by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

[post-views] VIEWS

Increasing Your Influence – How to Talk So Others Will Listen

Here are three secrets for making it more likely that you’ll get what you want from a conversation. (And who doesn’t want that!)

The Take-Aways

Sometimes we have to have tough conversations. Here’s how to maximise your changes of getting what you need:

    1. Start calm – even if you’re a fiesty bundle of fury inside. When you’re feeling furious, anxious, jealous, scared – any of the big feels – it’s easy to come into a conversation showing those big feelings. The problem with this is that it can make it more likely that the other person will feel attacked or blamed. As soon as this happens, it makes it more likely that the other person will yell (fight) or shut down (flee). This is a defensive thing. As soon as the brain senses that we might be under attack, it goes into defence mode and gets us organised to protect ourselves. That shutting down and not listening, walking away from the conversation, hanging up, or yelling back. People often attack to defend themselves.
    2. You can feel one way, and act another. You can be angry and calm; or jealous and generous; scared and brave. This doesn’t mean ‘not feeling’, it means not letting your feelings get in the way of you getting what you need. Remember you only have to do it for the few minutes while you’re starting the conversation. The easier and safer you make it for someone to stay in conversation with you, the more likely it is that he or she will be able to hear you and give you what you need. Tt’s something that you’re doing a little bit for the other person and a lot for you.
    3. Acknowledge how the other person is feeling. Acknowledging and validating the other person doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It’s another important way to help make it easier and safer for the other person to stay in conversation with you. This makes it more likely that you’ll be heard, which in turn increases your chances of getting what you need. Think about what it is the other person might be needing from you, or what they’re trying to say and acknowledge that. This might sound something like, “I understand this is how you feel,” or “I can see that this is really important to you,” or, “I understand you feel like I’m doing this and its hurting you”. 
    4. Remember – just because you’re right, doesn’t mean the other person is wrong. And in the same way, just because the other person is wrong, doesn’t mean you are completely right. Often it’s about points of view, we see things differently. We have different needs, different wants, different histories and they all come in. We’re going to disagree on things. Normally in any conversation or when the things we need conflict both people are a little bit right. So if you can find what it is in the other person that feels ‘right’ or important for them, even if it doesn’t feel right to you, that will increase your chances of being heard.
    5. Name what’s in it for the other person if they listen to you. If you’re having a difficult conversation with someone,  point out what he or she can gain from listening to you. Maximise your changes of being heard by letting the other person know that you’re not just in it for you, you’re in it for them too. So, you have an invested interest in what they want and you’re going to do what you can to make sure their needs are met. 

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karenyoung_heysigmund

Anxiety is driven by a lack of certainty about safety. It doesn’t mean they aren’t safe, and it certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t capable. It means they don’t feel safe enough - yet.

The question isn’t, ‘How do we fix them?’ They aren’t broken.

It’s, ‘How do we fix what’s happening around them to help them feel so they can feel safe enough to be brave enough?’

How can we make the environment feel safer? Sensory accommodations? Relational safety?

Or if the environment is as safe as we can make it, how can we show them that we believe so much in their safety and their capability, that they can rest in that certainty?

They can feel anxious, and do brave.

We want them to listen to their anxiety, check things out, but don’t always let their anxiety take the lead.

Sometimes it’s spot on. And sometimes it isn’t. Whole living is about being able to tell the difference.

As long as they are safe, let them know you believe them, and that you believe IN them. ‘I know this feels big and I know you can handle this. We’ll do this together.’♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 16

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18487124080077945
Anxiety is driven by a lack of certainty about safety. It doesn’t mean they aren’t safe, and it certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t capable. It means they don’t feel safe enough - yet. The question isn’t, ‘How do we fix them?’ They aren’t broken. It’s, ‘How do we fix what’s happening around them to help them feel so they can feel safe enough to be brave enough?’ How can we make the environment feel safer? Sensory accommodations? Relational safety? Or if the environment is as safe as we can make it, how can we show them that we believe so much in their safety and their capability, that they can rest in that certainty? They can feel anxious, and do brave. We want them to listen to their anxiety, check things out, but don’t always let their anxiety take the lead. Sometimes it’s spot on. And sometimes it isn’t. Whole living is about being able to tell the difference. As long as they are safe, let them know you believe them, and that you believe IN them. ‘I know this feels big and I know you can handle this. We’ll do this together.’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Research has shown us, without a doubt, that a sense of belonging is one of the most important contributors to wellbeing and success at school.

