Anxiety is unpredictable, confusing and intrusive. It’s tough. Not just for the people who have it but also for the people who love them. If you are one of those people, you would know too well that the second hand experience of anxiety feels bad enough – you’d do anything to make it better for the one going through it.
We all have our ‘stuff’ – the things that we struggle with. Ultimately, they are the things that will make us braver, wiser, stronger, more compassionate and better humans. It’s just the way it works. The difference with anxiety is that the struggle is more visible.
Whether we struggle with anxiety, confidence, body image – whatever – there are things that we all need to make the world a little bit safer, a little bit more predictable, a little less scary. We all have our list. When someone you love has anxiety, their list is likely to look at little like this:
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It’s no biggie. So don’t act like it is.
In the thick of an anxiety attack nothing will make sense, so best not to ask what’s going on or if they’re okay. No. They won’t be okay. And yes. It will feel like the world is falling apart at the seams. They’ll be feeling awful, but they’ll get through it. If you’ve seen it all before there’ll be no need to ask anyway – and they’ll love that you know not to. Ask if they want to go somewhere else – maybe somewhere quieter or more private. Don’t panic or do anything that might give them the idea that you need looking after. Go for a walk with them – physical activity is the natural end of the fight or flight response, which is the trigger point of anxiety. Otherwise just be there. They’ll know what to do. They’ll have done it plenty of times before. Soon it will pass and when it does they’ll be able to talk to you about what has happened, but wait for that. Then listen. We all love when someone is able to just be there.
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There’s a bit to know, so if you can understand everything you can … well that makes you kind of awesome.
It makes a difference to be able to talk about anxiety without having to explain it. On the days they don’t feel like they have it in them to talk about it, it means a lot that you just ‘get it’. If you’ve tried to understand everything you can about what it means to have anxiety then that’s enough. Anxiety is hard to make sense of – people with anxiety will be the first to tell you that – but it will mean everything that you’ve tried. They’ll love you for it.
[irp posts=”1100″ name=”The Things I’ve Learned About Anxiety – That Only People With Anxiety Could Teach Me”]
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It’s physical.
Anxiety is a completely normal physical response to a brain that’s being a little over-protective. It’s not crazy and it’s not deficient. There’s a primitive part of the brain that’s geared to sense threat. It’s all action and not a lot of thought and it’s in all of us. For some people, it fires up a lot sooner and with a lot less reason than it does in others. When it does, it surges the body with cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenalin to get the body ready to run for its life or fight for it. This is the fight or flight response and it’s in everyone. It’s just that in some people (people with anxiety) the ‘go’ button is a bit more sensitive.
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You’ll want them as part of your tribe. (Seriously. They’re pretty great to have around.)
Because of their need to stay safe and to prepare against the next time anxiety rears its head, people who struggle with anxiety will generally have a plan – and they will have worked hard to make sure it works for everyone involved, not just for themselves. They’ll make sure everything has been organised to keep everyone safe, happy, on time and out of trouble. They’ll make sure everyone has what they need and if there’s anything that hasn’t been thought of, well it’s probably not worth thinking about. Notice the good things they do – there are plenty. Let them know you love them because of who they are, including who they are with anxiety, not despite it.
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Anxiety has nothing to do with courage or character. Nothing at all.
Courage is feeling the edge of yourself and moving beyond it. We all have our limits but people with anxiety are just more aware of theirs. Despite this, they are constantly facing up to the things that push against their edges. That’s courage, and people with anxiety have it in truckloads. Remind them that you see who they are and that this has nothing to do with that anxiety thing they do sometimes. People with anxiety are strong – you have to be to live with something like that. They’re sensitive – they’ll be as sensitive to you and what you need as they are to their environment. That makes them pretty awesome to be with. They’re reliable – to control for the potential of something triggering an attack, anxious people will go the extra step to make sure there’s a plan and that everyone is safe, happy and have everything they need. They’re intelligent – they’re thinkers (which is what gets in their way sometimes). They can be funny, kind, brave and spirited. So I suppose it’s like this – they’re no different to anyone else. As with everyone, the thing that trips them up sometimes (their anxiety) is also the thing that lifts them above the crowd.
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Make sure there’s room to say ‘no’. And don’t take it personally.
Sometimes plans might need to be changed to steer clear of anxiety stepping in unexpectedly. People with anxiety will be sensitive to your needs (they’re pretty great like that) and changing plans isn’t something they’ll do lightly. Your flexibility will never be taken for granted. There are many things in the environment that most people think nothing of, but which can be the beginning of an anxiety attack for a brain on hyper-drive. Things that are ambiguous or neutral can sometimes be read as a threat – not by the person, but by an overprotective brain. People with anxiety are super-aware of everything going on – smells, sounds, people, possibilities. It’s exhausting when your attention is drawn to so many things. Don’t take ‘no’ personally – they’re never meant like that. Know that just because they might not want to be doing what you’re doing, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you. Keep offering – don’t assume everything you offer will be met with ‘no’ – but be understanding and ‘no big deal’ if you aren’t taken up on your offer. They are saying no to a potential anxiety attack. Not to you.
[irp posts=”824″ name=”Anxiety in Kids: How to Turn it Around and Protect Them For Life”]
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Loads of lovin’ never hurt anyone.
Be compassionate and be there. Talk up the things you love about them. There will be times that people with anxiety will feel like they are their anxiety and that they are a source of difficulty. (Who hasn’t felt like they’re making things harder than they need to be? C’mon be honest.) Specifically, I’m talking about when plans have to be changed, when you need to book a few rows back from the front row, turn the radio down, take the long way. If this is the worst you have to deal with in a friend, sign me up.
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Anxiety can change shape.
Anxiety can be slippery. Sometimes it looks the way you’d expect anxiety to look. Other times it looks cranky, depressed or frustrated. Remember this and don’t take it personally.
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Don’t try to make sense of what’s happening.
People with anxiety know that their anxiety doesn’t make sense. That’s what makes it so difficult. Explaining that there’s nothing to worry about won’t mean anything – it just won’t – because they already know this. (Oh boy do they know this!) They would have told themselves not to worry a billion times the number of times you’ve said it to them. If it hasn’t helped so far then one more won’t make a difference. Be understanding, calm and relaxed and above all else, just be there. Anxiety feels flighty and there’s often nothing that feels better than having someone beside you who’s grounded, available and okay to go through this with you without trying to change you. Telling them not to worry is as effective as asking you not to think about pink elephants. Really try not to think about pink elephants swinging from a vine. With flowers in their hair. Just stop thinking about them, those crazy big pink babes. See how that works?
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Don’t try to change them.
You’ll want to give advice. But don’t. Let them know that to you, they’re absolutely fine the way they are and that you don’t need to change them or fix them. If they ask for your advice then of course, go for it. but otherwise, let them know that they are enough. More than enough actually. Just the way they are.
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‘You just need to get over it,’ said the person who doesn’t get it.
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Anxiety just happens and often there’s no real target. So if you’re suggesting they just need to ‘get over it’, the obvious question is get over what? If people with anxiety only needed a bit of direction to ‘get over it’, they would have given it to themselves and been over it long ago. Telling them to get over it is like telling them they’re doing something wrong. You don’t tell an asthmatic just to breathe. Tough love isn’t love. It’s just tough. Actually it isn’t even that.
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Don’t confuse their need to control their environment with their need to control you. Sometimes they look the same. They’re not.
The need to control for everything that might go wrong is hard work. For the same reasons that drive anxious people to make sure that everyone has what they need, everyone is looked after, that things are under control and the likelihood of anything turning bad is minimised – for the same reasons you’re looked after – you might also feel controlled. See it for what it is. It’s the need to feel safe and in control of the possibility of anxiety running the show – not the need to control you. You might get frustrated – that’s okay – all relationships go through that. Having compassion doesn’t mean you have to go along with everything put in front of you, so talk things out gently if you need to. Don’t be critical though. Nobody likes that. Just remember, while your resistance might look more like a ‘won’t’ theirs looks more like a ‘can’t’.
And finally …
Know how important you are to them. Anyone who stays around through the hard stuff is a keeper. People with anxiety know this. Being there for someone during their struggles will only bring the relationship closer. Nothing sparks a connection more than really getting someone, being there, and bringing the fun into the relationship – because you’ve gotta have fun. Be the one who refuses to let anxiety suck the life of out everything. And know you’re a keeper. Yep. You are. Know that they are grateful – so grateful – for everything you do. And that they love you back.
My ex boyfriend suffers from anxiety stemming from issues from his childhood. He has disclosed a little bit to me but not much. I witnessed an attack for the first time a week ago. He then broke up with me about of the blue that evening. He said he had planned it. We have spoken a few times since. He says he needs to sort himself out before he can be in a relationship. He loves me and thinks I am an amazing person but is frightned of getting worse and making the relatinoship worse and wasting my time in the end. I love and care about him hugely and am not phased by his anxiety. We are both in our 30s. I will give him all the time and space he needs. Is there anything else I can do?
It sounds as though you are being wonderful and giving him exactly what he needs. Just let know that you’ll be there for him when he is ready and that you understand he needs time. Let him know his anxiety doesn’t bother you – we all have our stuff and if that’s his, that’s okay with you.
