Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

  2. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  3. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

  4. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  5. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  6. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  7. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  8. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

  9. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

  10. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  11. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.

2,531 Comments

Anna

Thank you for Your answer! I think I’ve learnt a lot about communicating my boundaries and drawing the line. And actually, my feelings have started to switch from sadness and helplesness to empowerment and independence. And I feel like that’s a good thing.

I can expect respect from others and I have a right to surround myself with people who feel safe. I don’t want to abandon anyone, but also cannot abandon myself and let people treat me badly. That’s the bottom line. It’s their business if they decide not to go with that.

How painful it has been, I feel like I’ve grown as a person. You really can’t help how people act and think, but You have a responsibility to work on Your own feelings and problems that might hinder good life.

I wish all the best for everyone who are struggling with these issues!

Reply
sam

I have met people that seems a little toxic, schizoid and narcicistic. all three in one. is this possibe

Reply
Lstone

Yes dear it’s possible I live with 1 and I’ll be damned if I allow anymore of his flip flop craziness control my vibrant spirit. I’ve got more to offer in a relationship then tears and apologies starting today out with the old in with the new This Woman’s Got Her Groove Back and heading home man or any person well I don’t manipulate or belittle or discourage me ever again head held high No Looking Back prayers and good luck to you all and you find your life keep your head up look for happiness cuz it’s out there.

Reply
Anna

Thank you for this article!

I’m writing from scandinavia, so I’m sorry for the misspellings that I might make. But would appreciate your opinion on something.

I have a difficult relationship with my sister. She is 13 years older than me (I’m 37) and recently things have gone bad. I got married last May and that really broke the back of our sisterhood. She had already reacted strongly when I got engaged a year before. She is single and I think she feels like i betrayed her by sort of living my own life. She got mad at me of just about everything. First I tried to talk to her about it. Tried to understand and find ways to reconcile.

Nothing has worked. I’ve realized that it has always been about her, what she needs and how she feels, what she wants. Even before my wedding. As a younger sister I haven’t had as much power in our family. I’m softer and try to please. She has strong opinions and a temper. I’m even a little bit afraid of her and her reactions. It’s like she wants me to be constantly in her use emotionally, to put her needs first. Creating a relationship with my husband and doing my own thing was breaking out of the box she has for me. She accepts me when something bad happens to me, but I don’t have a right for happiness.

So when my wedding got close she told me twice that she definitely doesn’t want to be the made of honor because it would be ridiculous to hand out some leaflets at the door. Then 2 weeks before the day she asked me what kind of a role she has in the wedding. I didn’t know what to think of it because I had then asked my friends to help me. But asked her to give us a speech at the reception. A couple of days from that she sent me a text saying she won’t be able tot do that cause “we aren’t that close anymore and she’s having a rough time”. I was hurt but responded that it’s ok. Since that she also left angry in the middle of my bachelorette party and trashed it in her fb status. She hasn’t called me, I have done all the work in our relationship for the last 6 to 9 months. And there are many more incidents like this. She is making it clear (in her actions and tone) that I’m to blame for something, she is entitled to behave as she has. She also cut her own 21 year old son for a year cause he didn’t keep in touch in the way she wanted. Now they are back in touch but I feel like she needs someone else to take the blame for her feelings and problems, so I’m it. Usually she just cuts her friends out when things get difficult.

Right now she hasn’t answered my text at all. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. What should I do? I love my sisters son and am afraid we all fall apart. What happens when HE has a wedding or something and we are both invited? How do you handle situations like that in the future?

Thanks for reading this, it helps to think that someone knows what I’m talking about. It’s difficult to even describe it because most of it is done in such a subtle way. And she can talk it all around, make it my fault.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Anna what you have described makes complete sense. The subtleties of toxic behaviour can make it really difficult to respond to. Here is an article that might help you https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. The sad thing is that you can’t change the things she does, but you can do things to help protect yourself and your other relationships (with your nephew). There is probably no point trying to get your sister to understand things from your side. Toxic people tend to twist anything you say so that it suits their argument and justifies the way they are treating you. What you can do is let her son know that you care about him and that he is important to you. Let him know that even though his mother and you have a difficult relationship at the moment, that you care about her too and that you hope it will become easier. For your nephew, the important thing will likely be knowing that you don’t expect him to take sides – that he can care about his mother and you, without being disloyal to either of you. I wish there was an easier or more definite solution to this. You sound like you would be a wonderful influence in your nephew’s life.

Reply
Marie

I’m the oldest of my 4 sisters and have a younger sister who I’ve been hanging with for many years, we are the only two sisters who live near each other and we share common interests and views on life. Reading this article describes her though. Fortunately I’m a strong person and happy. She lost her best friend over the exact same behaviors and does not have a clue. I don’t think her friend was as Teflon as I am. Here is an example from yesterday: my sister who lives out of state…her family is planning a milestone surprise party for her. It is going be held on a weekend when I will be out of town on a trip planned for ages with my husband. My sister in question told me about this knowing I’d be away. I said, oh I feel terrible I hate missing this, I wish it was any other weekend. I mean that’s just something people who are close say. To which she responded very subtly ‘you know people don’t make their plans around you.’ I was very very hurt. She’s knows I love my other sister and was genuinely crushed I couldn’t attend. So I asked her when do you think you’ll leave and does ( ) our other sister know. And all she said was ‘we’re going together.’ That’s it. So I responded, ‘ you guys will have a great time!’ Was this the right way to handle this? I mean she has many positive attributes but this stuff happens and reading your article made me say ‘hey, that’s my sis.’ Her husband is that way too. Two peas in a pod. My husband doesn’t like it at all but has kept a low profile for my sake.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Marie I think you have dealt with this beautifully. Toxic people will rarely own the things they do that are hurtful and often, attempts to discuss it will just get twisted into something else that has you as the one in the wrong. Your husband sounds like a gem, and I’m sure he knows how lucky he is to have you. Your sister is lucky to have you too, whether or not she realises it. Keep focusing on her good points, do what you need to protect yourself, and keep working not to take the things she does personally.

Reply
Kelly

I have met a lot of poisonous people, the last 9 months have been hell, There is toxic and poisonous, Toxic people shit on you, Poisonous want to rub it in, it doesn’t pay to be too nice, shit will be your only thanks!!!

Reply
Broken

… To be honest, there’s a lot that I want to say. I wish I had friends to talk to about the situation that’s happened to me in relation to a toxic person, but the ones I have left have taken a stance where they would not like to hear my side of the story, because they are also friends with the person and they don’t want to hear about anything that could be deemed gossip or negativity. Or worse, they’re closer friends to that person than they are with me, and thus there would be no point in talking to them.

The rest have heard only their side and without hesitation, have taken the toxic person’s side despite supposedly having been friends with both of us. No one has come to me to ask what my side of the story was.

There is so, so much to unpack here, but at least 8 of these points fit the person who has not only hurt me deeply over this, but also turned other friends against me. There is evidence that they have been telling others who know of me and sometimes interact with me bad things about me as well. Enough things to cause them to unfollow me from social sites. I wish I could just tell the whole story here, but because this is happening online in a community where there are fans, friends, followers and reputations at stake, I feel like I can’t even anonymously share the full story without it leading back to me.

I feel so trapped, that I have to hide my feelings and can only ever appear happy and positive to others. If I ever cry about it or am sad in general over it, or even put all the blame on myself anyways, I’m now the victim and am a terrible person for acting like a victim. If I tell my story, I’m the toxic person for proving that I have a gossiping/negativity problem, but if I don’t tell my story I’m still the bad one because everyone will only hear the other person’s side and believe it to be true and that everything is my fault. I have never felt this sad, damaged and alone in my entire life.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. One toxic person can do so much damage. I understand how painful this is. It sounds as though your friendship group has been made very fragile by this toxic person who has hurt you, but know that there are people in the world who would love to know you. Try not to let your feelings towards the toxic person colour your relationships with others. It is always very difficult for people who are outside to a situation to get involved, mainly because they can be given two versions of the same truth. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to be connected to you, just that they don’t want to be involved in having to choose sides. I wish you love and healing.

Reply
Pam

l’m in that place too and it’s not fun, but you can get through it. I’ve not had a soul to talk to for several months now, no one wants to hear my story or listen to me, no one. I felt for a long time that I was the only person on this planet that knew the truth, until I found this list. I’ve poured my guts out here and no one has told me to shut up yet. So use this place, and us, to talk to. I believe everything you say because my story is the same.
I have finally come to terms with my aloneness and I really feel that it is almost what I needed to finally accept the truth of my own predicament It somehow has given me the chance to really take a look at things and to think about why it is this way. And I am able to go deeper into my own self now, to look at why I let this go on for so long.
It’s not what most people say it is, it’s not because I am so nice or good, even though it seems that way at first. But there is one person I am not nice to, perhaps the most important person I know. And that is me. I don’t think I am very nice to me at all. Even my inner dialog goes something like this, “Oh Pam, you’re such an idiot, how did you manage to get yourself into this one? And what kind of fool are you to think this is okay?” I can’t even talk nicely to my own self, so how can I expect anyone else to respect me? I make my own choices in this life, so why did i make the choice to let this all go on?
I wouldn’t let anyone I loved go through this, or anyone I perceived being hurt. I wouldn’t stand by while my mother, or my child was put through this hell, so why do I think it’s okay? It’s just me after all, right? But then I think even deeper and I realize that I really have done nothing to anyone that would make this a payback, or just my karma catching up to me. This is not right, it is so wrong I can’t even say how badly wrong it is to think of yourself as such a lowlife that you don’t even feel you deserve better. SO, I’m working on it now, I’m catching myself when I start to put me down, or when i tart to feel I somehow had this coming. I am trying real hard to look in the mirror and show myself some love. We really don’t get love from the outside, it comes from inside, and that’s whefe happiness lies as well, it’s inside of us always, we just have to open up and look for it. We have to take care of the one inside of us and learn to love them and let them trust us. I am working on loving that little girl inside that no one else seemed to, and I am the adult now that promises that she will be taken care of. No one else can do that but me. And she has been let down and hurt for so long, it’s time to care for her. Not that jerk that only wants to hurt, he isn’t the deserving one, that little girl inside is the one that deserves to be loved unconditionally, not him. I’m going to make her life good, she will feel happy and carefree and safe one day, and I’m the one that can do it for her. But not if I sacrifice her to the jerk that is only waiting to hurt her again.

Reply
Pam

I love you all. I love you just the way you are. You are perfectly wonderful people and so willing to share your life and I consider you my family now and my friends, and I believe each and everyone of you. It is real what is happening and you are real too and deserve to find happiness. I believe you and i believe in you. You are the Salt of the Earth in my eyes. So there! 🙂 *hugs* to all of you, a hundred each day.

Reply
DementedRelatives

This is exactly what is being done to me! Except the Twisted it’s my entire family years ago I went through something so violent and terrible and when I was a child I went through something terrible as well and all people have told me is I knew better or they downplay how bad it has ruined my life or they downplay how hurt I am and then turn around and try to tell me how it made me feel instead of letting me actually say how I feel they think they can decide how I feel instead people like this are not worth your time are better off ignoring and it’s all the people around you are falling for their s*** and all honesty you should move on from every single one of those people I was in a situation like this and I cut the person off that was lying about me and I also cut off every single person they turned against me and that scared me so bad I’m scared to make friends with anyone anymore and I live everyday in my life alone because all my friends in my life have stabbed me in the back and now I’m dealing with my entire family stabbing me in the back I’m terrified of making new friends or trusting anybody my entire guard is fully up at all times because I’m always being bashed or picked on and if I stand up for myself everyone tries to make me look bad for playing victim when I’m not literally playing victim all I’m doing is standing up for myself

Reply
james

i dont know how to leave my toxic wife i just love her but she want me to leave the house what should i do

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

James I am not able to tell you what to do, but it sounds as though the answer is already inside you. If your relationship is toxic, and you both want to end it, there is your answer. Leaving any relationship isn’t easy, but staying in them sometimes can be worse in the long run. Be strong, and move forward.

Reply
Don K

Agree,100%,,, I’m dealing with what I thought was a friend, has turned vary toxic in a short time,,,, I have confronted him on this numerous times,,, yet it’s getting worse but yet with my competition I feel as if he needs a long sit down talk.in an attempt yet one more time,for him to change his Way’s, dought it’s worth it any more

Reply
Robert

The toxic will quickly sniff out a genuine and sensitive soul and set about exploiting that perceived weakness. This once empathetic soul has lost all faith in human nature and now behaves like a cornered viper.

Reply
Pam

and I agree as well, it’s like they are laying in wait, and if you get to feeling too good, you get zapped again. It brainwashes us to think that feeling good isn’t possible and we don’t deserve to feel that way even if it was. Watching now, and realizing what has been going on all these years, I am able to stand back a bit and really look at the patterns and what creates them. Happiness, feeling good, those are the things that are targeted the most. I think it will help all of us if we can learn the patterns and be ready for them. Then we can prepare for what is to come and choose not to allow it. It’s such a sneaky and ugly way to treat a person, but guess what? We are nearly as guilty as they are because we allow it, we give them permisson in a way to do as they will. We will still be there when the dust settles, there are no repercussions for what they do, and it works for them. But we all know that it isn’t because they are smarter than us, it’s because we are nicer than they are. I can only speak for myself here, but it has helped me immensely knowing that we are not alone in this, there are others going through the exact same thing and we can HELP each other.
When this stuff first starts up, we are completely unaware of what is going on and we fall into easily, almost helping them because we love them. We can’t hurt retaliate because we aren’t put together that way, and I know everytime I am criticized by him my back goes up and I start trying to defend myself, to prove that he is wrong and then later after things have calmed down I don’t so much remember what he says, but I feel rotten for how angry I got. I end up apologizing and feeling like maybe all those things are true, maybe I just don’t see it. We help them turn it all upside down until we start to believe that maybe we caused it all. So, they walk away almost laughing at us. They see us with disdain, we are just so easy.
I don’t know about you all, but I’m going to study this, I’m going to discover his patterns and I’m going to call on everything in me to STOP ALLOWING IT. We can do that, I know we can. And we don’t have to sink to that level to do it.
And although I know it won’t be easy, we can be prepared for them, and when it happens which it always does, we can stand up and take back our permission. It is something we gave them, we can certainly take it back. We can do that by refusing to engage with their accusations…we can do it with silence and gentleness, and put the ball back in their court for a change. I’m sure if we put our heads together we can help each other figure this out.
One thing we need to be aware of though, once they know we can’t be bullied anymore and their insults fall on deaf ears, they will be even more determined to cause hurt. It will get worse before it ever gets better, and more than likely, if we follow through, they will not need us anymore. They will be done with us…that’s where I am right now, and I believe a lot of you are there too. We found them out and we have in our how simple way said , NO MORE. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I know deep down inside of me that I don’t deserve this torture, and this pain. I am a good person, and I’m not going to let anyone try to change that in me, I like who I am, warts and all. I hope he does go, he is holding on so hard and is trying everything in the book to get to me. Sometimes he succeeds, but sometimes he doesn’t, and each time he doesn’t is a small victory for me. I’m learning and I know once I get through to the other side, I will have something good to offer this world even if it is just a happy smile on my face. So, lets work on this together, lets finally take our lives back, let’s be healthy and happy and start to find things to look forward to again. It’s a choice we can make, and for me, it’s time. I want to live happily ever after, and I will. Love to you all.

Reply
Alexa R

As someone who has 0 tolerance for psychotic behaviors and has no problems putting her foot down, I wish you were right. The problem nowadays is that toxic ppl will find you, drag a bunch of other toxic ppl into your life and together, they will harrass you to death while you’re not allowed to defend yourself bcz “murder is wrong” and “arming yourself is illegal” and “slander is only words so just ignore the violent psychos”, while they keep attracting more and more toxic ppl into your life until the toxic ppl become so many and so fired up that they are brave and bold enough to attack you. I have first-hand experience with this. It has cost me everything. What you’re saying can only be true where there is freedom to defend oneself and in cultures where ppl agree that boundaries are to be respected, which is not the case. From personal experience, I 100% disagree with you although principally, I 100% agree.

Reply
Caroline S.

@Alexa R, I know all too well what you speak of. A growing group of dumbasses try to do that to me. All because one man didn’t get sex for me that he felt entitled to and another woman was upset that somehow I attracted her piece of shit boyfriend when I had no interest in him because he’s an abusive piece of shit Who uses family money to try and convince people he’s worth their time. Having been around a very wealthy prior to meeting him he was so stereotypical it was pathetic. Works for daddy (check) dates golddiggers (check) thinks he is an artist because he can afford expensive equipment (check) thanks service jobs are beneath him (check) alters documents fraudulently for financial benefits or improved reputation (check) assaults women and spies on them using technology or paid persons (double check). Report everything no matter how repetitious it is no matter who calls you names no matter what pattern is movement in the pattern will show that you were vigilant about your safety and eventually they will have to answer for them pestering you all the time With their goal of intimidation.

Reply
Tchvubib

Only if you allow it. Once toxicity is understood…move forward and away. With practice, it becomes very easy to walk away.

Reply
Danielle r

I agree with everything you e said I’ve had it really bad I work and there were two women against one and when I got upsette and thought back she told the boss and I got into serious trouble but I didnt and couldn’t explain my actions because it was so ie harassing and so degrading because it was in front of everyone and I could of died.from Danielle that lives in wales

Reply
Rhonda

Absolutely the right mindset. Don’t flatter filth, Throw It Away. Stop questioning the truth when it comes to you! Because it is for your protection! You are a human being too– that “equally” deserves Equitable Distribution! PS. Some people are piranhas, it is there nature to suck the life out of You! Swim to Higher Ground and live against the current.

Reply
Amas

I just want out!!,I don’t want my niceness to be noticed at that….would this ever pass me by? Am fucking tired!! Why me…..I feel hate….not interested in talking about this kind of pple….and how they make me feel…..just don’t want to be attracted to them….how about?

Reply
Danielle r

Do you know what it’s really nice to talk to a human being that u dersta ds this thins so do I I’m really clever but I’m too scared to tell people leave me alone e.its not .y fat if you’re having a bad day everyone does. La.e yourself for you’re miss fortune es.dont include me I’ve got enough to deal with.get a life and pick on somebody of you’re own size bullies ha ha.

Reply
Janee

I absolutely LOVE the way you said this! Very well said! I hope you do not mind, but I’d like to share this with others I know and love. Especially my daughter.

Reply
Joy

I learn a lot, am in a relationship, I love my partner so much and I am loyal to him, but he is very intimidating, he has never apologies to me before, I always find myself apologizing to him, even when he is wrong, at any little misunderstanding, he will say it is over between us, I will have to beg him for days for him forgive to me even when he is always wrong most time. This is so frustrating to me

Reply
Mcki

You know, that’s something I really don’t understand.
I mean, I understand what it means: as long as I put up with it and let it happen, even though we argue like crazy idiots with no sense at all, I’m letting it happen. I know it’s emotional abuse as well as mental. It’s just too crazy for me to comprehend the words and actions!!

Reply
scott j

My wife of 13 plus years packed up and took everything down to the sheets off my bed and towels and wash cloths.wont answer a call.text .or email.she watched me hit the ground dying from a heart attack.didnt even bother to come back and check on me when the ambulance came screaming into the the yard.the neighbors told me they worked on me for 30 minutes b4 I came back.

