We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
I have a sister who I wasn’t raised with due to my mother being locked up in jail. I was 2 in a half at the time my brother 18 months ahead of me . Our sister is 10 years older .
I have always had issues with her as I started getting older . I always assumed that it was because I didn’t share the same father as her and my brother . But current to date I moved an hour aya from where I was living to start a new life .
For once in my life I am around my family again my brothers like 15 mins away my sister and mother [they live together] 5 mins away . I finally get my life together I was always a bum party animal drunk . Now I have a 2 year old I work I make good money my daughters dad works and makes good money we have a home ,nice things inside it feels like it’s all coming together .
I was wrong , once again my sister and I are not getting along . It will start with nothing , nothing as in nothing out of the ordinary that I did to her like an argument . I end up feeling shunned because my mom lives with her and it always seem like when my sister and I are fighting no other family member talks to me as well .
Well the last time we talked it was catty . She was giving me a table and I do need a table but it was already 2 weeks in my new place and I needed a table . When I seen her i didn’t mention the table she told ME that she will bring the table later … I assume like anyone else later in the day . So I asked her when ? She replies in the most petty passive aggressive way possible ” well I DONT want to do it today and I CANT do it tomorrow !”
At that point I don’t even want the dam table anymore . So I tell her it’s okay I’ll buy one , lol she says “why do you want another bill ?!” I told her my bills aren’t her business she said she was throwing it in the trash and that was the last we talked .
Mean while a holiday has passed and neither my sister or my mom make an attempted to be a aunt and grama . It’s very sad I’ve come to the point that these little immature fights that happen between my sister and are a pattern .
Hurts my heart that I still want a family . I am now in defensive mode for my daughter . I am lost at where do I go from here with them ? I love my life and want them apart of that but my sister whose 10 years older then me proceeds to let stupid stuff make us not speak to eachother .
I honestly feel she already wasn’t really wanting to talk to be before she got snotty . The table is now an official reason to not talk to me . A reason to give people . I’m lost for words because this has been going on for years . She is insanely jealous person that you can’t even have a relationship with her . I feel with her don’t come around if your hair is nicer or she feels your clothes are nice and won’t compliment rather just not say anything . I could have went to dinner and she got jealous .
I have been doing my own thing now for a few weeks but have a check going to my sisters house . I am afraid she will not tell me it’s there. Close friends and family ” are you sure she would do that ” my reply . I have NO idea .
I almost feel she wouldn’t tell me or throw it away . I try not to think like that because I need the money . On top of that I have belongings there too . Ayas stuff my husbands stuff … So I feel like I have to kiss their ass and not really tell them I’m upset until I get my stuff .
Hate feeling this stress . I just got a beautiful home and have a great job . I don’t want to have problems I feel great happier then I have ever been . Can’t help but feel anger when I feel my mom shouldn’t take a side and still be apart of my life reguardless .
I pray for guidance .
Sincerely ,
Lost .
For me it my Aunt who helped raise me, when I was little she would always ask me “When you get older your going to take care of me, right?” I thought at that time she was just asking to teach me about being there for family…that was until I realized that she never really wanted me to get married or have children. Or have a social life, for years my friends would come and say lets go skating or let’s go on a trip and I would have to ask permission (at 18) because she had me convinced that no one would ever really accept me or like me. As I got older I found myself being bullied into handing over not only the inheritance my Father (her brother) left me but also my paychecks from work while she did not work at all. This stopped when I moved out and started a family of my own but the manipulation has not stopped I’m married and have three children – she has successfully gotten my children kicked out of daycare; because she shows up trying to control when they would be picked up while I’m at work, gotten me fired from jobs because she called every hour on the hour. Luckily my oldest is 16 now and my middle child is 15 so I don’t have to worry about a babysitter – but wait she now comes to my home when my husband and I are at work and forces the children to come to her house because its safer. I could go on but my hands are getting tired and thinking about this is making me angry! Any advice you all have would be awesome and greatly appreciated!!
move far away from her and dont tell her where your going dont tell her where the kids are going to school cut off all contact with this lady and just go
I would like to thankyou for this wonderful and insightful article.
It has helped me make the changes I needed to move on with my life.
I have been in a friendship with a toxic person for nearly 25yrs. I’ve felt small, critized, misinterpreted and just plain bewildered at times, stuck in a cycle so this person could keep control to bolster their own low self esteem. I know my own childhood experiences and battles with low self esteem are how I got in this situation in the first place.