Yet for too many children, that sense of belonging is dependent on success and wellbeing. The belonging has to come first, then the rest will follow.

Rather than, ‘What’s wrong with them?’, how might things be different for so many kids if we shift to, ‘What needs to happen to let them know we want them here?’❤️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 13

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 17907179373252211
Research has shown us, without a doubt, that a sense of belonging is one of the most important contributors to wellbeing and success at school. Yet for too many children, that sense of belonging is dependent on success and wellbeing. The belonging has to come first, then the rest will follow. Rather than, ‘What’s wrong with them?’, how might things be different for so many kids if we shift to, ‘What needs to happen to let them know we want them here?’❤️

karenyoung_heysigmund

There is a quiet strength in making space for the duality of being human. It`s how we honour the vastness of who we are, and expand who we can be.

So much of our stuckness, and our children`s stuckness, comes from needing to silence the parts of us that don`t fit with who we `should` be. Or from believing that the thought or feeling showing up the loudest is the only truth.

We believe their anxiety, because their brave is softer - there, but softer.
We believe our `not enoughness`, because our `everything to everyone all the time` has been stretched to threadbare for a while.
We feel scared so we lose faith in our strength.

One of our loving roles as parents is to show our children how to make space for their own contradictions, not to fight them, or believe the thought or feeling that is showing up the biggest. Honour that thought or feeling, and make space for the `and`.

Because we can be strong and fragile all at once.
Certain and undone.
Anxious and brave.
Tender and fierce.
Joyful and lonely.
We can love who we are and miss who we were.

When we make space for `Yes, and ...` we gently hold our contradictions in one hand, and let go of the need to fight them. This is how we make loving space for wholeness, in us and in our children.

We validate what is real while making space for what is possible.

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 12

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18161977504376415
There is a quiet strength in making space for the duality of being human. It's how we honour the vastness of who we are, and expand who we can be. So much of our stuckness, and our children's stuckness, comes from needing to silence the parts of us that don't fit with who we 'should' be. Or from believing that the thought or feeling showing up the loudest is the only truth. We believe their anxiety, because their brave is softer - there, but softer. We believe our 'not enoughness', because our 'everything to everyone all the time' has been stretched to threadbare for a while. We feel scared so we lose faith in our strength. One of our loving roles as parents is to show our children how to make space for their own contradictions, not to fight them, or believe the thought or feeling that is showing up the biggest. Honour that thought or feeling, and make space for the 'and'. Because we can be strong and fragile all at once. Certain and undone. Anxious and brave. Tender and fierce. Joyful and lonely. We can love who we are and miss who we were. When we make space for 'Yes, and ...' we gently hold our contradictions in one hand, and let go of the need to fight them. This is how we make loving space for wholeness, in us and in our children. We validate what is real while making space for what is possible.

karenyoung_heysigmund

All feelings are important. What’s also important is the story - the ‘why’ - we put to those feelings.

When our children are distressed, anxious, in fight or flight, we’ll feel it. We’re meant to. It’s one of the ways we keep them safe. Our brains tell us they’re in danger and our bodies organise to fight for them or flee with them.

When there is an actual threat, this is a perfect response. But when the anxiety is in response to something important, brave, new, hard, that instinct to fight for them or flee with them might not be so helpful.

When you can, take a moment to be clear about the ‘why’. Are they in danger or

Ask, ‘Do I feel like this because they’re in danger, or because they’re doing something hard, brave, new, important?’

‘Is this a time for me to keep them safe (fight for them or flee with them) or is this a time for me to help them be brave?’

‘What am I protecting them from - danger or an opportunity to show them they can do hard things?’

Then make space for ‘and’, ‘I want to protect them AND they are safe.’

‘I want to protect them from anxiety AND anxiety is unavoidable - I can take care of them through it.’

‘This is so hard AND they can do hard things. So can I.’