Reply
o

I am also going through a tough shit, today. I am a intermittent counselor and was told in my interview that I will be given 2-4 days per week. After working for 3 months everyday, Yesterday I denied my supervisor that I will not do 2 hours of driving for only 5 hours , when she asked me to work for another person. I had my own decisions to make, I had a right to say No, and I did. after saying no, I felt bad and emailed my supervisor I will do it. She did not see my email soon enough, but she mentioned in supervision that I refused to workn in evenings as I only prefer to drive 2 hours for only 8 hours but not 5. One of my colleague who I have been seeing most of the time raising her eye brows with an intern, she said “who does she think she is, this is ridiculous”, she said that one I was not there. I consider both my supervisor and that colleague being so unprofessional just to connect with each other, trying to use me who was not even available there. How can you talk abut someone who is not even there, How dare you do this. All these questions are bugging in my mind, that I am working around so much unprofessional people and want to leave this job. But this is what they want, They don’t like me and they are trying their best to prove that I don’t deserve a good job, deserve to stand for myself. How dare she say a single word for me, that old bitch.

I shared this with my husband and he said this is ageism, because I am 30 and that colleague is more then 60, she perhaps don’t like young people because they make her look old.

I feel bad for her if tis is what she is displacing on me. but I cant change my age, she was once young too, I will pray for her to learn to appreciate her colleagues. I am going to give her a silent treatment. lol

Thank you for your post, That made me feel I am not alone.

Reply
doug

You are so right I asked her if she was hungry she said no. So when I ate my cereal she gave me a guilt trip about being rude and not offering her some.

Reply
Joyce T

I have chest pain once again,seeing that he has deliberately left his work lunch on the counter, because he will hold our fight from last night over my head for today. I weep for being a weak, stupid fool and am too ashamed to admit that ive caused his hate for me. I’ve been tortured since the affair came out last year. He is trying to make me crack. He didn’t like me calling him a pedophile for messing with my 16 year old sister while I was pregnant. That was years ago, but I snapped and screamed at him last night. I accused him of keeping his Tinder account active, which he denies. Says maybe he should activate it again because of what I said. I hate everyday that I wake up still breathing.

Reply
Mcki

You know, that’s something I really don’t understand.
I mean, I understand what it means: as long as I put up with it and let it happen, even though we argue like crazy idiots with no sense at all, I’m letting it happen. I know it’s emotional abuse as well as mental. It’s just too crazy for me to comprehend the words and actions!!

Reply
Annette

LEAVE THAT SORRY BASTARD AND YOUR UNDERAGE SISTER WAS WRONG AF TOO. BUT TRUST ME LUV. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE FOR LIVING OR GOD WOULDN’T HAVE WOKE YOU UP. FIND YOU THEN YOUR PURPOSE LEARN TO LOVE YOU AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU AND
GOD. GOOD LUCK HUNNI ??? BE ? HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU.

Reply
Aja

My current situation, it’s driving me crazy.. everything I read describes the person I’m involved with

Reply
Sam

I have just come out of one of these toxic relationships after almost a decade. I met this man a vivacious happy content grounded woman who her kids adored and felt close to. They were 8 at the time. Everything you mention he did and it destroyed me bit by bit to the point of having to have counselling and anti depressants. I have tried to leave since our son was born 7 years ago and couldn’t. I’m not a weak person at all but found that I literally couldn’t as I was pulled back in again and again. I started to rely on alcohol
more and more, I lost lots of my friends and my family distanced themselves from me. My eldest kids started to dislike who I was and hated this man. Our youngest child blamed me for the rows and has emotional issues as I have been so detatched. In short this man has absolutely ruined my life – until now. Now I am as free as I can be and I can build my life, my family and my soul one day at a time. I pray that everyone trusts their gut instincts when it comes to these kinds of people and walk away. I wish to god I did ten years ago. Xx

Reply
Janee

Not all, but a lot of what’s mentioned in this article is what I too am currently going through. Have been in this marriage for going on 9 years. I’ve also NEVER felt as angry as I have become over the years. And I do not like that fact, nor do I like some of the person I seem to have turned into. Sure I could blame it all on female issues, but not only is that not the case at all, it’s an excuse IMO.

I used to be a goofy, fun-loving woman (goofy when the occasion called for it. Serious at more important times, when/if needed). One with whom I feel many of my friends and loved ones actually enjoyed being around. I know that if I do not like the person I have become, no one else could possibly feel any different either. And these are things only I can change.

Reply
Gia R

Wow I’ve been dating someone off n on since November. First two months were perfect n then BAM this basically explains him n how we ended. To this day he’s never broke up with me not officially if I were to go see him he would pretend we were Great. No way psycho not after my past experience with an abusive liar! Don’t fall for it you will be the only one hurt

Reply
maureen

So thankful for the support here, trying so hard to move forward after blocking him.

Reply
Chris

This is so me and my situation with my soon to be ex-wife. When I finally got strong enough and healthy enough to have boundaries and her manipulation didn’t work, she decided to go. Thanks for sharing!

Reply
Janee

And these things can (over time) have a major adverse effect on our health. Sometimes, sadly, fatal. Which is all the more reason to get out and away as soon as possible. Another sad thing is, at times, it’s all easier said than done. Harder than most to be able to cut these detrimental ties. Some may even need more than just a nudge to motivate them to do so. So then, we realize we may need to find the help that is needed asap.

Reply
Angela

I’m glad you see. I knew this was happening to me by my boyfriend, but I didn’t know there was a term for.it. I was thinking borderline personality disorder. 3 years on and off relationship which failed “all because of me” I wish I could post the messages he’s sent me over the last month. I hadn’t heard from him for 5 months and bam, wanted to see me. Well you know what? I didn’t see him and after today, I hope I never see him. It’s this article textbook. Been so depressed for getting an abortion. Hard guilt on my conscious. Now I’m glad. He would have been a NIGHMARE to share a child with

Reply
Shellie

I feel so bad for you that you’re so nice and would fall prey to this person for so
long. Please be strong and love yourself; I know you will. Sometimes these people are very unhappy and they are taking it out on you, or they are bored, lost or troubled. If it is a true loved-one- like a family member- try to show them tough love but keep the door open for when they change, grow and learn. It does happen even though the article says it doesn’t.

Reply
Janee

Hi Shellie,

So you’re saying these kinds of people can actually change out of this type of lifestyle? If so, how? How do we use tough love in order to help this to happen?

Reply
Alyssia

Pam- That was such a heartbreaking, uplifting, encouraging, and depressing message you rolled in to one beautifully accurate comment. I have never left a comment on anything before in my life but I felt I had to today. Although it made me cry, you’re words have really moved me and I wanted to thank you.

Reply
Pam

For Alyssa and Others that read what I had to say. Do you know how good it feels to be validated? I am the one that thanks you, because you didn’t try to minimize what I was saying and you didn’t doubt me or look at me like I am crazy. You must have read the whole thing too! Wow, I am so grateful to have this place to come to, I think it’s what has kept me from going off the deep end or from doing something drastic either to me or to him. Believe me, those ugly thoughts have surfaced and I was getting very scared of them. I”ve been through depression before, but this was so far beyond that, I imagine you all know what I”m talking about.
And there are still times when I wonder if I could be wrong, that maybe somehow it’s me that is sick instead of him. I
And in a way I am sick and that is why it is so easy to feel that it could all be my fault and maybe he is right.
I”ve been doing a LOT of studying on this subject and what I have read about why this happens to people, makes me wonder. The only thing that convinces me that I”m not is because I don’t want to hurt anyone and I do my best to face up to my problems and I am not afraid to own my mistakes, and I can say I’m sorry and mean it. And I can see when I do hurt someone and I feel terrible when I do.
But the causes for the Narcissistic type personality are things I have suffered as well. So, what makes one person go one way and the other go just the opposite? I am beginning to believe that we are much closer to being alike than different in a lot of ways. As children we had the same kinds of trauma happen, we didn’t get the validation of love that every child needs, and we were used by our parents or others not as children should be used. Instead of love we were there to make them feel better about themselves and if we failed to do it exactly like expected we were denied the rewards we needed most. Love, unconditionally. They should have loved us no matter what, but they didn’t know how. I can only speak for myself here and I know how hard I tried to please my Mom and knew the guilt I felt and the uselessness I felt about myself when I couldn’t live up to what she wanted from me. It’s like she wanted me to be perfect so that she would look good, and as hard as I tried I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have a dad or any kind of male role model except a very sick brother. And I was expected to protect him as well. It’s like she tried to make me the grown up and the one responsible for the both of them and I tried. Maybe that’s where the empathy part comes in, because I was always watching for signs that the shit was about to hit the fan again and if I could catch it in time I could diffuse the situation sometimes and save myself and my brother from a lot of grief. The tirades, oh my God, it was unreal sometimes the things that would set her off. And if that happened, it would of course set my brother off too. And here I was, the youngest child, trying to stop an all out scene and stay as safe as I could while doing it. Those are the same sort of things that create the narcissism and I wonder sometimes if that’s why I didn’t think anything was amiss with my husband, it was normal to me and I learned to see the signals and it was just a continuation of my childhood. I would probably still be accepting all the behaviors and the guilt trips and the walking on eggshells to this day if he hadn’t done said the exact same thing my mother said to me one time. She told me I didn’t love her, blah blah, cuz if I did, I couldn’t act the way I did. And he said it so much like her, I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared dumbfounded at him. Sirens went off in my brain, and whistles and clanging and I stopped him right there. I told him I had heard that all my life from my mother and by God I wasn’t going to hear it from him or anyone else ever again. He shut his mouth and walked out and of course the silent treatment began, but I knew then I was in the same trap that I had gotten away from years ago and it wasn’t going to happen.
And that was the beginning of the end of my marriage, when I woke up and said NO. We stayed together a long time after that, but once he really got it through his head I wasn’t playing his game anymore, that is when he stopped liking me and then he had no more use for me.

And even this morning I was reading more information about it and thought hmm, maybe if I tried that he would come around. And I keep the dang hope alive in my head because I love the man. I can see his potential, and I know somewhere in there is just another lost child, just like I was and I want to help set him free. And then I realize I can’t do that for him and he isn’t willing to do it for himself and then my heart breaks all over again. And since he knows I see the real him now, I am the enemy in his eyes. I can’t change that either and it tears me up.
I wish I could be what he needs, but it isn’t going to happen. And the only thing I can do is try to finally let him go and of course I can ask God for a miracle. He does grant them sometimes. And so I wait until I have legal grounds to make him leave. One more month til the divorce if he doesn’t throw anymore wrenches in the gears. And if you have read all this babble, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. You people are my lifeline right now.

Reply
Madalina

How are things going on with this relationship, at this point, Pam?

Reply
Wake up

Im in the same position, reading this has given me hope , that my life isnt over…ive. Lived in this torture for 20 years…Im just now realizing I need to get away from it…and i can be happy again..so thank you.

Reply
Dawn

I relate.I live with a Toxic husband. One moment you love the person, next moment you wonder why you are still with tbem. I have a chronic illness that flares up every now and then. I get the silent treatment and unfounded accusations that I always explain and prove wrong yet get no apology. He will ask morning and evening how his nephew that we live with is feeling if the latter has a light headache but never asks me how I feel. He takes care of bills and everything in the home but I feel he is emotionally detached from me yet he has obsessive jealousy and always questions my movements, what time I finished work what time I arrived home etc I am emotionally drained. I have tried so hard and so long to keep this marriage afloat and am greatful that we brought up well bred kids. I am from a broken family myself and I should say I sacrificed a lot to prevent my kids going through a life without the other parent. Maybe I was a coward but I saw what divorce did to me and decided not to take my kids the same route. Am in my early 50s and I reckon the distance ahead is shorter than what I’ve been through so I’ll persevere to the end.

Reply
Preston Roman

Wake up tomorrow and plan on pleasing or displeasing noone. Dont worry about what he thinks she says or they who gives a shit. Just be you and to hell with the rest of em

Reply
Narcfree

Hi everyone
Your story really touched me Pam. I agree completely that the kind of behavior you described stems from childhood trauma. Both my now ex partner and I had similar negative experiences – the difference is I became a people pleaser and an extrovert, she the opposite -guarded and introverted. At first our relationship was a fairy tale. We bought land together and planned our future. She would text me that she missed me desperately even though I only worked 2 nights a werek. She wass very jealous, to the point of paranoia. At first I thought it was cute. Then the accusations and constant criticism began. I was accused of cheating with everyone, her friends, my friends, even a random jogger in the street who said hello! Then the cold treatment started. Constantly on the phone and receiveng texts at 2am in the morning. I didn’t question her. I knew too well how awful it feels to not have your partners trust. Sex and any intimacy became non-existent and the name calling and ignoring got worse. I repeatedly tried to get her to talk to me about her feelings but got stonewalled or just a one or two word answer. Texts were no longer long or chatty. It was always me sending them to her. I tried harder to make her happy. Sent huge bunches of flowers to her just because. Wrote her little love notes and left them where she youkd see them whenn she came hime for lunch. Had her favourite wine waiting and cooked meals and the house spotless when she finished work. I de-activated my Facebook to make her feell more secure.
Then last week when we were both getting ready for work she was cold and seemsd upset. I had felt like I was walking on egg shells for the past 4 months so didnt say anything to her. She left before me and her manner worried me so much that I sent her a text asking “are you ok babe, you seem upset over something. Am always here to talk too”. After 2 hours I got a text back saying ” All good” and not another word from her for the rest of the day. I got home before her to find the house dark and the dogs gone. I panicked and rang her twice but no answer. I text her asking where are you? The dogs are gone. I’m worried about you?”. All I got back was “, they are with me”. I sat anxious and upset for 3 hours until she came home. She went straight into the shower, made a cuppa and.when I asked her to talk to me she said she not talking because she’s tired and went straight to bed. I just sat in the lounge room feeling devastated and confused. Eventually I went to bed, and she turned the light off, rolled over and went to sleep without even a good night. The next morning she asked me to leave for a couple days because she had things to do. When I asked what things? She said she needed to clean the house??!!! On her own. I finally had enough and told her that her behaviour was unacceptable. She got very angry and swore at me and tod me to leave. I left and took my things back to my own home. I had moved in with her on her request. It was a very hard time for me because I’m a mature ate student and was in thee middle of exams, but I took my computer and left. I was so confused and angry and felt lost. Anyway, after 3 days she rang and said we need couples counseling. I agreed and said I would pay for it. I just wanted an answer to whatever the problem was. I wanted the beautiful person she had been at the start of our 18 month relationship. We have known eachh other for 5 years and she seemed very interested in having s relationship when we first met but I was with someone and am not a cheater so it didnt go anywhere then. Anyway, after 2 days of silence she sent a text saying she was coming to see me. I was happy and hopeful. When she came in she dumped me with the excuse that ” she will never be enough for me”….the old line “It’s not you, it’s me”. Then she said that she had seen a therapist on her own that day and that he had said that me sharing a house with my oldest friend of 38 years is not normal and she can’t be with someone who runs away after every argument. I pointed out that she told me to leave! It was like talking to a robot. I stood there and blubbered like a baby and told her how much I love her but she brought in my stuff that she had packed in the car, said it was over and left. Later that night she sent a text saying she would still like to be friends because she is friends with all her exes. Haven’t heard a word since. I am in shock and heartbroken. My whole future just vanished. Went from wonderful to cold and confusing then nothing. Then I found information on narcissism and reading others stories is like re-living my recent life. Anyway, sorry about rambling on. I just thought that anyone who is reading this and feels as bad as I do right now might like to know they are not alone. I wish you happiness and hope you can movee on and try to learn from your hellish experience. I know how hard it is to accept that once seemingly genuine and loving partner never cared for you and everything you thought you had wasn’t real. It is so much better to live your truth and hurt than live a fantasy. Good luck and God bless.

Reply
Kari

Hi Pam…… Wanted to touch base with you to see how you are doing? Your comment was so intense back in 2016. You were adamant about not letting people “treat us that way” and how we allow people to treat us in a manipulating manner. I am still studying on this unfortunate type of behavior and I wanted to share with you, we really don’t allow people to treat us that way. Unless your that type of person, you have no idea. Let me explain more clear, to understand better. Your a good honest, loyal friend. Right! You treat your friends all good and don’t steal from them. Right? So, when your friend come over to your house, they all treat you honest and loyal, right? Your friends wouldn’t steal from you either, right? Right? Now… did you have to second guess yourself? Pam, your not a thief, so you don’t expect your friend to be thieves. We naturally expect people to treat us how we treat them. Because we have good genuine hearts. We don’t know any better. We don’t know how to be manipulating and evil. Understand. Unfortunately, it’s a hard learning experience. Love & Peace to All

Reply
Latoya A

If I was someone else reading this, I would have thought it was coming from me. Omg wow !!! Yessss !!! My story, you couldn’t have said it any better. Every word, sentence, my experience, my pain, my struggles, my kind heart, strong love, weakness, and mean partner that I am trying to leave once again. Not because I want to, but need to. Thanks for sharing !! God bless you I pray your doing much better Pam

Reply
Jeremiah JD

I love this episode. So there’re people who also go through this same shit as I do. The funny thing is I’m a guy and my wife takes advantage of my immeasurable love for her to manipulate me and cause me deep pains. She’s quiet but highly toxic. Sees nothing good in whatever I do then it makes me try harder and harder without success. It has gotten to a point I feel alone and empty, I see myself doing the whole work and she does nothing in return. I hardly feed nor sleep and she cares less. I’m finished in fact.

Reply
CM

Right now i find myself in this situation. Im trying to hold back tears just typing this reply. I am a 40 year old male and i feel like im 9 cause i dont know what to do or say or how it would be received. I have had times where it was thrown back at me twisted and she is very good at articulating words . I find myself emotionally drained and tired but unable to just give up like i feel i want to. I feel although im in a abusive relationship. Its the thought of the replies that send fear into me at times. Do not get me wrong I love her more then I even let her know but i dont know what to do. Right now we are at it cause I talked to a family member that I trust and who was her best friend. This family member informed me of my gf past and how things she did then are kinda taking place now. This is ref to another guy whom my gf told me awhile ago have not seen in 15 years. However, as of late hes kinda been around par say in some locations. Which annoyed me casue how he approached my step son one day while we were out. Anyhow I came home and asked my gf are you talking to him via her oldest son. She said no I said i believe you. Now she say you dought me and broke my trust. im like I understand but was at a loss how asking a question did so much damage. So you all know i keep a small circle of people and only that family member that is like a sister to me cause we grew up together. Now i feel im torn between the woman I love but who do not trust me. And my family member sister who do not want us together now. Im so tired of all just emotionally tired of it…..

Reply
Viola

Pam,

I felt this way once. It was so confusing, I’d be so mad and ready with my argument to strike back and stand my ground asserting my right to have a say. All of a sudden he’s strike, right at what mattered the most to me. My self-esteem, making me question everything I did. Why was I so awful to get mad at him? Why did I all to upset him, how can I make his day easier?

It didn’t matter that I was pregnant and he just jumped on top of me pushing on my stomach. I just made him angry and I didn’t deserve to feel good. Why should I call the cops when I was in the wrong?

