’s okay but work out what that look like – and definitely give it a strict time limit after which he is with you, or you let go and move on. I wish you all the very best.
Didhe come back after no communication?
I tried to talk with him about giving it time, as in the advice she gave me. He thought that she was spot on in that he was freaking out about commitment but he said it just wasn’t going to work out. After awhile of not talking he reached out to me again but he said he is having trouble working this out on his own so he thinks he needs to see a professional. He still doesn’t want me to wait, he says he just needs to be single right now. I’m still unsure if he’s telling the truth, its possible there is someone else and he doesn’t want to burn bridges with me in case it doesn’t work out. Either way, I have to move on with my life, I offered twice to be patient and help him in any way he wanted and he said no twice, there’s nothing I can do and I deserve to be happy so I’m moving on.
I’m literally in the exact same situation as you right now. Talking about marriage, kids, etc. … Everything was pretty normal and then he just broke up with me. :/ Hang in there girl.
Hi Karen,
What a great article you have written and wow does it resonate with me as like the other comments on this site, it hurts so much.
This is the first time I have ever written on a comment board about such an issue. So for me to comment here, it really has to mean a lot, which it really does.
I know it sounds teenager…ish as I am 50 and I was separated 15 months ago after a being together for 28 years. Yes that is a long time.
I will try and keep the story fairly short. My former wife decided to leave the marriage as we grew apart the last 7 years or so.
I still care for her as she is a good person.
My girlfriend (46 yrs) ended our relationship last weekend and it has been a very difficult experience.
We dated for 7 months. I started seeing her 7 1/2 months after my former wife and I were separated.
I was not interested in even looking for a relationship at the time as I felt it was too early.
But I was introduced to this wonderful woman and it was amazing chemistry from the get go.
She has similar interests to me like biking, running etc and a very intelligent, strong, independent and lovely woman.
She had been through the divorce process before as she had been single for about 4 years and had gone through her “grieving” process and all that “baggage” was behind her.
The first couple of months were amazing. I kept the relationship fairly low key for the first month as I was separated for not that long of period.
When my former wife found about about the relationship she was shattered! I know that sounds strange as she ended the marriage.
The texts and emails were relentless over the months and not always pleasant. Obviously she was hurt seeing me date another woman after 28 years. Hence the reason I kept it low key for a while.
I still cared about her as we she is still the mother of my 16 year old daughter.
Odd as it sounds I tried to ease her pain by replying to her to make her not hurt as much.
Fast forward a few months and the constant messages from her and showing up at my house wanting back in the marriage, eventually filtered into my new relationship.
It started to grind me down with huge guilt. I felt as I was having an affair even through we were legally separated.
The last few months was a roller coaster ride for my former girlfriend, as this ridiculous guilt I had affected our relationship/
I had never looked at the 7 stages of grief after a divorce until about 5 months ago. And I then realized I had hit 6 of the 7 stages hence the roller coaster ride, except the last stage which is acceptance.
The roller coaster ride eventually was too much for my girlfriend, understandably and she said she can’t go on with the relationship as she felt I had not gone through my “journey” after my separation.
My question to you Karen is, do you agree that 7 1/2 months was too soon to get into a serious relationship after 25 years?
I will tell you the pain of this separation is indescribable!
Yes we left the relationship still loving each other and it was a very intimate ending.
I agree, as this type of ending is extremely difficult, way more difficult than an ugly ending.
Since the breakup I have not slept in days and lost a bunch of weight as this was a woman who ticked all the boxes for being THE woman.
I really sympathize with so many of the comments as I can relate.
I really think the pain is so deep as after 15 months I have only now realized I have lost , a family, dealing with a very strained relationship with my 16 year old daughter and now this current relationship breakup.
I will say this current breakup is way more painful that my marriage separation. I realise it’s not a great comparison as one relationship was 8 months and the other 25 years.
I have read many websites about when the pain should start to ease from 30 to 60 days or more.
Phew I will say as unmanly as it sounds a broken heart is so painful.
I have read that the pain from a broken heart is very similar from the withdrawal pain of cocaine.
There is no medication for a painful heart.
I gather the pain is so deep because I really hadn’t gone through my so called grieving process of my former marriage and we both fell in love very quickly and it was amazing and it was so real and felt incredible for all these few months.
I have read NC (no contact at all) rule is the only way to get through this.
Unfortunately these days we are all on social media and former girlfriends and their friends are on sites like Facebook, so indirectly you still get the odd photo and comment about your former girlfriend that comes through on these sites.
De-friending people I find very immature.
Regards
Andrew
First of all Andrew – there is nothing ‘teenag-ish’ or unmanly about your story. Quite the opposite. It takes guts to admit that you’re hurting and you sound as though you are someone with a strong, beautifully open heart.
In relation to your question about whether you moved in to the second relationship too quickly, again it depends and it is not for anyone to say what is best for you. You sound wise and insightful, and I expect you have the answer inside you somewhere. I think it depends on so many things. Many relationships end long before they officially end. Though you were only separated for 7 and a half months, it sounds as though the disconnect in your relationship had been going on for a long while before then. People are wired to connect, and it is understandable that if your marriage had drifted apart some time ago, you might be more ready to fall for somebody who seems to be able to give you what you need. There is no formula for this.
Many would say that the pain should ease after 30-60 days, but again, there are so many factors. We all let go differently and we all grieve differently and there is no set time for this. I wish there was, but there isn’t.
One of the reasons the no-contact rule is a good one is because every time you have contact, it’s likely that you’ll be activating the dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the ‘I gotta have it’ chemical and it surges when we get something we want. The problem is that the more we get, the more we want. Every time you have contact, it will be harder to let go. Putting space between you can let things settle down and help your brain to readjust to a new reality. Anything you can do to protect yourself from setting yourself up to crave contact will be a good thing for you. It doesn’t have to be permanent, just until you have learned to be without her.
What you are feeling makes a lot of sense. It might be helpful to give yourself the break you need to readjust and move in whichever direction feels right for you. Breakups are awful aren’t they, but you will be okay. There is somebody waiting to meet exactly you – give yourself the chance to heal, strengthen and open up to what comes next.
Hi I am currently suffering a heartache still in the relationship so it’s hard to just forget. I love your insight on all this and I could use some more inspirational words! Thank you so much!
I guess all I can say is that I feel for your wife. It must be heartbreaking to know after that many years of marriage you were forgotten so easily! It doesn’t make sense to me either. But to each his own.
I am feeling this keenly. Similar experience- but I did not advance the separation to a divorce and ruined the other. I wasn’t strong enough and now I am crushed. Completely devastated and awake and unable to do anything but text the significant other who dumped me for not being as strong as I should have. No response I am howling into the wind just trying to stay alive.
Hi Andrew
Going through a very similar situation. How did it work out for you? Did the pain eventually subside?
Go to your new job Nick, it will be something new to focus on. I put away every photo and gift that was ever given to me. I deleted social media sites and phone numbers. I had to do this to move on. I did not want to see constant reminders every day. When I look back with a clear mind I can now see why it happened: it needed to happen. I takes time but it does get better.