Sometimes you’ll need to protect them, and sometimes you need to show them how much you believe in them. Anxiety can make it hard to tell the difference, which is why they need us.♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 9

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18402399316189479
All feelings are important. What’s also important is the story - the ‘why’ - we put to those feelings. When our children are distressed, anxious, in fight or flight, we’ll feel it. We’re meant to. It’s one of the ways we keep them safe. Our brains tell us they’re in danger and our bodies organise to fight for them or flee with them. When there is an actual threat, this is a perfect response. But when the anxiety is in response to something important, brave, new, hard, that instinct to fight for them or flee with them might not be so helpful. When you can, take a moment to be clear about the ‘why’. Are they in danger or Ask, ‘Do I feel like this because they’re in danger, or because they’re doing something hard, brave, new, important?’ ‘Is this a time for me to keep them safe (fight for them or flee with them) or is this a time for me to help them be brave?’ ‘What am I protecting them from - danger or an opportunity to show them they can do hard things?’ Then make space for ‘and’, ‘I want to protect them AND they are safe.’ ‘I want to protect them from anxiety AND anxiety is unavoidable - I can take care of them through it.’ ‘This is so hard AND they can do hard things. So can I.’ Sometimes you’ll need to protect them, and sometimes you need to show them how much you believe in them. Anxiety can make it hard to tell the difference, which is why they need us.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

The only way through anxiety is straight through the middle. This is because the part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - is one of the most primitive parts of the brain, and it only learns through experience.

The goal is for kids to recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They don`t have to wait for their anxiety to disappear, and they don`t need to disappear themselves, or avoid the things that matter to them, in order to feel safe.

There is always going to be anxiety. Think about the last time you did something brave, or hard, or new, or something that was important to you. How did you feel just before it? Maybe stressed? Nervous? Terrified? Overwhelmed? All of these are different words for the experience of anxiety. Most likely you didn`t avoid those things. Most likely, you moved with the anxiety towards those brave, hard, things.

This is what courage feels like. It feels trembly, and uncertain, and small. Courage isn`t about outcome. It`s about process. It`s about handling the discomfort of anxiety enough as we move towards the wanted thing. It`s about moving our feet forward while everything inside is trembling.

To support them through anxiety, Honour the feeling, and make space for the brave. `I know how big this is for you, and I know you can do this. I`m here for you. We`ll do this together.`

We want our kiddos to know that anxiety doesn`t mean there is something wrong with them, or that something bad is about to happen - even though it will feel that way.

Most often, anxiety is a sign that they are about to do something brave or important. With the amygdala being the ancient little pony that it is, it won`t hear us when we tell our kiddos that they can do hard things. We need to show them.

The `showing` doesn`t have to happen all at once. We can do it little by little - like getting into cold water, one little step at a time, until the amygdala feels safe.

It doesn`t matter how long this takes, or how small the steps are. What matters is that they feel supported and cared for as they take the steps, and that the steps are forward.❤️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 7

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 17905188510122516
The only way through anxiety is straight through the middle. This is because the part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - is one of the most primitive parts of the brain, and it only learns through experience. The goal is for kids to recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They don't have to wait for their anxiety to disappear, and they don't need to disappear themselves, or avoid the things that matter to them, in order to feel safe. There is always going to be anxiety. Think about the last time you did something brave, or hard, or new, or something that was important to you. How did you feel just before it? Maybe stressed? Nervous? Terrified? Overwhelmed? All of these are different words for the experience of anxiety. Most likely you didn't avoid those things. Most likely, you moved with the anxiety towards those brave, hard, things. This is what courage feels like. It feels trembly, and uncertain, and small. Courage isn't about outcome. It's about process. It's about handling the discomfort of anxiety enough as we move towards the wanted thing. It's about moving our feet forward while everything inside is trembling. To support them through anxiety, Honour the feeling, and make space for the brave. 'I know how big this is for you, and I know you can do this. I'm here for you. We'll do this together.' We want our kiddos to know that anxiety doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, or that something bad is about to happen - even though it will feel that way. Most often, anxiety is a sign that they are about to do something brave or important. With the amygdala being the ancient little pony that it is, it won't hear us when we tell our kiddos that they can do hard things. We need to show them. The 'showing' doesn't have to happen all at once. We can do it little by little - like getting into cold water, one little step at a time, until the amygdala feels safe. It doesn't matter how long this takes, or how small the steps are. What matters is that they feel supported and cared for as they take the steps, and that the steps are forward.❤️

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