I followed his every command thinking the worst would happen if I tried to disobey him.

Now it’s been three years since we have been apart and I see now how poisoned my soil was. I still find it hard to let go of certain coping strategies I learned but with much time and some counseling I have remembered that I have self worth in this world and I have a right to stop my misery.

I hope that you have had the strength to leave, I hope that anyone in this kind of situation of being taken advantage of had the strength to leave. You have worth. Everybody has a story. What put muscle into your body strengthening your reasons to keep pushing forward, I think taking the steps to find that happiness you know you deserve should definitely be one. Do not allow misery to be your company. Be the inner you that you remember: Happy, strong, outgoing, and perceiver. Take your strength back.

Reply
Al

Your are exactly correct. Except we must realize, it’s NEVER going to change. There is absolutely nothing we can do about it. It’s taken me 10 years to realize this. They have no conscious. They’re different mentally and emotionally. They don’t care and never will, don’t let the act fool you… it’s sad that people are like this. I never new these types of people existed, the cold part is I had a boss for three years that was beyond sociopathic. I didn’t even realize I was getting tag teamed the whole time. They were the same yet different in there sociopathic behaviors. My boss was heartless and manipulative to his employees where as my girl made sure she was the sweetest person to any stranger or co worker… she’s a classic narcissist. He was more sociopath. I’m mentally and emotionally thrashed after had them two in my life….. I wish I had known about these people..

Reply
Lee Alderson

I’m in the same situation it’s so hurtful they are so cold harsh not one emotion in there body & think they do nothing wrong and think we have the problem yell at as for standing up for our selves then they walk away with all the power yip laughing. I’m left there all alone and so extremely sad & hurt & can’t understand why they want to hurt us with there cruel words. Very toxic. I don’t know how to get stronger that it doesn’t effect me. I definitely love him less & less everytime he does this to me Hopefully I can get strong enough to leave very soon. bless you all extremely hard to cope with. x

Reply
He stole myshine

I am sitting here now reading this, wiping away the tears I’m reading it some more I’m very alone and all this and it helped so much to hear this, read this I know I’m not the only one and it’s not all my fault. Mostly I know it’s not all my fault of course you know how it goes you’re mine. Questioning yourself

Reply
Marge

I’ve been living with his toxic withdrawal of emotion since year 3 of our marriage. The passion ceased first, and kissed turned into hen pecks. He complained I’m too independent, and I’m absolutely not…I’m all about taking turns. He stopped talking to me for days, except the necessary, so I can’t complain he doesn’t talk to me. 10 years later it continues. No kisses at all now, and no “I love you’s”. And never has he apologized for anything ever. I am so starved for love, I’ve gained a lot of weight. When I try to lose, he brings home donuts…until I started refusing to eat them. He’s cold only to me. He’s warm to his adult daughters. AfterI recently visited my son for 3 weeks (without him), he was kind for 2 weeks, and now it’s back to no talking, and no kindness. This is so toxic, I wonder if after he dies, I’ll ever be ME again.

Reply
Susan

Thank you for what u wrote it is sooo true n yes I am going through the same only thing I stayed way to long n now I am 66 I am used to being married n it hurts now not having any love in my life I know now that it was definitely a toxic man n not me. I have too many physical problems to work. I put a smile on everyday but in my heart I cry how do i move on

Reply
Sharon

Viola! Thank you….I am so grateful to have come across this page. This is what i’ve been going through for 16yrs and just realized that they’re the one with the problem this year. When I tell you that God has opened my eyes and allowed me to see this person for who they really were, please believe it. I finally got the nerve to one day say YOU WIN, game over!

Reply
Louise

Wow it’s like my life but through someone else, I can be so nice say something then he goes snap, he says I’m talking nasty to him when I’m not, he says I have an attitude when I clearly don’t, when I try to defend myself he stands there and says ‘look at you ‘look at your Gothenburg I walk away from him 😒

Reply
Lena

I can relate to that, S.! I went thru same with mine.. Plus, my bro.&sis-in law.. I mean, really all of them are this way.. And it was so so bad..
However, I made it & didnt “drown” only b/c I put my life in the hands of God.. He saved me, indeed!..

Reply
Jess

What did you do exactly to combat their toxicity? As of right now my Bro and Sis-in-law sip the same toxic kool aide my mom sips all living in my house. And me unfortunately being a nice person have allowed it especially from my mom because of the whole honor your mother and father thing. But my mom exhibits all these toxic qualities and Mu Bro and sis-in-law not only condone it but are also likeminded!

Reply
Jenny

Are you able to leave the environment? Unfortunately in these cases they will not change. You would have to find your own peace away from the toxicity. It takes therapy, alot of selfcare and putting yourself first.

Reply
Marge

Jenny, I know you are right. But, I’m having trouble getting my but out the door. I could join a group at the Community Center for fun, but … haven’t. Not sure if that is a sign of depression? I’m fighting sadness. I won’t take pills for that, bad for your body. I do need friends…everybody used to like me a lot.

Reply
Rachael

I can really relate to that because in my own life I have suffered at the hands of the ppl in my own family & from friends who I thought really were. I’ve been hurt so much by so many that I have no trust in ppl. I do blame myself, but when you have no one to go to because no one to trust then it’s a cycle over and over again. Nobody likes to live in a shell trying to stay protected, but it’s hard to find ppl who think like you do when it comes to caring. I think that I’ve given up on trying to figure ppl out.

Reply
Gina

Don’t let them win Robert or Rachel! That’s why they thrive with. Making sure you don’t believe or have hope! Be happy and do it for you! It will absolutely UPSET them in such a way that you will see it! It’s almost scary! ?

Reply
Cie

WoW ..women you said it all ..toxic people they are cut from a different fabric ..and they are like a big ass question mark with a big ass explaintion mark Like WTF
Throw those eggshells at his head . Fuck that walk like you know how to walk .ugh…

Reply
David

To Pam: I went through the same as you did with the sexes reversed. This is not a him or her thing. It’s not a lover or friend thing. It’s all of the above. What your dealing with is a person with a personality disorder. There are many that fit the bill. I found out I was co dependent and I spent my whole life thinking it meant I needed someone. Not exactly. It means you need someone to give yourself to. The man you were or are dating are the perfect matches for a co dependent at the beginning and the most toxic down the road. You are reaching to do what’s right and for help. I see your willing to take accountability and still fighting with letting him back in your life. I can tell you one thing. Your the real person in this situation. Your the right person. Better person. Be strong. Self reflect. Ask why you end up down the same road. And don’t try to help people who would rather lie all day, then be who they are. They live a sad life of pretending. They live a sad life of self image and will protect this mirage at all costs. They live a sad life so allow them to. Allow your self and good soul to be happy and remove these cowards from your life. . Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. Liars and Narcissists ect…. their goals are to break you down and make you feel bad about yourself. They do this instead of self reflecting. They are the cowards and the brave who try to “fix” them, pay the price. Trying once in this extreme is bravery. If you try twice it becomes stupidity.

Reply
Stu

Ive jadbsome very very heartless toxic people inlife over the my life over the last few years and I have learned a few valuable lessons from it. Never trust a heroin addict that has no job thats for sure. That means hes gotta do something to get high every day. Manipulate, deceive,, lie, steal amd al the while saying I love you baby. QUACK

Reply
Pulolo

I recently screwed up in my relationship during the last year, I thought that I was making things work, but after making mistakes so often, I made my couple explode. while reading this article, I realized that I fit in many of the traits that this post mentions, and this not only has happened with my couple, but with other friends of mine as well.

I want to change this and don’t know where to start, I’m already going to the psychologist, but only had the first sesion so far, I know this requires time and I will go to as many sessions as I need however, I want to go even further, my couple is giving me a second chance and I have a more responsibilities in my job, and I’ve had issues with co-workers because of my toxic attitude before, but I really want to become a better person, I want to be emotionally consistent and let myself love and be loved without criticizing or judging, just letting things be.

I’m still trying to fix things from the past that just aren’t relevant anymore, I stay behind and force others to stay at my pace instead of moving forward. Sure, I recognize I have a problem, but I just don’t how to begin changing it, many other times I’ve recognized my problems and solved them, but temporarily, I want things to change once and for all, people can be toxic, I’ve been toxic, but people can also change, and for the better, right?. I want to be better, to improve, to be better at my job, to make my couple happy, to help my family instead of submerging myself and others into my issues.

I feel extremely bad seeing that things have come to this point and I feel awful for criticizing someone that just wanted to love me, and I thought all along that falling in love past your 20s meant having a psychological problem, I thought that wanting to have sex so often was wrong, even though it’s the only person that I’ve had sex with and that spending so much time together was gonna make me bored, this is my first relationship at the age of 24. I could go on and on about this, but the point is that, while I do have fixed certain things in my life, I’ve always been bad at dealing with with problems, specially in a romantic relationship. But I’m just so tired of making the same mistakes over and over. I want to make things right, I don’t know how long this relationship is going to last, but at least I want to redeem myself and make things right, right as in not being the person that makes her sad, but the one not that brings joy, because she already has a nice life, but at least someone she can share her joy with, my couple has put so much effort into me and I don’t want all that effort to be in vain, I want things to be happy and simple, and I want to work for it. I’m sorry that I sound so desperate trying to find answers, I know this problem won’t fix itself in a matter of days, but at least I want to put effort in this, I want things to work, not to make her love me again, although I would want that,

Reply
Kelly W

me ex blames me for EVERYTHING after we broke up.m He flew off the handle he did something we thought he would NEVER do.. We are both separated and yes I agree he does have it harder than me you could technically say…. I miss and love him and he wanted me to come see him tonight but he calls me names and expects me still to come see him? I try and tell him I can’t if he is calling me names, but he continues too then threatens me if I don’t come see him. The last time he said he had to get even with me so he stole from me, I need help and so does he! I don’t know where to turn? Thank you for your helpful articles I don’t feel so alone. KW 9/15/19 God Bless every soul fighting for right!!!! xoxo Namaste

Reply
Ron

I agree.

At the moment I’m in a toxic relationship. I knew from the first time we met, things just didn’t feel right. We met through an online dating service. While chatting, things seemed good and after a short while we arranged to meet.

Because we lived 2 hours away from each other, I suggested she stay over night. I had a spare room and she agreed and we met.

From the beginning I felt queasy. I couldn’t understand this, but something just didn’t feel right within me.

That first night we actually had a disagreement about sex. She wanted sex and I was not ready. She grew upset and attacked me verbally stating I led her to believe we were going to sleep together that evening. I apologised and tried to explain my feelings, but she remained upset so I asked her to leave. Somehow, she not only stayed but we had sex. We’ve been together three years now.

As time progressed I agreed to move to her town, even though my life, my kids and career were in mine.

I agreed to stop commuting the 5hrs daily for work and seek work closer to home.

My children, whom I saw nearly every day, could only spend time with me on weekends now and they, too, had to travel far for this. My son has since refused to travel each week to see me because of the distance.

When I disagree with my partner, she immediately becomes defensive, talks over me and refuses to talk further and I’ve barely begun the conversation.

She critiques every thing about me from my past mistakes, even those I’ve made well before we met, to how I raise my kids, how I eat and how I socialise.

She blames me for everything wrong in her life, from her lack of friends, her weight and her unhappiness.

She compares me with her ex’s, criticises my past achievements, directs my movements and tries to control me.

I’m constantly on edge, constantly on guard and as a male only seek to correct the issue. I eventually bow down to her wishes only to hear her say, “why do you make me fight for things?”

She lures me in with favours and gifts only to hold them against me later. She states often that I never do anything for her and yet I do the majority of the cleaning, the cooking, I help her with her business needs, do nearly all the shopping and try my damnedest to make sure she’s happy.

She is emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive and even physically abusive on occasion. She has even told off my daughter and claimed she was rude to her only to tell me she really wasn’t.

I want to leave, but my finances will not permit it at the moment. The job I finally secured after moving here 2 years ago is only temporary and there’s nothing else at the moment. The drawbacks of living in a country town.

This is very hard on me as a man. It truly tests my mothers raising me to be a gentleman. I don’t like who I’ve become, don’t like the hole I hide in and really don’t like how I’ve become suspicious of everyone and a recluse.

I’ve read every book I can find on toxic relationships, narcissism, psychotics & sociopaths. I’ve enrolled in university to study psychology and counselling. I’ve been counselled about this and thank god my dearest childhood friend is available to me several times a day to vent.

I’ve tried talking to her family, they think I’m a loser. I’ve tried talking to her friends, she’s convinced them I’m the abuser and toxic. I suppose over time I, too, have grown toxic. I don’t know what I believe anymore.

I doubt myself constantly, have begun believing I’m the one who’s toxic and suffering from some or multiple forms of psychological issues. I’ve even considered suicide. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Reply
Pam

Hey Ron, Your story sounds very close to mine, and I can feel all of your hurt and confusion. I started to believe maybe he was right, maybe it was me that was so screwed up and I caused all the arguing and blaming and hurt. I think the only reason I decided I wasn’t was some of the stuff he accused me of was so ridiculous and so obviously not me, I finally started seeing him in a clearer light.
One piece of advice I might have, and believe me, I have only begun this journey of healing myself not too long ago. But the last few days have been so much easier. I started looking back in my life and trying to remember what I was like back then. I had so many dreams and ideas about life should be like, and I had a sense of adventure and loved to try new things. I felt like I could do anything almost. Mainly I knew that I wanted to be a good person and do my best to help others be happy. I smiled at people in the grocery store and made friends with senior citizens and loved kids. I had a crazy sort of life and it wasn’t always rosy and sweet, but I never thought in a million years I would end up like I have. I’ve become almost a shut in and all my friends have gone on because I just couldn’t do anything anymore. I have to force myself even to go to the grocery store for food. And I probably wouldn’t even do that if I didn’t have my cat and dog to feed. I can’t even remember the last time I went out to eat or to do anything for that matter. It’s bad enough my car has to be jumped before I can drive it sometimes because it sits there so long t he battery goes dead. I’m working on that, but like I said, the last few days I have had a change in my attitude and I honestly feel like I have come out of a deep dark, smelly and dank cave and now the sun is shining and clear and I am looking at this all in whole new way.
I realized that the person I remember is still in there, and she needs me to pull her up. And I do have choices in this life, and I choose not to wallow in that mudhole with him anymore. I am going to find my joy and my enthusiasm again, and I am choosing to live. And now when the tears come and I can’t make myself stop, I look for just one thing that i am grateful for, and then another, even if its just that I am alive today, or my dog loves me, there is always something. I didn’t bite all my fingernails off today, or the hot water heater is running well. Just anything that makes your heart a little lighter. And then I realize I have quit crying and I made that choice not to. Its like I was caught up in all the pain and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, every minute of everyday, I was miserable and sad. First thing is to take back your power, the things that make you proud of who you are. Make a conscious choice to stop what is hurting you. And find some simple little moments or objects or sounds, that you can be grateful for. It works, and it doesn’t take long to start feeling better about yourself, to want to live to see what’s going to happen tomorrow. Dying is permanent, and you need to spend your time remembering what you like about life or used to like. It’s still there, you simply have to look harder than you ever have. I know you are a good person and I know you have it in you to be happy, even if you don’t yet. And talk on here, it helped me and is helping me.

Reply
Ron

Thank you so much for sharing yor story with me and your beautiful courage to move beyond this nastiness into a happier, more beneficial place.
I have many moments I create each day, many habits, things I enjoy and have a wonderful support system of friends and family to draw from. I have no intention of allowing my light to be smothered by this drama and I will love unconditionally because that I can choose to.
My partner deserves love and happiness but I cannot remain there forever to provide this if the issues continue. I can only hope & pray she finds the peace she deserves.
All my love to you Pam.

Reply
Chris

Ron, Leave your toxic situation ASAP. Nothing is worth staying for. Close that door, open a new one. It’s that simple.

Reply
Pam

Why is it that we only want to love them? When they give nothing in return? Why do we think that’s okay? And why do we feel so obligated to help them be happy? When all they do is hurt us and intentionally to boot!
We all have this love to share and we are burning daylight wasting it on someone who doesn’t even want it. I know they are Gods children just as we are and they have so many troubles but all we do by staying is tell them it’s okay to be like they are. That isn’t helping them anymore than it does us. Why is it we study all the self help books and read anything we can to make it better for them, but when we try to show them what’s up, they just nod, never open a book, they don’t want to fix anything, they are living the lives that they CHOOSE to live. So, why do we stay? Is it fear? Because fear is something we are never far away from. Is it the chance that we may always be alone? Isn’t that better than what we have? Are we so lost that even negative attention is better than noe? Or do we honestly believe that giving them all of our love, unconditionally, is going to somehow help them? They hate it when we love them. They laugh at our weakness for wanting their love so bad, they feed off of our pain, why do we stay? Would we allow these same people to destroy someone we love? IF not, then why do we allow it to happen to us? Even help them do it at times.
And I wonder what it is like to wake up in the morning and be able to just roll over and go back to sleep instead of feeling I have to get up, I have to stay ahead of what’s coming. What would just one whole day feel like that you feel peace in your heart the whole day, without wondering what’s coming next? Just feeling grateful for the sunshine and the beauty around me, would it feel as wonderful as I remember? I feel like I’ve been in some kind of jail just accepting that this is how its always going to be. Even now with a divorce coming soon, he is still here, and I know that things are going to start to get tougher, and I wonder, will I just cave this time too? Or will I finally have to be the one that moves just to escape him. Give him my home and all that I have worked for knowing that I really have nowhere else to go, nor any money to do it? Is this really what our lives are suppose to be? Each day runs into the other, the pain is always there, either way I go I feel like the biggest loser. If I stay it will mean a lot more fear and pain, because he won’t leave without a fight. What it will be this time, who knows? He is not the person I thought he was and I have no true idea just what he is capable of. So even if he finally does leave, how long will I have to look over my shoulder? And will I ever feel safe? Ever?
This is the bravest I have ever been, and I know this isn’t the worst yet. I pray each day for strength to get through this, and to be able to not show my fear. So, to the ones that aren’t yet totally trapped, this is what you have to look forward to, get out before it gets this hard.

Reply
S.

Truth.

Our worlds have been shrunken to the size of peas and we have been manipulated to think that this hell is our inheritance. It is not.

You are beautiful. Each empathetic one, but you donot know your own beauty. The world is broad, wide. With enough for you at every turn to assist your decisions, but you donot know that.
Your ability to see was purposefully crippled.

DETACH. You must detach from them, you must. And see the universe as a place of assistance. Just make your intention. DECIDE that you are worthy. Step into it even if you are afraid.

You only have this 1 life.
Make it one you can be proud of.

Reply
rose

Been there. Dont be afraid anything is better than living in constant fear. Pretend you are not afraid when facing them even though you are. Take little steps to make the change.slowly and tell no one

Reply
Cat

I’m alone In This situation with my kids. Instay for them but I know tho is hurting them too. He will say things to them to make me look bad going as far as lying to our daughter telling her I wanted to abort her. He won’t leave and we have nowhere to go. We are financially hurt and he blames me but I make sure we get what we need off the little money we have. He’s hurt his thumb and collarbone and somehow it becomes my fault when I’m nowhere near when this happens. I got called fat on Christmas for the first time ever and he won’t help with gifts or wrap or even set up but gets mad saying I don’t include him. The past year has been worse, he’s been researching Masonic stuff and accusing us and friends of being involved and calls us liars but all his time is spent researching and he can not take his focus off of that. I’m at the point where I’m done dealing with his manipulative ways and ready to get out, I just don’t know how to do it, that next step is terrifying and I’ve kept this hidden so no one knows how bad it is. Just saying this outloud to people who are going through this too is a relief. Just need someone to talk to.