The same thing happened to me, with the exception of the panic attack ( I haven’t witnessed any panic attacks that I know of) we then agreed on giving us time, but my mom was in town and called him -without telling me-which he responded with not being able to get together and resulted in a (now regretful) fight. His birthday’s coming up and had his gift already but with all this mess and discussions I don’t know if it will do him good or I will be contributing with the anxiety?
Recently found out my daughter has anxiety and depression. Trying to deal with her silents at the same time afraid she could not get out of that and harm herself. She refused to go see counselor. What should I do? Anyone as a parent who has same situation like me, I hope you can share with me. Also, for teenagers who has anxiety, please share your feeling and how to help.. I really appreciated. Thank you
Megan I understand how painful it is watching someone you love hurting like this. One of the reasons people with depression might decide not to get outside help is because depression brings a sense of hopelessness with it. There’s a sense of ‘what’s the point’. Has she been diagnosed by a doctor? Are you able to talk to the doctor – maybe he or she can speak with your daughter about the importance of getting extra support. I know the helplessness can be awful but the growth is your daughter’s. You can’t make someone actively get support – I wish it could be different. What you can do is be there for her as a strong, steady reliable presence. Ask her what she needs from you, though she might not know.
Here is an article about supporting someone with depression https://www.heysigmund.com/when-someone-you-love-has-depression/.
Here is another one about research that found that doing meditation and exercise together can decrease depression https://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-depression-meditation-exercise/ – and another one about the things that can help with depression https://www.heysigmund.com/the-non-medication-ways-to-deal-with-depression-that-are-as-effective-as-medication/.
Here is a link with plenty of information about anxiety and how to manage the symptoms that come with that https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/.
As painful as it is to watch your daughter hurting, know that you don’t need to fix anything. Just be there and love her unconditionally. You can’t do any more than that, but that will always be so much more than enough.
Thank you so much for your quick reply. Your words and articles helped me a lot as I am confused and lost and feel nobody there for me when found out my daughter has depression. She did not diagnosed by doctor. She attempted to suicide and I do not know how to help. She totally changed to different person and it scared me. I trying to search is medication really helpful as I heard lot of side effects and bad comments about medication will drive them more depress?
I have anxiety and I’m going away for a week with a buddy. And my anxiety is driving me crazy. But you know what I’m going anyway I’m pushing through it. Because if I don’t. I never will. I will miss my wife and kids for that week but I know they will be there when I get back. I’m not letting this sto me no way my anxiety can go jump off a bridge.
George you’re so right! Some things are worth pushing through, as hard as that feels. Enjoy your week away.
My 16 year old son has started to suffer from anxiety. In May he had several panic attacks a day,although the panic attacks have reduced his levels of anxiety are very high ,he always seems to need reassurance that he’s ok and nothing is going to happen to him. The only thing is he does not believe its anxiety and always thinks it’s something else. I feel helpless as a parent and not sure what I can do for him apart from the reassurance I give him daily, and it so hard to watch him like this. What can I do?
I really understand the awful feelings of helplessness when one of your kids is struggling. All of the anxiety articles are on this link https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. There is plenty there so take your time over it. The one that I think will help is this one https://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-anxiety/. It explains the physical symptoms of anxiety and why they happen. Understanding this can be really empowering. There is also plenty there about ways to manage anxiety. Hopefully there will be something in there that can bring some comfort to your son.
Hey sigmund
Honestly I don’t know what to do my wife suffers from anxiety and has an ocd towards germs everything can be dirty in a split second and she can flip and it lasts for days I’ve read what u wrote and some of it makes sense and some don’t for the people who haven’t dealt with something like this they make think the person is crazy but from experience it’s a very hard thing to deal with day in day out especially when the person can shut down in an instant maybe u can help by explaining what to do I’ve dealt with this for over a year now and it is ruining a marriage there has to be a way to help
Angelo I can hear how much you want things to be better for your wife and your relationship. Talk to her about what she needs from you. If her anxiety feels as though it’s really becoming intrusive, it might be helpful to get outside support from a counsellor. There are ways to manage anxiety, but when it’s severe it can be hard to know where to start, or to believe that anything can make a difference. That extra support can be key.
So yeah big idiot writing after the disaster, here. I want to thank you for your article. My girlfriend has anxiety and she’s also in the med profession so she knows all about what she’s got and she’s done a fair job of explaining things and my background in alcoholism helped but as she was going into what is now a 3 week long battle I didn’t see it for what it was, I’m in the middle of the pacific ocean and she’s on the east coast. I needed to talk, she got wrapped up in all her stuff, I ended up in the back seat and just added to her anxiety with everything else going on. Instead of stopping, stepping back, accepting what she was telling me, I hit almost everything you mentioned about what not to do…but before I read this article I did send out one last note saying “hey I’m here and not going anywhere” and of course called myself an idiot when I sent her the link to this article. We’ve known each other for 13 years but didn’t start dating or talking in that manner until about 7 months ago so I was clueless and also arrogant that I knew how to handle this because there were little attacks that were easy to talk through and so I evidently I wasn’t paying attention. yes there is the possibility that she should’ve said something along the lines of “hey, things are getting sketchy” but her past is also filled with abusive men that didn’t get it and yelled n screamed so she did what she always did in the past. Thanks to that it’s been almost 2 weeks since we actually talked and over a week since any electronic communication. So having said all of that, my theory is I need to let her come to me when she’s ready, and I’m even leery of sending happy notes….thoughts?
My questions is, how much support and help is too much? I find myself being the one asking my girlfriend how shes feeling and wanting to talk about her anxiety issues more than she does. I want to know and be aware of the moments when shes feeling the way she does and how long they last. I ask her if she thinks its serious enough to where going to a specialist would help and if medication is a question. She has no problem talking to me about it and reassures me she has it under control and tries not to let it affect her. She describes it as chest pains and feeling worried about absolutely nothing at random moments which can be confusing. But after deciding to educate myself more on the subject i kept finding myself in forums like this wanting to hear from other people and some stories were both eye opening and in some cases frightening. Stories of people who are immobile in their homes and deal with anxiety every second of everyday. It broke me down emotionally and has to this day make me feel anxious about the situation. Just thinking of someone who i love so much has to deal with this hurts me. I question if shes hiding all this pain so that i wont worry. We use to talk about our future and one day starting a family. Truth is these recent events have put a pause on the engagement on my end because i worry if her anxiety will worsen with age? Will we be able to have healthy children? Will i have to question her feelings when shes quiet at a football game or outing? Will she be able to be there for me emotionally when i need her? And the simple fact that it is not curable and be apart of “our” lives from now on. I read positive stories but then stumble across those who say theres no such thing and everyday is a struggle not only for the person with it but with their partner as well. I want us to be happy and not pretend to be. Everything I’ve been doing lately and all my attention has been directed towards her. If im not at work on my computer looking up anxiety, i am with her making sure i dont say or make a wrong move to trigger anything and it has been mentally exhausting doing this everyday from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep for the last 8 months.
1)What can i do to help us “both”?
2)Have studies shown that it can worsen with age? I keep hearing 2 sides to this that it gets better or gets worse. She said she felt it really bad for 3-4 weeks straight when she first started feeling it 2 years ago and now happens occasionally here and there randomly not more than a couple of hours or day.
3)I keep reading it is not a good idea to not seek help even if you feel you do not need it. Is it a safer bet to see a specialist before it can worsen? Or is she being honest about it not really affecting her?
4)She stays active playing tennis on weekends, has a 9-5 job, practices self control from what tells me, we have as many friendly gatherings as possible because we love our friends, and she drinks an occasional glass of chardonnay more often now. Is this to hide the pain since 2-3 glasses gets her buzzed, or simply because she likes it? I cant tell and worry it can go downhill in the future
5)What category of anxiety would classify hers in? She doesn’t have panic attacks from what im aware of, shes not socially awkward but fears it, shes able to leave the house and do errands, shes still very much ready to go to a football game or surfing. She just feels anxious and feels it in her chest sometimes with no reason needed. I just want to better educate myself since going to a specialist at the moment is not an option for her.
6)Am i worrying more than i should and do a number of people really have control over it and live a regular life? Like i said i keep bringing up the topic more than she does and makes me think im stressing more than i should and or making her think about it when shes not.
Sorry for the long post but i needed to express the issue. I do want to be with her regardless of this or anything else. Truth is i just worry for our future. I dont see her as being emotionally crippled and know she loves me because shes constantly showing me. And i make more of an effort now more than ever to show her i love her and want to to support her. I also want people reading this who are suffering to know that theyre are people out there who really care about you and willing to go the far and beyond to help you be as happy as you deserve to be. Thank you so much!
Erick it’s great that you want to help her girlfriend, but it’s important to be guided by her as to what she needs. If she says she’s okay, believe her! It sounds as though her anxiety is really well under control. Anxiety exists on a spectrum and people learn to manage it really effectively in all different ways. Anxiety is so common – you would probably be surprised to find how many people you know are dealing with it without you realising. Research is finding so many more ways to manage it effectively with and without medication.
