Anxiety is a normal response to something dangerous or stressful. It becomes a problem when it shows up at unexpected times and takes a particularly firm hold. When anxiety is in full swing, it feels awful. Awful enough that anticipation of the feeling is enough in itself to cause anxiety. Anxiety in kids can be especially confusing , not only for the ones who are feeling anxious, but also for the adults who care about them.
We already know that anxiety has nothing to do with strength, courage or character. It picks a target and it switches on.
When that target is a child or teen, it can be particularly distressing, causing problems with sleeping, eating and missed school from unexplained illnesses such as sick tummies or headaches.
One of the worst things about anxiety in kids is the way it can happen without any identifiable cause. The physical feeling is familiar – that panicked feeling that comes when you miss a stair or as my daughter recently described, ‘that feeling you get when you’re almost asleep and you feel like you’re falling.’ (‘Yes, we’ve dealt with it in our home too. It’s under control now, so I can assure you this works.)
The good news is that anxiety in kids is very treatable and they are particularly responsive. I often think we don’t give them enough credit. They’re so open to possibility, and very quick to make the right connections when they’re given the right information and support. As the adult in their lives, you’re the perfect one to give it.
Anxiety in Kids and Teens: Turning it Around
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Don’t talk them out of it.
As a parent, the temptation is to reassure your child with gentle comments in the way of, ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ or ‘You’ll be fine‘.
This comes from the purest of intentions but it runs the risk of them feeling as though there’s something wrong with them. The truth is that when anxiety has a hold of them, they can no sooner stop worrying than fly to the moon. As much as they want to believe you, their brains just won’t let them.
What they need to hear is that you get it. Ask them what it feels like for them. They may or may not be able to articulate – and that’s okay. Then, ask if it’s ‘like that feeling you get when you miss a stair,’ (or ‘that feeling you get when you feel like you’re falling in your sleep’). Often, this in itself is such a relief because ‘someone gets it.’
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Normalise.
Explain that:
•. Anxiety is normal and everyone experiences anxiety at some time in their life – before an exam, when meeting new people, going for an interview or starting at a new school.
• Sometimes it happens for no reason at all. That’s also normal. It happens to lots of adults and lots of kids but there are things you can do to make it go away.
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Explain why anxiety feels like it does.
Out of everything, this is perhaps the most powerful intervention for anyone with anxiety. Anxiety in kids causes the most problems when it seems to come on without any real trigger. There’s a reason for this, and understanding the reason is key to managing the anxiety.
Here is a child-friendly explanation. I’ve used it for a variety of ages, but nobody knows your child like you do so adjust it to suit.
‘Anxiety is something that lots of people get but it feels different for everyone. Anxiety in kids is common, and lots of adults get it too. It happens because there’s a part of your brain that thinks there’s something it needs to protect you from. The part of the brain is called the amygdala. It’s not very big and it’s shaped like an almond.
It switches on when it thinks you’re in danger, so really it’s like your own fierce warrior, there to protect you. It’s job is to get you ready to run away from the danger or fight it. People call this ‘fight or flight’.
If your amygdala thinks there’s trouble, it will immediately give your body what it needs to be strong, fast and powerful. It will flood your body with oxygen, hormones and adrenaline that your body can use as fuel to power your muscles to run away or fight. It does this without even thinking. This happens so quickly and so automatically. The amygdala doesn’t take time to check anything out. It’s a doer not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought.
If there is something dangerous – a wild dog you need to run away from, a fall you need to steady yourself from – then the amygdala is brilliant. Sometimes though, the amygdala thinks there’s a threat and fuels you up even though there’s actually nothing dangerous there at all.
Have you ever made toast that has got a bit burnt and set off the fire alarm? The fire alarm can’t tell the difference between smoke from a fire and smoke from burnt toast – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is let you know so you can get out of there. The amygdala works the same way. It can’t tell the difference between something that might hurt you, like a wild dog, and something that won’t, like being at a new school. Sometimes the amygdala just switches on before you even know what it’s switching on for. It’s always working hard to protect you – even when you don’t need protecting. It’s a doer not a thinker, remember, and this is how it keeps you safe.
If you don’t need to run away or fight for your life, there’s nothing to burn all that fuel – the oxygen, hormones and adrenalin – that the amygdala has flooded you with. It builds up and that’s the reason you feel like you do when you have anxiety. It’s like if you just keep pouring petrol into a car and never take the car for a drive.
