We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
Thought- I have family members that have become toxic, but I know they were not brought up to be so unkind and mean. It makes family events even more difficult, so I have to pick and choose activities and involvement. The toxicity madness has not changed and it never will. I have a loving family but they are choosen not blood related, and life is good.
I was like some of these people I never saw this coming on Sunday the 24of July everything was fine that evening after a party he change I ask him what was wrong he said nothing and a few minute later acted like everything was back to normal.Few days later he said he said he had to get his self together before he could be in a relationship but did not tell me we were over and said I will call you.
My parents are the toxic people in my life. They are old, sick, frail and dependent on me. I have devoted 20 years of my life looking aftr them. it has strengthened them but made me weak, angry and frustrated. Its a vicious cycle where they ned me wn they are sick, I help them, they become stronger and undo everything I do for making their lives comfortable, hence getting into a situation where they need me again and so on and so forth. I have planned to run away from them to another city, country but the fact that they would be all alone to mess up and die, I just cant do that. My sibling has already gone away and does not help. they bring out the most horrid person in me when I am cracking up. Never a thank you, alwas destruction from them. They have always fought with each other, have no friends as they were selfish when they were young. I am so frustrated that I can’t even write straight. where I live in Karachi, there are no homes for senior people, otherwise I would leave them there and without destroying my person, I would just pay for them.
Fouzia you’re parents are so lucky to have you – what a beautifully generous heart you have. I wish they were able to appreciate you the way you deserve to be. I understand the enormous obligation you feel, but know that you do not have to be around people who break you. If you really do feel as though you won’t leave, make sure there are things in place to protect yourself. This might include limits around how often you have contact or how long that contact lasts for, or making the decision that if they start saying things to you that hurt you or confuse you, you leave until next time. Here is an article that might help https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. All the best to you.
Whats worst than having a father who is like this?! He is over critical of me when i was young and comparing me to my younger sis and other children and i was never good enuff! Now he is doing the exact same thing to my son….calling him names like ‘dumb’, ‘lousy’ and ‘useless’ etc when he fail to perform.
My advise is to stay clear of these people even if they are our parents. If they dun respect us then they dont deserve our respect!
My parents are the same only I am still to young to move out. I love it when they go on vacation because I dont have to deal with them. I have a brother but he works full time and I never see him. So unfortunate you cant reason with these monsters.
Okay so I feel like the same things are happening with my dad’s ‘girlfriend’. She is always saying things under her breath or talking to her sisters about how my family and I do crude things with each other. That sh!t is insane they are my damn family. She has two kids of her own one of them are my dad’s. And I just cant stand her. She is always tripping on small stuff she tells her entire family about her life and she wonders why the whole church congregation knows what her life is like at home. She complains to her whole family and they gossip like crazy. They tell everybody and everyone’s business. Lord forgive me, but its gonna come back on her 10x fold.
I have a question: I think I said something hurtful about a friend via FaceTime to another friend. I think the friend that I said something hurtful about might have heard me. I asked the FaceTime friend if I said anything mean, she said no, all I said was that the girl had long dark hair and always wore a tank top. I’m worried that my friend did hear and is mad, but she still responds to my texts. I’m not sure if I should ask if she’s ok or what. Again, I have no idea if she heard, or if she didn’t. She just doesn’t sound as happy when she’s texting me, and I’m worried I messed everything up. Any advice would be much appreciated
Holly if you think you might have hurt your friend, ask her. It’s the only way to find out and to put things right.
My husband has been acting like this for the past 8 years – our entire marriage. I’m sitting here ashamed of myself for screaming in front of our children tonight because he uses passive-aggressive behaviour to push me to my limits. I used to be a happy person and now I feel like I’m dying inside. My 3 kids are my world and we are so happy when he’s not home! He works hard to provide for us but I also work part time and earn just as much as him if you look at it hourly. That sounds petty but that’s the kind of thing he brings up and now I’ve started doing it which I hate. He always complains he’s tired and I try to sympathise, and he falls asleep on the lounge all the time but I never say anything to him even though I get lonely and bored some nights.
Today was my day off so I took my youngest kids out for a treat breakfast after we dropped my older son to school. Then I had to go shopping to get a present for my older son’s friend for a birthday party tomorrow. While I was out I bought a dress to wear for my best friends birthday lunch on Sunday. I never buy myself anything but I decided to so I’d feel great at the party. I then went home, did washing and a bit of cleaning then picked my older son up and took the kids to the park, something we haven’t done for ages. During the day I spoke to my husband several times. He was happy, I mentioned at one point the house was a mess and he said “just enjoy your day with the kids don’t worry!” And went for a beer after work.