I’ve known for a long time what I’ve needed to do but always ended up back where I was, feeling weak for not being able to walk away.
Well after reading some of your articles I decided I deserved better.
I kept this article pinned to my phone home screen and everytime I doubted myself or felt guilt over walking away from this person I read it and felt resolve and strength in my decision.
I admit I do feel a bit lonely now as this was a ‘ best friend’, someone I shared a large part of my life with. There were good times as well but life with a toxic friend is lonely anyway. At least Im looking after myself now. There is room in my life for more positive friendships that I hope will come in time.
I’m 40yrs old this year. Instead of looking back over the last 25yrs with regret I feel strong, empowered and have learnt valuable lessons. I can now move forward to the next chapter in a positive way and it feels amazing!
Usually these “toxic” people were victims of abuse, neglect, or worse. I did every one of these to my husband, but he stuck it out, I got therapy, and things are much better. People behave this way because they don’t know what else to do. Also, as for the “it’s clear that something is bothering them, but they’ll say ‘nothing'” it could be that they don’t know and so they’ll say “nothing” Because they recognize they’re upset but have no idea why. This was one of my biggest challenges. Turns out, when you neglect an infant, the emotional processing part of the brain shuts down so they don’t feel as much pain and suffering. Just numbness. Thus, an inability to recognize and deal with emotions as adults.
Next time maybe try some compassion. Most of us already hate that we are the way we are and there’s a lot of shame and guilt associated with it.
Google “complex PTSD,” “developmental trauma disorder,” and “attachment disorders in adults.” Just see if you feel any differently. These people need support systems. Not to be tossed out like toxic trash.
I will say this – if someone isn’t willing to do the work to change, that’s different. But sometimes they don’t even realize until several failed relationships with the same patterns later, that something was hardwired improperly at some point.
Sincerely,
A girl who was neglected, sexually abused, emotionally manipulated, and physically abused by her birth mom. I’m on the road to recovery & have had to apologize to many along the way.
I’m so glad I read this. I was involved with a VERY TOXIC guy for almost 5 years. At first it was great…then he slowly started showing me the real him. Throughout those years I dealt with heartache, embarassement, ALOT of mental emotional and verbal abuse(It was REALLY bad). There were so many other women I knew nothing about.. He even had another child with someone else. You could say I was dumb..REALLY dumb. But it was love (at least I thought it was) Its like I was believing/forcing someone to change who refused to. The abuse got so bad to the point I would have nervous breakdowns and even thought about suicide MANY times. I would always say to him “you treat me so much worst than the others”…when really I shouldn’t have put up with it period. He is bipolar/schizophrenic so I dealt with a couple bipolar episodes…but it doesn’t matter and it’s no excuse. Honestly I’m in the process of ending things with him and trying to heal. It hurts so bad, it really does. But I honestly believe if I keep fooling with him I’m going to drive myself to suicide. But, I’m starting to accept things for how they are and that I don’t deserve this. This situation is so bad to the point I would NEVER wish it on anybody!!!! I felt like he drained my soul out of me and did these bad things because he knew he had me and that id come back everytime. If you’re reading this just asking that you keep me in your thoughts. Any women out there dealing with this type of guy YOU DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT!!!! Youre worth so much more ladies!!! I’m so glad im finally realizing my worth as a woman..I will continue learning to love myself more so that I will never experience this again ever in my life.
My neighbor is so TOXIC!! As soon as she moved into my neighborhood..she immediately took me by surprise and became my best friend!! Sooner than later, she began telling me bits and pieces about her life..family has deserted her..husband left her..lost her job, surgery after surgery.. Finally a year later..after another surgery..I waited on her hand and foot..bring her dinnner every night, cleaning her house..taking care of this and that..but did she ever call or text me?? No!! So I thought to myself..what the hell am I doing?? I held off and she never called me or texted me for 2 weeks..she had me on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. One day happy/one day bitchy and accusing me of things that had nothing to do with my life..Basically she unloaded he crap on me blaming me for her life!! Finally I told her she was a trainwreck and I haven’t talked to her since..I finally realized how toxic she is and I just want to get rid of the toxicity! I have booked two appointments for a salt/foot bath with Ions..I hope it helps!! I feel so much better now that I’ve figured out what was causing my saddness, depression, etc..I was being controlled by a TOXIC BITCH!!
