Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

  2. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  3. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

  4. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  5. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  6. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  7. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  8. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

  9. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

  10. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  11. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.

2,528 Comments

Leah

I don’t understand why people are so mean now a days. They wan’t to dump their miserable issues on others. For an example, my mom and sister were mean to me and still are now! They used of complain about their past and issues in life. How my mom used to get so stressed out from work and people and how my sister would complain about being forced to do this and that in her childhood I would get lucky to get away with so many things unlike her. They would yell, get mad, mess around, ugh it’s too complicated to explain. It traumatizing on how people force things down your throat.

Shut up! @*#&%#$@*!!%!@!%$@! Just plain rude.

To my understanding, this isn’t my problem. Its theirs. They want to take their frustration out on people regardless who they are. I hope my niece will never follow in the foot steps of these horrible people. From what I learned, your are an anchor. You drop down below the sea. Don’t let anyone ruin your life because they had their own struggles. They pressure you to where you can’t take it anymore. They’ll keep repeating it till it’s over. I am sick and disgusted of this monstrous human race. This is such a disgrace and makes me lose hope in humanity. If people are going to continue to be like this, then I am done. I am not bothering with such savages. I am going to hide in a little cabin in the woods and never come out.

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lindsay gunn-ouellette

maybe they wanted someone to care about what they were stuggeling with, wanted some empathy.

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Annie

True, but the way they are going about it is obviously not working. I cannot accept that badly behaved people are always insecure – some people are just plain nasty. These types of people are psychic vampires – they make everyone around them feel rotten but aren’t prepared to help themselves a lot of the time. I have tried to help a number of people and given up as some of them just enjoy being victims.

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Anon

So this list just described every human on the planet at one time or another…. anyone and everyone, if honest, can check themselves as at least half of this list.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

These behaviours, like all human behaviours exist on a spectrum. We can all do some of them some of the time. The people who cause breakage are the ones who do many of them all of the time, particularly when they have no insight into the damage they’re doing, or when they just don’t care about their impact on others.

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Rae Ellen Davis

Great clarification — the damage happens when there is no consideration of the impact on others. That, is what is so hard to live with.

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Terry Croft

That’s what hurts the most. I just think how can someone be so mean? Especially, when it’s a family member that is doing the damage.

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Stef

All of the above in one way or another fit my wife’s behaviour. We have been married for seven years and together for thirteen. I caught her having an affair this year with an older man, but the mental anguish she put me through when I confronted her was unreal. She denied it to me, my parents, her own parents and tried to make me out as the bad guy. Once caught she became massively aggressive with whoever challenged her until they backed down. It is six months on and I am only now getting back the mental strength to push back at her bulls*t. She openly talks about how to manipulate people and sees nothing wrong in it. Family and friends are desperate for me to leave her. If it wasn’t for my young son that would already be a reality. People like this need to be dealt with strongly and decisively, it’s the only thing they understand. They see compassion or empathy as weakness.

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Ris

I felt everything everybody just said. I’ve been engaged with my fiancé for 5 months now and I’ve never been so controlled in my life. I’m always the bad person. Even when he does something wrong he always finds a way to put it on me instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. He’ll make you believe everything he says by saying “if you love me you’d believe me” Some people are just amazing as manipulating people. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

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Cynthia R

If she had the affair and you know it Why should
She have to admit it to anyone including you. Everyone makes mistakes, some are intentional. At this point you have to decide if you want to stay or move along. It doesn’t make her a “bad” person. Sounds like you want to punish her and that’s not your job.

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Beatriz F

You just described my partner to the pin point. I find myself growing depressed wishing he could see things from my point of view. It just seems like he can’t or won’t. Everyday life is so stressfull I’m close to calling it quits. Everything upsets him even the dumbest things. Once he is mad day is done with. It’s war. Everything I do or say is wrong. And he won’t let off my back about anything. Yet I’m responsible for everything. I try and keep calm and try to explain to him as it’s going on. He refuses to see it from my point. It’s getting to the point that I want to enjoy my life and not have to be on the edge all the time. I’m a really cool funny adventurous person. I can’t be me at all. Thing is I do love him very much. I just have to love myself too.

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Jackie

This describes my 42 year old son. He makes me cry on almost dailey bases. He doesn’t care how he talks to anyone. And you cant talk to him because he cuts you off. And tells you are wrong. Even if i dont even know what i did. Most of the time he wont even explain what i did.

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Sofia

So i am the number 11..i always thought that my friend is fake.. Idk but she always make me feel bad.. She always saying im wrong when i know i am right and tryna explain things.. Then she said thats an excuse… How can i explain myself.. Yea i admit i always wanna win.. Help me idk what to do

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David

I have a sister who, I think does not realize, but then it drives me crazy wondering if she does. She can be very sweet, doing things which are very generous, then jump all over me. I believe we can not fix people and she has stopped seeing her therapist for quite some time. Since I have experienced there seems no way around the way she can manipulate a situation and become abusive, do I need to simply stay away from heer as much as possible until she is willing to deal with this? I certainly can not attempt to educate her about these situations and how they make me feel, she would possibly simply become offended and insulted and I would be the bad guy again.

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Lisa

Those toxic people have no empathy at all. Just like normal people feel sorry if they bring someone to tears. It is human being’s nature to comfort a crying person.

But toxic people would think you are crying because you are weak, or are just totally indifferent, even they hurt you and let you cry there. Their world has too many nonsense.

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Hannah Squires

I really like what you’ve expressed here. I grew up with a toxic mother, married a toxic man, divorced and in financial crisis, am now back with the toxic mother. She wants to know my every move, who I’m with, why I might be 5 minutes later than she expected. I live on a knife edge and don’t want to. I’m 43 and hope to get my own place soon. Mentally, emotionally and physically I feel crushed and exhausted. It’s hard trying to keep a calm environment, as homelife is totally unpredictable. All my life I’ve been controlled. I thought it was normal, well, that was normal for me! I have met the most supportive and wonderful man, who has had a tough life. We support and care for each other. Now I know what a non toxic person is, it’s even harder. He even respects my wish to not have sex until we’re married. I’ve had many issues, after being raped in 2010. He has helped me through it. He feels the best gift I will ever give him is my body. It is. He has proved himself to be more concerned about me, and earning my trust than rushing me. We plan to marry next year. I cannot wait to give myself to him completely, as I know it will be about love and nothing less. I picked my engagement ring today! Yes, I chose it! The sad bit, my own mother isn’t happy that I have a lovely person, who respects me and treasures me, and yet refuses to even consider coming to the wedding?? I can finally say, her loss.

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Kathy Stevenson

I am so glad to read that life has finally turned around for you. You are in my prayers; I know that God loves you, and He has a plan for your life that will allow you to use all those scars for good purpose.
God bless you, Hannah.

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Daughter Of Toxic Parents

Hannah, it seems your mind is made up and that is awesome. My mother did the same to me with my ex-fiance years ago. She said she wouldn’t come to my wedding and would not acknowledge any child coming from that relationship as her grandchild. She threatened to throw herself out of my moving car among other atrocities. She finally won the battle and I picked her over him. All she would tell me was he was no good. Years later I realize the only thing she had against him was the fact I loved him dearly. After him I met another person whom I was not in love with but seemed to be a good, honest man. She thought it was a good idea. Hey, mom looks out for me, right? She likes him, he must be someone special. Long story short, I got pregnant and short of putting a gun to my head made my life so miserable I wound up having a termination. Despite all that, one day she told me she didn’t resent him because he had never jabbed at her. The first one loved him and hated her (for obvious reasons) so he was bad. This one helped kill her grandchild, but because he never said a word to her face she did not resent him. I am now 41, married to a great man with a beautiful child. Mom says and shows great love for the baby, but hates my husband. The worst part? She lives with us. In our house. And does not speak to him. She cannot afford to live on her own and is now elderly, and I cannot afford to put her up in a nice assisted living so all I can do is wait patiently for the time I no longer need to hear her sigh, have mood changes, among other things. I have grown out of any love towards her, and I am a stronger person today. I have already have huge fights with her, especially regarding my husband. How dare she ignore him in his own home. In the end of the day he doesn’t care and even prefers it that way, no need to engage in any kind of interaction, but it makes it uncomfortable for everyone. She is manipulative, uses tears and threats of suicide to get her way. Now I have learned, and it has taken a long time, to ignore her. I keep a distance, and pretend I did not hear anything as I walk away from her biting remarks. Word to the wise, do not ever take your mother in after you are married. She will not allow you to have a normal life. Best of luck, and if you would like to share more, leave a reply.

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Hannah Squires

I apologise in not replying sooner. There was much to get my head round, regarding your situation. I want you to know, I have the greatest of respect for you. How you manage in such an environment, is truly awesome. You have been through so much, orchestrated by your Mother, and yet you are the bigger, and ultimately stronger person than her, I mean, having her live with you!! Well, you are a far better person than me. Since my initial post, things have deteriorated and my mothers controlling nature is completely out of control. Following me, room to room in the house. Not being allowed to shut the bathroom door whilst both using the lavatory or having a shower. I was, shockingly, allowed to leave the house today. I’ve not been allowed out any other day this week. I had the first text less than 5 minutes after leaving the house. I was then either phoned or messaged at least once, or indeed both, every 15 minutes. Heaven forbid me not responding. If my reply isn’t fast enough, the angry messages begin. It’s so embarrassing, and what should be a pleasant and normal activity for a near 44 year old, turns into the most stressful of days. I’ve had the silent treatment this evening, as on being ordered home, I immediately left my loving and patient boyfriend and got a taxi home, as that’s what I was told to do. The traffic was awful and obviously beyond my control. Because it took longer than she felt was acceptable, on walking through the door you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. She had a tantrum, and I simply let her rant and said nothing (I’ve learnt that’s the safest way to conduct myself) until being told at 3.30 to get changed into my pyjamas and dressing gown. I quietly flew up the stairs just to have a few minutes peace. I changed clothing and then picked my flute up and began to play. My flute is my salvation and having reached grade 7 in 6 months (I used to play the piano and clarinet so can read music) is a brilliant indicator of how stressed out I am 95% of the time. I can lose myself. Not today though. I was unceremoniously cut short and was sent downstairs…… This is my problem. I have BPD, PTSD (following repeated rape) Chronic depression and anxiety, meralgia paraesthetica, amongst other things. I had been in receipt of enhanced ESA and enhanced PIP. Changes within the DWP have led to my losing the PIP and also lost a substantial part of my ESA. I can barely make ends meet. This means I am unable to move out to my own place as after calculating outgoings with a Financial Advisor, I would have £1.20 spare each month to use on clothes and social activities…… I have submitted a mandatory reconsideration, which DWP acknowledged receipt of on the 22 September. My support worker highlighted my mental fragility and vulnerability. I was told my case would be looked at quickly so as to alleviate stress. I’m still waiting, having heard nothing. I feel let down, sad and completely trapped. My mental health is deteriorating with each day that passes, with no news. If reinstated, I will be able to afford to rent, and also have a small but adequate amount left over each month. I am totally exhausted, disillusioned and sad. My flute helps and snatching as much time when I can to message my boyfriend, keeps me going. If it were not for him and his unwavering support, I can, truthfully say, I would have committed suicide and succeeded. When the DWP took my lifeline away and I realised my powerless situation, I was so desperate I slashed my wrists, took all the medication I had, and ended up in hospital for over a week. I needed surgery on my wrists. I’d done an excellent job in harming myself, but, hadn’t quite done enough to put me out of my misery. If only the powers that be, could see what their actions can do to people like me, I wonder if they’d even feel anything…………

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Mariko

Anyone else wonder how technology, social media, text messaging, and other ways we now use techology snd the internet affect have affected our interpersonal relationships and self esteem.

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Stephan

My brother was 38 years old when he committed suicide because of a toxic marriage and her mother manipulating, their 2 daughters not to love their father anymore. That was 10 years ago. Until today not she or her family have ever apologized for what they took away from us. Not even a year later after his death, she got pregnant with someone else. Toxic people will not even respect the dead. I will never recover emotionaly from my brothers death. Im 45 years old now. The pain has only gotten harder to cary everyday. Thank you for your advise. It will help me alot further on. Thanks.

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Rhonda

Nope. Quit projecting! To thine own self be true. Meaning, be honest with yourself first and foremost.