Then the tide turned, as it always does. The kids and I arrived home, just before he rang to see where we were. (He’s always been annoyed if we get home after him, from day one.) Then we put the kids in the shower, and he started in on me in a barrage:
*”i told you to see a skin specialist, look at our daughters eczema.” I took her to the GP last week and he gave me a new program to try which we have been
*”oh you didn’t bring in the washing”
*oh that bed has had the sheets stripped off and needs to b made”
“Oh why did you buy that brand of bread?”
The last one just made me explode. I know that sounds pathetic but this happens all.the.time
He’s so controlling and gets annoyed if I don’t agree with him or change my mind. He says stuff like “oh yeah I’m the worst guy in the world” to the kids. They’re all under 6! He pushes and pushes to get a reaction. He tells me to F off, get out, he pays the rent, I have to start paying half, blah blah blah, repeats himself over and over and over and brings up things from months ago from old disagreements. I would have left years ago except for the kids. I have a great job and supportive family and friends but they have no idea what’s going on. I feel like I’m going nuts. I can hear him even now muttering about the car being his. Oh my God. Please someone tell me what to do!
I wish I knew what to say to make this better for you. The truth is that nobody can change the man your husband is. It sounds as though he wants to do the right thing by you, but then something happens and the control starts. It is for you to decide whether there are enough good reasons for you to stay, or whether those reasons are outweighed by the bad. I understand how awful it feels to be ‘micro-managed’ and criticised. If your husband is prepared to go to counselling, that could be really useful for you. Otherwise, going to a counsellor on your own would also help you to decide on the best way forward.
Talk to your Supportive Family and Friends, counselor, when toxicity becomes emotionally abusive you will drown! Enjoy the birthday brunch in the new dress! Hugs
My ex has almost all this.. I doughted my self I became a pleaser… I felt guilty that I broke up with her… I broke up with her for another reason.. but I didn’t realize that she was that toxic because I wanted the relationship to work I always gave her reasons… but I really felt damged after the break up like never felt before thanks for this helped me alot to feel normal again… this relationship really sabtaged me.. those people are emotionally selfish and they didn’t even know
I’m having issues with my SIL. She’s nice to my face, but excludes me from everything. She didn’t call to tell her niece happy first birthday and I just found out she had a birthday party for her son, that we weren’t invited to.
I don’t know what I did to cause her to be this way. She acts like she’s better than everyone else, when in reality she’s just scraping to get by.
Should I call her out or just let this toxic bi#$& do her thing, without letting her know it bothers me. Help!
If you are being excluded, it would definitely be worth saying something. Be careful not to put your SIL on the defensive, otherwise things could potentially get ugly very quickly. Let her know that you want to make things feel better for both of you and that you’re open to the fact that you might have done something to upset her. The best way to be heard is to listen, so give her the opportunity to speak about anything she might like to see you do differently. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. Give her the opportunity to be heard – it’s the best way to get her to listen to you. Of course, just because you’re being gentle doesn’t mean that will be the other person’s experience – history can get in the way of that. The point is that the more you can approach the conversation gently and openly, the more influence you’ll end up have, and the more you can clear your way to be heard about the issues you want to be heard about.
It is worth thinking about how people are raised differently…my d.i.l. and her mother are the same way.Her mother moved here from another state several years ago and I naturally (to me) thought she would be part of my family, but I soon realized they were having BBQs and Birthdays etc…without me. They also don’t talk very much, while my family of origin is a very verbal and noisy bunch.
I do most of the babysitting for my grandchildren and attend their school functions, while her mom does not. So I just figure it’s not meant to be hurtful, it’s just the way they are.
My own relationship with my inlaws was very loving and I was completely welcomed to their family, so I just let this be a different kind of relationship. I have a feeling they would be there or me in an emergency,lol. I hope.
Thank you for this article, it explains a lot about my marriage. So where do I go from here? I’ve been to counseling (he refuses to go) and all they want to talk about is my past. I’m done with my past, I no longer want to live there. I want a happy future.
If you aren’t happy with your counsellor, speak to him or her about what you feel you need that you aren’t getting. Do you need a plan to move forward? Do you need to explore what’s stopping you? See if you can get a sense of what you would like from your sessions and then speak to your counsellor about whether or not he or she can work with you on this.
I feel I’ve encountered my share of toxic people in my life time. The people who are mean, disregard, undermine & manipulate. People who don’t take responsibility for their behavior but will say “I just wish everyone would get along” as if to say they are not a contributing factor. I have a rule and it’s this.
If someone makes me feel bad about myself they are out of my life. I’m not talking about a friend or family member critiquing an outfit or not agreeing with my opinion it’s about respectful actions and words to prove I’m valued as a human being.