I work with someone like this. She is a substandard teacher; I was asked to help her. I was working harder at helping her than she was. Turned on me after I bought her lunches, listened to her discredit friends, etc. Then, when I wouldn’t fabricate documents for her, she turned on me and went to our superiors stating that I made her feel threatened and attacked. She moved onto another person/ victim manipulating this person into remodeling her entire workspace. I am at a loss.
Wow, i think me and my ex is a toxic people, i always said sorry and he never would have respond anything and he dont even said sorry….although we are separated now, but im kind of obsessed with him still…im so confused and do not know what is happening with me…. can you help me? maybe give me some suggestion and solutions….Thanks
Wow, seriously, i think i myself and my ex is toxic, he never say sorry, but im the one who always did…..although we separated, but i still quite obsessed with him, and im so confused why i will act in this way….any idea or suggestion you can help me? I dont know what’s going on with me. Thanks
Chloe you might find something to help you in these articles:
>> When Someone You Love is Toxic: https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
>> How to Let Go When It’s Unhappily Ever After: https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-relationship-how-to-let-go/
Thanks for the articles….i just got too tired of living my life…although now im in new relationship with a very very caring and good guy, i cant feel anything….its just like all the love and emotions are all locked up…..i dont know what to do with it….
I wrote a lot and somehow the wrong comment posted so I will try to rewrite….This article is spot on. I think sometimes I am crazy, that i am worth nothing, that there is nothing left of myself. I don’t want to do anything for myself, I have a hard time getting through the day sometimes, I only want to be around my kids. I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years with a man who in the end, after he brought my self esteem so low and gaslighted me to the max, gave me smaller and smaller amounts of what I wanted (or wanted to hear) just to keep me on the line, said I was not worth it and he didn’t care about me…among other things. Everything I needed was ridiculous, everything I wanted I got the opposite, talking to him was like to a brick wall, I was always wrong, he was always angry and cold, unless he wanted something. I had to make him leave a couple months ago, but I still love him. I decided I am done with men. I can’t do this again. So many bad relationships and each one is worse. So i am working on a celibacy plan. Right now life is about survival and my kids. What I need does not matter anymore. But although I quit talking to him and I don’t even look at his face when he comes to see the kids, he still cuts me down to them and acts like it’s nothing. And of course my feelings are not heard. Why do I still love him? You guys make it sound so easy, just cut them out of your life, move on, you can only control your own actions i KNOW these things, but I literally feel like I am dying and each day is worse. None of my friends understand. I have my mom but she is far away. And anyway, I don’t know what to do. I have tried everything I know how, but he ruined my life. I gave him everything I had left and now I have 3 kids, by 2 diff dads. One of my kids is 5 months old. I won’t put them through anything like this again. And my heart hurts. It gets worse every day. I wish something helped.
It’s the worst pain loving a man that takes you for granted. I just went through it myself for a year thinking that everything I gave him, love, attention, time and energy, I thought I was showing him how loyal and thoughtful and loving I am towards him. He told me that’s the type of girl he wanted and that is the type that I am and I tried so hard to love him only to finally accept that he never loved me. He took me for everything I had, took advantage of me, called me names, manipulated me and made me feel worthless and blamed me for everything. I kept thinking he was going to change but he continued to blame me saying that I made him this way. He doesn’t know that the friends I’ve spoken to that know him well told me he does this with every girl and it’s not worth it. He sweet talked me and he was my first, and I just so much wanted him to be my only. But he blocked me, gave me the silent treatment called me crazy and phycho and left. Then told me he will talk to me when he’s ready and that I better not be sleeping with other people. It was the worst kind of pain and torture I have ever been through and u don’t wish this pain on anybody. I don’t understand how people can do this and be so cruel without even knowing it. I loved this man so much and he made me feel like it was never enough. It’s the worst kind of pain, but I am trying everyday to stay strong and move on because I know he’s sleeping around and thinks it’s okay. It’s so wrong. He has a daughter too and still messes with girls. I just don’t understand.
I went through the same thing, taken for granted, being manipulated to believe your the cause of his anger, not good enough, a burden. Truth be told its not you, he is insecure and miserable with himself and his short comings. Misery loves company. Stay strong time will make it easier eventually, it just takes time.
