Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.
Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.
Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.
We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realise something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.
Can I fix it?
All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:
- moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
- you avoid each other more and more;
- work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.
If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.
Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.
What are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?
Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.
Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.
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It feels bad. All the time.
You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you are eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.
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You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.
Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions become traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements become traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.
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You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.
We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.
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There’s no effort.
Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’
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All the work, love, compromise comes from you.
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.
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When ‘no’ is a dirty word.
‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.
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The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are.
One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.
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There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.
You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.
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Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.
These are deal-breakers. You know they are.
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Too much passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.
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Nothing gets resolved.
Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.
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Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.
In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’
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Privacy? What privacy?
Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constant supervision.
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The lies. Oh the lies!
Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.
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Big decisions are for important people. And clearly, you’re not one of them.
If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.
I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?
If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.
And finally …
There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.
Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.
Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there.
Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that.
It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
Great read! I was thinking of the 80/20 rule. Giving 80 percent all the time but only expecting 20 percent. In reality, in any relationship there will be hard times. It is completely unavoidable and you will do and say things you don’t mean.
With that being said, there is a difference between hard times and a toxic relationship. I think you hit on some very good points that explain the difference.
I’ve been dating this girl for a while. Seriously wondering if it’s worth it anymore.
I had a shitty childhood with shitty parents who left me both physically and mentally damaged.
Abuse was an everyday thing.
She also had a bad childhood and bad early adulthood as a result of that childhood.
We can’t drink together without something going wrong. Yet she keeps getting drinks.
I hate seeing her drink so much that I drink too in order to cope with it.
There’s more than that but it just keeps adding up. It’s made me more bitter than I was before and I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Is this a thing that can be fixed? Because I need answers.
not, it can not. move on and go to rehab.
hey, i know what its like for her because im that way too. i think she needs all the love and support possible make her feel cherished.
my boyfriend wont give me any attention and the more i talk about our problems the more he grows distant and i feel like it adds up on him and i feel like its all my fault . the more i cry the more he yells at me and the more he yells at me the more i cry . its gotten to a point where i cant even cry anymore. he made me so happy but idk what to do anymore i want to end it for my sake but im too scred im making a big mistake. every day that passes he grows more distant. i hate getting so attached to people nd i hate pretending like i dnt care when i care so much. he says he loves me but wont show it, hes bailed on me for his friends too.
Hi,i have a problem with my boyfriend. I just read this signs, if I am in toxic relationship and all of them suits to us. Always when we watch movie or something he say his opinion on that movie and then i say it, and if it’s not the same as his, then he went angry, and starts to be mean to me, that i hurt him because i dont have the same opinion. I can’t say anything to him. Or, He is jelouse, too much. He saw me to talk to our friend and he start telling me that i am whore and im cheating on him and this stuff. Or, he always lie to me where his going, like two weeks ago, he told me that hes going to his friend on cigarette, and i check his fb, and i saw him to write one of his best girl friends, that he will be outside in 5 minutes. Like i trust him. And i trust his friends but this is all suspicious. And its not happend for the first time. Or, when we argue i go away and he never go for me or go apologise. It’s always me who do everything. And i dont know. I try break up with him. But he dont let me leave.
Try going to rehab individually and coming back with possibly couples therapy. If things persist….then no – move on
Everyone is going through worst then me but..I’m just a kid. 11 maybe? Yeah, u h- I’ve got a problem with my friend. I wouldn’t tell him my crush and he said “Fine don’t tell me you just don’t trust me” UGHHH- I already have Social-anxiety.. And maybe trust issues? And no, this is not a “Phase”. I’ve been already been avoiding a lot of people can’t feel how long I can do this.. feel very social in public and sad enough I’ve been thinking to kill myself..But hey! Life is just hard..Right?
Hi I hope you’re okay and please tell someone you trust in your family or a counsellor about how you are feeling. Please.
I am currently in the most toxic relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. Everyday I want to die because I just can’t win with my boyfriend. I have found myself totally dependent upon him and he keeps me at a defeated place spiritually, emotionally and especially financially. I can’t work, I can’t have friends. I can’t visit my family. I can’t even be alone without him calling me a cheating whore every 10 minutes yet I’ve been completely loyal and faithful to him. I’m empty and it hurts like hell to be degraded over shit I don’t do when I would really love to be praised for what I am instead. I don’t know how to leave him and survive. Sometimes I’d rather not survive. Thank you for this article. it’s perfect and I had no idea someone else in this world could relate so much to my life or even understand.
I have the most toxic ever this man does drugs, He has been persueing me for over three years and I wouldn’t give him the time of day! Finally after three years I woke up one day and I had these overwhelming feelings for him! Once I told him I liked him all hell broke loose. He told me he would never hurt me, treat me bad and leave me. And he hasn’t held up to one of those statements. He leaves for three to five days a week don’t call me texted me nothing. When he comes to see me he is so sweet and it makes up for everything! He’s always extremely tired fall asleep for two days, gets up and disappears for another two to five days! Swears he not fucking around on me! Then i find out that he’s signing up for dating website over 27 of them and in his tell us something about you he states that he’s in a difficult relationship and he’s looking for love. I mean wtf is up with that He says hes stop those website but has he really! It’s going on seven months now and he hasn’t shown any signs of slowing up his disappearing act. He tells me why don’t you come with me one day and ill show you what i do all night! I love him more than he deserves.. Im just enabling him to do this ive never closed my door on him! Cause i just can”t i dont want any feed back i know what i gotta do kick him to the curb!!