My rule definitely weeds out those who are characteristically a-holes. Why should these a-holes change for me when I’m not going to change for them. It’s simply best to go our separate ways. If it’s not possible to do this then interaction should be limited to eliminate them as a stress trigger.
I have had the misfortune of dealing with two toxic people. One was a neighbor and one was a friend that’s now an ex-friend of mine. At first, I thought it was my fault. Now, I realize it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with their toxic behavior anymore. The best thing to do with a toxic person is cut things off with them. They will find someone else to be toxic with.
Nice to meet, I have observed that certain types of persons are toxic:
1. One who is brought up by an unsatified widow parent.
2. Ectomorphs, who assume themself to be just skin & flesh
3. Who find being toxic to be thrilling/enjoyment
4. Person suffering from negative frudsm
This has opened my eyes so much. My boyfriend never accepts responsibility for things he does and whenever I would go to him and say that hey this happened I noticed this and I didn’t like it, it made me uncomfortable he would immediately turn it around on me and say but this happened two weeks ago or you did so and so the other day and I find myself explaining or defending myself instead of addressing the issue at hand. I have told him that if I did something that makes him uncomfortable or he doesn’t like tell me right away not when I come to him with something. He rarely ever apologies for anything and if he does I don’t think he really means it as he would make certain comments based on what happened which defeats the purpose of an apology.
I have a sister-in-law who is married to my older brother. This SIL is someone who runs hot and cold and she is predictable in the sense that she always picks one person out at a family gathering and completely snubs them leaving her victim wondering what they did wrong to warrant this treatment.
Several years ago she chose me and my husband on the occasion of her daughter’s wedding. We traveled to the wedding, bought new clothing, had the expense of staying in a hotel etc. This SIL contacted us a couple of days before the wedding to invite us over when we got into town and she sounded fine on the phone. From the second we appeared at their home she treated us with covert coldness. She made sure my brother did not see what was going on, this went on right through the visit the night before the wedding and at the reception. We left immediately after the speeches. I cannot tell you how hurt we were at her behavior.
Many months later we saw her when she was visiting my parents and typically she acted as if nothing had ever happened. We could not forgive her and refused to speak to her. My husband approached my brother to explain our coldness towards his wife and my brother would not believe what he was told but did offer lame excuses that were just a way to not face the fact that his wife has a personality disorder. IF my husband treated someone in my family like dirt and they came to me to talk about it I would be going to my husband for his side of the story pronto. Why would anyone lie about something like that.
To this day we have been portrayed in a very bad way because she convincingly told her family and children that we were mad about where we sat at the wedding!!!! OMG what a B! Fast forward to a couple of years ago and receiving an invitation to the second daughter’s wedding (I kid you not) which we returned. I no longer have a relationship with my brother.
You and I have very parallel families. I feel for you, but the more I’ve become outspoken about it, the more others are opening up about it, and I’m beginning to believe there’s more dysfunction in families than “normal” stuff. You did the right thing. Crazies will always stick together, and they will sadly NEVER come to you for your side of the story. Never.
We actually sent a letter to my SIL and explained exactly how hurt we were by her behavior. We said we expect her to minimize and deflect what she did and sure enough she has. We also said there wouldn’t be any occasion to ever bring us together again and shortly after we received the second wedding invitation. We also sent a copy of the letter to her sister and brother-in-law who by all appearances seem like “normal” people but I suspect are intimidated. They witnessed her behavior of us and are the only two people who could attest to what we were put through. My brother is clueless and we didn’t involve him. He has no balls so why bother. My problem is this: Every so often when I reflect I have a taste of bitterness because of the injustice and with the absence of validation it makes it all so infuriating. This is a woman who gives and gives her time to a children’s charity and on the other side of her face treats people like s*#t! Why don’t people put her in her place. She is an adult bully and we have dubbed her The Bully Bi!#cH when we ever refer to her or the incident.
Heather was a woman that I associated with since her husband and mine were friends. On a few occasions she would drop hints about our friendship. For example, if you want to continue being our friends you need to live in the same neighborhood. Or you have to come over to my home since you live too far away. Plus, how much money do you have. Never mind you’re not wealthy like we are. Or one day she and her husband and two daughters visited the water park and she mentioned it and said they didn’t invite us to join them and that they didn’t want to make an effort to visit us since there was no time for that. Or the time my husband traveled out of his way to help his brother with car trouble. When Heather and her husband built a huge Colonial home and needed friends to help them move my husband pitched in and helped. Her husband cried that none of his friends wouldn’t help him but told him to hire a moving company and not to be so cheap. Any time we would get together all they would do is unload their personal problems on us.
All is True !! There is A girl at my work is So Bad to me !!! Driving me Crasy !! Making me So Upset, Sad, Irretated,Irretable. Making me Not wanting to Go vack to my job .
