Breakups are emotional roller coasters. Actually that’s not true. If a breakup was anything like a roller coaster the end would be visible from the start, you could say ‘no thanks’ to the ride and at the end of it, for a hefty sum the memory could be savoured forever with a flimsy cardboard-framed photo.
Breakups are are more like being under a roller coaster.
Before we knew the science we knew the feeling, and used words associated with physical pain – hurt, pain, ache – are used describe the pain of a relationship breakup. Now we know why. The emotional pain of a breakup and physical pain have something in common – they both activate the same part of the brain
Brain scans of people recently out of a relationship have revealed that social pain (the emotional pain from a breakup or rejection) and physical pain share the same neural pathways.
In one study, 40 people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup had their brains scanned while they looked at pictures of their exes and thought about the breakup. As they stared at the photos, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up.
[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]
As explained by researcher Ethan Kross, ‘We found that powerfully inducing feelings of social rejection activate regions of the brain that are involved in physical pain sensation, which are rarely activated in neuroimaging studies of emotion.’
He continues, ‘These findings are consistent with the idea that the experience of social rejection, or social loss more generally, may represent a distinct emotional experience that is uniquely associated with physical pain.’
In further support of the overlap between physical and social pain, Tylenol (an over the counter medication for physical pain) has been shown to reduce emotional hurt.
Research has found that people who took Tylenol (an over-the-counter medication for physical pain) for three weeks reported less hurt feelings and social pain on a daily basis than those who took a placebo.
The effect was also evident in brain scans. When feelings of rejection were induced, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up in participants who didn’t take Tylenol. Those who took Tylenol showed significantly less activity in that part of the brain.
Nobody is suggesting that the broken hearted turn to pain medication to reduce their lean towards Kleenex, Baskin-Robbins and repeated viewings of Love Actually. Long term use will cane the liver. Somebody else is waiting to fall in love with you, but you and your liver have to stay friends forever.
The Physical Side of a Broken Heart
The human brain loves love. Being in love takes the lid off the happy hormones, dopamine and oxytocin, and the brain bathes in the bliss. But when the one you love leaves, the supply of feel good hormones takes a dive and the brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine.
[irp posts=”1042″ name=”Letting Go: How to Master the Art”]
In small doses, stress hormones are heroic, ensuring we respond quickly and effectively to threat. However in times of long-term distress such as a broken heart, the stress hormones accumulate and cause trouble. Here’s what’s behind the physical symptoms of a breakup:
- Too much cortisol in the brain sends blood to the major muscle groups. They tense up ready to respond to the threat (fight or flight). However, without real need for a physical response the muscles have no opportunity to expend the energy.
Muscles swell, giving rise to headaches, a stiff neck and that awful feeling of your chest being squeezed.
- To ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system.
This can cause tummy trouble such as cramps, diarrhea or appetite loss.
- When stress hormones run rampant, the immune system can struggle, increasing vulnerability to bugs and illnesses.
Hence the common ‘break-up cold’.
- There is a steady release of cortisol.
This might cause sleep problems and interfere with the capacity to make sound judgements
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Breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction.
Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it’s hard to function – you ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and can’t get him/her out of your head. Like any addiction, this will pass.
In a relationship, your mind, your body and the core of you adjust to being intimately connected someone. When that someone leaves, the brain has to readjust. The pain can be relentless but eventually the body chemistry will change back to normal and the hurt will diminish.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier. Keep going. You’ll get there.
I’ve just broken up with my short term boyfriend of 12 months and I know it’s probably for the best but I still love him. I left my husband of 28years to be with him and he left his long term partner. In the last eight months I’ve relocated to be with him, rented a house for twelve months and have been doing all the running. In the early months of our relationship he wrote me letters, told me constantly that he loved me but something changed a couple of months ago, he changed. We started arguing, he was quite selfish and more importantly he’s paid for absolutely nothing other than a couple of meals. I’ve paid for weekends away, holidays even the rent on the house we were staying in. I asked him to leave the house for a second time and this time I know it’s for good. Even though his names on the rental agreement he hasn’t even mentioned that’s he responsible also so I don’t think he’ll be paying any of the remainder of the rent either. I’m now now in a City where the only person I know is him. Please someone bring me to my senses and tell me I’ve done the right thing and make my hurt go away.
Veronica it sounds as though in your heart, you know you have done the right thing. Letting go of relationships is always difficult, even if the relationship isn’t a good one. It’s completely understandable that you feel sad and confused and lonely. You gave up a lot to be with him. Some relationships don’t show their true colours until there are bills, the normal issues that come with living together, and the routines of everyday life. You have seen the man he is when he is in a relationship with you. This isn’t the person you want for a long term partner. The man you fell in love with sounds as though he is someone who only existed in those easy, euphoric, early days of the relationship. Give yourself time. There is amazing strength in you and you will heal from this with a new strength and wisdom.
I was with my ex for 5 years on and off! His reason is I’m too much for him (meaning he is very to himself and I love to hang out with him) granted a lot of our relationship lately was long distance. Every bit of it was amazing and yes I still love him but I am mentally a bit broken. It didn’t seem like he trusted me so I started doubting myself and felt the need to disclose everything! I keep having replaying thoughts of my past (stupid things that make me feel guilty whether it was a lie or more) and they will not stop. I had horrible anxiety during it and right before because I feel like my brain is distracting me from the pain but idk what to do…. I am so sorry for my poor family dealing with me now because I feel so guilty about stupid things from the past. Ugh I just want my brain to shut up lol. Any advice??
Take some space to figure out what you really need and whether this relationship is loving, nurturing and makes you feel good more than it makes you feel bad. Be kind to yourself and let yourself be strong again. Take the time. Don’t run back into the chase with this relationship – that may be acting on habit and not necessarily the right thing for you. Spend time with people who care about you, find things you love doing and that make you feel good. Let this time be for you to strengthen and heal.