It will continue to be a neverending spiral …I’ve been thru two of these…
This article is the Holy Grail. It really puts in perspective the reasons why I had to leave my relationship of three and half years. We met online and hit it off straight away (both going through a divorce and with young children). We talked for hours, went out a lot, traveled. He was interesting, sweet and affectionate. He was ‘careful’ with money and insisted on going Dutch every time but I didn’t mind, given his other qualities. Then, seemingly overnight, he became this other person. Or I guess the person that he was in the first place but managed to hide whilst we were still dating. His thriftiness became stinginess. We stopped going out. I cooked for him, bought the wine, several times a week, but he never felt he had to contribute or return the favour in any way. What made it harder to accept is that I am a single mum of three kids on a modest salary and he is an investment banker who makes eight times what I do. No kidding. In the name of saving money, he also never wanted to do anything, and the very few gigs we went on, I had to organise and paid for. He was happy staying in, eating my food, drinking my wine and renting movies he fancied…on my account. Once he invited me and the kids to his house (a rare event) for a barbecue and asked me to contribute financially to it. For birthdays and Christmases he gave me books, and seemed unfazed by the vast disparity in value with what I gave him (Montblanc pens, Apple watches, designer clothes). Whenever I tried and talked about his cheapness, his response was always passive-aggressive, dismissive or patronising.
The nail in the coffin was when he started making plans about our future together (all on his terms) and casually talked about what ‘we’ should do with my inheritance: my parents’ holiday home sold and something ‘more suitable’ bought in its place. So controlling as well as stingy.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I dreaded seeing him and hated sacrificing my precious little time off serving him. When I left, he had the cheek of calling me a failure, in virtue of my modest middle management job and salary. Nevermind I spent every last penny of it on him! A real life Mr Scrooge 🙁
With me my girlfriend heard a rumour that I was cheating on her with someone I dont really know and now she is thinking ever since Saturday it been getting a lot of tension between us since than and I’ve been given her space txting her twice to three times a day and she keeps crying and thinking what should I do?…
I am in love with a person who also have a relation with someone else and he hides all this from me. I know he talks to her every day and when i ask he always do not answer my question, its been 1 year with him but it is getting worse , that another girl is keep on demotivating ,me by saying me his time pass or just a temporary happiness his life. He even do not accept me in front of her because she is with him from his college time and he told me that she is his friend, i trusted him but now she trying to put me down by abusing my relationship. I am deeply in love with him and when i ask him he always say he loves me but i do not know how to tackle with this situation.
Every day i am getting mad on him everyday fights and abuse just made me so depressed i cannot concentrate on career.
I am from different community and that another girl is from his own community and keep on saying me that he will never be with me , i am just his temporary happiness.She always trying to put me down and i am getting demotivating and lake of confidence. I want yo get rid from all of this.
I do not know what to do please help me with this.
i want to be happy , stress free and depression free.
Hi Jot,
This sounds similar to my own situation. but I’m the other woman that you are upset is ruining and diminishing the happiness and peace you deserve with your partner. I’m curious to know what you mean by she is of his community, and they knew each other from college/ what is your relationship to him, why would it seem less important in these ways?
so my current boyfriend and I are in a toxic relationship but he won’t allow me to leave. We tried setting good boundaries but within a day, he broke 3 of them. I can’t make him see my point of view, even though I always see his point of view. How do I make him see that we are at the point where we just need to stop dating?
I just read this bc of a argument this morning . Im now dating my bestfriend of 9 years and it has become horrible. Like who is he. He use to protect defend and build me up no matter what.
So far he has cheated on me w ex and said it was my fault bc I wS showing him sexaual attention but we were arguing all the time. We broke up and I got back with my ex and he did to. Then months later we tried again and now he leaves early in the morning on weekend i wake up he’s gone. He keeps his phones in him like they are gold if i was to even touch them. He says he’s not cheating talking to or meeting anyone etc. Etc. Etc. But come on. We recently got arguing bad and he called me a fat f%$k and that crushed me he bought me a chanel bag and told me it was a guilt gift for the name. I was in a car accident years ago and shattered some teeth but im o. A med. That excellerates decay. My teeth have got bad and my dentist said I neec to remove and get a permanent plate bc they are so damaged at the root that not worth trying to fix and do multiple root canals etc
Well the other day I took a friend to a wfare office and someone there looked at me crazy bc tbey thought o was picking up a assistant check and I got into a new a8 audi and they kinda gave me a look like really and he said they were probably wondering why u got car instead of your mouth fixed. It’s his car. Like that hurt. He told me I was a bad friend this morn. And I said u have nerve youveade it so everytime I look in the mirror I see a fat toothless slob who deserved to get cheated on. I take care of his ne his elderly father animals laundry etc a while going to my house every other day to love and feed my cat. Bc ge doesn’t want her here. My ac broke and ge had a air conditioner thats been in a box for 2 years collecting dust but ge would not hook that one up give me the old one to put at my house so my elderly cat would be comfortable. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO. I have isolated myself complete I don’t talk , go. Or support myself at all anymore so if I leave im going toba real struggle. He payed the last 6 months of b rent and till nov for me but other than that I’m i. A bad position. Advice please….
Thank u
Me and my boyfriend are working in the same company. Before he chase after me, he is on very close terms with another female colleague, such as daily lunch partner (only the two of them) and they also knock off together, sharing a close intimate relationship. After i am officially his girlfriend, about 4 months later, they do not hang out during lunch or knock off work together. I am not sure why but i always very insecure if the female colleague comes and look for him for work issues. Cause my boyfriend will be very eager to help her out and giving her attention although the task is assigned to her by our boss and not to my boyfriend. Not sure how do i untie this knot in my heart. Hope to have useful advices here.
Well I can say for sure I have experienced a lot of toxic traits in the last four years of my relationship. Lying, manipulation, gas lighting, continually being cheated on, told how disgusting I am, emotional/verbal abuse and some physical as well. Gave tons of money to my husband when he wanted or needed it and basically demanded I give it to him or would throw huge tantrums in public. Finally I’ve reached a point where I admit I have chose to stay after being blackmailed/threatened but I don’t have sex with him because he cheats continuously, when he talks it goes in one ear and out the other, I don’t pay attention to him and do the bare minimum in this relationship. I use to be afraid to voice my feelings because who would always say I was trying to argue or always in a bad mood, none of my feeling ever mattered, none of my pleas for his drug or alcohol addiction or sex addiction were ever addressed. The reality is I just don’t care anymore, could care less, and sometimes I can relate to being the one stonewalling or withholding or being passive aggressive. But honestly I don’t care I’m numb and only stay because I’m cornered by not having a place to live with my kids and I don’t want them to be parented by this man child alone.