So when the amygdala senses a threat it floods your body with oxygen, adrenaline and hormones that your body can use to fuel its fight or flight. When this happens:
♦ Your breathing changes from normal slow deep breaths to fast little breaths. Your body does this because your brain has told it to stop using up the oxygen for strong breaths and send it to the muscles to they can run or fight.
When this happens you might feel puffed or a bit breathless. You also might feel the blood rush to your face and your face become warm.
♦ If you don’t fight or flee, the oxygen builds up and the carbon dioxide drops.
This can make you feel dizzy or a bit confused.
♦ Your heart beats faster to get the oxygen around the body.
Your heart can feel like it’s racing and you might feel sick.
♦ Fuel gets sent to your arms (in case they need to fight) and your legs (in case they need to flee).
Your arms and legs might tense up or your muscles might feel tight.
♦ Your body cools itself down (by sweating) so it doesn’t overheat if it has to fight or flee
You might feel a bit sweaty.
♦ Your digestive system – the part of the body that gets the nutrients from the food you eat – shuts down so that the fuel it was using to digest your food can be used by your arms and legs in case you have to fight or flee. (Don’t worry though – it won’t stay shut down for long.)
You might feel like you have butterflies in your tummy. You might also feel sick, as though you’re going to vomit, and your mouth might feel a bit dry.
As you can see, there are very real reasons for your body feeling the way it does when you have anxiety. It’s all because your amygdala – that fierce warrior part of your brain – is trying to protect you by getting your body ready to fight or flee. Problem is – there’s nothing to fight or flee. Don’t worry though, there are things we can do about this.’
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Explain how common anxiety in kids is.
Anxiety in kids is common. About 1 in 8 kids have struggled with anxiety – so let them know that in their class, there’s a good chance that 3 or 4 other kids would know exactly what they’re going through because they’ve been through it before. Maybe they’re going through it right now.
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Give it a name.
‘Now that you understand that your anxiety feelings come from the ‘heroic warrior’ part of your brain, let’s give it a name.’ Let your child pick the name and ask them what they think of when they picture it. This will help them to feel as though something else is the problem, not them. It also demystifies their anxiety. Rather than it being a nameless, faceless ‘thing’ that gets in their way, it’s something contained – with a name and a look.
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Now get them into position.
‘The problem with anxiety is that [whatever their ‘heroic warrior’ is called – for the moment, let’s say, ‘Zep’] Zep is calling all the shots but we know that you’re really the boss. Zep actually thinks it’s protecting you, so what you need to do is let it know that you’ve got this and that it can relax. When you get those anxious feelings, that means Zep is taking over and getting ready to keep you safe. It doesn’t think about it at all – it just jumps in and goes for it. What you need to do is to let it know that you’re okay.
The most powerful thing you can do to make yourself the boss of your brain again is breathe. It sounds so simple – and it is. Part of the reason you feel as you do is because your breathing has gone from strong and slow and deep to quick and shallow. That type of breathing changes the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your body. Once your breathing is under control, Zep will stop thinking he has to protect you and he’ll settle back down. Then, really quickly after that, you’ll stop feeling the way you do.’
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And breathe.
Breathe deeply and slowly. Hold your breath just for a second between breathing in and breathing out. Make sure the breath is going right down into your belly – not just into your chest. You can tell because your belly will be moving. Do this about 5 to 10 times.
Practice before bed every day. Remember that Zep, the warrior part of your brain, has been protecting you for your entire life so it might take a little bit of practice to convince Zep to relax. But keep practicing and you’ll be really good at it in no time. You and that warrior part of your brain will be buddies – but with you in control.One way to practice is by putting a soft toy on your child’s belly when they lie down. If the toy is moving up and down, their breathing is perfect.
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Practice mindfulness.
An abundance of scientific research has demonstrated the profound effects of mindfulness. MRI studies have shown that practicing mindfulness increases the density of gray matter in the brain, providing relief and protection from stress, anxiety and depression. See here for more information.
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be complicated. Essentially, it’s being aware of the present moment, and there are plenty of fun ways introduce children to mindfulness.