There is evidence that anxiety runs in families but this is largely determined by environment. What this means is that it if you are anxious about her anxiety, you are just as likely to contribute to any potential for your children to become anxious. The environment is key. There are many ways that very loving, committed, wonderful parents can create environments that make anxiety worse. Things like overprotecting, modelling anxious behaviour (rather than brave behaviour), allowing the child to avoid the thing they are scared of etc. Again, these are all things that can be managed.
People with anxiety have anxiety from time to time – that’s it. They have incredible strengths and are no worse to be in a relationship with than anyone else. People with anxiety are generally strong, brave, considerate and emotionally intelligent. They thing of things that others haven’t thought of – they’re great to have on your team!
It sounds as though your girlfriend is managing her anxiety really well. We all have our ‘stuff’. For your girlfriend, she struggles with anxiety from time to time. I have people in my life who I’m really close to who have anxiety. They are warm, generous, strong, brave, wonderful people who I couldn’t imagine being without. Anxiety absolutely would NOT be a dealbreaker for me. I hope you are able to work through this together. It sounds as though you could be a great team.
A friend of mine has anxiety. This is new for him, he’s 20. He has always lived at his mother’s until this year. Him and his buddy’s got a place, but now he feels too crammed and has been having attacks. He wants to move to an apartment by himself. Is this a good idea? When he has an attack it sends him to the emergency room. Is there a guide for where a guy like this should live?
It can be a big adjustment moving out of home and sharing with a friend. It sounds as though your friend knows what works for him and what doesn’t. Encourage him to do what feels right for him – he’s likely to have a really good idea of what that will look like. People with anxiety are generally really good at knowing their triggers, although sometimes with anxiety there are no clear triggers at all. If it feels okay for you, let him know that he can call you any time. If he calls you when he is anxious, help him to ground himself by asking him what he sees, what he feels, smells etc – this will help t bring him back to the present moment and find calm. You sound like a great friend.
I agree with Jill. The issue isn’t about being more compassionate. The anxiety disordered person needs to get help for their anxiety not just expect everyone to accommodate the same old patterns over and over. Anxiety is one of the easiest disorders to treat, there is treatment available. Doing nothing and asking others just to deal with it is not acceptable of fair to the family members or really to themselves.
This article is for an UNDERSTANDING about anxiety. Pretty sure that people living with anxiety know that they may need help. No one wants to live with it. Takes time and practice. So if you choose to be with someone that has anxiety you will need to establish paitence.
I agree that getting help is essential. It is troubling when people cause great pain to others without seeking a solution, but sometimes anxiety itself makes a person too afraid to get help. As someone with anxiety, I can say it is NOT EASY to “get over”. Also, not everyone realizes they have a problem. You can get used to feeling anxious all of the time. It can become a normal state. It’s often a lifelong fight. I have tried many medications which all caused me health problems (like gastritis- I couldn’t eat anything without severe stomach pain, another caused facial swelling etc.). I have tried CBT using a workbook at home and talk therapy. I am much better than I was when I started, but it took significant time and effort. I hadn’t felt calm and content in years. I just kept it to myself. I was young and I had no idea what was going on. Once I started getting treatment it was a huge deal to feel calm! I had forgotten how that felt. Now I have an anxiety attack about once a month. I feel calm often. I feel like this is a huge victory! However, I still suffer terrible guilt when my anxiety impairs my ability to care for my family. Not everyone is as lucky as me. Even with medication and therapy some are too debilitated to work, or even leave their homes.
How do you know anxiety disorder is one of the easiest disorders to treat. You could not be more wrong! This is the hardest thing in my life that has happened to me and I have been through having a child, back surgery, infusions, deaths and living with a panic disorder is the worst thing that ever happened to me. You need to learn your facts before you speak.
Not okay–it is not okay to have to hear yet again that my anxious spouse just needs a little love, understanding, and space to not be involved in normal life activities. I’m still a keeper as a spouse, even if this disorder makes me mad as hell, grieve for the full life I am not able to have, and pissed at my spouse for being difficult to live with. Articles that acknowledge how devastating and depressing partnering with an anxious person is are giving you the real deal. Talking the disorder down and acting like it’s okay to live a lonely life accommodating an ill partner presents a false version of life as a partner of anxiety. Try again please.
Jill, you have a right to feel all of those things. I can hear how angry and frustrated and sad you are and all of those are completely understandable. You have a right to feel all of those things. I expect your spouse may also feel these things in relation to their anxiety. Anxiety can be awful like for everyone – the person who has it and the person who loves them. It’s so important to remember that anxiety isn’t a choice. I expect anxiety also makes your partner mad as hell that they are unable to do the things they want to do. I expect your partner also wishes very much that his/her anxiety didn’t get in your way – it would feel bad enough that it gets in theirs.
If your partner had food allergies, would you be mad as hell at him/her for not eating the same food as you? If your partner was in a wheelchair would you be mad as hell about their inability to walk when you need them to? Maybe. And that’s completely okay, but it doesn’t mean the target should be your partner.
Anxiety is a physical condition, not a chosen one. People with anxiety can’t ‘get over it’ any more than an asthmatic can ‘get over’ not breathing during as asthma attack. Anxiety happens in the brain – a strong, healthy, brain that works too hard sometimes and is a little too sensitive to threat. There are so many strengths that come with anxiety, but there are also ways it holds people back. This is no different for the rest of us – we all have our limits and we all have things that hold us back. The limits that are imposed by anxiety are not done by choice. Nobody chooses anxiety and nobody chooses to be limited by it. Nobody is suggesting that you should be living a lonely life and I’m really sorry this is what is happening for you. I wish it could be otherwise. You deserve a full, rich life. So does your partner. Anxiety can be difficult for everyone. Support and understanding and some accommodation for the things that are difficult at times is something we all need to be better for ourselves and the people we love.
Hey Sigmund,
I agree that, in the moment of an episode (i.e. after the release of cortisol and adrenaline, usually with rapid breathing), there is a chemical element that cannot be reasoned with; all you can do is keep the individual safe, comfort them, and wait for it to pass.
However, while it may be true that generalized anxiety disorder is a hormonal and endocrine based response, classifying it simply as a physical condition and/or disorder is inaccurate. Cognitive behavioral therapy–without medication–is a long-standing and effective method of treatment for those suffering from GAD. Comparing it to other medical conditions which are treatable only by means of medical procedures (such as asthma, paralysis, and allergies) is, at best, a disingenuous and unfair comparison.
To be clear, you should never tell someone currently suffering from anxiety disorder to just “get over it”. From a clinical perspective, the fact is that since the triggers of anxiety are psychological, those with generalized anxiety CAN actually “get over it” with the help of a licensed professional–so long as the “it” in question is GAD symptoms as a recurring illness, and not an anxiety attack happening right now.
Anxiety is absolutely a physical condition. If it is not a physical condition, what is it? Are you suggesting it’s a choice? Not understanding the physical nature of anxiety, and suggesting that it’s otherwise, contributes to the stigma that is driven not by facts, but by grossly ill-informed, outdated opinion. There is an abundance of scientific evidence that shows an anxious brain is wired a certain way – not better, not worse, just different. This wiring also brings great strengths. Here is one article that will explain some of the research https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-why-the-worry/.
An anxious brain is wired to be super-sensitive to threat – it’s physical. In the same way people with asthma (I’m one of them) or allergies know that there are things that will trigger an attack so they avoid them, people with anxiety also have a need to avoid the things that will trigger the physical side of anxiety. Just because the chemicals aren’t surging in a particular moment, doesn’t mean they want to invite them in. Anxiety, like asthma and allergies is something that has to be managed. One of the ways people do this is by avoiding the things that will trigger it. This can be difficult for the people who love them, but it’s important to understand that it is NOT something they do to be difficult, but something they do to avoid the awful physical symptoms that come with anxiety.
Are you suggesting that because anxiety can be managed without medication, this is proof that it isn’t physical??? Really?? In some cases, anxiety is so severe that the only way some people can manage it is with medication. Depression can also be managed in some cases without medication. Are you suggesting that depression isn’t physical? If I have a headache or a cold and it gets better with medication, does that mean it’s not physical? That I’m ‘faking’ it? That it’s all in my head? That I’m just trying to be difficult?
One of the reasons CBT works is by changing the wiring of the brain. Exercise and mindfulness also do this. Every experience we have changes the wiring of the brain. Exercise and mindfulness in particular have been proven by extensive research to change the physical architecture and structure of the brain – this is why they are beneficial for anxiety. Here is an article on how exercise does that (https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/) and mindfulness (https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/). Anxiety is physical. It is no less physical than asthma, allergies or paralysis. The avoidance that you see in people with anxiety is to avoid the physical symptoms that come with anxiety. Before you publicly accuse me of being ‘disengenuous’ and ‘unfair’, it would be best to make sure you are informed. Hopefully this has helped with that.
GAD is less physical than asthma. No one can learn their way out of asthma. We can’t manipulate our lungs with our minds at that level (though through exercise, diet and relaxation, we can manage our asthma).