I’ve been in my relationship for 6 years now. The first few months were beautiful! Until I started seeing yellow flags. But when I noticed I found out I was 3 months pregnant with our 1st child together. When I told him he was so disappointed. He just kept telling me I told you I didn’t want this. He has 5 children outside of me & I have 2 kids not by him. That was my first yellow flag. My whole pregnancy I was going through it. I’ve already been through domestic violence but I think my mistake was telling him I was a victim of it. I went to a phych ward the 1st pregnancy and was put down in so many ways my 2ñd and 3rd. Three out of five of my children we’re in NICU due to stress, depression and domestic violence. Before I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was done! But he wouldn’t let me leave I was trapped. I have no family or friends to run to. I broke up with him over and over. Well I tried to.. I got lost and was confused and started talking to other people. This guy seen me in pain and wanted to try to help me. I ended up catching feeling and you know how that goes. My kids father found out and it didn’t end well at all. Mind you our kids are seeing all of this. At this point I’m beating myself up and trying to hurt myself. Questioning myself. Why? Why can’t a man just love you for you?
We get into it over Sex and affection. But I don’t want it I’ve been hurt so much I’m just drained. I tell him NO I don’t want it & I’m still forced. So much has happened in between the years. I can’t even write it all. I don’t want to be the victim or any of that. I just want to know if I’m wrong for feeling the way I feel. I gave this man me, my trust, love, children, shelter..
Now here were today, Nose is broken and my kids screaming asking us to stop fighting. I just want to move on and be happy. My kids don’t deserve this! Am I wrong for trying to move on?? I mean we get into arguments over him getting no sleep. But I don’t understand I get no sleep. We have 5 children who are under 9.
I am definitely in a toxic relationship, I have lost myself become depressed and even became suicidal. He broke me and left me everytime I needed him. He holds are relationship hostage and uses my last mistakes to disregard his own. We cannot communicate. I dont get any validation or appreciation when I have gave this man all of me not only to him but to his daughter. It caused me to become something im not and just make dumb mistakes that I ended up paying the price for by myself and was left alone to repair my own feelings about why I made those mistakes as a reaction to how he treats me. Its like yea i feel like I’ve given to much to leave but its literally killing me to stay.
well how do I get out of it? I’m afraid of I try to end things they’re going to hurt themselves or do something.
The hard part is letting go, especially because of the love you have for your significant other and the time you have been together. I, myself, am having trouble with my boyfriend. I do not want to let him go, you know. He has been there with me during my darkest moments in life. He is my everything, you all; I love him so much. I am tearing up. I do not want to lose him. Yeah, there are many people out there, but there are no other people like him.
I totally understand. I am in the exact same position. Focus on you and don’t worry about him. It’s so hard bur freeing once you turn the attention back on yourself. Hugs to you.
I totally understand how you feel. I love my boyfriend so much and there are so many wonderful things in him but he has another side, a broken and sometimes toxic one. I can’t seem to walk away but in my heart I know it can’t last without me sacrificing parts of myself.
omg i hurts so bad i love my boyfrined but he grew distant and gets mad at me for expressing my emotions to him because he thinks i dont trust him when im simply just overthinking. he bailed and lied to me to hang out with his friends. he said his mom said we cant see eachother till his grades get better. whenever i cry he goes silent and distnt and pretends like nothing happened. he trys to avoid my feelings and then when i dont tell him my feelings he gets mad at me for hiding them. hes tried breaking up with me for hiding my emotions. we use to call every day and now its once a week. and he texts once every hour and is a 1 word text. i cry daily over the man i had fallen in love with is gone. i want to do whats right for my mental health but i love him so much im too scared that im making the wrong choice. i feel like he simply wont care or will just make up a lie i might beleive becauseidk if its true or not. i just wanna be okay agian nd not feel like dying every day because not only am i dealing with that im dealing with mentaly abusive mother who keeps me at the desk for 10 hours day and takes my phone which s my only way to talk to people in the pandemic. my grades are low, every day is the same, i cry, i sleep, and i tru to get through just another day. what do i do…
Currently I’m in a 10 yr relationship been lied to, and cheated on now I’m seeing the toxic signs the more I pay attention to his patterns whenever we get into a argument, which are normally sparked by me voicing my hurt or feelings about something, i used to just keep my feelings bottled but i refuse too anymore however the outcome is always “passive aggressive self-pity” which never resolves my hurt or feelings its almost as though I just don’t matter like im not allowed to be human and have a moment of weakness i love him but lately my heart just feels so empty and i don’t want to leave but I’m not whole here I just want to feel loved, please help
Some guys will not change until you’re gone. He thinks you won’t leave him and he thinks you are wrapped around his finger, that gives him power to control you and mentally abuse you. He thinks because you have tried to find good in him that means that he can do whatever and you will stick around and be there. Make a change, if he isn’t willing to change for you than he will. Your time is valuable, you never know when your last day is going to be. You wouldn’t want to spend it with somebody who has ruined your trust in every way possible.
Hi, I understand totally where you are coming from I’m in a 23 year old relationship and over the past 7 years i feel like the toxicity and the arguments are all that this relationship is built on, We no longer have sex, I have never cheated and they are never game regardless how much I try, I’m currently at breaking point, I feel like all the effort comes from me, I do everything in the house and they are badly done to if I ask them to put the vacuum away or pass me a bag for the bin…
This article hit home to me. Ive been in this relationship for 4 years going on 5 soon. Man does it feel like 30 though. It makes me wonder if he read this article if he would think the same or feel the same towards me. Im at the point where idk who is the toxic one, but before all this life was a lot easier, I was way more mentally and emotionally their .now I have a daughter and need to show her what is tolerable and what isn’t. I have my own baggage for sure, but at least I’ve always tried to work on it and move forward, not blame the whole world.