Start by explaining that anxiety comes about because of worry about the future and what might happen. Sometimes these thoughts happen in the background – we don’t even know they’re there. Mindfulness helps you to have control over your brain so you can stop it from worrying about things it doesn’t need to. It trains your brain to stay in the here and now. The brain is like a muscle and the more you exercise it the stronger it gets.
It sounds easy enough but minds quite like to wander so staying in the moment can take some practice. Here’s the how:
- Close your eyes and notice your breathing. How does the air feel as you draw it inside you? Notice the sensation of the air, or your belly rising and falling. Notice your heart beating. If your mind starts to wander, come back to this.
- Now, what can you hear? What can you feel outside of you and inside your body? If your mind starts to wander, focus on your breathing again.
Remember that anxiety in kids is very treatable but it might take time. Explain to your child that his or her very clever and very protective brain might need some convincing that just because it thinks there’s trouble coming, doesn’t mean there is. Keep practising and they’ll get there.
A Book for Kids About Anxiety …
‘Hey Warrior’ is a book for children to help them understand anxiety and to find their ‘brave’. It explains why anxiety feels the way it does, and it will teach them how they can ‘be the boss of their brain’ during anxiety, to feel calm. It’s not always enough to tell kids what to do – they need to understand why it works. Hey Warrior does this, giving explanations in a fun, simple, way that helps things make sense in a, ‘Oh so that’s how that works!’ kind of way, alongside gorgeous illustrations. (See here for the trailer.)
I have read tons of articles, researching every possible solution and I have never read anything so clear! This really makes sense! I grew up as the oldest daughter of three. As long as I can remember, both of my sisters have had generalized anxiety. It was always a huge struggle as a child to understand why our plans always had to change or why they came first. I always said I am never going to have a child with anxiety (I guess I thought I could control that! Ha!) well, out of me and my sisters…you guessed it…I am the one that had a child with anxiety. The first time it appeared and I mean with a bang was when she entered first grade. It was horrible. It started with her chasing me back to the car, then refusing to eat/drink anything before checking the date…even bottled water, to making up crazy scenarios in her head like swallowing flies and them living in her belly! It has been a crazy roller coaster but now that she has reached puberty at thirteen, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can honestly say that I have not seen one bit of anxiety in over a year with no meds. Even though she has gotten much better, I never really understood how to break it down and explain what was happening to her! This article is amazing and a huge eye opener! I wish I could have read it 6 years ago! I could have saved a lot of money from going to psychiatrists and therapists! Thank you so much for sharing! Now I know exactly how to approach this if it ever shows it’s face again!!!!
You’re welcome. Life’s funny like that isn’t it – you can put in your order but it doesn’t always listen! What wonderful insight you would have had about anxiety, growing up with it in your family. You would have been an enormous support for your daughter and a big part of the reason she’s now through – which is great news by the way. Thank you for taking the time to share your story.
Thank you for this article! I grew up with severe anxiety and now I see my daughter struggling with some of the same issues and don’t have a clue how to help her. Your advice is going to help us both!
You’re welcome. You feel so helpless don’t you when someone you love is struggling through anxiety. I’m so pleased the information is going to help you both. Thank you for letting me know.
My 8 year old son has a major fear of balloons and loud bangs,the older he gets he’s fear is getting worse that much so that I’ve had to leave family occasions with him if there is other kids bursting balloons,he goes hysterical,how can I help him cope with this fear,thanks
You’re son wouldn’t be alone there. So many kids are scared of loud noises and most kids ‘grow out of’ their phobias in time. I will be doing a post on dealing with phobias in children, so stay tuned for that. It’s possible that the sudden loud noise is triggering his fight or flight response and initiating that awful feeling that comes during an anxiety attack. Explain to him what’s happening in his body when there is a loud noise and how he can reverse this feeling quite quickly by breathing. You will have to practice the breathing when he’s not in the middle of a fight or flight response though so he can access it easier when he needs it. Try it every night before bed. There is a process called systematic desensitisation that is very effective for phobias. It involves being exposed to the scary things little bit by little bit and slowly working up to the actual feared object. A counsellor can help with that. I hope your son is able to find some relief soon.
Graat artical.
I suffered from anxiety for years & was astonished when I discovered it was linked to my diet.
I visited a nutritionist 12 years ago who pointed out changes in my diet and I haven’t had a bit of anxiety since.
Since then I track my own daughters moods and behaviour and how they are linked to her diet and have been amazed at how what we eat impacts on how we feel, act and think.
