‘Dear Kids, Love From Your Brain.’ What All Kids Need to Know About the Brain

'Dear Kids, Love From Your Brain' - What All Kids Need to Know About the Brain

Kids do great things with the right information, and any information we can give them about how to become the best version of themselves will lay a sprinkling of gold dust on their path to adulthood. They have enormous power to influence the structure and function of their brain in ways that will build important skills and qualities, such as resilience, courage, confidence, and emotional and social intelligence. First though, we need to give them the information they need to perform their magic. Here’s what all kids need to know. 

All great things need a few good instructions and your brain is up there with the greatest things of all. If your brain could talk, here’s what it would want you to know.

Dear You,

I love being in your head because it’s magnificent and because I’m the centre of attention up here. We’re going to be together forever, you and I, so here are some things you should know about me.

First, some basic info.

I’m made up of about 85-100 billion very small building blocks called neurons, which are brain cells. If you were to count them one by one, it would take around 3000 years. It would also take a lot of patience and a distraction-free zone because it would be dreadful to lose count at like, 84 billion.

I’m kind of complicated, but fabulous. There are lots of different parts to me – a thinking part, a listening part, a memory part, a feelings part, and many more. Being able to do something well depends on the connections between neurons inside the different parts and between the different parts. You can actually design me to be the best brain for you. Brains can change, and you’re the superstar who can change me. 

The secret to making your brain the very best brain for you.

Every time you think, feel or do something, the messages travel along the neurons that are connected to that thought, feeling or action. This forms a pathway in the brain. Whenever you do that action, feel that feeling, or think that thought, the messages travel along the same pathway. Whenever you do something over and over, that pathway becomes stronger and stronger. The stronger the pathway, the stronger that part of your brain, and the easier that behaviour, thought or feeling will be.

Here’s an example. When you first learn to ride a bike, you wobble and fall – a lot. That’s because the ‘riding a bike’ pathways in your brain aren’t very strong yet. The more you ride, the stronger the pathways get, so the easier the ‘this is how you ride a bike’ messages travel around to the parts they need to travel to. Over time, the pathways gets stronger and you become a genius on the bike. Nice.

This can also happen in ways that aren’t so great for you. If you keep doing something that’s bad for you, like eating loads of sugary treats, or yelling every time you get angry, the ‘I need sugar,’ pathways, or the ‘I’m going to yell’ pathways in the brain will become very strong and will drive you to keep craving sugar or yelling.

You have enormous power to develop amazing skills and qualities and to get better at the things you want to be good at. 

Whatever you do a lot of now, you’ll be great at.

During childhood and adolescence, your brain is primed to learn things well. This is why it’s easier for kids to learn a language than it is for adults – because the brains of kids and teens are wired to learn, with plenty of neurons ready to organise themselves into strong, beautiful pathways. 

Use it or lose it.

There is only a limited amount of space up here in your skull, so to be the most effective, most powerful, best brain for you, I keep the pathways you use a lot, and fade the ones you don’t use as much. This makes sure there’s enough space and brain energy to build the pathways that are important for you – which are the ones you use a lot. 

For example, if you learn a foreign language, the ‘learning a language’ pathways will strengthen and develop quicker and stronger than they would in adulthood. If you don’t learn a language, these pathways will fade away, to leave room for the pathways you want to use more. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to learn a foreign language – absolutely you’ll be able to! It just means that it won’t be as easy to do as it is during childhood and adolescence. 

Your thoughts can change your brain too – so make them good ones.

Thoughts can release brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) and electrical impulses that can also create pathways in your brain. These pathways will influence your feelings and behaviour. This is why it’s so important that your thoughts are healthy, positive and strong. When you think brave thoughts, ‘I can do that’, or ‘whatever happens I’ll be okay,’ those thoughts form a pathway. The more you think those thoughts, the more real they’ll feel. Brave thoughts (‘I can do this’) lead to brave behaviour. Calm thoughts (‘Breathe in … Breath out …’) lead to calm behaviour. Anxious thoughts  (‘what if something bad happens?’) lead to anxious behaviour. Remember, thoughts, feelings and behaviours don’t need to match. You can feel anxious and think brave, or feel anxious and do brave.