Many people can learn their way out of anxiety and do so, often by safely, and in a supportive environment, facing their fears, not avoiding them. Our brains are malleable (though perhaps for some people, less so and our set points may differ, so some of us may be wired to be more anxious than others but even we can still shift along the spectrum). We can alter our brain (organ) with our mind (sensory experience of our brain) and also through the experiences we have with our body (exercise, diet etc). We can learn to be less anxious.
I’d guess your motivation to paint anxiety as physical is because you want people to respond with empathy to those suffering from anxiety? I agree, we should be loving and empathetic to those struggling with an anxiety but this is a moral stance, not a factual one. We don’t have to accept anxiety is like a broken leg, in order to treat people lovingly. I don’t think anxiety is any thing like a broken leg and I still empathize with how overwhelming and hard anxiety can be.
GAD/SAD is not either a physical condition or a choice. That’s a false dichotomy. Rather, as we learn how to be in the world, we develop coping styles or patterns of behaviour. If we don’t have the tools, emotional and social support and internal sense of self to feel like we can deal with the world, then new experiences, social environments, challenges and threats etc, may feel insurmountable and give rise to feelings of intense panic. Panic is not nice and so feeling like we can’t cope, we avoid the situations that trigger our panic and therefore miss the opportunities for corrective emotional experiences (e.g.public speaking won’t kill me) and skill building (e.g. practice, technique, preparation).
You can’t just snap out of an anxiety attack or choose to be less anxious, rather you choose how to tackle your anxiety (perhaps through positive self-talk, meditation,interrogating how rational your beliefs are, choosing to move through your anxious feelings in order to do the things you want to do, acknowledging your anxiety etc) and over time you become less anxious and better able to cope. A better metaphor for anxiety than an illness might be physical fitness, you can’t snap in to being physically fit. One run is not going to make you an athlete. Even worse your first run is probably going to suck and leave you red faced and panting but over time, with commitment, discipline and repetition, you’ll become a runner and then running will be second nature to you. There may be times, you’re less fit than you’d like or you skip your runs, but even then you’ll never feel as unprepared to run or as overwhelmed by the idea of running, as you did when you first began.
This isn’t a competition about which is more physical – anxiety or asthma. Nor is it a ‘moral stance’. I very much welcome healthy, robust debate, but suggesting that my articles are not factually informed is patronising and ignorant of the facts. ANXIETY IS PHYSICAL. The wiring of the brain is different, not better, not worse, just different. We can alter our brain, as you point out – are you suggesting the brain isn’t physical? Anxiety is activated by the amygdala. The amygdala is a part of the brain that is responsible for our fight or flight response – a physiological response that prepares us to deal with possible danger by surging our body with various neurochemicals that make us stronger, faster, more powerful, more alert. As you can see – physical. With anxiety, the amygdala is particularly sensitive and will tend to sense threat or danger when there isn’t any. When that happens, it hits the panic button and initiates the physiological fight or flight response unnecessarily.
Exercise and mindfulness can be very powerful in managing anxiety, and they do this by physically changing the structure and function of the brain. The fact that they are a non-synthetic way to rewire the brain and strengthen it against anxiety does not in any way mean that anxiety isn’t physical. The brain is physical. The fight or flight response is physical. The surge of neurochemicals that causes the physical symptoms of anxiety is physical. The rewiring of the brain that comes with various strategies is physical.
Many people are able to manage their anxiety. I am an asthmatic and I have learned the things that trigger me and the things that can strengthen me. I will probably always be prone to asthma. Some people will always be prone to anxiety. Does that mean one is more or less physical?
If you are still questioning that anxiety is physical, or that my claim on this is ‘moral’ rather than factual, here is an article that might help to clarify things further for you https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-why-the-worry/. It explains how the brains of people with anxiety are wired differently – as in physically differently – not worse, not better, just different. Here is another article that explains the physical symptoms of anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids/ and how anxiety is a physiological response. Here is another article that explains how mindfulness physically alters the brain in relation to anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/ and another that explains how exercise does the same https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/.
Here is another one that talks about the ‘brain in our gut’ and how the environment of the gut (again, physical) can influence anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/our-second-brain-and-stress-anxiety-depression-mood/.
Hopefully this will fill in any gaps in your knowledge. Hopefully also, you will now be able to see anxiety for what it is, and move forward from the ridiculous idea that the only reason people struggle with anxiety is because they haven’t done enough of ‘something’ to cure themselves of it.
These articles are actually helpful to some. If they aren’t helpful to you, don’t read or better yet don’t respond.
Hi Jill, Im going to just say my part and I hope for your family you can take this lightly and maybe it will help you?
I am a young woman with crippling anxiety at 23. I have had a lot happen in my life that only really matters to me because they are my experiences alone. The point is is that I feel justified in my saddness- but I know I am in the wrong anyway because i should be stronger than letting small things control me. I would love to talk to somebody without feeling as if they are doing me a favor or dont take me seriously. If we were to have a heart to heart i would expect you to think i was being meladramatic. My family thinks i am a drama queen. I have been wanting to die for over 10 years and not a single person thinks im honest about it because i havent gone through with anything. I am proud of myself for keeping myself this strong for this long, even though it gets harder everyday.
Why does it get harder? Because im alone. I have lived with my husband for years and i love him and I know he really loves me too. But he spends everyday trying to cope with my disability instead of helping me get out of it. If he could ignore what he thinks he needs to do and seriously just give me the chance and support and encouragement to get out in the world. He makes excuses for me to people we have known forever but had no idea i was having problems. Example: My 5 Year HighSchool Reunion was coming up. I chose to just save our money because we had some bills coming up and not enough time to visit both sides of family and travel. Even though I bought nice makeup (NYC used to work good enough for me) just so I can keep up that way. I have always hated makeup but in todays world you dont look put together without it… im not on good terms with my class of only 64,including myself, I was always the person calling to see what everyone was doing, and never got invited. He remembers it as I was to stressed and scared and too embarrassed to go.
Things are not “allowed” to get better once the people aronud you know there is a problem. Walking on egg shells probably feels inevitable to you, but in my situation I would have a weight lifted if I didnt have to feel bad for something I probably didnt mean or understand or couldnt explain. I feel so guilty for what Im doing to my relationship but everyday before he goes to work he says, “Today will be a good day, right?” Like I choose… If something last second comes up he makes a huge deal about making sure im calm and that messes everything up. I understand life happens and I cant control everything, but I shouldnt have to take a step back to convince him I will get over it and lets do whatever came up because thats the only way I wont have to worry about it anymore and thats ok.
I am blowing off my grandparents right now just because I know I havent talked to them and my dad said they are sad. So now i cant stop shaking and choking on my throat everytime I seriously try to pick up the phone… This is the stupidest thing I have ever done and i am humiliated that this is as real to me as it is.
My point is only this; I feel as if my husbands knowledge of my insecurities and anxious feelings I get make everything worse. He says he tries to understand, and I dont want him to! I just want people not to care that i am having a hard time in my brain. We keep talking about it and he really thinks i want to and it will help. I tell him that i would love for him to just play a video game while i do paperwork and even thogh he wont do it he says “every time i try this happens”. Meaning the fight he just started. He doesnt try to do what i asked until i beg and beg and tell him i needed that. But then i dont need it anymore and he doesn’t understand how to help the entire situation next time…
I hope this helps you understand, but i have told my husband this crap twice today alone and i feel as if i have to leave him so that i can have room to breathe. If he would give me a safe environment without making me feel bad about it life would improve for me at least! Hope things get better for you too… (Anxiety makes us people pleasers, failing makes us desperate to succeed) please understand when family forces one to get outside help it makes us feel unwanted and like you dont want to understand for yourself, you just want us “better” which just rips a hole through me…
Thanks for the long story which already said everything I wanted to say –
Ya. For me If ppl around that keep trying to help but not the way I want or act like they think anxiety is really big deal really sick. That would make me feels bad.
Sometimes. I don’t mind if ppl understand me or not. I just don’t want to explain thing over n over again when I know u won’t get it no matter how many times I tell u. Which is really annoying n sometimes drive me crazy.
That’s why I don’t really tell anyone I have anxiety. I know they might misunderstand about things that I might do is weird or crazy n over react. I rather u don’t understand better than u treat me like something else.
I have anxity like 10years around already.
Started from something happened to me. But like “vialetstar said the only matter to me. I know I’m better than before.
But sometimes….
anxiety is really something just popup without making sense and reason.
Fds got mad about why I suddenly left.
Think that I’m over react on something.
Think I’m totally nothing but lazy just don’t want to do anything but chill at home. But sometimes that’s what anxity do when it got me. I know a lot of ppl wouldnt misunderstand how or why.
Or even think that anxiety is an excuse for ppl wants to be weird.
What makes myself feel better when it came to me. Is do whatever feels more relax and comfortable at that time. Maybe just lying in bed alone. With no ppl around. Lock the door. And just feels like nothing will be sudden happen to me. So finally can be more relax. Sometimes… All u know is just take sometimes to pack up and stand again.
Violet star….when you said at the end of your reply…”if he would just give me a safe place……” Please describe that safe place. I need to understand…I am with someone with GAD. thanks K-cat.
