Anxiety or ADHD? Why They Sometimes Look the Same and How to Tell the Difference

Anxiety or ADHD? Why They Sometimes Look the Same and How to Tell the Difference

Anxiety and ADHD are very different, but sometimes the symptoms can look similar. The correct diagnosis is critical to guide treatment and to make sense of things when kids seem to be struggling or when something doesn’t feel quite right. As much as the right diagnosis can heal, the wrong one can also harm. Understanding how anxiety might look like ADHD, and the telltale differences between the two, can make an important difference in avoiding a misdiagnosis, and helping kids deal with the symptoms that might be getting in their way.

ADHD is one of the most diagnosed childhood conditions, and it seems to be increasing. The Centre for Disease Control reports that 11% of children between 4-17 have been diagnosed with ADHD at some point in their lives. Reports suggest that about 8% currently have ADHD and about 6% are taking medication. The prescription of medications for ADHD has increased by 800% in the last two decades.

ADHD has been the firestarter for plenty of hearty debate, with some questioning whether or not it actually exists. Let’s start by putting that argument to bed, or somewhere less cosy and far away so it won’t find its way back. ADHD absolutely does exist, and there are pictures to prove it. Brain imaging shows definite differences between a brain with ADHD and a brain without. 

Researchers don’t know exactly what causes ADHD, but they know for certain that it’s is a neurobiological condition. It has nothing to do with bad behaviour, bad parenting, too much sugar, not enough sleep, fairy dust, wearing too much yellow – or whatever other crazy theories are out there. Fortunately, these theories have been debunked, which means now researchers can get on with finding out what’s really going on, which they are. 

Perhaps something that has given buoyancy to the ‘does it exist or doesn’t it’ debate is the overdiagnosis of ADHD, or the misdiagnosis of symptoms that look like ADHD. A major problem facing doctors and clinicians is that there is currently no widely available objective physiological assessment for the presence of ADHD. At the moment, brain imaging can’t be used for diagnosis, but researchers are working on developing a more accurate and objective diagnosis tool.

In the meantime, diagnosis relies on reports of the child’s behaviour from two different environments, typically school (from teachers) and home (from parents). If your child seems to struggle at school but seems fine at home, it’s not ADHD, and vice versa. Diagnosis of ADHD is based on a list of 18 possible symptoms, all of which exist on a spectrum, and all of which could apply to any child at some point in time. The 18 symptoms are divided into two clusters with nine symptoms in each cluster (‘inattentive’ and ‘hyperactivity/impulsivity’ cluster). A formal diagnosis of ADHD comes down to a question of degree. To be diagnosed, a child has to have most of the symptoms from both clusters (combined inattentive and hyperactivity/impulsivity) or one of the clusters (predominantly inattentive or predominantly hyperactive) most of the time, and they have to intrude significantly into day-to-day life.

Studies that have looked at the way ADHD is assessed by clinicians have found that a large majority of practicing clinicians did not regularly follow assessment procedures that are in line with best practice guidelines. One of these guidelines is to use multiple methods to diagnose but only 15% of clinicians reported doing this. 

Research has also found that the youngest children in a year level are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD and medicated than older children in the year level. Interestingly, this trend is only found with preschool and primary school (elementary) age children, not adolescents. Researchers suggest this may be because younger children, because of their age and stage of development, don’t quite yet have the neurocognitive development of their older classmates and may wrongly be diagnosed with ADHD.  

Without a reliable objective measure of ADHD, there will inevitably be times when a cluster of behaviours in a child is labeled as ADHD, but isn’t. The key symptoms of ADHD – inattention, distraction, fidgeting, problems at school, problems focusing – don’t automatically mean ADHD. They can indicate several other conditions, one of which is anxiety. 

The problem with misdiagnosis.

No parents wants their child to be diagnosed with ADHD. Understandably though, it can be a massive relief when there is finally an explanation for behaviours that don’t seem to make sense, or which are causing problems at school, at home and with friendships. 

Having a correct diagnosis is vital. It can bring clarity and guide the management of symptoms in ways that see important parts of a child’s life (relationships, academics, behaviour, self-esteem) improving significantly. But as much as a diagnosis can heal, it can also harm. When a child is misdiagnosed, the fallout can be immense. Not only might the child be exposed to unnecessary medication, but the wrong diagnosis can mean that the child isn’t receiving the support or treatment that actually would help their symptoms.