Thank you!! I know it is not good for me mentally and have been able to not talk to him really. I just want him to be happy and is an amazing guy honestly!! And for me to be treated the way I should be. It’s all mental and my brain is distracting me by causing anxiety over stupid things. Thank you I appreciate Your help, this is the strongest I’ve felt in a while and just have to find myself again:)
Hello, here is the thing me and my husband have been together for 6 years we dated 3 years and we’ve been married 3 years now. I moved from my country to his and left my family thinking it would be okay I am 21 years old now and for the past 3 years of marriage. I came here to UK and I started from scratch studies, part time job and everything. And lately my body has been so tired first year was okay second year was hell. And third year is in between. So he is 27 but he is so immature at first we had a lot in common but now we don’t have any he likes to go out a lot and he is always either at work or with his friends, we never go out together alone if we go out alone is for a walk. He is obsessed with gym and has been bugging me about my body and that I need to work on it. The problem is am either at work or studying, am always stressed out financially as my family has left and I have no income except for my part time job and am still at college to get a serious one which is full time. so 3 weeks ago his friend came to stay over and he told me about it after he has told his friend it was okay!! Which was kinda annoying. I knew that he has got friends and they are always at our place even on weekends and he knows that it is our only time to actually have days off together. The sex has been not good lately too. I mean I have my own flaws too I don’t do house work or pay rent or cook and stuff but it’s all because at the end of the day am too tired to do this but lately I’ve been thinking if he has been treating me good would I been different ? Or always stressed and emotionally down. Especially that I don’t have a shoulder to lean on. I’ve been thinking for the future cause am not sure if this relationship will last. But am so so so afraid of breaking up, what if I discovered I still
Love him and I was wrong, what if I’ll feel lonely am not sociable and my family members are not here to stick with me and I can’t go back to my country cause I have a refugee statues in England so I can’t settle anywhere my family is. Afraid of being lonely and not getting along with anyone and am not the type that goes out and stuff parties and etc.. Because I hate crowded places and always feel insecure about my body and stuff and always tired from work I am afraid of hurting him and breaking him down if we break up too. what if I actually was the bad one in this relationship and no one will love me or I won’t find someone who will.
I need help an advice maybe.
firstly…love and believe in yourself. you are so young to get hung up on what he, others think of you or how they love you. you are smart, inquisitive and want to grow…so go for it. you do not need another to help you get there. i too and am going through a painful breakup transition. I have my strong days and my weak, vulnerable days – it’s needed as a human being and acceptable for processing. i know in my mind and heart he is not the one for me, he is not what i need and want. we have been together for 12 years…many magic moments, but they no longer need to be the connection. it’s like an addiction, you want it so bad, but its bad for you. let’s work together to move beyond and embrace a new chapter in life where we are fulfilled and happy and healthy…the new model of the modern woman – we put ourselves in safe, inspiring, happy situations to excel from…flow.
My boyfriend just broke up with me last week on his birthday. We’ve been dating for 2.5 years and everyone thought we were a great couple. His reason of breaking up with me was that he’s getting fustrated of dating me because we could see each other only once a week and have very limited time. He said his feelings for me are gone for the past year. And he says he wants to focus on his Bachelor degree and have no interest in new relationships. However, his friend told me that he started talking to a new girl. He has told everyone that he no longer have feelings for me but for the 2.5 years that we dated i never felt like he’s faking it. I would always get his morning calls and good night texts and sweet messages. Same goes to me, i’ve gave him 110% of me for everything he wants to do. I supported him through thick and thin and now he broke up with me out of no where and i’m really hurt and having a hard time to get over it.
Well I just got out of a seven year relationship more then 2 and half months ago. I still have feelings for him and he has moved on already. I feel like I am getting my heart rip out over and over again. I still live with him and his dad because I don’t want to move back in with my family because I don’t want to be in a different stressful situation. I have depression and anxiety so this feels a lot worse and it’s more pain the I can handle.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year today. It is the absolute worst feeling. We were dating long distance and he did all the traveling (12 hours) here to see me. He was and still is amazing. He would take care of my kids, support me in whatever I needed and was so loving. In April he had some huge financial losses, I got sick and was on some medication with terrible side effects of mood swings and rage, he got sick. Long story short, we weren’t able to reconnect. We tried to call each other daily and connect and it was always good when we did. But I began to feel him distancing himself and being more and more unavailable (due to work, hanging out with friends, etc..) I threatened to leave him. Then I found out that he was on multiple dating and hookup apps. We tried to talk about it and I threatened to leave multiple times but I always end up calling him back. He never apologized, just kept saying that I was trying to leave him so he needed to find somebody else. This week he was able to stabilize himself financially and told me that: “I’m here now.” Then I found out that he has an estranged wife of 9 years in a foreign country that he never bothered to divorce. 8 YEARS this woman has been waiting for him to send the divorce documents. I connected with her and told him that I did and he went ballistic. Said that I went too far and we were finally done. The pain is so bad. But more so is the feeling that he gave up on us without even trying to be honest, up front and work through the problems that we have. I am sympathetic to the distance and that sooooo much happened in the past 4 months but I feel betrayed because he literally became my best friend and I want to work on it. I’m even moving closer to him within the next few months but he says it’s over and I’m just hurting right now.
Me and my ex has been dating almost a year he is going to Afghanistan for 12 months we broke up because he said he is just not in the state of mind right now he has had already to failed long distance relationships so I fear he is doubting me but after the break up everything still felt normal we did everything just the same I still knew we were broken up but a couple days ago he told me he couldn’t do this and he thought that we were back in a relationship….. I’m confused because of someone tell you that this isn’t what they want how could they think their in a relationship???? I feel that he wants to be with me but he is scared of the separation he also said that wen he was confused he didn’t feel bad? So what do that even mean? What do I do?
Sounds like you’re confused about what he wants. He might be too. The only way to find clarity is to talk to him about it. A talk will be good for both of you.
My ex and I were together for about 5 months. It was a short relationship but it meant everything to me . We practically lived together and even decided to sign up to lease an apartment. We argued about minor issues but seemed to get over them. Eventually the arguing continued and just worsen. Towards the end of the relationship I could tell we were drifting apart but I still wanted us to work. She broke up with me through text telling me she wasn’t happy. We decided to talk the next day in person about the break up and decided that we were too young for the intensity and hopefully down the line we will get back together . We began hanging out again and even hooking up but I started to see a different side of her . We were all teammates and had the same circle of friends. I started to notice that she was flirting with another teammate of ours and eventually found out they were a thing. We broke up in April and I found out they were dating in June. I don’t know why I can’t get over this? Why my mind is constantly on the two? I’m extremely nervous and fearing going back to college and seeing them, we live in the same apartment complex and I am dreading the fact of moving in and could face legal issues because of it . I am afraid I would go back into a deep depression, where I am not eating, hardly sleeping and constantly crying . Any thoughts? I feel hopeless.
Danielle it sounds as though this breakup is still fairly new. It doesn’t matter how long you were together – when you really care about someone breakups are painful regardless. It’s always difficult to imagine someone you want to be with, being with someone else. It sounds like that is a big part of your struggle. This is why it’s hard to stay friends with someone straight after a breakup – you really need that distance between you to readjust to them having a different place in your life. You will be okay but you need to be really deliberate about what you do. You have to force yourself to go at at least once a day, exercise (because it balances out the chemicals in your brain that can contribute to depression), sleep, find things to do that you love, spend time with people who care about you. You probably won’t feel like doing any of these things for a while, which is why you’ll have to force yourself. This will keep your physical and mental health in check and will help you heal quicker. If you see them together, stand tall and act as though you’re okay. Fall apart when you get back to your room if you need to, but act okay and eventually you’re body and your brain will believe it. I know it hurts, but you will be okay. Love and healing to you.
