How to Help With Anxiety. What To Do When Someone Close to You Has Anxiety.

How to Help With Anxiety. What to do when someone close to you has anxiety.

If only anxiety was the well-worn jacket that could be loosened and thrown to the floor like an unwanted thing when someone was feeling warm enough, brave enough, sure enough and ready enough. People with anxiety are all of these things, but anxiety is persuasive and has a way of convincing the strongest mind otherwise.

An anxious mind is one that is strong and determined. Strength can give all of us the push from behind to move fiercely and fully into the world, or it can hold on, bear hug style, and make it hard to move, hard to think and hard to breathe. Anxiety does a lot of the latter. It has a way of making everything hard – even the feel-good things we humans were made for, like love and friendship. 

How to help with anxiety.

If you know someone with anxiety, it is likely that you will have experienced their beauty and richness first hand. They are the artists, the thinkers, the leaders, the musicians and the entrepreneurs. They are the ones who think of things that nobody else has, and the ones who can see the world in ways that are exciting, original and life-giving. They will move you, care about you and be there for you. The world will always work better because of them than it would without them.

Anxiety also has a way of making everyone feel helpless – those who are struggling with anxiety directly, and those who would do anything to help, if only they knew what that ‘anything’ was.

Here are some ways to support someone close to you through anxiety, that will make you seem as though you’re made of sunlight and beautiful things, with a little bit of magic thrown in. Not all of them will necessarily be relevant to your important person (and some will be important for all of us – anxiety or no anxiety). If you’re in doubt, ask them – it will mean a lot to know that you’re thinking about it.

  1. Know that you don’t have to fix anything.

    One of the most supportive things you can do is to be there – strong, steady and available. You don’t need to fix anything. Nothing is broken. Anxiety feels awful, but it is a strong response from an overprotective brain, not a broken one. You don’t have to fight their anxiety for them. They know if you would if you could, and that’s why they love you.

  2. Write this down …

    Telling someone with anxiety to ‘just get over it’, or that there’s no need to worry, is useless and will only feed into bad feelings, (‘I know there’s nothing to worry about – so why do I feel like this?!’). They would have told themselves to stop worrying a billion times before – probably a billion times today before breakfast – and it doesn’t land any differently when it comes from someone else. Anxiety isn’t a choice. It’s an instinctive fight or flight response from a brain that thinks there’s trouble. In the battle of you versus their anxious brain, the brain will win. It’s had thousands of years more practice at running the argument that there is something to worry about, than you have at saying there isn’t. Anxiety is physical. Telling someone with anxiety to stop worrying will work as well as telling as asthmatic to start breathing. There are other things that can soothe anxiety, but just telling it to stop isn’t one of them. 

  3. Don’t try to change them.

    We all have things about us that we would rather change, but often, if you were to wipe out those things, you would be wiping out the strengths that come with them. We are all a rich, messy, glorious combination of the beauty and the flaws that make us perfectly imperfect. People with anxiety have so many strengths. See through the anxiety and don’t try to change who they are. Of course if you could, you would take away their anxiety and put it in a place where it would never hurt them again, but you can’t. What you can do is love them for who they are, as they are, and remind them that with them is one of your favourite places to be.

  4. It’s no big deal. Let them know. 

    When anxiety takes hold, it can feel as though there is a barrier in the way that’s the size of the average volcano. This can put a bump in the road that wasn’t expected. That bump might look like avoidance, a need to escape, or a last minute change of plans. This can be frustrating and annoying for you – they know that – but it will always be monumentally more so for them. They will always hate knowing that they’ve disappointed you – what you think and feel will always matter to them – but that avoidance or last-minute change of plans will feel like the only way out of the frightening feelings that come with anxiety. If you can respond to this as ‘no big deal’ they’ll probably want to make a tv show about you, or maybe they’ll just say thanks, but either way they’ll be thinking you’re kind of wonderful for making the exit an easy one. Just be careful not to overdo it, speaking of which …

  5. Supporting the person or supporting their anxiety? Know where the line is. 

    This is a hard one. When you are close to someone with anxiety, it can be easy to fall into the trap of doing things – too much – that seem to support them, but that actually feed their anxiety. This can be things like supporting the cancelling of plans at the last minute, always responding instantly to texts (lovely, but not always possible), staying on the outside of the fun at social get-togethers, staying with the familiar (restaurants, holidays etc). As much as your agreement to these might come from a place of love, they can eventually cause discontent in the relationship or friendship when they become habits or expected. They can also feed into the anxiety by reinforcing the message that the only way to feel safe is to keep doing things the way they’ve always been done.