Misdiagnosis can set a path for treatment that is unhelpful or detrimental, and it runs the risk of overlooking the true cause of any difficulties the child is having. Labeling a child with the wrong diagnosis also has the potential to shrink the expectations of teachers or other adults as to what that child is capable of. Children will live up to expectations or down to them. They’ll look to the important adults in their lives for clues about how hard they should try, and whether the reach is in them.

But then there’s the overlap.

The overlap between the symptoms of ADHD and other conditions can also add to the potential for misdiagnosis. As many as 75% of children with ADHD meet the criteria for another diagnosis. About a third of children who have ADHD will also have clinical levels of anxiety. The presence of anxiety seems to be related to more severe ADHD, so it’s massively important that the diagnostic process is open to this. If anxiety is present, it’s vital that it is given the attention it needs, and not overlooked or treated as part of the ADHD.

The Masquerade – When anxiety looks like ADHD.

Anxiety and ADHD are very different, but the symptoms can sometimes look similar. This is because both have symptoms are driven by changes in the pre-frontal cortex BUT the nature of those changes and the processes behind those changes are different. With anxiety, the symptoms are brought about by the fight or flight response. This response can be enduring and intense, and it can happen even when there is no threat and no real need for fight or flight. With ADHD, the symptoms are brought about by structural, functional and chemical changes in the brain. 

When there are changes in activity in the prefrontal cortex, as happens during anxiety and ADHD, symptoms can include inattention and distraction; impulsivity and hyperactivity; and difficulty controlling emotions, impulses and habits.

But if the symptoms are the same, does it matter how it’s treated?

Yes. Yes. Yes. It matters. The symptoms aren’t the problem. The condition driving the symptoms is the problem. Understanding whether it’s ADHD, anxiety, or both is the first and most important step in making sure your little person is getting what he or she needs to move forward. Although both anxiety and ADHD are manageable, they need different types of support to improve.

ADHD is generally treated with medication that boosts the necessary neurochemicals and stimulates the parts of the brain that need to work a little harder. This may be effective for ADHD, but if the symptoms are being driven by anxiety, the use of ADHD medication is massively heavy-handed and fails miserably to give the child the skills or resources needed to best manage the symptoms. Even if anxiety and ADHD are happening together, it’s important to also treat the anxiety as a separate condition. A growing body of highly regarded research is showing that mindfulness and exercise are both powerful ways to do this.

If the symptoms are from ADHD, what’s driving them?

An ever-increasing body of research has found that there are widespread structural and functional, electrical and neurochemical differences in the brains of children with ADHD. Researchers aren’t exactly sure what causes these changes, but there’s a lot of research happening in the area to get us closer to the answers.

The changes are particularly in the areas of executive functioning (planning, organising, concentration, impulse control, focusing attention, remembering instructions, inhibition, self-control) and sensorimotor processing (using the information that we receive through our senses, to produce an effective motor response). 

The frontal cortex and other parts of the brain are smaller in children with ADHD. Size makes no difference at all when it comes to intelligence, and many kids with ADHD will have above average IQ’s. What it does affect is behaviour. An ADHD brain is powerful, intelligent, and very capable, but it’s not able to filter the ‘noise’ from the relevant information coming in. A brain with ADHD is like a beautiful, high-powered, high performing sports car, but without any brakes. 

In any brain, the different parts interact with each to form different networks that control processes such as behaviour, movement and attention. These networks are like a symphony – they increase in activity or decrease in activity depending on what we are doing. For a brain to do what it needs to do effectively, the networks need to work together and increase activity or decrease activity just enough to make things happen. When we are trying to learn something, for example, the networks that process information increase in activity, while at the same time the networks involved in daydreaming decrease in activity. In a child with ADHD, some networks switch on too much and some don’t switch on enough. When this happens, they may struggle with tasks or behaviour. 

Many people seem to grow out of ADHD, and there seems to be a good reason for this. Research suggests that with ADHD, the brain is delayed in some areas by about three years. It still develops in a normal pattern, but some areas will take a little longer. Eventually, the functioning in these areas catches up, which is when the symptoms of ADHD seem to lessen or disappear.

And if the symptoms are from anxiety?