Reply
Any

Cat, HUD housing or low-income housing. Look into domestic violence shelters for woman and children but hide it well if he gets a wiff of any sign of you trying to leave things will get worse.

Sneak an emergency bag with things for your children and yourself for when you finally decide to go. Hide it a place that isn’t home ask a co-worker anything. Anyone. Let people know you are in a domestic violence relationship seek counseling. Call a crisis line. Make documents of everything, write details take pictures, record interactions and most importantly write the date and time things occur. Record for yourself and others if worst comes to worst.

Reply
Laurie

To Pam:
The words you write are similar to mine when I wrote in my diary. That was years ago and I left him. I wished I had sooner. Be brave. Take the leap. Protect yourself and start over. You will thank yourself later. Don’t look back, either. I am alone and although I am very lonely at times, I am not miserable and trapped in a toxic relationship.

Reply
Renee

Thank you Angel for your incredible motivation. Your story gives me hope. Maybe someday I’ll be in your place. Moving forward, happy, free. I hope that for everyone that is going thru this.

Reply
Kathleen Nelson

Ron,

I had a similar relationship. I read self help books, went to counseling, went to alanon, apologized, even when I didn’t even realize I did anything wrong. Than I read “Why does he do that” by Lundi Bancroft. (He could be she). I thought I must be part of the problem or “the problem” if I listened to what my husband told me. Please don’t buy into it. When you learn what’s really going on, control, manipulation, brainwashing, you will start to understand your feelings and learn how to get out and protect yourself. It’s NOT a mutual problem, your reacting to her abuse. A counselor who really understands domestic violence can help you. The key is Domestic Violence and all the tactics they use to keep you under their control.

Reply
Ron

I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to shake this gnawing feeling that it’s me and not her. I really want to right this.

Reply
MB

Sure sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. They are Destroyers. RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Reply
michelle

I sometimes wonder why others
Find it so easy .to enter a relationship with no true intent
To enjoy there life .with there partners. Whats the point of being with any one if you really. Dont know what you truely want
Why ruin that persons chances. To a real relationship. With no drama..thats why every one is so afraid..of relatiships every one eventually ends up with a wall.between happiness and. True love
Sorry thats just how i feel
Sorry just saying

Reply
Rachael

Year’s ago I was in a very abusive relationship. I put myself through hell with this man for many years. If it weren’t for two of my closest friend’s, I would have been in a bigger mess. Finally realized why I ended up with someone like that & it had a lot to do with the way I was raised by my mother. She mentally & physically abused me growing up and I was brainwashed to believe that this was what I deserved. Toke so long for me to figure thing’s out and got away from him. No one deserve’s to be treated so badly. Put your children first-#1

Reply
Dimitri

Ron get out of the relationship NOW. Find a freind or family member to live with. You will find a new job, a new life and a loving partner.

She will never change. NEVER. Just imagine one of your children in a relationship like yours…….what would you tell them?

I have just ended a 4 year relationship and am starting over. Knowing I am not perfect but I could not see a future with any happiness. Just fear of not pleasing her.

I feel for you.

Reply
Tammie O

Hi I know the feeling it’s so sad. What are we gaining by loving someone who doesn’t even love themselves. I’ve been cheated on, beat, sexually assaulted, and so on. I’m losing me to let him shine even though he doesn’t have anything but darkness. I pay all the bills, I buy everything. He’s never bought me anything and always makes promises that are a lie. The only promise he kept was sticking his dick in someone else. I’m on the verge of self destruction and feeling like the only way out is suicide. My whole life has been traumatizing. It seems you can beat a dead horse.

Reply
Joanne

The toxicity certainly causes a reaction of withdrawal in my behaviour too. But I am struggling with the amount of people in my family I can’t please. My mother, my ex husband (12 years plus) my very adult children and now my younger son’s girlfriend.
Surely this many people mean it must be me? Do other readers have multiples in their close family?

Reply
Ron

I generally don’t have multiple toxic people in my life. One is more than enough. Other potential toxic people I run across are easier to deal with because I don’t have to deal with them daily nor do they have my emotional involvement.

Reply
Trb512

Joanna, in a way it is you. I’m sorry to say some people were raised to try and please everyone( I think a misinterpretation of be nice or love everyone)

You can be nice &love & still make everyone mad or upset and that’s their problem NOT YOURS.

You did your job by loving & acting good to them.

Your an adult and so are your kids….are they trying to please you? Why are you trying to please mom, when you yourself are a mom????

Your even adding to the list of family with those not even blood related …an ex, the sons girlfriend?

If the kids are grown the most wonderful thing about an ex is he’s an ex….as in used to be in my life but is not anymore,bye bye….

I’m a simple person, I do nice things for people, give constantly of time money emotions…I love and do what I wish others would do for me. If that doesn’t please them. They can kiss my adult butt and go be pleased , and loved, and shown kindness by someone who’s better than I am at pleasing.

My life, my choices of boyfriends, where or how I live, what I like to do, those are parts of my life .

They aren’t mine and mom’s, or mine and ex’s or mine and kids or the cute little girlfriend that thinks shes smart… They are mine and mine only and I pay for my mistakes and enjoy my success….NO ONE ELSE.

No one could pay me enough to miss time in my life to please these people.

I’m Christian so if loving them as I love myself isn’t enough then tough crap cause it’s good enough for my God.

According to the Bible your not supposed to be pleasing the girlfriend your suppose to be teaching her to be a good wife.

My son’s girlfriend lives at my house. When she asked if I’m cooking dinner I say yes in a little bit (if I’m busy) if she bugs me too often I say nicely” you can if your that hungry” and she gets the idea..

I’ve told her to be serious and straighten up or remain a twit…cause I’m teaching her stuff and I hate repeating( but I do) I’m also very nice. But my house,my rules ….if she’s not please I’m sorry.

If no one’s pleased I’m sorry but I guess I missed the day they had a crown placed on their heads that made them more important than I am ……

That’s the only event that makes pleasing others a choice I should think about. Because without a crown ….why is it them and not me being pleased.

I never ask that from people cause I won’t try to give it.

My boyfriend is working on breaking that same thing after 40+ years an ulcer, anxiety, panic attacks , and high blood pressure….

It’s almost ruined us cause I wouldn’t bow down to a dang one of them.

I told him the only one who runs my life and I try to please is God and if married my husband.

My goodness it would be easier to never sin than please the people you listed, just because there are many. One God and maybe a husband. That’s all and more than enough to please.

Plus your not doing them favors. You spreading yourself thin, and not giving your best to anyone. That’s why you have to limit the number.

I’ll give you another choice…take care of your mom if you can’t stand not to and don’t have a husband……and tell everyone else like kids , girlfriends that in your family kids try to take care of the older generation and your doing for your mom …it will be their turn soon with you. Then their kids can help them..

Notice I said help, not please…..the kids need a life and a busy one so they have their hands full , pleasing their selves.

Btw my boyfriend told his mom no more pleasing and she got pissed cause she loved ordering his life. We learned when she’s not calling to check if he pleases her…his stomach doesn’t hurt…..humm?

Please get so help if you keep feeling like you must please them… because yes there can be THAT many because you marry people your comfortable with and they usually have much in common with a parent ..

Then we have kids that grow up around our parents and our parents influences in us…..so they date and marry someone similar to you or the dad .

So yes it is very possible, really I’d say probable to have those people look to you to please them.

What you need is help that can talk to you..get to know the family and give an outside opinion.

If everyone was saying you are a red head when your a blonde you’d ask an outsider….NOT give in to being called carrot top…lol! You get someone who’s a professional and give a true answer.

Hope that helped. You sound sweet but really under everyones thumb.
Be sweet and please yourself. Many blessings

Reply
David kandel

To Joanne: Toxic people can share blood and DNA with you. I’ve found my true family does not. They share with me what I give to others. Loyalty. Compassion. Love. That’s all that family really is but blood can always hurt you if you let them. We are programmed to love them and feel obligated even if they hurt us over and over. After it’s happened to me for years, I simply found this to be a stupid program and spoke my mind to the fullest. I no longer expect a response but still willing to keep a door open. Toxic people are unhappy. They live sad lives. Always trying to remember so many lies is a very busy and non productive life. If you possess self reflection, remorse, compassion then just pity these sad souls. We all make mistakes. I have and I will. I’m human. It’s we deal with our mistakes that separates us. Toxic people will lie and create so much drama and judgement, to no end. People will address the mistake and own it and try to make a change. Whatever label we put on people, I have found we all lie for the same reasons. Shame. Self shame. Simply not proud so we make up a story. At the end of it all it’s usually as simple as wether we can live with ourselves or not. Liars or toxic people can’t. The rest can. I pity those who can’t be themselves, for this short temporary time on earth. We call life. I have no love for those who try to tell all on their death bed. They had a lifetime to do so. They are simply scared of what’s next and in my eyes, are the same selfish cowards, they always were. Just saying 🙂

Reply
Jean du Ross

That’s such a sad statement, Robert. I hope you learn who to distrust, and who you can trust, so you can find some faith in the good humans, again. There are a few.

Reply
Tara

I just happened to come across this article. Recently, a “friend” decided to break ties with me for good.

I had met her a few years ago when I went to her for personal training. My mom and sister went before I did. She is married with two children, but we would hang out on occasion (we did THREE times–movies, wine festival, and my sister’s bachelorette party). I recently went to her daughter’s play back in October and everything was fine. She had mentioned to me that I was the ONLY one out of her friends (she has a ton on Facebook) that showed up. I showed up because-one, I had never seen her daughter act, two, it was something to do, and three, I was being supportive.

Well, she had been coming to my house to train me privately. I noticed one day that she mentioned about not coming anymore, but she said that we could still hang out on occasion.

A couple of weeks ago I had invited her and two other friends to go hang out for my birthday. She said she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go out to lunch in the next few days to celebrate. Well, this is where the trouble started.

The day before we were scheduled to hang out, she calls me up and tells me that we should take a break. I was extremely upset about this and was quite emotional on the phone.

The next morning, I got a text from her saying that she prayed about her decision and decided to break the friendship off for good. She told me that she was extremely sad about her decision (which I do not believe one bit. I believe if she was sad about it, she would want to make it work). She told me to not to contact her anymore. I was very crushed and pleaded with her not to do this and that we could work stuff out. She was not having it. She made up her mind. After this, I had some choice words for her that I now regret and want to apologize, but she told me not to contact her anymore.

She had told me that I made her extremely uncomfortable. She never gave me a reason for this. I still am trying to wrap my brain around what she meant. I guess I will never find an answer.

I talked to another friend about this and she told me I didn’t do anything wrong. My friend told me that it was not my fault. Yes, I said some hurtful things to her, and I feel guilty for them now and want to apologize, but I guess I can’t now because she doesn’t want to be contacted.

Reply
jennifer lewis

I agree never thought I would experience such malice when I’ve only shown care

Reply
Rachael

Seem’s these days to be more of them at work too. They will stab you in the back first chance they get. Our society is so screwed up.

Reply
Jennifer

I feel the same way- from being in a toxic relationship where I was being gaslighted as well.

Reply
Ron

I’ve been on my guard for so long that I cannot remember when I wasn’t. I’m so devastated and worn that for me death would be 10 levels higher than where I am and YET, I stay… I ponder.. I look intently at myself and behaviour in an attempt to change it. Why??

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Relationships become habits, and like the strongest of all habits, they can be beyond difficult to break – but not impossible. It is difficult to believe that there could be a happier version of you and your life waiting for you on the other side of a toxic relationship but there will be. You deserve to be happy. When you have been in an unhealthy relationship for a long time, it becomes the reality – the only reality you believe, but there is so much more for you. If you have looked at yourself and your behaviour, and if you have fought hard for the relationship and you are still miserable, you know clearly how your relationship plays out for you. Your growth is in doing something brave and life-giving for you, and taking a different direction to the one you have been moving in. Everything you need to do this is in you – it really is. You deserve to be happy.

Reply
Ron

Thank you Karen.. I know only I can break the cycle. This, for me will not be easy, but it must be done if I and my daughter have any hope of a happy and fulfilling life.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’re right Ron, it won’t be easy but if the relationship is a harmful one, letting go is so important. You can do this. It will be such an important legacy for your daughter. The lessons she will learn about letting go of harmful relationships and harmful people will hold her strong as she learns in her own life how to navigate the world and the people in it. I wish you both all the very best.

Reply
Stepmom

Yes… I can very much appreciate the information in this column as well as the comments. As it has been stated a happy-go-lucky person can quickly be infected by the gross habits of nasty toxic bullying people. If you want once were happy-go-lucky , Carefree, taking delight, every day person to be suddenly finding yourself living with an absolute Beast looking over your right shoulder throughout the day, I can understand. In fact I’m mentally and physically exhausted from having a two-hour battle last evening going through exactly what this article is talking about. Word by word line by line every bit of it is truth. I wish I would have read this a long time ago but the healing can begin today.now there is hope.

Reply
DementedRelatives

Literally my entire family does this to me and they all flip the script I have even been to a professional about this I even told them about how I snapped and what I said that I felt was wrong and they even told me that maybe I’m not doing anything wrong maybe my entire family is just a bunch of assholes I literally don’t know what to do every single person in my family does this to me on a daily basis and if I try to stand up for myself they run around lying on me and for some reason everyone believes it even when the lies are proven to not be true I’m about to lose my mind I live in a household where logic is illogical and being a logical is the only way to fit in and if you’re not a liar then that means your snobby and think you’re better than everybody just because you’re proud of yourself for being loyal and you don’t even go around bragging about it you literally only mentioned it a couple of times because the situation was brought up

Reply
Gale

I been taking care of the cats for my ex and there was literally nothing I wouldn’t do for her and her boys I even bought her son a used car because his motor blew up on his and I sent her a text message I saying I was off wk and that I had gone to a meeting and that one of the cats was sick and then she later on texted me back telling me about her day and then ask me how was work? and never said nothing about the cat that was sick. Indicating to me that she never even read my text message which made me feel like a damn fool for wasting my time on someone who doesn’t even make time to read my text messages and this isn’t the first time I have got my feelings hurt because she didn’t read my text messages. This time I got so mad I cursed her out and then she flipped the script and said she wasn’t going to argue with me that she had it read the text speed reading it because she was at wk I told her this made me feel unimportant that she can’t pause for a moment and read my text messages made me feel stupid for texting her in the first place being what all I had mentioned she never replied too I was so angry I told her to go to hell and to never contact me again that I can not stand a liar. I blocked her on my phone. I am wondering now if was I being to harsh? Or did I just remove a toxic person out of my life?

Reply
SUmmer

So so true. I was so upset about quitting a toxic friendship, and felt guilty. Everyone I talked to about this told me how sweet i was and saw straight into my heart, but the ‘friend’ who’s been around for 10 + years always exposes some awful perception of me and has no idea how I truly feel. This particular argument started because I invited her and her sister to a ballgame- covered tickets, a voucher for free drinks and gave her the info for free parking… somehow I’m ‘running the show’ and requiring her to show up. And proceeded to scream at me and cuss me out at a company event, where I could’ve looked bad to my coworkers. That’s definitely a b*tch move. I don’t know what I’ll do without all that negativity now. Hmmm… perhaps I’ll enjoy my life.

Reply
Dianne

I live with someone who is all of these things. This article was so spot on I’d think you were watching my life. I plan to be out of it by the end of Aug.

Reply
Donna H

Yes. And I too am that cornered viper waiting to bite the next person. I go to AA and have found a lot of toxic people. I have 2 years sober now but wish I could quit that group forever.

Reply
Ashton C

Im curre tlt in a relationship where my partner displays some of these habits.He constantly blames me for things that I either had nothing to do with or was out of my hands.He also constantly says i should leave him and why am I still with him.It hurts me alot because I love him and when he is kind and sweet its amazing.but recently he basically said you couldnt wait to be single but then followed saying he cherishes our time together but what we have is going to end soon and i dont choose to believe it will happen.It makes.me.so.anxious and stressed to the point that I cant sleep and this is a frequent thing he says.He also never likes anything I suggesy or say but gets mad when I dont say or suggest anything.What should I do?

Reply
J

I feel so helpless!
My wife refuses to deal with legitimate complaints and take responsibility. She will frustrate me till I am yelling, then say “See? the problem is you!”
Lately, she has been telling me the problem is my childhood, and that she found the treatment and the problem, and that I refuse to deal with it.
I have a great deal of confrontational stress in my job (I am a union steward) yet it rarely even gets loud let alone yelling. Nowhere else in my life is there yelling, except her.
No one believes me.

Reply
Helen W

My husbands Mother died last year, On January this year my Husband told me he hated me because I did not like his mother. We have been married 37years and his mum give me a bad time of it when my children were young, she would say ” I can see through your cloths “,or give me dirty looks he never stud by me. So when she died he seem to turn odd to wards me. He would say a woman in his work was nicer than I would ever be and then started to talk to some woman when he walked the dogs. The other night he was all dressed up and was sitting watching the clock. Well when it was 9 oclock he said “O I have to pop out”, and got up and took the dogs and left he was gone along time. He says he is not seeing anyone but y is he acting like he this. One day a month ago I went with him and this woman started talking and smiling he just stud there and not said anything to her and then she walked away. He is putting us all through hell my two sons are upset and one of my sons has stop talking to me saying it is all my doing I do not know what to do about all this I told him I was putting in for a divorce and he was all right about that is that what he wants.

Reply
Anonymous

My situation is interesting. I am living in a foreign country as an au pair, and I believe my host parents are toxic. To make a series of long stories short, they are hypocrites,

For example; my au pair mother talked to me like I was a child and tried to humiliate me because my room smelled bad after I forgot my used gym wear inside, instead of throwing it in the laundry room. Usually my room is totally clean. Meanwhile Their room upstairs is a total sh*t sty.

They are insulting and it is ALWAYS their way or no way whatsoever. My host father insulted the way I acted and told me I was a bad influence on the kids (not trying to toot my own horn but I am Canadian born and raised with strong etiquette and moral values so you can get perspective. I also volunteer with young scout children because kids have a natural fondness of me). He then proceeded to imply there was something wrong with the way my MOTHER raised me. I beg your pardon but that is wildly inappropriate to say. The whole argument (not really an argument because I was trying to be diplomatic while he screamed at me) was sparked because I had my sister over for a week and since she is diabetic and was suffering from Jetlag opted to go upstairs and sleep instead of introducing herself after he arrived home from a business trip. We weren’t even aware he arrived back home.

After I confronted them about the whole situation and I was continuously interrupted and told what I had to say was invalid. They later “agreed” to a “compromise” which was essentially only a different list of rules that I had no say in *insert laughing emoji face*. How is it called a compromise when the other party had no say in the deal? Craziness.

