by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
We don’t need the last word. We don’t need them to agree.
When there is a power struggle - we want … they want … we’re trying to convince them … they’re trying to convince us … - leave power on the table. It’s already yours because you’re the grown-up. You don’t need to convince them, and nothing they can do or say (or don’t do or say) will change that.
The presence they are looking for is an anchor presence - love + leadership - strong, steady, grounded and able to care for them through the storm.
Anchors don’t stop working when the storm hits. During the storm, they work harder to hold on and keep things safe. They don’t take things personally and they don’t judge their performance on how well or how quickly they can stop the storm.
It doesn’t matter if our kiddos don’t see things our way. They’re looking through a different lens - one that can’t always see around corners the way we might be able to. They don’t have the same resources, experiences, or skills as us. Neither did we at their age.
We’re in charge of keeping them, others, and their relationship with us safe. They’re in charge of how they respond.
It’s why boundaries have to be about what we do - because it’s all we can control.
Sometimes an anchor presence means recognising that we can’t stop the storm, and we don’t need to.
When they don’t have the skills or resources to do what we would like them to do in the moment, we do what we can do to keep the moment safe, while letting them know we are here for them.
If they’re hurting a sibling, we move the sibling away, and stay in connection while we do. ‘It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hurt their body (while we’re physically moving their sibling - that’s the boundary). I’m right here (relationship).’
Or if they’re yelling: ‘I want to hear what you want. I care about you much to listen when you’re saying those things about me. (Boundary - I’m not listening.)
Or, ‘You might stay angry with me for a while and that’s okay. I’m here when you want to talk about it, but I won’t listen while you’re yelling at me. Take your time. You’re not in trouble.’♥️
Jul 8
Mattering is about feeling valued and feeling like I’m doing something that adds value. It doesn’t have to come from grades or schoolwork, and for so many kids it probably won’t. There are so many ways to help kids feel seen and valued that have nothing to do with schoolwork, but which can work to engage them in schoolwork. Little things make a big difference.
We also have to let our teachers know how much the matter. They are the greatest key to ‘mattering’ (or unmattering) in our schools and for our young people.♥️
Jul 2
If we want to meet their learning needs, we first have to meet their relational ones. If we want them to be open to learning, they first have to open to the adult they are learning from - and they won’t be open if they don’t feel seen, safe, and cared for. It’s not always easy, it’s just how it is.♥️
Jun 29
You know what`s lovely? Aside from Sundays and sunshine? …
Sales.
You know what`s even lovelier?
Sales that are 25% off books and resources designed to help kiddos feel bigger, braver, and calmer.
For a short time, we’re taking 25% off books, plushies, courses, posters, and a bunch of tiny treasures that can help build courage and calm in kids and teens.
With the end of the financial year just around the corner, it’s the perfect time to top up your toolkit — or quietly replace those resources that have shimmied away while you weren’t looking. (We see you. We`ve been there.)
This one is for you. And the young ones in your life. Actually, this one is for everyone.
Happy shopping!
Jun 23
A heartfelt and massive thank you to Catholic School Parents Queensland for such a wonderful day in Cairns with you and your community of parents, educators, and school principals. What a beautiful community you have - I’m so grateful to have had the day with you. Thank you for trusting me with your time, your questions, your stories, and for the enormous work you are doing to support children and their families.♥️
May 31
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