I had a 1 year long distance relationship with a man I thought was the love of my life. We had everything in common & it was the best year of my whole life, even we just were together two times during the year (10 days each time), we were so close and loved each other totally. He lost his job two months ago and everything changed. I was supporting & loving him more than ever. He started saying he needed space. Then broke up with me, a week ago. I am devastated. He became the most important in my life and now, I am totally hopeless. I feel so sad and like I will not survive. Please help!
Gabriela you will survive and you will flourish, but this will take time. You are dealing with withdrawal that is mental, physical and emotional. What you are feeling is very real and understandable, but it will pass. Give yourself time to adjust, which you will. The pain you are feeling feels so intense right now, I understand that, but in time it will ease. There are thing you can do to help this process along and to help your heart and your mind to heal. Spend time with people you care about – connection is critical for you right now. Each day, try to be active for at least 30 minutes, even if it is just a brisk walk. You probably won’t feel like it but it will help to release the feel-good chemicals that will help your recovery. Take away the things in your bedroom or your home that remind you of him. What you focus on is what becomes powerful, so it is important to remove as many physical reminders of him as you can so you don’t get stuck ruminating about what could have been. There will be somebody else for you and though it feels impossible to think of this at the moment, you will get to a point where you will be able to open up to the many wonderful things that will be coming to you.
hi i had a break up months ago and i still cant get over it. he said it was caused by the distance because he moved to another town. it happened so suddenly and im so sad. and i really wanna text him, should i? after the break up happened, i feel like i messed up with everything and i think i couldnt make it through. 🙁
Anna I understand how heartbroken you are feeling – I can hear it in your words. Breakups tend to send all of us a bit mad for a while so you’re not alone there. What’s important is where you go from here. What you focus on is what will become powerful. If you keep focusing on the mistakes you might have made and the possibility of a future with him, this will shape your mood, your actions and the way you feel. If your reason for texting him has even a shred of hope that it might lead to getting back together, or even a brief reunion, then don’t text him. It will only reopen the heartache. There is nothing in it for you. Every time you contact him, it will set you back. There is a happy, whole version of you and your life but for the moment at least and most likely for a long time, it doesn’t include him in it. If he wants to text you, he would know how to do that, but he has chosen not to. Listen to that. You will be okay. You’ll be better so much better than okay. First though, you have to get through the awful time you’re having of things right now. Keep moving forward. Every day it will get easier. Sometimes you might have a backward step but that’s all part of the healing. Keep your heart open for the people who want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Those people are out there, but as long as that precious space in your heart and your mind is taken up be somebody who isn’t wanting to be there, those people won’t be able to find their way to you. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Things will get better.
but i really dont know what should i do right now. i keep telling myself that everythings gonna be okay but ive waited and no its not happened, its like im lying to myself. im trying to keep moving forward but i cant get this thing out of my mind and messed up everything..
It sounds as though the ‘messed up everything’ happened after the breakup. The end of the relationship had already happened and the guilt you feel is misplaced and useless and it will only keep draining you. Everything will be okay, but at the moments it’s not and it’s okay to fall into that for a while. The only way through pain is straight through the middle. Let yourself grieve for the relationship but at the same time work on your healing. Try to do something active every day, spend time with the people who care about you, get plenty of sleep and eat well. Your brain needs this to help you recover. Wear a rubber band or a ponytail holder around your wrist. Every time you start getting pulled into thinking that you messed things up, give it a flick. Then, have a positive reframe ready – a thought that feels strong and healing. Spend some time working on it and have it ready when you need it. Getting stuck thinking negative thoughts over and over can lead to depression. There is nothing in those thoughts for you – you can’t change what has happened however much you think about it. A certain amount of reflection is healthy and there will be things you can learn from what has happened, but too much can be damaging. There is no quick fix for a broken heart and it will take time. It’s not at all unusual for there to be a period of time where it feels as though you’re treading water. Breakups are always awful, but be patient and actively work towards moving forward. You will get there.
hi, i had a break upmonths ago and i still cant make it through. he said this was caused by distance because he is moving to another country. im feeling so sad because it was happened so suddenly. he said we could be just friends. but i cant take him out of my mind for months and im dying to text him. should i? im feeling really sad, what we’ve been through were just too good and cant be forgotten. i dont think i would find someone like him again…
I am currently going thru a breakup or separation. We had been together for two years n been engaged 6 months I know to some it may seem like it’s just a short time but it all started to crash when her 16 yr daughter started running with a bad crowd n progressively got worse which lead into some hard drugs. She says she could deal with the kid n me and I feel like if she would of been more strict with her instead of allowing the opportunities for her kid to continue to do whatever and whenever things could of changed a lot of fights had started and now we’re living separate after living with each other for 2 years she is hurt and I am too. She wants me there but at the same time she’s distancing herself and it’s been hard I can look at her picture or talk to her on the phone n my heart melts I’d do anything for them. Inside of me I tell myself I will wait but at the same time it’s breaking me down and I’ve told her I’d be here waiting. Family vacation all our plans n everything that we had coming in a matter of months now is canceled it’s been very depressing. Life isn’t the same anymore. She wants to go see the therapist where I go and cannot afford it now she has all the bills to pay at the house n I said I’d pay I’d pay for whatever needed. It’s been very stressful n heartwrenching. Memories keep coming back to us during this Christmas she went to her family n I sat alone for I don’t have none here. I said I’d pay for the therapist n for her daughter cd assessment n treatment but why should I if it doesn’t help us get back to where we were but if I donto then I give up on everything. I don’t know what to do or say she says she still loves me n wants us but she’s keep her distance. I miss them both.
Jamie this sounds like an awful time for all of you. It sounds as though you are doing everything you can, and that your partner is incredibly stressed at the moment with the situation around her daughter. Having said that though, a relationship is about going through the tough times together. There is likely nothing else you can do right now but to give her the space she needs to sort things out. If she loves you and genuinely wants to be with you, she will find her way back but the truth is that you can’t force this. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating, I know but be patient and see what happens. Put a time limit on it so that you don’t continue to get barrelled along indefinitely. Have you discussed with her whether she wants you to wait or not? If not, this might be an important conversation to have so that you know what you are dealing with, whether it is worth waiting for, how long (about) the wait will be, or whether you need to let go. I wish you all the very best.
I wanted to tell those following this thread that I did the unthinkable yesterday and contacted my ex fiancé after a month . I tried to stay strong . I took a day for myself yesterday to just pamper me and be good to me . With all the Christmas hustle bustle around me , music , couples I became nostalgic , I cried , and I thought he must be feeling like me and I had to know . Well my friends it is true , contacting your ex is like picking off a scab that is healing and watching it bleed . I cried for hours after . Although he was kind , and he said he thought of me too and he is struggling , he has no desire to reconnect at this point . Almost 4 years and nothing . I feel just as empty today as I did that first week . I thought I was stronger and could handle it but I wasn’t . For any of you out there who are considering reAching out … Don’t . I don’t care if you have to call your friends , family, or write on here don’t . It’s not worth the setback and pain . There was no closure just rejection of the softest kindest kind . He wouldn’t tell me to go but his short responses and distance spoke everything .