I recently ended things with my long term boyfriend. We had known each other for 7 years, and dated for nearly 6.5 years. During the first year of our relationship I had this gut feeling that I needed to check his phone, and I never ever went through his phone. I caved and found texts and sexually provocative pictures of his ex. I told him I needed a break, and not even a few days later took him back. I felt so deeply in love that I couldn’t imagine myself without him. I had hoped time would heal my pain, and the hurt I felt from that betrayal. It never went away, I was jealous with every interaction he had with any female. I was weary of him using his phone etc. We had an amazing relationship, he treated me well, he loved me for me, and we did get along well. We had been through some financial difficulties for awhile, and some of his financial choices eroded some of my feelings for him. He would buy cigarettes and weed before buying groceries, and one time we didn’t have food for our cats, but he had his needs met. We started to drift apart, and I know that shouldn’t end a relationship, and it didn’t. I found some cam models on his snap chat, that he had been receiving messages from. That was it, that was the line. I knew I could no longer trust him, and if I didn’t trust him what was the point? When would I get tired? Now or five years from now? I ended the relationship, we talked a week later and I was able to see how much he cared and loved me. That was the man I fell for, so I said we could talk more about our relationship. I was aware that after the breakup he went on a movie date with a girl, but after we had that conversation which I leaned towards getting back together, I saw he was liking her pictures on Instagram. AFTER our talk. I realized that even though I loved him with every bit of me, it wasn’t right. I’m so so heart broken, I am in such emotional pain and turmoil. I can’t concentrate, I can’t hold conversations, I’m so depressed. I love him, but I know I can’t have him. This is the worst… I just want to stop feeling this way.
Mary I’m sorry you’re going through this. The pain does end, I promise. In the meantime, be kind to yourself – sleep, exercise and spend time with people who care about you. Love and healing to you.
I was with my ex for about four years. I took a placement 6 /7 hours travel away from her and it really put a strain on the relationship. Although I didnt pay much attention to it at the time, the financial crisis hit at this point, and the atmosphere at work became terrible (lots of redundencies). During this time, I really noticed that I noticed attention from women. I felt so terribly as a norm that the slightest attention made me feel amazing. Long story short, I was unfaithful. I was honest about the whole thing from the very start and so asked for a break. Amazingly she took me back. Then of course I did it again! Even weirder was that she didnt break up with me! I was so ashamed that I again asked for a break, I felt like I needed to earn my way back and I thought that learning to be faithful, alone, yet asking nothing back from her, would do it. So we took a break . But during the break circumstance got in the way and there was no opportunity to see her. At this point, my entire social network broke down and we drifted even further apart (not out of choice). People moved away, family and friends were busy and unavailable. From the stress and the break up I began suffering from severe insomnia, anxiety and depression. I wished so much to speak with her but communication between us faded. I got into a situation where if I call her, it’d push her away, so I waited. And waited. Basical enough time passed for me to realize that she had moved on. That and I found out that she was with someone. I can only describe the feeling of loss and grief I experienced following our break up as similar to the feeling that one might experience from a loved one dying. Yet it was somehow worse. For a long time I was quite unable to get any closure. Even now its difficult to bear, nearly 9 years later. She’s married, and Im in a happily committed relationship, yet I still think about her everyday. On occasions, I noticethat I still feel a profound sense of loss, as though a part of me is (still) missing. Tonight I can’t sleep for the general ache I feel in my chest. I think that some people we just don’t get over. Perhaps it is useful for others in here, but during the years of insomnia, anxiety and depression, the thing I learnt gave me most comfort was believing that she was happy where ever she was. The ability to unconditional love someone has certainly been a blessing that has helped me process loss overy the years, and nother jus the loss of my ex. I suspect that the main reason I feel so terrible this evening is because I recently had the opportunity to speak with my ex (she pointed out that it was about the fourth time we’ve spoken in 8 years), and she indicated that she wasn’t that happy, and that she’d missed me/was interested in me. I was overwhelmed with both happiness and a profound sense of agony at learning this. I think that neither of us have really had closure. The breakdown of communication has really left things (feelings) up in the air. It’s my intention to really talk things out and get that closure. I want to open up a proper dialogue with her, see her more often, and diffuse these underlying tensions now that there seems to be an opportunity to do it. I just don’t know whether that would be the same type of unfaithful as before, or if I’d damage my ex’s relationship somehow. Neither of which I particularly want. That said, I love her, and it’s clear that she loves me, is it wrong to want to tell her that? As a rule, I believe it is never wrong to tell someone something so positive, especially when it’s unconditional. I also would think that if my partner, or her partner, could truly understand how I felt, and the history behind it, and what it means to me, they’d entirely understand. My fear is that I go back to the insomnia, anxiety and depression, I just can’t figure out what will make that more likely – seeing her and speaking with her more or doing so less? Thoughts?
All relationships become familiar after a while and the initial passion and excitement fades. It changes into a deeper, more secure love. During this time, it is easy to crave the excitement of an old love, or a new one. This doesn’t mean the relationship you are in is any less, but that you have adapted in such a way that the excitement has worn off. This must have happened previously in your old relationship too, which is perhaps why you craved the excitement of new loves. You sound as though you have a lot of wisdom, and I can hear how your heart aches for what you had. There are so many people who could be hurt here. What I would say is don’t make this a choice between her or your current partner. Your old love will probably win because of the excitement she represents. Remember though, that relationship also had its problems but over time, the bad memories often fade and the good ones strengthen. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a healthy relationship now, but it is something to take into account. Your first decision has to be about your current relationship. Either it’s right for you or it isn’t. If it’s right for you, don’t risk it by chasing what was. It it isn’t the relationship you want for the rest of your life, end it cleanly before considering your next move. At the moment, the comparison you are making is unfair to your current partner. It is difficult for your partner to compete with the excitement of old memories and what could be. Remember, your old relationship also had its problems at the time. Just something to think about. All the best with your decision.
Hello everyone. Here’s my story: we had been dating for a little under a year. Things weren’t perfect, but they were going well. By mid-July, I started noticing a change in his behaviour and how much he was on WhatsApp and not speaking to me. He doesn’t have many friends, so who could be occupying so much of his time? Anyway by late July, I told him that we needed to talk. He then said that he had been thinking for some time that we should transition to a platonic relationship and was adamant that there wasn’t anyone else. Although hurt, I told him that it was fine. He contacted me every day afterwards for a week, and it became too much, so I asked him nicely to give me space to process everything.