Anxiety comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala. It’s a tiny almond-shaped part at the back of the brain and its job is to keep us safe by warning us when there might be danger. When the amygdala senses threat, the brain immediately switches to auto-pilot and initiates the fight or flight response. It hands the bulk of the workload to the more primitive, instinctive, impulsive lower brain (at the back of the brain). At the same time it organises for the pre-frontal cortex to sit out for a while until the threat has passed. When this happens, behaviour becomes less planned, more instinctive, and more impulsive.

There’s a very good reason for sending the pre-frontal cortex offline when there’s an immediate threat. The amygdala doesn’t want the pre-frontal cortex to use valuable survival time thinking, planning, deciding – it just wants to get you safe. If there’s a wild dog with gnarly teeth running at you, there’s no time to think about whether it might be lost, angry, hungry or misunderstood, or to imagine how cute it would be if it was wearing one of those cute dog jackets that all the cool dogs are wearing. Your brain just wants you out of there – fast. 

It’s important to remember that the fight or flight response doesn’t only happen when there’s a threat. For kids with anxiety, it can feel constant. Sometimes, the amygdala gets a little too overprotective and initiates the fight or flight response too many times, too unnecessarily – just in case. It’s evidence of a strong, healthy brain switching into survival mode, but just a little more than it needs to. That’s evolution for you … sometimes it gives us opposing thumbs, and sometimes it gives us anxiety. 

Anxiety, ADHD and the look-alike symptoms. 

Even though the symptoms of ADHD and anxiety might look the same, they will be driven by different processes. It’s also important to remember that not all ADHD looks the same and not all anxiety looks the same, but there are versions of both that can look similar. Let’s go through the symptoms:

  • Difficulty in class, makes careless mistakes, distraction, inattentiveness, restless, difficulty focusing/ planning.

    If it’s caused by anxiety: 
    When anxiety hits in class, it can shut down the pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that is important for thinking, learning and remembering. Anxiety is all about protecting you from threat, so the brain shuts down to detail. Instead, it becomes focussed on staying safe. Anxiety can make kids so distracted by worrying thoughts, that they are unable to apply themselves to whatever they are working on. This can make kids appear restless, distracted and make it difficult to focus, retain information or pay attention. When kids are highly anxious, their thoughts are consumed with their worries. They might have trouble writing, sitting still, staying focussed or copying from the board. They might also be reluctant to ask questions or ask for guidance. 

    If it’s caused by ADHD: 
    With ADHD, the symptoms are thought to be because in the prefrontal cortex, the levels of the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine, aren’t quite what they need to be. Neurotransmitters are the chemicals in the brain that help brain cells communicate with each other. Everything we do depends on the levels of these neurotransmitters being at the right levels. Even the smallest changes in norepinephrine and dopamine levels can have a big effect on the capacity of the prefrontal cortex to do its job effectively. Norepinephrine increases the signals for appropriate response. Dopamine decreases any irrelevant ‘noise’ that might get in the way. When the levels of these neurotransmitters are out, kids can have difficulty ignoring irrelevant stimuli. It’s not that they are unable to pay attention, it’s that they are paying it to different things, or too many things at once.

  • Hyperactivity, fidgeting, squirming, talking or moving too much, extra movement when doing simple tasks. 

    If it’s anxiety:
    When the brain feels there might be a threat, it surges the body with neurochemicals to ready the body for fight or flight. The idea is to get the body faster, stronger and more powerful so it can fight or flee the danger. If there is no need for fight or flight, these neurochemicals build up. The energy created has to go somewhere. Sometimes this can look like ‘too much movement’, such as fidgeting, foot tapping, wringing hands, or pacing.

    If it’s ADHD:
    The part of the brain that puts the brakes on behaviour is a little slower to activate, meaning there aren’t enough messages instructing the body to stop or slow down. 

  • Impulsive behaviour.

    If it’s anxiety:
    When the sensations of fear or anxiety are strong, the surging of fight or flight chemicals sends the pre-frontal cortex (the seat of self-control) offline. The impulsive, instinctive amygdala takes charge. When this happens, the prefrontal cortex isn’t available to help calm big feelings or plan a more considered, less impulsive response. When the anxiety passes, the pre-frontal cortex will take charge again and guide healthier responses. Impulsive behaviour can also look like aggression, which is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. Anxiety and big emotions come from the same part of the brain so when anxiety is on full volume, other emotions, such as anger might also be switched up to high. Something else to be mindful of is that being silly, which can sometimes look like impulsive behaviour, might be used as a mask by kids to cover up their anxiety or nervousness. 