Julie, I’m sure a lot of us can relate to what you did. I remember years ago when I left my husband and after about a month agreed to have lunch with him. He had taken off his wedding ring. It was like a slap in the face. But I knew then at that moment that it was the end of the relationship. It was very painful and I couldn’t continue at work for the afternoon and so I came home and cried for hours. It was a bit cathartic and I knew that I had to move forward. It wasn’t easy but it became easier. I had good days and I had crappy days. I’d say it took me a couple of years to actually find my way again. In those days we didn’t have blogs or internet or anything like this to share with others so communities like this are wonderful. Good luck.
Julie…I am crying with u…I know how it feels contacting them & they let u down with words like ” its hard for me too, but its the right thing to do” it has now been 3 weeks without seeing him & 2 month no talk…Dunno if I mentioned but we work together so I went on leave earlier with the hopes it will help, I have started going for councing as my heartbreak has turned into severe depression, where there has even been ugly thoughts of just stopping the pain by not wanting to live anymore…but I have 2 daughters & even though it kills me every morning to wake up, I cannot allow Him to cause anymore destruction…he has already destroyed me with false hope & love and talk of future…I cannot make my kids suffer anymore by me not wanting to live, its already hard for them after my divorce & also seeing me sad most of the time after this relationship…it is so scary to thing of one person that can cause so much destruction…leave so much heartache in his wake, but he is havig an awesome time over the festive season…he does not cry for me or miss me or have dead butterflies in his stomach 24/7…he does not wake up crying &’pray to God every 5 min to please just make the pain stop…no I have to say…I am a strong person, always have been, but this man, whom I loved more than any other man has crippled me…so Julie…I am thinking about u & will also say a prayer…
Thank you all for your kind words . I can tell you I feel lost tonight . This afternoon his words brought me to my knees , he was so unaffected by my love for him or anything for that matter he just kept sing politely, ” thank you for your sincerity and kind words Julie, I too miss things” then he added ” well enjoy your holidays and new year ” I was baffled . I asked point blank should I move on and interestingly he wouldn’t answer . Very cowardly if you ask me . I knew today this is over . I too thought I can’t bear anymore of this soul wrenching pain and questioned my will to live . But it was at that time my teenage son walked in and said Mom things are going to be ok please don’t do this to yourself . I picked myself up and with help of friends around me tonight I dried my tears , tomorrow may be different . I fear the holidays and New Years . Thank you again for everyone’s support this has been wonderful to not feel alone .
I have been thrown away after a 2 uear love affair with the love of my life, I am 36, divorced and have 2 kids…I met my soulmate & we were perfect in every way, compatable…my first true love, how u ask, I was married for 13 years but there was always something missing, untill I met him…he filled every void…its been 6 weeks now and its not getting better, he cut all ties and communication…so I am in deep delression and constant pain…I wake up with the dead butterflies and tears in my eyes and so I go threw my day till sleep claims me again…
The pain of a breakup is so real because you are adjusting to a new normal – physically, emotionally, mentally. Even one of these would be difficult enough but you are adjusting to all three at once. Healing takes time, but you will find a version of your life that feels okay even without him in it. Be patient, and give the time some time. When you are ready, be open to good things finding you, because they will want to.
I have commented on this thread earlier and reading your post brought back what I was feeling almost 4 weeks ago after my fiancé of 4 years ended our relationship . I remember the overwhelming anxiety and ache I felt every morning as soon my eyes opened . I just wanted night to come and fall back to sleep . It’s like I was frozen in time . My thoughts constant . The ache in my chest unbearable , couldn’t eat . But I will tell you that it gets better . I quit waiting in the phone call or text from him because it’s not coming . I would call friends and family when the urge came to call him or the anxiety became to great . I still cry but not everyday . I still think of him but I don’t obsess and I’m taking this time to journal and get to know me and enjoy my own company . I will pray you start to feel better soon . Your not alone . And this site has been a god send for people who have been hurt. Stay positive , things will get better
Julie
I am very sorry for your pain, I can truly say, that I dont wish emotional/broken hearted/brokeness on anyone…it s exhausting, & too much to bear most days…everyone says time heals…does it? Or does our pain level just get stronger, do we just adjust to the pain & learn to live with it…I feel as if I will never get over this loss…to wait so many years to find someone I truly connect with, To truly experience love for the first time in my life…I mean romantic love…& have that taken away…its like my soul is crying…its hard to explain…my heart hurts but also my whole being actually hurts, I can feel it in my whole body, its the kind of suffering that slowly kills u…like the phrase … Dying of a broken heart…but u not really dying…but ur spirit/ur passions/who u r…thats dying…to suffer my first heartbreak at age 36…this is the only way I can explain heartbreak for me…its a deep intense pain that u feel all the way in ur soul…And I will now always understand & sympathize with anyone going trough a broken heart…cause I can honestly say I really understand now…In the past I thought I understood when my friends would tell my about their pain of brokeness…but I now know, I did not understand…but I do now…& when I say…that I pray and relate to anyone who has suffered from this…I really do…my heart goes out to all with brokeness…
Yes and I can tell you when my marriage ended 8 years ago I felt my soul was ripped from me but it was different then , my marriage was empty , but I had 2 children a home and the so called American Dream . I didn’t date for a long time , here and there but nothing but a dinner or a drink then I met my fiance. It was so romantic and loving . He was the perfect man , there was some flaws but overall the romance was nothing short of what I have been wanting my whole life . After a couple months my children met him and he has been a wonderful role model and man in my kids lives. This kills me . I got over my ex husband , but this I don’t think I will get over . I will live and go on but I will carry what we had in my heart forever . There will always be those memories . I still have the ring and I locked it away . His absence is deafening to me . I feel alive but my heart feels empty . I want you to write everyday in a journal how your feeling . You may wrote once a day or several but when you feel overwhelmed please write . It helps . You will feel better . You don’t ever have to forget him or your memories but you take time to see where things might have gone wrong. When you wrote you will will have aha moments . This will prepare you for love again and we have to believe there will be love again and we will feel the same feelings someday and maybe after time it will be with these exact same men who left us . But the reality is now its over and space is best , work on you get stronger so when and if that time ever comes we are ready .
I am going to try the writingg…when did u start feeling better?, its been 7 weeks for me now, & I still feel the same…I am utterly exhausted…really emotionally, physically mentally exhausted…
I woke up this morning thinking of him and I had to turn the radio off yesterday because the music reminded me of him . I still cry every now and then . I know it’s not over I know there will be triggers and setbacks and the upcoming holiday is not at all joyful . But I can tell you that I used family , friends to rely on . Most heavily the first two weeks . It got better with support . I downloaded an app to my phone , which was great by the way , called breakup RX and it reminded me daily to seek some hard truths about myself my ex and our relationship . I started changing my thinking by using it . I also got out , made myself . It was hard because I went shopping and the Christmas music , the couples eating or holding hands and just the joy in general made me uncomfortable and anxious . So I skipped shopping and did most online . But I made sure that the minute I opened my eyes in morning I got busy I got a shower even if I cried while doing it , I got dressed I went to work . I bought new lipstick and I did my hair . When I looked good I felt better . Be kind to yourself , take time to pamper you . Write. Download the app . If you still aren’t making progress see a therapist . I was against it but my employer offers through HR 3 free sessions . You need to look objectively at why it ended , you may face some hard truths . You will feel better though . I am here to help . No one should go at this alone .