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Annie

This is so helpful to me, if people can recognise themselves in any of these behaviours then it’s time to start changing. A couple of the points in the article were extemely helpful to me regarding a situation that keeps recurring in my life and reading it in black and white has put it all into perspective. Much more helpful than counselling that I have gone to in the past, in fact that was a complete waste of time for me. Thank you.

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Christine

Dear Anon,

If every single thing on this list describes to what you believe to be every human on the planet, it may be that everyone around you is toxic. Some of these things don’t represent the majority of the people I know…just a few very unhealthy ones in.my opinion.

Christine

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Maurine W

My adult daughter makes me the family joke, ridicules where I live, how I spend my money, and just about anything she can say to put me down. Her dad did the same. He and I divorced after 40 years, and he died 2 years ago. The last time she did that I said good bye to my grandson’s and left. I need more guidance on how to protect my hurt feelings. I live alone, do not rely on them for anything, and visit them when there is an occasion. They seldom visit me although I am frequently asked to babysit my 8 year old grandson. I am 78, quit my teaching job to take care of her first child 26 years ago. He now is going along with the “jokes.” Any helpful info is appreciated.

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Bruce A

That is so disappointing to hear! I have two grown daughters who refuse to see me. I was a weekend warrior, seeing them on my visitation schedule. I was there at Christmas with presents, most other holidays and extra curricular events. I told them I loved them regularly and showed them affection with hugs. When they became adults they started to marginalize everything I did and began finding excuses to remove me from their lives. It is so disappointing but I know now that they are selfish and nothing I ever so will be enough so I am content knowing I did all I could do.

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Jade

My mom is toxic. If she doesn’t get her way she’ll badmouth you and break you down. For example, we got a new roommate and I cleaned the whole room. The day the person was moving in, she cleaned the room again and said that I did nothing and that I was selfish for thinking she should clean everything. It has come to a point where she always does this to me in different ways and my boyfriend has to me protect from her. Please let me know what I should do?

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Alex V

How or what can I do. My soon to be ex wife keeping me away from my son but we are still married. I can’t talk or see him. what do I do till we go to court. it sucks

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MJ

Im sure you are a wonderful intelligent woman and a perfect human being and grandmother. It is possible in my opinion she was just raised around your ex husband her father’s abuse towards you growing up whether playing jokingly for his self esteem in some weird manner or just being a bored jerk and a bit of a narrccosist in some way on occasion. It’s what she learned from him and you and misinterpreted it as love and how people talk to one another. She has done the same thing now to her son and your grandchildren who are being conditioned by her behavior into thinking that this is an acceptable way to talk to you. It’s a shame my family fought like animals but when I turned 17 I became the reasons for everything they would focus on me and make me look like a terrible person I haven’t seen them since im 34 now. Ive stayed away and kept love in my life instead of negative people who don’t have respect for themselves. I have true happiness for my life and I appreciate you for sharing your thoughts and struggles with the rude behavior that is nothing to do with you and is just a reflection of them and the struggles they have and hidden away from sharing and being open for discussion. I think you are smart enough to know that they are toxic and abusive people who don’t deserve to be in your life. You can find so many strangers that care about you and would never put you down or talk bad about you. Real people who love don’t make people feel bad or upset or not want to be around them. They are not always family members who are the most loyal and trustworthy. They don’t realize and understand what you’re feeling and what they are doing and have progressed into. I love you human to human and you can join so many groups organized in your community that people are going through the same things as us and are blessed to be aware. I graduated anger management 4 times before 17 and knew I wasn’t the problem. I loved me enough to get me away from the abuse.

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Patricia

Your words so fit what has happened to me .After 10 years I can still only guess at why my daughter suddenly cut me .I had been perching on the fence between her and her father my husband .It was a few weeks after she had said I was too nice a person to live as I did with him and should leave ,could even live with them .Its in the punch line tho she ended with It upsets ME .I can see the cold logic of it from her perspective .She has a long history with Quite serious mental health Issues and cutting friends off and I can see that to her it’s seems reasonable that if cutting him off did not result in my validating her because I remained then she had to move one step up the retribution ladder of nearest and dearest .Such single minded crueltyis heart stopping isn’t it because it’s totally blind to the devastation caused to all the family including her children and to herself .She is now trying to have me arrested for harassment because I tried to make amends in this time of Covid .Even the police are treating me like a meddling old grannie that should just stay quietly at home .I am feeling betrayed no other word for it and coupled with deep grief it is hard to want to go on .My husband is long term paraplegic and also uses bullying tactics not to get me to do the many things that come my way at any rate as he is now bed bound but in the exact way and when he decides.Terrible thing for me and I feel many others like us we are not weak ,cowed ,emotionally Unintelligent women .But strong tho codependent caring ones ,unable to extract ourselves because we feel we have failed in some way so have to keep trying to earn kinder treatment .I try not to think about myself ,particularly at present without access to all the people and things that usually keep me sane and here because if I do start thinking the accumulated despair of allowing all this to happen to me without trying to rescue myself will be unbearable .In desperation I referred myself to Mental health psychologist because there is still a spark of zest for life and being creative but it’s a hard and fear filled way every step is uncomfortable but who in their right minds would go on existing like this .Only those who are trying to fit in with the behaviours and thinking of others in the forlorn hope that things must change for the better .Have to abandon that hope and replace it with one that you can make reality .But so much agony and why ?No answer except that it can make you ready to start looking for ways to get into a safer place using less energy for more peace of mind .At 80 that is where I am and I am afraid to climb out of my rut but when I feel that this a shared experience and others are hurting as much and as confused too it gives you the energy to move from what if to let’s see and take the chance to make changes in the hope of smiling all day if you want to.

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Caroline

Maurine you express that you don’t need to rely on your daughter for anything in your life. Bravo YOU for your lifelong character strengths & securities in all aspects that you are & made happen. This places you in continued positive & reassuring control of your past, present & future.
Your self health, happiness & harmony should always be #1. Toxic, opportunistic manipulative people/family should not be permitted to rule/ruin yourself at any cost.
Maurine you are amazing & do not allow anyone to attempt or destroy you in any way or for any price.
Family won’t change or stop & nothing is ever enough – don’t buy into it. Your dignity & quality of life is paramount. Weigh up if you can sever all ties to have a better quality of life, free from convenient use & misuse at the hands of family & at what unacceptable price/impact upon yourself.
Consider revising/updating your personal Will to your agreements.
Good luck for now & future.

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Jan

Tell them they are being hurtful, my mum always got the blame for things , but not by her children, but she did not have much say in the house and never told us of .
Her husband was telling her she was in the wrong, and did things wrong.
Us children were not close to her although my parents are still together, my brave mum.
Your daughter does not sound very nice . I think you are great the way you are still helping her with her children.
Why does she make fun of you. She may not know how else to relate to you .

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Samantha W

I feel for you. I’m 33 no children and lost my narcissist mother in November 2021 and just going through a breakup with a narcissist who thinks everyone else is a narcissist yet ticks off every tactic and technique of a toxic person and an highly reactive partner, recently moved into a shared house with 3 strangers of srilanken decent and still paying rent in house trying to move from all on my own as bf left me right at the time I had to move

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Patricia Ray

Be frank with her. Ask if there’s any hurt feelings that could be causing this hateful and disrespectful tone. Get clear and communicate. Don’t tolerate it. Grow a backbone. They’ll respect you for it.

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Dorie

This sounds exactly like my ex-husband and family. He was emotionally and verbally abusive after we got married. It effected my self esteem and we’ll being. He belittled my friends and called my curse names in front of his family who laughed. He was the the life of his vile family. After 2 1/2 years I left him and divorced, and got therapy. I realized it was never me. He was a part of a dysfuctional and abusive family. He had also threatened to hit me if I said anything negative about his family. There were so many toxic things that happened. He also had a weird dysfunctional relationship with his favorite sister. There were 7 siblings in the family and 9 divorces, including mine. I’m now married to a wonderful man and have 2 children. My husband is respectful and values a committed marriage. My ex- husband thought marriage was a joke he never took seriously. My ex said I would never be apart of a large family and there are 6 siblings with only 1 divorce. I’m so happy I left that sick, toxic, dysfuctional crazy family and live a healthy happy life.

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Andy

My ife is made a nightmare by my wife inviting family to stay despite me asking her to consult me..im up for work at 0450am drive 120miles round trip to work do my hours .My wife hasnt worked for 12 years i pay the bills but treats me like dirt and speaks to me informing me that i am nothing..She gets hysterical abd very childish but wont take acceptance of her attitude and behaviour.As a man shes really taken a big piece of my self esteem away and i dont know what to do as i know i have no more to give

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Anthony T

Thanks for this I’m understanding people much better now and I’m definitely ok with myself after reading this

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Anonymous

Hi, I stumbled upon this just now. I’m glad I did but I’m still not sure what to do. I know what I want to do but I need advice. My oldest daughter is in the military. My husband adopted her a few years ago because that’s what she wanted, she was 20 yrs old when she asked him. So many things have happened and he is very toxic. Fast forward to a couple months ago, my daughter has been living her best life since she got back from Kuwait and traveling with her boyfriend (he is military too). We told her to travel have fun be happy! Now that she did that she came to visit us before she left for Korea. She cuts her visits short because she has her life, and her processing in and out with deployments etc. I’m sad she can’t stay longer but I’m not angry with her at all. My husband on the other hand is. So much so that he is so angry that her last day of visiting us before leaving for Korea he screamed at her (I was at work) and told her he’s sick of her sh*t she should have planned her time better and gone to visit her older brother (he lives in another state) and she knows her family comes first. If she wasn’t so busy chasing d*ck she would have had time. When she called me crying I lost it! There was NO need to disrespect her like that. Mind you I did not call him at all, I stayed at work and told her to get her stuff and say bye to her siblings and him and come to my job. She did and I reassured her she deserves better and that never should have been said. Our relationship is great and I will never not talk to her because of his bull. I have lost all respect for him. I can’t stand to look at him and I want nothing to do with him. I think he should apologize for what he said and he won’t. Ever since that day in May he has brought up my daughter every chance he has gotten to our 3 children and to me. He doesn’t just bring her and her bullsh*t up he he PTSD and relives that day all over agin at least twice a week for these past 3 months. He tells me over and over she is no longer allowed here at our home. He took the things she bought me that were gifts and put them in the garage one day while I was at work, I immediately noticed when I got home and I was livid! I made him bring them back in the house but I have to keep them out of his site. He said when she comes back to visit before she leaves for Germany next that she isn’t allowed here or to stay here and definitely not allowed to bring her boyfriend and he doesn’t want our 3 kids to see her either. Clearly I’m taking our kids to see her but I want her here and I want her to bring her boyfriend, he is amazing by the way! My husband said he would beat the f**** out of her man if he comes here. He has done nothing wrong, he is respectful, funny and me and the 3 kids love him! He’s great for her and he loves her. My husband is so angry because he feels he should have been formally introduced to him, and they should have had a talk but they didn’t. Well when he came here to do all that it was when I had my emergency surgery and my husband was a complete ass! He did nothing to help me and was off the rails when her boyfriend was here. I wouldn’t want to talk with him either. I don’t agree with my husband with any of this and I honestly want to leave but I have no money and no place to live if I do. My 3 kids would come with me along with my two dogs (that my husband also hates). This is so messed up and I can’t not talk to my daughter and not have her come here.

After all this I just said am I wrong for not backing my husband? He thinks I should have his back! Honestly he makes me sick to my stomach.

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Yep

Leave him. And it sounds like he has an attraction to your daughter or a hatred towards women.

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DeneySue

Dear Anonymous, Have things improved. I am gonna have to agree with what Yep said; “Leave him. And it sounds like he has an attraction to your daughter or a hatred towards women.” Have you explored this?

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Emma

Leave him, whether it means you have to go skint for a while, you will build yourself back up I promise you, you will just have been told over and over that you would never make it on your own, that’s not true! I did it left my abusive husband with my kids started from scratch with nothing, whilst he stayed in our 3 bedroom family home for 3 years defaulted on the mortgage refused to sell the house until he defaulted that much he had no choice but to sell!! He blamed me for the defaults because I should have still paid half the mortgage bearing in mind I was renting a house for me and the kids for £600pcm on a part time wage and no child support from him!!! Get out as soon as you can, people like that will drain the life out of you.

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KimM

I think your husband sounds as if he has issues that you will be unable to help him with. You will have to decide if your happiness is worth forfeiting or if your life would be better to live solo. I think you know the answer. It’s been a year….what did you decide? All the best to you.