To Heidi: I have only been married once. It lasted for 20 years. He was my first and only. I am older, wiser. No money, nor security but, I was gifted with my beautiful children. You WILL get better. You will heal. But you must enforce no contact. I have learned that I must become my own best friend and look out for my wellbeing as I would my child or a dear friend. And your heart? It is resilient, It can withstand great storms. Strive to think and reason well. There is someone trustworthy enough that you know who can help you format a plan to move you forward. I have done it. We survived eviction, came within a hairs width of homelessness twice, but WE ARE HERE. Everyday choosing our humanity over becoming monsters. You need yourself. Your children are watching. Show them how it is done. Fight for your life, for beauty, for worthiness.
One day at a time, Keep going. Keep going….
Ok. I wish I could go. I can’t find anyone to watch Ruger of course. 🙁 I might try and see how he does but usually I have to leave because he will not sit
To Chery,
I was going tthrough the post as well as ur comments and realised the similarities we have in our own personal toxic realtionships ,and i cant get over the fact how easy it is to loose ones self with these over manupaltive people who take our rooms , our space ,our time in the name of a relationship and turn it to their convience long as our time is dedicated to serve them and their clothes laundry food time to come home and when we know we have the right to question tem then these losers make it all about our nature atitude and temprament .
i had a bad day again cause of him and when i said i pointed out that it was his things that are lying in my place cause of which both my health and cleanliness of the room have gone for a toss he was like ,r u mad ,ur family thinks that to, thats what u gving ur family a reason it point fingers at u , i said thts about it . he has to move out of my place for good , but before i closed this chapter in my life i wanted to give my self the benefit of the doubt that i was doing the right thing , cause this man had played with my strength so badly that i started doubting myself.
Anyways i wish u a good and a happy and peacefull life to.
My B/F. .It went on for years..
It was the most crazy making thing I have ever been through. Some of the things he did were so outlandish and shocking.. That I was reeling with confusion from them.From almost day one…
Accusing me of things I never thought , much less said or did..
Always finding fault, always picking me apart.. Telling me I projected a nasty attitude and no one liked me..
Just constantly tearing me down. Shredding me and leaving more and more of me piled up in a heap..A life time of feeling good about myself, my accomplishments.. Which were plenty…..
He slowly turned me into a unsure, insecure person that felt unloved, unliked, and incapable of functioning around other people.
And when he had me to the point I didn’t even know how to defend myself.After years of being screamed over, shouted down.. Unable to be heard..I gave up trying…
THEN he started badgering me for being a woos!! Who didn’t even try to defend herself..
Something inside me though , said I had , had enough.
I knew better than to bother speaking to him. Trying to speak only got me screamed at.. He refused to ever hear me out..
I suddenly rose back up and saw the me I used to be.. And knew the only difference between then and now.. Was him..
And though dumping him totally has seemed impossible..
I now ignore him.. I rarely look at him.
HE takes the silence and enjoys it.. But I’m only protecting myself .. I am moving on.. And one day he will show up and I will be gone.
He is totally unaware that he means nothing to me anymore..
One day when I am totally gone.. He won’t understand. To that I am sure… He will complain he was wronged. To that I am sure.
I hear you. I have been down that road and still cause I love him.everything my fault am basically not allowed feeling of how I feel and if I don’t have them he ssid he will love me more. It upsets me he thinks he can talk on the phone for 40 mins to this female and no the whole time how I feel about it as its happened before. It makes me anoxious and frustrated epically to no I’m suppose to be ok with it when he could of cut it short knowing it hurts me but with rather not upset her instead. Any help on this please
It’s possible that he actually enjoys upsetting you! My ex-husband did the same thing. He also put pictures on the wall of another woman. He treated me like an object without feelings, opinions, desires, and incapable of a thought separate from his. I was so hurt when he talked on the phone for hours to other women, but would not talk to me. He’s go to work never call. Spend time on the phone after work. When he saw how upset I was I noticed a slight grin on his face! WHAT! Yes, he was actually enjoying seeing me in pain. When I asked if he was enjoying himself, his grin grew wider. Something broke in me and that day I began planning to leave. Once I left, he was shocked and begged me to come back. That was 4 years ago. I still love him but life is too short and I am so happy to be away from him. I’ve broken all communication with him.
It was this article that startred it all. The answer that broke the comfusion wide open. A bittetsweet blessing for me and for many. It was this same article I read 5 months ago. I checked in today and see it is the gift that keeps on giving. A portal that PTSD survivors step through to find their twilight zone fog lifted and understanding granted. It is amazing that it is still doing this for so many who like me were lost and searching for an answer. I imagine this articles thread to continue for months, if not years. And I wanted to thank you sincerely for writing it, It has been a guiding light in a cavern of darkness. This was the article that named what happened to me and set me on the path to exploration and recovery. May God continue to bless you for writing and sharing it.