    Sometimes these responses are exactly what’s needed, but if it’s causing trouble for you, your relationship, or the one you care about, it’s probably time to talk about what can change. The most important thing is not to change things suddenly, and never without talking about it first. Surprises that feel bad will provoke anxiety like nothing else. Be supportive and understanding of why things have been done the way they have been, and then talk about what you need to be different. Be loving and gentle and let the person know you’re there for them, ‘I adore you, you know I do, but we pull out of things at the last minute a lot. I understand that sometimes this feels important for you, but when it happens too much it’s not good for either of us. Can we talk about how to do things a little differently?’

  6. Learn as much as you can about anxiety.

    Because anxiety often comes without visible signs, and because we all experience it on some level, it can be easy to write anxiety off as an ‘overreaction’. It’s not. It’s a physical reaction. It’s like saying that getting puffed and sweaty when you run is an overreaction to physical activity. The more you can understand anxiety, the more you will be able to respond in a way that is strengthening and supportive. The stronger and more supported people feel, the better they are for themselves and those around them. (That means they’ll be better for you.) 

  7. Know their warning signs.

    Anxiety doesn’t always announce its presence with neon lights. Pity. The signs might be avoidance, procrastination, making excuses to escape, indecisiveness, becoming stressed or angry, or perhaps something completely different. Learning the signs that your loved one is feeling anxious will make it easier for you to respond, whether it’s by being beside them as they move forward into ‘battle’, or helping them make a hasty and fuss-free exit. 

  8. Know what sets their anxiety soaring.

    Be sensitive to their triggers. We all have things that rub against us, but when those triggers bring on anxiety, they can be important ones to sidestep if you can (and you might not always be able to). If, for example, you know they would rather take their chances in a shark tank than in a room full of unfamiliar people, don’t have a table set for fifteen when you invite them to an intimate dinner for four. It doesn’t mean you have to buckle to every need, but if you can be sensitive to the important ones, everyone wins.

  9. Sometimes, be brave enough for both of you.

    Anxiety and courage always exist together, and people with anxiety will be amongst of the bravest people you’ll meet. Anxiety brings people right to the edges of their limits, and people with anxiety push through those limits every day. It’s exhausting and sometimes, understandably, they will be tempted to step back when it’s important to step forward. If you can pick up on these times and help them to see themselves as you do – capable, resilient, strong – you can help them to reach into the world when they need to. This isn’t always easy, which is why you’ll need to be brave enough for both of you.

  10. Walk with me.

    Physical activity is the natural end to the fight or flight response, so if someone is in the thick of anxiety, invite them for a walk outside, or anywhere away from the trouble zone. The physical activity will burn the fight or flight neurochemicals that cause anxiety’s physical symptoms (racing heart, nausea, butterflies, clamminess, muscle tension). When this happens, the awful feelings that come with anxiety will start to disappear.

  11. Buy them a colouring book. Yes. Really. Let me explain.

    A ton of research has proven that mindfulness is brilliant for anxiety. There are plenty of ways to practice mindfulness, and colouring in the intricate designs in a mindfulness colouring book is one of them. Mindfulness changes the brain by strengthening the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that calms down fear) and decreasing the size of the amygdala (the trigger centre for the fight or flight response). It also decreases cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases the neurochemicals (gamma-aminobutyric acid [GABA]) that calm down brain cells when they get overexcited.

  12. Be an ‘om’ buddy.

    Exercise and meditation are brilliant for anxiety. Yoga combines both. Even better when it comes with a fabulous friend in an even more fabulous cheesy motivational t-shirt. 

  13. Bring it back to now.

    Anxiety is driven by a mind that is focussed on the future. The future can be a fun place to hang out sometimes, but it’s also the breeding ground for the ‘what-ifs’ that flourish anxiety. When someone is in the grip of anxiety, encourage that future-thinking mind back to the present. Work through each of the senses: ‘Tell me five things you can see.’ ‘Tell me four things you can feel.’ ‘Tell me three things you can hear.’ ‘Tell me two things you can smell.’ In between, remind your friend to breathe in for three, hold for one, out for three if they can. Breathing strong deep breaths is difficult to do when anxiety is at full throttle – the brain is busy with other things, but with every ‘tell me …’, it should get easier. Breathing will trigger the relaxation response, which will neutralise the neurochemicals that have driven the physical symptoms. If you can’t be there in person, technology has it sorted – try giving your guidance over the phone or through text.