Thank you for sharing this. I think it’s really important to be open to anything that might work. Thank you for taking the time to respond – I’m sure it will help other people.
thank you so much for this article. My daughter suffers from this an it was so great for her to read this article. I can’t thank you enough for giving this a name for her and letting her know she isn’t the only one.
You’re welcome! Your daughter certainly isn’t the only one. I’ve been amazed at the response to this article which just goes to show how many people are struggling with anxiety. I’m so pleased it has helped your daughter. Thank you for letting me know.
Have found this article very helpful so that my nine year old can understand why her body does what it does when she is anxious.
She has had many anxiety and panic attack meltdowns since the sudden loss of her dad two years ago.
I would be really interested to know if anger and need to control the situation are also often seen with anxiety or if these are more likely due to her bereavement process. Thanks for your help.
Hi Cat, Not sure if you got my earlier response but here it is just in case … ‘Part of the anxiety response is fight (as in fight or flight) so it’s not really surprising that research has found an association between generalised anxiety disorder, worry and anger. It also found that hostility and internalised anger contributes to the severity of symptoms. Having said all of that, anger is a secondary emotion, which means it never exists as pure anger – there is always another emotion underneath it. Some common ones are grief, fear, insecurity – but the truth is that it could be covering anything. Your daughter has been through a major trauma in losing her dad, so it would not be at all surprising if her anger was something she uses to push down her grief to control it and keep it from ‘consuming’ her. If she lost her dad suddenly, it’s very real that she may also be scared of suddenly losing you too. It’s difficult to know without talking to her. If this has been something that has been ongoing since the death of her dad, counselling might be a consideration – they’ll be able find out what’s going on. This isn’t an easy time for you but it sounds like you are doing everything you need to be doing.’ … But I do want to add something else …
Anger is certainly one of the stages of the grief cycle and that cycle is certainly not a neat, linear one. People’s experiences of different stages will be different, their timing will be different and they’ll move back and forth through different stages. When someone you love dies, it can feel like nothing makes sense. There’s a nothingness and a hollowness and a powerlessness there that feels endless. It can feel like a complete disconnection from everything. Anger is a way of anchoring the turmoil you feel inside in such a way as to make it make sense. With anger, there is someone to be angry at – it doesn’t even need to make sense – she can be angry at you for asking her to clean her room, the world because it doesn’t understand, other kids because they still have their dads, a teacher who asks her to do homework. It lets her define what she’s feeling and gives it a context: ‘I’m angry because …’ The emotions that are underneath anger can be scary – terrifying – because they feel limitless – sadness about her dad dying, the missing of him. It can feel like there will be no way to put a lid on these emotions once they start. How do people deal with that when it feels so big? They find something else that isn’t. People get to the other emotions eventually. The human mind has all sorts of ways of holding you safe until it’s ready to deal with something. Anger is one way. It’s easier for your daughter to be angrier at you because you asked her to clean her room, say, than it is to deal with the sadness and loss she feels around losing her dad. She will get there eventually but if she’s stuck in this part of the cycle, a counsellor can help with that and I would highly recommend it. It would also be playing its part, I expect, in her anxiety. All that emotion pushes for expression and it has to come out somehow. I hope this makes sense. My best wishes for you and your daughter.
hi,
My son is 10 he has been complaining of stomach problems for the last 2 years- as I am in the medical field I ruled out all the physical things and I have had both my psychologist and his tell me is anxiety but I’m worried about getting it wrong- what about all the naturopathy thoughts re diet and gluten and dairy! When he gets pain it’s so real- he curls up in a ball crying – he is obsessed with the need to do a poo and sometimes he does have very loose stools! What if I miss something and he has problems in the future!
An anxious parent!!!
You are doing a wonderful job. It’s important that physical causes are ruled out and it’s great that you’ve done that. You have mentioned possible dietary influences – have you spoken to a doctor about the possibility of this? If two psychologists have said it is anxiety then his symptoms can certainly be understood in the context of anxiety. People poo when they get anxious because it’s the body’s way of ‘lightening the load’. If the body is preparing itself for fight or flight, it wants to get rid what it doesn’t need so it’s better equipped for physical action. Poo or wee is just added weight that the body doesn’t need.
