Anxiety - Page 47 of 49 - Hey Sigmund

Because you know they are mighty – now to make sure they know it too.

Anxiety is a really normal human experience. Sometimes it can become too big, and when children get caught in the tail whip of anxiety, it can swipe at their belief in themselves, their engagement with the world, and the glistening unfolding of their potential – but it doesn’t have to be this way. Anxiety is very manageable, and any important adult in the life of a child has a profound capacity to strengthen children and teens against anxiety and towards courage and resilience. With all anxiety, comes opportunities to strengthen children and teens with a mindset, skills and qualities that will lead them towards deeply fulfilling, brave, whole-hearted living. Let’s talk about how.

Latest Articles

Understanding Your Dreams

Dreams are a natural, normal part of the human sleep cycle. They aren’t prophecy, nor are they
7 Ways to Make a Big Impression with Small Talk

Small talk might start out small but master the art (and it is an art!) and who knows where it
Dear Sleep – I miss you …

Dear Sleep, I love you. I really do. I may have fought you as a kid, refused you as a teen. But
9 Surefire Ways to Recharge Your Relationship

The early days of any relationship are exciting, passionate and tend to feel a bit like magic.
12 Signs You’ve Outgrown Your Relationship

Relationships move through patches. Sometimes they coast along beautifully. Sometimes they
Managing Anxiety: 8 Proven Ways

Exams, traffic, an argument or a deadline are all enough to trigger a 'fight or flight' response,
The Simple Activity That Wards Off Separation & Divorce

It's fun. It's easy. It's cheaper than relationship therapy and it can put the handbrake on the
5 Ways to ‘Out’ a Liar

People lie. From little white lies to the lies that scar the world, lying is a fact of life. It's
Want to Feel Happier, More Confident, and More Powerful? Here’s How.

Changing feelings and thoughts can be difficult (oh there's an understatement for you!) but here's
This is Amazing for Brain Health – And It’s Probably In Your Pantry

Scientists have made a remarkable discovery about something that can heal the brain. It’s
The Simple Study Technique That Will Maximise Recall

Sometimes studying comes easily - read, remember, rinse, repeat. Other times it’s like chewing
5 Ways to Nurture a Positive Body Image In Kids

Sometimes you can actually hear the whoosh. It sounds like a heavy sigh but is actually the sound

Follow us

We would love you to follow us on Social Media to stay up to
date with the latest Hey Sigmund news and upcoming events.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

karenyoung_heysigmund

Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

May 29

Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel.

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation:

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

May 25

Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel.

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation:

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

May 23

We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

The @resilientkidsconference in Brisbane was a vibrant, energised, extraordinarily beautiful collection of 800 people, all coming together to be the best we can be for our young people.

I’ve been speaking to big audiences for years and this was one of the biggest. Was I anxious? Oh my gosh YES! More than you could imagine. Of course I was, because this mattered so much to me.

This audience was everything - engaged, curious, fabulous - and I wanted to be enough. You know who else wanted me to be enough? My anxiety. But you know what it wanted even more? Safety. So it swaggered in like a rock star, flagging all the things that could go wrong, and geez were there some things.

It pulled out stories of disaster: ‘What if you forget your words?’ ‘What if the power goes out and they make you dance on stage, ON YOUR OWN, in front of everyone to fill the gap? You’re not in your kitchen now. Lady.’ Thanks anxiety, I hadn’t thought of that one. (Like, honestly, I hadn’t thought of it.)

And stories of deficiency: ‘What if you aren’t good enough?’ ‘What if the things you say aren’t worth it?’ Ugh. I’ve heard it all before. (Except the dance one. I hadn’t heard that before.)

Think of anxiety like a fence. Sometimes this fence feels like a brick wall for sure, but whatever it is - a wall, a fence - it has a way through - a door, a gate.

Not all fences are there to keep us away. Some are there to let us know that something important is on the other side. This is why we have to ask, ‘Is this a time to be safe, or brave.’

I get more anxious than you could know, and I love this work more than you could know. I love when you come and tell me your stories. I love sharing mine with you.

Melbourne and Adelaide, you’re next and it’s going to be phenomenal. @michellemitchell.author, @maggiedentauthor, @drjustincoulson, and the whole incredible RKC team would love you to join us.

This conference is incredible. I don’t say this because I’m a part of it, but because the love and importance and effort that everyone involved puts into this makes it that way.♥️

Google ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ or see here for details https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

May 21

The @resilientkidsconference in Brisbane was a vibrant, energised, extraordinarily beautiful collection of 800 people, all coming together to be the best we can be for our young people.

I’ve been speaking to big audiences for years and this was one of the biggest. Was I anxious? Oh my gosh YES! More than you could imagine. Of course I was, because this mattered so much to me.

This audience was everything - engaged, curious, fabulous - and I wanted to be enough. You know who else wanted me to be enough? My anxiety. But you know what it wanted even more? Safety. So it swaggered in like a rock star, flagging all the things that could go wrong, and geez were there some things.

It pulled out stories of disaster: ‘What if you forget your words?’ ‘What if the power goes out and they make you dance on stage, ON YOUR OWN, in front of everyone to fill the gap? You’re not in your kitchen now. Lady.’ Thanks anxiety, I hadn’t thought of that one. (Like, honestly, I hadn’t thought of it.)

And stories of deficiency: ‘What if you aren’t good enough?’ ‘What if the things you say aren’t worth it?’ Ugh. I’ve heard it all before. (Except the dance one. I hadn’t heard that before.)

Think of anxiety like a fence. Sometimes this fence feels like a brick wall for sure, but whatever it is - a wall, a fence - it has a way through - a door, a gate.

Not all fences are there to keep us away. Some are there to let us know that something important is on the other side. This is why we have to ask, ‘Is this a time to be safe, or brave.’

I get more anxious than you could know, and I love this work more than you could know. I love when you come and tell me your stories. I love sharing mine with you.

Melbourne and Adelaide, you’re next and it’s going to be phenomenal. @michellemitchell.author, @maggiedentauthor, @drjustincoulson, and the whole incredible RKC team would love you to join us.

This conference is incredible. I don’t say this because I’m a part of it, but because the love and importance and effort that everyone involved puts into this makes it that way.♥️

Google ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ or see here for details https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

karenyoung_heysigmund

Can’t wait to see you Brisbane! Saturday 20 May had bounded up to us with its arms open - and we’re so ready.

If you don’t have a ticket and would give your very last lamington for one, don’t worry - tickets are still available from ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ (on google). Here are the details:

Date and Time: Sat 20th May

Time: 9.30am – 3:00pm (Doors open at 9.00am for a 9.30am start)

Location: Main Auditorium, iSee Church, 8 Ellen Street, Carina Qld 4152

Parking: Free parking onsite

Cost: $85.00 AUD

We’d love you to join us.♥️

May 19

Can’t wait to see you Brisbane! Saturday 20 May had bounded up to us with its arms open - and we’re so ready.

If you don’t have a ticket and would give your very last lamington for one, don’t worry - tickets are still available from ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ (on google). Here are the details:

Date and Time: Sat 20th May

Time: 9.30am – 3:00pm (Doors open at 9.00am for a 9.30am start)

Location: Main Auditorium, iSee Church, 8 Ellen Street, Carina Qld 4152

Parking: Free parking onsite

Cost: $85.00 AUD

We’d love you to join us.♥️

Pin It on Pinterest