  14. Oh for the love of details!

    Few thing can set anxiety racing more than gaps or sketchy information. One of the things that make people with anxiety great to have in your tribe is the way they are always prepared for the plan b, plan c, plan d – and every other letter of the alphabet. They’ll think of things that nobody else would have thought of. The part you don’t see (or if you’ve been beside them at 2am, maybe you have seen it), is the way they will think about a situation from every angle. Help out with this by giving as many details as you can – start and finish times, where it is, who will be there, how long it will go for, what it will look like when you get there – and don’t make them wait for it if you don’t need to. No such thing as too much info .

  15. They’re going to jump to conclusions. Give plenty of info so they don’t end up at the wrong place.

    With a threat sensor on high alert, you might sometimes find that you are read the wrong way. People with anxiety are generally really sensitive about what other people are thinking or feeling. This is such a strength. For the most part, they’ll be spot on, but sometimes they might get it wrong. (Can’t we all!) Tired, frustrated or confused might be read as ‘angry’, or, ‘angry with me’. Be alive to this and clear things up when the need is there. If you’re angry, they will be able to spot it through the eye of a needle from miles away. Don’t even try to pretend there’s nothing wrong if the truth is that something has upset you. Gently talk about the issue. Ignoring the issue or leaving them in it will just feel cruel – as it would for anyone. As with any relationship, be gentle with exits and entrances – what you say and feel matters, especially the way you start and finish.

  16. Decisions. Ugh. 

    Anxiety has a way of presenting decisions as though one will be the right one, and one will carve colossal fault lines through their life – but which decision is which! When people with anxiety make a decision it will most often be the right one, because of the effort that has gone into making it – that’s why we love them. To ease anxiety around decision making, hold back from giving a shopping list of options – ‘Where should we go for dinner? Thai? Indian? We could try Italian. We haven’t been to that Vietnamese place for a while. Or maybe we should just stay in and watch a movie. Or maybe we could see what the others are doing and order pizza. Totally your call.’ More options won’t help. If there is clearly no preference coming from their side of the street, offer yours, ‘This is what I think we should do …’ or limit the options, ‘Indian or Italian. What do you think?’ Sometimes, the best decision is the one you don’t have to make. 

  17. Don’t leave them wondering. 

    If there is something you need to say, say it. Don’t leave the person hanging by letting them know on Monday, that you would like to see them on Friday because you have something you need to talk to them about. If there is something unknown, an anxious person will fill in the gaps over and over with different possibilities, most of them negative ones. Again, this isn’t an over-reaction, it’s a physical reaction. Their protective brain will set to the task of keeping them safe, just in case Friday comes with catastrophic news. In brain-speak, this means setting off the fight or flight response, which in people-speak means anxiety.

  18. Don’t change plans at the last minute if you can avoid it.

    The way anxiety is managed is by being prepared for different possibilities. This is a great strength, but like so many strengths it can also be a massive hurdle. If you can, try to avoid changing plans at the last minute. It will just create the need for a flurry of new contingency plans – and nobody needs that. 

  19. Share your own stuff.

    If you are with someone who is anxious, you’ll know their vulnerabilities because you will have probably seen them. This is a sure sign that you are one of the trusted few – the inner circle that they think the world of. Let them know about your frayed edges too. We all have them, and the beauty of human connection lies in the honesty of the mutual reveal.

  20. People. Nope. Not today. Probably not tomorrow either.

    We all have our strengths and we all have the things that get the better of us. If you live with someone with anxiety, things like answering the phone or answering the door can feel bigger than it might for you. Similarly, having to book a restaurant, buy tickets, or anything that involves having to communicate with strangers can feel like an uphill climb. Of course, they can do it if they need to – they can do anything – but when you can, offer to do these little things. In return, you can bet they’ll have the umbrella when it’s raining, the witty lines when you need a laugh, the chicken soup when you need some loving. Have their back when you can, and know that they’ll have yours too. You know they will.

  21. Take the party to them.

    Suggest having time out close to home – a DVD at their place or dinner in their part of the world. Familiarity is a beautiful thing. That doesn’t mean there’s no room for stretching – there’s always room for that – but the occasional night off from stretching never hurt anyone.

  22. Never assume.

    Never assume anything is too hard, too scary or too easy. People with anxiety have courage and strength by the truckload. Sometimes they’ll be ready to put themselves out there, and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they’ll want space and sometimes they’ll want you right beside them. None of us come with instructions and all of us love people who care enough to ask.