Thank you Sabreen. It sounds as though you have had a difficult time, though one of great strength and courage. I’m pleased this article helped you find the clarity and strength you needed – it really means a lot to me that you have let me know. Keep moving forward. Love and strength to you.
Thank you for this article. It helped me to see that the relationship I’ve been in for the last 2 months has been toxic. The most difficult thing about this is the disappointment and hurt it has caused.
You’re so welcome Deb. It doesn’t matter how much pain the relationship causes, realising that it’s not working, or never going to work can still be so heartbreaking. There will be things you will have learned about yourself and people from being in this relationship. No experience is ever wasted. What is a waste is hanging on to something long after the realisation that it is no longer good for you.
This is me right now. I live with my parents still and even typing this is making me shake already. I’m 21 now and still trying to move out. And it doesn’t help that they’re in their 50’s of age.
Finally hit me this morning. It has been weeks of drained energy, depression, etc. I am surrounded by these people right now. I left my job of 30 yrs. And left the door wide open for them. I realized just now, because I grew up with no boundaries in a toxic household. I had been using my unhappy career to keep them at a safe distance. I have already cut off one family member and now unfortunately their will be more. I have alot of work to do on myself, and simply can’t allow them this control anymore. This may not seem like the healthiest approach however, I am too old to backtrack now. It is save myself time. I searched for this information, and know I’m in for a long road but that’s o.k. I am simply relieved because I actually felt like I may be heading for a nervous breakdown. I attracted much of these people due to my sensitive, tolerant nature but without a job as a safety net, I am as vulnerable as a baby. New Direction! It’s painful but I am willing to sacrifice them for me! It sounds harsh but this was extremely insightful and it scared the be Jesus outta me!
Tyler, get out as soon as you can. My advice is get as far away geographically as you can. Do not let them hoover you back – they will try guilt trips, illness, threats and maybe empty promises of gifts. I wish I had gotten away for good when I was 21. Instead I used to drop everything and run back every time one of them got sick and ended up in hospital. It happened a LOT. Almost 25 years later I am nothing but a life support system for two vampires. Despite them both being hospitalised several times for fatal illnesses they have always pulled through. Their illnesses and hospitalisations have cost me relationships, friendships and prevented me moving forward in my career. The older they get the worse it is. I am now in my 40s and never get to see friends because of their needs. I have stress-related autoimmune conditions and am trying to recover from burnout but I have to put my recovery on the back burner because the vampires always need something from me. There are days I am so tired I don’t care if I live or die. I wish I had cut ties completely with them and not tried to be the good child.
Chery, I am right there with you. Your words are beautifully said and were perfect for me to hear right now. I wish you luck as you rid yourself of the hurt that you don’t deserve. I am beginning my journey today…
This description fits my father so exact that it sends chills down my spine. I’m so shocked at how this article is so right on with everything.
I have read that not only do they look for ways to abuse you, but in the quiet honeymoon faze they are planning how to hurt, torment and tear you down next time. Two, they don’t love you at all. They are incapable of love and empathy. Run tun run heal your mind and body.
I feel the same way 22 years have gone by and two kids later, nothing has changed. I just realized it. I have to now prepare myself and my kids financially and emotionally for the separation that is to come. Because I can not allow my daughters to grow up thinking it’s ok to be verbally abused by a man because they see their father doing it to their mother.