As for missing something – you can’t possibly know everything. Nobody can. Goodness I’ve missed so many things with my own kids – some of them bigger than others, but kids are more resilient and capable than we often give them credit for. I’m sure there are things I’ve missed that I don’t even know about yet. Actually I know there will be. One of the best things we can give to our kids is confidence in their capacity to cope. Having them hear from us ‘I know you’ll be fine’ (even if inside we’re sick with worry!) will strengthen them so much more than ‘what if’. You’re doing a great job! Can you try something? Can you try spending a day acting as though you really believe this (I really believe you are, by the way!) and see what happens? I’d love to hear what happens when you do.
Got sent this link from a friend as my 16 year old daughter has suffered for a year and is on antidepressants. It’s horrible for her, but also me. Not sure what I’m doing and if I’m saying the right thing? Your article makes good sense and tomorrow when I get home, I will get my daughter to read it. Also my elder daughter, it may help her to understand a little more!
Thank you, and we all continue the fight for our little ( and not so little!) ones!!!
You’re welcome. We’ll never stop fighting for them will we – and your daughter is lucky to have you fighting for her. Here is a link to an article, ‘What to Say (And Not To Say) To Someone Who’s Depressed’. https://www.heysigmund.com/what-to-say-and-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-depressed/ – It’s so hard to know what to say to someone who’s struggling – I so get that! – and this might give you a few ideas. I’m so please your friend shared this with you, and I’m so pleased your sharing it with your daughter. I think it will really help her make sense of things. Thank you for taking the time to let me know.
Tens of thousands of articles shared by my friends have appeared on my FB wall over the years and remain resolutely unclicked, but something about the headline of this one made me reach for the button. And I’m so glad I did – being the Dad of two little worriers I now feel I have a resource bookmarked that can point me in the right direction if and when I need it. Thankyou for the insight and wisdom of these pages.
You’re welcome. I’m so glad you clicked. It sounds like your little worriers are in very good hands.
my 11yrs old son always have this problem. he mostly complaining stomach pain, nausea.
can u suggest something for him
Provided doctors have ruled out any other possible physical causes, I would suggest the techniques and the explanation provided in the article. It will help ease his anxiety about getting anxious and the physical symptoms that come from that. Otherwise, a counsellor may be able to help your son find the relief he needs.
Thank you for this article. As an early teen up to my early 20s (I’m mid 20s now). I suffered from anxiety and still occasionally do, but not often. Anxiety is scary, esp when you don’t know why or how to make it go away. What helped me was my mom telling me she had the same kind of attacks I did, and she had to go to the Dr b/c she didn’t know what it was and it hurt to breathe. She was told it was anxiety. So when I had the same attacks she told me it wad anxiety and that is eventually out grow them. I did. And unless im under great stress I’m good.
You’re welcome. You’re so right – anxiety can be terrifying when you don’t know where it’s coming from. Your mum is a very wise woman! She obviously has invaluable insight from her own experience with anxiety. You will also have that same wonderful insight and because of that you will enormous capacity to help people who are going through what you went through as a teen. I’m so pleased you have come through your anxiety. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing these words of wisdom! I will definitely be trying some of these strategies with my daughter who is 11 and has been struggling with anxiety since she was about 7. It has affected her academics in school, her daily activities and her general happiness! It’s comforting to get any useful information. I especially worry about her going into puberty and all the hormonal and other body changes she will face. I will be checking out your website for more articles and will also be sharing this with her teacher and my teacher colleagues for students with anxiety. Thanks again!
You’re welcome! I’m so pleased the information has ended up in your hands. I hope it is able to bring comfort to your daughter. It can be a trying age for them but she has you and you sound like a wonderful support for her. Thank you for sharing the information. Teachers can make such an huge difference.
Great article. However, if anyone’s child (or themselves) have big problems with these effects of anxiety and cannot turn them off easily, look into overactive autonomic nervous system. Some people do not have the ability to turn off the “fight or flight” symptoms easily. There are supplements (such as True Calm, magnesium, and zinc) as well as foods (eggs, almonds, and more) that help a lot in controlling it. My husband had this even as a child, but no one knew what those symptoms meant. It took our being married for nearly 12 years before I stumbled scross it. It was a life-changer for him. I see symptoms in my 13-year-old already. I like that this article says to not dismiss it….it is a very real physical issue for some people.