Violetstar- I hear you loud and clear- needing space to be as you are in anxiety and out of it, feeling the pressure of loved ones wanting you to ‘get better’ – as opposed to their love and concern, and desire to see you through it.
I also,have anxiety, and am learning that Imgotta be the first one to accept myself and this condition- as in i gotta own it first- or i cant think others will- doing this is also helpful because it makes others reactions to my anxiety less powerful. I’ve been in therapy and mindful meditating also- both things giving myself and taking the space when i need it- ‘owning it’ – and this is helping me. Being OK with feeling anxious- and the repercussions – being ok with being anxious in public.
I know there is more i can do- and yet i dont always do the best things to take care of myself…
I wanted to know if you have any advice for what works with your partner in building mutual understanding? I feel like i am two people – or the anxiety state is a third wheel in my relationship-
I agree with Jill, There are many beautiful things in my life to be grateful for, but they all come with a cost. It’s so hard living with a person with anxiety. Until they figure it out, the state of partnership is “unknown”. Worse, because anxiety and depression are mostly together it feels like it pigeon holes you as a partner. My problems go to the back burner, and no matter how broken I feel. I cannot express that to my partner without her relating it back to her own feelings. I feel like I’m being attacked from all angles without a corner to scream out. So what do I do? I try to make things more neutral. I try to take away things. At first it was things like: Budget, house chores, cooking, loud music and noises. That was quickly overlooked though, as these were viewed as straws of her burden she carried “us” for “so long” not even acknowledging how much I have taken away from things she used to do and still do the things I have always done. I mean we are a couple right? If those things were her strengths why not apply mine elsewhere? Not to mention, I was going to school, work, and being involved in an exhaustive schedule mostly of her making…what time did I have for those things? After I graduated school, I was able and equipped to be a great deal more help. That seems to get lost in our arguments. I feel like I have no time for me when she and her anxiety are around. I love to do art & poetry and my inspiration has always come at night, but I am guilty by her if I want to stay up beyond when she wants to go to sleep. It comforts her when I am in the bed next to her. I feel suffocated, snubbed out and mostly imprisoned. I’ve turned to anger or checking out in social media. I have been voyeuristic at other people’s lives and coming into balance with the world’s sorrows and joys instead of living mine. I felt helpless in my life and it was always followed by abuse. So my immediate reaction is to associate this new pain with that and become very irritable and extremely angry. I thought I had escaped that helplessness, and now I’m in another. I get so fucking sick of seeing her cry without me being able to do anything that I have come to despise her for it. She relives her anxiety with our friends during time we go over to un-wind. Time I am happy to see someone who doesn’t have anxiety. I look like the asshole because I appear un-phased, but I have been dealing with it for 2 years on! I feel mute. I feel hostage to not being able to express my own sadness. Now we throw our child into the mix, and I am trying to let him live a life without having him hostage to this as well, and I’m overwhelmed. When I try to talk about my own feelings it feels like it always comes back to her. And who am I to complain of a foot ache to an amputee? . My wife is getting the best me anyone ever has seen. Because of her condition, I am not privileged to her best. I get the face no one else sees in her professional place. I get the hurt, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, overly emotional person and at times I get to see who I love most. I am so hurt and hopeless, what can I do?
wow… I just read your entire story, and I sympathize with you to the fullest… my fiancé has been dealing with anxiety for 2 years now… and, in parallel, I have been dealing with it. Although I am not diagnosed with it, living with someone who suffers from it makes me feel like my world is closing in as well. Often finding myself having to walk on egg shells, or having to watch my every word when I address her…it’s tough! And as a result, I feel like her punching bag…whenever her anxiety surfaces, I get the brunt of it. She gets upset at the small things, and sometimes I’m left with my head scratching.
Another issue is that, because I dont understand (and never will) fully understand how it must feel to live WITH anxiety, I become angry and mad at times. Her irrationality maddens me at times, and I take it out on her. Sometimes I feel imprisoned. There are times where I want to work on my own passion (music, art, etc) but always hesitate before bringing it up because I do not want to flare up her anxiety. And that damn anxiety has her address me in rude tones at times, or just sharp. And in the heat of the moment, I forget that it’s the anxiety talking, and not her, and I respond with equal (or higher) negativity.
We have a 10-year old daughter… and she sees the shift in atmosphere in the house when anxiety makes an appearance…and in front of her, I do my best to steer clear of arguments with her because of said anxiety (which, I feel, forces her to relinquish all self-control)… sometimes I feel caged man… I feel like, I can’t speak to anybody about this (like my friends or family) because chances are, they won’t even understand the gist of it…
I just wish there was something I could to truly help her… but…I feel like my hands are tied… the constant quarrels, the numerous arguments, the multiple verbal sparring…I’m no doctor but there are times where I feel like I can do/say things to help her, and sometimes, that same olive branch gets broken right in my face…
Jones, get out if you can. ASAP. Gracefully if possible – but get out. Have you read/researched Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? It is not to be confused with bipolar – it is VERY different. What you described sounds to me like you’re living with a BPD. Typically highly empathic people like you are attracted to them and vice versa. You want to help. You try to help. There is no help that another can give them – in rare cases with extremely specialized psychotherapy it may be possible. Does she acknowledge she has anxiety or is always your fault?
Hi. Does anyone know of a forum for partners of anxiety sufferers? There are a few posts here about how hard it is, and people (like me) feeling at the end of their tether. A proper forum for bitching sessions and practical suggestions for making the relationship work would be great. Anyone know of any?
Thanks
My hubby shows no outward sign og being anxious he just rips into me verbally. Bringing up stuff I supposedly did years ago. Some of the hurtful things he says makes me wonder if he even likes me. I have to walk egg shells because he has anxiety but he can be rude and hurtful but we cant discuss it cause it makes him anxious. He has been working on his mental health and belongs to a support group and everyone says he is doing so well and he is but they dont have to live with him. He saves mr snappy for me. Im tired of being snapped at, im tired of walking on egg shells. And im scared because, now he is so much better than he was I think thats this may be the best its ever going to get and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
Wow! I think we live the same life. I feel strongly that we should not encourage the idea that this is ok if someone has anxiety, take ownership go to therapy, take your meds, work on yourself . it’s not ok if you can’t meet your responsibilities and the needs of your spouse, children etc… stop asking others to manage you
I feel so lonely and isolated and it is very hard when I have my panic attacks because it is embarrassing to have someone see me have one and it also freaks out my pug (dog) because he senses and knows when I start shaking and have to get out of the house and (out of my skin). I am trying all kinds of meds and I go weekly to an Anxiety Treatment Center for help. I just feel so lucky I do not have a spouse or friend like Jill who is Mad as Hell that her husband has this disorder. What a “””””! Do you think we enjoy this! I have considered suicide over living like this. Her husband needs to get away from her as fast as he can! How about one ounce of compassion?
Hello,
I’m trying to cope with my boyfriend leaving me due to his anxiety. We only dated for about a month and a half, which seems so little and insignificant, but it was wonderful for the first month. We both have kids all under 7yrs old. He has his kids part time and I have mine all the time. He said he loved me and my kids and wanted all of us to be a family. He invited us to his home where our children bonded and we spent time together like a family. He was so happy around me and my kids. I was nervous because I had a fear that he might change his mind, but he did some things that are rather personal, but honestly don’t happen unless someone is super commuted. Then one night he thanked me for loving him, and I told him it was involuntary and he could thank me when it became difficult. He said it would, and I said I know, but I want to work through things with him bc I love him. The next day he was distant. He became more and more distant. There was less communicating and less romance. We still had sex, and I would try to make time for us to hang out, but he was detached, as if he was going through the motions. This made me extremely insecure, and I confronted him about it. He said he was in a dark place and he was unsure about everything. He didn’t want to break up, but he didn’t want to drag us through this. A couple days later I noticed he was liking a girls picture on social media and friending another girl. I asked him why he didn’t want to talk to me but was interested in looking at other women. He assured me that he wasn’t looking for other women, he was too exhausted and busy for that and didn’t want that. He said the girl was his friends girlfriend. Then he said he wanted to be alone. I tried to convince him to try to work through things with me. He refused. He said when he felt better, we might try again but without involving the kids. Now I see he is friending another woman on social media. I feel as though he shows many signs of anxiety and depression. He can’t sleep. He’s confused bc this has apparently never happened to him before. But idk where I am to go from here. If he is going through something I want to be there for him, but if he is open to a new low-commitment relationship with other people (which I’m not sure he is) , is that really something someone with anxiety and depression does? I’m meeting him for lunch tomorrow to try to gain some understanding and closure. He says he can’t afford therapy right now. What should I do? How much hope is there? Our kids adore each other. My kids adore him. I adore him. I don’t want to give up on someone that has become such a big part of my family. I love him.