And finally …

Anxiety can be wildly frustrating and confusing for everyone. If you’re not the one who is experiencing it, be thankful, because it just as easily could have been. Anxiety makes experiences difficult, not people, and it’s important to always see your important person as separate to their anxiety. People with anxiety have qualities that make them true keepers, but if you love something with anxiety, you would know that already. They are thoughtful, sensitive, wise and strong. And sometimes they have anxiety.

We all have our ‘stuff’ and as with anything, when it comes to anxiety, there are things that will soothe it and things that will make it worse. Be the one who understands what to do when your loved one is in the thick of anxiety. We all need someone who will fight for us, beside us.

35 Comments

Janet

Hi Karen
I heard you on a podcast this morning and what you said was such a comfort to me. It was the 18 things to tell anxious kids. I have anxiety and depression and my 10 year old son has anxiety. When his anxiety is bad, you can imagine what happens to mine! Anyway…we’re in a storm at the moment and the podcast gave me such relief as you could have been talking about my son. Every single one of the 18 points apply to him. I’ve just bought your two books and can’t wait to read them to him. Thank you so much for all you do. This is a much needed resource!

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Mary

I am a mother to a beautiful 17 yo girl. She’s had anxiety her whole life, but it came to a head when she was 12, in seventh grade. She missed half of that school year. She’s been managed medically by a Psychiatrist , takes antidepressants. She has a lot of support at school and is an important part of a loving Italian family. Her anxiety is now also including depression. I don’t know how to help. I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. I just want her to feel better. She has so many hopes and dreams for her future. I take her to appointments and am doing everything that i can for her. I’m just worried and sad.

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Karen Young

Mary I hear how worried you are about your daughter. Here is an article that will have some ideas for things she can do to help strengthen herself against anxiety and depression. Exercise and meditation are really important and have been shown by extensive research to strengthen the brain against both anxiety and depression https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/. Here is an article that specifically talks about the importance of exercise https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/ and this one talks about mindfulness https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/. It sounds as though you are being an incredible support for her. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s a tough time right now, but she can get through this and come out stronger for it.

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Dale

I have anxiety. Am seeing a therapist. Really can not figure out why my anxiety comes. Also just recently started meds, but I feel no different. I bike, treadmill, meditate every day. Please tell me things will get better. I am an extravert and try to get out of the house each day.

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Karen Young

Dale absolutely there is hope! Keep doing what you’re doing. If your anxiety has been there for a while it can take a while too turn it around – but for sure you can do that. Keep going. You’re going to get there.

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Bonnie

Your article makes so much sense and has completely made me “get it” after 10 years of marriage. My husband has never been diagnosed as having anxiety but it’s glaringly clear he does. We’ve struggled for so long – I just couldn’t/didn’t fully understand why he did the endless list of “crazy” things he did! This caused so much blame and frustration for both of us!! Since stumbling upon your article “When someone you love has anxiety” I finally get it! It had an immediate and powerfully positive impact on our marriage. I’m so grateful for you. Xo

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Bonnie I’m so pleased you found this article. All loving, close relationships have their challenges, and being aware of what you’re dealing with is such an important part of working through those challenges together. We are all a beautiful work in progress. Love and strength to both of you x

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Rive

I appreciate the article, but it can be so frustrating when you do all of the supportive things to be there and encourage the person, and they don’t follow through on being proactive to help themselves. You can’t “make” someone help themselves. I feel like I am hitting my head against a wall sometimes, repeating the suggestions of the little things that can help (mindfulness, exercise, etc). I am in a vicious cycle of being supportive/ enabling and I don’t know what else to do to change the situation.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Rive I completely understand how confusing and frustrating this can be. You’re absolutely right – you can’t make someone change themselves. Anxiety can be so powerful and so intrusive. The main thing to remember is that nobody wants anxiety. When things are calm, talk about what helps and what gets in the way. Then, in the midst of anxiety stick to what you have discussed. Asking for what the person needs is supportive, but as with all of us, healing can be sabotaged in the midst of the struggle because we ask for the support we want, which is often more than the support we need. It can be hard to find clarity around this. Also remember to focus on the strengths of the person and the relationship between you both. There will be plenty. Anxiety has a way of putting a cloud over everything. I can hear how important this person is to you and how much you want to do the right them by them. Remember to look after you too and it is always okay to talk about what you need as well.