I can relate to this article very well, and it is a bit disheartening. My S.O exhibits nearly all of these behaviors. Of course it hasnt always been this way, or I would have not gotten involved in the first place. I feel that every comment I make, opinion I state that differs from his own, I’m met with rude comments, name calling, and outright condescension. Admittedly, I have allowed this behavior in the past, thinking he doesn’t really mean it, but I’m realizing more and more that he does or doesn’t care. I try communicating this with him(I’m more or less isolated from friends and family, and don’t have anyone else to speak with anyway.) when I tell him my feelings are hurt, he instantly is mad, yelling, calling names, and telling me that I’m all the things he’s behaving as. It’s gotten to the point where I do not want to sleep with him, which of course is another problem in itself. We typically have sex at least once a day, which I feel is pretty darn healthy. Even when we do, it’s not enough times a day, or the wrong time of day, or isn’t the sex HE wanted.( though he makes no effort himself to change anything) and if I’m not feeling well or not in the mood, it’s all hell to pay. He will ignore me, give me the cold shoulder, respond like he isn’t even a friend to me. This turns me off even more, and I desire him less and less. I love him dearly, and have done really amazing memories with him for the past 10years, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I refuse to be bullied! It hurts, and I feels alone. I also must mention that I pay all of the bills for the house, (I work full time, he works part time) I do all of the cleaning, yard work(he refuses to mow the lawn b/c he’s allegedly allergic…he’s not) I also have been remodeling the home on the solo, because he has no interest in helping and will throw a fit if I ask for help. I also need to mention, as embarrassing as it is, that he does drive me to and from work b/c I don’t have a liscense. (That’s another story in itself) I’m also embarrassed to admit that as i write this,I’m ducking and dodging this post individuals from his eyes, as he slunks about the homestead, because that would be a fight as well. Part of me wants to make it work b/c it has we have worked well together in the past, but part of me is ready for a new chapter. This is selfish on my behalf, but I’m worried that all this care and money I’ve personally invested in this home will be for naught, and I worry that I will not have a means to get to work. Any insight, advice, stories,that anyone would like to share with me, would be greatly appreciated.
That’s my wife! I would have never married her if she had shown me this side, but for years she put on a mask. Now we unfortunately have a child together and aside from murdering her and keeping my daughter, I don’t have an out. I think if i divorce her it will affect my daughter and she won’t let me see her.
I started reading this article with the hope that it would provide me with insight on how to deal with my mother. In reading it I realized I have become toxic also to my own children. The first few signs were classic mom, then as the article progressed I realized that I had done the same things to my own older children. I am on a path to correct my life and I am glad that this article has put a little more focus, for me, on what I am doing wrong.
I really wonder, what makes them this way? how do they become toxic? and can it be cured?
Joe, this might help to answer some of your questions https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
What do you do when the toxic person in your life is your spouse?!
Monica, this might help https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
This is interesting stuff. I have been toxic, I have had toxic people in my life, I have seen changes in people I knew who have learnt more about psychology etc, I guess the key point is how you feel at the end of the day. Life truly is too short to spend time on energetically draining people, if only I had realised that sooner. My mother is a toxic person but she has good qualities too. What you focus on grows, I learnt that I love some people too much to cut them out of my life, but its important to limit your time with them. One hour, all good try to bring out the best.
However some people are truly toxic and need an impetus to change, for me I had a wake up call when a friend cut me out of her life ten years ago now. It was painful but I did understand, deep down I was in so much pain and loneliness.
However I have found that some people just lack awareness of their toxicity because no one has bought it up. Be brave and tell the other person your side of things. It takes two to work on a relationship.
However that being said, most toxic people need to have professional therapy and very few can afford it.
Love is a powerful force, offer compassion but honor yourself, also bear in mind people do change and mature. Perhaps if you let go of your own resentments toward the person you will notice that.
Set boundaries and stick by them. Make NO your favourite word.
And seriously, do what makes you happy. If someone is not happy that you are happy, they will fade out of your life.
My ex best mate was horribly toxic, her and my mum, jealous of my life. I tried hard to achieve my dreams and had so much fun, living and loving my life. I had people around me begin to demand my time but try to steal my friends or boyfriends.
I never really understood why, I am special but I believe everyone is special and unique.
Anyway, they would use my house as a place to get drunk and just ohhh I was treated so badly by these people. Doormat.
Anyway, when I got engaged and had my lovely baby, where were all my friends?
Choking on their own toxicity elsewhere because I focused on my happiness first, because their is nothing wrong with that.
Enlightening. This is my wife…to the tee. After ten years of marriage, the intensity of her behavior continues to rise. I think you’ve helped me make that important decision. I’d rather be alone than manipulated.
You helped me realize that my boyfriend is toxic person some of the thing you mention he do and I end up been the bad guy with guilt and stress
These girl I know they like to watch me suffer! They make me feel fat of ugly I try to stay away from them but they always find away to make sure I’m with them?
Lizzie you are doing the right thing by staying away from them. These people are trying to convince you of something that just isn’t true. You are so much more than they could ever know.
This is my Wife to a tee. I love her very much. She is a joy to be with when she is happy, however when she is not she is the most Toxic of people.
I can recognise about 10 out of the 12 points above in my Wife’s personality. She is not nice to be around when she is like this. She started a row on Sunday just gone over the smallest of things and now it Thursday and the silent treatment still continues. She only speaks to me in an aggressive tone.