But how do the messages travel between neurons?

This is why I love being your brain. You’re a thinker, and that’s an excellent question. Messages travel from one end of the neuron to the other end with electrical impulses. Your brain creates enough electrical impulses to power up a small light bulb – so don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t powerful! Once the message (the electrical impulse) gets to the end of the neuron, it has to jump to the next neuron. Neurons don’t touch – there’s a teeny space between them. The message jumps across the gap to the next neuron by chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. Having the right balance of neurotransmitters is important because it can affect your mood, how well you sleep, how well you learn and remember, how stressed or anxious you feel, your motivation – so many things.

I know what you’re thinking … ‘So how can I get the right balance of neurotransmitters?’

There are three powerful ways to make sure your neurotransmitters are at healthy levels.

Eat well. Healthy, nutritious food makes me (and you) excellent.

Being a brain is busy work, so you need to fuel me up with good food – oily fish (salmon, tuna – tinned is fine), eggs, blueberries, chia seeds, cabbage, avocado, soy. Don’t scrunch up your face. They’re delicious. If they don’t taste that delicious to you, it’s because the pathways aren’t there yet. It can take about seven tries of a new food to be okay with it. So let’s make a deal. Try the foods at least 7 times. If that sounds gross, try licking it a few times, then seven times when you chew and swallow. This will help to strengthen the ‘this food is okay’ pathways, and the food won’t taste so disgusting. 

Get your body moving.

I don’t have legs. You know that right? So I need you to move. Exercise increase the neurotransmitters that help you feel happier, less stressed, less anxious, and the ones that help you focus, learn and remember, and think positive thoughts. Scientists have found that a neurotransmitter called GABA can help people to stop thinking negative thoughts that make them worried, sad or anxious. We all have those thoughts from time to time, but you want to be able to stop them when they’ve outstayed their welcome. Exercise helps to get GABA to healthy levels so it can help manage anxiety and negative thinking. Exercise is a brain booster. I love it.

Get plenty of peaceful zzz’s.

I do some of my best work while you’re sleeping. I help you deal with your emotional ‘stuff’, I help you understand what you’ve learned, and I strengthen your memories. It’s also when I can get creative because I’m not having to take care of other things that keep me busy when you’re awake, like walking, talking, listening, balancing. 

Do mindfulness. Brains love it like a favourite thing.

Brains love mindfulness – probably even more than we love pictures of furry baby animals. Mindfulness helps brains to be calmer, braver and stronger which helps you to be calmer, braver and stronger. Here’s how it works. Mindfulness strengthens the pathway between your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the feeling brain (especially the amygdala), making it easier to calm big feelings. Mindfulness can also improve concentration, learning, mood and sleep. Over time, it can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, happier, kinder, more able to focus and more in control of your feelings. There are a lot of awesome apps that can guide you through mindfulness. Here is one (it’s free), and there are some other ways to be mindful here. Try for at least 10 minutes a day. It will help you to be more of a legend than you already are.  

I have a thinking part and a feeling part.

The thinking part, the prefrontal cortex, is at the front of the brain. Let’s call it the thinking brain. It’s responsible for self-control, thinking things through, paying attention, solving problems, making decisions, and calming big feelings,  The feelings part is more towards the back. Let’s call this the ‘feeling brain’. 

When there is a strong connection between the front and back of the brain, messages will travel freely between the two. The feeling brain will let you know when something doesn’t feel right, but the thinking brain will make sure you respond in a healthy way, and that things (and you) don’t get out of control.

Sometimes, the feeling brain takes over. This happens in all of us from time to time. When the brain identifies something that might be a threat (and not being allowed to do something you really want to do might count as threats), your brain surges your body with chemicals so you can fight the threat or flee the threat. This is the handywork of the amygdala – an important part of your feeling brain. The amygdala is like your own fierce warrior, there to protect you. When you’re feeling big feelings like anxiety, anger or sadness, it’s likely that your amygdala thinks that there is something it might need to protect you from and is sending messages to the other parts of the brain to act a certain way. This might be to fight the danger (maybe by yelling, screaming, arguing, fighting, or saying ‘stop!’ or ‘no!,’) or to flee the danger (perhaps by ignoring, hiding, or lying to get out of trouble). 