Loree I can hear how confusing this is for you. Without knowing what’s happening from his side, it’s difficult to know how much of his leaving is about anxiety and how much is because of other reasons. If he acknowledges that a lot of the distance you are feeling is because of anxiety, there are certainly things he can do outside of therapy to help manage his symptoms. This has to be up to him though. The answers will only come through conversation with him. Hopefully he will be able to give you some clarity on this. I completely undersatnd how difficult it is when someone leaves and leaves so many unanswered questions behind. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for writing this. Some one close to me is having a rather tough time with anxiety and reading this really has helped me understand what i can do, and that i shouldn’t take it personally.
Thank you
Mitch you’re so welcome. I’m pleased the article found it’s way to you. Know what a difference you can make when you can be there as a gentle, solid support without taking things personally.
This was a great article. Really insightful and explains a lot. I do have a bit of a question though. My boyfriend has bad anxiety and this was something he made clear to me before we even went on a first date. We have only known each other for 6 months but a lot has happened in that time and I feel I am getting a better understanding of him. However a problem always arises if I ever have an issue with anything. As soon as I try to address any issue he will get annoyed and say he doesn’t want an argument (usually because he has had bad experiences with exes in the past) and will say that I’ve upset him. I’m a very understanding and patient person but I find it difficult not being able to talk about how I feel about certain parts of our relationship. I literally just want a discussion, not an argument but I’m unsure how to go about things. Is there ever a good time to address any issues or is there a certain way I should go about approaching things?
Sean to a large extent, this will depend on your boyfriend. Sometimes, however much people want to hear how you feel, they might actually hear things as an ‘attack’. To minimise the possiblity of this happening, make sure that you bring things up when you’re calm and connected. That way, the fight or flight part of the brain will be less likely to misinterpret what you are saying as an attack. It’s also important to be careful with your tone and the words you use, to make sure that you’re doing everything you can to make sure that you’re not coming across as though you are irritated or annoyed. This is when the fight or flight response will come into play and things could lead to an argument. Also, wherever you can, include the things that you love about him and the things you are grateful for. This can help to soften the landing of any information that’s difficult to receive. Remember though, just because you say things calmly and non-judgementally, that doesn’t always mean that’s how it will be received. It’s why relationships can be so tricky sometimes. Just do what you can to give your message as non-critically and non-judgementally as possible.
Really great article and i hope i receive a response. I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 years and 6 months. Just last year, july 2015 she started getting anxiety and started getting anxiety attacks. I love her so much with all my heart and i would do anything for her and my love for her continues to grow. She is from bangladesh and im hispanic. Her parents dont really approve of me at the moment because they feel that she should finish college first before being in a relationship and i understand that but we have been together since high school. She is 20 and i am 22. So last year while i was in ecuador, her family went to connecticut to visit her parents friends and there was a boy there whose almost 30 and from bangladesh where they are from. She talked to him and enjoyed talking to him and her mom would push her to talk to him more. My thought was because hes bangladesh he would be accepted. So my girlfriend started talking to him and because it makes her parents happy she kept talking to him and she liked talking to him and out of no where literally she left me a week later for about two days for this guy even though she saw him only once in her life. She told me that it felt right and that she feels like it was a sign from god to meet him and talk to him. After two days she realized that she wants me and only me so we got back together and she stopped talking to that guy but throughout the whole year she felt that it doesnt feel right because she second guesses herself since her parents would approve him before me. Her mom basically gets things into her head and that really messes with her but im still here fighting through it all because i love her so much and i would never give up on her. So now this brings me to this summer july of 2016 and the bad anxiety she had last year came back again. She had three dreams about that same guy after a whole year of not talking to him and now she feels like its a sign to talk to him and get to know him. She added him on facebook and she told me shes not going to message him at all so i told her to just delete her facebook then but she says she doesnt want to incase he messages her. And just to bring it up again, this she has literally seen this guy once in person last year and texted him for about 2 days last year and thats it. She tells me she wants to know for herself that shes not interested in him and she feels guilty about it. I told her i understand and that if thats what makes her feel better than ill be okay with it because she feels that im being understanding which i am. There are times where her anxiety goes away, not completely but it subsides and we have the time of our lives when we excersize, go to the city, and do different events to the point where she cries because she loves me so much and when its time for me to drop her off, she doesnt want to leave the car and shes always like five more minutes and ofcourse im going to stay there with her because i also want to stay with her. She means the absolute world to me. She changed my whole life and made it better and even though she has anxiety, she is still perfect to me. She is the girl of my dreams come true. When she doesnt see me consecutively in a week and shes by herself thats when she starts overthinking about things and starts thinking about that guy and how her family would accept him but there are times where she actually defends me a lot when her mother talks trash about me. When i tell her its her anxiety talking about the guy she says no its not i feel like its real but then the next week when shes with me all week, she is absolutely happy and tells me she loves me so much. This anxiety about this guy and the dream she had just started happening last week when i went away for a week training in other state for my job and i just need help on what i should do. I want to marry her, i want to have kids with her and grow old with her but im scared sometimes when her anxiety hit and i actually cry at times because i love her so much and dont want to lose her. I hope you answer me back because one thing i left out is……… I also suffer from anxiety a bit and have ocd with certain things where i overthink things and she knows it but i put her anxiety and want to support her more because hers is different than mine. Please help because we really need it. Thank you so much in advance
Carlos I’m sorry you and your girlfriend are going through this. If she is telling you that it isn’t anxiety, I think it’s important to respect that. She’s confused because of the message she’s getting from her parents, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s anxious. It sounds as though your girlfriend needs some time and space to make up her mind as this has been going on for a long while. It sounds as though she loves you very much, but she also loves her parents and wants to make them proud of her. It’s such a difficult situation. Ask your girlfriend what she needs – space? time? And also decide what you need – no contact with him? No social media connecting with him (because of the history)? Its important that you both have a clear path and clear commitment.Talk to her about what that will take and what each of you need to get that.
Hello! New to the site, looking for reassurance..
June 21, 2016 (a day I will now forever regret) I smoked marijuana for the first time and got so high and it triggered some type of anxiety disorder.
I’m 24, and normally a really relaxed person, never ever been anxious or depressed. Although I always found it hard to make and keep friends, I was never really bothered by this until recently.
At the time of my mistake, I was stressed because I really like this guy and he doesnt like me, in addition to the fact that I’m job searching -with no success- and was waiting for a loan approval to finish school.
Since my mistake with marijuana, I’ve had ongoing panic attacks, several sleepless nights, tachycardia, dizzyness, the works! Completely irrational thoughts worrying about searching for jobs, never making friends, never finishing school, never being successful, never getting married never being happy, etc. (Stuff that have crossed my mind before, but now these have become fears and wont LEAVE D:)
Tragic thing is, before my marijuana mistake, I was already in the process of fixing all my problems ; (
As of now my loan is approved to finish school, im waiting on a job position I applied to and I’m just so ready to return to normal and be happy again.
I’ve been on 25mg of Zoloft since June 28, 2016 and I’m beginning to see the positive effects (and the general zombie effects) of the treatment. I’m scheduled to go up to 50MG these next couple of days and I’m scared, I dont want to depend on this too much. I’m always dizzy and I’m forgetting a lot of small details about things.
Is there chance I will return to normal after my treatment? (I’ve also started seeing a psychologist in this treatment process). Also, no one told me how long this process will be. I just want to return to normal :T
My family was first patient with me but now I can feel their patience wearing thin. I’m losing patience myself too
; (
Thank you for your time
Tina there is every chance that you will return to the way you were before marijuana. This sounds like a stressful and exhausting experience for you. What you need to know is that brains can change, and you have a lot of power to change them in the way you want them to be. I’m pleased the Zoloft is helping, but it’s important to do other things to strengthen your brain against whatever has happened. The things that are really powerful and have been proven to do this are mindfulness or any type of meditation https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/, exercise (try about 30 minutes 5 times a week) https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/, food that’s healthy for your brain https://www.heysigmund.com/simple-ways-to-supercharge-brain-health-and-mental-performance/. The reason it’s important to do these things is because the medication will help temporarily, but you don’t want to be on it forever. While the medication is keeping your symptoms manageable, these three things will strengthen your brain by boosting neurochemicals and changing the structure in a positive way. Remember that it’s important that you don’t stop the medication without the supervision of a doctor, but there’s no hurry to do this. Let your doctor guide you on that. The brain is an amazing bit of machinery It has an amazing capacity to change, and you have a lot of power to direct it, strengthen it and build it. You will get through this.
I am a naturally pessimistic person. Nervous when like having had to go to dinner with friends or something like that. I had thought those to be natural as normally people would feel. The fear though and the worries can at some point be exaggerated in my mind. Lately though, a very nervous event happened and I felt slightly affected. It in turns affected friendships with my friends. As a result, I became more anxious and anxious. Yet, I cannot explain what is wrong with me. I keep reimagining past events and refuse to let go. When source of my anxiety is present or near, i tensed up. That I notice. When I am frustrated, my emotion got the best out of me such as anger and trying to keep people away. I noticed that. Also, my friends see me as a controller but they failed to understand that usually my tendency to control is to make sure things turn out right or with minimal risks as possible. What frustrated me also is I supposed, they failed to understand me.