I HATE HER.
I love this write up and I believe it will change my life for better.
I LIKE HEARUIN FROM YOU AN AGREE WITH EVERY THING YOU WERE SAYING
I couldnt define the type of weird ”friendship” i lately have until i read this article. It opened my eyes. I had a childhood strong friendship with a person who was like my sister and i believe at the time i was for her. But for years now this has changed. Because of the fact that for once in my life i chose something that didnt comply with her needs since her way could damage my career and it was only unpleasant for her and since i explained myself and she didnt want to take into account my thoughts everything changed. Even the way she looks at me is different in a very bad way. We have solve things with conversations and she claims that everything is fine. But lately except from the weird look i get from her she started trying to derogate me in our keen group of friends and with every opportunity she takes the side of every other possible person. I found myself trying to please her more than usual just to fix things. But this seems to get worse like she is fed with the plesure of me trying to win something that i havent lost. And this article made me realise that she made me think i owe her and i constanlty find myself appologizing when she even has never been happy with my success. Yes she was there when i had problems but i was there for her as well. I dont know…. she has been a very big part of my life and i remember the good stuff but the bad ones lately cover them all. I am not strong enough to walk out of this friendship but i also dont know if i am capable of always reacting that everything is great between us because even if i feel that for a moment; a look or a comment from her throws me to the ground.
I had this so called bff and i was having doubts about our friendship so i told my other friend about ny doubts and she forced me to tell her what the bff screen name was so i told her but then i said please don’t do anything rash oh was i wrong to trust her she said nasty things to my ex and my ex thought i was the one telling her to do that she wouldn’t even let me explain then she insults the girl who said those things then she spills my secrets keep in mind that the girl who statted this is younger than the both of us so she used this against me now shes friends with the girl who called her.those nasty names and is now saying i was the one sending her those messages we share friends and of course she goes to themthem first so when i try and find a sholder to lean on no one wants to hear it from me no belives me i have no friends to vent to
I don’t even know how to begin to phrase this question, but I’ll give it a shot:
I feel I have a tendency to gravitate toward toxic relationships because it is very easy to activate my “hero complex” and push my rescue button. I have recently tried to address some of this toxicity by changing the dynamics of many of my relationships. However, I’ve found that my language for boundary setting has been limited and warped by years of these toxic interactions. It is difficult for me to distinguish when I am setting up a boundary against toxicity vs. when I am being toxic with my partner (i.e. “you can’t talk to me that way” vs. “I can’t accept I did something wrong because you are not expressing yourself correctly”). Any advice for managing that balance?
Deva this is a good question. The most important thing to be aware of is your intent. Are you saying what you are saying to try to control the other person (toxic) or to maintain your boundary of what is acceptable to you (not toxic). Sometimes both people might be wrong. When you say, ‘I can’t accept I did something wrong because you are not expressing yourself correctly,’ it’s important to realise that just because the other person isn’t expressing themselves clearly or correctly, that doesn’t necessarily let you off the hook if you have done something wrong. Try to look at what you are doing independently of what the other person is doing. I know that can be difficult at times – especially if the other person is being particularly troublesome – but whole-hearted living is about being true to who you are and the person you want to be, regardless of the people around you.
I’d recommend going to therapy. Find why do you do that (it’s usually tied to childhood people-pleasing situations that become ingrained in your personality), resolve any still unresolved feelings, and you’ll see how suddenly you find “fix-me” toxic people a lot less appealing.
IMHO, it seems to me that you are lighting a cigarette in a dynamite shed.
If it were me, the constant exposure to these folks makes me less and less immune to their toxicity; I think you already pointed that out.
What happens when the day comes that you no longer see the need to activate your “hero” button?
“Fixing” situations depends not on you, but on the people involved! You may offer advice, if requested, but never EVER involve yourself. You may not see the conclusion, and then you wind up in a can of vipers.
My humble suggestion will be this:
~Self-preservation. “How will my involvement benefit me in the long run?”
~Ego-satisfaction. “Is this really what I want to do, or is it feeding my Ego, inflating it out of control?”
~Correct judgment. Is YOUR solution the only viable one, or, in looking through the eyes of the involved parties, are there better alternatives?
*
Above all, may I humbly urge caution? IMHO, it’s your ego making the decisions, not your heart.