@britt, I just left a 23-year long marriage with a man I loved to eternity and had three children with. I was suffocating and found things were not going to change. I was building the entire bridge each time, he never met me halfway. I didn’t think that I could survive financially away from him and I was worried about the effect it could have on our three girls to leave the marriage. From the day I woke up and realized the life was being sucked out of me, I started planning financially then emotionally. Reading articles like this one showed me the patterns, the weapons manipulators use, and that I can say “No more”! I drew the line. Of course that came with his wrath to follow but I knew what to expect and how to react. Which most of the time was to “not react”. It’s a waste of time to try and “fix” things after trying for over 5 years. These emotional manipulators are toxic and will continue to sick the life out of you. Free yourself! But do it wisely. Start praying and planning. God bless…
Are you guys married? If not, it’s easier to just leave tbh. Time will help you move on but tbh you deserve better and you are worthy of respect and real love. You’re not the problem, he is. If he doesn’t want to listen or change, then there’s your answer. No shame. If he’s willing to change then give ut a real chance but don’t waste a decade if he doesn’t change. Imo
hi britt, your comment hit home with me. i completely understand what ur going thru.. i’ve been in a on and off relationship for almost 8 years. this man has put me thru pure hell. he always tried to come back and i take him back everytime.. he tried to say sweet things in the heat of the moment to make me forget why i was even mad at him in the first place. i don’t know what else to do i feel completely broken. bc he’s cheated on me in the past and i always feel like he is i have no trust in him it’s completely gone. i just don’t know where to turn to but reading ur situation feels like we’re in the same boat.
Just move on. You’re worth way more than that guy’s attention. Find happiness in yourself and I’m sure you will find the right guy. Believe me these type of guys will never stop cheating and feeling self pity, they are very manipulative. Take your insecurity away and love yourself first. Your beautiful I’m sure there is another guy waiting for you. Stop wasting time and energy with that one. God bless you
Hello I deal with a silent ego from my boyfriend every day.We moved into kolkata rented home after a long distance relationship its been 6-7 months ago and it wasent long before I noticed some serious issues with him. The main issue is he cannot have partnered sex as a result of his porn addiction and his lies habits. I have tried to bring it to his attention by doing makeup, grooming and he seems to be in denial, dull, blaming me. I have caught him watching porn or checkout girls and doing all the things which I don’t like numerous times after he told me he stopped all. It really hurts to wake up in the middle of the night or early morning and catching him n the couch or washroom looking at women on dating sites/websites or watching porn or something I don’t like, he is on the phone all day even when I am right there behind him and ask/tell something or try to put some effort for some conversations. He obviously new about this addiction and allowed me to fall for him. I have built up so much animosity towards him. We don’t even touch each other in bed, if he feels like his pants really needs something then he will allow him to touch me! he never tells me when I look nice, he never tries to feel me good, in fact he can not tell me he’s in love with me. Reading this article has convinced me it’s time to end the toxic relationship.
Surely I will try to end this very soon.
Thank you.
But how do I know whether it’s all in my head? The most annoying thing is his distant attitude, it’s especially difficult when the only interactions are via messages. I tried to walk away, but he contacted, now I’m quite done, just need to give myself strength and love
Hello I deal with a distant attitude from my boyfriend every day. He moved into my home 4 years ago and it wasent long before I noticed some serious issues with him. The main issue is he cannot have partnered sex as a result of his porn addiction. I have tried to bring it to his attention and he seems to be in denial, blaming me. I have caught him numerous times after he told me he stopped. It really hurts to wake up in the middle of the night and catching him n the couch looking at women on dating sites or watching porn. He obviously new about this addiction and allowed me to fall for him. I have built up so much animosity towards him. We don’t even touch each other in bed, he never tells me when I look nice, in fact he can not tell me he’s in love with me. Reading this article has convinced me it’s time to end the toxic relationship.
This is SO spot-on. It gives me all the confidence now to seek better companions in life. My best friend, Sybian, recommends I look a bit closer at my relationships to find this toxicity.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years now. It started off perfect we travelled a lot and made many memories. Both of us made mistakes along the way to break each others trust. For the past year my heart has just not been in it. I feel completely disconnected and see him more as a best friend.
He has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts since I first met him yet they only seem to rear their head when we argue/I try to break up. The last time I tried to break up with him he grabbed a knife and ran and locked himself in the bathroom, made sounds as if he was sobbing of course I screamed and cried alongside him and begged him to let me in. When he finally did, there wasn’t a single tear on his face. Although I know he has depression I feel like sometimes he uses it to manipulate me and get what he wants.
He shows his true colours when angry, screaming shouting swearing calling me names. He has an incredibly sharp tongue then moments later when he sees I’m getting upset and mention not wanting this relationship anymore he will somehow find a way to make himself the victim time and time again. Then come the apologies and tears and then before I even realise it, I’m consoling him.
I care for his physical well-being over my own mental well-being. The idea of him potentially hurting himself over this relationship ending makes me think I should just suck it up and stay with him incase one day he were to actually do something because ultimately it would be my fault. I know that I could never live with myself if anything were to ever happen to him at the hands of me just wanting to break up.
He posts about me a lot on his social media trying to create this facade of a perfect life. He lives to one up his ex and her current relationship. I hate it so much because I tell my friends about how I love and care for him dearly but I’m not sure if I’m IN love anymore, how I don’t know how to get away without hurting his feelings and then in turn him hurting himself, I tell them what he says when we argue and send them voice notes of his screaming and then the next day he’ll post a picture of us talking about how he can’t wait for his next adventure with his babygirl. But I guess all that glitters is gold?
Hi Anon, is being over a year since your post so I am not sure if you will read my reply. Maybe now you have moved on, but if you haven’t, please understand that depression is a disease, not a tool to threat others. No person with depression goes around screaming they are going to kill themselves while listing the reasons (on his case he claims you would be the reason for committing suicide). He cannot control you as much as you cannot control him. What he will do if you break up with him is out of your control. He knew when he initiated a relationship with you that it might or it might not work out. Maybe he had other relationships before… I hope you have ran away as fast as possible.