What you are describing makes so much sense and there are so many people who would understand what you are going through because they are going through a similar thing. Anxiety can be really difficult to understand for people who haven’t gone through it. It sounds like at the moment, your mind is in a cycle of negative thinking. This is a really normal thing that happens sometimes, but it’s important to be deliberate about stopping the cycle so it doesn’t keep you stuck. If you don’t already, I would really encourage you to get into a regular practice of mindfulness. This has been proven to train the brain to stay more where you put your focus. One of the things that can cause trouble is when your mind spends too much time in the past or the future. Mindfulness trains it to stay in the present. Here is some information about that, and there are some great apps that can help with to get started if you would like more guidance https://www.heysigmund.com/mindfulness-what-how-why/. Try not to take the reaction of your friends personally, although I know how difficult that can be. You have a wonderful capacity to think of things that other people haven’t thought of – that is one of the reasons you feel yourself worrying so much. You have a mind that is super-sensitive to any potential threats in the environment and because of this, it works hard to warn you and keep you safe. That doesn’t mean the threats are real, and the challenge for you is to start experimenting with this. You have so many strengths – the key now is to start training your mind to respond to things more in a way that is healthier for you.
Hello,
Thank you so much for your response. I am setting my mind to think what could go right instead of wrong. I am more optimistic this way. I appreciate the suggestions very much. Will try and do everything I can to tackle this issue.
Hey. Been with my bf for 9months. He’s had some kind of major anxiety thing I don’t really understand and he has just shut me out. He’s not speaking to me. It’s been 3 weeks with no reply to text msgs or calls. What can I do?
If he isn’t talking to you or returning texts or phone calls, there isn’t much you can do. What makes you say this is anxiety driven? Has he told you that? Has he asked for space or did he shut you out without warning? Anxiety may mean he needs space but it is not anxiety that would make him mean – and shutting you out without warning is mean, if this is what has happened. Ask what he needs from you. If it is space ask how long. There is nothing wrong with needing space but there is a lot wrong with not talking to you first about what this space will look like and why it is needed.
Brilliant article. I have become paranoid at times as my wife who is suffering from anxiety occasionally struggles to say she loves me, sleep with me, show natural affection. I have been so upset thinking its over resulting in me reacting badly, smothering her, not giving her enough space, irritating her at times by constantly asking her if she loves me. We have been together 20 years and married for 15, we met when I was 17 and have two beautiful children we love dearly. I know deep down she loves me however he head is so messy at times she is struggling to love anything in life. When she told me ‘its not about me’ I slowly realized that talking about my feelings and worrying about her feelings towards me was not the priority. How can she love me if she is struggling to love herself? As a result I am being very observant, caring and supportive without pressuring her into anything. My marriage and family are the most important things to me, becoming paranoid certainly wont help me or my wife. My wife has never been overly affectionate anyway so I certainly cant expect her to change now, the good thing is I still make her laugh:) she thinks I’m funny although slightly annoying at times.
Jonny you sound like a wonderful husband. It sounds as though your relationship is built on a very solid foundation. I understand though how frustrating and sometimes lonely it can be when it feels as though there isn’t enough affection. It sounds like this isn’t personal towards you though, and more about personality than a reflection on your relationship. If both of you can still laugh and appreciate a sense of humour after 20 years, it sounds like you have something special.
Great article, I have extremely bad anxiety, the more I try to ignore it the more likely a panic attack comes on harder and harder then before, It’s like constantly walking around drunk or high even though your sober, in other words it completely removes your mind and body from reality, with me it doesn’t have to be an actual situation the mere thought of something happening or knowing i need to go somewhere or do something can strike a panic attack. Terrible way to live, have had this now for 3 years off and on more on then off, I just wanted to say from an anxiety view that your article is very true and well written it is such a debilatating disease and i know its hard for people to understand even when they try to “help” most of the time there making it worse.
Thank you so much for your article…
Ive barely moved in with my boyfriend as he recently noticed he has anxiety from cocaine he used to do. Now it is getting harder for him to cope with his anxiety, he wishes he never touched the drug. He has panic attacks where his heart races and at times he says he doesnt feel like “he is there” He doesnt feel real and he cries to me which breaks my heart because he’s never cried to me. I need to know what else I can do to help him relieve this pain and annoyance he goes through, Thank you so much for all that you have already helped me with!
I’m so pleased this article has helped you. There isn’t much more you can do than that to be patient and understanding, but it will mean everyhing that you are there, and trying to understand. All relationships will go through difficult times but it’s how you both deal with these difficult times that makes a great relationnship. I can hear how open you are to giving your rlationship what it needs. It sounds as though you are already being a wonderfully supportive, loving partner. Keep doing that for as long as it feels like the right thing to do, and don’t underestimate what this means for your partner.
Thanks – this was well written and useful to me in getting in touch with my compassion. One thing I notice in a lot of advice articles is that they assume the reader has the resources to deal with whatever is occurring. In life anxiety is normal, these interactions go both ways and both partners may experience anxiety at the same time, or at different times. A key thing for me is to recognise when I know what I would like to do for the anxious partner, but I just can’t do it at all, or at that time.
Julian we are all only human and we can only do what we can do. Even with all of the love and good intentions none of us can always give what is needed in a relationship – and that’s okay. Sometimes our resources are stretched to the limit, and sometimes needs compete. That’s really normal. What’s important is the commitment to being as good for your partner as you can be. And you’re right – relationships are two ways. The more two people look after each other, the more they are able to look after each other. It’s important that both partners have their emotional wells replenished from time to time.
I’m in high school and I tried dating this girl a few months ago and things went by way to fast imo. I would greet her every day with a hug and kiss and same for when I left ( I was excited that I finally had a relationship with this girl I couldn’t hold back my feelings) and all of the sudden she broke it off . a few months later she texts me saying she wants to try again. and I was ecstatic once again. but since we started again (its been about a month) she has yet to open up to me about anything. we hang out like once a week and every time we hang out she is tired and doesn’t talk much. I know she struggles with insecurities and anxiety so I know why its the case. But we dont communicate at all, like in class we would barely talk to each other and when alone I tried to bring up our relationship once and she couldn’t say anything about it in person. later that night she sent me a few paragraphs of text about who i was to her and what i meant but since then Ive heard nothing about “us” and I really just want advice on how to move forward this relationship because I’m so confused and have no idea what to do :/ (we were close friends before any of this started, and now I feel like we’re less when we should’ve become more.)
Thank you for this article. My fiancee struggles with general anxiety and depression. It has taken 3 years of being together to *finally* really start to understand her panic attacks. But even still, although I understand them academically, and actually love her even more from the complexity and beauty of her mind, I know that I deal with her episodes incorrectly. Instead of being the listening ear, I find myself getting defensive, hurt, and upset.
I’m a natural planner — your typical Type A that can’t be satisfied unless I have a thousand and one things on my plate. I’m also not naturally an overly empathetic person — “tough it, face your obstacles, overcome them” was the motto of my household growing up, and the one I still live by for my own personal struggles. So am I unfit to be with someone who needs a companion who can slow down, not care about canceled plans and trips, and totally and selflessly show nothing but compassion and understanding?
I fear I actually make my fiancee’s anxiety worse. I see the way she crumbles when I do not cope correctly. I love her more than anything…but at my core, is my personality and view of life just too different to safely and effectively support her? Can a person just simply “not be right” for someone who suffers from anxiety? My heart oft tells me she would be better with someone else…
It’s not that a person can ‘not be right’ for someone with anxiety, but that sometimes two people don’t work well together. All relationships are about compromise and negotiation. Whether you are with someone with anxiety or somebody who doesn’t have anxiety, there will always be things that need to be figured out together. All people have their deal makers (the reasons you stay) and the deal-breakers (the reasons you don’t). It’s now for you both to decide whether you can work through the things that push against you. Whether or not she will be better off with someone else is not for you to decide – that’s her decision. Your decision is whether or you would be better with someone else, or whether you are able to work through the difficulties between you to create something worth holding on to.
My bf has severe anxiety. I don’t really know how to deal with it. I’ve tried so hard to be supportive but I’m six months pregnant. Both of of us don’t have a job. I was layed off and had to go on ei, but that’s cut off now. My bf hasn’t worked in almost 5 months. The economy is doing really bad and everyone is fighting for a job. So when my bf gets a good offer, he turns it down. “Knowing he has a baby otw” I feel like he’s putting the full responsibility on me. I’ve payed multiple times for his medication. He sometimes wouldn’t take them. He would also say “these ones don’t work”. I feel like he’s making so many excuses. We cannot afford to wait on him to get better. It’s too much stress on me and I honestly don’t know what to do.
My son suffers so bad with anxiety disorder, this time round he hasnt left the house for months, my whole family do not understand that is the most frustrating thing of all. I feel so let down by them, they just do their duty by calling and saying you ok, and all they want to hear is yes. so thats what i tell them. I feel so bad for my son he is really struggling and often tells me he wants to die
Anxiety can be such a difficult thing for people to understand if they have not been through it or had experience with it before. It sounds as though your son may need some professional support. Would he be open to seeing a counsellor? Anxiety is manageable, but sometimes it needs a little hand. I really believe that a counsellor would be able to help your son to get on top of his anxiety and stop it getting in the way of his life the way it is.