The description of the physical things going on is awesome….one of the best I have ever seen. Our starting to understand how stress affects my husband’s body has helped a lot. His symptoms are very much like what you described. I am so glad you put this out there, b/c I think diminishing how people feel makes this worse….I did it for years before I understood. 🙁
I’m so pleased this has been able to help you! You’re so right when you say that diminishing people makes things worse. Great to hear that you’re kinder to yourself now – it’s what you deserve!
Thank you! And thank you for sharing your experiences of what’s worked. It’s good to be open to anything that might work.
Found this article very helpful. My daughter is nine and has anxiety/panic attacks. Her dad died suddenly from a bowed in his brain two years ago. She has attachment and anger issues probably or linked with her bereavement. I could tick all the symptoms off from your list but I just wondered is anger ever part of normal anxiety as well or is this more linked with her grief and need for control. Thanks for your help.
Bleed not bowed in brain!
Part of the anxiety response is fight (as in fight or flight) so it’s not really surprising that research has found an association between generalised anxiety disorder, worry and anger. It also found that hostility and internalised anger contributes to the severity of symptoms. Having said all of that, anger is a secondary emotion, which means it never exists as pure anger – there is always another emotion underneath it. Some common ones are grief, fear, insecurity – but the truth is that it could be covering anything. Your daughter has been through a major trauma in losing her dad, so it would not be at all surprising if her anger was something she uses to push down her grief to control it and keep it from ‘consuming’ her. If she lost her dad suddenly, it’s very real that she may also be scared of suddenly losing you too. It’s difficult to know without talking to her. If this has been something that has been ongoing since the death of her dad, counselling might be a consideration – they’ll be able find out what’s going on. This isn’t an easy time for you but it sounds like you are doing everything you need to be doing. My best wishes for you and your daughter.
Hi I am worried about my 10 year old daughter. She has lots on her mind at the moment. She starts to cry when she worries about it all. I try and calm her by saying it’s ok, try not to think so much into it all but it doesn’t really work. We end up just sitting down and cuddling for a good 30 to 40 mins. She has a lot going on. She is really scared of doing solo ballet routines, changing school, taking her 11+ exam in September, losing her current friends etc!!
What can I do to help her??
Thank you xx
Oh no! Your daughter has so much going on at the moment. Talk to your daughter about the information in the article so she can understand what’s happening when she has an anxiety attack. Try the techniques – they really work. Anxiety responds very well to counselling, so that’s always an option.If you feel like You’re a great support for your daughter and anything you can do to minimise the demands on your daughter will be good for her. If you have a look under the ‘Being Human’ tab, then under ‘Anxiety,’ you might find further information to help you. My best wishes for you and your daughter – it’s not easy for either of you at the moment.
Thank you for posting. My son had severe anxiety starting just at the end of 4th grade. So bad that he dissociated twice. It was a terrible two years. But he came through it with the help of an awesome therapist ( finding one was a feat in and if itself), fantastic home education program ( he’s back in school) and gigantic enormous amounts of patience and love from family and his loyal circle of friends.Anxiety runs in our family on one side. I have it and so was able to understand the difference between feeling a little anxious/stressed and full blown panic. I want to commend normalizing anxiety but if it’s severe it’s not what everyone experiences. It brings grown men to their knees. It is beyond fear. I think it’s important to acknowledge that in some way as well and hold it in your mind and heart when your child is afraid/panicked. That fighting it doesn’t work it actually makes it worse. Anyway thank you again for posting. I know that going through this with a child can be isolating and bewildering. I’m glad that at least people can comment and share. Sending out a huge virtual hug to every parent ( and child) going through this.
Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I know this will help many people who read your message. The way people (like you!) have been sharing their wisdom and experience of anxiety has been completely unexpected. People are incredible. Going through something like this can feel so lonely. Your words of support are so important. Thank you!
My 6 year old suffers from terrible anxiety. He is incredibly articulate and imaginative, and we think, autistic (he is going through the assessment process). I have been looking for ways to deal wolith his anxiety but none so far have been right for him.
This method though may work as he is a facts person, and likes to know how things work. So I’m going to give it a try when he has his next episode.
Thank you do much for posting this. I’ll let you know how it goes!
I’m please this information found its way to you. I’d love to know how you go with this.