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Martie

Thank you! I was in a friendship with my best friend for 5 decades. I’m tired of being controlled. She berates me and yells at me, then she denies to have done that.

She was very insensitive to the loss of my child and then my husband. She would do physical deeds, but there was no compassion. I’m too old and started answering back.

We had our last argument this past week. I took her out to dinner for her birthday. She brought up how I insulted her 3 weeks ago. After we argued in restaurant I asked why she brought it up. She told me I brought it up, not her.

I’m making new friends in my community and making plans with my work friends. No one is going to make me cry again.

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Clint E W

This toxic person describes my wife too a T…
Thank you for this outstanding article..
Its going to help me a great deal..

Thanks, won’t let this drive me crazy anymore

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Ginger D

Thanks yes this is how it’s been for sometime. I often wonder what’s the cause of the bitterness; toxicity. Always irrational & never gonna be happy, bc they’re gonna settle for someone that cannot support but will be bvb the only kind to put up with being toxic & non apologetic behind their own mental issues.

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Dummper

Its been one year since I got married. It was a arranged marriage. My family chose my husband but now my mother and my younger brother abuse my husband. They claim that my husband has changed me. Before marriage they blamed me for every issue or fight that happened. They would abuse me and stop talking to me. It affected me so bad that I used to blame myself for everything bad that happened. I even apologized whether I was wrong or not, but now after marriage my husband gives me respect. He is the first person to apologise. He fulfils all my wishes and now I know my value, but my mother and brother abuse him. I always stand by his side. They wanted me to chose between them. I love my husband. He understands me every time. I him over my mother and brother, although my father and sister support me. I refused to apologize this time. Is my decision right to leave my mother and brother?

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Luanne G

Thank you .. I have a 2 people that are toxic in my life and I know that I am a good person who doesn’t deserve being treated horribly, my son is one of those persons and my heart ❤️ is broken 😞 I will take your advise and make some changes.. again thank you 🙏 I need someone to talk to so if you ever have a moment free you can email me.

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Lea

Bless you – don’t feel alone and in need – drop me an email -struggling with my 23yr old daughter so maybes went can help each other.
I know it’s tough – Lea x

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theonenottwosorthrees

Only ended up here because this morning I had kind of an arguement with my toxic boyfriend. While we were broken up I got my son a phone just to check on him while i’m not home or so he can watch something while i’m at work, nothing major, but he got mad because I never gave him his phone number and basically just never told him anything about it. To me, it didn’t mean anything just something normal, well to him it was the end of the world! or the beginning of world war 3, sucks because i’m so emotional and I believe I am pregnant. But a while back, one day he was home and a phone slipped out of his pocket and turns out he had gotten a second phone and he was just so casual about it. As if nothing. And I was honestly a little upset over it but I did not want to argue with him so I did not say anything. But it made no sense whatsoever.

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Cheryl

My new partners daughter doesn’t like me she said to my partner I don’t talk enough when I visit him she and her adult family live on the property in their own house

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Lin C

I was married to my high school sweetheart for 23 years with the last 5 years being living hell. I left him for a guy that I had always loved and crushed on since I was 14, but never got with because he was married and is older than me. That being said, I am with him now. I got divorced last year. The man I am with I truly love dearly but he is disabled and I feel like I’m always the one person that has to do everything. I’m always having to do all the housework I have to help him in and out of bed. I have to wipe his butt when he goes to the bathroom. His knees are bone on bone and he uses a walker. Surgery is not an option because he has history of developing blood clots after surgery even with a blood thinner. So it’s very risky and doctors will not allow him to have surgery. I don’t know what else to do because I feel like I’m stuck and I have no other place to go for me or my daughter. I have panic attacks and anxiety and depression which I’m under doctor’s care and on medication for.

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Phil

By that, I’m the toxic one but you have to understand who I’m married to – absolutely and utterly impossible on every level.

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Learning

Thank you for this article and all the comments. My sympathy to all. It took a long time for me to figure out what I was going through with my siblings and thanks to sites like this, I can understand it and see how others deal with toxic people. I realized that I needed to set firm boundaries with 2 of my sisters and that has helped immensely. We went through a period of conflict when I tried to address things and then realized “talking” is useless and results in denial and more manipulation -and started asserting myself and limiting contact. But what do you do when you have children who have had relationships with their cousins? What do you tell your teen – he asked why I don’t get along with my sister(s)? I don’t want to lie, but not sure how much to reveal? He knows I went through a long period where I was angry and hurt – and I said I was trying to work it out, but I never gave specifics. I didn’t even know what I was going through for a long time. I know that the control, judgement and manipulation was towards me, (and my other sisters) not my son or my husband- so he doesn’t see it. The “right” thing to do is not talk down about another person – but how do you talk about or refer to your toxic sibling to your own child and to others who know your family and have no idea, but it’s obvious you are not on speaking terms.

I want to just cut them out of my life (and just tolerate them during those few obligatory holidays) But when my son asked about seeing his cousin I was conflicted about how to handle it and how to talk about it. In the next year, he will be driving and can manage his own relationships without me, so a part of me is just waiting for that to happen so I don’t have to be involved.

I realize I’m still working through this- hearing their names and being in their presence still makes me uncomfortable. I go through long periods where I’m still rehashing and processing all the crap I went through. I know I have to focus on myself, my family, my REAL friends and family, but eventually my mind will just come back to it- it still consumes me. I know I need to work on emotionally detaching, but I’m torn knowing that my son is affected by this.

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Sydney

Grace,
Please keep reading the posts that are shared by other people who have also lived your feelings of betrayal.

I’ve lost a brother because of a toxic SIL. There won’t be apologies, and so the onus will be on you to find some way of getting over the anger, the hurt and possibly some depressing moments. This is not your fault. Take care.

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Kelly

Thank you for the article! This helps explain so much, I am surrounded by toxic people in my life ( mother, brother, & husband) it gets so hard sometimes. I’ve been thinking about going to therapy to learn how to deal with them, it helps to read everyone’s comments to know I’m not alone. Does anyone have any suggestions on any books to read? Kelly

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Grace

I am in a very dark place at the moment due to toxic family members, especially my SIL and brother. I’ve always known my SIL was toxic but for the sake of my relationship with my brother I did everything I ever could to please her. Unfortunately I reached breaking point a month ago and allowed myself to get in a fight with her over SMS. I then realised that she and my brother have discussed very personal things about me with their friends and other family members for years, pretending that they always had my best interests at heart. Since then, my SIL, we both work in the same industry, has done everything in her power to alienate me from my entire family and people in the industry by spreading malicious and very damaging gossip. And my brother is joining in. I have never in my life felt so betrayed and hurt. I accept my part of the responsibility but the more I think about it the more I realise that I’ve allowed myself to be fooled, ridiculed and manipulated by these toxic people, family I trusted. I feel like a punching bag and the blows are relentless. But after a lot of soul-searching, I’ve realised that even if things were resolved – highly improbable – the damage has been done and I can never allow them back into my life again. I am also being more careful about who I allow into my life as I’m trusting and open and always expect the best from people, hence men, ‘friends’ and colleagues have hurt me deeply over the years. Now is the time for healing and accepting. But it doesn’t make the hurt less and the damage that they are doing to me any better. Thank you for this site and your article, it’s a lifeline.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Grace this is a hurtful thing for you to go through. It’s never an easy decision to close out family from your life, but it sounds as though you have made this decision with enormous strength, clarity and self-respect. Here is an article that might help you with your moving forward. It’s about letting go of toxic people with love and grace, and without guilt https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. I wish you all the very best.

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Sharon

I have a relative like this. I’ve finally decided to have as little contact with her as I can. I will however continue to see her kids when they visit their grandmother, we are very close, but as for her, let’s call her J, I want little to do with. She often uses her children as pawns for people to feel sorry for her, this bothers me. She’s very lovely when things ar going her way but when you say no to her requests, like I did recently, she goes off the deep end and begins making wild accusations that you don’t care about her, you help everyone but her, etc. Yes I’ve helped other relatives out but not to say I haven’t helped her. I’ve said no to others before and have never been talked down to. They simply move on. J however likes to make herself the victim of your so called cruelty towards her. I’m simply tired of being treated like a terrible person when she doesn’t get what she wants.

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Mr. Depressed

My wife is all of these things and withholds intimacy and sex. She also threatens me she can take the children which I know is not 100% true, then again I live in Cali and they side with the women. Sometimes I wish I was dead.

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Mr. Depressed2

Hey Man, know it’s a year later and hope you’re not dead. .

Same boat here, felt this way for a long time, and HATE who this woman has become.

So many of us Men let these psychopath women ruin our lives due to our bad decision and Cali-law.

I Hate my life right now

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Gloria Tucker

Mr. Depressed, Go talk to a family lawyer. Tell him what’s going on. Dont let someone emotionally blackmail you so they can keep tormenting you.

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Disavowed

Sharon, since there are children involved why not give yourself a trial period of having some time off from the negative interaction from heir mother… Technically you would not be lying if you told their mother that you have to take some time to collect your feelings about a personal dilemma you face..

The reason I say that is because children don’t deserve an abrupt abscence from an adult who is close to them… A purposeful exit I mean.. If the mother has not told you that you are not allowed to see the kids, then come up with a way to let those little guys know you are still available to them

Depending on their ages, there might be an opportunity to have time with them. Even phone calls if possible. If she is using her kids as a tool then it will be difficult to do that. Ig will take a strategic plan if the time with them is what you like..

Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out how a toxic person is playing you, but when you finally see it, well thats power for you now… You take the wheel at this point..

Everybody has a breaking point, its always sad when the innocent kids of the toxic adult has to be abandoned because their parent wears other people out.. I have been where you are many times with children, not just my GK.

I would not want you to terminate your interaction with kids you care for without really analyzing how not to do that. You will miss them, trust me

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Mary King

This is one situation with which I can completely identify. Our granddaughter-in-law (GDIL) was given a home by our daughter when she was 16 yrs. old due to her dysfunctional family She was helped to finish high school, taught to drive, etc., and married our grandson 7 years ago. She experienced an emotional breakdown 2 years ago, and my husband and I went 200 miles to our grandson’s home to care for her and their children – then ages 2 and 3-1/2. After we returned home our younger daughter went and stayed 2 weeks to help her. Since then she has finished cosmetology school and is licensed, but after some unpleasant confrontations with customers/co-workers is no longer practicing. She has finished all course requirements for entrance to nursing school, been accepted – but refuses to take the necessary immunizations for admittance. We and our daughter love her and her husband – and until recently been very involved in the life of the great-grands – attending b’day parties, tee ball and soccer games, dance recitals, etc. Our (GDIL) kept us informed via Facebook about the great-grands school days with pics, happenings, etc. NOW, she has suddenly cut off all communication, does not reply to our correspondence, refuses to attend family events (b’day dinner for my husband’s 80th) due to her “anxieties,” avoids contact at children’s sport activities . . . on and on. After a particularly dramatic event in which she refused at the last minute to let the children participate in a weekend camping trip planned for months, our daughter confronted her about how this behavior is affecting the children. Our daughter, I might add, was paying for GDIL’s therapy, day care for the children to allow GDIL to attend school and work part-time. It was discovered that she has maxed out several credit cards and put the family in a critical financial situation. Our grandson isn’t totally innocent in this since he seems to pretty much let her do what she wants just to “keep the peace” at any price. I am, unfortunately, familiar with the toxic personality types and seems she has become a classic example by holding the children hostage to force compliance to her needs. Although I am aware of her tactics it is no less hurtful to deny precious children a warm and loving relationship with their grandmother and great grandparents. I can separate from her – but am sad about the loss of contact with the little ones.

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Nina

I think my mother is a toxic person. It took me a long time to figure it out. I always wondered what I did wrong, why she was being so angry, why she kept telling that it was me who made her get in a bad mood. Now I realise I didn’t do anything wrong. When she’s in a bad mood and she asks me a question, and I reply on a normal tone, she’ll always say: ‘why do you talk with that tone? It was just a question. You don’t respect me.’. Me and my sisters always have to prove ourselves to keep her pleased. She has NEVER , in my whole life and I’m 25 years old, apologized for her behavior. When we want to share our thoughts or feelings about her behavior, she rejects the conversation, she starts to throw insults that make NO sense and she gets in a victim-role. I find that I feel very down the moment I get home for a visit (I live alone but visit my mom once a week). I always leave the house in tears. I really want to emotionally detach me from her, but I don’t know how to start with that…

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Hala

I need your help because I am going through hard time.