During that week, I cried and tried to adjust. I periodically checked WhatsApp to see if anything had changed about his communication and it hadn’t. He was almost always online. I deleted everything about him from my phone and started to feel better. I began making plans and saw my silver lining. Out of the blue, he messaged me last night to say that he didn’t want things to be awkward between us, because apparently he was running, I was driving, he said hello and I ignored him. I was sincerely lost because he normally runs on the beach, so why was he now running on the route that I take to work? I don’t recall seeing him either. I don’t want him back. I want to tell him how I feel, including the fact that I don’t want to be his friend. How can I do this without coming across as jealous or insecure?
I have been with him for 8 years,we have 3 beautiful children together,we always talked about being married,and being together forever. We have been through everything together,homeless,hungry,and broke. I have been there through everything with him,i never left his side,ever. But it seems,im to blame,he says he don’t want to be told what to do,1 week ago he left our home,hes been gone every night since then,he met some girl,and he stayed gone with her all night,he has been doing this since the 16th of this month,im so depressed and hurt and angry and sad,and disappointed,and ashamed,and embarrassed,i feel so worthless. He says I I’d this,he said I broke up with him ,I know all this is just an excuse for him doing what he’s doing,because he wanted to do this anyway. ?????????? I cry as I write this,i cry every day,my heart is hurting so bad,and I don’t know what to do
Blaming you for this breakup is such an awful thing to do. Relationships never stay the same. They change and they grow. Sometimes they grow and change together, sometimes apart. There is no shame in this. None! The fact that you have both grown in different directions doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t strong and loving and what you both needed at the time. The way he has handled this sounds very cruel, but use this to push you forward. At the moment, it feels so painful for you, I understand that, but he is showing you a side of himself that is very real. Let him go. Let it be your decision and make that decision in strength. You will move through this. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve.
Hey guys. I’ve been dating someone for about a year… We recently broke up due to religious differences. He’s Muslim and I’m Christian. I feel so heartbroken. I know he loved me and I know he feels pain too but I can’t understand why he’s suddenly gone so silent on me. We agreed to be friends and I know cutting out communication helps for moving on but I’m just too used to all the good morning and goodnight messages and all the loving and caring texts in between …
I’m a Muslim girl who dated a Muslim guy but I was raised in the US and he was raised back home and even though he said he loved me..he married a woman from back home and would bounce from her to me until she finally arrived to the states and now he is moving on with her. A lot of men especially Muslim ones may love you but they love their parents more and they will go with the advice of their family and what makes them happy before making a girl who doesn’t share the same system of beliefs happy. Its so so so hard for you but you deserve better than this guy.
My ex was the same way. Beautiful sweet words but he never did anything about it but made excuses as to why we couldn’t be together. We would agree to no contact and then he would contact me apologize and say he loved me and needed to talk to me and then we ended up meeting for dinner that turned into hanging out until he would panic again and then it just became a pattern. You’re lucky he stopped communication. He’s doing you a huge favor regardless of loving you and being hurt.
Hi,
A year ago i saw this post and i commented trying to help someone here, and it is funny to keep receiving notifications about other people stories and their life experiences.
This time i just wanted to share my last experience.
Am a Muslim guy, i met a Christian girl, she studies medicince, i met her in a Volunteering work in England where we both live, but then things started to develop and through texting she asked me to be her lover, i said lets just stay friends first as am not sure you really want this, i felt that she was really sad and upset from waiting for me for not takeing it seriously. Well i did, and it looked that both suit each other, and she was happy with the way i think, she used to care about everything i do, and never go to sleep until i say good night. Here is what happen two days ago, she texted me saying : am really sorry, can we be just friends, as i dont think i want the future you want. I explained that this is wrong and we all know that she has feelings for me, and that she always said she loved the future i want, i tried my best to make her change her mind. But nothing. She want me to not stop texting her and thats it.
The point is that, it is not that Muslim men are always willing to take what their parents on top of their descisions, me as an example, my parents will have no problem with that, and i was willing to stay with her even when am back to the country where my parents live.
She panicked, it happen to Men as it happen to women.
I wish if i know how that christian girl think about being with a muslim, so i would change her mind, and show her that being with me a muslim, can be so much better than living with another one.
Anyways, its nice sometimes to share stories 🙂 I hope you all doing great. Tomorrow is another day, and out there, there are people waiting for us to get into their lives. Close one door and open another.
Best wishes,
B.B
Hi b.b.
Thanks for the comment. I did not mean all Muslim men listen to their parents. I have very liberal Muslim parents who would not stand in my way if I loved someone. But the man I was with was not strong enough or so he claimed his reasons for not being with me would break his mother and fathers heart. I was with him and behind my back he got married and then when she was not here yet he pressured me back into a relationship until I just ended up down a path that would only lead to more pain and heartache for a few more years and just like that when his wife arrived.. Its as if I don’t exist. He told me the entire time he didn’t love her and he loved me but hes with her so he must love her and he must have played me the entire time. I knew from the start it was a bad idea. I didn’t even want him in the beginning but some how he convinced me and I feel that something must have been wrong with my level of confidence or self esteem that I allowed for it to go so far. I just hope others don’t make my mistake because right now it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. You’re lucky the girl didn’t cheat on you and she had the respect to tell you beforehand that she didnt want the same things instead of leading you on for a few years.
Hope you feel better
M
Ben
Hi Milani,
I understood what you said, and i really feel sorry for what happen with you, i bet you deserve a better man.
It is not your fault that you let him in, if we don’t lock our front doors it doesnt mean people can get in and take all what we have. This is life, wrong place wrong time , painful experience, right place, tight time, right person, best things you can ever have. And thats what we all waiting for.
Thanks for sharing this with us, would be glad to hear good news from you
B.B
I had commented earlier (June 7th) about my boy friend and I of 1.5 years breaking up. I move out today, officially. We have been living together since the breakup and everything has been very cordial still, and we finally had a talk. He said of course he still loves me and that feeling doesn’t just go away. He said right now he really just needs some time to figure himself out and be happy again. He has decided to stop drinking and focus more on his health and feeling like “himself” again. In my heart I believe that this is an internal battle for him, that he’s feeling lost. But friends and others who hear our story seem to think he could be “letting me down easy”. I told him I want to go the month of July with limited to no contact and he seemed upset by this but understands if I need some time apart. He suggested meeting for dinner in August to catch up and see where we are. I want to hold on to hope that we could work things out once he’s figured some things out for himself. And he told me he doesn’t know the future but doesn’t necessarily see this as the end for us. His quote “I could get my life and thoughts together in a month or 2 and realize I made the biggest mistake by breaking up”. He knows I’m not stopping my life to wait for him to change his mind but I have told him I don’t necessarily want to give up on us. Do you think he is just trying to protect my feelings? Should I hold on to some hope? We had talked about marriage and buying a house within the next year or so. Is it possible that became overwhelming for him? Should I take that as a bad sign? Or do some people just need to step back for a minute and analyze where there life is going? Do couples that live together and move out find ways to make it work again? Sorry so many questions..