Brains are smart, and yours is magnificent, but all brains can read things wrong sometimes.

Let’s get something straight – there are no bad feelings. All feelings deserve to be there, but sometimes what you do with your feelings can land you in trouble. The feeling brain and the thinking brain need to work well together, but it doesn’t always happen this way. When feelings are big, the feeling brain can take over. It can overwhelm the thinking brain and send it ‘offline’ for a while. This is the work of the amygdala – that fierce warrior part of your brain. If you actually are in danger, having your amygdala take control can be a great thing. If there is a wild animal coming at you for example, your amygdala doesn’t want you to think too long about whether the animal is lost, hungry, angry, or how it got it’s fur looking so fab. It just wants you to get safe, so it sends the thinking brain offline until the ‘danger’ has passed.

Here’s the problem. Amygdalas are do-ers, not thinkers, so they’ll act first and think later. They can be a little overprotective and can take control even when there’s nothing to protect you from. An example of this is when you’re not allowed to do something you really want to do. Your amygdala might hear that as a threat and send the thinking brain offline. When this happens, you might not think clearly about the consequences of what you’re doing, or whether your response is necessary. If your response is to, say, yell or scream (fight) or lie (a type of flee), that can mean trouble. 

None of this means you can blame your brain when things go wrong. If your brain gets into trouble, you’ll get into trouble, so you have to be the boss of your brain. Feel your feels, but be smart about it. Things will always work out better when your feeling brain and your thinking brain are able to send strong messages to each other but to do that, you need to keep your thinking brain strong. Mindfulness and slowing down to think of the consequences are ways to do this. If you feel as though your amygdala is taking over and your thinking brain is about to tap out, strong, slow, deep breaths and mindful clouds will help to keep it online. 

Mindful clouds.

Get comfy and imagine your thoughts and feelings are forming into little clouds in front of your head. Let them float around gently and when your ready, blow them away. As you blow the cloud away, feel some of that angry energy or sad energy leaving you. Keep doing this as different thoughts and feelings appear. It’s okay if the same ones keep coming back. Just watch them in front of you, let them float around, then blow them gently away.

Breathe. In. Out. Lovely.

Strong, steady breathing is like a lullaby for your brain. Breathe out to get rid of all the air, then in for 3, hold for one, out for 3. Do this a few times to bring your thinking brain back online so you can calm your big feelings, make good decisions and be awesome. It doesn’t mean your big feelings won’t be there anymore. You might still feel sad, angry or anxious, but you’ll be more able to respond in a way that is strong, brave and better for you. A brain in high emotion is a very busy brain, so it might struggle to remember strong, deep breathing if that isn’t something you’ve done a lot of. It’s important to practice when you’re calm, so the pathways can strengthen. Here are a couple of ways to practice.

Hot cocoa breathing: Imagine you’re holding a cup of hot cocoa. Breathe out, then smell the warm, chocolatey smell for 3, hold it for one, then blow it cool for 3.

Figure 8 breathing: Imagine drawing a sideways figure 8 on your arm, your leg or anywhere that feels lovely. Breathe out, then as you draw the first belly of the 8, breathe in for 3, when you get to the middle of the 8 hold it for one, then as you trace the second belly of the 8 breathe out for 3.

You also need strong pathways between the right side and the left side – but it doesn’t always happen this way.

For any brain to be at its best, the different parts need to be connected strong pathways so the can send messages to each other no problem at all. Sometimes though, one part will try to take over. This is really normal and it happens in everyone from time to time. If you’re an excellent brain boss, you’ll be able to know when this is happening and you’ll be able to work straight away on strengthening the pathway again, so I (and you) can be fabulous. We’ve talked about what happens when the feeling brain takes over, but sometimes when you have big feelings the right brain also tries to take over and the pathway between the left and the right isn’t all it needs to be. The left brain loves language. The right brain deals more with big feelings. When they aren’t working as a team, you’ll have the big feelings, but it will be harder to make sense of those big feelings. It’s more likely that you’ll feel overwhelmed. Talking to someone about how you’re feeling helps to bring in the left brain and re-establish a strong, beautiful pathway between the two. When this happens, the left brain can help to calm the big feelings of the right brain, and help you feel calm again.