Peace
Rev.David
Hi There , I am a working class chap with an interest in the human condition . I have a situation with a family member that has been long running and always leads to problems and bad feeling . Whenever we discuss anything there will be a point where they will say ” well you never thought much of me ” or ” you are bound to think so and so about me ” or ” Its typical of you to think that ” . I’ve called it pre-empting but after reading this artical i think it may be “projection ” ……..i have tried more than enough to reasure the person that i dont think badly about them but it doesnt seem to help , in fact it usually leads to more of the same . As this is a close family member i can not just walk away and get on with my life . Is there a way to reasure them or at least lessen the impact and circular pattern of behaviour …Thanks Dave
Dave it depends on the need that the person is meeting by doing this. It may be their projection, it may be a way to get more control of the situation, it may be a way to get reassurance from you. It may be helpful to name the behaviour. ‘I notice that whenever we discuss [hard things/anything/] you’ll stop talking about the issue and will start trying to tell me what I think. I feel [frustrated/ unnoticed/ unimportant/ unappreciated] when you do this. I try really hard to show you how much you mean to me but it doesn’t make a difference and it gets in the way of us. If there is something specific you need from me, let me know, otherwise, I’ll tell you once – I care about you/ love you/ think the world of you – but I’m not going to keep having this conversation.’ – or something like that. The idea is to make sure the behaviour doesn’t work. If you always reassure in respect to this, the person has learned that the way to get reassurance is to do this. Be loving, gentle and reassuring, but also clear that you’re not going to keep ‘rewarding’ this behaviour with excessive reassurance. Of course, it is also important to make sure that the person’s claims aren’t true, and to make sure that you are doing other things to be reassuring.
Thank you . that makes a lot of sense and now you have pointed that out i can see it is most likely reassurance of affection that is being sought and i will endeaver to ease their anxiety as much as possible without rewarding negative behavior .
Thanks again and have a great day .
This is my boyfriend a 100%…just ended the relationship though💔
This is my fiancé 100%. I’ve been dealing with these things for a year and I’m at a point where I’m ready to leave the relationship. Ive come to a place where when his toxicity flares up, I just ignore him and act like he doesn’t exist. He becomes annoyed then passive aggressive or gives the silent treatment. But that no longer bothers me either. I’ve already started to “check out” and I’ve also been looking forward to him being away at training for two weeks so I can regroup and put my plan in place in peace. I know I love him someone in there however I love myself more and I deserve better. I’m sure I’ll go thru some emotional times and miss him but my state of mind and health are paramount and he’s not worth the destruction it causes internally. I’m not interested in seeing if he changes and if he does then good for him.
Hannah such wise words – so strong and clear. Keep protecting your heart.
I keep coming back to this article whenever I have an issue with my girlfriend of 3 years now. I don’t want to say I make excuses for her but I don’t really understand or know if there is any other real reason besides toxicity. I know her household growing up wasn’t very good because her parents had her young and they were yelling a lot and didn’t express emotions well. I also feel her bad vegetarian diet with too much sugar affects her… But basically I am an extremely empathetic and understanding guy and I don’t want to say I tried to fix others but I do try to bring out the best and I try not to give up on others. I do think there were definitely times where maybe I should have left and others most likely would have. There are so many examples but what just happened was she was making an iced tea and dropped an ice cube on the floor, she then told me to get it off the floor, did not ask. I tried to pick it up with my foot and then she got angry and picked it up herself and said ” It’s always something with you you couldn’t just get the f****** ice cube off the floor a f****** ice cube why is it always so difficult?!” Then she stormed away to the other room. I went over there a few minutes later and asked if she was serious and she said yes and I said I don’t understand you dropped an ice cube and then yelled for me to get it off the floor and now you’re angry with me? I speculated maybe she was angry because I have OCD and I don’t like touching things that were on the floor. And then she said no and if I don’t know why she’s angry she’s not going to tell me. She said I should know. She does the dismissive thing the blaming and the exaggeration and basically it gets worse with time of the month and blood sugar level I’d say but it just gets to where I’m miserable. Then after I become miserable and it’s barely addressed and she’ll eventually apologize typically but much later and then there’s like other issues along the way and because I’m miserable I don’t want to have sex and then she makes it about her and says I don’t find her attractive and I explained to her it’s because I am completely turned off by someone who is toxic to me or someone who is emotionally abusive. She has even suggested hate sex and I told her it’s not how I work I don’t want to hate her and I want to have a loving relationship and be well together. I don’t know we’ve been together three years and she keeps bringing up getting married and then fighting with me and then she has even made the claim there would be no fights if I fully committed to her and married her but I just feel like it’s something where it should be good to start with and you get married because it’s good not dysfunctional and then get married to solve the dysfunction… It seems like I mean I can understand to some degree if she feels worried I will leave she might freak out a little and having the legal marriage might make her feel more secure to build something together… But she also doesn’t even know what she wants to do for school and she most likely doesn’t want kids so without having kids and with all the arguments it just seems too strained to move forward until things get better.. I feel like I wrote this all disjointed but there’s just so much to it it’s been three years.