    If it’s ADHD:
    Differences in the parts of the brain that manage self-control mean that behaviour might be more impulsive. This isn’t because of bad behaviour, but because of a brain that’s not quite doing what it needs to. 

  • Not able to finish schoolwork, poor time management.

    If it’s anxiety: 
    Kids with anxiety might have trouble completing their schoolwork. Anxiety can cause kids to worry about making mistakes. Because of this, they might do things over and over, or take plenty of time to make sure their work is right or as close to perfect as it can be. It’s more about the need to produce perfect, mistake-free work than about ability, failure to focus or failure to plan. 

    If it’s ADHD: 
    Kids with ADHD are unable to keep their attention on a task, most likely because of an ability to manage impulses or to shut out irrelevant distractions. Because of the regular shifts in focus, the work doesn’t get completed. 

  • Difficulty organising tasks and activities and managing sequential tasks, disorganised work.

    If it’s anxiety:
    The left brain loves logic and sequences, and it helps to give structure and order to our experiences (‘this, then this, then this …’). The right brain is more concerned with emotion and the big picture of ‘what does this mean for me?’. It’s heavily directed by sensations in the body and messages from the lower brain, which is the major player in anxiety. We need both sides of the brain to work well together, but sometimes in all of us, one side will become dominant for a little while. If a child is feeling anxious in class or in relation to a specific task, the right ’emotional’ brain can take over and temporarily disconnect from the left side. While the anxiety is high, there will be higher emotion and a greater focus on ‘what does this situation mean for me’, and less concern for order or logic. 

    If it’s ADHD:
    Insufficient levels of neurochemicals make it difficult for the brain to screen out irrelevant stimuli. There’s too much irrelevant information coming in and creating noise. This means that however hard kids with ADHD try to organise their work and do what’s expected, their busy brains will make organisation difficult.  

Anxiety or ADHD? How can I tell the difference? 

If you suspect ADHD, it’s really important to get a proper assessment from someone who is qualified to diagnose. Be mindful that many of the symptoms we’ve discussed might always point louder to ADHD than anxiety. In some instances, it may be that both anxiety and ADHD are driving behaviour. Whatever’s happening, getting to the bottom of it is the most important step in getting your child the support they need to push forward.

Because a diagnosis of ADHD depends on observation and interpretation of the behaviours, be open to the possibility that if you go to an ‘ADHD specialist’ or a doctor who specialises in ADHD, they may be more likely to read the symptoms as ADHD. Certainly they can be an important and wonderful support for kids with ADHD, but always be ready to seek a second opinion if that’s what you need for clarity. Ask as many questions as you need to ask and remember, you are the expert on your child. If something doesn’t feel right, keep chasing it down until things make sense to you.

Here are some clues that the symptoms might be more indicative of anxiety (or perhaps anxiety and ADHD) than ADHD.

  • Kids with anxiety are generally more sensitive to social cues, and to what other people are thinking and feeling, or what they need.
  • Anxiety can create physical symptoms such as a racy heart, clamminess, tense muscles, tummy aches, headaches, nausea, or dizziness. This is the physiological basis of anxiety. When the neurochemicals that are there to ready you for fight or flight build up, they lead to physical symptoms. These symptoms feel awful, but if they are driven by anxiety they are all completely safe.
  • Children with anxiety don’t tend to have as many problems with impulsivity. Their impulsive behaviour generally happens in isolated bursts when they are anxious, and is less likely to happen when they are feeling calm and safe.
  • Children with anxiety will be unlikely to show problem behaviours when they are feeling calm, safe, and doing things they enjoy. Children with ADHD might struggle even when they are doing the things they want to be doing.
  • Children with anxiety are more likely to talk about feeling worried, even if they can’t articulate exactly what they are worried about. This is because anxiety comes from a brain that thinks there might be a threat, not necessarily because there actually is one.

And finally …

The importance of a correct diagnosis is so important to make sure that kids with ADHD receive the best possible support to manage the symptoms and limit the intrusion into their day-to-day lives. You will always be the expert on your child, and you’re their voice when something doesn’t feel right. There will be times when you’ll need other experts on your team, but for certain, the glue that will hold it all together will be you – your questions, your questioning, your answers, your second opinions – whatever it takes for things to make sense. 