Continue living ur life as ure waiting for a sign to move on or stay or whatever , mean time have time with friends n family n urself, life day by day will throw good/bad things at u, he may come around after finding himself , he may not.
Do what makes You happy.
Im really struggling to understand if i should let go or move on from my 4 year relationship. at the being of this year we got engaged and spoke about having kids together, my ex has 2 kids of her own that i love dearly as if they were my own, i cant process not seeing them anymore as the hurt feels unbearable.
we dated for two years and then broke up for 3 months. when we got back together it was like the most amazing love that i have ever experienced.
unfortunately i was naive not erase past history of flings and flirts from when we were broken up and prior to us getting back together, this then caused a trust issue and for the last 2 years i have been fighting to get my trust back.
i made sure to delete all emails and social media to prevent these skeletons from resurfacing
lone behold some deleted items prior to us dating were found by my ex in a archived folder. that i had overlooked checking and it has caused her to break up with me
she says there are no more chances and its over for good
do i give her some space or persist trying to get her back or just move on from her, knowing that i will not see her kids ever again
im extremely heartbroken
If you want her back, fight for her then give her the space she needs. By that I mean let her know you love her, and that you are open to giving her what she needs moving forward and then step back and let her know that you will give her the space she has asked for. Make sure that if it gets to the point that you need to let go, you’ll know that you have done everything you can. You sound like a very committed, loyal and loving partner. I hope your partner is able to see past whatever happened when you weren’t together and take notice of what the relationship has been like since you have been together.
I am really sad and broken right now. I met this Korean Guy online and we really got along very well until he confessed that he’s in love with me. I’m feeling the same way but I told him that if he wants me to become his GF he should go to my country to see me and he did it like really quick. The next week he went here and we spent 3 days together in a hotel and tour him around the city. I told him that I want a serious relationship and he told me also that our relationship is not easy come, easy go. He said it has deep meaning. I told him also about my son he was surprised but I was glad that he accepted it and he said it’s not an issue for him. On the day that he is going back to Korea, he was even crying at the cafe and even at the airport. We were crying while kissing and hugging each other. I really felt his sincerity and love. He was very sweet and kind to me. He even told me about his plans for us and moving in my country to be with me. After that he went back to Korea. Our communication is still constant. We have video calls like every night and during the first week after he’s back in his country he was even crying during our video call saying that he misses me and loves me. During that time also he has a lot of work to do and very busy and I can see that he’s really tired but he still tried his best to stay awake to talk to me. 10 days after he went back to Korea. Sunday morning, the last message was I love you and good morning and I replied good morning and told him that I’m going to watch cartoons with my son and sent him our photos. He was able to see the message and the photo but after that the rest of my messages were unseen. And I’ve never heard anything from him again. I tried and searched him on facebook and added his account and sent him a message but then after 5 mins he blocked me. I used my other facebook account and sent him another message it was just seen but no reply. I tried calling him on skype and other apps but no response from him until now. I don’t know what to do because I was left hanging without no explanation. We never had any fights and I know it happened so fast like for just a month only it happened so fast. I’ve been in a recent breakup as well like I was singled for 1 year before I met him. During that time, I was totally fine and happy until he came into my life and suddenly disappeared. During that time when we were together or even video calling I can really feel that he was serious about me but I don’t know what happened. I don’t have any clue and I’m feeling down. It’s really a mental and emotional torture for me because I keep wondering why and I guess I will never know the reason..like I”ll keep wondering forever.. 🙁
I think he is blocking the communication because in my opinion he is trying to forget you. These long distance situations are very hard for the involved and sometimes for the sake of sanity people try to stop it to dont suffer more. Dont be hard on yourself. All the best
You seem like an amazing man who is devoted to his girl. I think you should try and fight harder and tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work and Vow to make her happy for as long as you live. Tell her you will go to couples therapy for her because your little family that you’ve created together means so much to you and the thought of losing the children are like losing a limb because you adore them as if they were your own. Hopefully she’ll be able to put the past behind her and realize that she will be missing out on her gem of a soulmate.
Wishing you the best… and if for some reason she isn’t able to get past this, keep your heart open because your kindred spirit awaits you.
Two days ago i was broken up with baby my boyfriend. we had been dating for just under a year and everything seemed to be perfect. yes there were fights but what relationships doesn’t? so i took him out for dinner and when we arrived home he broke up with me. His reason being that he needs to better himself and his sport had become more Important.
I ook it as quite a shock as we had been fine the week prior to the break up. He was very emotional when doing the actual breaking up which made me question weather he really want it to be like this? he has deleted me on social media making me think he either really is over it or just needs to have some space as he isn’t 100% about the break up.
I am trying to understand weather he might have really just wanted to end the relationship or if he made an irrational decision because of the very close sports trials?
please help
It is very difficult to know what is in somebody’s heart and mind when they make the decisions they make. For your own sake, be guided by what he tells you. Is he suggesting this is permanent or is he just wanting a short break? It may be that he just needs time to himself to focus, but does he need to break up with you to do that? Otherwise, it may be that the relationship for him has run its course. If this was just some time to himself that he needed, I wonder about the need to delete you from his social media. I understand your confusion – breakups can be awful like that – but the best way to get the answers you need is to try to talk to him if you can. The most important thing is to believe what he tells you, even if it is not what you want to hear. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you are hanging on to someone who is trying to let go. You deserve a relationship that feels complete and loving and nurturing, not one that you have to chase. Those relationships are out there and they will find you, but not if you find yourself in the situation where you are holding on to hope that isn’t there.
Hello,
Im really having a hard time in my current relationship. We have been arguing for the last several months just about everything but most of it has to do with trust issues. He is in the process of a divorce and still talks to her and goes to her house and even at times spends the night which he says he sleeps on the couch. I had enough and decided to go to the house and ask her whats going on and she told me that they are not doing anything but how he tries to ask her questions about their marriage, but he tells me that their done because she doesnt want him anymore. That made me feel like he is just with me because she said she dossnt want to be with him. I asked him about this and asked him if he loved her or me and he said he loves us both and he doesnt know what he wants right now. He previously told me her wanted to have a baby sith me and we tried and i had many issues and miscarriages and ended up having to get a hysterectomy and once that happened thats when he seems to distance himself and go over there more. Last night we talked and i asked him why he even started talking to me and he said he had a huge crush on me and then fell in love but the arguing has made him question things lately. I made the mistake of sleeping with him last night and then after all i could think about was him saying he loved us both. I got up got dressed and said im going home he then asked why and i went to leave and he said u cant even say bye so i did and left. I woke up this morning and thought about this all morning at work so on my lunch i decided to go to his house and end things he asked why and i said because u told me u still loved her and he never once has said he doesnt want to be with her he says she doesnt want to be with him. I left and went back to work feeling pretty good then he calls me this evening to ask me abbout my car thays in his name and i told him its ok and he said alright then he asked when i was coming from this afternoon when i ended it and then he asked if i was currdntly at home. I answered and he asked why i said that after lastnight and i said because of what he said and how much that hurt and he said i understand but youve hurt me as well i ask how and he said i cant talk right now ill call u back later. I dont know if i should talk to him again or if i should juslt let go. I love him and saw myself with him and having a baby with him but that cant happen now and im just so hurt thathe said that he loved both of us thati just dont know because i feel like if she was to take him back he would go and i would be left in the cold. Please help me!