They also tried to blame my offence on “the language barrier”, which is also shit. No real apology, only a suggestion that maybe I misunderstood. My host father speaks almost fluent English, hence his business job, and my host mother has English which is more than sufficient for communication purposes.

They are completely controlling. They need to know when, where, what, and with whom I do anything with. Some of it is necessary in a family setting of course but the way the whole situation of control is enforced is totally unnerving. I feel really as though they are the royalty who sit upon a throne and I should beckon and bow to them.

I could really go on and write a ten page essay but I believe the reader gets the gist. You are of course shaking your head and asking “why doesn’t this girl go back to Canada!?” That’s where the story becomes a positive one. I love the country I’m in (Germany) I have more friends than I’ve ever had, and a boyfriend who I love to bits who’s family has taken me in unquestioningly and always makes me utterly welcome. I also am learning the language and want to stay here to study.

Although, I must say it has taken a toll on my mental health, and I feel like I must rely on my boyfriend for a safe place, which is tough because I’m independent in nature.

However, I continue to keep faith because I believe I am meant to stay in Germany in the long run. I kind of look at the situation as the hard work needed for a fruitful future. Because nothing good comes without a little fight right? I also know exactly how I will NOT raise my future kids. Or treat other humans in general. I think what we all can take from our experiences with toxic people, is that they make us really recognize the people who are worth surrounding ourselves with, and most importantly, who we want to be as people.

Reply
Lance B

I’m a man of 35 that lives with my mother and main reason behind that is i have mild aspergers and i’m pretty lazy but I’m going off topic here.

My issue is even when i do help out my family i feel like i’m getting in the way and when i try and explain myself i have to explain more than once which irritates me and even when i say please don’t make me repeat myself they keep adding more drama until i snap which isn’t good as i have a 3 month old niece living with us and i find it difficult to contain my anger due to the drama that keeps being piled up now i’m not saying i’m mr goody goody but i feel like i can’t even defend myself without getting shut down or being told don’t take that tone with me and i just go upstairs and stay out of the way as whenever i’m around i feel like a spare part (useless) so i stay away from people as I feel like I don’t fit in properly however whenever i’m on my own i feel more at ease, now i love my family dearly but i just don’t want all the drama as it really stresses me out and i don’t need it.

if anyone has advise i’d happily take it.

Reply
CHRISTINE W

Hi, you sound like my son. He has an autistic spectrum disorder and is very short tempered and expects to be treated the same as when he was a child, but he’s an adult. The key is to take the initiative, do jobs before your asked. Empty the bin, wash up etc, cook a meal , then you can just disappear when you’ve had enough and no one will mind but they will remember how good you’ve been.
Works every time. Also, when asked to do something, do it straight away then disappear, no one will bother you if there are no outstanding jobs. Good luck.

Reply
asksr

I stayed with my mom for my entire life and 3 years ago I left. With her I wanted to kill myself millions of times and the same way had to repeat myself again and again but she would never really understand and even wouldn’t listen! She humiliated me so much, would tell me I’m a loser who always with bunch of problems. I hated it and left home with a little bit savings, but without any college degree or real working experience. I survived and I have a degree now, just graduated and I was working as a bar tender for years. It’s not you! it’s them making u a lazy person, you feel like you can’t achieve anything or can’t be a hard worker, I mean being lazy isn’t a shame, but all u need to do is pay ur own rent and feed urself so that you don’t have to defend urself against ur own parents everyday. Leaving them definitely will ease ur life and you will find out that you would love them more than now..

Reply
Sara

Iam dealing with a father that calls me a loser ,fat makes fun of the way i look says things to hurt me and bring up the past like iam his worst daughter, and i cant deal with it no more i`am so depressed that i don`t feel like doing anything anymore. My father did buy me a condo to live in but when ever i see him he criticizes me. My parents are divorced and my mom is an alcoholic and in a wheel chair with mental problems and when i try to talk to her all she ever talks about is my dad and his new wife like she wishes she can get my father back. She dosen`t say that but, i know shes suffering and wants things to go back when we were kids. My older sister dosen`t want anything to do with me cause shes busy with her married life so really i dont have no one to talk to. Iam trying to get through school to get a career its just hard when your alone and you have no support. They say there tired of helping me but basically there tired of there life and have to take it out on me. I barely get by with money to feed my self sometimes i have no food in the fridge and my dad is a multi millionare and my step sister gets a condo in vancover and two cars designer clothing. Its really unfair my step mom hates me dosent even say hi to me around family functions i just dont know what to do i cant move out which i would love to do but moneys tight. I just want to run away sometimes but i cant.

Reply
Caren

I just wanted to say hi to you. 😊 Hi. Stay strong. Sometimes family just sucks. I went through a deep depression. Got a lil too close with a plan to commit suicide. No more plan but boy family can “f&@k” us up.lol. We just have to, not understand, but accept sometimes people are a lil messed up for some weird reason. It’s usually not even about us. But feeling sad for a relative, once we realise they might just be a lil…off, hurts too. But it’s not us. Or our fault. Be proud of yourself. You are way stronger than you think
Something you can probably thank your dad for lol
What the heck, right? Oh and forgive. I hear that does wonders for us. Everyone actually.

Reply
Pearce

My experience has been that in forgiving toxic people, they get away with their toxicity. It’s like giving them more bullets because they missed you the first time.

Reply
Spring

I am married and feel my husband manipulates me to get his way about various things. We are seeing a marriage counselor who suggested I stop using the word “manipulates” and use “manipulate” in its place. Which confuses me because essentially mean the same thing but are different tenses of the word.

I found this article because I was looking for the difference between the two words. The word “Toxic” caught my eye and I wanted to see what the article would suggest for dealing with such people .

In the beginning of the article I felt I related to what was written, then I began to think my counselor (personal) have discussed the same suggestions for me to take and just over the half way mark in the article I began to think the article does describes me as being “toxic”.

The more I read I was envisioning how my husband would say everything is this way between us because of me. A tug of war started in my head and now I am curious if anyone else may have experienced what I have from reading this article.

If you have, I would like to hear how managed through this type feeling.

Reply
Lee

To me it sounds like you just found it that your husband was right and when you actually saw the things you were actually doing. I think it hit home because you didnt maybe realize you were doing the things he was saying you were then snap yes that me I am like that. It made you think. You should go hug your husband and tell him ” you know you e been thinking about what he said and I think you may be right and talk about it and now that you see it maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and live happily everafter.

Reply
Tulee

I have a boyfriend and in the past he treated me with great care and love, but if he does not like something, he will blame me until I fall mentally ill and it will take at least two days to resolve and recover, but if I do something wrong again He reminds me of things that have happened before and tells me that I should do only what he wants me to do and that I should be traditional and behave in accordance with the culture. He always says that he only works by word of mouth and makes fun of me, as a result I have become accustomed to taking revenge on him and taking even the slightest change in him and scolding him, I try to be nice to him. Even when I remember how he hurt me before, I act like a poisonous person in front of him, this is a mental anguish and should I give up this relationship?

Reply
Ramona L

Wow, your ability to reflect and recognize is impressive. To recognize and admit things that are rather nasty about yourself is an incredibly admirable.

Reply
Nicole Q

I’ve been in a nasty toxic marriage for 7 years. I’ve read a lot. Talked to a lot of counselors, marriage therapist, you name it. Most often, toxic people are narcissistic. If you’re not familiar with that, please look it up. They don’t admit to being wrong, they, much like the point of reflecting, make you feel like you’re the one….(fill in the blank). Toxic and/or narcissistic people get the frills out of getting their target to break. And when you do, they say, see, look you’re bat-$h!+ crazy, not me! You reflected, let’s just start there. I think you need a new counselor and please learn more. If it is you that is truly the toxic party, now you know, but the chances you replied and publicly posted you saw these traits in yourself tell me otherwise. If you haven’t already, find your way out of your toxic relationship. Learn what the red flags are in order to avoid them in the future. Also work through therapy to learn and understand what it is about your experiences that might have drawn you in, if this is a repetitive situation in your life. Otherwise it’s likely you were sought out because of your stability. I wish you all the best.

Reply
Jodi

Hi Lance,
Sounds like a real tough situation. Making room for everyone in the family to contribute can actually be a pretty difficult thing, especially if people are already established in a pattern and connect their own self worth with the things they do at home. Believe it or not, coming in and trying to help may actually cause them to feel threatened by a potential loss of control more than anything. I know now that when I try to make dinner for the family, my mom feels worthless and rejected and ends up in huge fight, especially if anyone around the table comments on how good the food it. Sigh. People carry so much hurt in their lives, it seems to come out the most to those living close around us.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like you don’t matter. I truly hope you can find how immensely valuable you are as a human being just by being you, without attaching your self worth to anything else. I’m still trying to too. Some days are better than others. I hope you have more good days than bad. Thanks for sharing your story. Take care!

Reply
Rachel

Hi Lance, can I be frank? You need to move out of there. You need to find whatever supports you can in your area and get someone professional to advocate for you and either go into shared accommodation with others living with similar disabilities or pull your socks up and go it alone.
From what you have written I can tell you are not daft , and although I did laugh about the laziness I know from experience this can be a huge hurdle to move past.
Once you do decide to leave the laziness aside and pick up your phone, your laptop, your tablet, whatever device is at hand and type in ‘ support for people living with Aspergers’ ( I think you said ) , you won’t get to see how rewarding your life can be !
I’m not saying it’s an easy step, no way, leaving the‘comfort zone’ , even one that sounds as uncomfortable as yours will be difficult… but then you got to ask yourself ‘what have I got to loose’?
You sound unhappy with your life as it is now so how about dipping your toe in some different waters ( with some expert advice and recommendations from groups that have a good name behind them) to see what is out there for you.
35 – you’re still a baby… plenty of good times to be had if you are brave enough to take the first steps ?
Good luck Lance.

Reply
Brandon A H

Hey Rachel, about your comment to Lance, I just want to say you are totally right about his needing to get out of there and out of his comfort zone. However it can be so much more complicated than that sometimes. What if the family members he is living with need his help and he is actually of more use than he realizes? He obviously loves his family, and so perhaps would not want to abandon them. If that’s the case, I would say he is incredibly brave and has already stepped out of his comfort zone. It’s a very tough situation to be in and can’t be fixed by simply saying get out and be tough is all I’m saying

Reply
Ogie

Hi, I can understand what you are going true,I have been through that farce before.The only advice I have for u is to remind urself of who you are and what you want and find possible ways to achieve them, picture your life the way you want it to be and work towards it.Stop seeking to impress those around u,there is always a way through every turnel even if it seems hard it is still possible if you are determined.you can’t change the people around you but you can provide a comfortable life for urself,even if it means you have to stay away from them or hide ur plans from them,get a job,do the things that makes you happy because nobody is born happy but we have the power to create happiness. Remember that ur life does not affect you alone but also ur offspring and you don’t want them to face what you are facing now then u have to make a move and take charge of ur life don’t let circumstances kill d you inside of you.There may be ups and downs and you might even get it wrong at some point but don’t give up think about the positive side,set ur goals and get them baby don’t allow ur fears worries or looks to limit you.

Reply
Mark

My non toxic friend accuses me
of almost all of these things. I kept laughing while reading through because I saw a direct interpretation of me.

Reply
Diana

You said, “Pretty lazy and you know it!” To me this means inconsiderate totally and self centred.

This is sooooo relevant in my opinion. How hard that must be for your Mum.

You are how old? You are a man, yes?

We mothers can usually tolerate such a life of “ doing for others” over many years until the load becomes so overwhelming, thats when the tiger decides enough is enough.

Whose house, whose rules?

“ When you do help out!”
You are helping out as often as possible, yes? Does that mean when you FEEL like it?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, thinking only of yourself and get off your arse and do whats right.

Reply
Jason

I know nobody likes to believe this, but the father has a very good point. But it’s not the communications difficulty (real or implied), as much as it is the cultural differences.

As an au pair, you are presumably young, and have little experience (until now) in dealing with the fact that different cultures have different experiences…and expectations. While you should not have to suffer indignities, you should expect differences which can make for misunderstandings and unexpected ramifications….some of which can be unpleasant.

It is not uncommon in German culture, that expectations of “lower class” (real or implied) persons (particularly females) is that they are treated more like servants than as guests or family (something that is not common in North America). The result of this: often times, women as guests or even as family members, are treated like servants to some men, particularly older ones.

That mentality actually contributed to the Nazi culture, but it also predates it….and it is more common across much of Europe (and even most of humanity) as you go back in time.

But that’s no excuse for the lack of respect you are receiving in your situation. In fact, you are a guest in those people’s home. It does fall on you to make an effort to try to understand them, yet it also falls on them to try to make an effort to understand you, if you are an invited guest (despite the implications of an “au pair” having a form of servitude).

Remember, in their eyes, your role as an au pair isn’t the same as a family members’, yet they feel a responsibility for you, as well as believing you to be responsible for protecting their image to their acquaintances.

While I don’t ascribe to the whole “toxic” argument put forth by the author of the article, I will submit that the host parents in your situation might need to improve their way of interacting with you. But you do need to make an effort to try to listen without interrupting and then asking them to do the same for you.

Present your arguments. Try to be reasonable. And try to see the situation through their eyes while also trying to show them your situation through your own eyes…all the while acknowledging that there are cultural differences and that all parties would do well to sit back and try to consider those differences from an unbiased point of view (neither German NOR Canadian).

Good luck with your situation. And remember, the host parents are the “adults” (your age (unknown) notwithstanding) and they are entrusting you with their interests in their home. So you must be prepared to make some concessions despite a desire to maintain your own independence.

One more thing. If you can demonstrate both an ability to respect and protect their interests, while not compromising your own moralities in the process (not to imply that the host parents are in any way amoral), you might be able to convince them to respect your independence and have more trust with you in their home.

Reply
Laura M

Hi I just have a toxic step mom who don’t ever try to see her grandkids she is always a heavy sigh when we go there like gives me a cold shoulder like I did say bad things to her down the rd but are u suppose to forgive and forget like what’s her problem

Reply
Jayy d

This was a great read. You’re a great author by the way! I enjoyed it most because it was your actual life experiences. I want to thank you for taking the time to write and share what you did, we all can read and perceive different experiences in each others lives. Knowledge is very powerful. I admire how you didn’t not hold back and gave a realistic feel the entire way you made it very clear of the frequencies that were felt during you experience. The scenario you were going through taught things that are sometimes difficult for people to accept. You’re time, effort and writing is very appreciated from a nineteen year old young lady down in San Antonio, Texas! Embrace all experience always and please continue to share you’re knowledge with the world. We are capable of advancing to an unimaginable existence, I believe. We can do that by sharing our experiences, as you have created a marvelous example. As each and everyone of us is perceiving differently, we will evolve as one.

Reply
ANONYMOUS

Wow, this is incredibly inspirational. keep fighting girl, you’re definitely stronger than you think. I pray God continues to protect you. i went through a similar situation but i’m back to my hometown now.
i must say, the bad experiences i had there really molded me and thought me a lot, i have to say i’m really grateful for the hard times i went through because they help me appreciate the good times. Just don’t give up on your dreams. You’re absolutely right, nothing good in this life comes easy. Good luck and be strong.
Thank you for sharing you’re amazing story.

Reply
Clara

Hi. I have been with this guy going on 6 years. He works 3rd shift and I work 1st shift. He usually sleeps all day and I’m by myself most of the time, he makes no effort to get up and spend time together. When he does get up, he is constantly getting on me about little things. Tonight he got on me and said geez this concrete cat isn’t painted. I said hmm grass sure does look good. He got mad and said I can mow the grass for now on. I said oh it’s ok for you to get on me, but I can’t get on you? Then he said oh you want to bump your gums go ahead do it. I love him, but honestly it’s getting old. I’ve read your article and he fits the bill as being toxic. Alot of times I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore.

Reply
Bert C

Yep, just like myself, I knew a long time ago that water seeks it’s own level. But, others messed me up, my mind, then dumped off in a toxic environment.
Which it’s better to move on, at least when you’re young, and you’ll find your place. Which I do have my church, where I love the people there. And I belong, but always having had crime directed at me while I was gone really messed me up further. You can’t soar with eagles when you’re flying with turkeys.
Which it’s way too late to have my life now, but I did 10 years doing without, investing money and paying off debts so I could leave, then very much like a cult, jackasses laid in on me and messed me up bad. For many many years. If anyone else can learn from this, I should have snuck out of town without telling anyone.
But if you’re around toxic people, if you can, relocate.
Like me, I am a sincere Christian, but Orthodox. Those around me, they seem to be very much heathens. I don’t hate them, but they’re not my people either.
Which change your lifestyle, start a new life elsewhere or you’re in for a long life of dread.

Reply
Rachel

You can’t blame others for the decisions or choices you’ve made.
No one forces your mind to do the wrong thing, many people face horrible acts and are forced to deal with disgraceful behaviour but it’s up to you to decide on how you are going to react to this.
If you’re smart enough you can look at the whole picture- some are lucky enough to be able to see it all holistically.
That’s the best way to move forward and away from those only interested in dragging you down.
Think about it, they drag you down so that they can feel better about themselves- that’s just sick !
Rise above it, sure it’s tough but that’s why you have your church and it’s people ( whom my not ALL be your kind of folk but maybe there’s one , just one , who has the same pov as you?)

Reply
Mia

I understand what you are saying by “ looking at the bigger picture” but it’s easier said than done when you are being emotionally abused by someone you love. It takes time to reach that level of self awareness and find clarity from within yourself. Only others who have suffered the same kind of neglect and abuse can really relate and understand each other without judging you for being a burn vulnerable or different. It’s easy to sit there and tell people how to be when you have not been affected in that way.

Reply
ImmortalTopaz72

Perfectly written & genuinely honest insight into toxicity from those u love. Unfortunately, I can give 100’s of examples for each of the 12 toxic person indicators explained in the above article.
As u stated, unless someone has lived & suffered from the words & actions of a toxic, manipulating, dictating & demoralising person…they do not see without judgemental & blame on some level to the 1 who has suffered. The only judgement anyone is privileged to make on ur personal situation is u…
It takes a great inner strength, determination & restoration of ur soul to b able to see past the rose coloured lenses of love. To see the damage done & to finally see the complete toxicity in the person u have loved unconditionally standing before u. Once ur eyes, heart, soul & mind can see beyond the exterior to the inner ‘unhealthy mindset’ of 1 who u loved… U know ur freedom awaits & slowly begin to see ur true self re emerge…. Full of hope, joy & contentment & confidence

Reply
James B

It’s good practice for future experiences, especially when you begin to work with toxic people. But it’s important to know your own boundaries and where you draw your red line. Many exchanges can move you to a new family when things aren’t working out. You’d be amazed how many stories are out there whether it’s the student or the host family. Don’t let a bad experience weigh you down and certainly don’t carry it with you in the future. Remember that bad experiences can often shape your perspective and make you a better person. Fellow Canadian.