I was in a 5 months relationship with this guy whom i knew for the past 2 years.
I moved for work to the same city he is from. He helped me settel down and introduced me to his setp mom and step brother and sis.

One day he called me at night and did not sound okay and he asked if he can come over. Wheb he came he was crying and he said it is a family problem with his step mother but he did not want to go in details. He asked if he can stay over. I said off course. He ened up staying for the next five months.

I had to travell for one months during summer vaccation and he called me everyday to check on me and he could not wait till i come back beacuse he felt lonely.

I came back home to find out that he brought all his belongings from his family house to my place.
He then resigned from his job to start his own business which is funded by his father. During that time, he was almost fully depandant on me. Fo example, I was the one who paid groecries, paid for resturants and even his personal stuff like eye contacts.

Drama started when one day he stayed up late at his friends drinking to come back at the morning feeling sick and throwing up. I hlped him to sleep. Then i started to clean up the mess. I found out a lipstick mark on his t shirt.

When he woke up, i told him that I need him to be truthful and explain the mark on his t shirt. He calimed it was my lipstick. I said i was not with you last night. He said it is an old one. Well it did not appear like an old mark.

I told him that i will wash your t shirt and if it goes away that means it is a new mark. If it does not then it is an old mark.
I left to the grocery store and wheb i came back he wasnt home.

I washed the t shirt. The mark was gone.

He did not come back that night. I came back from work for the next two days to find out the he came back while i was at work and changed his clothes.

I tried contacting him, but he wont answer.

I called his friend , brother and sis. His sis finally helped me to meet with him by setting a blind date for us. He was ashamed when I arrived. Then he said that he’s been thinking about us and that he spoke to his bilohical mother, whom never heard from her for that past 5 months that he was staying with me, and she refused the idea of him marrying someone like me with different sect but same religion.

His father also refused and threaten that he will cut his funding off.

I said but there was no need for sudden disapearance. You hurt my feelings. I am so attached to you. He said i did it in porpuse so you hate me.

I begged him to stay and figure it out later, he approved. Then he came back the next day saying he cannot do it anymore. And that he will stay with me for short period and leave.

On my birthday i asked him to go with me on a trip that i planned for and wished to go on birthday. He dropped me at work in the morning and said i will see you later tonight to arrange for the trip. He then said that he has to travell to his step brother to help him with an issue then will have to go meet his bilohical mother. He then disappeared. When i tried contacting his sis, she told me that he is travelling with his paternal step brothers for leisure.

I blocked him from all social networks now, but I am going through hard time beliveing that everything is over after feeling happy and thought that we were moving forward till this suddenly happened.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Hala I can hear how much you are hurting, but love should not be this hard. Love should be reliable, warm, nurturing. It shouldn’t keep you guessing and it shouldn’t hurt. I know it is hard to believe it is over, but if he wanted to be with you, he would be. A man who will disappear without letting you know or getting in touch isn’t somebody who deserves to be in your life. The ending of relationships are always difficult, but that doesn’t mean the relationship was a good one. There is a love for you that will nurture you and enrich your life. Be brave and keep moving forward. Your future self will thank you for it.

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Hala

I am on my way to work. I woke up this morning missing him and reading your words help ao much indeed.

Thank you for replaying back.

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Disavowed

I think you have been given a gift. The gift of relationship disclosure I call it. I am so not a professional anything, but I have lived a life and witnessed many relationships that had signs of failure that was not picked up on, mine included.

When I first started reading your post, I thought it was going to end with you asking how to get rid of a squatter. But it sounds like you fell for this guy who needed a place on a temporary basis and chose your bed & breakfast. He sampled the hospitality and decided not to stay any longer.

He does not sound like relationship material and one day some unfortunate woman will find out the hard way. Don’t let it be you. It sounds like you have it together. Home, Job and independence… Another gift…

You sound like a good catch but be choosy. Never chase a man who is trying to run away, because that urge will strike him again

Men are predictable creatures. That is why there are so many relationship books. They were created with just a few molds, and women my age have seen them all. If you do not have a pet, now would be the time to get one. It would also be the time to do some major thinking about the standards you live by… Never loan out your couch again unless its a neighbor (female) who is displaced from a fire…

Sounds basic, but there are amazing travel ops for people who are single… Tour groups of young and old singles are having a blast… Do not pay for the meals of a guy who failed to launch, save your change for a singles tour group… Mert new people and see a new place

Some women would give anything to be a single female with independence… Never give that up easily…

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Angel

I have been dating this guy for two years now. For the whole two years till to date he has never admitted his wrong doing, it is always my fault that he behaves the way he does. He always say hurtful words to me whenever we have a fight. I lost had a miscarriage in July, we had a huge verbal fight and my pregnancy was complicated DR said it was a threatened miscarriage which and i should not be stressed or do heavy duties. However, on this day my boyfriend we a had a huge verbal fight with my boyfriend because i did not entertain his cousin who was always passing bad remarks even in his presence. we had the fight until when i got very emotional, started crying and soon after i started bleeding. That’s how we lost the baby. From there he apologized and said to me that he has always been aware of how his cousin treated me but then he never admitted i was always the person who does not like his cousin. He went on saying that all the times we had fights it was all his fault i never did anything wrong to him he was just taking his frustrations on me. He went on telling me how good of a woman i am and that he will change, he will listen more to me instead of shouting. This happened in July this year. Now we had a fight because he did not pay one of his contracts that is on my name when i confronted him he said that my tone of addressing the issue was very bad. We had a fight he told me how wrong i was as always, how i do not listen, how my perspectives differs from him. How he does not look at other women because he has me but i do not appreciate. How busy of a man he is and he does not have time for such i should just believe whatever i want to believe. in this two years of dating, the good things he did to me i can count in 5 minutes but the bad i will need the whole week.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Angel, why are you in this relationship? No relationship is perfect, but there has to be a balance between good and bad. If you feel bad more than you feel good, it’s important to listen to this. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved and nurtured. Can this relationship do that for you?

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In pain

My husband can be very verbally abusive and occasionally pushing physically but can’t say that it’s the traditional physical abuse. He tries not to do it in front if the kids however it’s inadvertently done all the time such as “fuck off” “eat shit” and shut up. My son 3 year old who is the sweetest screamed at me and said shut up Mama after her dad said the same words and then some. I don’t know what to do

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Daisy

I have a revolting family. I have had to cut from everyone.They have made me physically and mentally sick.

One pair of Cousins wait for the right moment then tell all my business to complete strangers. Then are so concerned at my response. Seems like they want to “get me. ” Both unfortunate Cousins are not attractive.. one never married ones husband chooses to live and work overseas . ( Get the picture )

I decided ( stupidly ) to invite these toxic A-holes to an Easter lunch ( wrong move ) anyhow I invited my friends one who is my husbands work colleague, To my horror these A hole cousins swapped phone numbers with my friends . Now the toxic A hole cousins have started all these rumors and gossip about me . The Cousins and my friends had a lunch together .This has resulted in my husband ( who is recovering from a heart attack ) having no to awkward conversations with his colleague. My friend not talking to me . My cousins and Aunt being distant after i exploded that these people all meet without my knowledge ,
GOD HELP ME !

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Disavowed

I have been around toxic people my whole life but did not know it. Thanks to the internet, we can now identify that and learn from it… Too bad it took so long

My sister is someone who would get email addresses etc and do exactly what you described with your Ahole cousins… When I was a teenager and she was a married mother she did the same with my 15 yr old friend.

She also had my DILs email addresses and sent garbage after another sister passed away. Its no wonder my DILs treat me bad I was thinking one day… But then I realized they should have been able to separate me from that sibling stuff.

But my sister has done things like that all her life. Despite all the help I gave her after a divorce and widowhood in one year, in the end, when I did not do what she wanted, that was her payback.

Coming from toxic people seems to make us bigger targets for other peoples negativity… I sometimes wish I had not had children because I had no family worth them knowing, except my father, he was the exception.

Sometimes it feels like you are judged for having estrangement in your family and sometimes it makes you more sensitive to how people treat you and how you allow for them to treat you…

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Sydney

Disavowed you’ve written,

“Sometimes it feels like you are judged for having estrangement in your family and sometimes it makes you more sensitive to how people treat you and how you allow for them to treat you…”

Exactly how I feel, I don’t talk about my family to my extended family and I never talk to my extended family about my family.

I have gone no contact with a SIL who is a bully B*@ch. I’ve gone no contact with a disturbed sociopath younger brother via mail to let him know I no longer consider myself his sibling, then there is the DIL whom I’ve been writing about. With the exception of two very trusted friends I won’t talk to anyone about my family. It’s been my experience that most people have dysfunction in their families and some choose to be an open book and some opt to put on a facade or are very private.

I had internalized all three of these relationships to the point of extreme stress exhibiting hair loss, rashes and depression because I could not understand what I was doing wrong. It’s the self-blaming that makes me want to scream because to sacrifice this kind of energy to anyone is a travesty. You are so right when you wrote, kindness is free. I love the kind me and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to take that soft part of me away. Common courtesy and respect is all I ask from my fellow human being. It’s not a lot to expect is it.

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Disavowed

Sydney I believe that empathetic people will allow so much leeway for their family and even aquaintances to behave badly because we crave harmony and balance and want everyone to be happy…. The minute someone who is accustomed to making people walk their walk learns this about you, they treat you badly the way someone treated them or the way they now want to define your relationship, with you downloading negative emotions

When a person who thrives in harmony is shunned or being stonewalled by a person they care about, their emotions take a nose dive… They start wondering what “they” are doing wrong… They will try very hard to create harmony but time and again, the attempt turns out bad… For them

And I think empathetic people get more hurt than angry in the beginning.. The toll it takes on them eventually wears them down and usually there is one event that lets them know they cannot safely handle another bad incident…

Everybody is entitled to bad or off days but when you see that your presence or communication draws out negative feedback time and again, you know its too much…

Empathetic people are not stupid after all… Our capacity for foolishness becomes depleted.. It shows up with physical ailments…

It is not that we gave up on the toxic personality that quickly, most of us held on too long…

What I have realized with my younger DIL is that I am experiencing the trickling affect.. It took me a few days to realize it, but it starts at her parents level, goes through my son and then to me and on to my spouse… I get her dismissive attitude because I am the least important on her list of hierarchy… My son exhibits attitudes I have never seen in him…

I am at the dawning stage at present and still feel shocked that so much has come out in the last week that has enlightened me. I am not totally sure how I will face this but one thing is certain I won’t be caught off guard again

Never allow someone to steal what joy you have in life… At the middle age mark, our joy is different.

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Sydney

We dance to the same music disavowed. Thank-you for your insight. I truly wish you peace. Keep talking and sharing I’m listening.

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Disavowed

Sydney, I have to mention that the incident with your SIL reminds me of what my older DIL did on her sons 5 th birthday…8 yrs ago… Yeah, I’m a veteran

She had the party at one of the bouncey houses, and I was excited about going and watching him with all his little friends…

When my husband and I walked in, I saw her talking to some of her friends. I assumed we would greet each other when she finished talking, but she kept avoiding us, especially me. She didn’t say anything to my younger son or his then gf, the one who I came on here to discuss…

I was confused, hurt, and just disappointed. I kept replaying the last time I talked to her to see what we did wrong. That would be the week before when we took our GS to pick out a bike, they my son and DIL wholeheartedly approved of. We never gave gifts unless we knew they would allow them. There have been times that our gifts were regifted to her friends children. They were not cheap toys that broke or fell apart. After all they were good enough for her to regift.

I thought and worried all weekend and then it dawned on me… She ignored us because she did not want to appear to be a hypocrite or two faced in front of the friends she had gossiped about us to..

How would she look? Complaining about me one minute and smiling and cordial to me the next? No, she had to keep up appearances and that was to show her friends just how bad I really was, so bad that she did not speak.

It didn’t matter to her how we felt. My son is a guy, he doesn’t care, what can he do about it? She thought… So we got shunned

My husband on this occasion still did not understand the hurt, even though he was shunned too…

My guess is there were people your SIL was close to that she gossiped to about whatever her private grievance was of you and did not want them to see her two sided face…

These kind of situations really put these toxic people in tight spaces.. She was probably sweating a little over that one..