I have though about leaving her in the past however I have 2 sons (8&7) that I love very much and I couldn’t bear to leave them in this situation.
To be honest – Most of my Wife’s Family are like this, Here Sister & brother are exactly the same.
Could you suggest any books I could read or techniques that I could use to try help with managing this behaviour
Ed I completely understand how difficult this is. Managing this issue is more about managing the impact it has on you. If you can, try to have your own interests so that you are getting the social connection and mood lift we all need – spend time with friends, join a group or a sporting team – anything that lets you have healthy connections. It will also be helpful for your boys to see that you have other healthy relationships and interests outside of the family. There isn’t much you can do to change toxic people unless they themselves are ready to change. It will be important for your boys that they see that there are other ways to respond to people, so they will learn a lot from watching you and the way you are in your relationships.
Thanks for all the tips, I forget sometimes
I had to tell a co-worker to “”Just Stop that””!!
She badgered me for years every morning
Setting the tone for the day. One day, I just screamed
It out and she finally stopped”
The other one just tells me how fat my ass looks
At work’ ‘ now is that really necessary?
These describe some members of my family and the co-workers I have to interact with daily. I knew I wasn’t the smartest person at work but I felt I had something to contribute. However no matter how hard I tried the response was more like … ‘Let the ones with the experience handle that’ ‘I am/We are more qualified than you in this field’ ‘It does sound like a good idea but that naivete is what got us into trouble in the first place’. So after a while I just shut up and lately I’ve been feeling really really really dumb. Thanks, your article shed some light on the matter.
The owner of the company I worked for lied, would throw fits and throw things like a two year old. He always needed someone to blame, wouldn’t listen, would blame whoever wasn’t in the room at the time, would talk about patient’s in front of other patient’s, calling them stupid or idiots. Call the office mgr, who lived in a different state, every time some little thing happened. I finally walked out, I couldn’t handle it anymore. And he was a friend. I was so disappointed when I saw this side of him.
yeah a relative offered me a job once but I know he’s toxic so I turned him down. If I sent this link to him he’d have a hysterical fit — I mean that literally, I’ve seen him do it — so obviously he’s in too deep to even see up. And since I know his background, I know that what a lot of people are saying in their comments is true: these are people who grew up in abusive relationships and still haven’t realized the damage it did, let alone that there are things to do to repair the damage.
My son is toxic to me . he is 28 years old and has moved back in with me so to attend school. The problem is he doesn’t attend regularly and that was one of the agreement to reside here (rent free). Also when i try to reinforce the other rules of living here such as coming in on time, (not all hours of the night) he doesn’t comply. This has been going on for 18 months and i am at wits end. It lead to asking him to leave and figure it out that i do not need to conform to his behaviour. He hasn’t communicated with me since leaving, nor has he picked up his mail which looks to have pretty serious contents attached to it . (such as unpaid traffic tickets, and a large probability of not having auto insurance.) He refuses to talk to me and address these issues. He is also using my present address. I fear some day the law will come knocking looking for him and i have no idea where he is. Any suggestions on this matter would be of great help. I love your site, its opened my eyes forever.
Sabrina I’m pleased this has given you some clarity. This sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. Being 28, there is a limit to what you can do in relation to your son. He is well and truly an adult now, and it is his growth. He is very unlikely to change anything until he is ready, regardless of how much the people who love him want him to make different choices. People generally don’t change until they feel enough pain. If he isn’t changing, it’s because he hasn’t felt enough pain to force the change. I understand how scary it must feel at times for you, but you can only do what you can do. Let him know that you love him (loving someone doesn’t mean that you have to accept their behaviour), if you can reach him, and wait for him to do the rest.
Hi Sigmund. Thank you for listening to my story. I am learning to let go of him and wait for the changes so desperately needed to be accomplished by him. (Tough Love) towards a child is also tough on a parent displaying it as you may know. Thank you for the advice, i have shared with him that he is deeply loved and that is the biggest reason for all of this happening in his life, the frustration i am feeling at the moment is that he has not communicated back with me to let me know he is doing ok.
my immediate superior is a toxic person. he will do anything to save his ass. and at the end im the one who GM put blame on instead of him who have been working in the same company for almost 10 years but know nothing about manufacturing rules. feel awkward when deal with him.