Over a year ago I met a Finnish guy on my travels around South-east Asia, what started out as a bit of fun led to a whirlwind romance that brought me to Finland. I was there for almost a year (managed to get myself a job within a week of arriving) we set up home, and I even got a promotion. We were planning on leaving in a couple of months for some new adventures, which had started concerning him, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do these adventures alone to ‘grow up a bit’ and to ‘be free from responsibility’ after weeks of talking through options and constantly agreeing that breaking up would not be one of them, he came home and broke up with me on the spot, left to his parents’ for a few days. I was alone in a foreign country, passportless and unable to even come back to the UK. It was rock bottom for me.
When I finally received my passport back and with all my bags packed, he told of how one day he will marry me, just right now he’s not ready etc. We both cried a lot at the airport and went our seperate ways. Its been a few days and i’ve expressed I needed to refrain from any contact for a little while, to get my head straight… It’s still very raw, very new and i’m okay. I’m 25, I lost my home, my man, my job and quite frankly my best friend. But the world is at my feet (as is it at anyones)
I also feel like i’m on a good wave right now, but long may it stay!
Thanks for the article.
Your strength will make sure you get through this. You have an amazing attitude and taking some space from contact is a good idea. You have been through a difficult time but your insight and courage will make sure your wave keeps rolling along in exactly the right direction.
Writing out “our story” has been SO beneficial for me, it’s helped put things into perspective. I ended up composing over 6,000 words… I feel like I could have doubled that.
“you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”
-Bob Marley
As my head was spinning and the shock set in that he was considering breaking up with me. I didn’t even think or pause I just reacted and took that satisfaction away from him. I ended it. I wish I could remember what I said, but my heart was beating so loudly I couldn’t hear the words that came out of my mouth. I didn’t want or expect that to happen, my hurt heart felt it was backed into a corner and forced to make that painful decision. I wonder now, if he planted that “no kids” talk to force me into making that decision so he didn’t have to make it again.
For the next 24 hours I was in shock – good shock, what I had done hadn’t really settled on me yet. I was functioning! I went out in public and put makeup on. But… this was a false sense of peace.
The next month my heart would twist and moan in endless agony. I would cry myself to sleep countless nights, wake up early to dreams of him, lie awake thinking about good memories, and what I could have done differently. I had been through this before… but previously I had a lifeline of peace that surged through me, however small it was. I couldn’t find that. I wished with all my might that it was all a bad dream, that I’d wake up and be able to run into his arms again. But the waves that forced me to remember, crashed with such force, and at such inopportune times that the first week felt like the ghost of Alexa inhabited my body… I still feel that sometimes. I felt like all the good parts of my heart were miles away and I was just left with the parts that were sick or dying. There were times when my discouragement was so thick I couldn’t even think about tomorrow. Isn’t it strange after an incredible hurt, you feel invincible… or maybe invincible is the wrong word. Maybe its more fearless. After loosing something priceless, you would think that the first instinct would be to batten down the hatches and be fearful of everything, but I felt more like I have nothing to loose. I truly didn’t know this kind of heartache exists, or naively think it would ever happened to me. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
I couldn’t help but feel it was all a terrible mistake. That somehow, there has been some error. But I woke up each day, and each sunrise pulled me farther and farther away from him. I genuinely believed we could get through anything. We had survived a dramatic year of distance, trials and challenges that I believed we came out stronger for. I believed whole heartedly that we could weather anything. Perhaps what was missing was his ability to choose me whole heartedly. I don’t know what it was, when it was, but somewhere along the way he second guessed his initial certainty and allowed me to believe it was still there. Where I believe that struggle incepts strength, maybe he believed that struggle was a sign of weakness.
A breakup feels a lot like drowning. It’s gasping for air -the air the other person provided. It is struggling to force your body to move. It’s a sense of panic and fear that life is slipping away. But at the same time it is a slow realization that you are capable and able to force movement to your limbs. It is the realization that it is possible to push yourself up above the water and grab gasps of air. Each day that pulls you out into the water further is a day that you grow stronger and realize the hidden strength that you have.
Alexa you have written your story so honestly and beautifully. Keep moving forward and growing stronger.
Like everyone else, I am going through an unbelievably hard break up and the pain seems unending. Today makes it 2 weeks we are broken up. I usually never comment on stuff like this but after reading through everyone’s posts, I felt I needed to share. We had known each other through a mutual friend for a couple of years, and had always been attracted to each other. At the time we were more like acquaintances. I was actually engaged during this period. After leaving my ex last January, I pursued him and we eventually started dating. I fell in love, hard. I was never in love with the man I had left. I certainly loved him, but was just not in love. My most recent ex (it still pains me to call him my ex) is in his early 30s, and I was his longest relationship. We were together 9 months. He has not had a serious girlfriend in 6 years. The girls he “dated” and his previous official relationships were done after 3 months, him always being the one to leave them. He has very immature friends who never took a liking to me (or any other girl he’s ever brought around) from the start. I thought we were really in love. He never had a girl sleep over before, I was the first. He never took them around to meet his mom, I was the first in all those years. He used to make comments about is getting married and having children together. He took me to the house he grew up in and around the town he grew up in after not being there for 15 years. We took a couple of trips together. One with friends, one just by ourselves (also something he had never done before with a girl) and we had a blast. He bought me flowers and sent them to my office after claiming he hated flowers and thought they were corny, that he would never buy them for any woman. We were best friends. Talked from morning until night. 2 weeks ago, he decided to first end it due to his own personal issues. He said it was him, not me, and that he hopes I could understand that. We were both sobbing hysterically. He said that I will find someone better than him. He said he did not know why he was never able to say the words “I love you,” to me. Though he had slipped a couple of times and had taken it back or made light of it. His childhood was not easy, but he claims that it does not effect him. We stopped speaking, but I would hear through the grapevine that he was a mess. I would hear he cried every single day, that he missed me, that the thought of me going on a date with someone else drove him insane and would hurt him, but he just didn’t think we were meant to be. Everyone was telling him it was a mistake, that he really better think about this. A couple of days ago, we were texting, he was saying he was going out to distract himself from thinking about me. He said he was not ready to even talk to another girl at this point, and that he was still not over me yet, in his words. Then fast forward to 3 AM and I get a text saying that he has felt deeper feelings and connections with girls he hasn’t been with nearly as long as me, that if he knows that chemistry and feelings exist but not with me, he doesn’t want to wake up one day knowing there is someone else out there that could make him feel all those things that I apparently couldn’t in the same capacity, and didn’t want to waste either of our time. I can’t tell you how much reading that destroyed me. He said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me or have feelings for me, and said it was hard to explain over text. Then when I said I hope he finds someone he can love, he said “well I never said I couldn’t love you.” Very confusing to me. Then he told me to enjoy me next boyfriend, and to use protection. I told him I was a fool for falling in love with him, and thanked him for saying all that and releasing me from my suffering. I lied though, the text has been playing back in my mind over and over and I can’t help but think our entire relationship was a lie. A lie that I fell for. His fb status the next day was something like “a man with nothing to love is free,” and I still don’t understand what that means. I am trying to forget him, but I have never felt pain like this before in my entire life. I hope it eventually gets better.