While you had a lot of expense to attend the wedding, feel good that you were a bigger person that day.. You did something many family members would not do for out of town family… You showed up and showed out.

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Sydney

Disavowed I think you’re on to something with the SIL.
It took us 8 months to compose a letter to her, it almost became a hobby. I was hoping it wasn’t my turn again but as soon as I saw her with her sister in the kitchen the night before the wedding and they wouldn’t turn to greet us I knew we pulled the short straw. BB SIL has disregarded every person in our family either individually or as a couple. She did it to my parents too but my husband and I have been the only ones to stand up to her.
I’ve never regretted the letter. I couldn’t ever act as if nothing happened. She is a Jekll and Hyde and it was exhausting trying to stay out of her sniper scope the rare times I had to see her. She is a loud, obnoxious and an in your face “here I AM” person who is enabled by my brother. You know the one with no gonads.

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Laurie

This sounds exactly like my current husband. I have been married 10 miserable years to this selfish prick. Within a month after getting married, he turned into the opposite person I knew. I am critisized for just about everything, how I do dishes fold clothes, clean, you name it. I have to watch everything I say, not to anger him, and get attacked for not having same views as him. I have never heard an apology, thank you, nothing. Ever. Every holiday for years, bdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, he uses the excuse we have no money. Which is a lie. I am talking not even a card. I stopped getting him thing, out of wasting my energy on an ingrate. I am working on leaving this marriage, which I should have done years ago. These people Do Not change. Really listen to the red flags from the start.

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Emily

This is an exact description of one of my family members..someone I live with unfortunately. No matter how mean and hurtful she is for no reason, it still gets manipulated and turned into my fault. This person is literally ruining my life. Any time I call her out on her terrible behavior she somehow transforms into the victim and makes me feel horrible. I was feeling guilty about moving out and “leaving” her as she describes it, but this article made things clear for me. I have never done anything to deserve such awful treatment and will no longer let this toxic person hurt me.Respect has to be earned not given…

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susanne

Emily
I have been in your position with my ex brother in law and ex husband. I read this article and it literally opened my eyes and my heart felt like it died. After 2 years of a marriage psychologist I was finally told….your husband will never choose you (me). He was right. I made my husband leave the home…which he moved into his brothers home..the same brother that abused me emotionally, slandered my name to family and friends…
I started to heal for myself. I was yelled at by me ex brother in law ” move the eff out of this town, your kind don’t belong here…and you ruined my life”!. His life. I wasn’t married to his life?! But he still slanderes me and my ex doesn’t think anything he said Warrenton a divorce. Well….it isn’t healthy and it’s not my problem the way they were raised to treat others and women is wrong. In my exhusbands mind it’s all my fault for not “letting go if his brothers bs” because I should be able to…4 years of this I took. And nope not happening..I refuse to live isolated under anyone’s abuse! It isn’t easy but I know I deserve better! Toxic people have a very good learned behavior they learn from birth….I swear….and nothing anyone else can do to change them. Leave them…heal and move on! Sad truly..so sad.
Life and loving someone should never hurt, mentally, physically or emotionally!
Take care and be strong for yourself! Your inner beauty! Your mental health! And for who you are! Never ever allow someone else’s bs change the woman you are!

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Hurt

These situations remind me so much of my mothers sister, my aunt. She is about 75 years of age now and has absolutely destroyed alot of relationships. She has always lied and manipulated to have control over her son. He is over 50 year old man who still lives with her and is now very abusive to women and has been abusive to his daughters and together they have destroyed any hope for these girls to lead a full and happy life as they also now have the traits. They were such beautiful girls growing up and I tried to be there as much as I could for them but yet this has backfired and it has just gone to far with the lies and jealousy. It is really very sad and I’m heartbroken. Sometimes you just need to walk away even if you never get validation for your hurt feelings from these type of people who won’t seek help. I have also been cut off from the rest of my mothers family as my aunt lied to me growing up all about them and played me to think they said horrible things and didn’t like me. I stupidly believed it and of course retailiated and fell into the trap especially when my mother was ill and dying. This is when my aunt really told me some bad things about the family…hence now I’m the one that looks bad and she still talks to them all continuing to tell lies.. its so unfair. My mother has been dead for a few years now so it’s just my brother and I. I do thank god every day I have a wonderful son and partner that I’m so greatful for. Just walk away. These people will never change and say a simple sorry. They will make you beg even if you did nothing wrong and was the one hurt. And than they will happily walk away. It’s really degrading and bad for a person to continue to subject themselves to this kind of abuse. I will heal eventually but it will take time. I wish everyone here all the best and do take care of yourselves. Surround yourself with people that appreciate you and genuinely love you. You can’t make these people love you.

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Disavowed

Every single female on my mothers side was like your aunt… no woman could get along on an ongoing basis. And I thought it was just them, till my sisters got older and then I noticed we resembled them… The key was my mother.. She kept the storm going with her own children…

She was one damaged woman growing up

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Amanda

My husband and I are legal guardians to his nephew who is 16. His father died 4 years ago and his mother was a drug addict. Here we are a year later still fighting for control. We use grounding from electronics as a punishment- that never works.
He constantly tells anyone who will listen about how bad his life was (not sure it’s even true at this point) although he has a therapist- he lies to her. He makes up stories about irrelevant things and gets angry when you tell him you know its a lie. We had to take the mirrors from his room because he would stand looking at himself for hours on end and taking inappropriate pictures of himself sending them in mass messages to girls in his school. He doesn’t respect adults at all, or even other teens. When he likes a girl and she turns him down he freaks out on them calling them B-word and whore (this has happened too many times to count). At this point he only listens to my husband, but when he isn’t home it’s horrible. We recently grounded him for cussing me and he told his counselor that we neglect him!?! Which is what he told us when we took custody from his mother- I’m wondering if any of it was even true or if he thinks he can just keep doing this til he gets someone who gives him his way. I don’t want to but we are ready to give him to the state to handle because I am starting to feel unsafe in my own home.

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FräuleinH

What do you do when your half sibling, who you helped raise, has grown up to be somebody different from what you thought? They are still young, but a young adult now. So far they’ve stolen from you, lied to you, talked behind your back (gossip), given you the silent treatment out of nowhere, and blamed you for their horrible behavior. I have chosen sadly to distance myself from this person but they are family. I tried many times to talk to them, but they complained to another family member that I was blowing up their phone. This after they were trying to make plans to visit me. Confusing right? No explanation, no talking, no nothing from them. I don’t deserve it and I’m wise enough to know you can’t try to change them, still it’s sad.

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Nomedigas

I can feel the pain in these replies and I know how it is. Like Michael, in the Godfather, said to Fredo, “Betrayal never comes from an enemy.” And one day I woke up and realized my eldest son would never be someone I want to know. 20 years of back & forth ignoring me, off and on. He even sabotage the relationship I was trying to build with my grand-daughter since we live in different states. I hung in there because he has kidney failure, diabetes, and I still love him but I had to learn to let him go. I miss my grandchildren terribly, but the time has come for me to enjoy my life and if this is the price, so be it. There are some people you can NEVER EVER PLEASE and all they want to do is hurt you. I love my son but I love myself too and I refuse to let toxic folks control my life. I leave them to heaven, pray for them and enjoy my life.

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Mark

What is the best way to deal with emotionally immature/toxic parents? I know my parents fit this article to a T.

I have been struggling to deal with these individuals all my life. Being raised by such individuals has not only caused great insecurity within me but also anxiety. Now that I am a young adult I have realized so many things and it still doesn’t make it easier to deal with such toxic people. Its like I was brought up with just emptiness inside and now I have awakened.

Can I continue having a relationship with them without feeling their toxicity? The sad part is that I want to have a relationship with them but at this rate I feel I cannot because its negatively affecting me to much. Is is selfish of me to distance myself?

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Hey Sigmund

Mark I completely understand how awful it is when the people who are meant to love, nurture and lift you are the ones who hurt you. It is absolutely NOT selfish to distance yourself from the people who weigh you down. The key is the way you do this. Here is an article that might help:

>> When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/

Take your time over it. Hopefully it will have the information you need. Stay strong. You deserve happiness.

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Nomedigas

I think you should take time and learn to grow stronger. You will meet people like this for the rest of your life and this is your training ground how to deal with them and let them go. After you have been hurt enough, you will have to make a decision and I have a feeling you know what you must do already. Hang in there. Stay positive. Enjoy your life. Take pride in how much you have accomplished. You’d be surprise at how much power you have to endure these conflicts. Good luck.

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Ana

How to deal with toxic people: you don’t. They’ll always be toxic and unless you want to have an awful life, you should walk away from them. It doesn’t matter if they’re family, they’re toxic and will suck the life out of you.

You want to have a relationship with parents, not with your toxic parents. Everyone wants to belong somewhere and be loved. You’re just looking for it in the wrong place.

Believe me I’ve been there. But if you need to be there too, then try again until you won’t take it anymore and see for yourself.

Very good luck to you!!

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Disavowed

I hear what you are saying. But when it comes to parents depending on the negativity, I have seen adult kids confuse toxic parents with concerned parents

A young woman I worked with kept talking about her parents being toxic. I asked her one day what was happening thinking I would hear some awful stuff.

Her complaints included her parents checking in with her twice a week, making sure her car was being maintained for safety, asking her to let them know when she traveled for work, sending magazine articles about women and safety (living alone)

She was 400 miles from them in a new town and new job for the first time in her 25 years. She saw all of that as negative behavior. I saw it as a parent trying to love their only child from long distance

I know there have been times in my sons lives that I told them more than once to wear a seatbelt, call home when they got there, etc… They seemed annoyed at times and I thought if they only knew that I never had that concern from my mother and only got it the last few years of my fathers life… Would they feel different if I told them that? And decided no they would not because they never had a moment where they felt unloved…

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Disavowed

Sometimes children confuse love and concern for an adult child with toxicity. Were they always toxic or did it just start since you became an adult?

Are there any gfs? Wives? Who complicate your relationship with them? Are you an only child?

The problem is that nothing is written to prepare parents for the day their child stops wanting their involvement… There may be self help books now but not so many 20 yrs ago…

If you remember that all that negativity coming at you is misguided love and concern you might see it differently… I am guessing that these people love you more than themselves, they just don’t know how to control how that information gets to you

As a daughter who never felt like I was the child but instead I was the parent of my parents, hearing one of them fretting over something for me would have been a first.

Appreciate that connection because life is short.

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David

Please help.

I don’t know what to do.

My mother is a toxic person but I think its much more, I think she needs help.

My dad has been abused and groomed to the point where he cannot make a decision on his own.

My brother has special needs and is trapped in an unpleasant environment. I am fairly certain he is now being manipulated into ignoring me.

I have two young children who are now missing out on there grandparents and uncle and I feel guilty.

To give a little background.

I no longer live at home but when I did my mother was very dominating and we faught all the time until my father made me keep quiet to give him an easy life, this made life at home unbearable and I left over 10 years ago.

She did things like ground me in my 20’s for not doing chores despite no one else doing any. Ban me from locking my door and frequently throwing it open for no reason. Vacuuming at 3am in my room because I had neglected to do it the previous day despite me having work in the morning. Trying to impose her strong views on me and calling me names if I did not sway. Making things so difficult and complicated that they were not worth it, eg taking a shower resulted in at least 30 min of drying and cleaning the bathroom. Not being allowed to lock the door when having a bath and having to lie there while she used the toilet because she refused to wait while I got out. The list goes on.

Unfortunately my dad did nothing to challenge these behaviours but rather backed her up to keep the spotlight off of him.

I left as I say and my health greatly improved as did my relationship with my parents for a time, however with me gone my father became the object of her intense and overbearing behaviour. Often the victim of jealousy and control. He is not permitted to have a device that can access the Internet, he is not allowed out on a Saturday night, even with me. He is often kicked out the bed or even the house and often sleeps in a caravan in the driveway.

He used to acknowledge her behaviour was unacceptable but no longer does. He admitted she needed help but refused to do anything now he no longer opens up to me, but in the past he said he could not leave her as she would hurt herself or take her own life.

Unable to get through to him I have distanced myself from his relationship troubles with my mother and it seems he can no longer make a decision on anything without her. He used to offer a mild opposing view to her with suggested compromises etc but now just agrees with her on cue when she asks him to.

