karenyoung_heysigmund
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again.
‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things.
During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger.
Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety.
Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard.
During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them.
Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Lupe S (verified owner) –
Wow!! Love your books. Everything I have order has been beautifully and carefully wrapped. The books and their messages are amazing. I work with young people and they help them understand concepts we are learning in therapy so much better. Thank you.
Erin (verified owner) –
Gorgeous book and illustrations that teaches the value of self acceptance and boundaries in a really fun way. I really appreciate the conversation prompters at the back of all Karen’s books to help to guide parents/carers to discuss these really important topics with their children.
Susan R (verified owner) –
Excellent message! Compliments the strategy that I teach my students to use when someone says something hurtful to them; to put up their “invisible shield” to deflect the hurtful words. The “invisible shield” is positive self-talk: student’s strengths and positive qualities. This strategy empowers the student to focus on themselves, and not give power to the hurtful words or actions.
Carmen D (verified owner) –
Hi I was delighted to received books wrapped in lovely paper with a sticker sealing it. A lovely touch. Beautiful messages in this and another book I purchased. I would have like the pictures to be abit more colourful though to appeal to kids a little more. Pleased with my purchase
Robyn C –
Excellent child level explanation about acceptance and bullying giving the child excellent skills to deal with it on a day to day basis! Love the soft toy amygdala to cuddle too! It is a concrete object the child can hang on to so they can understand the abstract concepts of their brain!