Reply
Ingrid

Find another job move on, you deserve to live a happy independent life, and grasp every opportunity without anyone being abusive to you. I suppose you feel it for the kids,but at the moment concentrate in your needs.The best of luck.xx

Reply
Hazel

Hey there! I was also raised not in the best way possible. But your situation is still way different than me. In my case, although there aren’t many issues as such, my family makes me feel like a burden sometimes and that I’m stupid and useless. Also, they make me feel guilty for literally everything that is NOT my fault (what an irony).
But I just wanted to let you know that you do have a very positive outlook even after your family issues. I wonder how you are able to still be grateful and acknowledge the good things in your life (I’m inspired, honestly). And it kinda feels better when you connect to people through some kind of emotion or in a particular situation.What you said in the last sentence though…about some events in your life shaping you into who you are and telling you in a way how to treat people, that really hit me. I feel the exact same way!! And hey! you’re doing great. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. sorry for the late reply but I just saw this blog today itself. Have a good day ahead and keep on shining like a star…!

Reply
Lib

Maybe you need to find work there, and move out on your own? I’m not sure your age, but I think at 16 in the US you can work. And you can be emancipated to live on your own.

Reply
karen

You must find another family to stay with for your mental health and for this family as well. If you cannot then you need to accept them. Period. This is the ethical choice .

Reply
Janet

Wow…..you said it!!
For starters, good for you for not letting other ppl , nomatter who they are, distract you from your purpose! Always remember that! Whenever someone or something has you hitting a tough spot just remember what your purpose is and what your fighting for!!!

Nobody has the ability to cause you to lose your dreams or plans unless you let them. Dont let these so called parents make you lose your focus. Let their nonsense roll off of you like “water off a duck’s back”

Stay focused…..stay strong….and good luck to you my fellow strong Canadian!!!

Reply
GiGi

Wow – Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel compelled to leave you a comment. You sound incredibly bright, you know their behavior is not acceptable or even normal and you have a positive outlook to get through your situation. Your mother has raised an exceptional human being, from what I can tell, just by reading your perspective on the situation. These two adults sound extremely unhealthy, verbally and mentally abusive, and very much like they are grooming you. Trying to break you down with negative comments about yourself, your mother, your sister is very alarming. It sounds like they hate your independence and are trying to break you down so you will need them which somehow feeds into whatever twisted need they are trying to fulfill. I’m sure this us extremely challenging and of course your mental health is suffering. Yes, hard work and hard situations definitley teach us life long lessons. Being abused and living in this abusive environment is not worth risking your mental health and possible life changing effects this abuse might have on you. You don’t even know how much mental abuse is hurting you until you are far away from the situation. I hope you are able to get away from this situation as soon as possible and this host family is reported for every negative degrading insulting abusive word they say to you. I would keep a journal and honestly I would record any interactions for your own protection. The situation sounds like it will jeep escalating and you have to be very careful. I would not be surprised if the house was full of cameras. I feel terrible for you and their children. Risking your mental health is not worth it. Trauma can occur in seconds, one event, one word, one experience or over weeks, a month, two months – and years for you to heal from it or for it to even appear when you keadt expect it. Don’t let anyone abuse you for their weak insecure pathetic enjoyment. Wishing you the very best!

Reply
Youngest

What I cannot wrap my mind around are family members who do smear campaigns against you and even get law enforcement involved and then when they see you they say, ‘ why – what’s wrong?’
Like I am supposed to ignore every hateful thing they said or done? When dealing with them it’s like they are blaming me for what they have done. Accusing me of lying when they are the ones who made up crazy stuff. Now they are wanting to isolate me from the rest of the family ( and my family is against this totally) Am I right to not want to interact with these people?

Reply
Gislaine

Yes you are right sit down with them and tell them what you are uncomfortable with .
If I was you I will start looking for an Other Family who will appreciate who I am and respect me and my life . No you don’t have to say everything of your life as long as you tell them the essentials. I will ask my boyfriend and his family to intervene .
Good luck

Reply
Judy

Hard sometimes to understand I have a. Heart of gold for all peoples but so many many misconcieved people have turned a deaf ear to my emotional pain I do believe some want to help but simply cannot but I do know lord do care an personally everyone knows I will come our in top a far better more experienced person than before so I guess as we all know law people take. Care of their own so it’s just sad sad that life’s that way but as I said I will not only come out on top but a far better person having been through all this

Reply
Experienced hateful behavior

Anyone who would position themselves to be a wrecking ball in your life should be avoided: friend, family or foe. You know in your heart the truth and honest. If it were misunderstandings then that is hurt feelings and not malice. If malice is involved avoid those folks if at all possible.

Reply
Pam

Y up, me again, I just have to vent again and I hope I don’t sound like a broken record. I”m still in the same situation with my husband, he is living up in his shop and won’t leave, but we have sort of established some ground rules that are working for now. I”ve managed to get most of his stuff out of this house so he doesn’t have the excuse to come down here for “something”. I still have quite a bit of stuff up there, it’s where I store a lot of my art supplies, but I”m working on transferring most of it down here, and I do it when he is gone somewhere so I don’t have the temptation to try to talk to him. When I have it never ends well and I walk away more miserable than before. It’s very tough living this way and I know it has to end somehow but I just don’t see how as yet, short of having him arrested, and there are no grounds for that. Besides, cdoing something like that would probably create more problems than it solves. A restraining order wouldn’t be enforcable as he could be here and gone before the police could arrive and he knows that.
And to be honest about it, I still don’t want to hurt him, isn’t that nuts? I am beginning to believe I am already somewhat crazy just to have stayed with him as long as i did, but it is what it is and it’s hard to change everything you are made up of. I’m learning that it takes time and and a LOT of determination, just to survive.
My biggest problem now is that I have no one to talk to about this. The people I thought were my friends, well, when things got tough, they got going, if you get my drift. All of a sudden they aren’t getting my texts, or phone calls, and are just so busy, they don’t have time to visit. I’ve sort of come to terms with that, it seems to go with the territory these days. But finding new friends just doesn’t seem to be in my bag of tricks, I can’t make myself get out to meet anyone, and if I did I would not be able to be truthful, that would make them run fast and far I believe, and I can’t really see what good more rejection would do me.
So, for now I live in solitude and have more or less given up hoping for friends to talk to. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, or my dog, or cat and yes, I even answer myself, so doesn’t that more or less confirm that I am getting crazy?
One really good thing is I am getting closer to my maker, and have managed to study and even understand the bible more. It does give me comfort and helps me realize that we are never really alone, and that someone does care. It says though, that you must have faith, and uses that dirty word, “trust” a lot. So I’m working on that and think I am making progress.
I think I can talk here because even though we show our names, and even our hearts, we can still remain anonymous and for some reason it’s easier to share that way, for me anyway.
I wouldn’t mind hearing any advice or stories on learning how to do that again, Trust people I mean. Because frankly, I am at a loss here.
So for the ones that made it through this I thank you for listening and I hope those still suffering so badly, hang in there, I hear it gets better. *hugs* Pam

Reply
Laura

Hi Pam,
I know it’s been 3 years since you wrote this, but I want you to know at this point, I’m in the same boat you are in (or was). My husband of 24 years lives in “his” motor home and barges into the house often.
The Lord is my strength. I will pray for you Pam.
All The Best~
Laura

P.S. You are not crazy~

Reply
Miss Debra

I divorced craziness and now I live happily with the blessings of the Lord. God has blessed me abundantly since I decided to stop marrying and being with rebellious crazy men. I’m not saying married people are all unhappy, but I was a magnet for the worst men. I suggest you do the same. Get away from that crazy man. It is better to live without the chains of another person who will make your life miserable. Living hypocrisy in marriage is worst than divorce and moving on. Let Jesus step in and make your life great!

Reply
Lou

4 blocks away my bipolar attention getter my sister lives. Short story I’ll make it. She threatened DEATH to me. She lies to all, I am the one that starts all. I wear my heart on my arm. This really hurts.

Reply
Anon

Great article and very informative. Hits home on more than one level.

Will try to explain the best I can without anything seeming specific due to the possibility of being found out…yes, it can be that bad!

Anyway, I am disabled and fighting SSDI. Had to move out of our house and into a family members basement. Did all the demo work, and install of the renovation costing out of our own pocket around 1600.00 not including labor which we did. (All before I got as bad as I am now) Few years later, basement floods, molds, grows mushrooms etc but is ignored by the owners.

Everything you’ve mentioned about being toxic, is pretty much dead on. (99.99% sure malignant narcissist or NPD and this is text book symptoms, majority of what’s in the DSM-5) We are stuck here until I’m receiving my benefits as my spouse is unable to make enough from her own business as I need her assistance due to my conditions. (Yet ssa still fighting me saying I’m not bad enough and specialists, surgeons, neurologists, and their own examiners are baffled that I’m not already receiving my benefits I’ve paid into more than half my life)

We have 2 boys, and between the 4 of us, have been through hell and back being controlled, manipulated, extorted, all while we have bent over backwards to please and do. Up until this past year or so when I’ve found out what the issue truly is with this individual. We have now been sticking to ourselves avoiding but being respectful as we always have although still getting g and feeling the mental stress. All on top of the already mind boggled issues with our deep
beauracratic battle we are going through. Extremely tough to deal with but have been fairly managing as a family. Have also educated my kids on how to deal with and work around the malignancy. Just don’t know what else we can do. Any help or advice is welcome and Thanks in advance for opportunity.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

It sounds as though you are dealing with this with great integrity, strength and grace. I can only imagine how difficult this must be when you are stuck at the hands of someone with such little compassion. Obviously it isn’t possible to change the people who you are dealing with, but keep the boundaries around your family and yourself strong. You sound like a wonderful team and I wish this wasn’t happening to you. I hope you are able to find a way through soon.

Reply
Pam

It’s me again still trying to figure this all out. I find myself wondering if maybe I am wrong and he isn’t toxic at all, maybe he just has a hard time showing emotions? Or maybe I am just wanting to understand so badly I find myself agreeing with this toxic thing, when in reality I could be wrong. And then I come back here and read everything again and I realize that these people here, the authors like Karen, could be taking this straight from me, they know my whole story and it is exactly as you said Karen. After trying so hard for so long to understand him so I could maybe one day put a smile on his face, I finally realized that he hasn’t changed in all these years, why would he do it now? And it started getting worse the last year or so. He would start ranting at me about everything I did wrong and would get louder and ounder and more and more hurtful, and then he would pound on the table to emphasize his statements, then he started leaning over the table into my face and doing that and I think that was what finally woke me up, because i realized that when he found the table pounding wasn’t doing it for him anymore, my face would probably be next. That kind of abuse I understand a bit more about. And I know that once it happens, it can only get worse, certainly not better. So much that he rants about how bad I am, it was impossible to even argue because it was so untrue, or only enough true that it made me wonder if he really thinks he remembers it right. And t hen I started wondering if I’m just not remembering and I started wondering if maybe everything he said was true, and I really was this loathsome person he tells me I am. He tells me I never do anything around the house, I just sit there like a lump. And although I wonder how the house ever stayed so clean then, because he sure never did it. And one of his things is that I don’t show him that I love him. Hmm, yet he doesn’t think we have to actually tell each other that we do. We should show it instead. And when I think about some of the things I have done for him to prove it, it borders on crazy for me. We had a little house on the property and he hated it there, the roof had blown off and it was just an eyesore, and I hated it myself but thought maybe he would help me tear it down. One time he left on a job and was giving me the silent treatment, wouldn’t call and check in, didn’t care what was going on here. I decided to show him I loved him, and I started tearing that house down. It was dangerous, and incredibly hard labor, and I was completely out here alone doing it. I came close to seriously hurting myself twice, once when one wall I wasn’t expecting to fall yet, did and just missed me by inches. I hit myelf several times with tools, a crowbar, a hammer, and got cut, splinters in my body, stepped on a nail, beat to hell. But by golly, when he got home four weeks later, it was gone! completely gone. I hadn’t burned all the wood yet but it was stacked by the firepit ready to go. And any piece of wood I could think of ever using was clean of nails and stacked neatly to be used again. And when he got home, he only said, well, what are you going to do with all that mess by the firepit…? And why did you just not burn all of that junk wood, I don’t use anything that second hand.
It goes on and on like that, and it makes me wonder what the heck was wrong with me for me to not see it before now. And I can sort of answer that, it’s because I was raised by a mother that had personality disorders and an older brother who was diagnosed later with shizophrenia. And to me, my husband seemed normal. He wasn’t like them and seemed like a kind, gentle man and had a great smile and he convinced me that I would be loved the way I craved being treated. He was good at it. And to be honest, there were times even before we got married that he would do something out of character and my warning signs would go up, but when I confronted him, he convinced me I was only reading it all wrong. I remember one time in my mind I thought for sure he didn’t love me, but I was willing to allow that, just to be with him. I thought after a time that he would realize he did care. And there were enough times of happiness that I could only think of those times and believe he did care. I made excuses for him, I never told other people what was going on, who would believe me anyway? He was good at what he did, he still is.

After him becoming nearly violent I realized now it was a different game and knew I had to stop that before it got worse. And after he left for another job, I told him not to bother coming home I was done. And when it came close to the job being done, he started working on me, telling me we needed to talk and that he loved me and realized things had to change, yada yada, and at that point, I told him he could come home, but if he did, there would be certain conditions, mainly that he could not ever start on me again, no more put downs, no more judging me or telling me all the negative stuff he thought of me. And he agreed. And he came home and I waited for the other shoe to fall, It was the best time of our 16 year marriage and I started to let my guard down and to start trusting him again with my heart. I felt safe, I felt secure, and then it started again, just like he’d never stopped, and I told him I wanted a divorce. Even then I really thought he would try to fix things, but I guess he realized then that he couldn’t control me like he used to and after he told me he didn’t want to divorce so I dropped it, he told me then, he wanted out and that he didn’t love me, never had although he says he tried. And although he has not once admitted it, he wants my property and fully expected for me to walk away and leave it to him. He told me he would give me enough to find another house to buy, but managed to come up with only enough for some shack somewhere else. And at that point I was going to do it anyway, is that nuts? But you know, while I waited for this money to get to him, I walked around this place and every single thing there was done by my hands, everything except the house, we did that together. But the land is mine and I know he would not take care of it or love it like I do. I have hundreds of cacti that I planted years ago figuring the woul be money in the bank when we retire, he never planted one of them, never watered them and only did things around here that he wanted to do. And I made a promise to myself at that moment, that he was not taking my land too. And I was done running when I was afraid, and I was going to stand my ground right here, no matter what threats came up or how afraid I got. I told him my decision to stay and he started in again on me and in a way I was hoping he might hit me, because then the police would have to take him away. I don’t think there is a thing they can do with this emotional abuse, how could I prove it? So, he is at the shop just up a little rise from the house, and he said he isn’t leaving and here I sit, broke, because he decided to cut me off, trying to make me leave. He tells me I will lose the place anyway, or sell it. And now he is saying he is going to fight me for it. He says the judge would make me sell it to pay him for building my home. So, that’s where I am right now, in limbo, with him sitting up there hating on me everyday and no friends that I can even discuss this with or vent on. And no money to pay for mental health treatments, but I still have me and I will win this round or die trying.
This is the first time I’ve been able to tell the whole story and if just one person believes me, I will be happy.

Reply
pam

Thanks so much for saying that Sydney, it helps so much to be able to say this stuff out loud and to have people who know what I’m talking about and to be believed. I don’t get how my best friends would even begin to think I would, or even could make this sort of thing up. And what would I gain by it anyway? It just takes the trust issue up to an even higher level. I don’t want to lose who I am, but I have to be a lot more choosy about who I allow into my life. I’m such a hermit already, this is making it real bad. Again, thank you!

Reply
Experienced hateful behavior

Yes Pam, I believe you. After what I have experienced in arkansas there is no reason I wouldn’t. Funny when things go crazy the ones who actually give a shit. As far as new folks you meet or those who left and may want to enter your life again I would take it slow. It’s painful when you invest years of give a shit and then they turn thier back. Found a quote yester day on a website I love so much I made a sign to hang, “No one cares about you unless there’s something in it for them.” This can be useful badge when some manipulators and predictors cross your path. When folks have been wounded there is always that garbage trying to prey on a perceived “weakness”. Hope this finds you well or brightens your day. Your situation is exhausting but you sound like you will find a way.

Reply
Anonymous

I have a friend who I’ve met just recently and on the crappiest day of my life she saw I was in total need and swooped in like my white knight lol. She had my back and helped me but I mentioned I had something that I knew would interest her from there the relationship took off and we got closer but I assumed it was because we had so much in common. She slowly made it clear that I was to lie to her husband before entering their home and to her kids which I did thinking their was a good reason and she helped me alot for two to three days which I payed her for immensely. She seemed to be one of those ppl I could open up to and finally I’d have a gf I could do nails and just laugh with and w.e else but slowly I began to see that her turmoil with her husband made it impossible for me to know when I was overstepping when I was talking to much or not enough and I walked on eggshells. She dropped me off at a bus station one last time and I trooped it home which I was grateful for any of her help but I’d reach out and she wouldn’t respond or answer and I’d run into her and she would act like she were in a rush and like what I had to say meant nothing. Finally I got my life back and was out of my slump and had my vehicle my partner my home and my life back and she had a new baby boy on the way I reached out after going shopping for her and her kids because I adored her kids the entire time I was there. She began constantly snapping on me and saying I was overstepping about the tiniest things and truly I was only trying to be a helpful friend. She had a way of making me feel like nothing was ever and would ever be good enough and then she met my significant other which was great. I thought this will make it fair playing ground but it was the opposite she specifically told me never talk to her husband or ask him for anything or even tell him anything just only talk.to me so I assumed I would be afforded the same respect. The same day she met my partner she waited until I left the car and exchanged numbers with my partner behind my back and told her to say if it were to come out that she got it through Facebook messenger. She even went as far as running with the story at an odd unnecessary time which made me look into it. I checked all my partners facebook, messenger and insta and my partner hadn’t been active since last june so I confronted my partner and she told me the truth. Once I confronted this so called new friend she just continued to deny deny deny even after my.partner got on the phone and kinda said ya it shouldn’t have been this big an issue in the first place so the jig was up. I started to feel how odd this was because in the past these weren’t things I ever even thought twice about in past friendships. I just figured she had been through alot like myself and maybe never had a true friend that wasn’t looking to get something out of her or hurt her or trick her. I put in work as in texted my feelings, calls, just reached out and I even gave each child a gift Because I had fallen in love and wanted my so called new friend to know what it felt like to have a friend who’s there just because…who you can talk to whenever about whatever and I’ really thought she was great I thought maybe she would come to one day and I’d see a happy go lucky friend. It all went down hill when I asked to talk about the feelings I had been feeling she was defensive, angry, she turned each and every little issue around on me somehow and she would act as if she couldnt recall certain instances that had happened. She turned herself into the victim immediately and blamed her husband and me and her life.. when I would say something to her it would feel as though she wasn’t listening it was almost like she was just waiting for her turn to say the next sting or hurtful thing. She said maybe if I had got to know her better we wouldn’t be in this mess she also said if her husband stayed out of everything that it wouldn’t happen and she didnt once take blame for anything she had said or done. Granted she has alot on her plate with four children one being a new born so the stress is understandable. But I wanted to be a helpful hand and be some calm in her world. Turned out that what it all came down to was not her myself our spouses our kids or anything. She needed to be in complete control she needed to be the only one talking she had to be in charge of everyone around her and everything because she was out of control which outside looking in seemed each time like chaos. I made the mistake of trying to push to quick for friendship but the way she helped me out of nowhere I assumed that meant this was going to be a person with a heart of gold. I know there is good in there and I know I’m far from perfect but I’d never met a true hypocrite until her. Or someone who truly never ever thought they were in the wrong..she had a way of belittling my feelings without even trying and she didn’t seem to ever be grateful for much. Depression maybe. Narcistic tendencies sure. Lack of empathy for sure and always looking for the next thing she can get from an unsuspecting person. She lost out on a great friend and her theory is that her husband and kids run friends away but I think it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I hope I’ve learned and seem alot of my not so healthy attractive behaviors by seeing the way she behaved and I only wish her the best I really do. I dont think everyone is unable to change but I think if someone cant even recognize that they may be the root of the problem is going to be a long road to happiness.