Hi Anonymous, I hear your pain. I am in a similar situation, three years with a very moody boyfriend. I tell him I am having pre-menstrual symptoms and feeling really stressed about work and the relationship – he opens the door for discussion, and as soon as I say what I’m stressed about – he switches moods, demeans, criticizes, then ignores me. It’s devastating. Often, I have to go to events crying because he’s just slammed me into the ground emotionally – and it’s usually when I’m pre-menstrual and already very confused and in pain. I also stay too long, make excuses, try to make things work, as questions. It’s very difficult, because with your good heart you will see potential and past their bad behavior – but at some point, if they keep hurting – and won’t take responsibility, and won’t commit to improving the issues, I think the only option is to walk away.
You sound like the type of person who wouldn’t walk away until you know deep down it’s the right thing to do. I would say, explore your doubts – and try to resolve them.
I’ve had “what ifs” and shared them with my boyfriend, or put myself out there and asked him to do couple’s therapy. When he evades or refuses, I know deep down that I’ve done my best, and – out of compassion and love for myself, and wanting to have a *good* relationship – I realize it is time to move on.
I hope you’ll either be able to find this knowing for yourself, or are able to repair your relationship.
I’m in the same boat with my wife. Last year I moved out and actually stayed with father in law as it’s around the corner and we have kids. I was still paying the rent and bills.
I basically begged her to take me back because I can’t stand been away from my kids. Currently I’m getting the silent treatment. She’s a master manipulator.
I’m stressed and tired. I don’t think I want this anymore, but hate the thought of not seeing my kids every day. I am the primary carer and my daughter is young but she always shouts for me if she needs anything. I can’t bear the thought of not been there for her 100% of the time. It breaks my heart.
Struggling here.
Brother you just described my existence, I’ve been kicked out twice and always thought it was me that was doing everything wrong in the relationship and always worked hard to make her happy. Three kids later and she always finds away to chip away at me. I’m not leaving my kids alone with her as I’m the primary emotional carer. When my kids are upset or hurt they will now push past her and come straight over to me. She actually says nasty things to her kids so I’m just waiting till they’re old enough and I’m out.
Don’t put energy into her. Spend the time with your kids and work and being the best Dad and the King of your own life. Trust me it helps. When she’s home take the kids out and do something fun and leave her misery behind. Only she can better herself. When the kids get old enough they’ll know who worked hard for them and will reward you with love for the rest of your life, with your amazing new wife who hasn’t got a toxic bone in her body. You’re worth it mate as you sound like an amazing dad who will sacrifice his day to day happiness for them, because your stronger than you realise. Stay strong Dad. Your daughters need you.
To anonymous…I’m in the same boat. My bf of 3yrs does the same things to me. I’m at the end of my rope and want to leave but I almost feel like he’s my drug. I can’t let go. I pay for everything so the only thing I would gain is tons more money if I kicked him to the curb. It’s so hard because I see it, hate it, but love him so much. Idk if it is even really love at this point.
I’ve been sexually/physically & mentally/emotionally abused by so many men in my adulthood and kept a guard up. I recently let my guard down slowly after years of it being up with a guy I’m dating. I was just assaulted again today by my daughter’s dad and I stressed to the guy I’m seeing how traumatized I am that this abuse continues to happen & emotionally said I was even afraid of being with him now. I apologized later that day and he continually flipped it on me that I made him feel bad just over and over making me feel bad in my moment of distress. I’m not sure if I’m the toxic one now.
Run away, Anonymous. Move on to something healthier.
Hannah, I found this site as I have been married to a toxic person for 36 years. The temper flares over anything were too much to handle. I was always worried and anxious if he was happy and completely lost my identity to keep him happy. I have 3 children who had a scarred childhood due to his lack of involvement or mood swings. If I were you, I would run the other way. I am in so deep emotionally, financially, etc. that it is just not that simple. I knew the night before the wedding that we should not do it but went ahead as his mother pressured me. (I was 20). If anything, get some space and clarity before getting married. We have such a pattern now it is hard to undo.
Wow this is so my relationship with my husband, I have caught him 3 different times online with porn! It’s not the porn I’m upset about it’s the Hello I am right here!? And him saying I’m too tired , but then I come back in the room and he’s looking at porn! And never says I’m sorry I will never do that again, nothing just turns things around and says , Well why is it ok for you to do things that you do? I don’t hide things ever from him and he is always hiding behind my back! I don’t know what to do?
There’s lots of reasons people have masturbation sessions without their partners. I would try not to take it as it’s something against you necessarily. It could be that he is feeling insecure and doesn’t want to engage at the time during actual physical sex because he’s afraid of underperforming and porn is just easier and nothing is ever asked of him. Might be helpful to talk about the things going on in the relationship than to point the finger at the porn itself. It’s probably not the issue, perhaps just the consequence of what’s going on between you both.