All kids need a support crew, made up of the adults around them who are ready to help lift them to full flight. The support crew will look different for every child, but will likely involve family, teachers, coaches and sometimes therapists, specialists and doctors. ADHD can be tricky to diagnose, but there are many wonderful clinicians out there who, with you by their side, will be able to widen your child’s opportunity to be the very best that he or she can be. 

You might also like …

‘Hey Warrior’ is the book I’ve written for children to help them understand anxiety and to find their ‘brave’. It explains why anxiety feels the way it does, and it will teach them how they can ‘be the boss of their brains’ during anxiety, to feel calm. It’s not always enough to tell kids what to do – they need to understand why it works. Hey Warrior does this, giving explanations in a fun, simple, way that helps things make sense in a, ‘Oh so that’s how that works!’ kind of way, alongside gorgeous illustrations.

 

 


 

60 Comments

Michelle

What a great article. My son is on the ADHD pathway and we’re waiting for an assessment. But I didn’t truly understand what ADHD was despite having read loads about it. This has really helped me to understand, as well as giving me ready-to-hand answers to those who often claim ADHD doesn’t exist – all together now “they had none of this in my day!!”. Thank you to the author Karen Young for explaining it in such simple terms – no easy feat! I’m just interested to see what the clinical experts say at our appointment because my gut feeling is he has ADHD with a bit of anxiety thrown in. But thanks for helping to clarify both conditions so succinctly!

Reply
Manda

Thank you for this
My son’s initial diagnoses was anxiety, despite my gut telling me it was both anxiety and ADHD. Actually, I was flat out told I was wrong.

Get a second opinion. We lost 2 precious years at school and in our home because of this. I finally went to my family doctor and said “I want him assessed for ADHD.” I have a wonderful family doctor who helped.

After 4 months we chose to medicate. It was a good decision for our family – everyone should chose what works for them. His teacher told me “I am not pro medication or against it, but if you ever had a poster child for ‘it works’ its him”

Still, it should’t have taken so long to get a proper diagnosis. And from Mental Health professionals!

Reply
Stefanie

It is also important to highlight that some ADHD medications (mostly stimulants) can actually increase anxiety . My daughter developed strong symptoms of anxiety a few months into her treatment. So be wary if your child seems more anxious under medications that before!

Steph

Reply
Michelle

I’ve just read this and had the most amazing feeling of relief! I have a 6 year old boy who has had huge issues with any situation where he doesn’t feel completely in control. I have been saying for years I think it’s anxiety but I have often been met with dismissal. Partly due to him not being a whittler, he’s not shy or reserved… he’s tough and clever and he will fight (adults) if he feels the need.. The cause of the anxiety, in my opinion, being a hospital stay at a year old. He won’t remember that!! I get told. Well no, he doesn’t remember that! But something became hard wired in that little head of his… he will not tolerate being held, even the mildest restrain… he wouldn’t go near anyone that looked remotely like a doctor (including anyone in a suit)… it literally took us years!
I’ve had so many well meaning people offer their diagnoses. We’ve had a strong insistance of Autism. I just don’t see it… for the most part he’s amazing at home… ODD, PAD, EFD, ADHD…. none of them quite rang true for me. Although yes… some of the extreme ‘melt downs’ and behaviours made sense… non of the underlying things fit… reading this article has made me feel empowered to stand by what I have believed for so long and will hopefully help us to guide our amazing little boy though these big scary emotions he gets engulfed by sometimes.

Reply
Davina

THANK YOU! My Son was diagnosed with ADAH after one meeting at a ‘specialist’ who studied him in action, spoke about his actions (while he was in the room) and watch him ‘act with ADHD characteristics’. No one listened when I said that mostly, he was great for me at home – perhaps they didn’t believe me? I refused the treatment, and it wasn’t until 2 years later when I paid quite a lot of $$ for an extensive assessment from the Dyslexia foundation. He was diagnosed with dyslexia and dysgraphia, his in school antics were due to anxiety. The build up of stress and not being able to trust his teachers lead to suicidal thoughts at 11yo!! The anxiety continues into high-school – he still has issues trusting teachers but is gradually getting through it. School will always be a chore for him because of the large class sizes – not the teachers fault or schools, but it leads to a lack of individual support, especially when the student is being annoying and difficult to cover up his inadequacy and stress. Socially he is ok and has leadership qualities, we just need to be vigil that he doesn’t make poor social choices.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

The temptation to fix their big feelings can be seismic. Often this is connected to needing to ease our own discomfort at their discomfort, which is so very normal.