As much as you are hurting now, it sounds as though this man may have done you a favour. Let me explain why. At the beginning of a relationship, there is a ‘falling in love’ high. This is because powerful neurochemicals – dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin – surge through the body. These neurochemicals are responsible for the exhilaration that comes with falling in love and the drive to focus on that one special person. The part of the brain involved at this part of the process is the same as the part that lights up when a cocaine addict is injected with cocaine. This is why the beginning of a relationship feels euphoric. This doesn’t last forever though – it can’t. At some point, the body starts to develop a tolerance to the neurochemicals that drive the euphoria. When this happens, the love moves into an attachment phase in which endorphins (the feel-good hormones) and the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin bring about the feelings of security and attachment that come with an enduring relationship. The euphoric, exhilarating feelings lift, and attachment and security deepen. This is where the relationship becomes more committed and the love between two people moves to a deeper level.
This is an inevitable part of every relationship if it is going to endure, but some people would rather keep chasing the euphoria of new relationships than let the relationship they are in deepen into a more loving, secure attachment. This may be why you’re getting such confusing messages. You may continue to get mixed messages if he tries to recreate the euphoria.
It sounds as though you had a greater impact on this man than many, but it will always be difficult to go further with someone who is reluctant to let the euphoria deepen into something calmer, but more secure. I know that you are in so much pain at the moment, but you will get through this. You are obviously someone who is warm and generous and able commit to a deeper love. You deserve someone who is capable of giving you the same. You will find this, but first it will take time to adjust to being without him. Be kind to yourself in the meantime – you will find happiness again.
I am married with a 3 year old. We met 4 years ago and within 6 months I had moved from my place of birth where my family live with him was married witnin 3 months and pregnant by month 6. Pretty much since I got pregnant we have been splitting at least several times a month. The communication has been a struggle since very early on and to be honest I had my doubts early on too but it all just happened and I let it in spite of my fears. We constantly feel this pain and resentment uncertainty insecurity but don’t know how to unravel the unkind and vicious ways we have been. It’s like we are both extremely sensitive and defensive but really can’t see each others point of view. Just now he has told me again it is over and he has had enough of me beating him with a stick using him as a punch bag. I think he wants me to beg forgiveness and say how wrong I am to him but mostly, cos it is frequent, I just freeze and think that’s what you do to me too. I feel in a corner and just say ok I will get out of your life then . When do you want me to go? That kind of thing. I have been destructive too throughout the time as I have missed my old life. All I wanted really from him was assurance that I would be able to visit with our daughter a few times a year. I guess I have struggled to let go. I missed my friends and didn’t feel like I would ever find that again in this new area because mainly the people we meet come to stay in our cabin and so although we get on we have to retain sone professionalism. Basically it took me a while to adjust and I found it difficult being just with my partner under his roof. Felt I lost a lot of personal freedom. I never had that much money but now I have zero personal money. Although he does support me we are pretty broke and I don’t feel I can do what I want. Do I sound spoilt? Anyway I have on many occasions packed my bags. Almost daily now..It is really weiRd. It is because he will say how disappointed he is in me and how I treat him so I just think ok what’s the point then. I did leave him a few times but went back thinking that things would be different. I have had many complaints, some have stayed with me and others have gone but the damage has been done really. I do love him but it is hard to love fully when it is so tense most of the time which he says has been created by me. He says I cannot go a few days without being upset with something my perspective is that I never really got the changes I wanted to make and if I had the reassurance that we could afford me to visit family then I would be happy. It has crept up on me consistently throughout our time together. He says that when I am happy it is great and obvious. He believes I am a depressive and should get anti depressants. Sometimes I trust our future together and believe i am in the best place but other times the fear creeps in and I miss my family. The other thing that goes on is that I don’t really feel he is interested in me. When I talk he shows little barely responds sometimes not at all. He says this is because he can’t trust me and describes my behaviour as throwing him a bone. He says I am a bitch. He has said a lot of things. As I have too. He says I have anger issues and can’t blame him for my temper but I feel he has always said really shocking things. Like today when i said my need is to have some money to visit family his response was it is because you are too lazy and frig yourself all the time. (He did apologise quite quickly) I have hardened to these remarks. In the past I was gravely offended . I have never been with someone who speaks like that before.my response to him has been like I hate you you are a c***. Then he would say sorry after it had gone too far but I was so freaked out by his tough northern ways. I’m a soft southerner. I found it hard to forgive him. And always said I wanted out. Anyway now he has labelled me as sone kind of hard bitch who will kick a man when they are down, walk away from communicating and sorting issues and should just gave a cup of tea. I find it hard to reason with him and now don’t bother. We don’t spend any quality time together. He freaked me so much I’m the beginning. Used to say a lot that he was just callin a spade a spade. Says now I’m immature like a teenager. I think now i am in defensive mode all the time. We have no trust. Have no idea how to repair. Anyway. I know technically I’m still here, we are in constant crisis of splitting up. Limbo would be a better place. Don’t know what to do. Know I will have a lot of regrets if and when we do actually make that move. Such a complicated existence we or I have creaTed. So much more to tell and try to make sense of. Thanks for reading.
Louise, this sounds like a relationship that is hurting both of you at the moment. Sometimes it’s not about people separately but about the combination. This combination sounds like a volatile one. It doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed, but it will take an enormous commitment from both of you. The first thing to find out is how much you both want it. Do you each want it as much as the other?
It sounds as though this relationship never really been a safe, loving nurturing one. Sometimes it is lonelier being in a relationship that feels distant and volatile than it is being not in a relationship at all. Just because you love each other, doesn’t mean you are good for each other. Of course, nobody can tell you what is best for you or whether you should stay or leave, but perhaps the next thing for you to do is to seriously consider what you are getting from being in this relationship. What is the cost of staying and what is the cost of leaving? I know these are difficult questions. I wish you love, strength and the courage to do what is best for you.
Louise, I was reading your post and could relate to so much you have said . I am going through a life changing breakup from a man who I was engaged to for 3 years . There were many fears, insecurities, and mistrust between the both of us as well and was toxic to our relationship . In the end he blames me for a lot if it , my fears , my anger, my resentment , my treatment of him poorly which he in the end has me feeling as though I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me . But what I want to tell you is this , I’ve done so much thinking and we can’t just blame ourselves . These men have a part in the ruination of our relationships too. He sounded very controlling . I too was being asked when we got married to leave my family , my kids to uproot from their school , leave my friends . He convinced me to take a work at home job which isolated me and left me more resentful. I found they make us believe what they are doing is somehow better for us or they are being nice but it’s control and when we realize it , it’s too late . Now he has taken my self esteem , because mine too didn’t pay attention to me , barely touched me , but blamed me when I became angry about it . He has me isolated in a career I hate and now he leaves and cites my childish behavior advice arguing all the time and just not being happy as an excuse . He can’t live like that . And I find myself saying ok well I just want your happiness so I’ll let you go . Then I think , what about my happiness , what about your childish behavior , what about your insecurities . To be honest it was toxic just like yours , but it’s not all your fault . I’m sorry if I rambled on but I related so much with your post and want you to see you deserve happiness and to be in control of you . I’m trying , very hard and it’s a painful process . Good luck to you , never forget your worth .