My fiancé and I rowed last night as he said he was angry and resentful with me as I had not said I love you and miss you back in some texts. He said’ if I had done that you would be really angry with me for sure’ I conceded calmly that in the past that had been true but I was working on myself and trying to give myself healthy boundaries for the future’ He said he didn’t like that got angry and said I had worn lipstick and no engagement ring on our nighttime FaceTime call the previous night. This upset me as I am loyal and trustworthy. We are now at a stalemate of not phoning or texting. I think he was being controlling and feel our relationship has elements of toxicity. He blames me utterly. I am now confused.
please don’t change your mind bc your life will get better once he is gone. ride the wave of temporary grief and then you are free
I stayed in a toxic relationship and then married f or 17 years four children only to walk away. Ran away, to another state. She made it impossible to have a relationship or even see my children. Well it’s been w0nyears since that day I walked away. And I have not seen or spoken tone of my children in all that time. Two that are cold when we speak. One that is warm but only on birthdays or Father’s Day.
I’m going through this. It is painful. I wish I could have this courage
Stay strong you are making the right decisions. I will shake your hand in five years he will not have changed.
This is 100% my hubby. We have been married for last 25 yrs. He is caring and helping but then he goes bizarre. He keeps hurting me so much that I go into my shell. I have never won with him in arguments as they are never sensible. Now my daughter is an adult so she argues with him for me, but still he doesn’t realise his mistake. He always wants to prove that he is the victim. He always criticises my mom’s side of that family members, saying they are good for nothing etc. I want to live alone at least for some time but I am sure that he will not allow me. My daughter and I never enjoy outing because he keeps calling us. When we come backhe is grumpy. There is always goosebumps in our stomach when we go out. We keep looking at our watches. I keep wondering what he will say. Whenever I am planning with my friends, I think about his reaction. I am 47yrs old but I don’t even breathe freely. I have no guts to leave him as I am not financially independent, though he has to give me alimony. I am helpless. I spend my time cooking, painting, dancing etc. I am very good at it but I won’t be able to earn money from that.
I am 59 woman. I have invested heavily in my family members. My in laws I have helped with them earning secondary income and even medical. For the past 20 years on and off I have had severe criticism to the point my husband and I distance ourselves when there is a problem. I always come back and forgive them but they never apologize, they deny it…..its good only for awhile and then it happens again. Last December I was diagnosed with a leaky gut and have had severe health issues. I have to be careful with what I eat and when it came time to go out and celebrate my mother in laws birthday I could eat the food on the menu at her first three choices of restaurants…..but when they came to a fourth choice my brother in law pressured my husband to go there but I was unable to eat the food. They appeared to pick and finalize a place I could not eat at. I was told by them to “suck it up” and if I had to sit there with water to do it. Obviously we did not go. Now the mother in law is telling the kids how we do not connect with them.
My daughter who was in the navy with significant problems emotionally and physically we have helped for the past few years. I have put up with name calling, swearing and belittling…only to push her in the right direction. While she has gotten better and is finally getting her life together and has a positive structure….she still will belittle me and blame me especially if I push back to stop her from doing this. I decided to distance myself from her. My son who I just told this to informed me that is why he keeps a distant connection from her.
I have invested so much time and resources in these people and I find myself having anxiety attacks and bouts of anger or crying. I just started seeing a counselor over my personality change (I was not like this, I was stronger)and I am afraid I will never be happy or peaceful again.
Trish I completely understand how heartbreaking it would be to have the people you invest in cause you pain. If only we could see beneath the skin of others to know what was driving their behaviour. It is easy to take these things personally, but don’t. I know how hard this is, particularly when the problems are coming from people you care about. There are so many reasons your in-laws and your daughter could be doing the things they are doing, and it’s so likely those reasons have nothing to do with who you are. Drawing heavy boundaries around people who are toxic feels so hard when they are people you care about, but sometimes it is the only way to keep yourself from becoming someone you are not. Here is an article that may help you https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. I wish you strength and healing.
I found this site just in time. I’ve had a few upsetting encounters with my sister in law. The first one being that we were having a discussion about women and career choices, her comment was, she didn’t care what her daughters decided to do with their lives, as long as they didn’t do anything stupid and useless as being an at home mom. Guess who was an at home mom!? ME, well i shook my finger at her and told her how dare she make a comment like that. She went and told the family how rude i was for shaking my finger at her, and that she was angry at me for doing so.