This article is very helpful. My six-year-old son has dyslexia and ADHD. He wants very much to excel but is incredibly anxious about not keeping up with his peers and has very low self esteem. His ADHD is largely characterized by a lack of impulse control: specifically, he responds to his perceived threats by strongly exhibiting the “fight” response. He goes from quiet to full emotional meltdown/lashing out in what feels like an instance. We have ways of helping him cope at home, but we have a harder time helping him outside of home… He can’t stand breathing techniques (which his therapist has tried to employ in CBT), but I do think that speaking to him about what is going on his brain (amygdala) might help. He is an analytical thinker and he might respond to this. But what to do with a kid who does not respond to relaxation/breathing techniques?
Breathing is so important in reversing the symptoms, but doing it properly does take practice because it’s not easy. It’s why it’s so important that we give kids the opportunity to understand why its important. Understandably, if they don’t understand why it’s important, it’s difficult to see the point of it. Can you try it with him before bed when he’s on his way to relaxing? If nothing else, it’s nice time with you so that might also be a hook. That way, he’s already relaxed and it will be easier. It may be harder than you realise for him to do, particularly during the day when he’s already ‘on’. If he’s an analytical thinker, I think the explanation would really help and would be really important. Tell him about the science and why he needs to help his body get itself back on track. I hope he’s able to find some relief.
Thank you so much for putting this out there! I struggled with anxiety my whole life, and now I see my eight-year-old daughter starting to show signs of it. I’ve already taught her the techniques that my parents and my therapist taught me: like avoiding triggers (medical shows, scary movies) and getting my mind off it by being productive, reading, just tuning my mind to other things. I’ll definitely start using these. I also want to share something my therapist said one time that’s helped me a lot. He told me to remember that some anxiety and worry is good. He started asking me about my life and times when I was maybe more responsible and careful than other people. Wow, that statement really spoke to me! I was the only teenager I knew who always made sure my friends wore seatbelts. I was a teacher when I graduated from college, and I had a few experiences where I caught a child falling off playground equipment outside, but no one else had seen it. I always send emails, make phone calls, check up on everyone. It can be a blessing if you don’t let it get out of control.
Wow this is great wisdom! Your therapist was absolutely right. Thank you so much for sharing this. I expect it will also speak to other people. The insight you’ve gained from your own experience of anxiety will be so helpful for your daughter and anyone whose life you touch.
This article is a beautiful gift! It is giving me so much insight and hope in a time when I feel so helpless. My heart is breaking for my son. He is 14 and has been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. He is self harming to deal with his anxiety. He has been on home bound schooling for the last 5 months. School is one of his triggers due to bullying. He has been doing weekly counseling for the last 6 months and is on medication.
I want to mention genetic testing we did. It is called Gene Sight Testing. It was done at his pediatrician ‘ s office. They swabbed his cheek, sent it to Mayo Clinic and in 4 days we received the results. It was covered by our insurance company. The results tell us what medications he can or cannot take according to his genes so there was no guess work in picking the medication best for him. It turns out his body does not metabolize SSRI’S, so he is taking an SSNI. While the medication has helped him, there are no magic beans (unfortunately) and he is learning to use “tools” he has learned in counseling. This has been challenging for him since he has to remember to use the tools right in the thick of his inevitable panic attack. I cannot wait to share this information with him. I was wondering if you had any information or articles on OCD. We are discovering that the OCD is the driving force with everything he has going on. While I know much about depression and anxiety because I also live with both, I know nothing about OCD except what I see in my son and what I’ve read about.
Reading the comments has been so helpful. Thank you to all of you brave, warrior parents who are fighting and advocating for your children. You are an inspiration and I will think of you all when I feel like I’m not doing a good job in helping him or when I feel helpless.
Thank you again for this article and for the very helpful links you have posted in the comments.
Great info. Thank you for sharing this! I’m so sorry that your son is going through what he’s going through. My heart goes out to you both. You sound like wonderful support for him. Here is a link to some information about OCD http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ocd . It’s from Beyond Blue, a great organisation who know what they’re talking about. There’s a downloadable fact sheet there too. Your message to other ‘warrior parents’ (love that!) is so beautifully articulated. Thank you for sharing your story – I know it will help many.
Thank you for this easy-to-relay information. My daughter always feels better when she understands the how and why of something. Learning the science behind her anxiety will help her feel more in control of it and better able to manage it.