Hey Sigmund,
Thank You for this article!
At the end of April, my husband and I got into a huge fight and he has been away from our home since then. I asked him if he wanted us to divorce but let us do it amicably and he stated no on several occasions. He also stated that he wants his marriage but he has put little to no effort to make it work. He also claimed on several occasions that he would return home but to no avail. He would drop by our home once or twice a month. I kept believing and hoping that my husband would return home and we would work on our marriage. Sleeping at nights are so difficult for me. My daily taughts are consumed with thoughts of my husband. I would also stalked his Facebook page. I have lost about 20 lbs and I donot even regonized me anymore. However, today I said to my self enough is enough. its time for me to move on and find me. He is living his life and it’s time that I do the same. I remove all of the pictures and items of him around the house. I am so looking forward to having a full night of sleep. Funny enough I donot feel anger or hatred towards him. I only want to feel like myself with out thinking or hurting emotionally.
You’re so welcome Penny. It sounds as though you have fought hard to save this relationship, but you can’t do it all by yourself. It’s never easy deciding when to let go and move on, but you sound strong and clear and ready. You deserve better than to be left waiting around on somebody else’s terms. I wish all good things for you.
These comments are so comforting to read, knowing that I’m not the only one to feel like this and that other people have got through it.
My boyfriend woke up one morning last week and told me he doesn’t love me and can’t do it any more. I can’t see a way through this, we’d talked about getting married and having children and I would’ve been happy to spend the rest of my life with him, he treated me like a princess. He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him. I miss every single little thing, his laugh and cooking together every evening and falling asleep in his arms and waking up together. It was so perfect. It’s so hard to understand that whilst you’re so happy, the other person isn’t, it doesn’t make sense.
I’ve been pinning my hopes on staying friends once this is out of the way. We spoke this morning because he called me- he said he needed to talk to me- he wanted to tell me what he’d bought at the weekend and something exciting about work… I asked him if we would ever talk to eachother or see eachother again after I’ve moved out and he said no, he didn’t want to, he doesn’t like spending time with me. I thought maybe that was because the time we were spending together he felt the pressure to act normally in our relationship, but he says not. I’m just confused, how can you want to talk to someone and share little things with them, but never want to see or talk to them again?
I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t eat. The only thing I want to do is sleep because it doesn’t hurt when I sleep but I can’t switch off my head to do that. And when I do, I have dreams about us and that everything is back to normal. I wake up and the pain starts from the beginning again.
I’m now worried that because I got upset on the phone this morning that he won’t want to speak to me again. He says it’s not fair on me but the only thing I want to do is talk to him and see him and hug him and go back to normal but I know we can’t.
I keep thinking if I’d done something differently, what’s so wrong with me, was I so awful to be with? He can’t tell me, he says it’s nothing I did, there’s just not that spark there any more. Why can’t we work at it? I still get butterflies every time I think about him. I understand, I’ve been in his shoes where you just fall out of love.
It was so out of the blue, everything has been fine, he was kissing me and cuddling me the night before and we were ordering eachothers Christmas presents and looking at old photos and videos of us.
I just can’t understand and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had my heart broken before. How do people do this? I don’t want a life without him in it. I want him to be happy but I don’t want him to be without me. It’s been a week and I still feel exactly the same. Every time I get in the car I just want someone to crash into me. I want to skip through the next 6 months and just be okay and not hurting like this. How can he be getting on with his daily life when I feel like this. I cry to the point I can’t breathe and it feels like I’m on the outside watching myself.
Please help me.
This sounds so confusing for you. It’s really normal to wonder what you could have done differently and to blame yourself, but it sounds as though he is on a different path to you. It’s so painful when the person you love starts heading in a different direction but when this happens, it’s really not about you. If he says it was nothing you did, believe him. He would have nothing to lose by telling you differently. The truth is that he probably doesn’t understand it himself. You will feel this way for a while because you are adjusting to a new normal. He’s in a different place to you and it’s so painful when that happens – I really get it, I’ve been through it myself – but in time you will be okay. Breakups are devastating and it can feel like you can’t ever imagine being happy again, but you will be. In the meantime, spend time with people who care about you, even if you don’t feel like it. Force yourself to do something for yourself every day. Go for a walk, connect with people who care about you, even if you don’t feel like it. Buy new pjs and give you room a big of a reno – get rid of the things that remind you of him. I think it’s always difficult being friends for a while after a breakup. The problem is that you will always want more, and it will be really hard to let go as long as you feel like that. It will just prolong the pain. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends one day, but you need to give yourself the time and space to adjust to things without him. It will be agonising for a few weeks, but you’ll slowly find a way to be okay without him. If it reaches a point where you feel as though you can see him or speak to him without wanting to be with him, then you will be in a position to be friends with him without him having so much potential to hurt you. As long as you stay friends with him, you’ll be checking your phone, your messages, your social media – it will send you crazy. Let him go for a little while – it doesn’t have to be forever – just until being with him doesn’t hurt so much and send you into ‘what if’. You’ll get through this – you sound warm and open and wonderful – you really will be okay.
That’s great advice Karen. Sometimes it just takes time and lots of self care to get through it. I agree with the no contact as you just re-live everything. But one day you wake up and it’s not as painful as it once was. One day you can look back and remember the good times. That’s when you’ve started to heal.
Thank you for this article.
I was engaged to be married in February. We have a son. We have been together for almost 3 years, known each other for 5, and have lived together for almost 2 years. One day, he decided having a “wife” and son was too much responsibility. He moved to his home state of Arizona (we are in Washington) and he said he’s not looking back. I thought I was going crazy with how much pain I was in. Glad to know there is an actual science behind it, as well as others going through it!
This sounds so painful and confusing and awful for you. I can’t imagine the pain you would be feeling, but even though the situation doesn’t make any sense at all, the pain you are feeling certainly does given what has happened. Your body, mind and spirit are trying to adjust to a new normal. This will take time but you will get through this. I wish much love and comfort to you and your son.
A little over year after my high school sweetheart died, I met this guy. We hit it off quite well. 6 months later we moved in together, maybe too soon but it was financially best for us both at the time. Downside: he was newly divorced with a 3 year old. We worked through that for the most part. His ex couldn’t stand me. We couldn’t get along or even be within 30 ft of each other for a while. Finally after 2 years we were civil since she had a new bf. At this point we had my sister and grandmother staying with us as well which put a strain on us. July.of this year the ex and bf had a huge blowout and he beat her for the 3rd time -_-. And my bf spent the whole day with her. I just got a “sorry ” when my dad had died. August he decided we had to part ways and we moved out as fast as we could. Since then he wants to go back to being friends first, of course with benefits. But his ex wife is over with their daughter every weekend and he says it’s good for the kid(7yrs old) and that they’re back to being best friends since I’m not around. But if it really was best for her, the ex would’ve gotten over hate for me and do what’s best for her kid. But no one sees that nothing she does is for her child. I feel like I’ve been replaced and just being used for his convenience. I love him to death even if he doesn’t return it to me and I’m at a loss. Idk if I’m coming or going. It’s been so long since I’ve had to start over. And it’s been forever since I’ve really let anyone in. I am very jealous and overbearing and he says that’s what pushed me away. I’ve always been like that. After 25 years I can’t change. And apparently men don’t like jealous women. So do I stick around and get attention from the one I love even if it is in vain? Or do I wander earth alone wishing for the impossible man that will accept my every flaw?
