by Karen Young

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Anxiety, Avoidance, and How to Retrain Your Amazing Brain

The Take-Aways:

Anxiety happens in all of us from time to time. It’s a really normal, healthy response that’s designed to keep us safe. Anxiety comes from a brain that thinks there might be trouble ahead, and gets us ready to physically deal with the threat through flight or fight. (And humiliation, embarrassment, separation from a loved one, missing out, not being able to do something you want to do can all count as threats.) This can create a really strong drive to avoid whatever it is that triggers anxiety. Sometimes that avoidance will make sense, but sometimes it can actually drive us to avoid things that would actually be really good for us. The good news is that there is a way around this.

The brain learns through experience. The more you avoid something, the more you’re teaching you’re teaching your brain that the only way to feel safe is to avoid that situation – but, the more you do something brave, the more you’re teaching your brain that even though you fee anxious, you’re okay. The way to re-teach your brain to push through anxiety is with something called a stepladder. The idea is that you step gradually through increasingly anxiety-inducing experiences until you are able to do whatever it is that you’ve been avoiding. 

For example, let’s say social situations trigger anxiety for you. Develop a stepladder starting with a social situation that gives you a little bit of anxiety, and slowly and gently working through steps that increase in difficultly. You might start your stepladder with going out with your family to an unfamiliar place. This might give you a little bit of anxiety, but it’s manageable. Do that a few times until you start to feel that you can handle that. Then move to the next step in the ladder. This might be going somewhere familiar with one friend. Then next step might be going somewhere unfamiliar with a couple of friends. The steps are completely up to you. Do each step as many times as it takes for you to feel okay. If a step feels as though it’s supercharging your anxiety, it’s often a sign that there is too much of a distance between the steps. Just drop back to something that feels a little safer until you’re ready to move up to the next step. 

Every time you do a step, you’re teaching your brain that even though you feel anxious, you’re safe. There is no hurry to get through any of the steps, so you might stay on a certain step for weeks or months, and that’s okay. Take as long as you need until you’re ready to move to the next step. By gradually exposing yourself to these situations , you can actually re-teach your brain that you’re safe, that you’ve got this, and that there’s no need for you to avoid the situations that trigger your anxiety. Be patient, and be gentle with the steps, and you will surprise yourself with what you can do.

 

       

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      Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us?

      The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us.

      We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about.

      We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?!

      I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you.

      For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

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      Jun 3

      Open
      Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us? The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us. We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about. We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?! I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you. For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

      karenyoung_heysigmund

      We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

      Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder.

      There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

      This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

      What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

      What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together.

      Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

      First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

      Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

      ‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

      You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️

      View

      Jun 1

      Open
      We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels. Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over. This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior. What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable. What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you. First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human. Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light: ‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we. You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️

      karenyoung_heysigmund

      Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.

      Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

      If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.

      In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

      Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.

      They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.

      If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

      It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
      - We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
      - We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.

      But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

      View

      May 29

      Open
      Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own. If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable. Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first. It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either: - We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them. - We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

      karenyoung_heysigmund

      Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel.

      Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

      In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

      ‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

      Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation:

      ‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

      What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

      View

      May 25

      Open
      Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time. In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like: ‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’ Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: ‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful. What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

      karenyoung_heysigmund

      We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

      Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

      Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

      Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

      They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

      First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

      If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

      Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

      If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

      If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

      Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

      View

      May 23

      Open
      We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails. Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly. Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them. Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us. They need both: boundaries, held lovingly. First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken. If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary. Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R). If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them. If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you. Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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