His actually just started CBT but quite honestly his been down this road before and im not convinced. Also his into his second session and his so anxious i am not certain he is able to even concentrate. What is the answer, he keeps saying he wants to die. i am at my wits end
Read the article, read a lot of stories, read more articles, and am beginning to understand the tip of the Anxiety iceberg.
I’ve fallen head over heels in love with a smart, funny, beautiful woman. She let me know up front that she has anxiety and that she was hard to deal with. Not knowing fully what I was getting myself into, I proceeded to fall deeply in love.
There were struggles, there was pain, but I’ve managed to change the way I think and realize that when she says it’s not me, it’s her, she really means it. I’ve never met anyone like her, she is everything your article says and I love her just the way she is. I’ve told her this many times and I treat her like the Princess she is.
I’ve known her for a about a year now and we go to dinner from time to time, I’ve been to her house several times (which was really difficult for her, I was in her “bubble”), and once we get together and talk about dumb stuff I can actually see her relaxing. It’s really nice.
We aren’t officially dating, she does NOT want to be in a committed relationship with me, mainly because she worries that she will end up hurting me, not the other way around, because of her anxiety. I’ve told her I will always be there for her, day and night, any time she needs me. I’ve told her that I will be patient and as understanding as I can be. Sometimes it’s very difficult, the relationship we have is wonderful, but it isn’t like relationships with those that do not have anxiety.
I struggle with knowing that I love her and the fact that we may never be together. I’ve been as open and honest with her as possible, letting her know my feelings without judging her.
I guess my question is:
When I start to get depressed because I sometimes feel… hopeless, how do I cope? I go through some serious ups & downs and I try to hide most of it, but the hopelessness is very difficult to deal with at times.
She is very good for me. I can tell that she cares for me but I can also tell her anxiety won’t allow her to care for me. I love being around her, talking to her, she is captivating and interesting and I can’t get enough. I also feel that I would be good for her as I’m a pretty patient guy and I feel I can be a solid person in her life that somewhat understands her and will do anything for her.
Thank you ahead of time for any advice you may have.
Rob I can see how deeply you care about this woman – it’s beautiful. It is also important that the relationship is a healthy one for you. It sounds as though she has been very honest with you about not wanting to be in a committed relationship with you. What this means is that for your own sake, any further investment in this relationship from you has to be with the acceptance of that. If your depression is around your hopelessness of the relationship becoming more, you need to listen to that. As wonderful as the relationship might be and as strong as your connection might be, it is now for you to decide if what you have now is enough, because she has told you with the greatest respect and honesty that that’s the way it is likely to stay. This is no reflection on you or her or the strength of your connection. You can have a wonderful connection and friendship but if staying at this level hurts too much, then it is important for you to take time to think about whether you can move forward from that, and have the friendship as enough, without need for more. Your friendship sounds tender and honest and beautiful but the question is will you be OK to keep the friendship if it never becomes more, or will that continue to hurt you. It is something that only you can answer and I wish you love and strength as you contemplate this.
So I am Marine and currently deployed. I was in a long distance relationship with a woman who suffers from anxiety and depression. The distance was getting to her and then deployment made things really hard for me to be there for her all the time. I know she loves me deeply just as much as I do her. We were best friends. She broke up with me cause she felt that the distance was too much, but she kept going back and forth. After our break up we still talked and kept going back and forth on whether we would work. She told me that when she thinks of a life with me she wants nothing more, but the fact that we are from different countries was too much, plus the stress of deployment. She said she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore.One day she would say I was her rock and she loved me more than anything. Then the next week, she said that she doesn’t wanna talk anymore cause we both need to move on. I have a feeling that when I get back from deployment things could work again. Is this just her anxiety talking and she is trying to cut things out that hurt her.. Or is this really how she feels?
Thank you
John I understand why this is so confusing for you. It sounds as though you are getting mixed messages on some levels, but a clear one that the distance is too much. The thing is, it doesn’t matter if it’s anxiety talking or not. It sounds as though however much she cares about you and would like to see things work, the distance is just too much. It sounds as though she is being really honest with you, and I would have the greatest respect for her for that. It’s not easy when you care about someone to let them go, even if the reason is a valid one, which it sounds as though it is. If she is giving you a clear message that the distance is too much, it would be in your own interests to believe her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t think the world of you, what it means is that the distance makes it too hard, which is understandable. If you need to, have one more conversation, but make the decision that you will believe whatever message comes from that. I can hear how much this has hurt you, and whether you end up together or apart, I hope that you are able to find some certainty soon.
Appreciate it. So we talked last night cause she was having a bad day. She initiated the conversation. She said she loved that I know she is having a bad day without her having to say anything. We didn’t really talk about anything hardcore. She did say she is drying the flowers I sent her. It sounds as if she doesn’t want to let go either. So I’m just gonna be there for her and see what happens.
This was a great and powerful article. Very motivating and educational, thank you very much.
I’ve been in a relationship for seven months with a wonderful woman who suffers from anxiety. From day one, she made it very clear that she suffers from anxiety and some depression. When we first started dating she was wonderful, I found out she was weaning herself off of her medication and soon after we had our first altercation.this happened a few more times and I realize that without medication, her reactions are very different. On meds, she’s just a little softer. Not as argumentative and doesn’t keep going on and on about the same thing. We have gone to therapy together, seeing a psychiatrist and she’s being treated. It seems that she does not want to be on medication. The doctor prescribed some Prozac and she was on it for a couple weeks saying she doesn’t feel any different. After her follow up visit, I asked how it went and she said that she was supposed to take them twice a day not once. I noticed that she will not follow the instructions and take the dosage she thinks is best, usually less than the actual prescribed amount.
My dilemma is this, my lack of understanding anxiety and my expectations of her being able to do adult, responsible every day things, scares me and pushes me away. We have been talking about getting married and having children. Every step closer I see something that scares me and I take a step back. She can only work part time as she can handle a full time job. She sleeps a lot and is always feeling bad. I want to start a life and a family with her but worry I will be taking care of her and our child and it worries me. Every time I take a step back I notice this affects her and this vicious cycle has been going on for quite some time. I’ve been really busy at work and haven’t been paying as much attention to her as she likes. That was the genesis of a conversation a few days ago where she expressed her frustration of me not moving forward fast enough. I’ve mentioned my hesitancy, gingerly as not to put my foot in my mouth, but I’m moving at a snails pace and I can see how frustrating this is for her. To wrap it up we had a conversation it escalated I was frustrated and the mention of taking a break ended with she doesn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t argue my point and apologize and promise to move faster as I usually do and agreed with her. I felt a sense of relief but feel terrible for her and I miss her dearly. It’s been two days I’ve sent her a text and one email saying I really don’t like how things ended with us. I was very emotional at the time and abrupt with you over the phone.
You deserve an explanation why I reacted as I did and you deserve it in person.
I respect you and would like an opportunity to see you. When is a good time?
No reply. I’m afraid she is shut me out and I’m really not sure what to do. I really love her and care about her and I need some advice. What should I do?
My ex girlfriend has depression and anxiety and I’ve been doing the wrong thing this whole time. I read this article and realized that I’ve told her to get over it and done a bad job listening and supporting her feelings. She says she loves me but can’t be with me. I just want to make right. I don’t want to necessarily pursue a relationship with her again right now but I genuinely am worried about her and feel like I don’t have the tools or the knowledge to be effective especially after she’s made it clear that I have screwed up royally. What can I do to resolve this or help her understand that I want to make the effort to understand her pain. Because right now I can’t say I understand but I love her and I need to better understand. Please help.
Don’t be hard on yourself – anxiety can be hard to understand if you haven’t ever experienced it. It’s great that you want to now understand what you can. If you don’t understand, but want to understand, then try telling her that. You don’t have to have all the answers but it will mean a lot that you’re trying to get as many answers as you can.
I told her that I want to understand and I’ve been researching trying to better understand, but she also can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong. She’s appreciative that I’m starting to make the effort and is open to trying to figure it out. However, when I ask what’s wrong she simply says that she’s unhappy. Not because of me or anyone else directly, but just unhappy all the time. Are there ways I can be supportive and listen although neither of us knows exactly what we’re up against? I tend to try to give her advice or show her the positive things about her life, but according to some of the information I’ve found, this isn’t always the best way to communicate with someone suffering from anxiety and depression. Any information, tips or advice about how to be supportive of her or communicate effectively with her would be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you.
Recently read this because I fell out with someone who has anxiety. I didn’t know that she did and she no longer wants to communicate with me any more as she says she needs space. Reading this has helped me understand a bit more of what she is going though and why she did what she did when I talked to her. She only treats me this way though, I am hoping it’s because she thinks I am close enough for her to tell me what’s going on even if she ignores me after that. However, even if she does I told her that I would wait for her if she wants me to and I won’t force her into anything. Not being with her is a bit weird but I think I understand.
I completely understand how strange it can feel to stop spending time with someone who you have been used to spending time with, but you have done the right thing giving her the space she has asked for. I’m pleased this article has been able to give you some comfort and clarity.