You’re welcome. Understanding the science is so empowering isn’t it. The right information makes a big difference!
Reading through the comments, almost all of them regard young women and girls. Are girls more prone to overactive warrior brains or just more apt to express and demonstrate anxiety?
That’s a very good question. Anxiety is certainly more common in girls than boys, so in that sense, girls are more prone to overactive warrior brains. I would also say that anxiety is such a primitive response and so good at its job of flight or fight that a brain in fight or flight makes sure its expressed no matter what. Hope that helps.
I wish this had been around when I was a kid. I had huge struggles with anxiety and even now as an adult it is a battle, but at least I understand it now. I see my 5 year old struggle with anxiety and it is helpful not only to draw from my own experiences but to see it laid out so neatly. Thank you for taking the time to write this and share, especially about how to put it into language our kids can understand. So helpful!
I’m so pleased this information found its way to you – for you and your daughter. The insight you have from dealing with anxiety yourself will be an enormous help for your her!
Can I explain this well to my 5 year old child?
You may need to simplify it a little but give it a go. Otherwise, I’m writing a post for dealing with anxiety in much younger kids which I hope to have up soon. Let’s see what we can do.
[…] It sucks. I am a mom. I read every last word of this article. It was […]
Fantastic ideas.
My now 9 1/2 year old has been sleeping in our bedroom for about 2 years.
She has anxiety and has lots if trouble falling asleep.
Can you recommend ideas for getting kids to sleep in their own beds and on time?
Yes! A few people have asked about sleeping issues and I’m writing a post on that one. Stay tuned. (Or, if you want to make sure you don’t miss a post, the newsletter is the way to go – if you haven’t already. The sign-up is on the home page.) Let’s see if we can help you out with this.
Thank you for such a clear explanation of anxiety for parents to use with their children. My son, who I later realized had been suffering with anxiety for years, began having panic attacks as a teen. He had anxiety and mild OCD. We tried methods such as these, then cognitive behavioral therapy with a psychiatrist, and finally a low dose of meds. After getting restabilized, he is now off meds and doing great away at college. It’s a scary thing for a parent to watch, and I know how helpless I felt at times, but just being there for your child and continuing to look for solutions (one size never fits all) does work.
It’s great that your son has found his way through. Sounds like it was tough for a while. It’s awful isn’t it when you’re watching them go through it and feeling like there’s nothing you can do to help them. Your story will give hope to people who are in the midst of the struggle. You’re right – all you can do is keep being their greatest fan, be open to anything that might work and love them – and the kids that have been talked about in these comments are SO loved – that comes through loud and clear!
By far, the best article I have read on Childhood Anxiety. My 9 year old struggles daily with anxiety (precipitated by the tragic deaths of her grandparents in a fire three years ago). Our family struggles with how to react. It’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. It’s numbing. It’s overwhelming. But we are learning. Together. Some days are great. Others are terrible. We lose our cool. We get caught up in the heat of the moment. But we ultimately LOVE. We rejoice in the nights where we all sleep without incident. We rejoice in her personal victories. We are thankful for support from a wonderful therapist and our families. This article reinforced those points and more. I love the language used. My daughter is extremely bright and wants to know WHY she is like this. WHY her body reacts “like crazy”. HOW she can get better. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
You’re so welcome. This is such a beautiful articulation of what it’s like when someone you love has anxiety. Thank you for taking the time to share this. Your daughter is in such good hands and she will get through this. I’m so pleased you found the information for her.
Hi, thank you for so many fantastic tips. My son is 6 and ever since I discovered and started following the career path in Psychology, focusing on emotional intelligence in particular, I have been applying my knowledge in practice. I strongly believe that EI should be taught at schools to prepare children for an adequate interpretation of the rapidly developing multitasking and technology driven contemporary society. There can’t be a successful managing of any stimulus without sound understanding of its origins. By teaching and encouraging children to recognise, understand and manage their basic emotions we help to develop and strengthen their inner stamina and resilience for understanding, adequate interpretation and application of more complex emotional states.
You’re welcome! I so agree with you. Very insightful. Emotional intelligence is key to everything. The more we are able to understand why we do what we do, the more we are able to manage the response. I think the schools are starting to jump on board and some have implemented programs to this end. Anything they can do to teach emotional intelligence is great news for our kids. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
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Thank you for sharing!