While we’re on the feel-goods, let’s talk about addiction.

When something happens that’s good for you (like succeeding at something difficult, trying something new and challenging, doing something brave, exercise, spending time with people who feel good to be around), the brain releases chemicals (dopamine) that help you feel good. Dopamine is the ‘that feels good, let’s get more‘ chemical. It’s job is to drive you to seek more of the things that are good for you. 

Addiction comes from this same mechanism. Drug addiction happens when people use substances that the brain was never meant to be exposed to. Addictive drugs release two to ten times the amount of dopamine that healthy things like facing challenges or being with friends do. This means the feel-good rush is more intense, quicker, and more reliable. But there’s a problem. Addictive drugs cause so much dopamine to be released that the brain becomes overwhelmed. The only way brains can deal with the blasting of dopamine that comes with drug use is to release less dopamine. Think of it like turning down the volume on a stereo that’s blasting you with noise.

Here’s the problem – with less dopamine, it becomes harder to feel good. The only way to get those feel-good feelings is with more of the drug, so the drug becomes more wanted and more important than other healthier things that used to feel good. When the effects of the drug start to wear off, the person goes into withdrawal. Withdrawal feels awful and makes people sick, anxious, depressed, angry. To stop this awful feeling, people have to take more of the drug. This is how addiction happens. As your brain, I’m there to look after you, but you also have to look after me by not letting things into your body that are going to hurt me. Let’s make a deal. I’ll keep helping you to be excellent, and you stay away from addictive drugs – they’re bad for both of us. 

The Social Brain.

People feel safer, stronger and wiser in groups because it’s how we look after each other and share information. I’m constantly on the lookout for information about who feels good to be around, who doesn’t, what people might be thinking of you. I don’t always get it right. Like I said, I’m super smart but I can read things wrong sometimes. When this information is positive, it feels good – great actually. When it’s negative, as it is when people are excluded, rejected, humiliated or bullied, the information gets sent through the same pathways as physical pain. This is because pain motivates us to act, and when something feels dangerous, like being excluded, rejected or bullied, the brain sends out messages to get us to act – to either look for support or to avoid the threat. It’s really important to think about the impact you might be having on the brains of people around you. You’re really powerful – we all are – and kind kids are the coolest kids of all. 

I learn best if you take small breaks.

I LOVE learning, so when you expose me to new things or face a challenge (a good one not a stupid one), I reward you with feel-good brain chemicals. I’m designed to be curious and to snap to attention when things change, so I do my best learning when you take small breaks. While we’re talking about learning, your sight, hearing, speaking and movement have their own memory banks. If you’re learning something, the more different ways you can learn it the better. So, listen, write, touch, and say what you need to learn. If you can, act it out. And if you act it out, do it in front of a mirror so I can see, because I think you’d look fabulous doing that.

And finally,

You have extraordinary power to shape your brain in ways that will help you to be good at the things you want to be good at. Don’t worry if you make mistakes along the way because it’s how I learn, strengthen and keep you shimmering. You’re a magic maker, a king, a queen, a legend. Write it on a note and stick it on your mirror. There is so much ‘awesome’ in you. Be brave enough to believe it, and know that with time, effort and patience, you can get better at anything. We’re an amazing team you and I. Thanks for believing in you.

Love from,

Your brain.

26 Comments

Nicole

This REALLY needs to be turned into a children’s book. I’ve been looking for something like this for 8 years of my son’s life. and 40 of my own. 🙂 Thank you!

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Jean Tracy

You engage the child in so many ways, Karen. Being the brain and talking to the child is so clever. Your explanations are clear and paint pictures for the child to remember. Thank you for taking research and making it easy to understand.

I will be posting this on my social media sites and hope others do to.

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Louise

Ditto to everything the others have said, a really valuable article. Please let us know when your book is ready for purchase, Thankyou.

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Nicole N B

Yes, please make this into a book AND online video! I am a mother of 6 kids and clinical social worker. I would devour it, share it, give it away, and spread the word any way requested!!!!!

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VIRGINIA

how simple you describe something so complex as our brain! thank you and keep on! congrats!