Blended families can be really difficult – there’s so much history and emotion involved. It sounds as though this relationships brings out your jealousy, which is really understandable given the circumstances. It sounds like a confusing relationship. Some relationships can bring jealousy out in the most secure people. It’s a bit about who you are to begin with and a bit about the combination of you and your partner.
As long as you are in a relationship that isn’t able to give you what you need, the relationship that can be good for you will struggle to find you.
It sounds as though you are scared of letting go of this relationship, even though it isn’t able to give you what you need. What is this relationship giving to you? If it happened quickly after your first relationship, it may be that it did something to fill the enormous gap that was left there when your high school sweetheart died. Staying with someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved is a heavy price to pay to protect yourself from loneliness or unfinished grief, or whatever it is that it is protecting you from.
We all have our flaws, but in the right relationship, the flaws won’t matter. You can find this relationship – absolutely you can – but not while this man is taking up that precious space in your life. It sounds as though you are really aware of your flaws, and even though some of them you might not be able to get rid of completely, once you’re aware of them you can act more deliberately and stop them from getting in the way as much.
It sounds as though you know that you won’t get the love you want from this man. I know you say you love him, but do you love him or what he represents to you, such as relief from grief and loneliness? I don’t know. That’s something for you to think about but it’s an important question. You deserve to be loved and there will be someone who will accept you for who you are and who will bring out the very best in you. That person might not love your flaws, but he will love you enough for your flaws not to matter. He won’t find you though if this other man is in the way. Decide what you deserve – it’s important because nobody else will decide that for you. You sound strong and vibrant and wonderful. I understand you are hurting now, but don’t let that confuse you and make you think that this man is better than no man at all. Having no relationship may be deeply painful at first, especially if it takes you back into your grief, but at least you will be able to move forward – and you will move forward. Staying in a relationship that hurts you will always hurt you. I understand that it’s been forever since you let someone in, but you don’t have to let someone new in all at once. Just be open to something wonderful happening to you, then be brave enough to organise your life so that it can. I wish you courage, light and love.
One of the things that leapt out was that your boyfriend “beat” his ex. If he has done that to her perhaps you will be the next. It is truly awful being in a relationship where you are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return. You are not getting any emotional support when you need it. We all have needs in this life and perhaps this guy isn’t the one for you. I know it’s tough to start again but do you really want to spend the rest of your days filled with drama? You deserve better. Good luck!
This article has come at the exact right time for me. My boyfriend of one year decided to just wake up one day and not love me anymore. After a little bit of a rocky few days together he decides to be the cruelest man by saying “my personality and the way I share my emotions disgusts him” and “he can only take me in small doses.” We spent the year so much in love and so intamately connected that I am worried I’ll never find someone I connect with like that again. We called each other our soulmates and planned on getting engaged within the next year. How can someone just decide to wake up and not love you anymore after so long and a planned future together? There were definitely red flags pointing to cheating but when I brought them up he assured me there was nothing to be worried about. I kept an eye out but I would never snoop or invade his privacy so I ignored them. No woman wants to look like a crazy jealous girlfriend. It sounds to me like he found someone new and wants to pursue that and was being a villain and using what he used to love about my personality against me. I honestly don’t know how to continue on living. My entire life has drastically changed and I have no control over it. It feels like someone ripped my heart and lungs out of my chest, ran them over and put them back in and expected me to go on living. I haven’t eaten or slept in three days and I am so lost. This article and these comments make me not feel so alone and that someone out there knows the pain and suffering I am going through now.
All breakups are awful, but this sounds like a really hurtful way for him to breakup with you. You deserve better than this. You can have more than one soulmate, and soulmates can change over time depending on where we are in our lives. This man may have been important and right to you at a particular period of your life, but that doesn’t mean he will be right forever. People change, we all do, and sometimes the relationships we’re in don’t change with us. It sounds as though this man has changed a lot but doesn’t have to change what you had. If you felt as though what you had was real and beautiful then it was. For whatever reason though, your paths are different now. His bends away from yours. It hurts, but it’s okay – you’ll be okay. Let him go and give yourself time to heal so that you can be open to whatever good things are coming to you – and they will come to you, often unexpectedly. Be patient and kind to yourself. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get through this and you’ll come through beautifully – stronger, wiser, braver.
been trying really hard to let go of my ex girlfriend. We were together about 2 years. Then she kicked me out and was with someone else. I let her go the first time the beginning of the summer. I did stupid things but she was still there. Now she wants nothing to do with me and calls me annoying for trying to talk to her. I’m just so broken.
Two years is a long time so it will take time to feel as though the pain of not having her has passed – but it will. I really understand why you want to keep talking to her, but the best thing for you is to take some space and to give that to her. You need time to recover and heal. You have to know that nothing that is meant for you will pass by you. If you take the space and she is there, then great. If she is not, then that’s okay too. What that will mean is that this relationship will have done what it needed to do for both of you, and one of those things is to bring you the wisdom, growth and lessons that are readying you for an even more nurturing and enriching love. Give the time some time. Be patient and kind to yourself, and give you and your ex girlfriend the space to heal. Take the time to get heal, strengthen and grow, and know that the love you are looking for will find you when you’re ready.
There are so many highs and lows in my life right now, but him leaving me tops the list of lows. He said I didn’t have anything to worry about, that he wasn’t planning on breaking up with me. But this morning that’s exactly what he did.
I cried, and cried, and despite promising myself I’d never do it, I begged him to stay, and not to break up with me. I told him I couldn’t handle it, that I didn’t know if I could make it through. He said he would be there for me, and help me get through…how can I move on if he’s still my support? I have so many logistical things to take care of, like moving out of our apartment, quitting my job, and settling somewhere new. Problem is, I can’t even think straight to make these decisions.
I guess that’s the thing about heartbreak – the one you want to run to for help is the one carving holes in your heart.
Yes, not being able to run to the person you want to run to is one of the worst thing about having your heart broken. I understand how lonely this can feel and I’m sorry you’re feeling this pain. It sounds as though there are a lot of practicalities you have to work through. Be kind to yourself along the way. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes. Give yourself time to adjust to your new normal. I wish love and strength for you.
I’m currently going through a break up and trying to deny it doesn’t hurt so bad, I’ve done this before, and that I’m stronger than I think but it’s extremely tough. It was almost 7 months and to many chances giving yet there was no cheating but emotionally he wasn’t there. Other times he was he was perfect but somethings were missing. Was I expecting too much? Because with my other ex of 3 years that was torture I was crying in my moms bed for 4 nights in a row. This time is different I still ache though. And want to make it work but I expect him to be perfect. I don’t know what to do and how else can I heal this pain quicker, help.