My mother keeps poor health and has not worked for over 20 years, it appears they cannot diagnose her condition, she seems to have bad spells and good spells, she spends a lot of time in bed during the day and is often up during the early hours.

If you have a different point of view to her she either blows up, bursts into tears or goes to her bed and ignores you for hours or even days. It appears everything you say is taken as a personal attack.

Both parents have always taken issue with my wife, they have never accepted her taking her dislike of formalities as a gesture of rudeness and disregard. Later when we had the kids they took her insistence on routine for the kids as a rebellious gesture that somehow undermined their competency as parents themselves.

As you can imagine this has led to friction, my wife has kept her feelings quiet for years at my father’s request however this cannot continue when our kids are involved. I am in complete agreement with my wife on this point as our wishes should be respected with our children.

This has led to a severe falling out between my parents and me. Our only contact is to give the children gifts on their birthdays and has been thus for months.

I have repeatedly requested that we all sit down together and work things out however I have my doubts given my mothers behaviour when challenged as mentioned above. At any rate my parents refuse to meet as two couples instead insisting I meet with them alone, I do not want to as they gang up on me and frequently refer to past details I cannot remember, or if I do my mother will deny it and insist my father back her version of events. They say my wife will get upset, it appears my mother is projecting her behaviour onto my wife, who is not like that.

We are sticking to our position that the four of us must attempt to sort it out. We are at a stalemate. I must stick to my guns and support my wife but I feel the kids are suffering.

Even aside from our falling out I am concerned for the worsening state of affairs unchallenged my mothers behaviour is getting worse, my dad looks ill and seems to be lost to it all and my poor brother unable to live independently is stuck in the middle of all this, he is usually extremely friendly but of late cannot look me in the eye and actually runs away from me.

I feel like my side of the family have disappeared down the rabbit hole and I am helpless to sort it out.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

David this sounds like such a difficult and painful situation to be in. I completely understand your sense of ‘stuckness’. The key thing here is that as much as your parents are doing things that are hurting them, nobody can do the changing for them. You are absolutely right to stick by your wife. As the parents, it is for you and your wife to decide what’s best for the children and it’s important that that is respected.

It sounds as though you are familiar with the way conversations go when it is the three of you. There is no point doing things over and over when it is clear they don’t work out. The fact is anyway, if your wife gets upset it’s likely that something has been said to upset her. My concern would be that meeting with you on your own would just be an opportunity for them to speak badly of her to you, and I’m not sure how that will help anything.

Your dad and your brother are really stuck in this. Because they have to live with your mother, it is difficult for them to put up the necessary boundaries. They is probably very familiar with what happens when they don’t play things her way. It’s awful that this is happening, but again, you can’t make the changes for them. It’s very likely that any advice you give them will land cold if they isn’t in a position to leave the relationship.

What might be helpful if you can do this is having an independent relationship with your father and your brother. Meet just with them, either together or separately but not so that your mother feels sidelined. If she feels this, she will likely take it out on them and you don’t want that. Let your dad know that you understand his position, and that you respect that it’s his choice to stay and make the decisions he is making, whether or not you agree with him. I imagine this relationship is a lonely one for him and that he would be grateful for your love and support. He and your mother are not a package deal. You can have the relationship with him on his own, at least until your other is prepared to respect your needs and discuss what the relationship between the four of you will look like. This doesn’t mean being divisive, but more about not rejecting your dad or brother because of your mother.

It’s possible that your brother has picked on the trouble between your family and your mother. Again, because he has to live with her, it is likely to feel important that he side with her. This might explain why he is different around you. It’s not because he cares about you less, but because he has to prove his loyalty to her. It’s awful that he feels this and it isn’t his fault at all. He knows how much power she has and how she can make things okay for him or turn them ugly very quickly.

Finally, I don’t think kids need to be around family members if those family members are hurtful or cruel. It is for your mother to decide whether or not she is prepared to meet you in the middle. If she isn’t, then she is making the decision not to stay connected to your family. Here is an article that might be helpful for you. Take your time over it and see if it is able to bring you any clarity https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/.

I wish you and your family all the best. I know this isn’t easy. It sounds as though you have a wonderfully loving and patient wife. Keep working together on this – you’re both acting with great strength, courage and wisdom.

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Disavowed

I would like to make a comment because I am a daughter and a mother. The first being that you said your children were missing out on their grandparents. Then you explained your life with your mother. Wow! Going to the bathroom while you were in the tub? Did I read that right?

If so, that is something your children are better off without. I would never normally say that children do well without grandparents except in your case

It sounds like an unbalanced woman and your children may not be able to cope with that. My own mother was horrible with her daughters. She argued with her girls like she would a bad neighbor. I allowed my mother around my children but she had cleaned up her act and my sons were never there alone. It was just her daughters she hated… Today I do not see her, she could never have more than 1 daughter in her life at a time, its my sisters turn now

I know about toxic mothers, talk to her on the phone and try to let that be your input. Visiting with your attendance should be ok for your kids but let your wife be in on the plan.

As for your father and mother as a couple. Well that should be none of your business. Thats couple stuff. If she does not want him on the internet, it likely is because she has discovered pornography viewing. Something must be flaring up in their marriage bed and internet porn is infamous for men sleeping in their car. Once a woman discovers her husband is viewing that, it damages their intimacy and might explain why your father no longer talking about their issues.

Again, that is between them just like you would feel if they tried to interject their opinion over your rough spots in marriage, because we all have them..

To sum up, Grandparents have to earn your trust with your children. A great predicter of future behavior is past behavior. She sounds like a woman who is terribly unhappy in her marriage and may have been since the beginning. But never had a way out…

Don’t criticize your Moms bad health. She may be what? In her sixties? News for you… Getting older is tough. One day you ache, one day you don’t… Emotional stress causes many body aches and marital stuff causes emotional stress…

I know you love your parents or you would not have written your post. Its more than my sons would do and they have told people they had a perfect childhood, it got back to me… My sons hold it in like all self respecting male species.. Who just can’t share…

I don’t know how old your kids are but your parents do not sound like they would be the happy people that we typically want our kids around…children pick up on moods and unhappiness… I make it a point to shed any bad day stress just before I interact with my GSs… Whatever I am doting on gets pushed and shoved aside to laugh, play and take in every moment with them because time is a thief…

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Angie

I am married to my husband 28 years. He grooms himself very well and impress people very well. he speaks well and is a smooth operator! As a wife I gave my all and supported him in every way I can. I was loyal and true to him. But he has broken my trust completely and defile our marriage vows. Recently he got involved with a woman behind my back and when I confronted him he said there’s nothing between them. He went to the extent of sending a date message to her and when I found out he put the blame on her that she was making advances towards him and tried getting close to him. He claimed he send the message to appease her and was trying to cut her off slowly as they had misunderstanding , His reason is really invalid. I even found out that he was texting and spoke to her at length a number of times on our way to a trip to another country. He told me he need an opportunity given to him to explain things but kept twisting facts and all he says seems far fetched and lies. I have decided to move away from him and move on but he’s trying to worm his way into my life. The number of things I went through in our marriage was appalling and I couldnt figure out what sort of personality he is. After reading the article, I realised he is a toxic person. Am I right?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Angie, I can hear how confusing this situation is for you. I am not able to say whether your husband is toxic or not based on your comment. Getting involved with someone else is a hurtful thing to do, but it’s not necessarily toxic. There are so many reasons why relationships break down, and why people get involved with people outside the marriage and it isn’t necessarily a sign that anyone is toxic. It sounds like you have made a strong and clear decision out of great self-respect. That’s what matters. Your strength and courage to do the right thing for you. I wish you all the best.

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Sydney

I’ve just finished an article about the toxic people in our lives and how it’s best to never defend oneself because they will play the innocent and it will only result in an immature confrontation.

Since the toxic people in my life would never admit to hurtful actions or be accountable for the things they’ve done I have to agree with this. I am realizing that these toxic people (family) are now playing the victim because I have chosen to set strict boundaries and only interact with them when absolutely necessary.

On the other hand my husband doesn’t relate to this he is always looking for the proverbial olive branch, he will move on when given any superficial offering to do so. He believes these rare and superficial actions on the part of the toxic daughter-in-law is an honest effort and he gets angry with me when I try and get through to him that it will change nothing. It may change for an hour or two because there is an ulterior motive but it will never change in the long run.

To have these angry exchanges with my husband only adds more resentment and the feelings for my spouse has changed because I need to know that I’m validated and even more I need to know he has my back. He never steps up to the plate when he is a witness to hurtful behavior and it’s added up.

I have a close friend who left her husband because he would not protect her from his toxic mother and brother. She was with him for 34 years and after all the non-validation from him she is gone. His response was always “they’re my family”. It was so sad to see this happen.

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Nomedigas

Then stop having these angry exchanges with your husband. Can’t you see the toxic behavior is spilling out of your mouth and into your life, just waiting to destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for? Set your boundaries and stay positive. If your husband is in olive branch mode, let him. You are strong enough to validate yourself and you are doing so. Take time to smell the roses with your husband, see how much love is still working and growing in your life. Together you & your husband will form a united front that no toxic folks can destroy.

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Sydney

To Nomedigas,

Thanks for your advice. I know I’m strong enough to validate myself, I also have a strong reflex emotion to protect the person I love and that’s my husband.

I am listening to what you said and yes I will stay positive. The setting of boundaries is the most powerful tool.

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Marie

Sorry Nomedigas, but your comment sounded like an oversimplicafication to me with phrases like ‘just stay positive’ and ‘smell the roses with hubby.’ Huh? There is definitely something to be said about self-validation and setting ones boundaries, but if those boundaries are constantly being challenged by your husband because he can’t (or won’t) see the continual damage and impact of the pattern of behaviour from the toxic person, then that is a very real relationship concern. Smelling the roses with hubby and being happy-go-lucky to block out the dreaded toxic, negative thoughts, won’t resolve the well of resentment that will naturally build up if not addressed. Communication and understanding is key on both sides, and perhaps a counsellor is needed. If it’s still important for the husband to just ‘get along’ with his son and DIL no matter what they continue to do, then perhaps there are boundaries around that too (ie. He can visit his son and DIL on his own on some occasions, along as it’s made very clear to him that he doesn’t participate in any negative talk about you, and is civil but not overly chummy with DIL after the way she has treated you).

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Sydney

Marie, my husband is for the most part non-confrontational and he doesn’t speak badly about me to anyone.
Its almost as if my husband can’t admit to the shortcomings of his sons behaviour yet he has said something like “yep I know what she’s all about” when referring to his DIL. Ir then seems like it should all be forgotten and move on. This is where I once again would’ve had to defend my boundaries.
Now summer is almost gone and we have had a great time. For whatever reason my husband has made no contact with his son and I haven’t asked. Tonight they’re getting together for the 1st time in 3 months to go to the car races. There will be 5 going but no DIL. I’m thinking we’ve come to an understanding.

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Disavowed

Sydney one thought is that you could be more of an Empath personality than your husband.. If he is not tearing you down mentally by making you feel like the bad one then he may be just processing things different

For years I never knew why I could feel other peoples negativity in a room until I came across the info on Empaths… I am that and have found times where I wish I were not

It is overwhelming and exhausting to feel other peoples toxic personality traits… Its so hard to be a feeling person in this world. There are so many socially unaware people that you wonder how you can flip the switch so you can go with the flow of that

Sometimes if someone who knows your DIL ever lets their guard down they might give away that she also gives them a hard time such as what my DILs mother did the other day. Telling your DAughters MIL that she was terrible seemed like a cry for help in some ways. Or either she wanted me to share how she treated me. They see me there always lending a hand with her child and must wonder how she treats me. I am positive they know her dismissive attitude toward me..

I have always believed that if you don’t want to be my friend, please don’t be my enemy…

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Sydney

Disavowed,

What you wrote,
“Sometimes if someone who knows your DIL ever lets their guard down they might give away that she also gives them a hard time….”

My daughter knows a co-worker of the DIL and has offered up instances where the DIL has trampled and back stabbed her way to her present position. Apparently she is not well liked but she makes sure everyone knows she has 600 or so facebook friends. Who cares.
Her father at the wedding did a toast to the bride and at one point said “she always gets what she wants” and I suppose that included landing her new husband who was married at the time she set her sights on him. Cripes the first wife was a piece of work but not even close to being toxic just 14 years his senior and more like his mother than his wife. I’m digressing so I’ll stop.