I am the toxic one and it hurts me so bad. I always blame myself why I am feeling so unloved and taken for granted because its also the result of the things tbat I have done I acted like a wife where in fact I am just a Girlfriend. ☹️
Hi I’d really like some help. I’ve recognised that I was the toxic person in the relationship which has recently broken up… I’ve suffered from depression and emotional instability and tots has affected my relationships… I don’t know how to move forward. My ex still cares for me but he needed out.. I was never nasty or abusing, or controlling just very sensitive to when I didn’t get attention so he often felt he couldn’t do enough because I felt needy and he didn’t feel that I was happy a lot of the time.. but our connection was amazing and when things good amazing which he recognised.. but he didn’t feel secure, there was trust issues and he didn’t feel good about himself…. I’m heartbroken and really stuck as I know my behaviours would self destruct and I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had with the most amazing caring funny open man ever… I just want to end it all and can’t see how I’m ever going to get over it and regret so much but I couldn’t change those behaviours at the time… I’d really appreciate some help 🙁
Do not allow guilt to control your life. I would recommend seeking professional help so you can get the tools to deal with the ossues you have presented. Once you are feeling stronger and more stable you can revisit being in a relationship. Sometimes we need to be on our own to work things out. And thats ok! I hope this helps. And remember: if the person truly loves you they should be understanding.
Good lcuk and stay strong.
I’m in a toxic relationship. I have noticed patterns. My kids are getting the brunt of it. She acts like I am the culprit but all I want is peace. She is jealous of my kids and says I’m the one who can change it. She is so toxic she tells me she doesn’t feel part of the family but always removes herself when my kids are around. If I even have a conversation with one of them she accuses me of hiding something. It’s ridicules.
im in a relationship with this girl and we are happy but we are long distance when i go visit my misses she loves it and when i go home and spend time with the boys she says i dont love her anymore when i play games at her house she wont play and gets mad at me but wants me to just sit and watch movies all day and when i take out the trash ive told her to put another bag in while i take it out and she wont what do i do
*sorry also is this toxic i have a dream of being a musician but my girl doesnt really seem to care and also whenever i talk deeply with her about her dreams she says she has none
Hi Marie, Your partner/wife is not alone. It is very difficult to feel part of a family when in reality she is simply watching a family. It should not be: “me and my kids” and her; it should be: “you and her” and your kids.
You have children, but you want to be in a relationship. You and her need to be a team. Blended families are no different than traditional families, in which couples must work together for the kids, both opinions must count, otherwise: why to create a blended family if you are sufficient with your children? Which is not a bad thing, but your partner has the right to fill happy and involved at all times with you, even when you have your children.
So many women talk on the internet of how lonely they feel in their blended family when their spouse is with the kids… your partner is not alone and she is right: only you can change it.
I just got out of a toxic relationship with my boyfriend. I broke up with him because I told him I was questioning my gender (I know I’m trans but I said this to test the waters). I was very shocked by his transphobic response. He said things like, “You’re nothing but a girl,” or, “This is a problem and lucky for you I’m optimistic, so I’ll help you fix it.” These responses made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt trapped in the relationship before I even told him any of this. We had good memories together and we were good friends before we started dating. I really miss him, but i know i made the right decision. Sadly, however, my friends keep inviting me to things that he’s at. I keep telling them I’m not ready to see my ex again (IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS, GIVE ME A BREAK). Someone please give me advice or something. I don’t know what to do!
Please carry on with distancing yourself, no matter how hard that is. Time really does heal and you will look back one day and be glad you finished with him. Your friends need to understand how you feel and be a bit more tactful. Maybe invite you and not him to some things. Be good to yourself and know you are worth more than this.
i am still in a relationship with the sweetest guy, who would swirl the world around for me, but he has some issues with my guy friends. Back in highschool, how any teens would do, I did the same. I would enjoy house parties and everything, hugging my friends, being friendly and nice. All of a sudden, he doesnt like any male figure around me. I did few times hide talking to my guy friends, but I am not allowed to talk to guys from my high school or my friend group at all because he thinks they are rich spoilt brats and ” has no limit”. Besides that, he always have problem how I dress. I am still in college, I wanna make the most out of every experience, and he would have to hamper it. I love dancing, and now I am not allowed to dance, unless its a classical dance, I mean, who does classical dance here in college? he has problems where I grew up, how my friends are, how my mother is, etc. He tends to say I come from a posh family with no sense of responsibility, whereas the truth is, it is all very new to me.
I have been with him for 2 years, I am just not sure what to do.
Not the sweetest guy. A controlling guy who’s only going to get worse. The “do anything for you” is an act. Run!
I am with my bf for two years now and since we moved in together a lot has changed. It’s not so easy anymore bc I’m a really clean person and he’s not so we try to compromise on things. He never told me that he wanted more space or that he was unhappy. Now he’s texting another girl the whole time which made me suspicious and I found out he just wanted to wait till our lease expires and then move out on his own to let our relationship die out. I never have felt this much for a person before and I always tried to make it work. I feel like I did to much and put too much effort into the relationship and lost myself in the process to please him. Everytime we argue I feel like I’m the toxic part because I tend to be very emotional but I feel like when I feel this way it’s not out of nothing but km sirlk getting gaslighted like it’s wrong to Adress the problem at all. Idk what to do about all of this now. It’s so messed up and I just wanna be myself around him but I feel like it’s too much for him.
Leave him and do what you want to do.college is a good place to start to discover who you are and what you want out of life. Do not allow him to dictate what you can do and who you can see. In abusive relationships the partner will always start by isolating you from friends and family so that you are more vulnerable and easier to control. Do not elt it get that far. Stay strong and good luck.
Hi I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 8 years I was so happy for 6 0f those years then my life as I new it came tumbling down I found out he has been cheating for four of those years on dating sites on hook up sites having sex with heaps of women I want to walk away but I love him. He want have sex with me now an always on porn sites an know that he still in contact with women what do I do
I laughed several times reading this, as it’s very colorfully written – but sadly I also realized that I recognize myself in all 15 points.