Big feelings in them are meant to raise (sometimes big) feelings in us. This is all a healthy part of the attachment system. It happens to mobilise us to respond to their distress, or to protect them if their distress is in response to danger.

Emotion is energy in motion. We don’t want to bury it, stop it, smother it, and we don’t need to fix it. What we need to do is make a safe passage for it to move through them. 

Think of emotion like a river. Our job is to hold the ground strong and steady at the banks so the river can move safely, without bursting the banks.

However hard that river is racing, they need to know we can be with the river (the emotion), be with them, and handle it. This might feel or look like you aren’t doing anything, but actually it’s everything.

The safety that comes from you being the strong, steady presence that can lovingly contain their big feelings will let the emotional energy move through them and bring the brain back to calm.

Eventually, when they have lots of experience of us doing this with them, they will learn to do it for themselves, but that will take time and experience. The experience happens every time you hold them steady through their feelings. 

This doesn’t mean ignoring big behaviour. For them, this can feel too much like bursting through the banks, which won’t feel safe. Sometimes you might need to recall the boundary and let them know where the edges are, while at the same time letting them see that you can handle the big of the feeling. Its about loving and leading all at once. ‘It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to use those words at me.’

Ultimately, big feelings are a call for support. Sometimes support looks like breathing and being with. Sometimes it looks like showing them you can hold the boundary, even when they feel like they’re about to burst through it. And if they’re using spicy words to get us to back off, it might look like respecting their need for space but staying in reaching distance, ‘Ok, I’m right here whenever you need.’♥️
We all need certain things to feel safe enough to put ourselves into the world. Kids with anxiety have magic in them, every one of them, but until they have a felt sense of safety, it will often stay hidden.

‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what they feel. At school, they might have the safest, most loving teacher in the safest, most loving school. This doesn’t mean they will feel enough relational safety straight away that will make it easier for them to do hard things. They can still do those hard things, but those things are going to feel bigger for a while. This is where they’ll need us and their other anchor adult to be patient, gentle, and persistent.

Children aren’t meant to feel safe with and take the lead from every adult. It’s not the adult’s role that makes the difference, but their relationship with the child.

Children are no different to us. Just because an adult tells them they’ll be okay, it doesn’t mean they’ll feel it or believe it. What they need is to be given time to actually experience the person as being safe, supportive and ready to catch them.

Relationship is key. The need for safety through relationship isn’t an ‘anxiety thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’. When we feel closer to the people around us, we can rise above the mountains in our way. When we feel someone really caring about us, we’re more likely to open up to their influence
and learn from them.

But we have to be patient. Even for teachers with big hearts and who undertand the importance of attachment relationships, it can take time.

Any adult at school can play an important part in helping a child feel safe – as long as that adult is loving, warm, and willing to do the work to connect with that child. It might be the librarian, the counsellor, the office person, a teacher aide. It doesn’t matter who, as long as it is someone who can be available for that child at dropoff or when feelings get big during the day and do little check-ins along the way.

A teacher, or any important adult can make a lasting difference by asking, ‘How do I build my relationship with this child so s/he trusts me when I say, ‘I’ve got you, and I know you can do this.’♥️
There is a beautiful ‘everythingness’ in all of us. The key to living well is being able to live flexibly and more deliberately between our edges.

So often though, the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ we inhale in childhood and as we grow, lead us to abandon some of those precious, needed parts of us. ‘Don’t be angry/ selfish/ shy/ rude. She’s not a maths person.’ ‘Don’t argue.’ Ugh.

Let’s make sure our children don’t cancel parts of themselves. They are everything, but not always all at once. They can be anxious and brave. Strong and soft. Angry and calm. Big and small. Generous and self-ish. Some things they will find hard, and they can do hard things. None of these are wrong ways to be. What trips us up is rigidity, and only ever responding from one side of who we can be.

We all have extremes or parts we favour. This is what makes up the beautiful, complex, individuality of us. We don’t need to change this, but the more we can open our children to the possibility in them, the more options they will have in responding to challenges, the everyday, people, and the world. 