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Sid

I am touched by this article and see so much of myself and a few loved ones very clearly in here.

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Jodie

Great understanding is behind this insighful text. I have a large amount of people around me who suffer from anxiety. This is great advice. All anxiety suffers need a diagnosis to help them feel comfortable in their own skin. We are here to help xo

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Just A girl

I have a knack for noticing anxiety and I’m the gentle friend who can be a bit out there at times. OK, understatement, I’m the Queen of Extroverts and meeting new people.

I love these people you speak of because despite their fears, I’ve never seen such strength in others like I do in those who have anxiety.

They are normally very empathetic when I need someone to understand me (other highly ridiculously outgoing people lack that introspection I get from people who are a little on the worrying side)

You’re all so lovable and loving.

I have learned that breathing exercises with me particularly when they are at their best helps with engaging their parasympathetic (is that right) system, it becomes a natural response not one they have to remember when they are a little wired from fear.

I have also learned spiritual teachings about the universe being on our side and proving this to them works tremendously. They’ve just been fed the wrong information.

I tell them, the world is safe my darlings. Focus on seeking out every little bit of good and slowly slowly our minds shift.

I love all the articles written on this website. Are they are all by the same person? This article was spot on and so loving. Just beautiful!

Lucky there are people like you amongst us.

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Hey Sigmund

Beautifully said. You sound like a wonderful friend!

I’m so pleased you like the articles. Some of these are written by guest authors (for which I’m very grateful!). You can tell the guest posts because they will have the author’s name in brackets in the title, and the article will be followed by a short bio, ‘About the Author’. Otherwise, they are written by me.)

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Elizabeth

This is the best, most readable article I’ve ever seen about helping those of us with anxiety. I’ve sent it along to my family. This website continues to be a huge solace to me and my daughter. BIG, heartfelt thanks.

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Jill

Bless you, bless you . You know me . How do you do that ? You have described something I have suffered from all my life and still see through it to a person who isn’t only an anxious mess – but a good, strong person. So often I have believed that I am only my anxieties – not the other ( good) stuff as well.
Thank you .

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Hey Sigmund

Jill you are so welcome. You will always be so much more than your anxiety! I can tell from your comment that you are strong and insightful, with a brave, open heart. The world needs more just like you.

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celine

As usual really good article. I think it is really important to keep reminding people also that it will pass, that it can pass because once we identify the triggers we can identify the core problem and by working out the core problem, we can pre empt the triggers.

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YM

What if my loved one with anxiety is seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes Xanax? How can I help him to not become dependent, although I think he already is. ?

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Hey Sigmund

If your loved one is working with someone who is prescribing Xanax, it will be difficult to push against this. Your concerns are very valid if the medication is being taken long term, but hopefully if it is being prescribed by a psychiatrist, there is a plan in place that will stop the risk of dependency. Are you able to see the psychiatrist together so you can discuss your concerns?

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Jennifer

Wonderful article and a very good description of my anxiety and also will help me take care of those I know with anxiety.

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Barbara

You can imagine my indignation when my Doc indicated on a pre surgical form that my anxiety had made me appear 20 years older than my actual age.
But its true, it has made me old before my time.

I am so thankful for you my dear. You help me all the time but that is why you do this.

Thank You for your help
Barb

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lee

Reading this to help my Mum, through her anxiety , but have realised I’m reading a lot here about myself too. been having problems with my heart and lungs esp when trying to relax, I do think so much and cannot fall asleep easily because of it. Didnt think I was at this point at all, So a big thank-you. I can now work on making it/me better. You cant do that until you admit it!

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Hey Sigmund

Lee you’re so welcome. And yes – once you are able to figure out what is happening for you, the path to feeling better and living well becomes clearer.

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Karen

Someone must have been following me around, to write this article. This is exactly all about me, how I am, how my spouse helps and my inner circle, which only is my spouse and my daughter. This is a beautifully written article, and thank you for this. You expressed so many things that I know to be true, but could not find the words to describe how I feel. Again, thank you.

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Sue F

A great article Karen! I know my triggers and although I have tried to explain it to family and friends they don’t always “get” it. I just have to do things that just make me feel comfortable. I know where it all comes from and have a greater understanding now then a few years ago. For me I think it’s a control thing. Definitely a work in progress.

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Sue F

I just want to add something else. Although I don’t do colouring in I do lots of Pinterest as a means of relaxation. I’m sure that doing something creative really helps!

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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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