Tracy don’t let yourself be one of his two options. At the moment, it is easy for him not to make a decision between the two of you because in a way, he can have both. If you want a relationship, it has to be on terms that are okay for you – starting with not sleeping at her house. If he is in love with both of you, he is committed to neither of you. If you want a relationship with him, let him know that you are there but he needs to choose you – not both of you. You deserve a love that makes you feel loved and secure, and it sounds like this one isn’t doing that at all. That doesn’t mean it can’t, but for it to happen it’s important for you to decide what is acceptable for you. It sounds as though he will continue to do whatever you make it easy for him to do. He will expect more for you when you do. If he isn’t able to give you what you need, that might be painful for a while, but eventually the pain will end. If you stay in the relationship in these circumstances, it will just continue to hurt you. I wish you all the best.
I’m in horrendous pain. My boyfriend surprised me with a text of we should move on message and we are 50 years old. I’ve known him as my very good friend for over 10 years. We reconnected across states when he reached out to me last summer. We decided it was finally our time to be together. I moved 1200 miles away to be with him. It’s been almost a year now. About 2 days after he sent me the message I saw a girl post on fb that she was meeting her boyfriend and tagged him.
I haven’t been able to work since Monday afternoon, my body is achy, my hands and feet are always cold, my head feels like it’s in a vice grip, my tears come with the sounds of screams, I’m barely eating, I can’t sleep and I don’t want to. The morning comes and I realize the nightmare was real and the years start all over again, and the night is horrifically lonely. He’s the love of my life, and while I know everyone will say things will get better, in this very moment I’m very afraid. And while I ache in agony without him I don’t want to let go because that will make it even worse, having to realize that I don’t have him. I just want to stay in this realm of denial with my tears. My dog ensures that i must go outside a few times a day otherwise I wouldn’t get out of bed. I am obviously not so young that I haven’t experienced loss but for some reason this is worse than anything I can remember. May peace come to all of you in pain.
Kim I’m so sorry you are going through this pain. Breakups are awful and the pain of losing someone you love so deeply can feel unbearable, particularly when it happens the way it has happened to you – suddenly and without really understanding why. It’s okay to fall apart right now and withdraw from the world, it really is, but it is important that you have a point in mind where you will make your move back into the world. The best thing for you, when you are ready, will be to be with people and to do things that nurture you back to emotional strength. Love to you.
Thanks for this article and for all the commenters for sharing your stories. It helps some and is really making me think about my current situation. I feel emotionally and physically devastated after my breakup, but I was the one who ultimately chose to break up with my boyfriend, so it’s leaving me heartbroken and confused.
I’ll start from the beginning… I dated an amazing man for almost a year. He is smart, handsome, ambitious, caring, social and funny… pretty much everything you could want. To top it off we were so great together. He made me feel comfortable and loved in every way. The one thing that made me hesitate was how I felt about him. He was all these incredible things but somehow I just didn’t feel that “spark” or “butterflies” or whatever you want to call it. I don’t even know if I believe in those things… but I was expecting to feel head over heels in love and I just didn’t. This caused me to have a lot of confusion and stress about the relationship. I care for him more than anything… but why was I not in love with him? I ended things with him two weeks ago because of this. Though no bone in my body wanted to be without him, I felt like it was unfair to him to stay in the relationship when I was so confused about my feelings.
Now, just a few weeks later, I am completely devastated and missing him more than I thought possible. I’m feeling everything that’s described in this article- all the hurt and aches. I cry all the time and I feel myself yearning for him. If I never was in love with him, why would my body and brain have these same reactions? Was I in love with him the whole time and there was just something else that was telling me it wasn’t right? Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Almost all of me wants to go back to him, but there’s still something that’s nagging at me, telling me not to. I’ve truly never been so torn.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we have lived together for a year. He asked me to move in with him and I said before I do, I need to know he is certain that this is it, that I am the one for him. We rarely fought and if we did it was over something silly. There was always trust in our relationship. He is 31 and I am 24. I am very mature for my age, and he always said that about me. He broke up with me 5 days ago because he said he had a gut feeling inside that I wasn’t “the one”. I’m so sad, confused and devastatingly hurt by this because there were no signs of it coming. It happened out of the blue. I am so in love with him. We shared our lives together. How does someone go from spending so much time with that other person, to completely losing them from your life? He always spoke about a future with me and he always used the word “we”, never “I”. Every one including his best friends thinks he’s making the biggest mistake of his life, and so do I. I feel as though he sees all his friends getting married and got scared because everyone kept saying “you’re next” or “when are you going to give her a ring already?” I don’t know what to do, because right now everything seems so dark and lonely. I am completely shattered and heartbroken. I would be willing to give him time to think deeply about how he is feeling, but should I? Am I just wasting my time if he agrees to do that? I just need a helping hand to get through this. It hurts more than words could ever begin to describe.
It sounds like this is such a painful time for you right now. If your boyfriend has asked for some time, there is nothing wrong with letting him have it, if you feel you can do that. Sometimes people need space, and that’s okay. If you agree to take some time from each other, it’s important that there is a clear time on that. You don’t want to be stuck waiting indefinitely. Have the conversation with your boyfriend. Good relationships are worth fighting for, but make sure you aren’t the only one fighting for it.
I just wanted to say thanks for your response. I realized that I am not capable of giving him “time” because I know even if he were to say that he needed it, it would just be prolonging the hurt (for me). I had to accept the fact that the relationship is over completely. I spent an entire week and a half in the darkest place of my life. I didn’t eat, sleep, talk to anyone, I was completely broken. However, I realized I had two options: continue on this path of destruction, or pick my self up and move on. So, I chose the latter. I cut off all contact with him, got everything out of his house, put one foot in front of the other and walked away. Since then, I have been doing things for ME. Exercising, eating healthy, lots of yoga, reading self-help books, spending time with friends, and just ultimately taking care of myself. I have to say it has actually been life changing and I feel so much stronger because of it. Yes, it’s not easy, but I promise whoever is reading this, it does get better – TRUST ME. Everyone told me that and I couldn’t believe them. But now I see everything more clearly. I realize what I want and don’t want from a relationship. I realize I am happy alone, and that is the key to every relationship, I think. Being able to be happy and content with yourself, before anyone else. I hope this helps someone who is in the position I was in. It takes a lot of courage to move on from someone you loved, someone who broke your heart out of the blue, someone you invested 100% into, but when you learn to love yourself, things become bright again. Sending positive thoughts to those in need. It does get better….