I appreciate your candor and you articulate your situation clearly so I know you’re not a stupid person. Please try and take care of yourself.

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Disavowed

That doesn’t work. How does one hide pain when it involves the person who they carried in their womb?

Pain will talk for itself everytime. Conversations should not be difficult for a man who sincerely cares for his wifes feelings.

He should take a cue from his son and watch how to support a wife

The reason behind this non confrontational stance is simply a man who has lost warm affection for his wife. I deal with it as well..

Had I known that my spouse after 40 plus years would do this to me at this stage of life, he would have been dumped the first chance I was given

He obviously thinks he will rekindle a place when I am gone and does not want to cause waves.. My husband has always been a pos

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Sydney

Disavowed,

If the toxic behavior involves your son then can you talk to him? Is he the type of person who doesn’t see his wife for who she is? Does she treat him like crap too? If he doesn’t see any of this then you need to back off and find peace.

The support he is showing his wife is called enabling and she will never allow you to come between them.

Your DIL will not change as there’s nothing to motivate her to do so. Ironically as far as these disturbed people are concerned I’m convinced they think we are the toxic ones.

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Disavowed

No my son will not side with her because that would mean he had his children with an unbalanced woman… He knows that she has to be the root cause of what I said to him a few weeks ago…because of her relationship with her mother at times

But she at least tries hard to make those hurtful connections up. Where I am concerned she does not care.. A lot of this is about her kids.. She is very insecure and seemed angry because of how her 2 yr old responded to her when she came home with the baby…

She is wishy washy. She trusts no one else with him but me, yet she does not want him close to me… That was how DIL no 1 was, and I am lucky if I see my oldest 2 GS 3 times a year and they live 30 min away

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Sydney

Disavow,
It’s hard to know what to say because I am of the mind to treat people the way they treat me. If I’m treated poorly or disregarded then I shut down and act it back. We reap what we sow. I’ve chosen to implement limited contact. It doesn’t matter what we do we will always be in the wrong so it has to be a choice you can live with. For me it’s a personal boundary, I don’t need to advertise it I just need to live it.

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Disavowed

You are doing the right thing, and I hope I can start implementing some plan. But when GK are involved you are determined not to allow a toxic person to control your time with them.

My aunt had many sayings but believed mean people should be killed with kindness when you had a personal stake in the fire. Not much personal than a grandchild

So that is why many grandparents have to move out of state because they know they will cave in for their GK

But you have the perfect mindset and I am like you today where I was not always like that in my earlier years. The other day has shocked me somewhat and still trying to figure it all out

I do wish I did not have a person shaming over trying to set my boundaries, the stress wears me down so bad…

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Sydney

Disavow your husband has proven to you that he isn’t capable of validating your feelings and it can be so empowering if you can find validation from another source.

I remember a few years ago I met a woman within a group of people over drinks. For whatever reason we hit it off immediately. This woman poured out to me how toxic her in-laws were, meaning her mother-in-law, one brother-in-law and a sister-in-law. I was fascinated with her story and we practically ignored everyone around us, she was in so much pain.

Let’s fast forward to the present. We have remained steadfast friends. She has listened to me and validated me. This friend has been with her husband for 34 years and they are divorcing. They have two wonderful adult daughters who do not want to hear about her hurt anymore. Why are they divorcing? He cannot figure out how to deal with his family and through his actions he hasn’t protected her or validated her hurt. He is such a nice guy but he actually is stunned they are divorcing. Even after counselling he admits that he just doesn’t get it.

My husband gets it. He sure as hell doesn’t want this happening to us.

Unfortunately your DIL has the power and that power comes from her children. Would your son deny you access to your grandchildren if you were to limit contact with your DIL?

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Disavowed

Its almost an unbelievable situation unless a person has lived it… I can totally get your friends actions. What men need to realize is women never stop needing their support because they get older.. I laugh at myself sometimes because I did not luck out in the In law dept. And I wanted to so bad. I did not have a great childhood and having a warm woman in my life would have been a blessing to me… The second day I met FIL he was hollering at me, I was 15…. My MIL never tried to know me because she was into crime, which I never knew till years later. Neither had much interest in my husband..

There are layers to the in law relationships.. And has to be the most difficult to open up about to people. I commend your friend for her openess

Yes my son would let me see the GK without her, but I feel that is so dysfunctional and keeps the wound open.. Everytime I am around either one of my DILs it opens up the wound and takes me weeks to feel better

This is a subject I would never discuss with an acquaintance… Never.. And some of the commenters on sites like this are very cruel and come along to bash comments they don’t like, they see it as a take sides issue… When truly there are no sides to take. Nobody goes home with a prize. Sooner or later the toll shows even where it did not before.

There are stages of grief when you lose the relationship even with a person you did not give birth to… I always thought if you treated people well they would do the same. Kindness is free

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Lynn Daniel

Sydney: that’s a typical (and very EVIL) cover malignant narcissist. My mother is one so I know the modus operandi too well. You should let your son know that you care about him because this evil witch is purposely doing this to ISOLATE HIM from his family. This is what these sacks of inhuman excrement do. My mother isolated me from my entire family on BOTH SIDES and ruined my reputation and credibility before I knew what she was doing. Smiling in my face and being all smarmy and sweet while twisting a knife into my back to make sure my brother (her golden child) and her flying monkeys (foster children) got all my part of the inheritance after she covertly murdered my enabling (and betraying) father, who threw me under the bus to try and save his own hide. It didn’t work because after I went no contact she finished him off after 50 years of marital misery for the poor duped idiot who didn’t have the courage to dump the evil bitch. Yep this daughter in law of yours is successfully isolating your son from people who actually care about him. That’s what these monsters do and there is a concerted effort in the mainstream media to HIDE these predators and their evil deeds from society so that they can continue to FEED of normal human beings. Every one who becomes aware of the deeds of these monsters needs to SPREAD AWARENESS! The more you shine light on the cockroaches, the less effective they are and are forced to scatter. Fact is they should all be put in front of a firing squad but that would be only in a just world. Our world is controlled by these types from the top all the way down to the family level.

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Sydney

To Lynn Daniel
Thanks for your response.
One more comment, our son has exhibited preferences for dominant women who end up revealing their manipulative side further into the relationship. We have in this situation opted for the path of least resistance and are staying neutral in all areas of his life. He knows we are there for him.
The fact that we don’t interact much is a by product of his wife’s toxic personality but our son is 48 years old and he is making choices too. Thank goodness she decided not to go forth and multiply. Yay!

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Britany

Yeah that’s what my mom did with my Dad and me when I was a baby. She ran off with me and took me away from my dad on purpose to get to him nandhurt him. She said that he would never see me again. And all of it was just so she could hurt my dad. It’s like she got pleasure out of that.
And my dad started realizing how she really was and wanted to divorce her and that’s why she ran off before my dad started realizing how she really was and wanted to divorce her. If you read above you’ll learn more. It’s just sad and crazy that she did all of that just so she could hurt somebody. That’s how wicked she is.

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Sydney

What is the best approach when a child is married to a toxic person?

We have a son who is married to a covert manipulating passive aggressive personality type. For all intents and purposes she will appear to be a nice person but NOT to us. We’ve backed off years ago and take whatever we get from our son but since our backing off makes it look like we don’t care then what? This is about self preservation in the feelings department.

She has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our place in the family is an after thought but if she makes a slight effort to the contrary depending on her objective then it’s us who looks bad. I’m of the mind that we have been inexcusably hurt and I refuse to be a hypocrite to her selective show of short lived kindness. Because my husband can look the other way he is described “as a really nice guy”. I silently carry enough resentment for the both of us and it’s not right. The disregard from her was so bad that a therapist told me that I needed permission to not care about including her in my life. That’s what I’ve done but in doing so our son has decided that our lackadaisical demeanour should be a reciprocated on his part so we have little interaction with him. Our feelings are fragile and even her name causes my mind to go to a negative place. We might see her once a year at Christmas when it’s not in conflict with her family gatherings. Once a year is plenty.

I’m sure she has bent the ear of her family about how much she’s tried but we are just not receptive to her wonderful kindness.

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Disavowed

Your posts about your DIL could havd been my posts. Even down to the denial of the spouse. As I sat on the porch telling my husband that I read a post resembling my ordeal, he refused to allow me to read it aloud. Or listen to it rather.

It wasn’t always this way, but I have two unlike your one. The second one noticed the first one’s shunning of us and decided it was in her best interest to feel the same, after all, our family unit was falling away

The story is complicated. The most recent pain was two days ago at the homecoming of their second son. My husband and I stayed with the 2 yr old, cooked, cleaned, took care of their sick pet, and did everything on her many lists.

I even pulled together a gift for her son to give her. All the while thinking I wanted to do what was never done for me.. Not trying to impress anyone… I had also planned on leaving when they came home to give them family time, I am not without social awareness..

What Happened next was a repeat of what happened when the older DIL brought her second child home. It was like I re entered the twilight zone. They made a big deal of their older son adjusting to the new baby. Her ill mother comes over, and she comments at how awful her daughter is to her and how my son has to put up with a lot… I had already known that but never verbalized it

When they come into the door they Sit the car seat in the floor and my son goes to another room, comes out asking me what the stuff on his backroom floor is… I had not been down there for 3 days, I did not know… Then his wife goes upstairs, baby still in doorway…. My son finally carries him upstairs…

I am waiting for my husband to get back to pick me up, we spend a few min looking at the baby, DILs Mom comes down to say her DD is crying cuz her nips hurt… That must have been my cue to combustibly explode or drive away with no car… Then my son disappears to put 2 yr old down for nap leaving me alone with 3 day old baby still in the car seat

I reach to take the baby out of car seat and her mom comes down to tell me she wants the baby.., i could tell by the look on her face that she knew I was being treated shabby… So I took him up the stairs due to her mothers frail condition… She said a few words so it would not be too obvious she was about to give me the big kick off… And it was clear she wanted me out so she could share that time with her mother… Which is not unusual and very understood… But it still did not stop me from being hurt…i would have hoped it could been memorable for everybody… I know about pistpartum depression, i went through a few weeks of it and did not have the support of good in laws… No drinking no smoking no druggin on this side and we are not religious fanatics

I headed back downstairs and sat alone till my husband canme. At which point my son appeared not saying a lot…

We left.. And I got shamed by my spouse for feeling hurt… I feel emotionally abused on so many levels… And cannot put myself into this grinder again…. I doubt I will have much of any relationship with them after this… You are so lucky no kids are involved with your son, the pain cuts deep

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Sydney

Disavowed,
I truly feel your pain and I’ve had countless nights tossing and turning trying to figure out the toxic people in my life. My DIL is no longer a concern. My boundaries speak louder than words.

I have literally shut down emotionally with them and nothing affects me anymore. It’s taken a long time to get here but for the sake of mental peace and physical wellness I had to find my way out of it.

I have read and researched and vented on sites like this so I wouldn’t feel alone. Toxic people love nice people and look upon us as prey. Do ONLY what you want to do. As far as your husband goes and his lack of support that’s a tough one. Nothing is worse then non-validation from the person you’d most expect it from. It eats away at your feelings for them. I visit another site as well, Dr. Simon’s manipulative-people.com. The amount of people in pain because of toxic behavior is unfathomable.
When there are babies involved such as grandchildren then the dynamics become even more emotionally complex but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your daughter is a mystery. All of this toxicity effects our self-esteem and makes us question our worth and when I started blaming myself I knew I needed to find help and I feel I have my old self back.

Lastly, I REFUSE to defend my feelings to anyone anymore and that includes my husband. I know what I’ve been through and I won’t rehash boundaries over and over again as if he’s never heard it before. I don’t talk to any other family about this either but I turn to a couple of friends I feel safe with and I turn to sites like this.

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Disavowed

I understand just what you are saying about the detach with love strategy. My husband is very slow and has been his whole life. I am just learning that it may have been a hidden learning disability despite being able to earn a good living.

He just cannot grasp situations where emotion is concerned. When he was younger, I never had to see this lack of support because I never had these issues

He expects to interact at least every two weeks and holidays. And I am always left sitting with her at some point trying to find common ground but she will start looking through her phone, neither my son or husband see that

My husband is getting worse with all areas of memory and cognition and still thinks I have no right to feel hurt

I want out of my marriage and have told him this for several years when the first DIL started being rude and sarcastic and he shamed me over that hurt

I have a double dose of pain and dysfunction here

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Sydney

Disavow,
I know exactly what you mean when you describe your DIL playing with her phone when you two are together. May I suggest you excuse yourself and leave the room, go to the bathroom, go outside, just do something. I look at this ploy as disrespect. I mean can people not interact even on a basic level anymore? Can a person not just simply ask US how we are doing? What our interests are? These interactions really do lead to relationships with some depth but with toxic people it really is all about them.