Reply
SPARKLE E

I, me, and myself is been dealing with shit. Yes, I’ve came equiped with owning my bullshit in associations that alot would never have occured if I had fully stayed in my own lane from jump on this side of town where really creepy weirdo shit is ok around here. However I need to read more things like that until something happens for best with more blessings, grace, and fixing/change in my for (our) lives futhur coming into who I’ve been created for my life (God’s Plan) etc……i need more to read on this level at this point!!

Reply
Experienced hateful behavior

Wow, what did you have of interest? Drags you in if someone is always lying. Clearly, there was much more going on then you knew about. Guess you were put in the dark also because she wasn’t being open with her battlefield home front. It’s hurtful when folks misinterpret and when you find yourself a target of manipulation, sabotage, theft…it makes it hard not to be wary. Maybe one day your “friend” will explain the bullshit behind the closed door. I totally understand how hurtful that feels.

Reply
Darla

Pam, I as well believe you, full heartedly. As a person of action I think you have options you might not be made aware of. Information is just a click away as was this forum and you found it. Do not give up on yourself or your dreams. Stay strong.

Reply
Sabreen

For Ms. Pam

I believe you

I believe you’ve hid in caves, covered over by darkness,
but still managed to climb
your way through the night.
I believe you rubbed the earth between your hands and gave
her something to nourish

I believe you, like her,
wrap yourself around potential
giving water, words, giving years
And years and more

And watch as she yeilds
to you, fruits and flowers.
You rush to show her yours, but hands are empty and head is tired.

Heart is open…

Eyes are seeing…..

Look just beyond the hill
Just beyond, there is a storm brewing. Thinking you,
It will decimate, No!
It has come to free you

Free you.

I believe you can plant now
and compete with the Cacti
who know the secret of living…
storing water to slake their own thirst, bearing thorns for those who would dishonor

I believe you can root,
I believe you can grow,
I believe you can bloom.

I believe you.

Reply
pam

Wow Sabreen, awesome poem, did you just write that? I’m impressed. And I swear it’s like you know me. It was about a week ago, my husband said something to me about staying in my dark little cave all the time, only he was being derogitory, naturally. Like it was a bad thing to stay in my home with the curtains shut. Its not healthy to do that but sometimes its what I do when I don’t want to be around him or anyone else. If the curtains are shut, he usually won’t come down here and I figure whatever works. And that isn’t all you nailed in your poem. I have been a plant freak all my life, and where I live right now are hundreds of cacti, in different stages of growth. And they as well as other things growing out there are what give me a reason to go outside, and to get a little exercise like I should. I hope you don’t mind but I want to copy the poem, it has very much touched me in my deepest heart and it reminds me that not all in this world is bad right now. The plants are always happy to see me, as well as my pets. As far as venturing off the place, that is still tough and I usually go to the store, post office and such like that only when i have to and then I’m not gone for long. If it wasn’t for needing to eat and feed the animals, I think I would be a complete shut in these days. Good thin for the internet and the great outdoors aye? Thank you for your kindness, it is so nice to know there are still good people on this earth. Pam

Reply
Sabreen

Ms. Pam:

You and your story inspired me. It is your poem.

Please feel free to copy. I am honored that it touched you.

This article did the same for me, nearing a year ago.

I told Ms.Karen then, that it is like a gift that keeps on giving.

We must all strive. Come out of our holes and triumph.
One step, one day at a time.

Reply
pam

Thank you Darla. I so appreciate you saying that. Im trying to keep myself in one piece and so far not doing any worse. It’s just the trust issues now that are stopping me, I used to welcome people into my life so easily and now, well, it’s going to take some work to even want to be around strangers. I have noticed that I pay a lot more attention to people even the ones I”ve known a long time. I wonder what they want from me, and I find that to be a sad thing, I know not everyone is out to get me, but I’m acting that way in my heart. Thank you!

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Pam your story is important and powerful and it makes so much sense. Absolutely, 100% I believe you and I believe in you. Your strength, your courage, your resilience. You have worked hard on this relationship and you have worked hard to feel safe and secure. I wish so much this wasn’t happening to you. Toxic people have a way of putting on the mask for just long enough to just deep enough into our lives that even getting rid of them is painful and does damage. You will get through this. I love the comments people have left for you. So many beautifully open, wonderful hearts. When it feels like you’re too tired to fight, come back these open hearts and open minds for strength. We’re with you.

Reply
pam

Thank You Karen, and thank you for this article, you may have saved me sanity if I had not found it when I did. IT’s given me a lot to think about and a LOT of comfort. Keep up your awesome work, I think you are doing this world some good and making a dent in some pretty miserable situations. Love Pam

Reply
Andrea Y

Pam
I know this is going into 2020 but in case you read this..i believe you. I hope you are somewhere tonight enjoyong your land and home comfortably. Maybe he fell onto a cactus…jk..its easy to doubt yourself without reinforcements..even things you know well to be true..its called gaslighting. He’ll stand there and basically lie about you as if these things or behaviors actually occurred…so convincingly that you begin to doubt what you know to be true…people like him have no problem inventing history…rewriting it basically so it suits them. Its rubbish.i hope you were able to get rid of him.
Andrea

Reply
Cyndi

I truly hope you have left this absolutely toxic man.. I believed you as I’m living 16 yrs. (until just days ago) in a similar situation.
Your post is years old but just wanted to let you know that there are people out here that care & I think it shows great strength enduring all that you have and telling your story ❗. ((hugs))

Reply
Honey Ongley

I am experiencing these characteristics with my flatmate during a 6 month study abroad. It is making my time very difficult and I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy anything. Everything is made about her and it is becoming harder and harder each day to deal with it. However, after discovering this article, you’ve been able to point out the exact traits she is doing, and hopefully now I can recognise I can move past them. Really incredible, thank you!

Reply
Tracy

Just wanted to add something. She can be extremely manipulative. I think because the lack of control in her early life perhaps? It is becoming overwhelming recently and as bad as I want to be there for her. Can’t keep going through this drama over and over

Reply
Pam

Hi Tracy, Notr sure if I can help or not but I can identify with your friend a lot. All I can say is in dealing with her, let her know that you believe her, and if you truly care about her, don’t try to give her any advice that requires she fix herself. She already knows she is broken. When you are so beaten down, and someone starts right in telling you what to do to fix yourself, it feels like an extension of what you have already dealt with for so long. You feel like even your friends see that something is wrong with you and that even they can’t love you until you somehow “fix” yourself. Don’t look at her with pity, just let her know you are there whenever she needs to talk and without judgement at all. She is fighting for her life, for her spirit and she probably has no trust left in her at this point. Give her time to grieve and dont tell her she needs to do anything but what she is, and let her know you find so much value in just being around her. I”m not asking you to lie, be honest. If it’s hard to be with her, she already knows that and if she is like me, she will do her best not to bring you down, but she needs to talk about what she has been through, more than anything she needs to know you aren’t going to disappear from her life and you’re not going to pull back. And if you seriously just cant handle it, be honest, don’t do it if you don’t want to. It can’t be easy to be around her, I surely know that one. And if she feels at all that you are just hanging in there out of some sense of duty, she will crawl deeper into that dark place. I want to get better, I know I have to fight for every inch of progress, every single day. And when you are at that point, even the thought of talking to a counselor or therapist is completely terrifying. The thought of anyone getting into your mind after being told for so long and in so many words that you are good for nothing, and telling you constantly what you need to do to be better, to me feels like just one more person who can’t deal with who I am.
I live in that cave, I know exactly why I am there, it’s the only place on this earth that no one can get into if I don’t want them. And I don’t know one person right now that I trust enough to let in. I just know I have to voice these things in order to let the pressure off, if even for a little while.
Tell her about this place, let her know she isn’t alone. Again, don’t try to fix her, if she asks for advice, tell her what you would do but until then, just let her vent and be honest with her, do not sugar coat anything, we can feel that. If you are willing to stick it out, then God Bless you, but if not we still love you. It’s as simple as that.

Reply
Tracy

I have had an old friend come back into my life. She was raised in an extremely abusive home and unfortunately it continued in her relationships for many years. Now she has become the aggressor, not physically. She wears her pain and every single thing that happened to her as a shield. I cannot talk to her about letting go or dealing with anything. She is 55 now and her life is so sad and empty because she chooses to sit in the darkness. I think she feels she can control that, she is comfortable in it. I have my own issues to deal with and she can be so toxic sometimes, I just don’t have the strength to bear it and have myself where I need to be. I cannot talk to her about anything anymore. She thinks everything from everyone is a judgement. No matter what you say or how gentle you put it, she will find something in it. She will either go offline, or fly off in rage using very dark, damaging, disgusting language. I’m just not sure if I can continue this, or how to deal with it. I am in many ways the opposite as her, maybe that doesn’t help. I am not belittling her issues and feelings, but as I have gotten older, I just feel life is too damn short and at some point we have to choose to be happy or not. I’m not saying it is that easy, just that simple

Reply
Janet

I can’t stress how much I agree with the “projection” point! Toxic people will make it seem as if you are the problem, not themselves. All of the manipulative people around me share that same characteristic! They will deny that there is a problem, ask, with a passive-aggressive and accusatory tone, why I’m angry/upset/mean, while I try my best to defend myself, totally forgetting that the same conversation shouldn’t involve these elements if I were talking with a normal person. Ironically, when these toxic people occasionally show compassion and understanding, and in a way just normal, it feels like a godsend and you forget how stupid they made you feel.

Reply
pam

I think I’ve started to move through a different stage of grief now, and mostly now I am just angry and I’m glad because now I realize it wouldn’t matter if he did a complete turnabout, tell me he does love me and all that rot, because I would never believe him or anything he said again, there would be nothing I could do to change the words he said. I don’t love you, and I said did you ever? He replied, “well, I tried to.” 16 years of trying, wonder why he finally figured it out? But my problem now is he won’t leave. He isn’t in the house, he’s in the shop, its good for the pity thing you know. I have already said the decisions I made were kind of crazy at the time. I thought if he stayed here, that meant there was a chance it would all just go away. ANd I was desperate for that to happen. Not now though, at least not today. It’s like by letting them stay, you are putting yourself at his mercy, just like always. The lies and the games continue and the more I realize what I’ve allowed to happen all these years, the more I push back. But still, I catch myself walking on those damn eggshells. I really have made up my mind that he has to go, but now I don’t know how to make his mind up as well. How can he tell me he never loved me and he wants out, how can he even do that? I’m more or less just done with that desperate attempt to find out why? To understand why. I’m just thinking in my head that it’s because he is a lost soul, and is so hateful and mean because he can’t face himself at all. So, he takes it all out on me. And he’s good at it too, so sneaky, you never know when hes going to blindside you again. Can’t let my guard down, can’t relax, can’t sleep, and he has to get out. I told him yesterday, last evening, he had to go. I havn’et heard a word back yet, so I imagine he is starting the famous silent treatment. I don’t think there are laws for mental abuse, I doubt if they would come arrest him, so I’m lost on this one, don’t know where to turn for help. One thing I do know, he is NEVER going to intimidate me enough to make me want to run, it ain’t happening, I”m done running. This is his choice, now let him deal with it. Oh gads, thanks for listening once again, it feels so good to just say all this out loud, He is an ASSHOLE! lol

Reply
Aubrie

Today, I ended a two year situation in which I was involved with a toxic person… the crazy part about it is the same thing happened twice, around the same time of year, just LIKE last year. It led me to believe that toxic people tend to lead cycles with those that enable their toxic behavior…I was one of those enablers because I always felt as though I needed to prove that it was possible to love again after a bad breakup when actually it wasn’t necessary…

I was stuck in between the relationship of her and her ex gf. They would date from fall to the next summer…break up…my ex would come looking for me…we date…she becomes distant and uninterested, all to find out that she went back to go entertain her previous ex to start the cycle once again…

This person had followed their ex on Instagram for the second time after I told them the first time that I found it disrespectful and it made me uncomfortable… She would like her ex’s pictures but never liked any of mine and I was her girl!

Anyway, I had decided that instead of immediately ignoring her I would provide a consequence for this type of behavior. She of course never apologized, but attempted to convince me that my punishment for her crime was not necessary because this situation is small and ‘petty’. I held my position.

She had texted me ‘Goodmornin’ earlier this morning and I ignored it….later on today, I saw her post a picture of her ex on her own Instagram (mind u she NEVER posted a picture of us while we were dating…she just simply made excuses) and the caption said “I could never lose what you thought. #wce”

My heart was torn apart…even though I expected this was gonna happen. I take full responsibility for letting this toxic person back in my life to do this to me again. Her ex posted a picture of her (my ex) at which she (my now ex) commented “Hey Wifey”….it was hard seeing that because the night before…she was calling me trying to get me to change my mind and continue to date her and entertain her…I don’t know if she did this to get a reaction out of me…but it turned from me giving her an opportunity to actually fix it, to me completely blocking her out my life with absolutely no hope of ever returning back….

I know she will attempt to reach out to me like she did earlier this year (hunted me down for 6 months while she was with her ex) but I guess that’s the real test. I’m really going through it but I hope I have the strength to continue forward and keep her in my past because she will never change…mind you her ex was someone who always treated her like crap…and she sticks around for it. I just have to go through the process of moving on…but that’s my story of dealing with another toxic person…

Reply
Hannah Squires

Stay strong. Easier said than done I understand. Toxic people eventually ‘kill’ us, by draining every last bit of energy and self esteem. That’s certainly been my experience. Once again, stay resolved and strong. Allow genuine friends to help you. Hold your head high, safe in the knowledge you deserve not simply more, but better. I wish you every success and happiness as you move forward. x

Reply
Kevin

This fits my wife to a T, she does 11 of the 12 constantly. Many of them are not only the source of our arguments, but the topic. Is there a normal clinical diagnosis for people that are toxic, I mean like borderline, or bipolar? My wife has been playing musical chairs with psych meds for years and nothing’s working. Her mother is a very hostile angry woman and I think that her stepfather may have been a little too touchy if you know what I mean. I don’t know what to do, I’m at my wit’s end but I love my wife and love my family. Any suggestions?

Reply
Terry Croft

I am so torn. , I come from a blended family, there were 6 siblings , our mother passed and our dad remarried and had two more children, this is 44 years ago.

I have had to separate myself from ny older siblings who are very toxic. ” I don’t even think Dr. Phil could help my family” What hurts, is that I love them, and miss seeing them. But I could no longer be a part of their negativity and cruelness to my stepmother and our younger sisters (my older siblings never accepted our step-mother and did not have a close relationship with our younger sisters like a did, I question myself all the time/ Is it okay to stay away?

Reply
chris

these toxic traits are a little interesting. They make sense, but I think that people who are labeled as toxic, innocently claim they are not, depending on ANY situation. In other words, I think anyone can demonstrate these insecurities and passive aggressive behavior, more and less, an normal person can turn toxic towards someone who is insubordinate, lazy, ignorant, and passive, so in all respect, why does that person have to be stereotyped as toxic? in a relationship, if one cant take ownership of there mistakes, and the other has to say sorry or apologize for that person, is that being toxic? If one runs away from the truth, and cannot handle confrontation, because the other was honest in every way to defend there honor, is that being toxic?

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Chris we can all display some of these behaviours some of the time, but it’s about intent, degree and intensity. Toxic people are called ‘toxic’ because they contaminate the self-esteem and self-concept of those around them. Other key qualities of a toxic person are a lack of insight into their effect on people and no intention at all to change or to be better for the people around them. They also show a lack of remorse or regret for the damage they do to lives and relationships.

Reply
Pam

Chris, I don’t agree that a toxic person is a stereotype at all. It is a fact that this is the way a toxic person acts, and as such, yes, it’s a label. We can all have certain characteristics of toxicity, but what the label is saying is that these toxic people do these toxic things as a way of life. It is WHO they are. And they are poison to anyone who gets the effect of it in their daily lives.
I sometimes think that I am toxic to him as well because I allowed the treatment he dealt to me. I saw it, I felt it but I allowed it. And by doing that and not fighting it, it allowed his behavior to work for him and it continues because of that. And the difference is, I see it, and I admit it and I am doing something about it. He won’t see it, he won’t ever admit it, and he will never do anything about it.

And if you knew how easy it is to fall into the trap, and how hard it is to get out of, you would perhaps not have a problem with just the label. And you would see that there is no other name for it that is as fitting as toxic is. And the word stereotype assumes that you fit in that category, so why should it bother you if it isn’t you? It is only a way to describe what happens when you get involved with someone like that. You slowly get poisoned until you are sicker than hell and can’t see an antidote for your misery. You are in a toxic condition caused by something that is poisonous to you, therefore they are toxic. It’s the best description to define the situation.

Reply
freda

what do as a lady who is still in a relationship with a toxic man and preparing to marry him,he is a very good man but everything thing i do he doesnt appreciate it,he makes me feel as if am good for nothing, i always cry everyday ,because he always finds fault, with me,with anything i do,i cant even come out of my own shell,i feel sad always, and i juxt dont know what to do,and he is also my boss at work,and am his secretary.Pls advice me

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

If this is how you are feeling now, DON’T MARRY THIS MAN! Marriage won’t make these behaviours stop. Everyone has something good about them, even toxic people, but what matters is how you feel in the relationship. If you want a life where you cry everyday, are constantly criticised, feel sad all the time, marry him – because you have very clear evidence that this is what your life will be. He may be a good man in many ways, but that ‘goodness’ isn’t enough to stop the negative things that are happening between you. All of the goodness in the world won’t matter if, on balance, you feel awful in the relationship. If you want to stay in the relationship and try to work through it, do that, but don’t commit yourself to this life if you are already unhappy. Talk to him about what’s happening. If he doesn’t commit to doing things differently, or if he isn’t interested in your concerns, or if he mocks them or gets angry, this isn’t a partnership. If it’s love, it feels like love.

Reply
Pam

Hi Freda, I so much agree with Karen, DON”T MARRY HIM! I’m speaking from experience here and I am at the tail end of that marriage. You will NEVER be happy with this person, not ever. You will be given just enough so called love, to keep you hanging there but you will feel always like you are not ever enough. The way you are feeling right now, always crying, always desperate to please them, always thinking that if I do just one more thing, maybe they will finally love me. But when you get to the end and you realize that you are being totally destroyed and you know that you won’t survive it, and you want to quit and get out, it becomes so much more difficult. Mine told me he never loved me and I asked if he ever had, and he said, “I tried.” After sixteen years he said that. I”m begging you, don’t marry this man, not if your life depends on it. You will be more miserable than you are right now and you will end up not even knowing who you are anymore. You will believe that it’s something wrong with you, that somehow you are just not lovable and no one else will ever want you. You will feel like the lowest, ugliest, vilest creature on earth. And when he is done with you, he won’t even look back to see if you are alive. He has no honor, and certainly no love and you are NEVER going to change him, and you cannot make him happy. They never let you get near their heart and if by chance you get close, they will shoot you down even further. You become their number one enemy and you are there to be destroyed. Please, Dear God, I hope you listen to me and get out now, as fast and as far as you can go. Your life depends on it.