The only thing being number 1. It doesn’t feel bad ALL the time. When we have good moments, they’re really good. But the bad moments, which are so frequent, sometimes several times a day, it’s horrible. He gives me the silent treatment for hours, gets disproportionately angry over the smallest things and constantly accuses me of cheating, wants to control my phone and even stalking my friends on Facebook, doesn’t respect my limits but keeps pushing me to do things, sexually as well, and he basically ignores me and plays video games all day unless he wants a massage or sex. My gosh this relationship is so damn toxic. I realized that a long time ago, but even more after reading this. I need to get outta here
Girllllll. You are worth SO much more than that! You need to get your shit together and find someone who will REALLY love you! Love is commitment. I’m sorry sweetie but he doesn’t love you. If he did he would put you first! There’s DEFINITELY someone out there who can make you laugh, smile, feel loved AND beautiful and truly love you and not cheat! I’ve been cheated on and I know the feeling and the pain and all the tears but you need to boss up! Get some friends to help you through it. It’s too hard of a battle to fight alone!! I’m here for you!!!
Your partner might be a sex addict… Have you addressed the problem with him? Have you seeked out professional help? If you are uncomfortable sexually this is a big issue and shouldnt be ignored. Sexual abuse doesnt happen in “set scenarios” – it can happen in long term relationships as well.
I have been married for 12 years and have three daughters. The initial two years with my wife were good. But after that it has been a constant blaming and shaming for every small little thing. She knows i love my mother very much, so whenever she is fighting or shouting at me she will find a way to bring her in the conversation and ridicule her. I have told her so many times to not shout and fight in front of the children and talk behind closed doors but she shouts so much that even my neighbors know everything and every time i end up consoling her after such outbursts even when i feel demeaned just to make things better for the kids. She will always tell me that i havent done anything for her although i spend more on her rather than myself so that she doesnt feel upset. She abuses in the nastiest of words and lately i have not been feeling well mentally and physically. My children are getting affected and i just dont know what to do. She has a problem with almost all my friends and closed ones and i dont have a social life at all and she will call up constantly even when i am in office just to check what i am doing. Recently, i talked to her family about it but still she doesnt realises her mistakes and is upset about me talking to her family. At home i always feel uncomfortable around her as i do not know what she will say next on every small and big thing. Please guide me what i should do next because once i talked about breaking up amicably she became more aggressive and then after a day she was all tears that i love u so much and after seeing me a little indifferent she tripped again. It feels i am trapped and cannot breathe. Please help!
Hi I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 8 years I was so happy for 6 0f those years then my life as I new it came rumbling down I found out he has been cheating for four of those years on dating sites on hook up sites having sex with heaps of women I want to walk away but I love him. He want have sex with me now an always on porn sites an know that he still in contact with women what do I do
Find your inner women and leave, no man should ever make you look so dumb. Your time is worthy of a guy who will make you feel like a queen and show you that there is nothing to be worried about. That guy your with has already damaged you and left a emotional scars, it takes you to leave .
I’ve been in a relationship with the same guy for 12 years we started dating really young about 13 years old got pregnant at 15! Moved in with him and parents after finding out I was pregnant.. His family always very supportive with me and very helpful I have the best brother/sister in laws. He loves working & I love that about him because now days so many guys are lazy… He is very smart when it comes to pretty much anything! Always helps me when my car breaks down knows how to cook great! He’s handsome however he always gets mad at me for any little thing he did cheat on me around 5 years ago and that really crushed me! Ever since that our relationship changed! I don’t trust him but it’s like he doesn’t trust me either(even tho he’s the one that cheated) he doesn’t let me go any where sometimes he gets mad if I’m not home when he’s back from work even if I just went to the store to grab something I needed for dinner! Sometimes I get invited out to dinner or to have a drink I never bother on going because he will say that’s not ok! Also SEX he always wants to be having sex! Even if we do it 2 times a day if he asks me to do it one more time & if we don’t then his mad at me! Most of the time I don’t even enjoy our sex! Now we have 2 kids together! Not sure what to do. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same whole & not sure how to move on…
Sweetheart he’s jealous and won’t let you go anywhere because he is probably still cheating and projecting his bad behavior towards you. Usually cheaters just get better at cheating. He is actually mad at his behavior and can’t stand that you are such a good girl and since he associated with or still associates with whores he may think that secretly you behave that way too. I was married to someone like this. I loved his family too. Unfortunately after many years. (We were together from 15-45…) when I finally left because it takes several times to try to leave. I’m finally gone now three years divorced for 5 and I look at it like recovery. His family dropped me like a bad habit which broke my heart. So beware of that because someone created him and made him like this. Those same people you think are looking out for your best interest? But they’re probably only worried about his. Remember that, my ex in-laws put my ex above everything including their own grandkids ! It’s sad so don’t give these people so much credit. Just leave, get a degree or some trade or training and go. Secretly get on a list for housing etc. leave the area your in anything. I personally met another man not my type but he’d the love of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t have his children and that were in our fifties and I could have had a better life with a much more caring person. Oh and he the new guy dabbled around on dating sites unbeknownst to me at the beginning of our relationship. I found out and dumped him ASAP. He told me everything. He is honest , shows remorse, etc. big difference. I know I can trust him. You gotta be willing to walk or they will never respect you.xo
Also, sorry we’re engaged. That’s what a real man will do they will lock it down. Read Steve Harvey’s act like a lady think like a man. The sex all the time he may be a sex addict look that up too. I hated that my ex was so good looking, it made me feel insecure even though I’m good looking . But it sucks and sometimes it’s too much to deal with. The sex should be enjoyable for you both and you should be enjoying it. I love sex with my man and we do it almost every day but I don’t dread it like I did with my selfish ex telling me my belly is far or to get on top or talk dirty…he even brought a DVD player once on a camping trip to watch porn back before pornhub etc. and I was grossed out. Sex addicts are very discrete. I say keep your eyes peeled let him cheat who cares, and do what you want he’s not your husband ! Even if he was screw him . Get your ducks in a row and go and live your life. I’m sure your beautiful and kind and that’s why he is trying to keep you away from might steal you away and make you realize that he’s an ass.