Hi I dated my ex girlfriend for close to 5years. I truly loved her and still do, through the process of that 5years we both made mistakes and I forgave her for everything she’s done and thought she did as well. As we went along in our relationship she got a job and met new friends and she started changing towards me and decided to dump me and the reason why she’s dumping me she says I’ve hurt her deeply 2years ago. After a 2 months of our breakup she found a new boyfriend. She has completely change don’t even know how to explain this. M struggling to cope I feel so hopeless this break it’s really damaging me, she’s rude towards me don’t even know what to do. Any advice
Quincy it sounds as though this breakup has been a heartbreaking time for you. In this article are some things that will hopefully help you to keep moving forward https://www.heysigmund.com/recovering-from-a-breakup/.
I read this article and found it completely fascinating. Reading the science behind why I feel the way I feel is absolutely interesting. Also reading the comments others left here, I felt like it might help me, too. I am taking a very hands-on approach towards not falling into a vortex of sadness, crying, and hopelessness, I have started exercising and I go out with people more than I usually would, so it’s been keeping me above water.
So, I was with my boyfriend for a bit longer than half a year and it was the ultimate fairytale. We had fights, but few and we resolved the issues that triggered them. We had dreams, which we were discussing just the day before he left me. He had told me he wanted me there in his future and I have to say I wanted the same because I knew that if I let anyone in, it would be a truly special person with whom I could at least imagine to have future. He said he was happy, that he had never been as happy with any other woman and I trusted him. I tried to be good, and for the most part I have to say I succeeded. I am not a jealous person, and he hates jealousy, so he loved that about me.
Until one day he said he needed to find himself and believed the best way to do that is on his own. I understand why he needs that. He had been in a few relationships with very short breaks between one another and he had had no time to prepare himself for a new commitment. So I don’t blame him for needing time to recharge. What I do, however, find very unjust is that he made me believe he was ready and there were zero signs to point towards the opposite. So I am surprised. I feel stranded and even though he said there is a possibility of us getting back together, I am afraid that when and if he is ready, I won’t be, because I will need time to forgive him for the pain he caused me, if I am to be happy in this relationship. Rationally, I think the relationship deserves a second chance because it was so good and we were so happy together and there was no pressure on either side for anything the other was not ready for. But my trust has suffered a major blow and this is what I am having the most trouble with – will I be able to forgive him and trust him again.
I was hoping for some guidance from a professional because talking to my friends is nice, but it is hard to get an unbiased opinion. To what extent should I let go, how can I work up the courage to trust him again?
Thank you
Ina this really is a question that only you can answer. It is important to listen to your intuition on this. Do you feel loved and cared for? Do you feel as though he is genuine? And the big one – does he bring you more joy than pain?
My boy friend and I dated for a year and a half and were living together. He works in the food and beverage world so his work hours can be a lot at this time of year and he can be left with little time to do anything other than work. About a week or so before we broke up I noticed him being distant but thought it could be from him being tired and over working so much. I confronted him and he told me he didn’t know how he felt (about us, life, home, anything). He went back and forth for about 2 weeks about how he felt before we officially broke up. He told me he was unhappy in general with life and work and that it seems easier to be alone sometimes because he pushes me away. He also stated that he doesn’t have the energy to fight for our relationship anymore (although there was never any fight, he never expressed his reserves until my initial text- it went from “i love you” to “we should break up”.) He said he still loves me but he’s just hasn’t felt “in our relationship” for a little while. Weeks before this we were discussing buying a house together and our future and he has told his family and friends he wanted to propose before the end of the year. How does that change so fast? He claims I did nothing and that our relationship had no problems that this is his fault since he let the stress of life and work get in the way of things. (even though I have made it clear I would do anything to work this out) I just don’t understand it all and his answer to most questions about this is “I don’t know” He has looked me in the eye and told me there isn’t another girl and I do truly believe him. My heart is not going to heal immediately and I don’t intend to stop my life waiting but should I even have hope that he could realize he made a mistake pushing me away? I am still living there and our interactions are very cordial and normal. I want to have hope that once I move out and our contact stops all together that he could realize but I just don’t know. His constant answers of “i don’t know” have given me no light into the situation other than him telling me there was nothing that I did wrong or could change.
I lost the best girl in the world bcos I was so stubborn. I told her I was over her and that i’d moved on, when in fact i was pushing her away in the hope that it would lead to us seeing sense. She found someone else days later and I was the last to find out, some two months or so later. I am in incredible pain. I would walk around the Earth several times if it meant i could get her back, but she has told me she’s happy and wants to move on and that i should do the same. I am distraught and feel like i will never get over her. I would do anything, absolutely anything in the world to have her back. Very, very sad 🙁
Hi
My relationship of seven years ended abruptly. Belonging to a south asian family we had to get approval of our parents which we did and after six years of dating we got engaged last year in january. We delayed our wedding plans as she got selected for high profile govt job and had to go to another city for training. After seven months into training she ended our relationship.
She ended it by completely stopping all communications with me and blocking me, my family and all of our mutual friends from all platforms. It was her father who called and said it is over.
She said i abused her which is not true, yes we did had arguments like all normal couples but there was no abusing.
I dont understand at all what happened, and what kills me is how long was she faking it. Also what i dont get is she always told everyone that how blessed she is to have my support, as i helped her through everything and always got more excited for her every success. She was even texting I love you and all a day before she stopped talking.
I have these mixed feelings of sad and angry.
Also go through feelings of inferiority complex and all. Please help and advise.
Hey, I have just read a couple of your articles. My current breakup is with my father and his wife. It is not our first estrangement. They like to play the victim and project all their crap onto me and my sons. We became estranged (again) two years ago and I was ok with that but a family member let me know about a health scare my father had I got back in touch. Well it was a one way street with me ringing and him not. He did nothing for my 5oth. I rang them a month ago and had to hand up (again) because of the hurtful things that he says. How do I make peace with this?
Deb this sounds like a difficult and hurtful situation for you. Here are a couple of articles that might help you. The first is how to heal from a toxic parent. (I’m not saying your dad is toxic, but the strategies here will be helpful either way.) https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-parent/. The second is how to let go of someone you love without guilt https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. The key is to decide what you will tolerate and what you won’t, and then to realise that your father is making the choice to have you disconnect by doing things that feel bad for you. Let him know the door will always be open, if that’s what you want, but also let him know what your expectations are. I hope the articles are able to help you find clarity and peace with this.
Hi.