Reply
SYdNeY

Pam you are dead on with your comment.

I was married to a man who was a soul destroying narcissist he was controlling and manipulative. I would never have made him happy and the first three days of our marriage were ok, seriously, and then it went downhill.

The mental abuse was unbelievable it wasn’t until many years later that I realized I had been married to a sociopath. We divorced after a year and a half and he went on to destroy many other women and eventually brought children into the mix. I’m so grateful we didn’t have any.

I met my husband of 34 years and he is the polar opposite of the thing I had wed when I was younger.

Freda, get out and don’t look back. If ANYONE makes you feel bad about yourself then they are underserving and you need to cut ties. This has been my mantra and I taught it to my daughter at a young age.

Reply
Pam

And you are right on too Sydney, I only wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. I don’t know if I would have listened at that point, but at least I would have been aware of things and known a bit more about what to watch for. Maybe I wouldn’t have let it get to this point right now. Either way, you end up hurt and confused but if I could have seen through the lies and manipulation, maybe I could have saved myself some of the seemingly wasted years of suffering and pain. They say that what don’t kill us makes us stronger, and that is my only hope right now, it’s what keeps me going. I hope that I will come out of this stronger and smarter and maybe even find someone who deserves what I have to offer and that will offer me some of that true love I hear so much about. The kind with compassion being shared, between you, in other words, some of it will be for me maybe, not just me giving it. And if I never am able to get past the trust issues, maybe at least I can do some good in the world in sharing what I’ve learned through this ordeal.
I keep this hope with me, it gives me a reason to keep on struggling to get this monkey off my back and to finally be able to start to heal. I want some happiness for a change even if it means I spend the rest of my life hiding in my cave alone. Because right now, it’s the only place I feel safe from all the pain. It is my defense against the world, and I cn be okay if I learn to depend on myself and to learn to that I am okay, it’s him that is sick. I know I’ve been injured and I am broken in a lot of places in my head, but the difference is that I know I am, and I can admit that I’m not perfect, because basically, I am a good person who only wants to live as best as I can and not leave a path of destruction behind me. And when I realize I made a mistake, I will do my best to learn from it and accept responsibility for it. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s how we learn, but if you don’t do something about them, or blame it all on someone else, you become stunted and you stop growing, and you will never, ever find any true, down to the gut, happiness. By not owning up to the mistakes, you not only can’t learn, but you also can’t benefit from them. I’ve tried so hard to explain that to my husband, because even after all the hurt he has caused me, I still want him to find peace in this life, I still care about his spirit and his soul and I guess that is never going to change. Somewhere down under all that ugliness he shows only to me, I know that there is something there that is good. I also know that he looks on me more and more as the enemy because I do see it there and I am not going to be the one to save him because of that fact. He knows I see it, and I know too much, and I think that absolutely terrifies him. Anyway, I know I can’t fix him now, and it’s time I jump off a sinking boat while I still can, because maybe I can’t help him but there are plenty of others out there I might help. And if I go down with the ship, who will help the ones I leave behind. Thinking this way gives me a reason to live and to give myself value. It shows me that I really am important to someone somewhere. And I do have a chance of leaving this life with something to be proud of. I want to find where I am needed, and isn’t that ultimately what life should be about? I am worthwhile and I am worth saving and I do have something to offer.

Reply
Carrie

My husband of 30 years ranks somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism. I am minimized by being told I have “low self esteem”, “I’m too defensive”, ‘ I’m too sensitive”, or “I can’t take a joke”. He has a sarcastic sense of humor and will attempt to pass off some pretty mean things as jokes that simply aren’t funny. He also reverts to this line of attack in most disputes. Apologies are rare and usually sound like ” I’m sorry if you think I…”.
I’ve learned that rather than defending myself now, I just keep my mouth shut and let it pass. As a result, of several years of this “keeping silent” approach and swallowing my hurt, I’m actually having throat and neck pain. Obviously we need to get into some counseling for communication skills.
Any recommendations on communicating with this man?

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

The problem with communicating with toxic people is that they will hear what they want to hear, regardless of how gently or clearly you put your message across. People who are truly toxic care more about control than connection, so it will always be difficult to get what you need out of a conversation. If your husband is willing to go to counselling that would be a great thing. Having a third party can really help to bring clarity to a situation.

Reply
Virginia

Carrie, I’ve read an article about people using if, and but in apologies. The article reads that if and but that is used in an apology is not a serious apology,because it sounds like they are projecting fault on the other person for feeling the way that they do…..for instance saying, I’m sorry that you feel or think that way isn’t a serious apology because it sounds like they are finding fault with your feelings that their words and actions caused you to have…

Reply
lindsay gunn-ouellette

I dislike this as a general label.
I totally get that if a person is in a relationship where they are expereincing alot of these things they would do best to get out for there own wellness. So many of us need to remind ourselves often of our boundaries, and who we let in, and how those people treat us.
It may also serve us to be curious about what those people really need/ want in relationship? Where are they coming from?
Otherwise though, in some- perhaps many cases these are people that are struggling with something or many things.
People who are struggling are likely to be difficult. They may need professional help, likely not so much judgemnetal labels.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Lindsay the reason these people are called toxic is because they’re toxic. Toxic stress (as in the kind of ongoing stress that can be driven by toxic people) changes the brain. To sugggest that people should just ‘get out of there’ is a simplistic view and overlooks that fact that circumstances often prevent this. Toxic people don’t only happen in intimate relationships – they can be parents, siblings, work colleagues, bosses, ex partners who remain co-parents.

We are all struggling with something, but we all have a responsibility to be emotionally responsible with our relationships. One of the things about toxic people that makes them toxic, is that they don’t care about their impact and have no inclination at all to change. People who are in relationships with toxic people are often people with open hearts and very generous spirits (toxic people choose these types for a good reason) and they spend many years and expend much emotional energy trying to understand why these people do what they do. They also bend and flex and compromise to try to make the relationship work – only to end up broken in the end because the toxic person has no interest in changing.

There comes a point where the people who are stuck in these relationships need support to get out, not judgement for being there or for finally seeing the person the are with for the person they are – toxic.

Reply
Sidney

Yes, this is so well said. Thank you! Toxicity causes stress. Stress can cause memory problems, anxiety, stomach problems, breathing problems, back problems, fatigue, loss of appetite or increase of appetite, headaches, immune disorders, getting the flu often, adrenal problems, arthritic attacks, ringing in the ears, depression, heart palpitations, confusion, procrastination and a paralyzing fear of life.
Maybe we just aren’t energetically compatible with these types of people! But for them life is more exciting when there is drama. You realize you just can’t keep up with them. They move at their speed and left you in the dust. And when you’re sick all the time they write you off as antisocial or worse yet: you don’t love them. But they never call or write when you are sick to show caring or support. It’s easier to show being civilized with them but inside, you want to vomit them out as they disgust you completely. They never think that they have the ability to make you sick and to be considerate. You just get in the way of their plans. You’re the problem. The world is their stage and you’re just a fill-in who didn’t show up for the play. Of course they talk about you. Can’t win. Can’t get a day off even when when you’re sick to know that your ears are ringing because they’re talking about how unhealthy you are and how you ruin their perfect life scripts.

Reply
aimen

I agree that these people need help.. But most of the time these people are unwilling to change. Many a time what they are doing they absolutely knowis wrong but they do it anyway. Its as if its a part of their survival skill and they dont want to let it go. And how draining it is to be in a relationship of any kind with them is something no one; who has never been in such a relationship; can understand.

Reply
Becca

After having kids, I found myself befriending toxic people. Of course no one has, hey, I’m a soul sucking toxic person, wrote on their head, so it took awhile for me to realize who they really were. This past year, after exhausting myself trying to please these people, I completely cut them off. For the past month or so, I’ve wondered why I felt the need to please them, or why I didn’t say something or set boundaries sooner. I realize now that myself, and a lot of the people in my generation and generations before me, were taught to pretty much put others feelings above our own. If someone done something that upset you, just let it go, don’t say anything to them, it might upset them, we were to hold back our feelings to appease theirs. On top of that, my father, whom I love and have the upmost respect for, had this, oh just sweep it under the rug, it will be ok, no need to make a fuss, approach to every issue, reguardless of how minor or major, so not only did I put others feeling above mine, I didn’t have a lick of communication skills. After graduating high school, I got hooked on drugs, and 6yrs later went to rehab, which was life changing for me. It was here that I learned that boundaries are more then your property line, that people actually had bounderies, and what assertive communication was. Had I simply has a high school class on these 2 subjects, I would of been a different person graduating high school. I did have self respect, and knew there were things that I would never put up with, and thankfully the majority of the people I was around were good people with the best of intentions. It wasn’t until after having kids, and basically no social life, that I began to befriend toxic people, I think I was so desperate for someone to talk to and hang out with, that the general red flags, I completely turned a blind eye to. When I did realize how toxic they were, that’s really the first time I’ve ever had to say, no I respect myself more then your respecting me, these are my bounderies, but I took a lot before getting to that point. I’m thankful that these people came into my life when they did, if it had been 10yrs ago, I wouldn’t of know how to set bounderies and walk away. Although learning to be assertive is great in everyday life, I don’t think it would of helped me much back then, as these people simply don’t listen, but learning assertiveness taught me that my feelings are important, and if someone isn’t going to listen to how your feeling, then they need not be a part of your life. I still second guess myself though, because I cling onto the very few good times, or basically the first 4 months of knowing them, and needed to read all of this to reassure myself that I did in fact make the right choice.

Reply
Becca

I didn’t mean to post my last comment as a reply to anyone’s comment, I meant to comment in general.

Reply
Sidney

I’ve witnessed that they are basically unhappy with themselves but they have a need to control their environment ( meaning you in it) if you don’t constantly uphold your boundaries. But it’s very tiring to constantly uphold your boundaries. It depends on who they want to target. I’ve seen that they can behave well with people who are well off because by association they feel their status raised and They like to impress but if they sniff you as a little better but not as good as them because they feel envy or jealous they fight to one up you. It’s very sad because at that moment they say things that are hurtful and they never remember it but you will even if you always forgive them. I’ve seen them become upset because you don’t sit when they want you to sit or behave in some way but then the spontaneity is non existent and the whole experience is about them feeling like top dog because it’s just a stage and the show is theirs. It all begins to feel like a lie, very unnatural. It’s a game to these people. What you describe fits nicely with normal people and yes, it’s good to be sympathetic with normal people. Narcisstic people are competitive and you feel resentful towards their manipulations and conniving nature. They don’t care if they ruin the moment for you or that they show their true colors. They take advantage of the fact that you are polite and decent and aren’t going to say anything about their behavior but they do it fully aware that they are provoking you and poking you to get a reaction. I think that if they get the reaction from you, they can label you a crazy person and that’s what they want. Why would someone do this?

Reply
dogimo

The advice is all good advice, but it makes me wonder – why are we doing these things anyway? Making yourself responsible for any person’s mood? Doing things for a person that you don’t want to do? Acting like someone else’s mistaken perception of how you feel has weight? Acting as if the person you are isn’t enough – you have to prove yourself, pass tests? Needing someone to apologize, when you already know they’re definitely wrong – like they have to agree to be wrong? Let someone else’s shower of sour rain on your sunny day parade? Feeling like you’re the one responsible to resolve some dumb conflict they brought up – when they’re one who’s cut it off, and left it hanging?

Letting someone else’s opinion judge us, when we already know what that opinion is worth. When we already ought to know what we’re worth.

These things we shouldn’t be doing with anyone. Whether the person is toxic or not doesn’t even bear on it – they’re sick behaviors. A toxic person can maybe use them to hurt us more, but even with the sweetest, nicest person in the world you shouldn’t be acting like that. Being outgoing, compassionate, generous, yes – doing favors when asked, when the relationship is healthy, feels good to do that. But taking responsibility for they won’t let you help with? Or letting yourself be pressured into doing what you don’t want to do? That’s a sick dynamic. Even in a healthy situation, even with a good person, all it’s going to do is weaken, sicken and hurt how you relate.

Reply
Charlie

I think Im toxic now! Reading this, I find that I have most of these now, I never use to. Can I somehow adopted these traits from my boyfriend? I know he’s toxic, after finding out after 4 years on how I’ve been treated. I thought there was something wrong with me, and couldn’t figure out why he was mad with me all the time, and for no reasons.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Charlie we all do some of these things some of the time. If there are toxic things you do a bit too consistently, these are the ones to target. Anyone can change if they’re ready too.

Reply
aimen

A toxic person never acknowledeges that he is toxic. Your acknowledging this means that you are a good person. And if you think you are behaving like a toxic person , it may be that you havent fully recovered from your past toxic relationship. Just do your best. Keep struggling day by day to undo the toxic marks your relationship has left on you

Reply
dimitris

A toxic person is not an evil person always.
They might have been trained in to this toxic way of thinking when children(when they couldn’t judge for themselves what is right and wrong, what is good and kind or bad and evil) by their parents, their neighbours, their friends or gangs.
But usually the good persons,when they bounce on a “wall” of kindness, when they are told that they are toxic, they immediately open their eyes and see it.
It is then,that their life changes, changing the lives of their close ones, in turn.
So, Charlie above, either is a toxic person who had a revelation of truth at last, or is a person that has some of the elements of a toxic person.
But in the end, don’t we all have some of these elements occasionally at some points in our lives?

Reply
Kamal

I thought I am the only one going through this kind of situations. It hurts, really hurts when someone very closer to your heart exhibit such toxic behavior.
It hurts more when you sacrifice everything in your life for the person but you don’t get a simple acknowledgement, for about the appreciation.

Thank you very much for the article as well as comments from

Reply
Sidney

Charlie, it’s easy after spending time with a toxic person; to become toxic as well. After all, they talk down about others or they criticize everyone and everything others do. The talking leads to gossip and before you know it you hate the circle of people in your life. It innocently looks like they open up and share and we like that, but then we become like them because we think it’s normal to talk and think that way. The most painful realization is when you want to change because negativity doesn’t produce a happy mindset or a happy life either, and you realize that you want to get away from people who are always judgy and self absorbed. You realize you’ve become toxic and now you have to deal with wanting to get rid of the old and really wanting a new mindset. This is when you realize the cost of toxic people: Because they’ll turn on you and then act like victims and you’re the bad person for not going along with them. They think it’s your job to tolerate whatever mood they want to be in and to put up with the dumb things they say. They get offended if you don’t want to bask in their presence even though you don’t like the time you’re with them and they aren’t pleasant. Getting away from them might feel impossible especially when they have learned to dominate or manipulate holidays or special events. Then when you feel like you really need to get away from them you have to make all kinds of lies. And when lying is not part of your nature, you have to deal with being a liar all because they do not know how to respect others or support them. When people say be careful with toxic people – it means that it’s not so easy to unload them because they’re presumptuous to assume you want to forever be with them until they no longer want you in their lives. Once they are paranoid that they can’t control you and believe they’re better than slice bread, they’ll talk bad about you to others and stab you in the back, in other words kill you off to the circle you’re in. Everyone you know who once treated you kindly will become cold,distant and act hypocritical – fake. You’ll feel like you’re in a nightmare life and everyone is being fake. You’ll wonder why all the love and kindness you felt for these people suddenly feels like it was a waste of time and you got nothing out of investing your time and your love with them. You’ll feel alone, isolated, and cast out. And you’ll feel as if you have no friends in the world. The toxicity is just so bad and you’ll realize that you have to start your life all over again. Learning to love, to trust, to believe in the goodness of people and friendship and love again. Best advice ever is: if you feel a weird feeling about someone – don’t get invested in them or you’ll have a world of trouble getting rid of them and end up with more trouble and brokenness than you thought you’d ever be able to handle.

Reply
Pam

Well said Sydney, I think you nailed it. One part that I didn’t realize was how they can alienate you from people you thought were friends. Reflecting on this I realized maybe t hat is what’s going on with me right now. I was just thinking that no one wanted to deal with how I am right now, they think maybe I whine too much or am negative too much? My best friend all of a sudden got too busy to spend time with me,and when she does manage to come visit, she spends as much or more time with him up at the shop where he is staying right now. Just yesterday this happened and I didn’t “get” it till reading what you said. I”ve noticed that anytime i mention something about him, she jumps right in with, “Don’t think negative thoughts” and “you really need to get over this” I kind of laid it out for her yesterday. i was completely there for her when she was having problems, I listened to her for MONTHs and never once tried to hush her up, but now she won’t even let me talk about it? It’s not like I’m sitting there bashing him, I’m just trying to understand and I have not one person on this earth, to talk to. At first I thought I was going to lose my mind, because I couldn’t vent to anyone, no family left, just no one. So when she came yesterday, and he kept luring her up there, offering her hot chocolate and then her having to pick his brain about something, and 3 times she went there to speak with him, and I went up the first two times but quickly felt uncomfortable and came home, while they finished their conversation. So when I read what you said, it gives me more understanding of just what I’m in for. I can’t force him to leave although I have no idea why he is staying other than he thinks he can outlast me and end up with my property. I owned it when we got married, and it has never been put in his name, but he wants it, that’s all he ever wanted from me. 16 years I believed him, so call me weak, he isn’t the sweet person everyone thinks he is and I am not the bad one here. Thanks for all of you, without this website I would be fighting this completely alone. You are my lifeline.

Reply
Guy

I am dealing this right now with a roommate. A lot of people have noticed this behavior from him and they are telling me I should leave. I finally made the decision to start packing my stuff and start a new life without him. When I am around him I start feeling angry and tense, but when I am not I find I am calm, happy and myself. He always has to be right and gets mad at little things. But when I try to correct him on his mistakes he’s mister perfect. He also likes to give lectures to me when I don’t do things his way. He also constantly asks me for money and never pays back unless I start threatening the friendship, then he will try to act all innocent. I had enough.

Reply
B

You’re doing the right thing. Walk away. I experienced this the past 3 months and some of the people on this comment post are like noo, everyone acts like this. But no, we don’t. We are just intelligent enough to be able to spot when something isn’t healthy for us.

Reply

I it nice to no what type of person we facing in our daliy life what ever is we have to face it and try to solve daliy and face it so that our life will go tro what ever is life in nothingnto fear always our mind must think only good so everything we dream wil come true we are god children our soul is spirt and mind come to god what is given will be taken back thats way always our mind is control never control by evil false person and get brain wash and ruin it same thing allows in politics we must remember that what ever they do for us and choose the right person to ruler the world people can talk what they do and say if they done any mistake in past it must be forgive and think want is he doing now rather talking the past spoiling they future always keep u mind a control before u choose the right person thats also goes to choose to have life patner

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Join our newsletter

We would love you to follow us on Social Media to stay up to date with the latest Hey Sigmund news and upcoming events.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This