I’ve been with a women for close to five years. I feel like this maybe a toxic relationship. At first things were great and then a pattern started to take place that I didn’t recognize at first but started to catch on after a while. Whenever this women is faced with conflict she will get very abusive and start to insult me. And when I come to her about how upsetting the comments are she will act like I have serious issues and that I need to deal with them on my own and that it is not her issue. We’ve gone to lots of therapy, singles and couples and when we go she never brings up any of the mean things she says during the conflict we experience. I’m beginning to have some break through a with personal therapy and am realizing that this women loves me when I keep everything to myself and don’t have an opinion. She will go way out of her way to avoid talking about the lack of connection we have and will get super mad and defensive if I bring up the fact that our relationship is not doing well. To be honest my mental health is suffering because of her and I’m close to separating because I feel like she doesn’t care about our relationship as much as I do.
I’ve taken a long inner look on my behaviours and will admit I can be challenging to be with but Geez, I’m starting to get burnt out and am feeling am feeling really lonely because she can’t talk openly about the issues in our relationship.
We have kids and I don’t want to break the home up but I’m drowning because of this . I’m so frustrated!
The weirdest part is , I think she thinks are relationship is really awesome when I don’t voice my opinions. Which I do to not cause problems .
It’s hard being the one that’s always wrong and that is always feeling, especially as a man.
Since you keep everything to yourself, I’ve got to ask: have you told her exactly this? Maybe you should forward her what you wrote here.
Fair question but the point is that if they are anything like my wife (sorry ex wife) you spend your life expressing in kindness and calm the concerns you have. There will be times when they “listen”, make promises, act rationally…to then slap you even harder with the same weapon the next time you dare to criticise them – and even use the fear or concern you had expressed against you. If they find a weakness, their way to control you is to go for that weakness. You worry about money, they will in the next argument use it against you. You worry about job security, they will threaten to lie about something so you lose your job, you worry about your children they will later threaten to take them away or to leave them with you, you worry about your parents they will later say “you should go and see your mother before it is too late…I had a dream about them”. These people leave you feeling you have no firm ground to stand on. Leave them!
I totally understand all of this. I am sorry that you have to go through all this. I feel in my relationship that if I just go with the flow and not let things bother me or voice it when things do that we will be okay. The minute I say something or show any emotion or uneasiness about something than the fights start.
She is the one who has issues, a relationship is a partnership in which you choose to spend your life with that person and you are open and nothing is suppressed. That’s unhealthy. I think she probably has much deeper issues than what you imagine and the likelihood is if she is forcing you to hide your issues she is probably doing the same which is what gave her these expectations for you. But she’s wrong you’re right, you should be expressive, and be 100% you around your partner and for them to be ok with that
Having similar issues here. She nags alot over small things. She doesn’t want me to express my feelings. I can’t even give opinions freely. She will find fault in me. We are 5yrs togeda without marriage but she has done greater tins to support me in the past. Now she is making me feel like I can survive or live my life without her. She doesn’t wanna go and she never stop making me a scape goat. Imagine she said she doesn’t like cardi b and I said some ladies like her tho. Her response was that am trying to tell her she is not educated. That statement rili didn’t go well with me cus why wud she tink to Dat extreme of she truly loves me. Cus wht I said was out of just funny moments not to backlash or abuse her. She abuse me alot and even slap me at will. Have never raise my hand on her but she has done that to me severally. Sometimes, I feel tired of living and feels like leaving dis WOLRD for her. Am rili fed up. Leaving her is difficult for me and we hvnt had any kid together
This is exactly my life. Instead of solving problems he walks away and says “im not arguing” which inturn leaves me feeling angry and wanting to argue and be heard but after a long time of being dismissed and being called “crazy” and “im not god” “i cant fix you” you start to doubt your own self and feelings and that is text book toxic. Im left feeling so small that i feel im floating through life to the point where i feel i cant even smile when im around my children bc im so broken down mentally and emotionally. Prime example this morning our 5 month old wakes up and my so called significant other wants to play golf all day welp get up with him please if im going to be expected to stay home all day. His response was to call me a tramp IMAGINE??? at this point i will not engage or defend myself anymore ive checked out of this relationship along time ago. Currently working on a way out! I feel sorry for any man or woman who has to live this way its so unhealthy.
I really need advice, I figured since I am googling “am I in a toxic relationship?” I probably am.
I have been with this guy for about 8 months, He has two kids 6 and 8. When we met he was going through a divorce and living with his parents. After about a month him and his kids moved in with me, he continued to talk to his ex every day and when I would get upset about it he would get mad and tell me it was always about the kids and I needed to be more secure (but he would only talk to her away from me like in the other room and sometimes for 20-45 min at a time). I have a son and an ex husband and we never talk for more than 10-15 min if needed.
After he moved in he got laid off from work, he received unemployment but I was paying all the bills and he would spend his money on ridiculous things and I would have to ask him multiple times to help with any bills. Recently he has started working but he now withdraws almost all and keeps cash which makes me think its so I don’t know what he’s spending his $$ on.
He also has confined in me that he needs help with a pain medicine addiction. On new years eve he left me crying on the porch in the rain begging him not to go and went and got some and then caused a big fight when I got upset about it. In a moment of weakness I texted my ex boyfriend just to come hang out and grab a drink. My boyfriend went through my phone and saw this, he freaked out and left and went and got more pain medicine which he thinks I don’t know about but I know the signs when hes on it.
He has wrote my best friend on facebook and hit on her, he immediately apologized to her after but never told me she had to tell me, but he thinks this is totally not in the same ballpark as me writing my ex boyfriend to come get a drink with me.
I know in reading this you think “isn’t this obvious” and even in the back of my mind I think that. But I love him so much, and he is so sweet and loving, but when I bring up the money thing I get “I spent all the money I had making our relationship good in the beginning and then I lost my job and you make me feel like shit for not having $$” and he points out how he can’t trust me since I texted my ex (I never actually did meet up with him btw). I just really want some advice. I know I am not perfect, every time I try to talk to him he gets defensive and its a big fight no matter what its about. I don’t know what to do because I really can’t see my life without him.