I am in a bit of a “i don’t know whats happening” kind of a space right now. I have been single for a long time and then suddenly came across this person via social network this january, in India. we were heading to our workplaces in the UK and USA respectively and hence couldn’t meet. We started dating knowing that we ultimately want to date for marriage and not just relationship. everything was going fine and we skyped every sunday and communicated everyday over the phone, and were decisding on when to meet each other in person, along with speaking about marriage and my eventual moving to the USA and other very serious stuff along with getting to know each other for the past 3 months. I asked him, as to how he feels for me, where are we in terms of feeling for each other, and he said that “he cares for me a lot and wants to solve each of my problems as he doesn’t want me to be facing them. and that he has affection for me as I am instrumental in making him do things that are good for him, and have brought positive influences in his life”.
Then suddenly last month, he became very busy with work and I gave him the space to finish that and didn’t mind not speaking to him for a while (just via messages). but then he stopped answering my messages even and didn’t see them for a month. I was really worried for him but didn’t communicate continuously, just so that he doesn’t thing I am pressurising him, but once in a week messaged. His no replies made it obvious that he has probably broken up silently to avoid drama. last week he suddenly replied (to one of my old messages) that he is fine and buried in extreme workload and that he ll mail and reply. he ultimately did not. I am very confused to what is happening? are we no longer dating? have we broken up? where is this heading?
Pragya it sounds as though this is a question you will need to ask him directly. The question is a very reasonable one and you have the right to know. Is it workload? Or does he want freedom from the relationships? If it is workload, it will be important to talk about what you both expect in terms of communication. Having long periods of not responding to texts would be difficult for anyone and can weaken the relationship if it leaves one of you (or both of you) wondering where things stand. Ask him the questions you need answers to. You have a right to know the answers.
Pragya it sounds as though this is a question you will need to ask him directly. The question is a very reasonable one and you have the right to know. Is it workload? Or does he want freedom from the relationships? If it is workload, it will be important to talk about what you both expect in terms of communication. Having long periods of not responding to texts would be difficult for anyone and can weaken the relationship if it leaves one of you (or both of you) wondering where things stand. Ask him the questions. You have a right to know the answers.
This was a great article. It’s been helpful reading everyone’s stories as well. I guess it feels better to know I’m not alone. I recently was thrown away by someone who I loved deeply. I cared for him so intensely. Everyday I thought of new ways to make him smile. I have been going through a lot personally and he was the glue that held me together. Even though he never claimed me the time we did spend together meant the world to me. He doesn’t know this but sometimes I went without so he could have. It hurts to be thrown away so easily. Everyone throws me away I feel like garbage. Due to religious reasons I couldn’t kill myself but the moment the small doubt of there being no God in the first place gets bigger then I am afraid of what I’m capable of. I push through each day. I feel my heart breaking from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Every morning I am double over in the shower Bc I am too sad to stand. My students ask what’s wrong. I have to go to the bathroom between lessons to cry. I cry in my car on my lunch break. I can’t eat. It’s been almost three months surely I should be better by now? I don’t know what else to do.
You’re so not alone! Breakups are awful and they do take time to heal from. It’s not unusual that you’re still feeling this pain at three months. This grief is all part of the healing – a horrible, painful part, I know, but it is your body and your mind’s way to withdraw and regroup and recover. Be patient and be gentle with yourself. Try to get some exercise every day, even if it is just a 30 minute walk. It will release the feel good chemicals in your brain and will help to protect you from depression and anxiety. Connect with friends and people who care about you. Sleep and eat well – I know you probably won’t feel like it, but it’s important to keeping your brain and body strong and on the way to healing. You will be okay. You will get through this and find a new normal that will feel right for you. Keep moving forward – there’s no hurry. Love and strength to you.
Hi.
My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me in January. I’m devastated. I was going through a horrible period. We text everyday until I started yelling at him and being needy. Finally in April I started no contact although I had broken it a few times because he would text me. Now it’s been 3 weeks and he didn’t reach out not I reached out to him. We broke up because we were both moving back to our home countries (we graduated and left the US). He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I offered to go with him but he said we wouldn’t have a place to live and he has to go to the military for a year as well. It doesn’t feel real because we had the best time and we did things together. Although we never talked about marriage because he knew that military was coming and that his parents wouldn’t approve dating a foreigner. For a while I was ok with it but ultimately I couldn’t. I was hoping to wait, give him space to finish the military and figure things out. That is the only thing I can do. I’m not in pain like before but I think about home everyday and it feels strange to be so far away from him. Do you think it’s possible to let him figure things out and try to make it work later or if it doesn’t what if I never feel whole again. Thank you.
Sarah I understand why you are scared that you will never feel whole again, but your heart body and mind won’t let that happen. You are hurting right now, I can hear that. The thing is, he has told you how he feels and that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. This is heartbreaking, I know, but for your own sake it is important that you believe him. this is not the end of love for you – it is certainly NOT the end. In the meantime, let yourself let go of him. There is nothing more painful than hanging on to someone or something that is trying to let go of you. You will feel whole and you will love again, but first you have to heal and make way for that. You will get through this.
So how do I begin? Throughout high school I dated a close friend of mine. We were off and on throughout but still I airways turned back to her. I had a lot of friends back then too and enjoyed life. Whenever I was around her (britt) I felt enamored, infatuated, her touch would make me feel like nobody else could.
I went off to national guard my junior year which shortly before I was dating someone else but while there I only thought of britt and knew that once I got back that was it, I’m staying with britt because I felt that I had finally affirmed that these feelings were genuine.
Apparently, though, something had happened between britt and her family. Years later I found out that sexual misconduct had occurred forcing britt to move a few counties away of course probably with more to the story who knows. Anyways we went to prom and such and I had considered proposing but she called things off on distance leaving me devastated, heartbroken so much it let to dissolution to most of my friendships none of which have yet fully recovered.
Add a high sense of betrayal when I eventually found out she is lesbian.
Right now I’m engaged to a lovely woman who I’ve been with for going on 4 years. However, I’ve never felt the same as I did with britt. Was what I felt with britt real? Why do I feel basically no emotion anymore? (Let me explain to the level: I had a car wreck last week and neither got scared, not upset, nothing)…I’m worried that I may never feel the same again nor recover which if that is true how do I know that marriage is right for my current situation? I just want to feel like my old self again without the pain, the hurt, I want the happy emotions to be there but it’s like they’re permanently gone. ….
Chris our memories of our first young love are very powerful. They are often built during an innocent time before the pressures of life get in the way. That doesn’t mean they aren’t real, but they will be different to the love you feel later when there is work, bills, and other day to day stresses. Of more concern is your inability to feel happiness. If you are unable to feel emotion, that would be something worth getting checked out, perhaps through a doctor. It is always best to make sure if there is something that doesn’t feel quite right.