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Bonnie S

So much to love about this article! It serves as an uplifting introduction to how positive affirmations and mindfulness can benefit us all. I am a fifth grade teacher who plans to integrate this information into my lessons comparing the thinking and feeling parts of the brain. Looking forward to your children’s book!!!

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Inés Pintos-López

A fantastically worded explanation of the working of our mind! It would ooen a window to the motivation of our behaviour to all, young and old. Thank you!

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Lisa

Amazing article. Very excited to share with my 9 year old and her new pathways in yelling towards my 6 year old. Thankyou and I feel way more empowered in helping the shift toward new pathways that are calmer and less fight/flight.

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Collin Kartchner

Please, make this into a children’s book. I will help. I’m running a big social media campaign in the states to get kids off devices. I speak weekly to 100’s of kids and parents on screen time. This is such an amazing article. Please contact me!

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Noemi L. Lunar

Very informative! How great to share it to young learners so that they will know how to take care of their brains and live not just with knowledge full of informations, but with values weighed mindfully. Thank you and more power!

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Nikki Brown

I love this article as well!! I have 6 kids and am a clinical social worker. Children’s book AND animated video would be amazing.
I would love to share it with everyone I know. Collin Kartchner has a huge following; his support would reach hundreds of thousands of youth!! What a force for good, thank you!!

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Lorraine R

Hi, I am almost 64yrs with 3 adorable grand daughters, all about to have birthdays, which will make them 7, 5, and 3. I still work but fit in my day off caring for the 3 yr old, and of course there’s weekend sleepovers! Your articles are such interesting reading, I have printed some off in the past, and have them in safe keeping until I feel the girls are ready to implement some of them. I particularly found the BRAIN article amazing reading, and am planning to introduce it to my 7 year old grand daughter. Keep up the wonderful articles, they are helpful, insightful and fabulously interesting!

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Niall

Great article! This would be so awesome if it was turned into an animation, so that you really capture our little ones attentions and imaginations.
lovely work!

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Lucyanne

I loved reading every bit of this article, thank-you so much Karen!

I too agree that creating an animation of this information aimed for younger children would serve as a great benefit to them as well as the whole community!

Once again many thanks and bravo!

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Dana Martin

I loved this article! I’m going to read it with my 15-yr-old who is a fantastic human being (thoughtful, kind, vibrant, friendly, intelligent), but he struggles at times with creating negative “pathways.” Even though he does very well on math homework, for example, he often tells himself out loud that “He’s stupid,” whenever he does poorly on a test. I want to nip this habit at the start and this article is just what I needed to be able to convince him better about how his brain works. Then, I’m going to read the article for myself! I liked the information about Mindfulness. I appreciated the introduction sentence: “Mindfulness strengthens the pathway between your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) and the feeling brain (especially the amygdala), making it easier to calm big feelings.” On my bulletin board, I posted a quote from Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, who I heard on Tilt Parenting podcast — “All regulation depends on integration.” This quote reminds me that regulation of sensory input of sound, sight, feelings, etc. depends on how well integrated or connected the neuron pathways are. I’ve always resisted slowing down enough to be Mindful daily, but this gave me the push to understand that Mindfulness will develop integration pathways. Thanks for such an in-depth user friendly article. Very much appreciated.

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Orpah

Dear Karen, great article. It demystifies the works of the brain in very simple terms. I work with children and it’s a motivator next time I will be giving talks of emotional and social intelligence.
Thank you.

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Jack Royhl

Great article that all students should know about.

Please nte, I have changed my email address.

Thank you.

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Pru

Once again Karen your words come at the exact moment in time we need them. While our boy is still struggling in year one with anxiety, your articles make so much sense and provide my husband and I will the right way to communicate with our boy just how special he is.

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JACQUIE ATHERSMITH

Hi Karen, what a great article and how relevant for all kids aged 1-100 ! You have managed to demystify the brains basic functions and capabilities, beautifully. If only I could have read this article as a child before needing five years of child psychiatric counselling ! Ah well, I guess everything we experience on our journey helps to develop us into the amazing individuals we are, so it’s all valuable. Thank you for bringing this into creation and for the healing and support I know it will bring to readers. Kind Regards Jacquie Athersmith x

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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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