Can you afford counselling and make a plan to get out? It’s my opinion that once you feel some degree of independence you’d be able to look at everyone more objectively.

For myself I don’t feel the need to leave my marriage. I am confident we’ve found a common ground. As I said I will not defend my position again. If you don’t get the validation from your spouse then don’t involve him again when you’re hurt, it will only lead to another sting when he shames you for feeling the way you do.

Do you have a friend who can relate? Friends are the best stress relievers. I hope you continue here to get it all out. This site has really made my heart less heavy if that makes any sense. I was at my wits end but I have solid healthy relationships with a few good friends and that in itself spoke volumes about how valued I am contrary to what the toxic a-holes I’ve had in my life may think. I care about what you have to say.

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Disavowed

Sydney my husband seems mentally off to me in a cognitive way.. He keeps talking about a will that he would make for me leaving what I have to my kids and GK. The problem with that is no one knows how long they will live or what their needs will be… I cannot make him understand simple reasoning pertaining to this issue.. He finally said it was to prevent a man from scamming me out of his money…that he would leave me…

He sees me as a very stupid woman. And generally has a low opinion of women.

My husband is a huge control freak who manipulated me years ago when I had to get my children raised and do it with his paycheck so it happened and I knew it was happening… When my youngest was 15, I got what I thought was a permanent job however, started having a mysterious pain that 15 years later has shown up to be ankle related.. I had to quit my job

So you see what I mean by layers of stuff.. One thing that topples a plan can be devastating to the final plan…

I know where I made my mistakes now but its too late to correct those. I just want to move forward and have some happiness in my future…

I foresee a troubled future if my husband does not get medical diagnosis of why his cognition is so bad. I want to let a DIL problem consume but not really… I feel like I have no time for mean girl bully games, and want to pass on that stress but tell her thanks for sharing

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Imo

Young people these days do that all the time with their phones…..if she is uncomfortable….she might use the phone so she is not sitting there with nothing to say…..sounds like you are expecting her to bring out the red carpet because you are there…..it might just take time for a relationship to form…..

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Allergic2Toxics

People will tell you exactly who they are, if you just listen to them. Really listen. –It took me a long time to learn this, with many bad experiences with toxic people. But now the signs, sayings, tactics of toxic people are kinda obvious to me– huge red flags that repulse me. Unfortunately, some of my relatives are toxic and I choose to have no contact with them. You’d think this would be very sad, and it was for a very short while, as I adjusted. Its actually enormously liberating to not expose oneself to abusive, toxic people who will definitely repeatedly cause one pain! Woohoo! What I learned is that people will tell you exactly who they are, right in the begining. For example, my cousin (whom I didnt know very well) invited me to her place. I thought “Oh, how nice!” But then she was very controlling and kind of mean,definitely abusive. I then saw what looked like a large piece of diamond jewelry oddly sitting out on her bookcase, and started to ask her why she didnt wear it, and if she knew it was sitting there. I didnt get to even finish my question when she abruptly cut me off and made a shocking, very rude “joke”, saying that I probably wanted to steal the item. (!!?) Um…That’s definitely a toxic person. ….You cant change who people are. If they are not loving and supportive, find people who are!

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Britany

I totally feel ya. My birth mom is a toxic person. She is narcissistic and she needs help. She’s also has very bad OCD and wipes everything down with clorox wipes and bleach. She doesn’t get enough sleep and that effects it badly. See she left me when I was just starting fourth grade and now every time we get in a fight she’s like oh yeah you’re so mad about me leaving you but I thought for you for seven years. And that’s why I call her my birth mom because she wasn’t there for me my stepmom and dad were. She wasn’t my mother and she never will be. She always brings that up; she is such a manipulator and just like it said in the article she twist your words. And she’s a hoarder she hoards those little ball things you get out of those Little toy machines you pay for 50 cents. Just recently we were visiting family and she wanted to take all these bags on the plane and I grabbed the bag of the bed to look and she grabbed the bag and me. In the process my leg got cut on the metal part in the bed. And she says I manhandled her yeah right !!!! I didn’t even touch her she’s the one that grabbed me and made me hit my leg on the bed. She seriously needs on meds and that’s not even the worst part of it. She hoards all of these bags and carry some with her full of stuff because she over packs all the time and it’s embarrassing she has this duffel bags like this TJ Maxx bags Full of stuff he’ll carry like five of them with her everywhere field full and and with this Little girl backpack from Claire’s and she’s in her 40s. So embarrassing. Just the clothes she wears like seriously she still get perms that’s from the 80s. And she tries to control me by picking out clothes for me that she wants me to wear and I don’t like them. Her style is absolutely hideous. And she wants to get photos of me and my little brothers all the time.
One time I said ok you guys can wear that I’ll wear this white shirt and capris and sandals.
She said no that isn’t what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a certain look. She won’t leave it be, it’s her way or the highway. It’s so embarrassing! ?? One of my closest Friends mom asked if my mom wanted to come in thinking it was my stepmom and I told her it was my birth mom and my little brothers. She said oooh ok. I see. And another thing like an article my birth mom has no friends. The worst part is she think she has friends but she really doesn’t. Her “friends” don’t like her and to be honest I can’t blame them. Every time we get in an argument she tries to blame it on me and brings up the divorce and leaving me. She says that I’m not about that but really it’s nothing about that. It’s about her problems not mine I don’t even have a problem with that anymore because it turned out better in the long run. And if anybody out there knows how to help with narcissistic personality and OCD and hoarding and TOXIC Personality. PLEASE HELP. My grandmother is aware of this problem and says that one of us is going to end up getting hurt if it’s not fixed. I try to walk away but she keeps on ranting about what I’ve done that it’s my fault. That if I want to took the bag she went to had to grab it and I wouldn’t have cut my leg.

So PLEASE help if anybody knows anything. The worst part is I’m gonna be stuck with her for another month and a half.

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S.

Your mother has some problems, for reasons that are apparently not obvious to you, and your response to her is unkind. You should be more understanding and comforting to her. Try to help her.

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opez

Are you kidding? She “should” be more understanding & comfort her? She should try & help her?

Did your birth mother leave you at a young age?
She doesn’t have to anything of the sort if she doesn’t want to. Absolutely, it would be great to forgive her mother (not for her mother’s sake) but for her own peace of mind & inner strength. But to comfort her & be more understanding isn’t mandatory. Of course, the mother has major issues to leave her child at a young age. And yes to repair a relationship (if the daughter wants to) is something that she shouldn’t have to do. I wish everyone the best.

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Tonia A

Sweetheart,
You have not done anything wrong
At all not now not ever! This is a very sad and unfortunate situation for you. Your mother needs to be on medication appropriate to her disorder. NPD is unfortunately unfixable due to the fact that a person with NPD never will believe anything is wrong with them .That the problem is the rest of the world and they are perfect .
Everyone else is wrong or it’s always everyone elses fault not their own.It will not and can not go away.
So if in fact NPD is an absolute main disorder you believe or even know your birth Mom to have. This is my suggestion. And it’s going to seem cold but it is in fact the very best thing that can be done for you or you can do for yourself.
You must dismiss this person out of your life as much as possible and I’m not sure of your age but if you are still a minor, you should ask for help from your father and stepmother as well if needed. You deserve support and guidance in this matter and whomever you choose to help you to leave your birth mom they need to have your back completely be trustworthy to You and you might have them and you check into your legal rights to keep her out of your life until you choose or if you choose to have her be a part of it again on your terms only. There is alot more if you want to talk or just need someone to listen to you and how you feel that is not so close to y po ur situation they have great teen hotlines also your school counselors are supposed to be trained in guiding you to the right family therapists or psychiatric assistance if you want to stick by your mom and whether her behavior because she is your birth mom and that’s okay if you do but please know that you can and probably should accept help. From trusted family members and trained mental health experts where your mom is concerned and it could hurt to seek out good therapy on how she has mentally effected you this far so you can slowly and therapeutically work through the possible side effects of her toxic behavior over the years put upon you. Also know that you have nothing I mean nothing at all to feel obligated for or guilty of if you decide to have her shut out of your life completely right now. The most important person in this scenario is YOU not her. Always You! and YOUR happiness and security is ALWAYS the most important OF ALL be a kid as long as you are one and let the adults help allow for you to be by doing their part to help YOU.
Okay Kiddo You are a beautiful smart and caring good person and dont ket anyone make you feel or tell you otherwise Ever because it’s their insecurities and their problem not yours if you dont let them make it your okay kiddo. Good Luck stay strong and talk to someone whose trained outside the family as well as family members who want the best for you and accept that help if offered.
And remember to have be happy and live love and laugh completely you deserve n oi thing less than the very best life to live on your terms.

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Dawndi m

Dear S,
What is wrong with you? Brittany was asking for help! Not to be judged for her mothers bad behavior! In no way, shape or form should Brittany be responsible for her Narcissistic Mothers behavior!

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Linda F B

I agree.its sad in a way. because I don’t see them ever being close. they cant let go of the past. and I feel its her mom that is jealous that she had people that loved her.in some way people are miserable they want everyone around them to be miserable too. thanks to this article it hit the nail on the head. ive been in a similar situation

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Sharon

These points describe my husband almost to a T. He hurts but Hell will freeze over before he would apologize. He always defects on to me. I finally told him that I would ask our friends if I do what he claims & he said go ahead so I did. I talked with someone who knows us both & the response was no you aren’t like that at all. Ssne friends couldn’t comment in his behavior bc he never acts like this in front of others. Even our daughter said he “gaslighted me” & asked if we could just do things together without him because he always ruins it…ie my birthday. This broke my heart because they are so close. I haven’t told him about what she said yet & am wondering if I should. I have forgiven him countless times & I’m tired literally. I have no desire for him or to spend any time with him. He is a monster in my eyes. A sick person who will not get out of his own way. We have been to countless therapists & he always cuts it off bc I am honest in our sessions. I just don’t get it how a man can be so blessed with a wife & 2 awesome children & be so toxic. I want out but don’t have the means to support myself & I don’t believe in divorce. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Maria G

I feel for you. My daughter in law hurt herself then blamed me. My son has almost beat me for things she says about me. She won’t allow her children to visit me. My oldest grandaughter won’t talk to me. My daughter in law, one night her and my son visit me o guess so my son could scold me in from of her. God must have been watching me, for as she started saying how I hurt her arms I defended myself. And without coaxing her, she admitted she did it to herself. No apologies nothing. I did not told anyone except my husband. I did not want our family to hate her. But her hate on me is driving me mad. While you described your birth mom, I felt I knew her. I wish I could give some good advise. Being God feared I just don’t have it in me to do an eye for an eye type getting even. I hope God helps her see the light.

Reply
George

Beware be safe and protect the one in the mirror always
The one in the mirror is always number one. As for birthmother ,well a lot of actions are done for various reasons . All people vent in different ways . Talk to God and The Lord. Repeat the Lord’s Prayer and when it says forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Remember Your sins will be forgiven if you forgive those whose trespassed against you. Let the good lord make the hard decisions . Put your problems in his hands just always respect yourself and love others.

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Amber

My sister has every one of these and she has almost every symptom of someone who is planning to hurt or kill someone, but no one believes me. They turn it around on me or blame me.

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Kathie Hansen

My family has a habit of constantly commenting on everyone around them’s behavior. My abusive father’s favorite comment was “wipe that look off your face”.They even go so far as to infer emotions or thoughts from completely innocent actions.
I have learned to stick up for myself(after years) but now it’s happening to my grandchildren.
My sister makes comments about the the ‘looks on their faces’ and asks things and makes comments about everything they they do.
If they walk into the house while she is their and aren’t doing anything, she asks ‘why are they lurking around”?
She does not pick up on blatant feelings by others tho, as she is just mystified when I seem irritated at her when she does it.
I want them to grow up without people scrutinizing their behavior, or labeling it good or bad.She doesn’t quit doing it when I make comments that I don’t like it.
How can I get through to her? I ruly love her and we are both alone and getting old together, but I am getting more and more unhappy.

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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