Breakups are awful aren’t they. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds as though you have a lot of insight and wisdom into things you can do differently in relationships you have in the future. Exploring what you can do differently takes an amazing amount of courage, especially when you’re still raw and heartbroken, but it’s important because when you do differently, different things will happen. You’re already closer to the person you need to be to invite the love into your life that you deserve. In the meantime, it will take time for your body to make the emotional and physical adjustment. I know it feels awful, but spend time with people who care about you, be kind to yourself and give the time some time. Wishing you love and comfort as you heal.
Hey Karen, I guess the key is learning from our experiences and having the courage to change. It is not always easy but definitely worth the work. Thanks for your words of encouragement <3
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karenyoung_heysigmund
Remember the power of ‘AND’.
As long as they are actually safe:
They can feel anxious AND do brave.
They can feel like they aren’t ready for brave, AND be ready brave.
They can wish to avoid AND they can stay (or not be taken home).
They can be angry, anxious, and push us away AND we can look after them through the feelings without avoiding the brave/ new, hard/ important.
We can wish for their anxiety, anger, sadness to be gone AND we can be with them without needing them to be different.
We can believe them (that they are anxious, scared, angry) AND believe in them (that they are capable).
When we hold their anxiety AND their capacity for brave, in equal measure and with compassion, we can show them that their anxiety doesn’t cancel their brave.♥️
Oct 7
karenyoung_heysigmund
These stickers or temporary tattoos are go anywhere cheerleaders for their brave - because being brave is hard sometimes! Available as packs of 12 individual tattoos or stickers.
Of course, tattoos and stickers are much handier if there is something special to hold them in. Oh, I hear you - and I’ve got you … enter the Hey Warrior tin to store them in (or treasure, or wishes, or snacks, or promises that they’ll clean their room - for especially big negotiations). Because truly - is there even such a thing as too much storage? No. Pffft. Of course not.
Now, of course, they’re all my favourites for equal amounts of time, but let me tell you about the hug tattoo and the hug sticker ...
These little stunners are for hugs on demand. If you’ve ever heard me speak about separation anxiety, you’ll know that one way we can ease it is to bring the idea of a child’s loved person closer. But how? Hug tattoos and hug stickers is how!
The idea is to load the hug tattoo or sticker with hugs - as many as they need to last all day, or lots of days, or until breakfast. Whenever they miss you, they can give their tattoo or sticker a squeeze and wrap themselves in one or forty of those hugs you’ve put in there.
They can also put their hugs in a tattoo or a sticker for you (or your phone, your water bottle - you get the idea). Remind them that whenever they think of you during the day, it’s because you’re using one of the hugs they’ve loaded up for you.
The hug tattoos and stickers have been tested and re-tested for ‘volume holdability’, and the conclusion, established through rigorous testing, (because non-rigorous testing would kind of make it a ‘guess’ which would be pointless), is that they can hold heaps of hugs, times a thousand, plus one - because when we’re talking about hugs there’s always room for one more, but I know you know that.
Available separately (12 pack of individual stickers; 12 pack of temporary tattoos; or the Hey Warrior tin) or save 20% with a bundle.♥️
Click on the link in the bio or here to buy or for more info https://www.heysigmund.com/shop/
Oct 7
karenyoung_heysigmund
Validation is a presence, not a speech.
It doesn’t mean you’re being permissive, or rewarding ‘bad’ behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’re saying the storm is okay. It’s a way of handling the storm and offering a safe passage through it, without judgement, shame, isolation.
Think about the times your big feels have taken over. Has it ever worked ever, in the history of forever, for someone to tell you to calm down, or shut you down, or manage you. Nope. Not for me either.
Because when we’re in big feels, we don’t need to be managed, we need to be seen. We don’t do or say the rubbish things we do because we don’t know the rules of social engagement, or because we haven’t had enough consequences, or because we think these things are okay. In fact, we’re not thinking at all. We do these things because in that moment, we don’t have the resources to do differently.
Validation is a way of adding resources, through relationship. It’s a strong, loving presence that sends the message, ‘Bring your feelings to me. I can take care of you through this. And I can keep you and everyone including you safe along the way.’
Of course even during a storm we need to hold boundaries to keep everyone safe (them, you, others), but let these be loving - hold the boundary, add warmth. ‘Yes, this is big. I want to hear you. (Relationship) No I won’t listen when you speak like that. When you can speak in a way I can hear, then we can talk (boundary). You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship)
The might be a need for repair, learning, or talking about what’s happened, but during the storm isn’t that time.
We can’t reason with someone in big feels because the thinking brain, the part than can think rationally, logically, plan, think through consequences, make deliberate decisions, is locked out for a bit. This happens to all of us. It’s why we all do or say things that aren’t great when we’re in big feelings.
We can’t stop a storm once it’s storming, but we can offer a safe passage through it. This is what validation does. It a safe passage to a place of calm and connection, where you can have the influence and the conversations that will be growthful.♥️
Sep 26
karenyoung_heysigmund
The need for attention is instinctive.
We all need to be seen because that is how we stay safe. Attention is a need - a physiological, relational, instinctive need.
If attention is something we have to work for, or if it only happens when we’re ‘noticeable’ (as in demanding it, yelling for it, disappearing ourselves) our nervous systems will try to find a way back to safety by making ourselves visible. Brains would always rather be seen in a bad way, than not be seen at all - because being unseen is unsafe.
This isn’t a ‘kid’ thing. It’s a ‘human’ thing. Attention needing behaviour happens in our adult relationships too. If there isn’t enough play, joy, affection, we start to make ourselves noticeable. This might look like little verbal ‘swipes’, criticism, arguments, snaps. Ugh. We’ve all been there.
The mistake we’ve been making is tangling the need for attention with the need to be the centre of attention.
If a child’s behaviour is inviting (demanding?) attention, it’s because they are needing attention. The need is valid, even if the behaviour is a little (a lot?!) messy. All of us can struggle with niceties when our needs are screaming at us from the inside of us.
Of course you see them, love them, and would do anything for them. This isn’t about that - it’s about them feeling you enjoying them, seeking them out. It’s about them feeling the abundance of you - so much caring there are leftovers that they can tuck away for rainy days.
Sometimes of course there are just too many rainy days. Even as the most loving, attentive, devoted parents though, we get busy, distracted, stressed. That’s so okay and so normal! But it might mean our kiddos feel start to feel the absence of us a teeny bit. They won’t tell us they miss us. They’ll show us.
Of course we need to hold strong loving boundaries, but what can you add in to let them see that you enjoy them, miss them, like them.
Microconnections matter. Think of the difference it makes to you when someone shows you in teeny ways - a comment, a noticing, a seeking out of you - that they see you, even when they don’t have to. It’s oxygen.♥️
Sep 25
karenyoung_heysigmund
I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal.
However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way.
Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won’t do this perfectly, because we can’t always know what mountains they’ll need to climb, or what dragons they’ll need to slay. We won’t always know what they’ll need, and we won’t always be able to give it. We don’t need to. But we’ll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won’t. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting.
We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It’s worth every second - every second - but it’s tough.
Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it.
Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don’t need to be perfect, and wont need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us.
Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let’s not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️
Sep 2
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