Love muffin how old are you? I’m 51 I was married to this guy for 27 years. He is a narcissist look it up watch some YouTube videos, etc. educate yourself. First of all my Mom always says no one falls in love faster than a man/woman without a home. Secondly, 8 months and him “going through a divorce. ? “ wait until they’re divorced, your a rebound! Thirdly, his little thing with your ex boyfriend is called projection and etc. and he is doing it to control you. My ex did this it’s called gaslighting. Hitting your friends up on FB, NO! Dealbreaker, he can tell you have no self esteem because a normal man/woman would not put up with this. I was there believe me and could throw up at my stupidity. GET AWAY there NOT YOUR KIDS! He’s a roommate and not a very good one at this point not even paying his share. I guarantee he’s probably still trying to get back with his exwife because of the kids. Private calls alone are because he is trying to canoodle her with little promises, etc. my ex called me on xmas and called me Baby a few times, and said sweet stuff probably dying for me to bite. Also, my ex was in and out of rehab for years and the nature of an addict is lies. You have to be a liar to be a addict, because everything s an illusion. Work on you, you have a place, he’s not paying, he’s got young kids, you will find a more suitable “PARTNER” not a secubus to leach off of you. I mean you are being used. Regards, my friend stay strong
I’ve been with this guy for almost 4 years. He is dominant, subtly trying to control everything. He is emotionally and physically abusive. He is extremely narcissistic, turning every conversation around to make himself look like a saint. He blames me for everything that goes wrong, and shows no appreciation for anything I do. He disrespects me, who I am, and finds something in the past to degrade me about. He threatens to leave the relationship when he doesn’t get his way. He doesn’t consider my needs/opinion on big decisions. He collects evidence to use against me at a later stage. He is completely unstable. He lies constantly. He manipulates everything to his advantage. He ticks all 15 signs above. The worst part is, he’s the father of my child – so I’m left with a choice of being a single mom, or tolerating his BS for assistance.
I’m in the same boat. Check where you live for a domestic violence shelter they should have resources to help you. Start journaling every thing!!! Narcissistic abuse is the hardest thing to prove but it can be done. When he starts his rants, record him. Just start building your case. Pay attention to the patterns also don’t get sucked into the “nice” phase. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better. I’ve been fighting my narc ex for 4 years and I finally just got an order of protection. There’s tons of support groups on Instagram as well. Good luck and hang in there. Xoxo
Good morning been there and 32 yrs layer I’m still here putting up with his b.s.. Do yourself and your baby a great deal and leave him. I’m to old (61)to leave now but wish i could have a 2nd chance and do all over again. I would get as far away from him i could. E even turned my child against me.
You are not too old. Get out of there and live your best life.
your never too old to leave you have put up with this gys bullshit for 32 years and where has it got you never think your too old to do anything especially too old to finally have a peaceful happy life because believe me once you step away from him you will never look back and 61 is only a number its how old you feel inside you deserve so much more take your power back stand on your own two feet and start having a life babe i take my hat of to you for being able to put up with whatever toxicness over the years but now it has to be about you girl i wish you all the luck and i hope i havent offended ypou in anyway i just read your post and well just wanted to say at 61 yr old you should be respected loved and proper appreciated just saying
Argh…everything you’ve written resonates with me so much. My soon to be ex lives with me and treats me the same way. He’s smart and articulate, so he’s able to spin things around to minimize the horrible verbal and emotional abuse he hurls my way, while making me appear crazy with anger management issues. The reverse blaming, manipulations, defensiveness, and vindictiveness are next level.
The most confusing and toxically addicting part of this relationship is AT TIMES, he’s genuinely able to be logical, empathetic, and diplomatic, which gives me FALSE hope that MAYBE he’s finally coming around. But those moments of clarity and fairness are SHORT LIVED before he dives back into HARSH, unfair, BIASED criticism and gaslighting.
There’s no reasoning or hope in dealing with someone who is this disturbed mentally and emotionally. He doesn’t see it nor will his ego let him admit it. His primary goal in life is to protect himself at all cost, and no one else’s needs really matters. He literally takes full advantage of my kindness, patience, self reflection and introspection so he can make me admit my faults and never fully own up to his.
I just need to GTFO because this cyclic toxic dance will NEVER end and will NEVER get better. It’s already corroding my self esteem and messing with my sense of right and wrong. I CAN’T stay. I’m sure I have my 100% in terms of accountability and things I could improve on, but I can’t and WILL NOT waste any more time or energy into this useless, endless, unhealthy, abusive, toxic, damaging relationship. Life is too short for this. We ALL know deep down how true healthy love should feel like. This is DEFINITELY NOT IT. I can’t get sucked back in again. He needs to GO. NOW.
my boyfriend he’s respectful ,he respects me my family and my beliefs but he doesn’t put in much work when it comes to me like he doesn’t plan to see me or spend time with me he wants to but he doesn’t do anything ,I’m not sure if he supports things that i do he wants me to do good but I’m not sure i know he brings out the happy in me but he also gets on my nerves and before i end it i want to know if I’m the toxic one so i can work on it i always question if he interested in somebody else i say i trust him but i still have a what if mindset ,i always think negative i try to think positive but the negative thoughts seem to be more powerful and it’ll affect my moods toward him and in general whenever on thing goes wrong i immediately think about ending it but i don’t be because i think I’m toxic i tell him how i feel but i don’t say the whole thing and get jealous over my what if thought like what if he looks at another girl or if he likes talking to them more than talking to me and ill question him but the with him he’s supportive but not ,he is lazy,and doesn’t put much effort into seeing me , he cheated in his last relationship and that has worried me but he says he don’t want to hurt me and that he wants to be better because he cant hurt me like that i think I’m toxic for example he called my sports team trash and i slapped him because immediately thought he doesn’t support me and he didn’t hug me before he left and it hurt my feelings so i thought about breaking up with him because i felt like he doesn’t support me and because he didn’t give me a hug am i toxic if so how do i help it