We can do this by validating their ‘is’ without needing them to be different for a while in the moment, and also speaking to the other parts of them when we can. 

‘Yes maths is hard, and I know you can do hard things. How can I help?’

‘I can see how anxious you feel. That’s so okay. I also know you have brave in you.’

‘I love your ‘big’ and the way you make us laugh. You light up the room.’ And then at other times: ‘It can be hard being in a room with new people can’t it. It’s okay to be quiet. I could see you taking it all in.’

‘It’s okay to want space from people. Sometimes you just want your things and yourself for yourself, hey. I feel like that sometimes too. I love the way you know when you need this.’ And then at other times, ‘You looked like you loved being with your friends today. I loved watching you share.’

The are everything, but not all at once. Our job is to help them live flexibly and more deliberately between the full range of who they are and who they can be: anxious/brave; kind/self-ish; focussed inward/outward; angry/calm. This will take time, and there is no hurry.♥️
For our kids and teens, the new year will bring new adults into their orbit. With this, comes new opportunities to be brave and grow their courage - but it will also bring anxiety. For some kiddos, this anxiety will feel so big, but we can help them feel bigger.

The antidote to a felt sense of threat is a felt sense of safety. As long as they are actually safe, we can facilitate this by nurturing their relationship with the important adults who will be caring for them, whether that’s a co-parent, a stepparent, a teacher, a coach. 

There are a number of ways we can facilitate this:

- Use the name of their other adult (such as a teacher) regularly, and let it sound loving and playful on your voice.
- Let them see that you have an open, willing heart in relation to the other adult.
- Show them you trust the other adult to care for them (‘I know Mrs Smith is going to take such good care of you.’)
- Facilitate familiarity. As much as you can, hand your child to the same person when you drop them off.

It’s about helping expand their village of loving adults. The wider this village, the bigger their world in which they can feel brave enough. 

For centuries before us, it was the village that raised children. Parenting was never meant to be done by one or two adults on their own, yet our modern world means that this is how it is for so many of us. 

We can bring the village back though - and we must - by helping our kiddos feel safe, known, and held by the adults around them. We need this for each other too.

The need for safety through relationship isn’t an ‘anxiety thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’. When we feel closer to the people around us, we can rise above the mountains that block our way.♥️

That power of felt safety matters for all relationships - parent and child; other adult and child; parent and other adult. It all matters. 

A teacher, or any important adult in the life of a child, can make a lasting difference by asking, ‘How do I build my relationship with this child (and their parent) so s/he trusts me when I say, ‘I’ve got you, I care about you, and I know you can do this.’♥️
Approval, independence, autonomy, are valid needs for all of us. When a need is hungry enough we will be driven to meet it however we can. For our children, this might look like turning away from us and towards others who might be more ready to meet the need, or just taking.

If they don’t feel they can rest in our love, leadership, approval, they will seek this more from peers. There is no problem with this, but we don’t want them solely reliant on peers for these. It can make them vulnerable to making bad decisions, so as not to lose the approval or ‘everythingness’ of those peers.

If we don’t give enough freedom, they might take that freedom through defiance, secrecy, the forbidden. If we control them, they might seek more to control others, or to let others make the decisions that should be theirs.

All kids will mess up, take risks, keep secrets, and do things that baffle us sometimes. What’s important is, ‘Do they turn to us when they need to, enough?’ The ‘turning to’ starts with trusting that we are interested in supporting all their needs, not just the ones that suit us. Of course this doesn’t mean we will meet every need. It means we’ve shown them that their needs are important to us too, even though sometimes ours will be bigger (such as our need to keep them safe).

They will learn safe and healthy ways to meet their needs, by first having them met by us. This doesn’t mean granting full independence, full freedom, and full approval. What it means is holding them safely while also letting them feel enough of our approval, our willingness to support their independence, freedom, autonomy, and be heard on things that matter to them.

There’s no clear line with this. Some days they’ll want independence. Some days they won’t. Some days they’ll seek our approval. Some days they won’t care for it at all, especially if it means compromising the approval of peers. The challenge for us is knowing when to hold them closer and when to give space, when to hold the boundary and when to release it a little, when to collide and when to step out of the way. If we watch and listen, they will show us. And just like them, we won’t need to get it right all the time.♥️

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This