The second encounter was, my daughter got pregnant, her and her boyfriend were not children, both were early thirties. They decided to marry and start their family. When my sister in law found out, she called me and wanted all the “dirt” how i felt, his family etc.. she was poking and prodding so much even after multiply times telling her to mind her own business, that i wasn’t discussing it with her, i decided to say goodbye more then once and hung up. Again the talk around the family was that i hung up on her and how dare I.
My husband spoke to her a couple of times, she will not apologies to me at all. She knows she was in the wrong and told my husband so, but that no apology will be coming my way. For me, an apology says that the other person, values the relationship, it goes along way to mending relationships and it puts us on equal status, by not owning up to her error it tell me she feels superior to me and as a result the relationship won’t work.
Fast forward 1.5 years of not talking and she just emailed me a happy birthday message. i don’t know how to respond, clearly the message is NOT about me, it’s about her. Do i ignore it or comment back? I’m not interested in having any relationship with her on her terms. I don’t though want to appear weak. Thanks.
Im sorry you are experiencing this. It is heartbreaking. I am in the same boat with family members. I m sorry I can’t give you advice on whether to answer her back. Maybe just a recognition of her message and keep her at a distance.
This article is wonderful and just mind saving. Terri- I am in the same boat as you. I have a toxic sil who has hated my guts and been passive aggressive in so many ways. She hits every single point on this article. I have called her out on her hurtful actions a couple of times and she blows it up into this huge fight and gets my in-laws involved too. She turns everyone against me and she will never apologize. Not even when asked directly by my in laws. She will never admit to her faults and at the end of the day the issue that was at hand is not even addressed. She warps the situation to make it look like she is the “victim” and that me calling her out was the wrong thing to do. She will never see what the fault actually was.
It took me three years to finally realize that it just is not worth my time and mental health. I was literally consumed by anger towards her stupidity and just could not get why she behaved the way she behaved. I think it has a lot to do with her jealously issues towards me and my husband.
I’m usually the person that will keep trying, especially with family and friends, but I realized that she just was not worth it. I can not make her understand. It’s better to let go of the toxicity and be happy.
I have been dealing with toxic in laws since my engagement in 1993. I don’t even have a relationship with them now. If my husband calls them out for bad & rude behavior, they just hang up on him. My husband didn’t even want me & my sons at his father’s funeral because he knew they wouldn’t behave correctly towards us. The whole situation is so upsetting. I grew up in a broken family & had always hoped I would have a large family through marriage. They called me & my sons names & even told my husband he shouldn’t have married me. They planned a 40th birthday party for my husband, but told him my sons & my mother weren’t invited. (We didn’t attend) Sometimes I don’t understand what they get from this hostility.
Dear Hope, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar situation where my family was very small and broken, and I dreamed of having a large family. My sister married into a family, but then excluded me by humiliating me at family events. It’s painful, because I’m “part of the family” and also only part of it, depending on her mood or if I allow her to abuse me, which I don’t – and then she gets upset. It’s very painful to be excluded in such an abusive and cruel way, and to feel that there’s no way to win in the situation. Cutting them out, hurts your husband because it’s his family – keeping them in, hurts you and you’re his wife.
I think the only thing you can do – is maybe go to a family event, ready and prepared, to practice “Verbal Judo” or practice extreme compassion and self-compassion – meaning, “that was awfully unkind, why would you say that?” – by asking direct questions, with an energy of curiosity and compassion, it’s hard for anyone to stay angry or cruel for very long.
Wishing you the best.
Rethinking this now i have been in the situation where a toxic “friend” took me over unwillingly without even trying throigh manipulation and im begining to understand this now as i finished reading this .. remember the toxic people will expose themselfs . So like the article said .. dont let the cost of your self will be too high and dont give in to the toxic people .
I’ve been searching the Internet for days to find something that meant I wasn’t going crazy. My brothers girlfriend has been turning each family member against me one by one. Saying I said this and that when I didn’t. Both of my brothers and my sister believe her and now, I’m afraid my dad is. She has a young daughter who I heard saying to her friend that her mom always talks about me to her friends and always calls me fat. I confronted her about this and she tried to attack me, just before this she called me a bunch of names in front of my family and when I defended myself it turned to chaos. I now realise what she is thanks to this article. I’ve also suffered from self harm and suicidal thoughts in the past and she’s well aware of this and uses it to her advantage (she fits into the 12 points)
It breaks my heart to see my dad turn against my me more and more everyday, I now know that she’s a toxic person. Thank you for this amazing article.
Emma I’m pleased this has helped to bring you clarity. I completely understand how it must hurt you to have your dad turn against you. You are strong and clear with a brave, open heart – don’t let them drag you back to that dark place.
This is my father. To a T. Wondering if the author wrote this with him in mind!
All i can say is wow !