My mother is the most toxic person in my life.. she ruined my chances of getting through university with quitting her job for the time I was there, lent money out of my loan, woke me up at stupid times until it was too much for me.. when I finally dropped out she got her job back and never even talked to me about it. Every time I go to do anything with my life she funnily needs money from me, stops buying food, starts waking me up at every opportunity she finds and suddenly gets ill from ridiculous things that aren’t provable.
How does this affect te children. My son’s girlfreind is so toxic she destroyed our relationship. He isnt allowed to talk to me so its ben almost 2 years. He has talked to me twice but they dont count he was so disrespectful andlued about everything. The problem is she moniters his phone calls so when he has talked to me she listens. My Granddaoghter will be 2 inAugust the. Girlfrreind calls me terrible names infront of her. She even locks my son inthe, basement if sheis mad at him I dont kbow what to do. Myson and I were really close he used to tell me everything. He didnt have a grwat relatuonship with his. Father but now that she nade myson sever our relationship his father is. His new best freind. Which isnt good because he is toxicas well. Please give me some advice 2 years withouut my son in my lufe has been hell I cry everyday.
This is such a distressing thing for you to go through. Unfortunately, until your son is ready to change the relationship with his girlfriend there isn’t much you can do. As long as your son knows how much you love him, the rest is up to him. It might be worth letting him know that you are prepared to support his relationship, even if it is the last thing you feel like doing. The relationship with your son and your grandchildren is the most important thing and if it means supporting the relationship and not saying or doing anything negative in relation to your son’s girlfriend, it may be worth doing that. I wish this could be different for you and for your family. Keep the door open to your son. When he has felt enough pain, he will be able to let go of his relationship and move back towards the people who love and care for him.
Your article makes so much sense. I know toxic people. I’m dealing with this right now.
Some people have nothing quality to offer you, they just feel like they’re poisoning your blood.
One of the key things that I’ve noticed is that they don’t seem to know that they’re toxic.
They seem to be completely unaware of their negative impact on others, and therefore they will never step forward first admitting they’re wrong or that they have a problem.
They tend to have traits like narcissism, selfishness, denial and have this ‘woe is me’ attitude. They can see the bad in everyone else, but can’t seem to see themselves.
As touched on in the article, they have split personalities. One minute they appear to be kind hearted, the next they’re vile. It’s like night and day.
I know all about projection. Been there. They make it look as though you’re to blame. It’s like when you go through security at the airport and they ask you ‘did you pack this bag yourself?’. You know you did, but because of the other person’s words, you start to second guess yourself. That’s kinda how I see toxic people. You have to stick to what you know and don’t let them manipulate you.
I’ve also noticed that they’re repeat offenders. They’ll keep on being highly offensive and you’ll feel as those you’re being repeatedly disrespected. They’ll inconvenience you and they have ‘user’ plastered on their forehead.
It really is extremely tiring to deal with them and I now have a strategy of dealing with toxic people.
Just don’t buy into their mess and don’t react to their foolishness. You have to try and rise above it. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be accomplished.
They seem to thrive when they get a response. When they want me to engage, I just divert my attention elsewhere, change the subject or give very short answers. They soon get tired and quit.
It’s so true that they don’t like to apologise. If you’re waiting for an apology before moving on with your life, you’ll be waiting forever. It’s hard, but you do have to come to a point where you say ‘ this person is never ever gonna say sorry’.
I try to keep those kinda people out of my circle of friends. People treat you the way you allow. If you keep looking like a doormat, they’ll keep using you like one. Don’t just expect them to stop, you have to make them stop. You have to get to a place where you call the shots.
Toxic people will drain the life outta you if they can. Don’t let it happen!
It’s funny. With working a relationship and it’s now concluded, I sit back and because I ingested the toxicity, I feel less than.
On my healing journey, I strive so very hard to unlock their perception of me. I’m left believing I was the toxic person and not them due to allowing them to define me.
All my life I’ve been a bundle of giggles and love. Because of my open heart and never wanting to hurt anyone, I allowed myself to be redefined. I keep hearing in my head the other persons view on how toxic I was, it was me that sabotaged the relationship.
A challenge to rewrite my head messages and go to the FACTS …. all my life folks never found me as I allowed was painted.
My tolerance ran out, I terminated the relationship.
And this is kind of shocking, kind of what we’re going through me and my daughter have been abused well I have been abused for 44 years and I will not allow it to control me no more. nNegative people suck, going around trying to see how many you can cosine your bullshit.Put your attention into doing something good for someone ,do one good thing for someone everyday it might help you frog being negative to positive I don’t know